Homebound Habits

This entire pandemic experience has been bizarre in so many ways.  I feel like we've gone through a lot of mini-phases within this time at home.  There was the homebound, scared to leave, this is temporary phase.  Then it was the distance learning sucks, I'm getting tired of this, but home isn't so bad phase.  Then it was the wear your mask and gain freedom, chill with a book and a beverage, enjoy the outdoors phase.  Now I'm in the work sucks, I want adventure, worried about school phase.  Things have evolved, both as the kids have gone from school to no school, and as I went back and forth between work and furlough.  We have picked up different habits over time, whether due to coping or the change of seasons or new developments.  We've evolved from never leaving the house to now having basketball a few times a week and having a slightly more normal ability to run errands regularly.  We've seen family a handful of times now and gotten out of the house for a couple adventures.  Things have gotten a bit looser around here since school ended so bedtimes and freetime are a bit different than they were before.  We had been spending a lot of time in the pool, but between cooler weather and Fortnite, it's been a bit out of the loop for a week or two.  Everything just evolves and changes as time goes along.  

In our latest phase, I feel like certain side effects are emerging.

The biggest one lately is this pressing desire to improve the house.  We haven't done a ton of work around here over the 10 years we've lived here.  A new storm door, new heat and central air, new pool liner, new carpet and a little paint...but that's about it.  We also bought a new kitchen table set for this house, and the new living room furniture last fall, along with new furniture for Jacob a couple years ago.  But for the most part, improvements have been minimal.  And you know, I didn't realize it until now, but it has taken its toll.  We have a lot of stuff that needs doing now, which isn't a good feeling.  But when you're home all the time, you start noticing flaws a lot more often.  Certain problems get to you more when you encounter them multiple times a day.  It impacts your overall feeling about your house, and over time it weighs on you.  And not to get too deep psychologically, but you can forget you deserve to live in a nice home without that ongoing stress.

I hated staring at our dying trees while I relaxed in the pool, so we got them cut down.  Our kitchen window lost its seal a couple years ago and the daily condensation (rendering the window nearly useless) was making me crazy, so we finally got around to replacing it.  Our driveway was falling apart so we got it patched and sealed.  We're working on upgrading our bathroom fixtures, and the kitchen will come after that.  No, it won't come cheap, but I firmly believe I will be happier about living here when all of these things are done.  Not only do we deserve to have a home that has newer, nicer stuff, but it'll also be nice to leave our stamp on the house so it feels even more like "ours".  We're not do-it-yourselfers, so it's much harder for us, but every little bit helps.

This even carries over to little stuff like when I bought a bunch of concrete stepping stones and river pebbles to fill in some areas around the pool that were either a bit thin or really hard to weedwhack around.  It has bugged me for years but it never really occurred to me that I could solve it for rather cheap.  I also have a plan to buy new bathroom hand towels, because the ones we got when we got married don't look clean anymore.  It's a little thing, but I feel much more put together when things like that are presentable.  I also decided I want to upgrade the bathroom decor because the little homemade paper crafting projects I framed for our old house's purple bathroom just need to be replaced with something cooler.  It's been fifteen years with those--I think it's time!  And maybe someday I'll finally figure out what to hang above our bed.  Those little things make a big difference mentally, especially when you're in the house nearly 24/7.  

Ultimately, I just realized that when you spend so much time at your house, you need to enjoy what's there, inside and out if possible.  Saving money is important but it's also important to value yourself, value your mental state, and make your life more pleasant in more permanent ways.  After 10 years here, it's officially time to reevaluate and make it better for the next 10, whether we're here for all of it or not.  I decided that if we're going to have to do it someday if we were to ever move, we should do it now so at least we get to enjoy it.  I barely got to enjoy the new sink, central air, or front door at our old house, and I'd like to do better here.

Another odd realization is that I'm a now bit too comfortable at home.  You'd think that escaping the house for any reason would be amazing, and sure, when I'm out, it's nice to be alone with my thoughts and not have to listen to the kids bickering or playing some electronic device too loudly.  I like my runs and bike rides, and sometimes even errands, but I'm not liking the escape as much as I expected by this point.  Early on I was desperate to get out to run, because that was really my only escape during a time when errands felt stressful due to all of the new rules.  Now that masking is pretty universal and I have more confidence it's safer to be out, you'd think errands would be more enjoyable.  Yet I still find myself wanting to minimize my trips out and pushing them off.  I have no idea why.  These days I'm just sort of blah on all of it--outdoor activities included.  It all just feels like a lot of effort.  Whether it's gathering up my running stuff, or figuring out which route to ride, or needing to remember my mask and all of the things I need to buy while I'm out, sometimes it just feels like a lot.  I'm sure that's all part of pandemic fatigue, but I figured certain things would feel differently by now. 

I also realized I'm finding every excuse to not drag the kids out with me, since the "shop alone" mantra was pretty big for a while.  I almost feel guilty if I have to bring anyone with me.  Jacob desperately needs uniform pants (Old Navy was not a quick victory this year, sadly), and I keep trying to figure out if it's possible to take care of it without taking him with me (or making multiple trips or shipments for returns).  It's probably safe enough for him to go, but I keep putting it off.  I'm just stuck in solo mode, I guess, probably with a side of "mama bear" to keep the kids protected.  Maybe once school starts and they're going to be exposed constantly, that feeling will fade a bit.

I'm also finding myself burning out on all sorts of sensory inputs.  The kids' running commentary, the constant screaming during Fortnite, the sounds from YouTube on Jacob's phone first thing in the morning, and the NBA2K soundtrack all trigger a little crazy in my brain right now.  Being in the house all day and all night, it's just getting to be a bit much.  Early on, I got super sick of The Simpsons.  I used to love the show, particularly back in college, but watching it day after day back in April when we had Disney + made me nuts, especially because Homer's stupidity caused so many problems, and I think as the would-be Marge who would have to fix it, it didn't feel as funny anymore.  I would constantly leave the room when the boys started watching it.  Same with Jacob's obsession with "Haters Back Off" on Netflix the next month.  And now boys are watching a lot of Scooby-Doo, which I used to love, and while I'm not as big of a fan of the newer versions, I just can't get into any of it right now.  So I spend a lot of time alone, either on the porch or in my bedroom.  I'm not sure what the real issue is, though I do know that there is a psychological condition where the constant presence of noise can trigger a reaction.  Not saying that's what this is, but whatever it is is definitely causing some mental fatigue.  I feel super "un-fun" with my intolerance for almost everything the kids are into, but I don't know how to fix it right now.  All I can figure is that I'm missing my quiet time in the car twice a day, and because the boys are staying up later watching shows or playing Fortnite, the evenings are much less of a sensory break than they used to be.  And instead of the white noise of my office most of the day, I'm dealing with kid noise all day long.  I love them, but I can only take so many Fortnite conversations from Carter or Jacob's obsessions over his basketball team's shortcomings, or YouTube video commentaries from both of them.  I now have about nine extra hours of that every day, so I suppose it's not surprising I'm a bit burned out on it.

I've also noticed weird changes in habits and patterns around the house.  The basement is getting a lot more use, mostly from Craig who does Zoom calls in our former office, works out in the family room, and watches TV down there when Jacob is using the living room TV.  I've spent a lot more time watching TV in my bedroom because of Jacob as well, and he has monopolized the TV so much that we have months-old DVR shows we haven't touched.  Those used to be watched after bedtime, but he usually goes to bed when we do now because he sometimes plays online with friends that late.  As a result of the lack of living room time, I feel like I've barely enjoyed our not-so-new-anymore furniture.  When I am in there, I'm usually relegated to the old La-Z-Boy chair because Jacob monopolizes the couch and Craig and Carter often share the big chair--probably because I don't have as much tolerance for Carter's constant wiggles.  And half the time I'm in the living room, I'm snacking, which I try not to do on the new furniture anyway.  The dining room has also gotten more use in the last five months than it probably ever did in the previous ten years combined, between Carter doing school and me working at my desk.  Our bedroom TV has also seen far more action than it ever has, to the point I'm ready to upgrade it if the opportunity presents, since sometimes I have a hard time seeing details on such a small screen.  I have spent enough time in my bedroom that I revived my college "husband" pillow that makes sitting upright in bed a bit easier.  I have also sat on the porch more often than ever before, both to escape the noise and the slightly-too-cold feel of the central air.  

I feel like I run the dishwasher constantly, and it is a never ending battle to keep the toilet paper and hand soap filled.  Pulling weeds is a constant battle, and I've been shockingly attentive to watering because a daily walk around the yard (usually when I check the mail) is a nice break from my computer screen.  Although the kitchen work seems like it never ends, meal time has been mostly tolerable because I've been good about planning ahead for dinner.  Luckily Craig usually makes Carter's lunch and Jacob has gotten a bit better about making his own, because if I was managing those lunches, too, I think I'd lose my mind.  We have had a few days lately where Jacob's basketball practices and training have gotten in the way of making dinner at a normal time, and I feel that old familiar panic that used to make dinner so hard--finding something to make that fits with our time limitations.  I guess I should be grateful that dinner has been one of the easier elements of this challenging time since we haven't had a lot of time limitations until now.  I will say that trying to keep Jacob stocked on snacks is practically a full-time job (and an expensive one at that).  I think we're hitting that teenage growth spurt.  He had about five snacks the other night alone!

Another thing I've been noticing lately is how much I miss my nice clothes.  I have a whole half of my closet I never touch, plus a bunch of stuff I never even brought out of my seasonal storage because I don't need to get dressed up for the office or church.  I miss my cute summer dresses, my colorful blouses, and my jewelry.  Not that shorts and t-shirts are so bad on a daily basis, but I love that other stuff and miss having reasons to dress up and feel "put together".  It changes your mental state a bit to take it up a notch, which I've only done a few times since all of this started.  I've also barely touched my summer sandals because my flip flops go with all my casual attire and will always win the comfort battle.  In considering the pros and cons of going back to church (as soon as this weekend, if we decide to brave it), the pros column included that it would force better behavior from the kids and that I'd be able to dress up and dig into some of those unused dressy clothes!  It's really gotten that bad.  I just miss having an excuse to look pretty, I guess.  

I went to Kohl's last night because I have a birthday reward to use and a 30% discount this week, and the hour I allocated (because I had to cram it between dinner and their 8pm closing time) was woefully inadequate for the many, many clearance racks.  Not being able to try things on is a challenge, and it only complicated my inner conflict of, "Why do I need more clothes when I don't go anywhere?" and "I am so bored with what I'm wearing right now that I just need anything that could spice it up."  I may not need it currently, but if it looks really good (which I won't know until I buy it), maybe it's an investment in future wardrobe needs at a really good price.  Maybe it's just another symptom of my relative boredom with life right now.  Anything to break up the monotony, I guess.

This has been such a strange time.  It's hard to even describe the massive upheaval of our normal lives, while also having home life itself be oddly normal and even more routine than it used to be.  While it hasn't been entirely awful, it's been oddly stressful in its own unique way.  I guess I'm grateful for the slower pace and different perspectives it's brought about, but I'd give anything to go back to normal life again and not have this odd dark cloud hanging over everything we do.  I hope that someday when things get better, things like going to work, getting ready for school, and going grocery shopping under normal circumstances will feel like a privilege instead of a chore.  Wishful thinking, probably, since we know that stuff can be exhausting even on a good day, but I sure hope we get a chance to try...soon.