News & Notes, Farewell to Summer Edition

Well, that's a wrap.  Labor Day is over and reality starts tomorrow.  After six months of casual wakeups and very little structure, Jacob has an early morning and a half day of orientation tomorrow followed by three full days in school.  Carter starts remote learning on Thursday but won't go into the classroom until Tuesday.  But the wheels are turning and we're getting this train back on the track.  Lunches will be packed, early morning drop-offs will resume, and our new normal will commence.

I'm not quite sure what to make of this summer.  I mean, on one hand, it sucked.  We couldn't really go anywhere and most of our usual summer traditions were minimal--one mini-golf session, only drive-thru ice cream outings, and no real vacations.  We did a couple day trips that were fun, but those were not much compared to a multi-day adventure with hotel stays.  And considering last summer wasn't too great either, it feels like we've definitely been lacking in the family fun department.  On the other hand, I had five weeks off, the weather was amazing, and we probably got to enjoy more of summer than usual.  I had a lot more time to porch sit, appreciate my garden and flowers, and swim in the pool.  The kids probably feel just fine about it because they didn't have to rush off to camp every day and could just do what they wanted with their time, be it screen time or outside time.  That was every single summer for me as a kid, so I guess I'm happy they got a little taste of that, but we definitely took it a little too far--especially with Carter, who should have had more structure.  However, our current circumstances have sucked a little life out of us, so that ended up being one battle we couldn't fight as much--in part because work needed to get done and that was the easiest way to ensure it.

So, this week should be interesting getting back to some structure.  We found out on Thursday who Carter's teacher is.  Word is that she's pretty strict but ultimately fair.  She has her classroom rules and lays them out very clearly, but if you stick within them, you're good.  Apparently she's good about ensuring that kids get the help they need, so I'll be interested to see how quickly we get a request for Carter to be tested for ADHD.  His last teacher was really laid back and managed his challenges just fine (remember, she basically saved Jacob's academic career, so she's pretty much the most patient woman ever), and yet Carter still said she was mean.  I'm not sure if he was just trying to make a point or if he really thought so, but if it's the latter we're probably screwed.  Apparently the kid across the street liked this new teacher last year, so that gives me hope, but I have a feeling he's a lot more obedient and quiet than Carter usually is.  I'm a bit more nervous than usual because he's going from no structure for months to a significantly more strict setup.  I'm not sure if it's good that he'll only be subject to the full deal two days a week, or bad that things won't be as consistent as a normal five-day week.  I guess we'll see soon enough.  I'm not too worried about Jacob, but we'll see what five days a week of masked, distanced school feel like after a long summer and short school days from his bed prior to that.

In other news, this week we finally had work done to our bathroom!  It was a long time coming and despite the steep price tag, it was good to get it done.  We changed out our sink and faucet...

And the outdated faucet setup in the shower was changed out.  The three knob system (hot, cold, and diverter in the middle) was switched out for one single knob with a plate to cover the holes, plus a new faucet with a diverter knob.  They also changed out the drain setup and showerhead pipe so everything matches (although we kept our actual showerhead with the sprayer).
 

The most amazing thing (other than it being more visually attractive) is that showers are so much quieter without water pouring out of the faucet (and burning your ankles).  We also had our pressure regulator valve replaced, which was huge because we've had pressure issues for a couple years.  If you had water on elsewhere in the house, you'd lose pressure upon turning on something else.  Our pipes were extremely loud when certain things turned on.  Now everything is so much quieter and we don't lose pressure, which is great--except when the basement toilet handle sticks and I can no longer tell from anywhere in the house if the water is running.  Oops!  But I'm just glad it's done.  Someday we'll reglaze the tub to match the rest, but next up is the kitchen!

In case you were wondering, it was yet another lovely week with my flowers.  Check out this beauty!

I had a lot of morning glories this week, and as I was about to take a picture of this perfect flower, this pollen-filled little bee butt hopped in there and made a mess of things!

Zoom in to see the offender!

On Friday I went into my office to rescue my candy before it was all useless and grab a few other random things.  It was pretty depressing to be in there and see an empty office, and even weirder to see everything frozen in time back in mid-March, from my calendars to the papers on my desk, to our office mascot, Harriet the Naked Mole Rat!  We dress her up for seasons and she's still ready for St. Patty's Day!  Ugh.  I figured if I left her like that she'd probably be ready for us to return in the spring...sad but true.

On Saturday, Carter and I left for Buffalo in the morning.  Jacob had a basketball game, so Craig stayed behind with him.  Carter and I stopped at a fun candy store I just heard about before heading to my parents' and then off to my cousin's house for a Labor Day picnic.  It was my first time there, and what a gorgeous house!  We spent most of the time in the backyard despite it being abnormally chilly and dodging a few raindrops.  But the food was great and although Carter wasn't thrilled to be there, eventually I think we both had a pretty good time (if only because Carter won $6 from my uncle catching cornhole bean bags)! 

On Sunday I went to a bridal shower for Craig's cousin's fiancee.  I was a little nervous about this one since it would be my first indoor event since the pandemic really got going.  It was at a gorgeous restored theater (basically in the lobby area) with all those awesome, ornate, old-school accents.

It was a beautiful, girly event with great food and good company.  I sat with a couple aunts, a few cousins, and another cousin's girlfriend.  We had to wear masks while up and about, but could take them off at the table.  That made me quite nervous, but sometimes you just have to hope it's fine.  The good news is that the tables were distanced well, but hopefully everyone at my table was okay.  I'll be on guard a bit for the next week or so.

After the shower, Craig's aunt suggested I stop at her house not far away to meet her new grandson, whose mom was at the shower, but who was hanging out with his dad (Craig's cousin) at the house.  Since my next chance to see him might be Christmas (and who knows what that will look like), I took the chance to snuggle a month-old baby!  Baby Cooper is so sweet!

He slept the entire time I was there, and I soaked up my baby snuggles.  So awesome.  I also got some bonus time with our cousins and aunt and uncle, which is always great.  But soon it was time to head back to my parents', grab Carter (who ate filet mignon for lunch and got some time at the playground), stop at Walmart to stock up on gluten-free items, and head home to pre-ordered dinner waiting for us.  Definitely a full day!

Today I started the day by bringing up our old computer desk for Carter.  It's been hanging in our basement/crawl space for years--since before we moved, when we got the giant desk I actually took apart over a year ago.  I'm glad it's getting some use again beyond storage for all the glassware we got for our wedding!  I made some space in the dining room last night and the cart fits great right in the diagonally opposite corner from me.  We also had an older, small computer chair in storage, so now he's got a nice little workspace that will hopefully be better than the dining room table.  I can always look over to help or see what he's doing (read: make sure he's not sneaking on to YouTube), but not have him right on top of me or taking up table space.  He should have room to write if he needs it, too, since the cart actually has three levels--a monitor stand, a desktop, and a roll-out keyboard tray.  I'm adding a couple fidget toys, a wiggle seat cushion, and some personalized stuff to make it more welcoming for him, so hopefully it works to keep him a bit more comfortable and engaged once school starts. 

We also had Craig's parents visit for a few hours today on their way back from his dad's birthday weekend in the Finger Lakes.  We ordered in some lunch and then had birthday cake.  It was great to visit with them and catch up.  After they left, I ran a couple errands to try to make some improvements on Carter's space and the bathroom decor (with mixed success).  Then, since we ate late and ate a lot for lunch, we finished off summer with some ice cream tonight (DQ drive-in once again). 

It was an eventful weekend, no doubt--and I've been able to tell that at night these last few days since I've been more tired than usual.  Fingers crossed I can get myself on a decent sleep schedule again--right along with the kids.  It's going to be an interesting couple weeks (or longer) getting settled in, that's for sure.  I guess I should consider myself lucky that I'm only getting myself half-back into the swing of things (still not dressing up or commuting, but back to packing lunches and doing school drop-offs (and most likely pick-ups, too)), but it's definitely going to change things around here!  Here goes nothing...

The Brain vs. The Birthday

You know, I tried really hard to have a good birthday weekend.  I got about halfway there.

Things started out really well.  On Friday afternoon, I got to see my co-workers in person for the first time in 5-1/2 months.  Our boss invited us all over for a socially distanced outdoor happy hour.  All but a few made it, and it was truly wonderful to hang out, eat and drink, and catch up in ways that Zoom meetings just don't allow.  It was so amazing.  And they sang "Happy Birthday" to me and we ate Wegmans Ultimate Chocolate Cake, which was even better.  We laughed a ton and bemoaned the fact that this meeting might have to get us through another six months, since we have no return date to the office.  But it felt so good to have a few hours to pretend life was normal again.

I'm pretty sure I almost never sat down on Saturday.  The morning started out not-so-great, with Jacob plugging up the toilet so badly that even I (with many years of unclogging experience) could not solve it with a plunger or a snake.  We're chalking it up to new toilet paper (due to a shortage of our usual stuff), but I still have no idea what made it so epic.  After an hour of unsuccessful snaking and plunging, I took out my rage on our bushes outside.  I hate trimming them (especially since my finger incident many years ago), but they needed to be done and it wasn't hot yet so I went out and attacked 11 bushes.  With the extra adrenaline, it went a lot quicker and less painfully than usual (aside from a gash on my leg that I didn't notice until I was done).  And now I shouldn't have to do it again until next spring!  I spent a lot of the rest of the day grating vegetables, first zucchini for chocolate zucchini bread (on the heels of cucumber bread that the boys shockingly loved), and then cucumbers to set up cucumber sugar cookie dough for the next day.  Throw in some laundry and remaking Carter's bed, along with scrubbing up our bathroom in anticipation of the plumber (not just the one who came to unplug the toilet that afternoon, but also the ones coming Wednesday to bring our bathroom a little further out of the 60s).  I also picked up our delicious Red Robin dinner, which we all enjoyed.  It was definitely a tiring day, but at least it was a productive one!

Sunday was a little less productive, but I did bake the cucumber cookies, which were a hit!

I also wrapped up Carter's school supply shopping at Target and grocery shopped before making a delicious pork chop meal for dinner.  As I was waiting for dinner to finish cooking, I started prepping my next project, salt and vinegar cucumber chips.  Unfortunately, my thumb had a little run-in with the mandoline, so I was a bit gimpy wrapping up dinner and starting the chips.  I guess that was the beginning of the downturn, since my thumb hurt and the chips took way longer than the time multiple recipes stated.  Recipes said not to cut them so thin that they're see through, so I went with my mandoline's next size up, but apparently that equaled about two extra hours.  The extra time kept me up a little late before I finally gave up, turned off the oven, and vowed to turn it back on first thing this morning.  Which I did, and in the end they turned out decent--odd but addictive.  My thumb is a little ugly, but healing. 

The problem was, in the middle of all this busyness, I was repeatedly trying to decide how I wanted to spend my birthday day off, and what I wanted to do for dinner.  And I never did come to a decision, which I knew would be a problem.  Remember Mother's Day?  Apparently this is a thing for me now.  It happened periodically before COVID, but the predictability of it seems to be getting frustratingly easier the longer this "new normal" goes.  I'm really starting to think that my brain goes into some sort of overload when I have a decision to make that doesn't have any stand-out options that I can work through and rationalize.  When I just can't come to a decision based on pros and cons or other inputs, it just short circuits and shuts down.  I think COVID has made it worse because everything is just harder anyway, and our options have been extra limited, so when I finally have an opportunity to think outside the box, everything that's out there is just too much.  It's the same reason I usually just shop clearance racks, or panic when I get a chance to eat a gluten meal without Jacob.  The options just overwhelm me because I don't usually even consider a huge portion of them under normal circumstances, and then I put an unnecessary amount of pressure on myself to take advantage.  This time it wasn't just my dinner selection to decide, but also our activity for the day.  I wanted to take advantage of my day off and get a nice change of scenery because we still spend way too much time in this house, but after considering a dozen scenarios, none of them were working out.  Some were too far away, or involved a longer hike or activity I knew the kids wouldn't appreciate.  Some had COVID limitations that made them less desirable (if I'm going to do it I want the full experience).  Some were too expensive, and others just felt like more work than they were worth.  Stumped, I at least headed outside to water my plants before things got too busy.

The zinnias are still going crazy!  But I guess even they're not enough these days...

Then I did the dishes my thumb kept me from last night, Craig had a morning meeting, and I was torn between taking a bike ride and just getting ready, because I didn't want a bike ride limiting how much time we might have later in the day to do something.  But by then the analysis paralysis was really taking over, and while I managed to get showered and dressed and eat lunch, very shortly after it was clear we just weren't going to make anything work (and no, mini golf just wasn't going to cut it this time).  After listening to another round of the kids fighting and yet another rant by Jacob about Carter, I stormed off to my room and proceeded to spend the next many hours there, miserable.  I was angry with myself for sabotaging my own day.  I was mad at the kids for being more eager to play Fortnite than do something out in the world that I wanted to do.  I was mad at our current pandemic circumstances for making everything hard.  I felt guilty about being upset about all of it because I know I'm blessed with so much good in my life.  I think ultimately my brain is really craving a true escape--a complete change of scenery and routine--but that just isn't working out right now.  Safety is a concern, money is a consideration, and time really isn't cooperating.  So in comparison to that, nothing seems sufficient.  But even the smaller adventures should have been better than nothing, but I didn't just want to wing it and end up with bored, cranky, fighting kids or a lack of suitable food options that would make things even harder.  I think everything just needs to be a "path of least resistance" right now, but without time to plan and figure things out today, nothing felt safe from conflict and frustration. 

Not that laying in bed miserable and feeling helpless was any better--it definitely wasn't--but that's why I know this is a brain thing.  You can tell yourself the solution, you can know it's there and even have a vague idea how to get there, but there is still some sort of barrier that you can't get past.  I'm pretty sure it's that same issue that causes depressed people to have a hard time moving forward.  It's like you're trapped in a deep chasm and know you have to go up to escape, but each option you try either doesn't work or leads to another obstacle.  So, you're just going in circles, not making progress, and annoyed there isn't a rope or an elevator to make things simpler.  At the same time, you may be missing an obvious escape route, but something blinds you to it.  It is exhausting and annoying and you know you're making things harder, but there just doesn't seem to be a solution in the moment.  As such, nothing was really making me feel any better now that the day was ruined, and I still hadn't picked out dinner.  Have I mentioned that when all of this is going on, my appetite goes to crap?  It's bad enough I can't taste anything so I have a harder time deciding what I'm in the mood for, but when no options sound good?  It sucks.  I tried to ignore all the good wishes on social media since they definitely didn't match my mood (and I felt guilty that I was not having the fabulous day that they were wishing me) and attempted to nap away the rest of the day, but eventually I gave up and decided to force myself to watch TV (you know it's bad when it's forced) to distract myself and hopefully reset my brain.

Craig had brought me flowers earlier in the day after running out on a work errand, but while I moped he and Jacob ran out to Walmart for some pool shock and forced me to come downstairs when they got home.  I came down to a full basket of goodies, plus a lot of alcohol!

The goodies were in part so I could have a new candy dish at my desk (like I do in the office--I think Jacob misses it), and Craig thought I'd like the Italian Ice theme of the wine coolers.  It was all very thoughtful, and it did help.

They also determined that we should watch a movie they knew I'd like--My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which Jacob had never seen.  I told Craig earlier that they should probably just plan on getting their own stuff for dinner, and I decided afterward I'd just get what I wanted from among their choices (since I was decisioned out), so at least that was pretty easily settled.  Let's face it--I'll pretty much never complain about a KFC chicken sandwich and mac and cheese.

After dinner, I ran out and tried to be productive by searching a few stores for new decor for our bathroom.  Since it's getting a hardware upgrade, I felt it was appropriate to do a decor upgrade as well, and I still needed something to go with my Hobby Lobby purchase last week.  I actually had pretty good luck--or at least gave myself a couple options.  And I got to see this cool, moody sunset on the way home.

Back at home, I Facetimed my parents and enjoyed some Friendly's Wattamelon Roll prior to the movie, then settled in to watch.  Jacob wasn't super into it but we tried to point out funny moments to him.  Maybe someday.  It definitely brings back fond memories of when Craig and I were first dating and experiencing some of those awkward moments with our own families.  I remember being so excited when Toula got engaged in the movie, and I had no idea that a few hours later, I'd get engaged, too!

Anyway, the day ended much better than it began, but I'm still pretty bummed about the missed opportunity.  Maybe another day when I can keep my brain on track?  In the meantime, I bought this sign while bathroom shopping, and I think I need to try to make it my mantra as I head into a new year of life:

That doesn't mean I have to be okay with the vengeful sibling rivalry or any of the challenging attitudes or behaviors around here, but clearly the crazy isn't going away anytime soon so I need to find a way to accept its presence and try to make the best of it.  Easier said than done, but maybe a daily reminder will help. 

And so, August once again comes to a close.  I really hate my birthday's placement sometimes, just because it is such a symbolic ending to summer.  It stunk when I was a kid and knew school was coming imminently, but for most of my adult life it's just been a little disappointing to know that summer was ending.  But this year, with it being the last frontier before a historically uncertain fall (and now having become yet another example of unfulfilled potential in this pandemic mess), it just feels a little extra heavy to stare down September.  Early mornings are returning soon, and a whole new set of stresses begins.  I'm trying to stay positive, I swear...but it's getting harder.  Let's hope 42 has some better times in store.  I need them.

Looking Back and Anticipating Ahead

Last week as I was working on my previous post, I did a search within my blog and discovered that some older posts were missing their photos.  The outline of them was there, as were the captions, and they were still visible in the posts' draft version, but the live posts did not show the photos themselves.  I panicked a bit, but found that it was a known issue due to some recent Blogger changes.  I tried one of the recommended fixes and it seemed to work, but that fix is only possible for the next month until the old Blogger editor goes away.  So, I decided I needed to page through my entire blog, all 1,800+ posts, to find any other problems while I could still easily fix them.  I first started from the point where I found the problem (a handful of posts in the summer of 2011) and went all the way back to the beginning, and then went back to 2011 and moved forward.  Fortunately, the remaining problems were minimal, and while I mostly just tried to click through quickly, I definitely got sucked into some reading and remembering here and there.

It was actually pretty emotional for a lot of reasons.  Seeing pictures of Jacob as a baby tends to be a bit bittersweet now.  On one hand I can't believe how grown up he is.  On the other, I think back to those early days and how much I enjoyed motherhood.  Despite many stresses along the way, Jacob was a pretty fun baby and brought us so much joy.  Things started to change between 18 months and his second birthday, maybe because we changed daycares and moved, or maybe because it was just that time to move into the terrible twos.  Either way, things got harder from there.  We still had good times and pleasant memories, but more of them were tinged with stress and frustration over a boy who definitely had a mind of his own.  I read a number of posts around the time of our trip to Atlanta, when I was still relatively early in my pregnancy with Carter.  That trip was amazing, but we definitely had our struggles with a four-year-old who was off his schedule.  I also read a lot of posts from shortly after Jacob's fifth birthday, when the behavior issues really ramped up.  It was heartbreaking to read it all back--partly because it was so hard to live through at the time, and partly because it was hard to look at all Jacob went through knowing now that he was starting to deal with the pain of his Celiac Disease and was managing lots of other stress, and we didn't really understand any of it at the time to be able to help him.  Not that we didn't try even before we took formal steps to figure it out, but I felt terrible reading through it all again knowing we just didn't do enough.  We had a couple really tough autumns--that year and the year after especially--and reading through the many things we dealt with, I hardly know how we made it through.  Only by the grace of God, I suppose.  That second fall and winter brought on a constant barrage.  My dad's heart surgery, Craig's shingles, a steady stream of viruses, Craig's uncle's sudden passing, more illness, losing my job, and even more sickness.  There was repeated pinkeye (me), multiple stomach bugs (all except Craig), rashes (both kids), and eternal colds (Craig and me).  One thing right after another, to the point it was fortunate I lost my job because I didn't have to worry about sick days for a while.  It was shocking reading each subsequent post as things got worse and more unbelievable.  Slowly the dark cloud cleared once my new job started, and I was able to enjoy cute pictures of baby Carter and some adorable videos of his toddler antics.  Those are getting bittersweet as well, since we're dealing with challenging behavior and a screen addiction right now with him.  School starts in two weeks so I'm torn between trying to start easing him out of that now vs. just ripping the band-aid off then and revamping our entire schedule at once.  More on why that's such a challenge in a bit.

But I guess I was caught off-guard by the range of emotions I felt while clicking through and remembering the roller coaster we've been on since this whole parenthood thing began.  I wish that it was a constant stream of happy memories, but there were definitely a lot of tougher ones than I would have liked.  It's easy to second-guess yourself all these years later, but reading back, I know we did what we could at the time.  We made the best decisions we could based on the information available to us, and some worked out better than others.  I should be thankful and relieved that we've made it through all we have, but sadly I'm not really getting that peace out of it.  Maybe it's just because my current mindset isn't really in a great place either.

Lately there has just been this weight hanging over everything.  It's hard to describe.  It's not like I'm hard-core stressing over any one thing.  In fact, I'm doing everything I can with my anxious self to not stress over the things I can't control--like COVID, school, or politics.  Sometimes I feel even more numb than I should--like maybe I should be worrying a bit more so I take proper action, but the urgency isn't quite there, maybe just because of mental fatigue?  But despite not focusing in on any specific stressor, I just feel tired and weighed down.  All this despite getting more sleep for the past five months than I have in years, not having the added stress or time of commutes or strict schedules, and not really having any of the serious worries that others have, like unemployment or facing down the childcare/homeschooling dilemma most people are either already dealing with or will in two weeks.  Not only do I have a job, but it's one I can do from home.  It's also a super understanding one that knows that homeschooling and general interruptions are complications that we just have to deal with and make the best of right now.  I don't have to worry about unexpected child care costs or relying on day care to help my kids with their school work.  Heck, I even have one kid in school all five days, so the sibling rivalry will be one less mess than I had to deal with in the spring.  So many people are facing a ton of unknowns and I'm not...so why do I feel so mentally (and often physically) fatigued?

I've decided that to some degree it must be similar to how microaggressions over time can wear people down.  So even though I'm rested and free of many of my prior daily stresses, the constant lower-level assault of political division, COVID worries, school concerns, sibling rivalry, and screen time overload feels equally exhausting as my previous daily exhaustion used to be.  Part of it is probably that I don't have a "normal" workday, so every day is a bit like Groundhog Day and I don't have the same kind of all-encompassing mental "break" by immersing myself in work for eight hours in a different setting.  I'm dealing with kid stuff all day on top of work, without a change of scenery or even 20 minutes of me time in the car, and I think that's starting to wear on me.  Additionally, without many special events to look forward to, there's so much less to overshadow the bad or the mundane.  Normally we'd have trips and sports and parties to break up the weeks and give us something else to think about on a daily basis.  Instead, we have weeks on end of similar days and very few highlights.  I've done my best to find as many little joys as I can--in my flowers or in little pockets of "me time"--but let's face it, they're not quite the same as travel or quality time with people you care about.  Speaking of which, more little moments:

Amazing donuts - including my Ho-Ho donut with a bite out of it!

The next phase of my favorite zinnia

A new color zinnia!

A new color morning glory!

The best view from my Sunday bike ride to my office, where the Genesee River and Erie Canal meet

Same spot, looking to the left - near the end of a pleasant 10 mile ride!

The evolution of my orange zinnia - could it be more perfect?

The sunset on my way to Wegmans was super red.  The reflection doesn't do it justice.

If you look at the top reflection in the rear view mirror, you can get an idea of how red the sun was.

Twins!

A bunch of zinnias and two morning glories on a lovely morning...so much color!

There's just so much about the months ahead that we don't know about.  The election, virus, school, and work are all giant unknowns.  In the meantime we're still dealing with a steady stream of exhausting political division, still-intense racial tensions (following another unfortunate police brutality incident against a black man, which then led to the murders of two protesters by a 17-year-old gun-toting militia wannabe--all in the city we visited for my cousin's funeral a few years ago), tragedy elsewhere in the country due to a historical hurricane, and a virus that still has the potential to derail many more months of events that, per my point above, could have made all these troubles more tolerable.  There's just so much, and even though I'm not dealing with the worst of any of it, it's enough to cast a dark shadow over daily life.  Add in the kid stuff we manage every day, and there just isn't the mental energy to do it all right--hence the screen time battle we just can't seem to fight right now.

I realized last night that once fall hits in less than four weeks, all four seasons will have been touched by this virus.  We started right at the tail end of winter, although the wintry weather stuck around well beyond its season.  We made it through spring  and the end of school hoping summer would be better.  I guess in many ways it was, but this summer was definitely tainted by our many limitations.  And soon it will be fall.  We may watch pumpkin patches, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas fall victim, and before we know it, we'll have made it through an entire subpar year. 

Earlier today I got to hang out with my co-workers for the first time in 5-1/2 months.  I never would have believed we'd be apart for this long, and it saddened us to think that we might be facing down another six months or more of separation.  Zoom meetings help, but they're just not the same.  It was so great to see them in person, drink some wine, and share stories.  It felt so good to have some normalcy for just a few hours.  I know going back in the office before there's a vaccine will always be a concern (and much like school, won't be nearly as effective as pre-COVID life), but I miss people so much. 

There are so many unknowns, from the practical stuff right down to the mental toll that all of this is taking.  Dealing with so many different stresses at one time, under extraordinary circumstances, is harder than I expected.  I keep hoping that something will change to make things better, but that doesn't appear to be happening any time soon.  So, as I've been saying all along, one day at a time...

A Little Update and a Lot of Flowers

Summer is just speeding right along.  In fact, I feel like there are starting to be signs of fall everywhere--from the hints of red on my burning bushes and a couple changing trees I've spied to cooler weather coming more consistently.  My birthday is in two weeks, and as we all know, it sort of goes downhill from there.  I mean, I love fall--don't get me wrong--but even in a good year the start of school is crazy and the slow-ish descent into cold weather can be a bummer.  This year is a total crap shoot, just because school is going to be weirder and the loss of outside as a frequent change of scenery will be a bummer.  That's not even getting into how things like pumpkin patches and Halloween will be impacted by pandemic rules.  And, quite frankly, I'm a bit terrified about what happens when things need to start being more indoors because I fear that's a huge driver for viral spread.  This fall and winter hold so many unknowns, and while I'm hopeful it's the stretch run before a vaccine becomes available, we don't really know that either.  So one day at a time it is...again.

We still don't really have much going on right now.  Jacob is playing a lot of basketball, usually 2-3 nights of practice or training per week, plus a game on the weekend.  He is once again having some differences with his team (which seems to be a bit of a trend) but I swear he's mostly justified and it's not just him...though a more open mind might be helpful for the rest of the season.  He just seems to keep ending up with coaches that don't like to use real plays and don't know how to best utilize him, along with teammates that don't trust each other and therefore tend to not pass as much as they should.  All of the above gets frustrating for Jacob (and spectators), so it's definitely an exercise in patience.  But it's good for him to be back out playing games, even if only one of us can watch him at a time.

Carter is still a bit of an enigma when it comes to engaging him away from a screen.  I'm very much looking forward to the start of school so we have a little more of a schedule (which he may fight every step of the way, I know).  It should at least help us structure his time a little differently and get him away from constant screens for at least two days per week, without making doing our work impossible.  I can't even fathom what it will be like when Craig and I have the house to ourselves twice a week.  We haven't been alone for more than a couple hours pretty much since March.  I foresee some lunch take-out from gluten-filled restaurants, if nothing else!  Anyway, I'm just hoping Carter's school info comes soon so we can find out more about his teacher from our friend who works at the school and so we can figure out his school supply situation.  I'm just not sure how it will work if supplies are needed in two spots.  Heavy backpacks every day, I guess?

I'm moseying along on the working from home.  I still dislike it, still miss my co-workers, and still feel like I'm not nearly as productive.  I'm convinced--given that August is usually so busy for me and things are a bit slow right now--that I'm missing a ton of projects.  But without being in the office, everything just seems different and I'm probably missing some visual cues.  It's unsettling, but I'm just doing what I can to get a few things done each day.  I keep hoping that one of these weekends I can finally ride my bike to my office (just because I've wanted to for years), pick up a bunch of stuff I originally figured would be OK for the few months (ha) that I'd be gone, and have Craig and the boys pick me (and my bike) up on the way to picking up dinner.  It just kills me we may be out a year or more when all is said and done.  I never would have imagined that could happen, and now we're
almost halfway there with no end in sight.

I missed work a little extra this weekend because I had my annual "birthday" trip to Kohl's.  Sometime in August, Kohl's always sends me a birthday reward, and I always try to line it up with a 30% off coupon so I can make the most of my "free" money.  This year was a little different since there are no fitting rooms available, so the adventure felt a little different because it was more of a guessing game than anything.  As I mentioned in my last post, I tried to go in the evening last week but only scratched the surface on all the racks (clearance and discontinued brands) with the hour I had before they closed at 8pm (darn you, post-COVID hours).  I went to another location on Saturday morning, and hit the jackpot--two long sleeve shirts, one short sleeve shirt, one nicer half sleeve shirt, one blouse, one hoodie, one sweater, one necklace, and one pair of shoes.  All for just over $50, but then I used a gift card from Christmas and paid $1.28.  Ha!  Plus I got $10 Kohl's Cash for this week!  But I really missed work during this trip because the blouse and the shoes will only truly be useful once work is back in the office, or maybe once we start going to church.  But like I mentioned last post, I miss dressing up for work (some days, at least) because it's nice to feel pretty, and just buying those things made me miss it even more.

I'm starting to see more college drop-offs happening in my social media feeds, and normally when college move-in season comes up, I get all nostalgic thinking about my own move-in.  This year is a little different, mostly because I can't stop thinking about how badly it sucks that freshman are having the COVID experience instead.  Some aren't moving in at all because they're staying home for a remote semester.  Some are even taking a gap year.  Others had to move in for two weeks of solo quarantining, which I'm pretty sure would have put me over the edge.  Some are moving in but with directives not to socialize with others, probably all while experiencing some hardcore fear of what might happen if they go to classes in person.  I don't know how I would manage that anxiety and all of those unknowns.  I was terrified enough as it was.  I've alluded to my college experience a few times here, but I'm not sure I ever fully talked about it.  I did not want to go away, so leading up to move-in, I was quite unpleasant and cranky.  I think part of my bad mood started after orientation weekend at the end of June, when my roommate never showed up to our room and I felt totally alone for most of the weekend.  Everyone else seemed to buddy up with their roommate initially, and I had no one to show up to events with, so most of the time I felt like a weird third wheel trying to buddy up with other people.  Going back to my room that night was lonely, and I guess it just convinced me I wouldn't fit in or make friends once I got there for real.  Everything about it was overwhelming and isolating, and I hated it--hence why I think the solo quarantining in particular would have driven me crazy.  I stayed disgruntled for the entire summer, right through the morning I left, through move-in, and pretty much right until my parents left.  I'm pretty sure I barely talked on the ride there, and I was still in "parents are embarrassing" mode so I was full of eye rolls and groans as we figured out the move-in process.  We got my stuff settled in my room, did lunch and book buying, and headed back to my room for goodbyes.  By then Mary had moved in and gone to lunch herself, and I only had a few minutes to sulk and fight off tears after my parents left before she and her parents showed up for their goodbye.  We bonded pretty quickly and found some friends around the dorm and elsewhere, then spent the weekend figuring things out (the campus, our email, dining hall life) and taking a bus trip to the closest mall.  Even just in that first week, we did so much socializing and were so bonded with our group of friends that I felt like I had known them for years.  And pretty much everything about that would never have happened under our current circumstances.  I can't even imagine starting college like that, and it makes me sad.

So, amidst that sort of sadness, I'm finding my joys in the little things, like great Kohl's trips, fun Hobby Lobby purchases, and flowers.  More on the flowers in a second, but I dragged Carter off on a shopping trip with me on Saturday while Craig and Jacob were at basketball.  I had been meaning to drive out to Webster (all the way across the county) for a while, mostly because they have one of the remaining closing Pier 1 locations and because they currently have our only Hobby Lobby (but not for long--there will be one seven minutes from my office soon).  I was on a hunt to find something new for Carter's room (no luck) and something new for our bathroom to spruce it up once we upgrade the sink and shower.  I found a sign that says, "Wash up, buttercup!", which cracked me up.  I still need to find one that says, "Please seat yourself" to complete the slightly silly decor.  I also found a random magnet that says, "Hold on, I need to overthink this," which is perfect for me and will probably end up in my office.  And I honestly couldn't resist a gorgeous blown glass pumpkin to add to my small collection.  I figure the craft show where I usually get them isn't happening this year, and it was a good price anyway.  It made me happy to buy and will make me happy again in about six weeks (!) when I pull the bin out and find it there.

As for the flowers...they are my daily bright spot.  My garden continues to produce, which is fun, though I'm drowning in cucumbers.  I even made some spicy pickles yesterday!  But my flowers are so happy and pretty.  I even had a random late bachelor button show up in a spot where I'd cleared out the spent flowers a couple months ago.  The greenery grew back, and suddenly there was a flower, too!  In another oddity, inside the house, my violet shot up its first flower in probably close to a year.  I have no idea why, although I have been diligent about trying to remove extra leaves in hopes it afforded the plant enough energy to flower.  Maybe it worked?

These Black-Eyed Susans are in my front flower bed and have thrived this year.  They're so cheery.

In the back yard, I finally got my first morning glory!  I planted seeds with my first round of zinnias, and all they did was shoot out a ton of leafy vines that wrapped themselves around anything they could--including each other.  I had given up on ever getting flowers from them, but the other morning I looked out my bedroom window and saw this beauty!

Apparently they just take a long time to bloom.  Sure enough, I had another in the other pot the other day, and I can tell more are coming.  So far they all look to be this color but I'm hoping maybe some other colors will emerge later.  Too bad they only last one morning, but they're pretty while they last!  

This flower was its neighbor.  It's the first little one in these pots that had more than a layer or two of petals.  It's so tiny but perfect.

But the real action is in my front porch planter that I started a bit later.  That one has been a constant source of entertainment, as the zinnias change nearly every day.  It's a multi-day process to open, and it takes a while for the stamens (I assume that's what they are) to emerge, and then they take a while to slowly die off, evolving and changing all the while.  They're amazing.  After a bunch of pink ones, this one really caught my eye.  It's like a ray of sunshine!

This was the first one with lots of petals.  It's stunning.

The red is beautiful, too.

This one had pink petals that faded to pale toward the center.

Over the weekend we had a little grasshopper stop by...

This was the planter this morning.  It's overflowing and still more are coming!

This might be my new favorite--it's the first one with the ruffled edges, and the color is more of a melon-y pink than the other pink ones.

And this orange one is pretty stunning itself.

Otherwise, I'm still wishing we could figure out some sort of end-of-summer adventure, but I don't see it happening.  I think that between trying to find a decent, safe location and worrying about getting COVID through hotel ventilation, it's probably too much of a concern just yet.  It's such a bummer.  I miss traveling and seeing new places.  I really need some things to look forward to in the next few weeks because otherwise things are a little depressing!

Still, we're healthy, we have a comfortable home and two incomes, and really have everything we need.  So I know life is good, even if it's not awesome.  And for now, good has to be good enough.  I'll keep looking for the little things and make the best of the rest.

Homebound Habits

This entire pandemic experience has been bizarre in so many ways.  I feel like we've gone through a lot of mini-phases within this time at home.  There was the homebound, scared to leave, this is temporary phase.  Then it was the distance learning sucks, I'm getting tired of this, but home isn't so bad phase.  Then it was the wear your mask and gain freedom, chill with a book and a beverage, enjoy the outdoors phase.  Now I'm in the work sucks, I want adventure, worried about school phase.  Things have evolved, both as the kids have gone from school to no school, and as I went back and forth between work and furlough.  We have picked up different habits over time, whether due to coping or the change of seasons or new developments.  We've evolved from never leaving the house to now having basketball a few times a week and having a slightly more normal ability to run errands regularly.  We've seen family a handful of times now and gotten out of the house for a couple adventures.  Things have gotten a bit looser around here since school ended so bedtimes and freetime are a bit different than they were before.  We had been spending a lot of time in the pool, but between cooler weather and Fortnite, it's been a bit out of the loop for a week or two.  Everything just evolves and changes as time goes along.  

In our latest phase, I feel like certain side effects are emerging.

The biggest one lately is this pressing desire to improve the house.  We haven't done a ton of work around here over the 10 years we've lived here.  A new storm door, new heat and central air, new pool liner, new carpet and a little paint...but that's about it.  We also bought a new kitchen table set for this house, and the new living room furniture last fall, along with new furniture for Jacob a couple years ago.  But for the most part, improvements have been minimal.  And you know, I didn't realize it until now, but it has taken its toll.  We have a lot of stuff that needs doing now, which isn't a good feeling.  But when you're home all the time, you start noticing flaws a lot more often.  Certain problems get to you more when you encounter them multiple times a day.  It impacts your overall feeling about your house, and over time it weighs on you.  And not to get too deep psychologically, but you can forget you deserve to live in a nice home without that ongoing stress.

I hated staring at our dying trees while I relaxed in the pool, so we got them cut down.  Our kitchen window lost its seal a couple years ago and the daily condensation (rendering the window nearly useless) was making me crazy, so we finally got around to replacing it.  Our driveway was falling apart so we got it patched and sealed.  We're working on upgrading our bathroom fixtures, and the kitchen will come after that.  No, it won't come cheap, but I firmly believe I will be happier about living here when all of these things are done.  Not only do we deserve to have a home that has newer, nicer stuff, but it'll also be nice to leave our stamp on the house so it feels even more like "ours".  We're not do-it-yourselfers, so it's much harder for us, but every little bit helps.

This even carries over to little stuff like when I bought a bunch of concrete stepping stones and river pebbles to fill in some areas around the pool that were either a bit thin or really hard to weedwhack around.  It has bugged me for years but it never really occurred to me that I could solve it for rather cheap.  I also have a plan to buy new bathroom hand towels, because the ones we got when we got married don't look clean anymore.  It's a little thing, but I feel much more put together when things like that are presentable.  I also decided I want to upgrade the bathroom decor because the little homemade paper crafting projects I framed for our old house's purple bathroom just need to be replaced with something cooler.  It's been fifteen years with those--I think it's time!  And maybe someday I'll finally figure out what to hang above our bed.  Those little things make a big difference mentally, especially when you're in the house nearly 24/7.  

Ultimately, I just realized that when you spend so much time at your house, you need to enjoy what's there, inside and out if possible.  Saving money is important but it's also important to value yourself, value your mental state, and make your life more pleasant in more permanent ways.  After 10 years here, it's officially time to reevaluate and make it better for the next 10, whether we're here for all of it or not.  I decided that if we're going to have to do it someday if we were to ever move, we should do it now so at least we get to enjoy it.  I barely got to enjoy the new sink, central air, or front door at our old house, and I'd like to do better here.

Another odd realization is that I'm a now bit too comfortable at home.  You'd think that escaping the house for any reason would be amazing, and sure, when I'm out, it's nice to be alone with my thoughts and not have to listen to the kids bickering or playing some electronic device too loudly.  I like my runs and bike rides, and sometimes even errands, but I'm not liking the escape as much as I expected by this point.  Early on I was desperate to get out to run, because that was really my only escape during a time when errands felt stressful due to all of the new rules.  Now that masking is pretty universal and I have more confidence it's safer to be out, you'd think errands would be more enjoyable.  Yet I still find myself wanting to minimize my trips out and pushing them off.  I have no idea why.  These days I'm just sort of blah on all of it--outdoor activities included.  It all just feels like a lot of effort.  Whether it's gathering up my running stuff, or figuring out which route to ride, or needing to remember my mask and all of the things I need to buy while I'm out, sometimes it just feels like a lot.  I'm sure that's all part of pandemic fatigue, but I figured certain things would feel differently by now. 

I also realized I'm finding every excuse to not drag the kids out with me, since the "shop alone" mantra was pretty big for a while.  I almost feel guilty if I have to bring anyone with me.  Jacob desperately needs uniform pants (Old Navy was not a quick victory this year, sadly), and I keep trying to figure out if it's possible to take care of it without taking him with me (or making multiple trips or shipments for returns).  It's probably safe enough for him to go, but I keep putting it off.  I'm just stuck in solo mode, I guess, probably with a side of "mama bear" to keep the kids protected.  Maybe once school starts and they're going to be exposed constantly, that feeling will fade a bit.

I'm also finding myself burning out on all sorts of sensory inputs.  The kids' running commentary, the constant screaming during Fortnite, the sounds from YouTube on Jacob's phone first thing in the morning, and the NBA2K soundtrack all trigger a little crazy in my brain right now.  Being in the house all day and all night, it's just getting to be a bit much.  Early on, I got super sick of The Simpsons.  I used to love the show, particularly back in college, but watching it day after day back in April when we had Disney + made me nuts, especially because Homer's stupidity caused so many problems, and I think as the would-be Marge who would have to fix it, it didn't feel as funny anymore.  I would constantly leave the room when the boys started watching it.  Same with Jacob's obsession with "Haters Back Off" on Netflix the next month.  And now boys are watching a lot of Scooby-Doo, which I used to love, and while I'm not as big of a fan of the newer versions, I just can't get into any of it right now.  So I spend a lot of time alone, either on the porch or in my bedroom.  I'm not sure what the real issue is, though I do know that there is a psychological condition where the constant presence of noise can trigger a reaction.  Not saying that's what this is, but whatever it is is definitely causing some mental fatigue.  I feel super "un-fun" with my intolerance for almost everything the kids are into, but I don't know how to fix it right now.  All I can figure is that I'm missing my quiet time in the car twice a day, and because the boys are staying up later watching shows or playing Fortnite, the evenings are much less of a sensory break than they used to be.  And instead of the white noise of my office most of the day, I'm dealing with kid noise all day long.  I love them, but I can only take so many Fortnite conversations from Carter or Jacob's obsessions over his basketball team's shortcomings, or YouTube video commentaries from both of them.  I now have about nine extra hours of that every day, so I suppose it's not surprising I'm a bit burned out on it.

I've also noticed weird changes in habits and patterns around the house.  The basement is getting a lot more use, mostly from Craig who does Zoom calls in our former office, works out in the family room, and watches TV down there when Jacob is using the living room TV.  I've spent a lot more time watching TV in my bedroom because of Jacob as well, and he has monopolized the TV so much that we have months-old DVR shows we haven't touched.  Those used to be watched after bedtime, but he usually goes to bed when we do now because he sometimes plays online with friends that late.  As a result of the lack of living room time, I feel like I've barely enjoyed our not-so-new-anymore furniture.  When I am in there, I'm usually relegated to the old La-Z-Boy chair because Jacob monopolizes the couch and Craig and Carter often share the big chair--probably because I don't have as much tolerance for Carter's constant wiggles.  And half the time I'm in the living room, I'm snacking, which I try not to do on the new furniture anyway.  The dining room has also gotten more use in the last five months than it probably ever did in the previous ten years combined, between Carter doing school and me working at my desk.  Our bedroom TV has also seen far more action than it ever has, to the point I'm ready to upgrade it if the opportunity presents, since sometimes I have a hard time seeing details on such a small screen.  I have spent enough time in my bedroom that I revived my college "husband" pillow that makes sitting upright in bed a bit easier.  I have also sat on the porch more often than ever before, both to escape the noise and the slightly-too-cold feel of the central air.  

I feel like I run the dishwasher constantly, and it is a never ending battle to keep the toilet paper and hand soap filled.  Pulling weeds is a constant battle, and I've been shockingly attentive to watering because a daily walk around the yard (usually when I check the mail) is a nice break from my computer screen.  Although the kitchen work seems like it never ends, meal time has been mostly tolerable because I've been good about planning ahead for dinner.  Luckily Craig usually makes Carter's lunch and Jacob has gotten a bit better about making his own, because if I was managing those lunches, too, I think I'd lose my mind.  We have had a few days lately where Jacob's basketball practices and training have gotten in the way of making dinner at a normal time, and I feel that old familiar panic that used to make dinner so hard--finding something to make that fits with our time limitations.  I guess I should be grateful that dinner has been one of the easier elements of this challenging time since we haven't had a lot of time limitations until now.  I will say that trying to keep Jacob stocked on snacks is practically a full-time job (and an expensive one at that).  I think we're hitting that teenage growth spurt.  He had about five snacks the other night alone!

Another thing I've been noticing lately is how much I miss my nice clothes.  I have a whole half of my closet I never touch, plus a bunch of stuff I never even brought out of my seasonal storage because I don't need to get dressed up for the office or church.  I miss my cute summer dresses, my colorful blouses, and my jewelry.  Not that shorts and t-shirts are so bad on a daily basis, but I love that other stuff and miss having reasons to dress up and feel "put together".  It changes your mental state a bit to take it up a notch, which I've only done a few times since all of this started.  I've also barely touched my summer sandals because my flip flops go with all my casual attire and will always win the comfort battle.  In considering the pros and cons of going back to church (as soon as this weekend, if we decide to brave it), the pros column included that it would force better behavior from the kids and that I'd be able to dress up and dig into some of those unused dressy clothes!  It's really gotten that bad.  I just miss having an excuse to look pretty, I guess.  

I went to Kohl's last night because I have a birthday reward to use and a 30% discount this week, and the hour I allocated (because I had to cram it between dinner and their 8pm closing time) was woefully inadequate for the many, many clearance racks.  Not being able to try things on is a challenge, and it only complicated my inner conflict of, "Why do I need more clothes when I don't go anywhere?" and "I am so bored with what I'm wearing right now that I just need anything that could spice it up."  I may not need it currently, but if it looks really good (which I won't know until I buy it), maybe it's an investment in future wardrobe needs at a really good price.  Maybe it's just another symptom of my relative boredom with life right now.  Anything to break up the monotony, I guess.

This has been such a strange time.  It's hard to even describe the massive upheaval of our normal lives, while also having home life itself be oddly normal and even more routine than it used to be.  While it hasn't been entirely awful, it's been oddly stressful in its own unique way.  I guess I'm grateful for the slower pace and different perspectives it's brought about, but I'd give anything to go back to normal life again and not have this odd dark cloud hanging over everything we do.  I hope that someday when things get better, things like going to work, getting ready for school, and going grocery shopping under normal circumstances will feel like a privilege instead of a chore.  Wishful thinking, probably, since we know that stuff can be exhausting even on a good day, but I sure hope we get a chance to try...soon.

News and Notes: How is it August Edition

Seriously, how is it August already?  March, April, and May took forever, and yet June and July went by in an instant.  And of course they're the months you want to last longer.  Summer is flying by, which on one hand hopefully gets us closer to normalcy one of these months, but it also brings us closer to the multiple stresses of school starting.  

In the meantime, I suppose we have enough things to keep us busy.  Today the stump grinder finally came to finish off where we took our trees down.  Of course, it ended up being a way more invasive process than I thought, and now we have a lot of muddy cleanup and repair to do.  Tomorrow we get our kitchen window replaced.  It lost its seal a couple years ago, and some days the condensation makes it hard to see outside of one of the best windows in the house.  Then on Friday the driveway is getting resealed.  In the meantime, we're trying to figure out things with getting our bathroom worked on (along with fixing our water pressure regulator).  I keep dragging my feet, though.  I'm indecisive and trying to find the right sink and faucet is hard!  My next project after that will be the kitchen--new countertops, sink, faucet, paint, window treatments, backsplash, and maybe even a light fixture.  I've been obsessing over paint for the last week.  It will replace almost all of the dated wallpaper, except where the backsplash might go.  All four go nicely with the cabinets, but coordinating with the red in the adjacent dining room is harder.

I don't think this picture quite does them justice, but you get the idea.  The top and bottom ones are close to navy, but the top one is a bit bluer.

The top one is my favorite, the next one down is a bright blue like I've always loved but never had the guts to do, the next is bright but a bit more tame, and the bottom is maybe the best match for the red--but maybe a little less rich than the top one.  It's complicated.  I guess I'll keep these until I figure out the rest, to see if one or the other is better for countertops or tile?

As for the outside, all of my planted stuff is coming along nicely.  This was the first flower to pop out on my porch planter, which was a later addition.  

Now there are two more hot pink ones, plus a bunch more on the way!

This was a pretty new color in my backyard planters...

My garden is thriving--a bunch of cucumbers, handfuls of grape tomatoes, and finally two zucchini!  I can barely keep it all contained with fencing and stakes!  I also found this odd green bean.  I thought it was dying, but then I realized it was white with purple coloring!

When I broke it open, the beans were purple inside!

Magic beans?!

It appears to be an oddball--not sure if the plant kicked out a mutant or the wrong seed ended up in the packet, but it was fun to find!  Nice to have a full supply of produce around--and it made the cucumber salsa I made for a party this past weekend extra easy to decide on!

I also picked this bowl of blackberries from my mess of vines in the backyard!

In other news, my first week back to work was okay.  I got a few things done but it's definitely still hard to focus.  Hard to believe this is my new life for months to come.  I know other people are liking working from home, and it does have its perks, but it is so hard to focus and feel equipped to do everything I need to do.  It's hard.  I had a rough week otherwise due to another political tiff with my dad.  It got a little extreme but we worked it out, thankfully before this past weekend's baby shower for my cousin and his wife, who are expecting their first baby in September.  It was great to see a bunch of my family I haven't seen in months (probably since Christmas?), but gatherings, even outdoor ones, make me nervous.  I got invited to a bridal shower on Craig's side next month, and it's indoors so I'm not sure how I feel about that.  I'll probably go but mask as much as possible, at the risk of looking like a jerk, I suppose.

Of course, Jacob is venturing out into the world a bit himself.  He had his first real basketball game for the first time since March last Saturday.  Only one parent can go, and I was at the shower anyway, so I didn't see it.  He had a bit of a rough first half, and only ended up with three points, but they were pivotal points and helped his team force overtime.  They eventually won, which was great, but Jacob was definitely discouraged that things didn't go so well for him.  I'll be watching him this weekend while Craig goes to our niece and nephew's graduation party.  Let's hope things get easier and he stays safe.

My dad aside, the political stuff is really starting to weigh on me.  Masks are still oppressive to some, although here in Western New York, people seem to be using them and our numbers are staying manageable.  But if you see the complaints on social media it can make you crazy--mostly because we've seen it work here and there really isn't any other option to keep things controlled and since live relatively normal lives.  The school debate is exhausting because there are literally no good options.  An Indiana district had a positive test on the first day of school, apparently because a family didn't keep their previously tested kid home.  Stuff like that is the problem--people normally send kids to school sick as it is, let alone the risk of asymptomatic kids.  And while the relatively low death rate probably shouldn't deter school from starting, there are concerning studies about the percentage of people that end up with long-lasting health issues, and that's the stuff I personally don't want to mess with.  Not to mention quarantining for weeks, because I prefer to do my own shopping and leave the house if needed.  President Trump says ridiculous things on a daily basis, and the stakes are getting high as we get closer to the election.  I know each side thinks the other is disaster, and yet neither candidate is awesome, but I am choosing to hope for a more unified, kinder leader.  Protests continue in many cities, which were made more violent by the involvement of federal authorities, and now reportedly returned to peaceful after their departure (or did they?).  But it's hard to know if the non-peaceful protests were actually by misguided "true" protesters (even if just trying to make an anti-Fed point), or if they were being pushed forward by fringe groups and outsiders looking to make things worse.  Between news and science, it's hard to know what to believe right now because there's a study or new article that supports or refutes every single position.  And generally there's just enough truth in each of them to leave everyone unsure.  I'm just getting so exhausted by the extreme positions some people take, just to disassociate from the other side, and it only makes their side look crazier.  While I am by nature empathetic and tend to understand both sides (at least to some degree), it makes our current society exhausting because there is so much division and negativity that there is nearly no one to agree with fully.  Well, there seems to be a pocket of friends I totally get and agree with, but there is definitely not a candidate or party that matches.  So there are no great options and at this point I just can't get past the president's terrible handling of the pandemic and constant sowing of division.  I don't know how to explain it to my kids when they ask why the president does things like that.  And while the left does no favors to minimize division, we're just at a point where he can't effectively lead, simply because he has completely alienated so many.  A friend of mine made the metaphor the other day that if someone had the best possible plan but wrote it on a piece of paper, tied it to a brick, and threw it at your head, you probably wouldn't be any too eager to open up that piece of paper, read it, or subscribe to what it's saying, just because the means in which it was delivered and the questionable thought process of the person who did it would create a lot of concerns and doubts.  I really think that's where we are, and therefore his usefulness as a leader is almost non-existent.  Could there be good policy in there somewhere?  Sure, but it's pretty hard to see when everything surrounding it seems to indicate otherwise.  I'm just at a loss.

So, when all seems bleak, I'm still just trying to look for the beauty in life.  There was this stunning sunset last week...

On Sunday when I was driving to Wegmans, I was thinking about what a mess things are and how heavy things feel right now.  Driving is one of the few times I have right now where it's quiet and I can think without interruption, so lately that's where I most deeply ponder all that's happening now.  As I turned the corner toward the store, I saw this:

It started as a section, then grew to a half, then full.  If you look closely to the right, you can see a double rainbow above it.

It was so beautiful and the timing was so perfect with how down I was feeling that I just sat there and stared at it for a minute once I parked.  It was also fun to hear people outside catching their first glimpse of it!

As another week moves along, I am still struggling a bit.  I'm tired.  I shouldn't be after sleeping in for over four months, but I think the weight of everything--the pandemic, social struggles, politics, the stuck-in-the-house feeling, the school worries, the struggles with the boys, feeling unmotivated, and missing a "normal" summer of adventures--is all converging and starting to get to me.  Our daily existence is sort of exhausting right now, for the most random of reasons.  The Fortnite obsession in the house is really starting to frustrate me for so many reasons, including the fighting, the screaming, the interruption to normal life (hard to do dinner or bedtime on time when it's the middle of a game), and the way it has taken over all other normal behaviors.  Jacob still plays basketball a couple times a day, but the game tends to take over everything else, and that's how Craig and the boys spend most evenings now.  I should be thankful for the free time, but I'm a bit bothered by the change in habits--I can barely remember what evenings used to be like.  It's been a struggle for so many reasons.  It may just disappear one of these days.  I fantasize about it, in fact!

I'm hoping that some of the house progress will feel productive, and I'm still hoping we can figure out one more adventure before this month is over.  Of course, that's just one more thing to figure out...so let's see if I can add one more and still keep my sanity!