Reconnecting, Recalibrating, and Finding Beauty

Fall is officially upon us, and I'm honestly still playing catch-up to that fact.  I don't know if I just didn't get enough of a typical summer, or if I'm just in denial that another winter is coming quickly, but it's October and I'm still getting irrationally angry when the temperature drops below 60.  The other morning it was in the 30s, and we're clearly on the cusp of frost, so I'm feeling a lot of feelings about that.  Selfishly, I want my pumpkins to keep growing and my Walktober walks to be comfortable.  And yes, for the first time ever I have pumpkins!  I have a light colored warty one, a tiny yellow gourd, and a smooth white one, plus a couple others that are still too small to tell.  I'm so excited, but that's why I'm extra nervous about frost!  But I think I'm going to do pumpkin seed roulette every year now, because it's been fun to watch them grow.

I'm also reeling from the fact that it's pretty much fully dark at 7pm these days, as that makes my walks even more challenging.  Sorry to Carter who currently needs to wait for dinner until I get my steps in.  And by the time my work walking challenge is over, the time will change and we'll be at 5pm sunsets.  Ewwww.

We're so deep into fall already that my beloved Oktoberfest came and went.  It's one of my favorite times of year when I get to watch the festivities from afar via webcam and dream of going there someday.  The lights, the rides, the pretzels, the drunken singing...it looks so fun.  Of course, on the first day of Oktoberfest, Carter had a baseball game and I had to wear the shirt the boys bought me when they went to a game in Reading, PA:

Now Oktoberfest is over and I'm watching in amazement as they rapidly deconstruct the whole thing.  It's fascinating, but also such a bummer.  Of course, Christmas markets are just around the corner!

When I took that picture of my shirt, I had no idea that would be Carter's last baseball game for a while.  He was having some pain in his ankle and by the following week's practice, he wasn't sure he could run on it.  After getting an unsatisfactory response from his pediatrician (wear an ankle brace, he said), Craig pulled strings and got him into the same Knighthawks team doctor that Jacob has worked with a bunch, and sure enough, an MRI showed bone marrow edema--essentially a stress reaction like Jacob has had--and a bunch of damage from a past ankle injury.  However, none of us remember Carter ever spraining his ankle, at least not to the degree that it appears it would have been, given the degree of damage.  So, I've been running scenarios ever since.  Can his ulcerative colitis meds cause or accelerate damage?  Was the foot issue he's been dealing with since the winter actually some sort of referred pain?  Did his body grow too fast over the last year?  Does he just have a high pain tolerance?  Regardless, he's out of baseball for the next month, which effectively ends his fall season.  He was doing well despite playing against bigger, older kids, so it's a bummer to not see that through.  He's taking it well--maybe better than us.

Jacob is...Jacob.  He had a man-cold last week and has been working through post-concussion stuff for a few weeks, but is slowly getting back to normal.  He likely won't play with contact until November, but he's getting up shots and working out pretty frequently.  School is sort of a mixed bag.  He struggled with being able to be in school while he was recovering, and then he got the cold, so he once again dug himself a bit of a hole with school work.  He's struggling to fit in but is starting to realize he needs to make an effort to make friends.  He feels weird about living in an apartment and frustrated with not having a car, which makes him feel like an outsider there.  He did finally go to a school event the other night, a senior bonfire, and apparently it went pretty well.  He got introduced to some other athletes and had a chance to get to know some of the guys better.  I think he's starting to realize that he hasn't had a typical high school experience and maybe feels like he needs to play catch-up (including in the girl department), but he just hasn't had many normal friendships over the years--at least ones that weren't tied to sports or felt limited by vastly different backgrounds.  I think he'll get there.  Part of his frustration is that his schedule is tough for us to work around because he gets out of school in the middle of the day.  He doesn't like when we can't get him home, or to a workout, or pick him up from the recovery place at the times he wants.  I get it, but also...there is nothing about this that is ideal for any of us, so asking for some patience with our work schedules doesn't seem out of the realm of fairness.  He wanted this and may have misunderstood what it might entail (or, perhaps, there are things that none of us quite expected), so while I get that it's frustrating, we literally reorganized our entire lives to make this happen, and it's discouraging that he's giving us grief about it now.  We're doing our best, and apparently it's not good enough.  All of this is definitely still a work-in-progress.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get back in my own groove.  There's definitely less to keep me occupied with only two people in the house, and that part has been nice.  I've been able to tame a bunch of the stressful messes, and certain things just feel simpler.  Evenings are quiet.  And yet...I'm still not as productive as I'd like to be, or as I maybe expected to be once the constant overstimulation wore off.  I was talking with my therapist the other day about burnout, and she brought up that I might not know what to do with that peace, so I feel a bit untethered.  She might be right, but as much as she was touting self-care, I feel like I'm stuck between extremes--half the time I'm still overwhelmed with the endless list of things I have to do, or I do so well with the self-care that I let things go too long and end up with a mess.  I can just tell that my mental energy is still depleted, as any task that involves more than a minimal amount of brain space usually gets pushed off.  I still can't plan for dinner, still have email and physical mail that I ignore for days, and getting through some work projects feels impossible.  My focus and willingness to think deeply just aren't there.  Even blogging here has been a struggle because some of it involves thinking about these tough things, or even just deciding what I want to say with whatever subject I'm writing about, and some days even that feels like too much.  That is definitely a change from the past, and it follows the pattern of perimenopause-induced estrogen decrease.  That is both reassuring and incredibly annoying, as I have so much to do but have so little willpower or motivation.  I really feel like some sort of meds need to be in my future, even just to prove a point and--much like my kids back in the day--give me my confidence back.  But that is a work in progress right now, as my ADHD specialist is on medical leave and I need to find a new one.

In other news, one of those self-care moments I took advantage of was taking a Friday afternoon off and going to a Fringe Festival show featuring a former colleague of mine.  She is a transgender woman and has taught me so much about transgender folks and their struggles.  When she transitioned a number of years ago, it caught me completely off-guard and I felt terrible that I never knew how intense an internal struggle she'd been dealing with behind a sweet, friendly facade.  It made me realize that for many people, it was likely a last resort to maintain their sanity, not something to fear or demonize.  In the years since, she has blossomed into a strong, beautiful woman and it's clear this change has been good for her.  She was once a college football player, and her show was a humorous recollection about telling one of her gruff former teammates about her decision to transition.  It all culminated in the last part where her drunken teammate just kept repeating, "I don't get it," and she worried about what might happen next.  But then, after the last, "I don't get it" came, after it was "but I support you."  And with that, she concluded, "And that's how you support the transgender community!"  Yup, that about covers it.  It was great to see her after and get a few minutes to chat.  Her strength amazes me.  

Fortunately, the show was at the MAG, so I was able to do my usual 20-minute walkthrough to see my favorites and check for any new pieces.  As always, a few struck me anew... 

Pretty sure I've noticed this one before but I absolutely LOVE the realism of the glowing, neon orange clouds in the sunset.  It's one of my favorite sunset features, and they captured it perfectly.

It was so nice to have a little afternoon for myself, especially post-COVID (I tested out that morning) and on a lovely day at that.  

With the double COVID in our house and then Jacob's cold right after, we still haven't settled into our new normal during the week as much as I'd like.  We did do dinner together a few times in the last week, which was nice, but it's been tough to stay connected.  We did have a couple nice connections that following weekend, though.  Craig, Carter and I went out to dinner on Saturday night.  We opted for Applebee's--Carter's choice, as apparently he enjoyed our last trip--and the sky did this as we were driving there:

It was stunning.  We had a good dinner, although service was pretty slow.  I had my old Applebee's go-to, the chicken fajita wrap, for the first time in many years.  It was a staple of my late teens and early 20s, and brought back memories of Applebee's lunches with my grandma, aunts, and cousins.

I was extra excited about Sunday, though.  Craig and I had a date day planned!  One of my very favorite bands, Switchfoot, was performing at a winery in the Finger Lakes, and I so wanted to go.  I had tried to recruit Mary, my usual concert buddy, but she knew she'd be in the process of packing and moving into her new townhouse, so she declined.  I offered it up to Craig and he agreed to go.  I don't know that he quite knew what he was getting into, but we've had so little time together and especially away from the kids since the move that I probably could have suggested watching paint dry by ourselves and he'd have said yes.  We did have to drive an hour and a half each way, which was a little less than ideal once the rain started.  It hadn't rained in probably a week, and of course that day a nor'easter popped up the coast that just made it up our way.  We only got a glancing blow compared to most of the east coast, so I can't complain, but it was enough to make a half-outside venue less than ideal.  Fortunately, the performance space itself was mostly immune to the rain.  It was a semi-permanent tent, with super sturdy steel beam supports and protective side panels.  It was maybe a little cool in there since it was a chilly day, but the rain stayed out.  It was a smaller venue than Switchfoot tends to play, but it was such a cool, intimate little show.  The opening act was a band called Anberlin, who I know I've heard of but never really listened to.  I ended up really liking them!  They were a little harder than my usual, but they had a great sound and I really need to start listening to their albums one by one to see which ones I want to buy.  And then there was Switchfoot, the band I saw live and loved in the late 90s, but didn't buy a CD of for years because I wasn't sure which one to buy on my limited college student budget.  Years later my friend bought me one of their CDs as a gift, and I was hooked.  Ironically, I found their first three CDs in a multipack at Target completely randomly after that, for the price of a single CD, and slowly got myself caught up.  And to this day they are one of my absolute go-to bands that usually gets at least two albums each time I load my USB drive for my car music.  They just put out a new CD late this summer, and after being a bit "meh" about the one before that (pretty much first time ever, although their first album or two feel quite different now, so they maybe aren't in regular rotation), this one completely hit the mark for me.  It's rare that I go to a show for a new album and get excited about the new stuff they play, but for this one, I did.  And even better, they played some really old stuff, which also made me super happy and marvel at how a band can essentially grow up with you through all the ages and stages of life.  Nearly everything they played was really relevant stuff to so much of what's happening right now--trying to find the good in life despite so many troubles and so much anxiety.  Their albums touch on that a lot, but I'm not sure I ever realized just how consistent a narrative they've been sharing all these years until I heard so many of those songs all together.  It was truly incredible.

And of course, the time with Craig was nice, with the bonus that I think he actually enjoyed it and became a bit of a fan himself.

One song in particular, Beautiful Life, really seemed to resonate with him.  It's my favorite off this album, for sure.

 
It ended up being really cool to share that part of me with him after all these years.

The pavilion attached to the tent was so pretty.  Not pictured, a gorgeous stone fireplace.  It would be a great spot for a wedding reception.

Sadly, the rain ruined the view, but when it's nice, it must be stunning up there.  The lake (Keuka) is down there somewhere.  There were also some gorgeous lake houses along the way.  Switchfoot kept joking about feeling like they were performing in a cloud, and they weren't wrong.  It looked much worse than this for most of the show.

It was a nice date day to try to reconnect and override our current separation.  Of course, we did have Jacob calling incessantly, and at one point on the drive back, we each had one kid on the phone at the same time, talking each of them through their dinner preparation!  So much for alone time, but we got close!

And with that, it was back to reality and an extra long week.  On Tuesday was Carter's MRI that brought the bad news about his baseball season.  Craig sent me this picture, and is it just me or does it look like he's about ready to go perform surgery?  He looks so grown up--and like a natural in scrubs, no?

On Wednesday morning I caught this cool view out our back door.  It's rare that I've seen much color back there, as it faces north, and certainly not this very interesting pink pillar of light.  It felt notable to get a new view after 16 years here.

On Wednesday evening, I had a very long overdue happy hour with my old boss, Erin.  We have always stayed connected on Facebook since she left in 2021, and she is actually Facebook friends with my dad, too, because she went to work for his alma mater, Alfred University, and they connected at a couple events.  She still lives in town because her husband is still the URochester football coach, and as much as we'd said, "We need to get together", it took this long to finally make it happen.  We caught up on all the things for a couple hours--Jacob's saga, her empty nest life with one kid in grad school and the other in college, and all of the work gossip.  It was so great to reconnect and provided some much needed friend time (and a great moscato!).

Later in the week I caught this on my way in from my walk, and as pretty as it was, it wasn't even a tiny bit as gorgeous as it apparently got a few minutes later while I was preoccupied with other things.  It got intensely red and orange.  Darn.

My extra long work week was because it was Meliora Weekend, meaning I had a couple very extroverted days on campus.  Overall they went well, even if I was falling asleep by 9pm!  On Saturday I had a golf cart shift, which is always risky but usually ends up being my favorite part.  This was no exception, as I met some lovely people, heard some cool stories, drove around the amazing Fleetwood Mac cover band, Seven Wonders, and ran into a couple former colleagues.  I also caught a few outstanding moments of beauty.  At one point I was driving by the Interfaith Chapel and I could tell the light was coming through the stained glass perfectly.  I took a quick break and parked my cart to run in, and I caught this:

The camera doesn't even do it justice.  Stunning.

Back outside, the sun shone perfectly on the dome of Rush Rhees...twice!  This was the first one.

In the meantime, I ventured into the brand new Catholic life building on campus.  The chapel there is so peaceful.

You know me and my love for anything glass or glass-adjacent, and this mosaic of the Newman Community's namesake was no exception.  The gold accents were stunning, but it was so well done.

Outside, the sun was shining through the stained glass, which I captured through the big front window.  I believe the big windows will eventually be stained glass as well.  There were two renderings in the building, and I assume the more specific one--a dandelion theme for the school's official flower--is the final one, while the other was the original generic version.  It will be beautiful either way, though.

This was the second time Rush Rhees was perfectly highlighted.  It was so bright compared to the dusky night at that point.

I didn't mind staying a little late and helping out while it was busy, but in the end, it took me forever to turn in my golf cart as I kept getting flagged down by people whenever I was ready to be done.  As I was finally walking to my car nearly two hours late, I spotted this window I've never noticed before, high up in the library.  It has the old shield on it, the version we just replaced, much to many people's chagrin.  It's awfully pretty up there, though.
 

We wrapped up the weekend on Sunday with a quick trip to the Hilton Apple Fest, and then Carter and I stopped for porch pumpkins on the way home before heading to dinner at the apartment.  It was a full weekend, but a good one.  But it's always so hard to go back to work after only one day of rest, so this week felt a bit challenging between making up for lost time at the house, making all of our various appointments, dealing with some of Jacob's frustrations with our setup, and finding the energy to do anything in the evening after all of that.  I am immensely jealous of the kids' four-day weekend coming up, that's for sure.  Hopefully sleep and a little family time will be in my future!