Perfect...Almost.

Last night was our first time back at a Knighthawks game in almost two years.  I think the last time we went was February 29, 2020.  That night we were in a suite with Craig's parents for military night and saw a crazy win after the other team made a frantic last-few-minutes comeback.  We weren't able to go to the first couple home games this year, so last night was our first chance--and again, we were in a suite with Craig's parents for military night, and the Knighthawks survived another crazy ending to win.  

It was strange being back in the arena after that long, because I'm pretty sure I've never been away for that long over the last 22 years, and the arena I came back to was a little different than the one I left.  Over the past couple years, they remodeled the rest rooms, added a giant sit-down eating area adjacent to a concession stand, built the Knighthawks their own locker room, and completely renovated the offices.  It was a bit surreal seeing those changes, not to mention a bunch of little things like plexiglass dividers and hands-free ticket scanners.  But it was good to be back.

The first person we saw was an usher/elevator operator that's been there forever, and when he realized who I was (despite the mask) and looked at my kids (both of whom he remembers me bringing through there as babies), he was shocked!  The same thing happened when we got up to the suite and I was standing in the suite opening with Jacob near me and the building workers in the next door production booth saw me and waved.  The one pointed to Jacob and motioned like, "What happened?!"  Yeah, tell me about it.  I question daily how my first baby is now taller than me.  After settling in with Craig's parents, getting some food, and watching part of the game, I ventured out into the arena to catch up with some people.

I stopped at the booster club table and said hi to the couple who runs it (whose engagement I helped with when I worked there).  Then I saw another member on my way back upstairs.  I stopped in the booth and said hi to the building workers, the music guy, and the PA announcer, whose voice I was shocked to hear in the arena since he hasn't done Knighthawks games in years.  I hadn't seen him in person since long before the pandemic, so it was wonderful to catch up.  Then I realized Craig's boss' wife and kids were in the suite next to us, so I said hi to her and then eventually him, too.  After the game I saw a few of the coaching and management staff that I know from way back.  I truly loved seeing everyone.  It was one of those nights where you realize you almost forgot how nice it is to connect with people.  And I guess I was feeling comfortable, or at the very least nervous that people wouldn't recognize me because my hair is at least six inches longer than it was two years ago, because I uncharacteristically pulled down my mask to talk to people.  Based on what I knew (essentially that everyone was there despite the vaccine mandate only being dropped a couple days ago, meaning they likely met that criteria anyway), I figured everyone was vaccinated and cases locally are down significantly--probably only a few thousand active cases in the county currently--so what were the odds?

Well, as it turns out, much better than anticipated.  This morning after church I got a message from the wife of the booster club couple.  Her husband tested positive this morning.  He seemed fine last night, and I'm guessing he wouldn't have been there if he had any inkling, but apparently he woke up this morning feeling like garbage.  So, clearly I now feel like a complete idiot for not replacing my mask for those conversations once I was identified.  I mean, I only talked to him for about five minutes and we were in a nice, wide open area.  The production booth was a little tighter, but I only talked to four people and others in there were masked, so the odds seemed small and I was just so happy to see people that I guess I got a little ahead of myself.  It kills me because we've tried to be so careful.  Some people can take risk after risk and be fine, and yet I take one and BOOM--exposed.    

I've spent the rest of the day today masked and now I'm on symptom watch.  I've had a dull headache for most of the day, which is concerningly reminiscent of my post-vaccine symptoms, but it could be psychosomatic and I also don't drink water as well on weekends unless I work out, and after a lot of salty snacks last night, it wouldn't surprise me if it was a dehydration headache because I get those periodically on Sundays since Saturday is usually my workout day.  Or, if I'm lucky, maybe my body is successfully fighting off a very small viral load like it learned to do via the vaccine and the headache is the result.  I can hope, right?  I'll do a rapid test tomorrow and hopefully schedule a PCR the day after if needed.

On one hand, the timing for this is terrible.  Valentine's Day (with a fancy dinner I'm making) is tomorrow, and Carter's birthday and his long-awaited choral concert are Tuesday.  His party is supposed to be next weekend, which I could probably still do based on current isolation rules but likely wouldn't risk.  I have half a dozen Zoom meetings this week, and don't want to reschedule them with break next week, so being under the weather wouldn't be ideal.  On the other hand, Craig has an off-weekend coming up, Jacob is done with basketball, I'm still fully remote for work, and school break is next week, so a lot of that could definitely be worse.  Regardless, I'll keep masking and sleep in the basement for now.

On my way to get Super Bowl food from our favorite gluten-free place tonight (about an hour round-trip--we figured it was safer for me to go, masked, than for us to go together or for a very tired Craig to make the drive), I prayed about it and basically asked God to work it out.  Only He knows if this variant is easier than what's to come, or if holding out longer means it will continue to evolve to be less impactful or more treatment options will be available.  Only He knows if this week's timing is better than another week's timing.  So I asked for the smoothest, least disruptive and least dangerous path, and I guess we'll see.  

Even though the odds are that it would be mild for all of us with our vaccination status and general decent health, I still worry, and that's why we've continued to be so careful.  I don't want Long COVID for any of us, and you never really know when something will go wacky.  My grandma once had a mild stroke and my mom once had unexplained narrowing of her carotid arteries, so who knows if I might be at risk of random clotting from a virus that likes to do that.  It is such a wild card and I can guarantee that half the people who ended up hospitalized (particularly the unvaccinated ones) never thought they'd be at risk.  I take nothing for granted.  

And again, this is all while the eventual end of in-school masking mandates is coming sooner than we'd like.  The lack of a mandate inside buildings and businesses (it ended this week) doesn't bother me that much--although now I wish the arena would have still had theirs so there was no question in my mind what to do, since it admittedly sucked to be one of the few wearing one.  But most of the time you're just walking past people for a minute or five and are unlikely to catch something unless you walk through their sneeze or stop to chat.  That is vastly different than 20 students sitting in the same room for six hours with a teacher who is likely more at risk, or sitting at lunch for a half hour with elderly lunch ladies nearby.  When kids down south didn't wear masks, schools closed.  Transmission is down significantly here, but you can bet there will still be quarantined classes and closed schools again.  I'm sure there will be a spike from Super Bowl parties and probably again from February break activities, so I think this particular lull will be short-lived.  This whole experience proves yet again just how easy it is for there to be a case you're not expecting, and people will get burned by that.  And who knows who those kids will take cases home to--immune-compromised parents, elderly grandparents, and siblings who could asymptomatically pass it along to others in their classes.  It still seems premature to me, but the unmasking demands are getting louder, and people like us have likely given up because we know the end is near and these people don't listen to reason anyway.  Our kids will still be masked but it won't make much of a difference if kids are freely spewing aerosols nearby.

So, what was supposed to be a fun start to the week has potentially taken a rough turn.  Last night was so great, and apparently, in true COVID fashion, it actually was too good to be true.  Lesson learned--again--but will it be learned the hard way this time?

Photos and videos and SNOW, Oh My!

I knew there were a few photos and videos that got sort of squeezed out lately based on what I was writing about at the time, so I figured it was time for a catch-up post.  And then I realized I hadn't pulled photos off my phone since Christmas, so I knew it was definitely needed!  January's usually a slow photo month, and this one was no exception, so I guess the motivation to pull off a handful of pics wasn't there until I took a bunch this weekend.  So, let's enjoy what we can until things pick up a bit more, shall we?

I took this picture near our town hall right after Christmas.  It was snowing like crazy and I had to drop books off at the library.  I looked across the huge parking lot and could see this tree lit up so pretty in the snow.  I just couldn't resist.  I chalked it up to savoring the last bit of Christmas while I could.

One of Carter's gifts was a marble run, and figuring out how to set up the "expert" run in the instruction book was a challenge!  Eventually we figured it out, and had to document it on video!

As a whole, January was a blur of basketball and snow.  The MLK Day storm was annoying but well-timed to avoid having to deal with work and school in the middle of the mess.  The kids still wanted a snow day, of course!  Craig took this picture of Carter, who loves being in the snow!

One of the first decent days after that storm I went out to widen the driveway and get rid of the icebergs formed by our tire tracks and the sidewalk plow.  While I shoveled, Carter was creating his own sledding hill.

 The snow and cold over the last month have not been particularly kind to us.  One day our kitchen window cracked (and it continues to lengthen--working on a replacement), and a week later we noticed this giant crack on our backboard.  We're not sure what caused it--it's an acrylic backboard, not glass--but we're pretty annoyed.  It's not that old and should be able to stand up to the weather.  I am not savoring the prospect of more hoop assembly, whether it's a new backboard or an entirely new hoop.  This one's initial assembly and then the subsequent wind damage repair were traumatizing enough.

Jacob has been dealing with the ridiculousness of modified basketball all month.  He might finally be quitting because he's essentially alone on the team now that a couple of his buddies got pulled up to JV.  He did, too, but can't play because of the reclassifying issue, and the team is now so bad that he scored 22 of the team's 27 points in a 72-27 loss last week against a team they barely lost to a couple weeks ago.  It was rough, and I promise he tried to get his teammates involved, but there just wasn't much finishing happening.  Here was a three-pointer he scored in another game before everything went down the tubes:

 

As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend had one bright spot.  Despite it being in the teens on Saturday, Carter and I decided to go over to his school around the corner.  He had been talking about wanting me to see the "wall", which was a giant pile of plowed snow, and I figured while we were there we might be able to find somewhere to sled.  Sure enough, we wandered over to a hill near the playground, and figured it might suffice.  Well, unfortunately, the fresh foot of snow from Thursday and Friday was rather soft, so the sleds were just sinking right in.  We just kept trying, though, working through our respective runs by going down over and over again, and trying to move the paths a little further and compressing the snow more with each run. I definitely got my exercise walking up and down.

We started making progress...

And eventually we got the hills in pretty good shape so it was time for some videos!  First up is my run, which was actually pretty fun!

Carter's was a little shorter but ended up with some curves!  He tried this run but the start was giving him trouble...

Then he wanted to try it backwards instead!

We had a blast but it was so cold!  Not only were our faces cold, but our gloves were getting pretty snow-covered, and since Carter's weren't waterproof (working on it--he lost one of his old ones), his gloves were literally freezing--the fingers were frozen shut!--so it was time to go after maybe an hour.  He was very proud of our runs, though, and gladly showed them off to his friends when they had outside time on Monday!

When we got back to the house, I wanted to do some cleanup on the driveway and ended up wandering around the yard.  We are really snowed in.  Snow is up past my knees, the shovel piles are as tall as me, and the icicles were getting big.  Luckily on Sunday, between roof raking, knocking them down, and really warm weather (a balmy 40--haha), we made some progress.  But the snow was crazy.

Looking from the top of the tallest pile across to the mailboxes, which are barely above the snow.  After a couple days above freezing I think the snow has gone down an inch or three now.

Also at the top of the pile, my eye level was even with the gutters!  So much snow!

The backyard is sort of laughable.  Check out the patio chairs in the back, and the Dali-esque snow coming off the table is thanks to snow that melted and slid prior to the latest round.

Saturday night there was a lovely sunset--layered sherbet colored skies.  I will say the bright skies lately have been nice (although quite blinding), but I'm still eager for spring! 

In other news, I think I've decided that my funk is in part driven by a lack of things to look forward to.  We have Carter's birthday next week but I am terribly unprepared right now so that is actually only causing me more stress.  But without a set schedule for travel basketball (aside from one game, apparently?) and not much in the way of family or other events between now and like, Easter, things are feeling pretty blah.  Craig's schedule doesn't allow for a lot of big plans in the meantime anyway, so I'm feeling a little trapped by snow and cold and weeks of nothingness...as if COVID challenges weren't limiting enough.  I'd love to go tubing or something, and hopefully have more excuses to see family, but I know this time of year can be a challenge once we get past Carter's birthday and there isn't much in view past that.  Easter itself is really late this year, too, so it's going to be quite a stretch.  Maybe I can use the time to be productive on the home front, but we shall see!

Battles

This week has felt like a string of endless battles - against time, work, house mess, the weather, and my own body.

Last Sunday I came down with a cold.  Craig had been sick for a week and tested for COVID countless times (mostly for work--including one PCR), and the odds of it being anything other than his cold were slim, so I never bothered testing.  It was a pretty standard cold--lots of sinus congestion involving almost constant nose-blowing for the first few days, and just enough of a tickle in my throat to have a dry-cough hacking episode a couple times a day.  I was maybe slightly more tired than usual but not enough that I couldn't function.  I was so busy with work that a sick day wasn't a possibility, especially since I work from home full time right now.  I turned the corner around midweek and now it's just some thick mucus hanging out somewhere between my sinuses and throat.  Sometimes I can get a solid blow gives relief for a few hours, but sometimes I feel like it's choking me a bit and I need to cough to loosen it up.  Not ideal but better than expected a week out, if I'm being honest.  Though maybe my perception is skewed after my two-month sinus infection a couple years ago.  I'll assume zinc, Nyquil-assisted sleep, and Airborne helped things along.

As I said, work has been crazy.  It's always busy, but since we lost a couple team members and my boss and I both got promoted as a result, things have been non-stop ridiculous.  Data, deadlines, endless projects...it's been a lot.  And now that I finally got promoted 6-1/2 years later, I don't want to mess it up.  But it's getting hard to keep up, though at least my boss is in the same boat and knows it's not just me.  I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to take off time when the boys are off in a couple weeks, but working through this week despite illness and the boys being off one day (more on that in a second) will hopefully help.

On top of getting a foot of snow a couple weeks ago, we got hammered again late in the week.  I finally cleared the driveway of every bit of snow from the last round and on Wednesday night it started raining, which turned into snow.  It snowed lightly overnight and continued all day, getting much worse Thursday evening.  By that night we had about six inches, then it snowed all night adding another three.  The boys had a snow day Friday as a result (I think the districts had concerns about everyone getting dug out in time for buses to pass safely), and then it snowed all day Friday but it only added another couple inches.  Still, another foot was about the last thing we needed.  Shoveling was hard, especially with a cold.  I may be able to be convinced to get a snow blower after this, especially if these nor'easters become more regular.  

As if all of that wasn't fun enough, Friday night I was preparing a smoothie in our new Ninja as part of breakfast for dinner, and while messing with a banana in the pitcher, I sliced my left ring finger rather deeply with the blade.  It took a while to stop the bleeding, probably a half hour in between trying to finish making dinner when I couldn't put good pressure on it.  Craig was on his way to Buffalo for a Knighthawks game the next night, and waited around to see if I needed an escort to urgent care for stitches.  Luckily it slowed down and he was able to leave, but I was pretty nervous initially.  Thankfully the blade is super sharp so it was a super clean cut and it seems to be healing well, but it did not help me feel very functional on Saturday when I had planned to clean.  

Turns out a sliced finger is not conducive to cleaning up a messy house that took an extra hit while I was sick all week.  I put off a lot and having kids home for an extra day didn't help matters.  I'm really struggling with housework two years into the pandemic--I feel like the house is just getting beaten up and everywhere I look there's pockets of filth--crumbs in every corner of the kitchen no matter how much I wipe up, dust in every corner of the house no matter how much I vacuum, sludge and debris in every corner of the bathroom that seems to have no clear cause.  I feel like we probably need our vents cleaned or something, but it's so frustrating that it all falls on me and I don't feel like spending all my free time on weekends doing it.  I just can't catch up.  And by the time I do it and then get up the energy to do it again, whatever I cleaned is gross again.  God forbid we ever have to sell this house because I'm going to need some major outside assistance from a professional.  We're hoping to celebrate Carter's birthday in a couple weeks with the grandparents and I have no idea how this house is going to get presentable.

Speaking of Carter's birthday, it's in two weeks and I have one gift bought.  I know some of what he wants but we're back to him not wanting to do much except sit in front of screens so I'm torn about all of it.  Also, he's been sleeping in our room (on a separate mattress) because of the bedwetting alarm, so Craig and I have even less of a chance to talk privately about anything, and suddenly we're running out of time.  As a side note, the bedwetting alarm has been oddly successful, but I think it's more because it's vaguely uncomfortable and combined with sleeping on a different bed, he's been prevented from sleeping deeply enough to have an issue.  It went off the first night and we managed to handle it well, but it hasn't needed to go off since.  So we're sending him back to his room tonight and we'll see how it goes.  

On top of everything else, I'm reaching a new level of frustration with the pandemic.  It's hard to describe but it feels like a losing battle on multiple fronts.  Cases are down considerably so a lot of people are fighting hard to have restrictions discontinued.  It doesn't help that a ton of people have had it courtesy of the omicron variant that caused more cases in three months than we had in something like the first year, so all those people feel invincible even though a new variant could easily infect them down the road.  It could mean the imminent end of masks in public, and possibly in schools.  So many people are fighting the vaccines, fighting masks, and hating the President, and I think we're getting to the point where they may win.  Many people are starting to agree we need to learn to live with this, but I'm not comfortable with that just yet--maybe infection is inevitable, but I still hesitate to risk having complications let alone Long COVID, which they still don't have a treatment for.  I don't need anything like fatigue or brain fog making life our lives any harder.  I don't need my kids, especially Jacob, exposed to heart inflammation.  I still don't think it's living in fear--I believe in taking precautions much like I would have if I knew the flu was heavily circulating, had masks and other protections been normalized prior to this.  The problem with all of this is it still works better when everyone cooperates--mutual masking, distancing, etc.--and most people are just done.  So no matter how much I try to do, it may not be enough when everyone else isn't on board.  It's a helpless position, made odder because my employer is getting even stricter--boosters mandated and cloth masks banned (unless double masked with a surgical mask).  I'm just exhausted by the arguing and the contrasting opinions on precautions. It's hard to watch much of the rest of the country live like things are normal, whether or not they should.  I'm mad at my church because they stopped mandating masks in the church (despite the state mandate still being in place), and it just adds to the disconnect I've been feeling for a while--at least since Christians started defending Trump and insisting their liberties are more important than the greater good--all of which is in direct contrast to literally everything we're taught as Christians.  I'm just so confused how it all happened and how I'm in such a minority.  

I'm reading Untamed by Glennon Doyle right now.  I've heard it was a great book, though it made me nervous to read a book by a former Christian writer who is now married to a woman (granted, that woman is Rochester hometown hero Abby Wambach) and whose faith clearly had to morph a bit to make that acceptable.  There's definitely some funky theology in there--things about God being a woman and listening to your inner self to the exclusion of God's word.  I personally would rather assume that God's word is pretty solid--we have to base our faith on something--though maybe some of the Bible builders were flawed humans (yes, scripture is inspired by God but there have been plenty of good humans inspired by God who screwed up) and that would explain some of the contradictions, and maybe some other stuff we're just interpreting too simply.  Regardless, I try to set aside what I can't explain, chalk it up to faith, and err on the side of loving people first.  That may be in contradiction to what a lot of churches teach (i.e., abortion and gayness being foundational sins more horrible than all others) and the book gets into why that's an issue, but I feel like my theology is somewhere in the middle.  Even still, it makes some good points about trying to live your best life, which I want to take to heart, but it probably hasn't helped my disconnect because it digs into a lot of the reasons I feel like it's extra hard being a Christian right now and I don't know how to fix it.  It's not so much my faith as much as my practice, but it's hard to have one in tip-top shape without the other.

It all just sort of culminated today in a lack of motivation and general exhaustion.  Tiredness from working through a cold all week, exhaustion from the screen time battle with Carter, frustration with the cleaning battle, annoyance that my workout momentum has been interrupted, and many other things--it all swamped me today and all I could muster was Valentine's decorating and spot cleaning.  I did have one bright spot of the weekend that I'll share in the next post, but otherwise it's been a struggle.  It probably doesn't help that my parents have been on a cruise all week and enough other vacationers or southern dwellers in my social media are living life in spring mode (and generally unmasked to boot), while I feel literally snowbound and like I'm the only one left who cares about keeping my family safe.  On top of not having a real vacation in many years at this point (not sure the Jersey Shore really counts due to all the drama we had), it's getting harder to not feel like I'm missing out on living my life to the fullest.  The "same old, same old" has been more monotonous over the past two years than it ever was before (and it felt like it enough then), and I think not only do I need a complete change of scenery for a while, but I'd also like a little undistracted time alone with my husband, which has been in extra short supply over these two years as well.  I have a feeling that getting into the pre-pandemic "last" memories again over these next six weeks will only deepen the longing for normal life.  If you could guarantee we could get COVID and get through it with no lasting effects, sure--it might be worth it to get back to a less fearful life.  But there are no guarantees with COVID.  It is, by nature, oddly unpredictable.  

So here we sit in this weird limbo, caught between a natural instinct to protect ourselves and our family and a world that's increasingly over it.  I don't know what our breaking point is--or maybe it'll be a plain old turning point--but either way it feels strangely imminent.  Maybe that's just an instinct that we can't go on like this much longer, one way or another, but I hope we figure out some relief before it gets to that point.  We're okay--we're so much better than we have been in many respects and are so blessed in so many ways.  But this is still hard.  I'm not good at decisions on a normal day, and so much about pandemic life feels like life-or-death (or at least, loss of quality of life) decisions, not just on a daily basis, but often multiple times a day.  That's not how I'm built and these two years have challenged every bit of that.  I'm tired.  Lots of people are tired.  We can barely put on our own oxygen mask or help others with theirs, let alone fly the plane.  Basic functionality can be hard enough, and attending to other life stuff only happens when that need for control I posted about a couple weeks ago overtakes the exhaustion.  And even then, there's a reason my kitchen is still not remodeled and I don't know why our water pipes thump when the toilet flushes.  But some windows are on their way to getting redone, but probably only because the cracked one made that the "squeaky wheel".  One day, one thing at a time.

I never really thought about how there's a fine line between monotony and consistency.  They both indicate a sort of ever-presence, but while consistency's presence is reassuring, monotony's is annoying to the point of torture.  The unique brand of stress that the last two years has created is a monotonous hell most of the time.  But I've consistently said "one day at a time" because it's all we can do to get through this.  As the Bible says, "Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Most of us wouldn't have survived mentally had we known from the get-go that we'd still be living like this two years later.  But we've slowly adjusted because we built up our defenses one day at a time.  Only now I'm not sure how we will break down that wall once this is finally over.  It took years to build, so it might take years to dismantle.  All of this is such a process, and years from now we'll marvel at it, assuming the PTSD lets us think about it at all.  

Today wasn't great.  But hopefully tomorrow is a better day.  All we can do is hope.  

The Best of Times, The Worst of Times - Sports Edition

Last Sunday the Buffalo Bills played in their second playoff game of the year.  It was a bit of a crazy game, with the Bills taking an early lead and then falling behind for a good portion of the game.  The end was absolutely insane, with the Bills taking a lead, losing it, and taking it again.  There were 25 points scored between the two teams in the last two minutes alone.  When the Bills scored to take the lead with 13 seconds left, it seemed like they might have secured the victory at last, but this is Buffalo, and that's just not how things tend to work out.  Kansas City managed to tie the game with a long field goal as time expired, and then won the coin toss to start overtime.  Due to the stupidity of the NFL overtime rules, scoring a touchdown immediately ends the game, with no chance to tie it, and that's exactly how it ended.  The Bills couldn't stop Kansas City yet again, and that was it.  Season over.

I can't express just how heartbreaking it is.  It's four days later and I'm still really sad.  The day after felt like the day after the four lost Super Bowls back in the 90s.  To have victory be that close, with a team that has had absolutely incredible moments this season, losing just felt worse than usual.  Yes, they should have done better.  They should have been able to stop Kansas City on one drive or another and didn't.  But losing in essence because they lost the coin toss in overtime was just the icing on the cake.  They didn't even have full control of their own fate since only half the team got a chance to take the field, and after a game like that, it was just a terrible way to lose.  

The thing is, when you're from Buffalo, you're used to iconic losses.  As Craig's cousin's husband said on Facebook, just when you think Buffalo has found the most twisted, awful way to lose a big game, they find another one that's even worse.  The four lost Super Bowls, including "Wide Right", the Music City Miracle when the Bills lost on a last second play that included an illegal forward pass, and the Sabres' No Goal in the Stanley Cup Finals were among the worst.  There are other awful things that added to the futility, like being stuck in the same division as Tom Brady for about two decades, or the year the Sabres went to Game 7 in the Conference Finals only to have their best defenseman get a random staph infection (while many others were also injured) and have another defenseman accidentally shoot the puck over the glass and draw a penalty, which all contributed to their defeat in a year where they would have played the 8th seed for the Cup.  There have been countless personnel issues that contributed to both teams struggling for the better part of the 2000s, and the Bills have finally been that breath of fresh air we've wanted for so long.  But to lose this way, with 13 seconds left, is pure torture.  Ironically, much like that one Sabres' season, all of the other lower seeds won their football games (and Tom Brady got eliminated), which basically left the Super Bowl field wide open.  And now the Bills won't have a shot at it.  

Yes, we have an amazing quarterback that should serve us well for years to come, so there's a lot to be hopeful for.  He's talented and dedicated and fits so well in Buffalo.  He's got a great group around him, too, and I think the vast majority of his teammates love him and want to win for him.  The love affair between the city and players is as good as I've seen it since the 90s.  But I think I'm so jaded by past experience that I worry the magic will just disappear.  Team chemistry is such a weird thing, and a team that can be amazing one year sometimes just isn't the next.  At the tail end of the Sabres' last great run, they bungled two free agents and the team hasn't been the same since.  The Bills could lose their offensive and/or defensive coordinators, as they are both interviewing (and after this debacle some could wonder if that's a good thing), but what if something just doesn't work next year with their replacements?  Or what if--God forbid--Josh Allen gets hurt?  That could change everything again.   When everything is clicking on all levels and you get this far, seeing it all go away just stings because there's no guarantee it will happen again.  The Sabres stayed good for about seven seasons after they went to the finals, but never made it back, and the only other Sabres team that made it to the finals back in the 70s was much the same--lots of good years but no additional finals appearances.  We saw the Bills go to four Super Bowls with an amazing core of players, and as good as they were, they never won either.  The current team played a near-perfect game the prior week, and they couldn't do it despite countless heroics and even record-breaking performances.  So what more needs to happen?  What does it take to be the best, and why on earth is Buffalo incapable of doing so...ever?  It's absolutely gutting.

On the heels of that, we ended up having a pretty awesome sports night on Tuesday.  Jacob's school basketball saga has continued to have twists and turns since the 8th graders were sent down to the modified team in early December.  They didn't play any games until a couple weeks ago, and Jacob was frustrated by the level of talent on the team as he went through practices.  There's him and two of his buddies who are good, one kid who thinks he's good and can get some points but ends up being more of a liability, a few kids who might be decent on a CYO team, and a few kids that are lucky to be playing at all.  The first game was a bit of a debacle on both sides, with some kids who didn't even know where to line up for a foul shot.  Jacob played sparingly because they were significantly better than the other team, but put up a good showing for the time he got, so much so that the JV coach said he should have kept him on the team (seriously?!).  Shortly after, Jacob and the other two were called back up to JV.  However...in the time since the modified thing happened, we've gotten deeper into the debate of whether to change schools and reclassify.  Originally Jacob was content to sit out next year (as you have to when you switch schools while playing at the JV or Varsity level), but when he ended up not being on JV, he settled into the idea of being able to play next year after all.  If things go well he might even be able to make Varsity.  Well...then the call-up came, but we deemed it not worth giving up next year's eligibility for barely half a season and probably limited playing time at that.  We've had a few games in the meantime and Jacob has played really well.  It helped that the one kid who overestimates his abilities broke his hand, because that has made it much easier for Jacob to play his preferred position and get more time, and he's proved he is the best player on the team.  To see him finally get to show what he's capable of has been amazing.  He just sees the floor so well, and even when his shooting isn't perfectly on target, he's making plays and getting assists.  He got 14 points last Friday playing against a team of kids he may run into next year, since it was a combo team of his top choice school and another local Christian school.  Then came Tuesday.  They played at another local parochial school and he started a bit slow.  Well, he scored two points right off the initial jump ball and then took a while to get his next two, but didn't play the entire second quarter.  But in the third, he was on fire!  He scored 14 points in that quarter alone, including a buzzer beater almost from half court at the end of the quarter.  It was amazing.  He got put back in at the end of the game, partly because they were losing their lead and partly because the team was asking the coach since he was so close to 20, and sure enough, he got two more points to hit 20 for the game, the first time he's hit that level.  It was really fun to watch.  Tonight's game was much the same, with him scoring 19.  I had to miss it to be with Carter, but it's great to know he continues to do well.

The struggle with him has long been that we've seen his potential and he talks a big game, but circumstances constantly seemed to stack up against him--bad coaches, stuck in the wrong position, greedy teammates, losing out to the coach's kid, an off-day at the wrong time, having to hold back against lesser competition, you name it.  He would always talk about getting 20 points (or more) and would always end up with 4 or 6 or 10 instead.  We knew he was capable of more, but he just never seemed to catch a break.  Tuesday and Thursday (and to some degree the game before), he was finally unleashed with full support of his teammates, and he did amazing.  He's averaging 18 points in the last three games.  You can see his comfort and confidence, and how well he sees the floor.  He's a couple steps ahead of everyone.  He used to avoid driving up the middle at all costs and now has the moves to pull it off.  It's been such a bright spot, although it may all come to a crashing halt if his two friends officially start playing JV and he loses his support system.  But at least we know it's possible and it gives me hope heading toward whatever next year may bring.

Speaking of next year, we'll likely start moving forward on that as soon as next week when the application process opens.  His school doesn't really know we're leaving yet, aside from having to explain to the JV coach why he doesn't want to play now.  I'm personally not super comfortable with the new school for a few reasons, but that's just me.  It's smaller, whiter, and as a whole more conservative.  As we were sitting at the basketball game against their shared modified team last week, I looked over and saw numerous maskless white parents, and it was pretty clear who they were cheering for.  I was extra annoyed since the signs are pretty clear and it wasn't like it was their school.  It's a bit ballsy to walk into someone else's space and carry on your maskless protest.  It just rubbed me the wrong way.  I found out later that one of their varsity games back in December was mostly maskless and ended up being a superspreader, so that doesn't give me a lot of comfort.  When we were on our tour they insisted they follow the state rules, but we saw a couple maskless kids in classrooms and a whole slew of kids in the cafeteria (not at lunch time) without them, so I'm not jazzed about that.  Hopefully it will be less of a concern by September, but still.  

Academically I'm sure the school is fine, but with its smaller size there are less offerings.  I talked to a friend of mine from college whose son goes there and plays basketball there (hence where I heard the superspreader story), and he loves it, but he's used to a small Christian school from Kindergarten on up.  I guess their language program is all online with Rosetta Stone, and while there are AP classes, she said that when her son didn't get into honors track classes because of scheduling conflicts, he wasn't as challenged.  I also just found a stat online that only 41% of students go on to a four-year school, compared to 92% at Jacob's current school.  I definitely don't love that stat.  Of course, if this doesn't work out, there's always the charter school option.  The prospective one that Craig is on the board of is opening in 2023 and because it would be more like a prep school for sports, we think he wouldn't have to sit a year.  But we'll see.  I worry about academics for a brand-new school too, and wonder how colleges would rate it.  The funny thing is a lot of his former teammates and fellow training buddies are in the midst of similar transitions--reclassifying, changing schools--and some are probably going to the school he's leaving.  There are lots of reasons on all sides to stay or go--academically, athletically, and practically.  The possible new school is closer and slightly cheaper, and also has a more tolerable uniform policy.  But is that enough?  Jacob likes being in a diverse setting--it's all he's ever known--and given that he didn't feel he fit in among the homogeneity or more conservative leanings of the kids in our church youth group last year, I wonder if the diversity on the basketball team will be enough to get him through the rest of the year, especially because I bet he will have less opportunity for intermingling there than his current school, which purposely mixes kids through their house setup.  The academics will also be entirely different--same subjects every day as opposed to an alternating schedule--which means more subjects of homework daily and likely far less time to get it done at school since his current setup includes significant unstructured time.  He's using that change as a reason he should reclassify, since he'll need time to get used to that before grades count for real, but I still worry there will be things that will bore him as he repeats 8th grade.  There's still a few things that need to happen before the reclassification can move forward, but I know the boys are eager.  I personally wish there was another way.

Otherwise, I'm mostly just getting frustrated because a state judge ruled the mask mandate was unconstitutional and it's empowering all these people that didn't want to mask as it was.  In the meantime, I'll apparently have to mask even better for work, since the University wants surgical or N95s everywhere.  I'm as sick of it as anyone else, but I also don't feel like getting omicron and risking complications.  Opinions are more divergent than ever, and it's simply exhausting trying to be a good person and yet seeing other people just not care, particularly when most are supposed to share your faith.

I'm tired.

News and Notes, All Shoveled Out Edition

It's the end of a long weekend and I am tired.  That does not bode well for this week, even if it's a short one.  

We got over a foot of snow last night, and there's a chance for more overnight, and after two rounds of shoveling, I am beat.  That was on top of barely being able to walk for two days because I tried a new workout on Saturday.  I am trying to get myself back into a workout routine because I just haven't been able to do it for months, and I can tell that my body needs some activity.  I've been trying to change things up with this smart TV workout app, and after trying a couple shorter programs, I did a longer one on Saturday after the elliptical (which is apparently now broken--the resistance won't go down) and it was pretty intense.  It reminded me of my old instructor's challenge workouts from between my two pregnancies, and I ended up rather sore.  In some ways the shoveling loosened things up, but then they tightened up again pretty quickly and added a tired back to the mix.  Suffice it to say I'm happy to not have to move much tomorrow once school drop-off is complete.  Whenever we get a storm like this (or really anything six inches or above), I kick myself for us not getting a snowblower.  But then I realize we only get a storm like this every 2-3 years, and maybe one six-incher per year, and realize that's a lot of money for only a few uses.  I don't mind the workout when it's manageable, but this was a bit much considering it took all four of us hours to clear the driveway.  Drifts were at least 18 inches and the end of the driveway was a solid couple feet high, and rather heavy.  Buffalo got even more, and some schools are closed there tomorrow.  Thank goodness today was a holiday or I feel like my stress level balancing the kids, work, and shoveling would have been through the roof.

A highlight from the weekend was the Bills' big playoff win.  It was in crazy cold weather, single digits with negative wind chill, but the fans had a blast under all those layers.  It was just the first round but they had what is being considered the NFL's first ever perfect offensive game.  They had touchdowns on every possession except when they kneeled, no turnovers, no sacks, fewer incompletions than touchdown passes, and any number of other impressive stats.  They won by 30 points against the Patriots of all teams.  Now they'll play the Chiefs, one of the NFL's reigning best teams, so we'll see if they can exorcise the demons from losing to them in the conference championship last year.  I've been a Bills fan too long to assume their perfect game means anything, because we went to four straight Superbowls and seemed good enough to win at least one (and led another at halftime) and yet here we sit 30 years later emptyhanded.  I feel this awful sense of urgency, though, because I really want to see them win with Josh Allen and I worry that coaches and/or players will start getting poached imminently (like this off-season) and the magic will dissipate.  The thing is, Josh Allen is such a perfect Buffalo athlete.  Buffalo athletes need to be special people--they need to be OK with being recognized and adored in crazy ways without getting too full of themselves.  They understand the passionate fans and embrace the community.  There's a wing at the Children's Hospital with Josh Allen's grandmother's name on it.  He just gets it.  He brings back memories of so many other guys that passionately played here and loved it, some of whom stuck around and made it home afterward.  The Bills and Sabres both had generations of players like that, and I feel like they've been harder to come by in more recent decades as the teams have struggled. Ironically, the last quarterback that had those vibes (but wasn't nearly as good) happened to be at the game, shirtless at times, cheering the Bills on.  Ryan Fitzpatrick actually lived down the street from Craig's parents and seemed to be a fantastic human being and a guy who appreciated living in Buffalo, so seeing him at the game brought a lot of smiles to a lot of people because he's evidence we did something right by him.  But for so many other players, they didn't have positive memories here and were probably in a rush to move on.  But seeing flashes of that again (and seeing those past Bills players support this young quarterback wholeheartedly) has been lovely, and I just want so badly for the ultimate success to finally happen here before something goes permanently wrong again.  

We mostly stayed out of the extreme cold on Saturday aside from grabbing dinner out, and Craig had practice early Sunday but got home late in the afternoon.  Otherwise I went to Wegmans and the boys did some basketball training stuff, and things were pretty quiet.  I even read a book in two days because it's due tomorrow.  The weather today meant that Jacob's game that was supposed to happen today did not, so now we have to wait until Wednesday to see how his next modified game will go.  His first one was frustrating as they blew out the other team and he not only didn't play much but was also told to hold off on shooting.  He really dislikes this team for a lot of (mostly valid) reasons.  We're still agonizing over the school thing--we went on a tour Tuesday which brought up a whole new set of questions--and then we found out this weekend that the team he was supposed to play on in the spring (which was actually a level below what he could play because he refused to play for a certain coach again) might not have a coach, so he might have to find another team.  Luckily there are a couple options that are intriguing in their own right, but it's frustrating to keep running into roadblocks with his basketball career.  It makes the school decision seem even more monumental, because if he makes these changes, he has no choice but to move forward even if things don't go the way he was expecting, which seems to be the norm.  

Have I mentioned that Jacob is trying to bulk up and it's driving me crazy?  It's hard enough to feed a growing teenager, let alone a gluten-free one who's trying to load up on the protein.  He's doing shakes, eating oatmeal and a hard-boiled egg for breakfast, always looking for better snacks (like the $6.99 bag of protein chips--ugh), and generally driving me a little nuts keeping up with it all.  He's also working out more in between practices, which is good for him but frustrating when we're trying to have normal family dinners.  It's working, as he has gained a few pounds and moved up his weight percentile a few points, but it has been a bit more dominant a theme in our daily planning than I'd like.  Most days I feel like I'm not prepared to be the mom of an elite athlete.  Have I mentioned I might need to take him to Philly by myself in a couple months?  It's...a lot.  But I'm trying.

Carter is chugging along.  He seems to be doing well with school and now takes so much pride in how he does on assignments and tests and how he progresses in his computer learning apps.  It's night and day compared to last year, where anything having to do with school was the last thing he wanted to talk about.  Now he asks me almost every day, "What do you want to know about my day?"  So I ask him what special he had or what he learned or what was fun.  It's hard to think of good questions, but I know that's a good problem to have when your kid wants to talk about their day.  He's winding down therapy, it would appear.  He has about four social group sessions left and a couple more one-on-one sessions, and then I think we'll be done.  He's progressed so well--in part because of the medicine but also through some other positive things that have created the good kind of perfect storm.  We still struggle a bit to pull him away from screens, particularly since he inherited Jacob's old phone and he still loves watching The Simpsons every chance he gets--in spite of all the Christmas toys in the living room.  It's still a work in progress.  I can't believe he's only a month away from turning nine, but I'm so grateful he's still a snuggly, loving kid most of the time.  We lost that for a bit in the midst of the worst of the pandemic, but he's a happy, positive kid again.  He gives me a ton of hugs, especially when I do something to make him happy.  This weekend it was two days of egg salad sandwiches and some rice krispie treats.  He still likes a snuggle at bedtime and it's so sweet when he holds my arm around him.  We're unfortunately still dealing with some challenges in the overnight department with his brain vs. his bladder, which all restarted back a few years ago when his apnea and tonsils/adenoids were causing problems, but nothing has seemed to fix it despite fixing those issues.  We're going to try something new hopefully by next weekend, so we'll see how the next few weeks and months go.  It just stinks because it's not something he can help and it's been a thing for so long.  I'm hesitant to try medication (crappy side effects), so hopefully we can get this figured out because he deserves so much better than what his body is still making him deal with.  

Craig is getting back into the groove with work after a month of almost nothing except some planning and lots of worrying, first due to the holidays and then due to COVID cases ravaging half the team.  He has two games this coming weekend, one home and one away.  It'll be a challenge for everyone to get back in the groove, I think.  It seems like the season has been going on forever but we're only a few games in.  

As for me, my problem-solving jag has continued, and probably even leveled up.  After buying bras last week (and deciding to keep them all), I of course bought bags to properly wash them so I don't destroy them.  But then I realized they were all crammed in my drawers (they don't fold like my old ones), so then I was trying to switch things around for them, which led to me deciding that maybe it's time for my jewelry to get a better setup.  I have command hooks holding most of my necklaces on the wall, ice cube trays holding most of my earrings in an underwear drawer, and an old gum megapack container holding my big earrings.  All of it's a little hard to wrangle, so I pulled the trigger on a new jewelry armoire that has a mirror on the front.  I really hope it works.  If it does, it will open up space on my dresser top, wall, and in my drawer, plus allow me to pass off my full-length mirror to Carter, who has a weird tendency to put his shirts on backwards (I think he gets distracted and just turns them the wrong way some days) and needs to get in the habit of checking himself out.  So, multiple problems will be addressed, and I'm hoping it arrives in good shape and doesn't have some of the issues negative reviewers (who were a minority) had with it.  At least I ordered it from Walmart for an easier return policy.  

It seems to me that when I don't have the ability or brainpower to address the big problems, I do what I can to fix the small everyday ones, just so one element of my life gets easier.  That's probably not the best route to go, but it's apparently a pandemic-derived coping skill I'm using a lot currently.  Maybe I should be figuring out how to get my kitchen renovated, elliptical fixed, windows replaced (our new one randomly cracked over the weekend), or call to get a new humidifier installed, but instead as I type I'm agonizing over another buying decision--this time for a Ninja blender.  My little single serve blender is on its last legs and Jacob uses it all the time now, so I was debating getting a big-time Ninja because I have always hated the food processor that came with my blender when we got married.  I want something durable and easy for Jacob and got it in my head that I can kill two birds with one stone if I get the full system.  But I barely use my food processor (partly because I don't like it but partly because I just don't need to) and my real blender doesn't get used much either.  But maybe with a better one it would?  Maybe I'd prefer doing cookie dough in the food processor?  Maybe I'd make my own smoothies if it was easier?  Maybe I'd try other new things...but maybe that's being too optimistic?  I just don't want to get something lesser and regret it, but what if the Ninja dies out before I feel like I got my worth out of the extras?  Sometimes we need a refresh to get into new habits but this would be an expensive gamble.  I can get a good deal at Kohl's, but I don't know.  

Beyond that I've been desperately trying to work through a mental block for weekly food planning.  Poor Carter got dragged to three stores the other night and I'm still struggling for ideas and ingredients.  It's like I've hit a wall and have no idea what to feed these people.  I might be fine on a main dish but struggle on sides (two acceptable veggies is not enough), or I keep doing the same sides and feeling like I don't have enough other options for main dishes because I'm blowing through meat so quickly.  I think I'm just tired and bored with what we've been doing and frustrated when ingredients aren't available for a while, and all of that gets me out of my routine and I forget what I used to make by the time something is back in stock.  Even my master dinner list isn't helping me these days.  

It's weird, because sometimes life seems really good and I'm blown away by how blessed we are, and other times I'm just weirdly exhausted and wondering what we're doing wrong.  It's hard to describe and sometimes I feel like my brain chemistry needs a little balancing, but I know that's probably a bit much and these are just normal problems amplified by a crappy, never-ending pandemic.  And I didn't even mention the COVID stress that omicron is causing right now as people are getting it left and right.  We solider on, one day, one issue at a time.  We're okay, even better than okay most days.  But it's still hard.  But at least this time, it's a four-day week!    

Control Freak

I don't know what it is about the new year that inevitably sends me into a bit of a frenzy to solve problems and reorganize my life.  I mean, I guess some people do it because the new year signals a "fresh start", or others do it because the Christmas clutter makes them crazy and they either need to reorganize to fit everything or they overcompensate with order after a month of excess.  I suppose some of that plays into my stuff, too, but I feel like January tends to be a time where I must find solutions to all the things.  Maybe it's a clearer brain after a busy December, maybe it's the lack of anything else happening in the dead of winter...or this year, maybe it's just my anxiety-ridden self trying to control whatever I can in a time where very little seems controllable.  I actually got a head start with reorganizing Carter's shelf space back in December, but now that the tree is down and our furniture is back in place, I'll have another job on my hands trying to figure out where to pull all of his new toys.  We'll see if that starts a new domino effect of projects. 

As much as I hated to take our decorations down this weekend, I felt a certain sense of calm thinking about my usual white/pine/crystal/silver/blue winter decor theme.  It does usually feel good to get the house back to a more streamlined level of decor for at least a few weeks, until I start editing the winter stuff again to make room for Valentine's Day.  The Christmas stuff really made me happy this year, and I enjoyed working from home to enjoy it a little more.  Our outside Christmas lights were still bringing me a lot of job, so I was sad to take them down.  For the inside stuff I usually get to a point where I feel like I'm pathetically hanging on to something that's done, and the stress of knowing it needs to be packed away starts outweighing the joy it brings me.  It was time.  That's mostly how I spent my Saturday, with a few last things today, and I'm feeling every bit of the activity.

As a side note, I've been getting nostalgic for my weekend away a year ago, when I traveled for my godson's baptism.  That weekend was pretty monumental since it was my first time out of town overnight (not counting Buffalo) since before the pandemic began.  My time alone at the Corning Museum of Glass was so relaxing (aside from the stressful Bills' playoff game), I savored my evening of wandering and pizza in Corning, and very much enjoyed a root beer float and a movie in my own hotel room.  It was the best kind of solitude, followed by a very special time with Heather and Mason (blog post here).  I can't believe that tiny baby is now over a year old and turning into such a big boy.  I can't complain since I had another one of those rejuvenating weekends when I went to visit them two months ago, but last year's was such a nice bright spot in the middle of the cold winter blahs, on top of feeling monumentally huge after being stuck at home (and almost never alone) for so long.

Now that we have officially entered the cold winter blahs once again (complete with real cold and even some snow on the ground--never mind that parts of Buffalo got over a foot the other day), I'm caught in this weird spot of trying to fix all the problems around the house but also work through this extra level of exhaustion it seems most of us are carrying around these days due to the ongoing pandemic.  Cases have risen exponentially to levels previously unseen.  Fortunately, hospitalizations aren't following at the same rate, but it's still concerning to see how many cases are out there and how easily transmissible it is right now.  We're hearing of cases left and right.  While I know we're as protected as we can be, and therefore less worried about how we'd fare, I still worry about who we could infect or how we'd manage quarantine, even though it's far shorter than it was last time.  Even still, you can just tell everyone is hitting a critical stage of COVID fatigue.  A lot of people mentioned it when the new year turned over, how there is just this low-level exhaustion that is making life exponentially harder.  It's not like the acute stress we all felt early on, and it's different than what's been felt since things really started to drag on.  You'd think by now we'd have settled into a new normal, and in many ways I suppose we have--the boys are doing fine with school and most days I prefer working from home--but the overall feel isn't really any better.  It's a mix of frustration with people that don't want to comply, being sick of restrictions ourselves, but knowing that we need to comply to keep ourselves and others safe, because the resulting guilt would be even worse.  The unpredictability of things right now isn't helping, either.  Schools have been closing or going remote as cases rise, and the other day at work, they asked for volunteers to do clinical work at the hospital half the week (while doing their own job the rest of the time) because quarantines have cut staffing 50% in some areas.  We thought we'd be past all of this, and yet here we are.  At the very core of things, I can't rest soundly knowing that so many people are going through so much, and that's before I think about the ways that we've been struggling or could struggle with worse.

So, I'm guessing my brain is compensating for the lack of control and anxiety by trying to fix or organize what I can.  I bought new bras because my main one is ripping.  I reorganized a shelf of my pantry.  I replaced my E-Z Pass, which I accidentally got from New Jersey instead of New York years ago, and therefore wasn't properly linked to New York's system for billing in the event it was in Craig's van now that there's cashless tolling.  I submitted my child care reimbursement claim (the money from two years ago that I thought I lost--but they reinstated it, thank goodness).  I bought a new brush because my round brush was pulling my hair too bad.  I reorganized my kitchen towels because their drawer was too jammed up and I forgot I freed up space in another.  I've done random deep cleaning projects because everywhere I look is another dirty spot--the slats of my pantry door, this weird crevice in my stove, our entire entryway.  I even went into the office twice this week (even though our work-from-home flexibility has been extended into February) because I had a massive filing project I figured I'd have time to do this week before Q2 books closed.  It was huge, two years' worth of fundraising appeals, and it was such a load off my mind (and desk) to complete it.  I've also been shopping obsessively for a jewelry armoire, because my current storage isn't working and I could use the space because my new bras aren't fitting right in my drawer.  It would solve multiple issues but I'm always worried about bad reviews.  

It all feels like weird little stuff but I feel so much better once it's done.  For a while since the pandemic got going, I've felt much more urgency to do things that could make my life easier or more enjoyable.  I still think through purchases and watch my money, but if it solves an issue and could make my day-to-day life a little smoother, I'm in.  A while back I bought quad cube storage bins from Amazon for our front entry.  We'd had a two tier shoe shelf in the spot, but I realized if I moved up an old, massive set of shoe cubbies up from storage into the front closet, I could move shoes there and have functional storage for Jacob's off-day school stuff, extra masks, basketballs, or other miscellaneous junk that collected near the door.  They were cheap and work well.  A couple months ago I rearranged my overfull pajama drawer so everything was folded into rows.  It brings me relief every time I look for pajamas and don't have to search or cram the drawer shut.  If I can make one little spot of life easier, hopefully that takes a little stress off somewhere else?  Probably bad logic, but I try anyway.

Another week is upon us.  Jacob may actually start playing some basketball this week, and he's also supposed to be checking out a new school.  We're going to have very cold weather, and maybe some decent snow.  Craig's got another weekend off coming up (after this weekend's game was canceled due to COVID on the team), and while we can't go see the UR men's basketball game like we planned, maybe we can think of something more fun since I won't be spending that weekend taking down Christmas!  I've got a boatload of work to do for work this week, but luckily I'll just be doing it from the comfort of home.  Still a lot on my mind, but things could always be worse so I'll look at the positives as much as I can!

New Year, Now What?

So...here we are.  2022 has arrived.  I feel like I barely even acknowledged it.  New Year's Eve itself was a bit of a dud.  We ordered take out from Red Robin, played the new Connect 4 Shots, watched a movie and the ball drop, and otherwise just continued the very low-key existence of the rest of our break.  We played with Carter's new toys, Jacob's gone to the gym a few times to shoot, and otherwise we just stayed home--lots of TV and movies, lots of phones, lots of late mornings, and lots of snacks.  Despite all the down time, I still felt like I spent most of it doing busy work--dishes, laundry, cookie baking, grocery shopping, picking up the clutter--but I did my best to play with Carter when I could, and I think everyone else had some good down time.  It's never enough, of course, and I know going back to real life is going to be rough.

As for the new year itself, I think our understated celebration just underscores our lack of faith in things getting better anytime soon.  After hoping for a better year in 2021 and getting a huge mixed bag, I think I'm hesitant to put any expectations on this year at all.  As a result, I'm not even really thinking about it being a new year.  It doesn't seem like there's much to celebrate, or at the very least I'm hesitant to celebrate leaving anything behind when we don't know if what's ahead could be worse.

If I'm honest, I don't think we as a family had a bad year.  Craig said something on New Year's Eve about it being a terrible year, and I know the end of his has really sucked because he's been on COVID patrol for his team, which has been exhausting.  But overall, many things about this year were better.  The kids got back to school full-time, we had opportunities to get back to "normal" work life while maintaining some better work-life balance, Jacob got back to more regular basketball, Carter got back on track at school, we graduated from family therapy, we finally had a decent vacation, I got a raise and promotion, and we had periods of time that almost felt normal.  But considering what we thought this year would look like a year ago as vaccines were giving everyone hope, the year definitely didn't work out the way we'd hoped.  There were still canceled parties, missing festivals, concerns with gatherings, more division than ever over COVID regulations, and real travel still felt very uncomfortable.  Delta arrived in the summer and changed everything, and now omicron's making things even worse.  It's just disappointing that we're not much better off despite all we've already been through.

While most years I'm a little sad we don't really have a crew to hang out with during this week for sledding or post-Christmas snack fests or New Year's parties like I see other people do on Facebook, this year I couldn't help but cringe every time I saw another set of party pictures get posted.  All I could feel was that everyone gathering was taking a huge risk.  Omicron is seemingly everywhere, and the farther we could stay from other people this week, the better I felt.  For the few places we went, we were sure to mask, and for the most part we were never in the vicinity of any person for more than a minute or two.  I guess I can't say for sure about Jacob's gym time since I wasn't there, but I can at least say I felt no need to test Carter prior to going back to school because he hadn't really been anywhere!

Craig had to test himself for work today per the league's new guidelines, and his was negative, so I'll take that as a good sign for the rest of us.  However, it seemed like every hour today he was finding out about yet another person connected to the team who tested positive.  There were a few who tested positive a few days after Christmas, but today's mandatory league testing brought another deluge.  They'll be lucky to have enough players and coaches by next weekend's game--assuming it doesn't get canceled first.  It just tells me that so many people have been gathering over the past couple weeks with people who were likely asymptomatic, and the odds are getting ever higher that we'll be in the wrong place at the wrong time at some point.  I know schools are going to get treacherous, if only because of unmasked lunches, so I'm bracing myself for the kids to get it, or schools to go remote due to outbreaks, or for schools to close due to teacher shortages.  It's incredibly nervewracking.  The good news is we're all as vaccinated as we can get--or at least Carter and Craig will be up to full protection in another couple weeks.  Craig felt terrible after his booster--he had a day of bad aches and multiple days of headaches.  Carter, on the other hand, had nothing but a sore arm.  Thank goodness, because it could have ruined his New Year's Eve due to my bad planning!  My parents are supposed to be going on a cruise in another month, and while that alone makes me nervous, at the same time I guess getting COVID now would mean they can't go anyway, so it's a mess all around.  Who'd have thought we'd still be in this terrible spot?

A local 17-year-old died of COVID this weekend.  My high school friend is still in the ICU, getting slightly better but still with a very long road ahead--assuming no random complications get him first.  It's sad and sobering.  Are the odds low that we'd have issues?  Sure, but odds didn't mean much to my second cousin who passed away.  The sheer randomness of who is bad and who isn't should concern everyone enough to take a couple extra steps, particularly because past infection doesn't seem to exempt you from a new one.  I think all of this plus a few other struggles on my mind--namely another high school friend (my age!) who had a stroke last week and the terrible wildfires that just destroyed almost 1,000 homes near Denver (a little too close for comfort to family)--has made for a bit of a tough "count your blessings" week or so.  Yes, things are tough, but they could be so much tougher so I'm trying to savor as much of our relative normalcy as I can.  

We no doubt have some challenges coming up--the rest of Craig's season, my department being extremely short-staffed, whatever COVID does to schools, and a couple big decisions to make for Jacob's future.  We're still struggling with his basketball situation, and that could leave him in a situation to not only change schools, but also stay back a grade to maximize his basketball potential.  I have so many feelings about that, but I know that's going to be a tough one.  

I think this week I've just tried to empty my brain of everything as much as I could to just relax and try to enjoy the family time.  We did get back to some of the sibling rivalry stuff again this week--they just can't leave each other alone when they have spare time--but I think we did our best to chill as deeply as we could.  I know there's probably more I could have put in this post that I'm just blocking out because I just can't deal with it right now.  I feel completely unprepared to get back in the groove tomorrow and I'm sure there are things I'm forgetting need to happen.  After Christmas there's always a need for a break, both mental and physical, and I think we all took it to an extreme this week.  Hopefully that's not a bad thing.

I wish I had high hopes for this year, but all I can do right now is hope that all these omicron cases give people some degree of immunity, hopefully with few severe cases or side effects to overburden hospitals or ruin lives, and cases go down sharply in the coming months.  But now I know better than to assume we won't get another variant that could make things worse again.  Our summer could be great, or it could be another lost opportunity.  Our holidays are definitely a toss-up at this point.  Maybe we'll get COVID, come through fine, and feel more confident to do more (at least until another variant works around that immunity).  But I've seen too much to assume things will be that simple.  Nothing about this has been simple and the weight keeps getting heavier.  Even if we're doing fine, there's a mental toll to all of this due to the sheer duration and mental energy it takes to constantly weigh safety concerns vs. mental and physical health.  A friend asked on Facebook what would constitute a "better" year, and it's a question I've asked myself since this started--what will make things feel better?  My only answer was that there would have to be significantly more resemblance to pre-pandemic life--kinder, gentler people, less illness, a return to more activities that we once loved.  I thought being back to school and work would make a huge difference, and while they helped, it wasn't enough.  Our summer trip helped, but it wasn't enough because we're still waiting for that trip to Disney to feel safe.  Our vaccines helped for a while, but they no longer protect others and are now merely a small personal insurance policy as we wait for our inevitable illness and quarantine to strike.  It's sobering and it's sad, even amidst the many blessings we've had over the past year.

I don't know what 2022 will hold, and I honestly don't even want to think about it right now.  We're back to taking things day by day and hoping for the best.  I hope in a year we can say it was "better", but if I was picking a theme word for the year, "confidence" would definitely not be it.  I hate to think it would be "survival" but that's what's jumping out right now.  However, as one of my favorite bands says, "I want to thrive, not just survive."  We've got a long way to go to get back to that, but all we can do is hope...very carefully.