Things started out really well. On Friday afternoon, I got to see my co-workers in person for the first time in 5-1/2 months. Our boss invited us all over for a socially distanced outdoor happy hour. All but a few made it, and it was truly wonderful to hang out, eat and drink, and catch up in ways that Zoom meetings just don't allow. It was so amazing. And they sang "Happy Birthday" to me and we ate Wegmans Ultimate Chocolate Cake, which was even better. We laughed a ton and bemoaned the fact that this meeting might have to get us through another six months, since we have no return date to the office. But it felt so good to have a few hours to pretend life was normal again.
I'm pretty sure I almost never sat down on Saturday. The morning started out not-so-great, with Jacob plugging up the toilet so badly that even I (with many years of unclogging experience) could not solve it with a plunger or a snake. We're chalking it up to new toilet paper (due to a shortage of our usual stuff), but I still have no idea what made it so epic. After an hour of unsuccessful snaking and plunging, I took out my rage on our bushes outside. I hate trimming them (especially since my finger incident many years ago), but they needed to be done and it wasn't hot yet so I went out and attacked 11 bushes. With the extra adrenaline, it went a lot quicker and less painfully than usual (aside from a gash on my leg that I didn't notice until I was done). And now I shouldn't have to do it again until next spring! I spent a lot of the rest of the day grating vegetables, first zucchini for chocolate zucchini bread (on the heels of cucumber bread that the boys shockingly loved), and then cucumbers to set up cucumber sugar cookie dough for the next day. Throw in some laundry and remaking Carter's bed, along with scrubbing up our bathroom in anticipation of the plumber (not just the one who came to unplug the toilet that afternoon, but also the ones coming Wednesday to bring our bathroom a little further out of the 60s). I also picked up our delicious Red Robin dinner, which we all enjoyed. It was definitely a tiring day, but at least it was a productive one!
Sunday was a little less productive, but I did bake the cucumber cookies, which were a hit!
I also wrapped up Carter's school supply shopping at Target and grocery shopped before making a delicious pork chop meal for dinner. As I was waiting for dinner to finish cooking, I started prepping my next project, salt and vinegar cucumber chips. Unfortunately, my thumb had a little run-in with the mandoline, so I was a bit gimpy wrapping up dinner and starting the chips. I guess that was the beginning of the downturn, since my thumb hurt and the chips took way longer than the time multiple recipes stated. Recipes said not to cut them so thin that they're see through, so I went with my mandoline's next size up, but apparently that equaled about two extra hours. The extra time kept me up a little late before I finally gave up, turned off the oven, and vowed to turn it back on first thing this morning. Which I did, and in the end they turned out decent--odd but addictive. My thumb is a little ugly, but healing.
The problem was, in the middle of all this busyness, I was repeatedly trying to decide how I wanted to spend my birthday day off, and what I wanted to do for dinner. And I never did come to a decision, which I knew would be a problem. Remember Mother's Day? Apparently this is a thing for me now. It happened periodically before COVID, but the predictability of it seems to be getting frustratingly easier the longer this "new normal" goes. I'm really starting to think that my brain goes into some sort of overload when I have a decision to make that doesn't have any stand-out options that I can work through and rationalize. When I just can't come to a decision based on pros and cons or other inputs, it just short circuits and shuts down. I think COVID has made it worse because everything is just harder anyway, and our options have been extra limited, so when I finally have an opportunity to think outside the box, everything that's out there is just too much. It's the same reason I usually just shop clearance racks, or panic when I get a chance to eat a gluten meal without Jacob. The options just overwhelm me because I don't usually even consider a huge portion of them under normal circumstances, and then I put an unnecessary amount of pressure on myself to take advantage. This time it wasn't just my dinner selection to decide, but also our activity for the day. I wanted to take advantage of my day off and get a nice change of scenery because we still spend way too much time in this house, but after considering a dozen scenarios, none of them were working out. Some were too far away, or involved a longer hike or activity I knew the kids wouldn't appreciate. Some had COVID limitations that made them less desirable (if I'm going to do it I want the full experience). Some were too expensive, and others just felt like more work than they were worth. Stumped, I at least headed outside to water my plants before things got too busy.
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| The zinnias are still going crazy! But I guess even they're not enough these days... |
Then I did the dishes my thumb kept me from last night, Craig had a morning meeting, and I was torn between taking a bike ride and just getting ready, because I didn't want a bike ride limiting how much time we might have later in the day to do something. But by then the analysis paralysis was really taking over, and while I managed to get showered and dressed and eat lunch, very shortly after it was clear we just weren't going to make anything work (and no, mini golf just wasn't going to cut it this time). After listening to another round of the kids fighting and yet another rant by Jacob about Carter, I stormed off to my room and proceeded to spend the next many hours there, miserable. I was angry with myself for sabotaging my own day. I was mad at the kids for being more eager to play Fortnite than do something out in the world that I wanted to do. I was mad at our current pandemic circumstances for making everything hard. I felt guilty about being upset about all of it because I know I'm blessed with so much good in my life. I think ultimately my brain is really craving a true escape--a complete change of scenery and routine--but that just isn't working out right now. Safety is a concern, money is a consideration, and time really isn't cooperating. So in comparison to that, nothing seems sufficient. But even the smaller adventures should have been better than nothing, but I didn't just want to wing it and end up with bored, cranky, fighting kids or a lack of suitable food options that would make things even harder. I think everything just needs to be a "path of least resistance" right now, but without time to plan and figure things out today, nothing felt safe from conflict and frustration.
Not that laying in bed miserable and feeling helpless was any better--it definitely wasn't--but that's why I know this is a brain thing. You can tell yourself the solution, you can know it's there and even have a vague idea how to get there, but there is still some sort of barrier that you can't get past. I'm pretty sure it's that same issue that causes depressed people to have a hard time moving forward. It's like you're trapped in a deep chasm and know you have to go up to escape, but each option you try either doesn't work or leads to another obstacle. So, you're just going in circles, not making progress, and annoyed there isn't a rope or an elevator to make things simpler. At the same time, you may be missing an obvious escape route, but something blinds you to it. It is exhausting and annoying and you know you're making things harder, but there just doesn't seem to be a solution in the moment. As such, nothing was really making me feel any better now that the day was ruined, and I still hadn't picked out dinner. Have I mentioned that when all of this is going on, my appetite goes to crap? It's bad enough I can't taste anything so I have a harder time deciding what I'm in the mood for, but when no options sound good? It sucks. I tried to ignore all the good wishes on social media since they definitely didn't match my mood (and I felt guilty that I was not having the fabulous day that they were wishing me) and attempted to nap away the rest of the day, but eventually I gave up and decided to force myself to watch TV (you know it's bad when it's forced) to distract myself and hopefully reset my brain.
Craig had brought me flowers earlier in the day after running out on a work errand, but while I moped he and Jacob ran out to Walmart for some pool shock and forced me to come downstairs when they got home. I came down to a full basket of goodies, plus a lot of alcohol!
The goodies were in part so I could have a new candy dish at my desk (like I do in the office--I think Jacob misses it), and Craig thought I'd like the Italian Ice theme of the wine coolers. It was all very thoughtful, and it did help.
After dinner, I ran out and tried to be productive by searching a few stores for new decor for our bathroom. Since it's getting a hardware upgrade, I felt it was appropriate to do a decor upgrade as well, and I still needed something to go with my Hobby Lobby purchase last week. I actually had pretty good luck--or at least gave myself a couple options. And I got to see this cool, moody sunset on the way home.
Back at home, I Facetimed my parents and enjoyed some Friendly's Wattamelon Roll prior to the movie, then settled in to watch. Jacob wasn't super into it but we tried to point out funny moments to him. Maybe someday. It definitely brings back fond memories of when Craig and I were first dating and experiencing some of those awkward moments with our own families. I remember being so excited when Toula got engaged in the movie, and I had no idea that a few hours later, I'd get engaged, too!
Anyway, the day ended much better than it began, but I'm still pretty bummed about the missed opportunity. Maybe another day when I can keep my brain on track? In the meantime, I bought this sign while bathroom shopping, and I think I need to try to make it my mantra as I head into a new year of life:
That doesn't mean I have to be okay with the vengeful sibling rivalry or any of the challenging attitudes or behaviors around here, but clearly the crazy isn't going away anytime soon so I need to find a way to accept its presence and try to make the best of it. Easier said than done, but maybe a daily reminder will help.
And so, August once again comes to a close. I really hate my birthday's placement sometimes, just because it is such a symbolic ending to summer. It stunk when I was a kid and knew school was coming imminently, but for most of my adult life it's just been a little disappointing to know that summer was ending. But this year, with it being the last frontier before a historically uncertain fall (and now having become yet another example of unfulfilled potential in this pandemic mess), it just feels a little extra heavy to stare down September. Early mornings are returning soon, and a whole new set of stresses begins. I'm trying to stay positive, I swear...but it's getting harder. Let's hope 42 has some better times in store. I need them.
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