TEN!

Dear Jacob,

Ten years.  An entire decade.  How is it even possible?  I mean, clearly you've been around for a while now, but to think you've gone from a tiny newborn to this big kid just blows my mind.  In some ways it feels so fast, like we were just sitting at the hospital, then I blinked and we're here, and in other ways I know we've fought our way through for so long that I barely remember life without you.  In a couple months I'll turn 40, and it's pretty crazy to think how I pretty much dedicated my 30s to your existence.  Your brother's too, for part of it, but you were the one who set all of those wheels in motion and changed everything.  I still felt pretty young when I had you, and now most of the time I feel like wisdom and experience has finally come with age, just because we've been through so much with you.  While some days it's on the tiring side, ultimately the wisdom is a good thing!

It's just a big milestone to realize that a full decade has come and gone since you entered our lives, and now we're more than halfway to you reaching unofficial adulthood!  We have a long way to go before that, of course, and you definitely still have a lot to learn.  So do we, I guess, so I suppose we'll be learning together.  I pray that you'll listen as we try to teach you how to be a functional, contributing member of society.  I know you think we know nothing, but I promise you that experience is one heck of a teacher and we have a lot of that to share.  I'd like to spare you some of the obstacles we've had to overcome, but I have a feeling you'll just have to learn that stuff yourself.  Either way, I have no doubt we have a challenging road ahead, judging by where we've already been.  I just hope we can find a smoother route at some point.

I've tried very hard in the past year to reconnect with you.  At some point I realized that with all of the difficulties we've gone through, we had sort of lost each other.  I'd lost sight of the cool kid that's hiding behind all of the defiance--one who ultimately just wants to be loved--and you lost sight of the fact that your mom loves you fiercely and would do anything to help you.  That's the part that killed me, that you genuinely didn't think I liked you, let alone loved you, and you didn't trust me.  There are still moments, no doubt, but I hope that this year you've started to see how much I care, and that even when you're angry at me and don't want to believe it, deep down you know.  You're going to need your parents' love and support as you go through these tween and teen years, and now is not the time to push us away.  Trust me on that one.

Suddenly you seem so much older to me.  You're so tall, so handsome, and sometimes so mature that the little boy seems to be a thing of the past.  But then you do something like start a fart noise contest with your brother or have a tantrum like a toddler, and I know you're not quite there yet.  I guess that's what these tween years are all about--growing into the big kid body while learning to tame the little kid mind.  I know there is an amazing kid in there, and if you would just learn that you don't need the potty humor or annoying behavior to get the attention you crave, we'd all be better off.  I know you're smarter than that shows, and your humor can be, too!

I told you the other morning that you're going to be shocked by all that happens to you in the next couple years.  And a couple years beyond that you're going to be almost unrecognizable compared to the kid you once were.  I've seen it happen with so many kids who suddenly pop up on their parents' Facebook page--one day they were a kid like you, and seemingly overnight puberty hits and they look completely different.  Boys seem especially prone to this, and I'm bracing myself for it.  Not just because it will be hard to not see my little boy as clearly anymore, but because I know teenage hormones and natural strength will add yet another challenge to our already complicated relationship.

Even so, I definitely feel like things have evolved this year.  You're much more accepting of your brother--you almost like him sometimes, even--but it's like you still don't know how to manage those feelings, both the loving ones and the jealous ones.  You're realizing he might be a fun playmate/minion, but then he does something to hurt you (physically or emotionally) and suddenly all of the rage from five years of jealousy and frustration come right back.  You don't always realize that his humor is different from yours, and when your jokes fall flat and he gets mad, we're right back where we started with two kids who just don't mesh.  I have more hope than ever that someday you'll figure it out, but we still need to maintain a lot of patience and should probably invest in referee attire for now.

I know you hate going to our therapy sessions because you feel like it's a validation that something is wrong with you.  I hate for you to think of it like that, but I also think it's hard to deny you've gotten a raw deal in some ways.  I realize more and more, though, that everyone has something--and if it wasn't this, it would be something else.  Ours just happens to involve talking to someone about our problems every couple weeks, and it could totally be worse.  I hope someday you realize that the mere fact we're there is evidence of how much we love you and want to work through this stuff to be a happy, loving, functional family.  I know you don't see that right now, but I never want to look back and regret that we didn't try something to help you understand yourself a little better.  It's hard enough with an "average" brain, but yours is complicated (in exceptionally good ways and some challenging ways) so there's nothing wrong with getting a little guidance with it.  I honestly wish I had that opportunity as a kid, because I probably would have been far more comfortable in my own skin if I did.

This year's also been notable in that your tastes for sports have changed a bit.  You now claim to like basketball more than lacrosse.  We've been through quite a process to get you a hoop, but hopefully that will be resolved soon and you'll work off all your extra energy outside.  Later this year you'll probably play on a real basketball team, possibly at the expense of at least one of your lacrosse seasons.  Deep down I know it's fine--and per the experts, good for you to diversify--but sometimes I wonder if it's just your tastes changing, or if the rough few months we've had with lacrosse have turned you off.  Obviously we've been through a rough patch recently, between the Storm debacle and your current lack of playing time, but hopefully we'll get that resolved because I love watching you play when you have confidence.  I know we can find that again.

I know that we have our share of tough moments, but no matter what, I love you so much.  Sometimes I think our bad moments are worse because they make me worry about you to the point that I lose my mind a little bit.  Maybe someday I'll get that under control, but until then, I'm sorry.  Just know it's all out of love.  In the good moments I'm so proud of you that my heart could burst.  I can't believe you finish fourth grade tomorrow and next year is your last year of elementary school.  You've done so well in school (despite the homework struggle) and I know you've learned even more than you realize.  You're capable of so much, and I'm lucky enough to have a front row seat to watch it happen.

I'm not sure how we got here, but I'm so thankful for these ten years.  You have changed my life and taught me so much.  From the highest highs to the lowest lows, parenthood is quite a ride.  And while I wish it wasn't quite so crazy sometimes, I'm glad you're part of it.  Happy 10th Birthday, Jacob.

Love,
Mom