I've mentioned here a few times recently that I've felt like anxiety has been creeping up on me more and more lately. I know anxiety hits everyone differently, and I'm sure mine is on the low end, but it's been challenging nonetheless. I probably need to do something about it soon, either getting with a therapist or just talking to my doctor at my appointment in September. Maybe I need a low dose of something, or maybe just talking about it would be enough. It isn't something that takes over my life, but it's getting closer to impacting my functionality. You'd probably never know, honestly, as I don't have panic attacks or anything visibly amiss, but maybe you'd notice that I'm a little sadder or more distracted than usual when it hits. But inside it's a series of constant negative thoughts, and a weight that just sits on my chest.
It's generally a stream of worst-case scenarios. Everything goes to that worst place, whereas it used to be a completely calm and logical risk assessment. For example, I was watching a commercial the other night for Darien Lake, a regional amusement park, and thought about taking Jacob there at some point, only to think about how terrible I'd feel if somehow Jacob fell out of a roller coaster or otherwise got hurt. Like...what?! I can look at that and know it sounds crazy, but it's a legit thought in my head. It's almost like a superstitious thing, that if I don't think about that scenario it will happen and I'd beat myself up for not considering it. But instead of just considering it and moving on, I dwell on it.
Even the wonderful offering of my parents to take Carter this weekend so he doesn't have to suffer through Jacob's tournament has been a tough thing to manage. I worry about him being away from me. What if his energy is more than my parents can handle? With all the driving they'll be doing to pick him up and drop him back off, what if there's an accident and something happens to any of them? Because it feels like I'm taking the easy way out by letting them watch him, I'd never forgive myself if something happened. It's not that I don't trust them, because I know they'll do everything to keep him safe. It's just that I know lots of people have great intentions and make great efforts at safety and it still doesn't go as planned.
That's the thing--I think I have some PTSD from something, probably most notably the sudden deaths of my cousin in her late 20s and my other cousin's 13-year-old son. Why did that have to happen to them? No one thinks stuff will happen to them, but things do happen. People get diagnosed with cancer. Accidents happen. Why should I assume it wouldn't it happen to us? I know the usual answer is to trust God, but I'll admit my faith has taken some hits in the midst of this. I've seen losses that seem impossible to come back from, and even with all the faith in the world there are certain things that feel like nothing could fill that hole. I don't know what to do about that feeling. God never promises to shield us from pain, but He does promise to be with us through it. But what if it doesn't feel that way? I guess I've also had a hard time as it seems like prayers have gone unanswered in regard to our situation with Jacob and my missing senses of smell and taste. I know that among those two big ones there are lots of little ones that have been answered, but lately I still feel lost. I need to overhaul my spiritual life, I know, but I barely know where to start.
Based on the stories above, I'm sure you can assume where my thoughts were going when we were in the thick of Carter's foot issues. The day or two after each overnight episode were wracked with worry and dread. We still need to get blood work done, by the way, but my fears eased up a lot when the x-ray was clear. But then I started worrying about my own health. My ongoing throat issues got progressively worse. A few years ago I figured out I probably had reflux because of a couple symptoms I was having, and a year or so later I saw an ENT because it felt like something was stuck in my throat. He diagnosed some sort of spasm in my throat, possibly stress-related. Last fall, a week before I got sick with a long-lasting virus, my throat started hurting when I burped--but only on one side. I figured later it had to do with the cold, but then it stuck around--as did the cold. Eventually I think it got better, as I don't remember the throat thing bothering me for a while, but then a month or two ago it came back. I wondered if it was allergies, or my reflux acting up, or God forbid something much worse. I tried getting an appointment at the ENT a month or so ago, but they never called me back. But then it got better for a couple weeks (when I was taking omeprazole again, just in case), but then it came back and I got twice as worried that it was cancer or something bad, being only on one side and feeling like something was pushing on my neck at times. Sometimes the fear was almost paralyzing, and it definitely took over my thoughts a lot of the time.
Luckily I got into the ENT rather quickly, and after a scope, it was deemed to be inflammation from reflux. It was a huge relief and obviously a huge answer to prayer. Of course, I don't do a lot of reflux-worsening behaviors, so I think it really rests solely on my stress level right now, which is still very high from things being insane at work all day and exhausting at home with the boys at night. Add in that tournament season is starting and the school year is ending, and everything is nuts. If it gives you any idea of how bad things were, the problem improved by a ton just by the mental relief that resulted from the confirmation that it was nothing serious. How crazy is that? Of course, I still have a couple other concerns on the back burner (dermatologist appointment coming in August, for one), but for now I'm okay again.
I don't want to worry anyone--because truly, I'm okay and I know there's help available if I need it, and I'm at the point where I understand that it may be necessary when it flares up again. But I felt it was important to share--not just because it's my policy to be honest here, but also because it's part of our story, at least my part of our story. This is parenthood, I guess, where every little thing--whether it impacts you or your kids directly or indirectly--seems larger than life sometimes. In 24 days the worst of the work stuff will be over for a bit, and then maybe I can work on the rest a little more calmly. In the meantime, please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers if you can. Every little bit helps.
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