The Verdict

Last night, after waiting for word all day, I found out what one part of the next few months of my life look like.  I will have five weeks of furlough scattered through the next three months.  My first week is in two weeks, then I'll be back for three, off for one, back for one, off for two, back for two, and then off for one.  That takes us to the end of July, at which time it looks like I'll be back to work on a normal schedule because we'll be ramping things up for the start of our year.  Of course, all of this is reliant on this virus cooling its jets by then.  There's no telling what happens if we have another wave, so let's just focus on now, shall we?

While it's a bit of a bummer, particularly because I'm not sure what to think about being on the higher end of the number of weeks (it sounded like our department's range was one to six weeks), not all the news is bad.  Almost everyone from our building is impacted in some way, and in our department, they chose to spread it out as much as they could to minimize the impact to any single person, which was both expected and perfectly fine with me.  All of my weeks fall within the range for federal unemployment, in addition to state, which actually seems to put me at or above what I'd make normally.  I don't know how that all shakes out with taxes or considering I'll still be paying for parking and my health insurance premium for both on and off weeks, but all things considered it could be a lot worse financially.  Of course, that's assuming I can get on unemployment promptly, which has not been the case for countless numbers of people.  I'm hoping that by the time I apply in a couple weeks, most of the logjam and bugs will have been cleared out and it'll be smooth sailing.

I get to keep my health insurance, which is huge, since that was the second thing that freaked me out (after my co-workers' stress levels) when I lost my job five years ago.  I'll also continue to earn vacation, which is good even I'm not using it right now, but it could also lead to a bit of a glut at the end of the year with what I'm allowed to carry over.  Because I'm not fully furloughed, I can also still access my email throughout.  They can't ask me to do any work while I'm off, but realistically I'll probably check in a couple times each week to make sure I'm not missing anything or leaving anyone hanging.  I'm sure there will be backups in place but sometimes you just need to get that stuff taken care of so you don't set yourself up for a bigger mess down the road.  Even during my maternity leaves, I told my colleagues that if there was something I could take care of in minutes that would otherwise take them significantly longer, please contact me because I'd rather save them the agony they would be experiencing due to my absence.  It only happened once, I think, and I was happy to help as a friend.  Since they legally can't share schedules, it will be a little bit of a mess trying to figure out who to contact when, but I guess we'll figure it out.

Since the money isn't a specific concern at this point, I'm just trying to look at this as forced vacation.  I'll get two weeks off while Carter is still in school, which means I can dedicate those weeks to helping him, which I would have liked to do more of since this started.  I'm figuring we might be able to pick a "field trip" or two, do some fun educational stuff, and just try to spice things up from our survival mode bare minimum tasks right now.  One of the weeks I'm off I probably would have taken significant time off anyway, because it's 4th of July week and our one slow week before the books close.  Otherwise, I have off Jacob's birthday week, not that I'll have a party to plan, but at least I'll have options.  The rest of the time will probably just force me to take vacation I always think I should take but never do.  I always worry about getting too far behind at work, or about spending too much money on trips or staycation activities, but then when the kids are back in school in the fall, I always feel bad we didn't do more.  The good news is this will essentially force me to take that time, but the bad news is that activities, travel, and money will all be on the limited side.  Overall, the weeks are decently spread out, which is good for balancing keeping things moving and mental health breaks.  And I still get to work our big Day of Giving plus the important weeks surrounding it, so that was a relief, as well.  I've had to deal with extended time off before, and I actually mostly enjoyed my unemployment five years ago, aside from the stress of finding a job before my severance ran out.  It's rare to get time for yourself--even if this round involves the constant presence of the entire household and the inability to incorporate much activity away from the house--so I'm going to try to appreciate it while it lasts.

The only downside to all of this currently is that it leaves a lot of unknowns for the kids' summer plans.  Usually now would be the time to register for summer camps, but camps don't even know if they'll be able to operate.  Jacob's camp has to wait until late May to make a decision, and that could cause them to lose the counselors they had previously hired, if they choose to find more secure plans.  If that happens, they won't have as many slots available.  Beyond that, I don't know how I'll feel sending either kid off to camp where social distancing will be difficult, since the virus will still be out there.  Based on my furlough schedule and Craig working from home indefinitely due to renovations at his office, we probably wouldn't need any camp until August anyway.  But if we're not clear on our plans until then, will we even have any options left when the time comes?  Then again, maybe we will since everyone's work schedules and income are thrown off and more kids than usual will be home.  On the other hand, the thought of letting them continue these months of unlimited screen time and unstructured time scares me a bit.  Yes, they'll have basketball and the pool to get them outside, but the screens are too tempting, especially for Carter.  I know neither of us has the energy to constantly keep them on a real schedule or deal with the constant complaining when screens aren't an option, so forced structure outside the house might be welcome by then.  But then again...the cost savings would be nice.  Camps cost thousands over those summer weeks, so I won't mind recouping at least some of that.  I'm still hoping that there will be an extension for using the money that was taken out of my paycheck pre-tax for child care, so I don't lose any of it.  If not, I think stopped my withdrawals soon enough that I might be okay if the afterschool program picks up as usual in the fall, but it will cut it close.  Regardless, I'd hate for the kids to not get those social experiences and field trips all summer, but for one summer I think it'll be okay.  Either they'll think it was the best thing ever to have a free summer, or they'll be really ready to go back to some sort of camp next year.  Sadly, this is probably Jacob's last eligible summer for his camp, so he might have free summers from here on out--excluding basketball camp weeks, of course!  Anyway, there's so much in limbo with these issues right now that this is probably what's making me more crazy than anything else.

Even though I've been assured that this has nothing to do with my contributions or value to the organization--to the contrary, they over-emphasized the opposite through this process--I'm still struggling a bit.  Almost everyone is dealing with this, so I know it's not personal.  But then I wonder how my time compares to others, and whether it indicates I'm considered less essential to the team.  Maybe I should just be grateful for my five weeks off, because given the lesser financial burden, maybe I'd be annoyed if other people got more of a break than me.  Who knows?  I am trying not to let these last two weeks feel lame duck-ish, because truly they're not, but it feels weird.  I keep trying to tell myself that it's like preparing to go on vacation, but for some reason I can't make it feel that way yet.  Add in that everything legally has to be sort of secretive, and it just feels awkward around the team.  Our group chat was almost non-existent today, and I wonder if everyone was down, or felt odd not talking about it, or if it was just a randomly quiet day.  It's like this big elephant in the room that we can do nothing about, but due to my personality, I'm left wondering if it's bothering me more than other people.  I'll even out eventually, but this week, it's bugging me.

I'm glad I can plan ahead now, and I'm looking forward to a little time off, even if it's not in the way I'd normally prefer.  There are still so many unknowns, though, so it's just one small piece of a big, complicated puzzle.  I guess I just have to hope for better weather and enthusiastic children so we can make the most of it.

Hope Lost

Today seemed like an ordinary day.  But by late morning, one simple post in my work chat deflated my spirit.  School buildings will officially be closed for the rest of the academic year.  The governor announced it during his daily press conference.  Not that we had much hope that schools would reopen, but the loss of that hope is pretty soul-destroying.  Jacob's school year would have been done in about a month, leaving only about two possible weeks after the previous deadline, so I figured he was done.  And honestly, I'm less worried about him.  He's doing his work mostly on his own (except for a day here or there where it becomes everyone's problem) and seems to be learning new things.  But for Carter, who's still in the midst of learning really foundational stuff, it stinks to be essentially stuck in review mode.  They're not doing a lot of new learning aside from solidifying whatever skills they had already been working on, though maybe that will change a bit now.  But the thought of him not being back in a classroom setting until at least September (and who knows what even that might look like?) is distressing, because he struggles with home learning.

It's not that he's a complete disaster, by any means, but suffice it to say that school is a far better setting for him.  First, he had such a sweet, supportive teacher.  She saved Jacob's entire school experience, and while Carter tended to complain about her more than I expected, I think deep down he liked her.  I hate him missing time with her, because I think she's been good for him.  If nothing else, he went from behind in reading to right on target.  In fact, the other day when he had his first video reading session, he did amazing on his sight words--meaning he officially knew more of them now than he did when he was in school.  He also did very well on the book he read her.  That was comforting given all of the battles we have over his school, because clearly something is sinking in.  Math seems fine, too--as long as he takes his time.  But writing may be the bane of our entire existence right now.  He hates it.  He only has to write two sentences per day, and it is a battle every step of the way.  He doesn't know what to write, he doesn't know how to spell much beyond the basics, and his handwriting is all over the place.  He's not staying in the lines, he doesn't capitalize or space properly, and trying to work him through spelling (or really anything) inevitably leads to him wanting to quit.  No matter how simple or how gentle the guidance, he overreacts and storms off.  Or he gets frustrated and takes his paper somewhere else, only to get distracted and lead us into another battle to get him back on task.  Even though I know he's not the most enthusiastic student in school, I know he doesn't routinely have tantrums with his teacher, so it sucks that we have to deal with it.  And now, any hope I had for one last month of real learning is gone, and this is our semi-permanent reality--not just a stopgap for a couple months, but the solution for a full third of the school year.  And now I feel like there's more pressure to find a way to keep him on track through the summer so things don't get any worse.  But how?

Being out of school nearly six months was once unfathomable.  Now here we are.  Worldwide kids have missed significant school, so how do you even begin to catch all of these kids up?  When the teachers can barely teach what they need to in a year, how do you fit in a bunch of catch-up, too?  And if we're struggling this much, I can't imagine what this looks like in households where parents are busy working outside the home all day, where English isn't the first language, where there are health challenges, or where parents just don't care.  How can those kids ever catch up?  And that's barely even scraping the surface when you start thinking about special education students or other special needs kids who aren't getting the services they need.  Those parents must be completely overwhelmed.

Despite the challenges, I suppose I still come out of this feeling lucky.  We don't have kids in big milestone years.  If this happened last year, Carter would have missed out on the end of Kindergarten and Jacob would have missed out on the end of his beloved elementary school years, including his moving up ceremony.  If this was next year, Carter would miss out on his fun moving up ceremony to his new school and our farewell to his current school would be cut sadly short.  And for those high school and college seniors who are missing out on things like prom, in-person graduations, study abroad opportunities, and all of those amazing "lasts", this has to be devastating.  My prom weekend changed my life in so many ways.  After dreaming about prom for years, I had an amazing night and weekend away with my friends, and I got my first real boyfriend.  It was practically a storybook weekend--I don't think I could have written it better.  And to think I could have missed all of that...ugh.  And if you would have taken away the end of my college experience, I have no idea where my life would have ended up.  The loss of my last months in the dorm with my friends would have been bad enough, but what might have happened if my internship (which led to my job and eventually my marriage) would have been stopped short as well?  It's mind boggling to think of how things might have turned out differently.  

On top of the school stress, I had to sit through an office-wide Zoom meeting today to hear more about possible furlough situations coming up.  Initially the University indicated they would avoid furloughs.  But this has seemingly gone on longer than expected, and last week it came out that the medical center would be starting furloughs.  This week, news came through that the rest of the University needed a 20% salary reduction, so it would be impacting our office as well.  We found out today that they're trying to spread the burden as widely but thinly as they can throughout the organization, so it sounds like nearly everyone will be impacted, but to a lesser degree.  My guess is that we will have partial rolling furloughs, which might mean a week on and a week off.  Unemployment may fill the gaps in between, but given all the problems people have had with the system, I don't look forward to digging into that.  I'm trying not to be too anxious about it, but that probably won't stop me from freaking out early next week when we should find out more.

Part of my struggle with this is that it's bringing back memories of my layoff five years ago.  Even though I was the only person who did certain tasks (or knew how to do them), I was let go.  Clearly the decision-makers didn't seem to care how that might impact clients or colleagues, so I feel history repeating itself as there may be people making decisions about my job without knowing how it could impact what we do as a team.  Not that I'm not expendable (pretty much no one is in a case like this), but my boss is already overloaded (and has a lot of personal stuff to deal with as well) and I worry about the data load on her...not to mention how I'd fare without her if the roles were reversed for a time.  We also have a really big giving day coming up and the thought of being without any of our team is somewhat daunting.  So that was a bit of a blow this week, but I just keep hoping that whatever time I have off I can use to the fullest with the kids, rather than spending all day every day sitting at my computer like I do now.

Beyond  that, I'm starting to worry about making decisions for the kids for summer.  How can we even know what's going to be available, let alone what's going to be safe?  Usually deposits are due around now, but how on earth can we plan anything without knowing what our work situations might look like?  Craig can work from home since his office is under renovation, but who knows how long that might last?  And staffing might be an issue with Jacob's camp since they'll be making decisions so late, so spots might be limited.  Ugh.

I also keep coming back to the fact that we won't have a vaccine for a year and we'll inevitably have to reopen at some point before it's truly safe.  Yet areas that have begun to reopen are seeing new infections.  Heck, even areas that technically aren't reopened (like Buffalo) are seeing rising hospitalization rates again.  I feel confused because all of the untested but presumed cases and now antibody tests indicate more people have been infected than numbers show, and therefore the death rate in healthy adults could be really low--like, around the flu.  But all these deaths have been in a much shorter time than flu season, and these figures are happening despite significant social distancing.  We can't deny that hospitals have seen unprecedented surges and deaths, medical workers are overwhelmed, and this illness is extremely difficult to treat.  So if it's really not much worse than the flu (spoiler: it is), then how is it so bad in some areas?  Areas that aren't bad can thank social distancing for the fact they're not in dire straits like others, but that's still not really a free pass to open up.  Add in increased travel in reopened areas that will bring infections elsewhere, and we're right back to where we were.  It's a mess and it seems like there is no good solution.  And don't give me that, "Just because it's open, it doesn't mean you have to go out," because people subconsciously take their cues from the government and once businesses reopen people won't have the choice to stay on unemployment.  So people will go out and things will get worse.  It's all worrisome and I wonder when we'll ever get back to normal.

For all these reasons I try to stick to one day at a time, but it's getting harder.  For now I just need to focus on having a nice weekend, and leave next week's worries for next week.  God knows there's enough of them.

Absurdities of our Current Reality

I've said it dozens of times that this entire experience is surreal.  That we've been living like this for a month and a half is sort of hard to believe in and of itself.  But here we are.  The curve is flattening but it's not really flat enough.  I've decided that while the goal was to not overwhelm hospitals, which seems to have worked, all these weeks later it's become much clearer than it was when we started that this illness can kill anyone without reason.  Originally we were told that it only killed old people or those with pre-existing conditions.  But now there have been enough healthy younger adults and a handful of kids, and it's leaving those it doesn't kill with a lot of problems--loss of taste and smell, breathing issues, long-lasting fevers, even a case of paralysis.  I know the deaths and the major complications are still pretty rare statistically--particularly when you consider all of the untested cases plus a higher-than-expected return on antibody testing--but it's concerning.  I'd feel terrible if I went back out into the world or sent my kids back to school and any of us got exposed.  I know people keep comparing it to the flu--and some statistics do bring it much closer to flu proportions--and yet we don't shut down during flu season.  But I guess maybe we never thought to do it.  Maybe we should to save tens of thousands of lives every year, but realistically we can't do this every year.  Conversely, shutting down for this seemed like a short term thing--a couple weeks, maybe a month or two--and then back to normal, just like China seemed to do, but it's clear that's not happening here, at least not in the way we planned.  Whether that's for good reason, overkill, or media hype, who knows.  But all I know is that it doesn't appear normalcy will be around for a long time, at least not in New York.  Other parts of the U.S. are starting to open, some against good reason, and I guess we'll see how they do.  But at the same time, Germany canceled Oktoberfest (so sad--I'll miss my webcams), some colleges are talking about remote learning through the fall semester, and fall sports at all levels are currently on the bubble.  So who do you believe?

But anyway, things are starting to feel a little crazy around here.  Well, crazier than usual.  For example:

• I'm letting Jacob (and for a short time Carter) play Fortnite - I hate Fortnite, and really any game that uses guns.  Up until now we'd mostly avoided it, but a lot of Jacob's friends play it and he's pretty much dying for any social interaction he can get.  So he gets to play.  We let Carter play it for a day but realized he somehow ended up talking to random people so that ended pretty quickly.  I find the game super weird and it seems a little too easy for him to get wrapped up in it, so I'm not happy about it, but I guess this is one battle I'm not choosing.
• We got Netflix - We had made it so long without streaming services since cable seemed to be working out just fine, but once this started I knew we needed another diversion and we'd have plenty of time at home to get our money's worth.  Craig brought up getting a free trial of Disney+ and I said I'd be on board to keep it for a month or so.  We did, and I pretty much now hate The Simpsons because it was all anyone was watching and I've lost my sense of humor where Homer is concerned (he's just so dumb and ruins everything, over and over again, and I find myself thinking Marge is just a tad too forgiving).  Then I decided maybe we could get Netflix for a while because they have new Shaun the Sheep episodes and I've been dying to see Fuller House for a while.  It's quite a bit more expensive (two devices), but for now I think we're getting our money's worth.  Adding to the absurdity, I'm actually considering whether we should watch Tiger King, just to feel a tiny bit relevant.  But I think that will piss me off, too.  But I am LOVING Fuller House, one season in!  Nothing like an old-school-style cheesy sitcom to make you happy.
• I am far too excited for our mask deliveries - New York instituted universal masking last week and while I have tried homemade ones (including my extra absurd underwear one), I was irrationally excited when Craig's and mine came in on Friday.  The new one was so much more comfortable for my Wegmans run today.  We even have kids ones coming, but those might be a wait...not that they're going anywhere right now anyway.
• The weather has been terrible - As mild as our winter was, spring has been pretty awful.  We had a couple decent weeks, where it wasn't warm but you could function outside most days, but lately it has been awful.  We had many days in a row with some form of frozen precipitation, and while it didn't stick for long, it was still cold enough to be making that precipitation all day.  Then we had a couple days of wind, which has been a pretty common occurrence over the last six weeks and drives my anxiety up significantly every time.  I guess I just keep waiting for parts of the house to give up every time I hear random noises.  This week's wind wasn't enough to put the hoop away, but I was nervous about it for a solid 48 hours.  The cold, snow, wind, and rain have been making it hard for the kids to do much outside, which means a free-for-all on screen time, and I'm ready to have running as a more frequent option for me.  It's just so disheartening.  Today was forecasted to be nice, in the 50s and sunny, and I was irrationally excited for it.  We had a virtual 5K/fun walk for the childhood cancer organization that Craig has supported through the Knighthawks, and not only did I run over a three miles for the first time since June, I ran 3.5!  It was a bit slow, but it felt pretty good.  Unfortunately, it looks like we're still stuck a solid 10 degrees below average for the foreseeable future.  It's soul-sucking right now since we have so little else to look forward to.
• I have put a sign on my toilet seat - The boys were getting really lazy about lifting up the seat to pee, and therefore I was either wasting extra toilet paper (gasp!) to wipe the seat every time I had to pee (and since I drink about 40 oz. of water during my work day, that's a bunch) or sitting in a mess if I forgot to look.  It was driving me so nuts that I printed out a little rhyming sign and taped it on the top seat.  It's been much better since, and it was essential to maintaining my sanity every couple hours.
• We're resorting to candy to maintain order here - We had a really tough day on Thursday, with super whiny kids (due to school work) and a lot of battling.  It culminated in Carter stabbing Jacob in the arm with a pencil after Jacob was "joking around" with him about his hair looking white (from the sun, I guess?).  Jacob thinks he's joking but Carter is so tired of being put down and bullied that he takes nothing as a joke, which leads to all sorts of misery and fighting.  Craig and I almost couldn't wait for our 3pm therapy, where we determined that taking away electronics probably isn't feasible right now unless we want to listen to hours of boredom claims and risk even more sibling battles just because they're bored and crave stimulation.  No thanks.  So providing access to coveted snacks (and taking it away) and offering up instant gratification rewards seems to be where we're stuck right now.  We'll see how it works, but it seems ridiculous.
• I'm getting 1-2 extra hours of sleep most nights but I am seriously wiped out - I have no idea how I'd be functioning if I still had to get up at 6am, because my 7:30 alarm and 8:00 or 8:30 out of bed time (depending on my shower day) is still leaving me tired.  And no, I'm not staying up crazy late.  It's not necessarily a physical tiredness, although some days I wouldn't mind taking an afternoon nap instead of working.  It seems to be a mental exhaustion, where bringing myself to get out of a chair or go do a task or deal with the dishes for the third time in a day is tiring.  My work is currently pretty monotonous and boring, which doesn't help.  I know I can be more productive but it's just hard to focus.
• I felt like quitting work yesterday - I had a couple disappointing decisions not work in my favor at work yesterday and I spiraled quickly.  I'm extremely frustrated that I just seem stuck in a weird spot at work, and with no promotion or raise in sight, I'm starting to question things.  I know that's mostly just COVID craziness talking because most of the time I'm well-suited to my job, but I feel like any sort of recognition is based on forcing improvements to a program that seems nearly impossible to improve.  All while managing my other programs and doing data for someone who is technically a step above me despite not having the analytical or Excel skills her position actually should necessitate.  Sigh.  Ultimately my brain just can't get in proper work mode at home and it's starting to get frustrating.
• I feel like we're starting to settle too much into new habits - Now that we've been at this for six weeks, I feel like we're forming some new habits that will be hard to break even once this is over, which is weird.  I feel like I'm going to have a lot of trouble busting out of the extreme introvert state I'm in right now.  Before, I was a homebody that longed to have more of a social life that didn't revolve around my kids, but now I feel like I'm just a little too comfy with my evening habits of diamond painting, Netflix, a workout every other night, and some extra TV after the kids are in bed.  I know Carter is going to have a hard time giving up his extra screen time.  I think we're probably all taking for granted the extra down time and time together (when things are going well, at least).  Sleeping in and lazy weekends will be tough to give up.  As much as I'm wishing for adventures and clothes shopping and stress-free Wegmans trips, I feel like I'm getting a case of Stockholm Syndrome every time I appreciate the slower pace and lack of pressure to be doing things.
•  The best thing I bought on my trip to Wegmans - I bought a lot of chocolate and got almost everything else on my list, but the best thing I got today was this:

I hadn't been able to find it anywhere, and yet there it was!  I can make wipes with this when ours run out!

Let's see...what else has been happening?  Carter has been doing more online school stuff for the last couple weeks.  He has a class meeting on Mondays and will now be doing a reading lesson alone with his teacher once a week.  This is him on his first meeting with his class, and you can see the smirk on his face seeing his friends and teacher for the first time.

His teacher is an absolute saint dealing with those kids on calls.  They are crazy and random!

We started playing a new game last week, called Chicken Foot.  I bought a set of dominoes because I had extra money to spend at Kohl's and thought they might come in handy for Carter's math games.  It never hurts to have another family game to try right now, either.  This one is actually pretty simple and we had fun playing...until Carter was losing by too much and then it got a little ugly, but it really wasn't a tough game to pick up.  Craig and Carter also tried setting them up to knock them down in fancy ways, but they only had mixed success...so far.

Carter got a growing octopus in his Easter basket, and we let it soak for over a week.  This was the finished result...

...which then attacked Dad...

This is the comparison between the original packaging and the finished product...

It really got a bit creepy after a while, almost like a giant spider or something.

I got a pleasant surprise on Thursday when my dad's cousin's wife, who lives in our town, messaged me.  She had mentioned when I posted my Polish Easter eggs on Facebook that she had a couple she'd love to give me.  They were venturing out on Thursday and she wanted to drop them off.  I picked these up off my doorknob around lunch...

They're both pretty but I was very excited about the pink one since that's one of the few colors I didn't have.  This week I moved them out of a bowl with Easter grass into my random IKEA LED-lit vase that I got super cheap on clearance years ago.  My Easter stuff is put away but I can't help but leave these out a bit longer with the spring stuff.  I just love them so much.

The last Easter decor to come down was the outside eggs today, since it was the first day warm enough to do it without my fingers freezing off.  Lots of unwrapping strings after all the wind, and working around leaf and flower buds.  Our pear tree is just about to flower, but of course we have a couple more cold, rainy days ahead so it might need to wait.

So, I guess we're managing but some days more than others I feel like I'm cracking up a bit.  I don't do well with limbo and this is pretty much limbo for months on end.  If I take it one day at a time, I'm better.  But part of me needs to look long-term and then it gets hard.  At the very least, I just hope this ends before my relationship with my kids implodes completely.  Too many hours in a day, too many fights to yell at them for, and too many school days to slog through are just not treating us well.  I think we all just need a change of scenery.  Soon.

One Month

Thursday marked one month of work and school at home.  We also got a couple extra weeks added on to our self-isolation that day, making for at least another month of this.  I won't say it's not needed--but it's getting tiring nonetheless. 

Carter's a handful, Jacob is bored, and Craig and I are just exhausted trying to manage them.  I've realized more and more this week that while I don't miss the hustle and bustle of daily life, I do miss the ease of things like shopping at will, seeing friends and family, and not considering it a health risk to go out in public.  It just weighs on me that all of the "normal" things of life that we took for granted are still so far out of our reach.  I truly hope that when we finally get back to regular life (whatever that might look like) that I can appreciate the stuff that used to drive me nuts--the early mornings, the long commute, the busy evenings.  All of that stuff, while exhausting, is what makes up an active life.  You can't have one without the other.  And I do miss the connections that an active life brings, from work and church to the basketball court. 

While I can't say we're making the most of our time together because we have a lot of stressors getting in the way, there is a part of me that appreciates the fact I get to be physically with Craig and the kids more often than normal.  Normally I only have a handful of hours physically in their presence, and right now it's a full-on 12+ hours a day.  Ironically, we operate much better with less time, but I'm trying to appreciate the midday conversations and hugs that wouldn't be happening otherwise.  I appreciate the flexibility of this life, as well, with laundry and dishes during the day, pulling out dinner meat on the same day, and working out at lunch if the weather cooperates.  But I am terribly concerned about the learning and social interaction that the kids are missing out on, and I know I'm not as productive with work and I'm risking sinking deeper into introvert life than I was before--and let's face it, outside of the kids' activities, I had nearly no social life outside of workdays and one night a week at church. 

I'm sad that so many people are suffering, be it financially, emotionally, or due to workplace stress.  This is terribly isolating even with constant social media validation that everyone is doing this and struggling themselves.  But for people who put themselves at risk for their work, who aren't getting a paycheck, or who have serious mental struggles under normal circumstances, my heart just breaks because there is no end in sight.  I'm worried because we're running out of disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, and they're still nowhere to be found.  Masks are now mandatory in New York and it's hard to find them anywhere. I'm worried about things finally opening up and more people getting sick--maybe even us.  I'm worried for us because Craig's job is based on an industry that looks to be one of the last to rebound.  There are so many unknowns and I hate living in limbo. 

I realized this week that now that Easter is over, we're essentially out of things to look forward to.  Even Memorial Day might not be that exciting because we can't go anywhere or do anything, and the kids still may not be back to school to truly enjoy the weekend off.  I guess we can look forward to the better weather ahead, but it's still not looking imminent, which is depressing.  We've had snow multiple days over the last week and while it hasn't stuck, it's still been really cold.  It doesn't look like it will improve until at least later this coming week, and even then it's just a bit better, and still below average.  And once it's nicer, where should we go to enjoy it?  Based on last year I loved Highland Park, but that will no doubt be too busy with other people looking for things to do.  Playgrounds are off limits.  Nature hikes aren't received well.  So where can we go that won't be super busy and the kids won't be complaining they're bored?  I have no idea.  What's the point of the better weather aside from the kids playing outside and me getting to go for runs?  Spring and summer are so short and I already see us missing out on the best of it. 

Oddly, at a time when we're hunkering down deeper, other parts of the country are starting to open up.  I think most of it is premature, but I guess we won't know that for a couple more weeks, once all these people run out into the world and the virus starts spreading again.  I understand the need to get the economy moving and help people get their jobs back.  I'm happy for kids who might get real school time and adults who might get to see friends and co-workers.  But I am concerned that they never really got to their curve and will now.  Living in New York, even though our area never saw the degree of infection that New York City did, it's easy to see the impact.  But for areas who socially distanced quickly enough, they may not understand the impact of knowing sick people themselves or hearing stories from friends or front-line workers.  I can see them being extra eager since it seems like it isn't impacting them.  It remains to be seen if it will. 

As I said, New York is still closed for another month, minimum.  We've definitely flattened the curve for now, which is great, but I still find myself hesitant to go out.  Everyone in New York has to wear masks now, which is a pain since they're hard to find but comforting since everyone is trying to protect themselves.  We have some masks on order but in the meantime I have a few shoddily crafted homemade ones (including one from gently used boxer briefs that were in the donate pile--Craig got too skinny for them after limited use, so the fabric was in great shape--and yes, it was clean!  It's all I had and it was mandatory starting yesterday, so what can you do?).  But it's still scary to go out and have to wipe down groceries and wash down after reading mail or opening a delivery.  It's just different.  And I think that's the hard part mentally right now--life was pretty typical seemingly forever, and now it's just different in so many ways.  No school, working from home, so many businesses closed, new rules everywhere you look.  Tonight I drove to pick up some food, and it was my first time out of our town in probably a month.  I drove by our local hospital and my stomach flipped to see the testing tents outside for the first time.  Gas is down below $2 a few towns away.  Shopping plazas are nearly abandoned.  It's creepy and weird and apocalyptic.  But it's comforting that so many people are trying to do their part...until I drive by Wegmans, Lowe's, Target, or Walmart and realize everyone is there.  Sigh. 

Some days it seems like a lot of things could get back to normal in a month or two.  But then I realize how many other things will actually be messed up for the foreseeable future.  When will Jacob's basketball start?  If it does, will we even be able to watch?  Will we feel comfortable traveling?  For Craig, when will the Knighthawks get to play again?  Will school get back in session before it's supposed to be over?  Will they go back in the fall, or will we be having another outbreak?  It just seems like endless unknowns.  That part is hard.

At the same time, I'm trying to appreciate the random good things happening now: extra free time, lower expectations, less personal maintenance, more sleep, fun viral videos from bored people, excuses to spice up life with extra snacks or new games, positive stories about creative connecting or extraordinary support.  If you look hard enough, the good is there.  And if it all ended tomorrow, I'd probably be a little sad about things left undone and the end of a quieter phase of life (because sometimes it isn't so bad).  But at the same time I still desperately want to go back to a somewhat more normal life, like where grocery shopping doesn't give me anxiety and I see real people other than the three other people living in this house. 

We're hanging in there, but literally taking it one day at a time.  That's the only way to manage without being overwhelmed.  So many more things are swirling through my head, but I guess this is enough for now.  To whoever is reading this, I wish you continued health and sanity, as well.

Easter in Isolation

Years ago when the kids were little, I used to wonder what it might be like to spend Christmas in our own home.  It was such a crazy rush to wrap up work, pack, and figure out how to cram our immediate family Christmas into the larger extended family Christmas schedule.  It was a lot, and sometimes I just wanted to stay home and chill.  But family always won out, and now that we've made our own traditions and figured out our groove, it's all good.  I wouldn't have it any other way, because family is the most important.  We know that our current family structure won't last forever, so we need to enjoy it while we can.

I'm sure I had those same "stay at home" thoughts about Easter as well, wishing we could lazily have an egg hunt in our living room and go to our own church without rushing off to the next stop.  But as a whole our Easter traditions have been inconsistent, and that's actually okay.  Usually Good Friday is a constant--church with my parents (always a lovely service and sometimes a walk-through experience as well) and a traditional-ish German prunes and noodles dinner with my Dad's side of the family.  Depending on Craig's schedule, sometimes we come home on Saturday and do church and egg hunting at home on Sunday before heading to see Craig's family in Buffalo, and sometimes we stay in Buffalo and Craig meets us for church (and church breakfast) with my parents and an egg/basket hunt at their house before we spend the rest of the day with Craig's family.  In either case, we eat our body weight in amazing food and the kids enjoy an egg hunt with their cousins.  Both options are actually perfectly acceptable and yet none are so overwhelmingly awesome that they would be deemed "can't miss" (unlike Christmas, which is why our structure is pretty set there), so it works out well that some years we get one option and some years we get the other.

This year we got the option we never wanted...or maybe the one we wondered about but never cared enough to try--we were stuck at home.  No extended family, no awesome food, no traveling, no in-person church.  Is it even really Easter if none of those things happen?  Well, of course it is, but we were definitely going to have to make our own fun.

I'll admit I felt a bit mopey all week knowing that my favorite weekend of the year wasn't going to happen as usual.  Of course, the cruddy weather wasn't helping it feel like spring, one kid was on spring break and one wasn't (thanks to the governor canceling spring break for public schools), and everything just felt off.  Nonetheless, I tried to appreciate my favorite Easter decoration, even though there was no Broadway Market trip to add to this display:

On Friday, Carter was nice enough to do his school work without incident, Jacob got to do his socially distanced basketball practice, and I slogged through work until 5pm when I could start Good Friday dinner, our own version of prunes and noodles.  Since no one here would eat the prunes (stewed plums), and it wasn't worth getting a whole can for the small drizzle of juice I usually use, we opted to stick with gluten-free pasta (instead of traditional egg noodles), croutons (homemade), and butter and parmesan (which is what the younger generation has opted to use in recent years). 

It may not look like much, but the kids like it and actually request it at other times of the year.  I had a glass of wine just like I would have, and even made some Fruity Pebbles treats since my family Good Friday dinner usually has quite the selection of desserts.  I followed that up with online Good Friday church while I worked on my diamond painting.  I'd actually done that all week, listening to Pastor Larry's rundown of Holy Week scriptures--comparing and contrasting the accounts of the Last Supper and Jesus' arrest in each of the Gospels--for a half hour each night.  It was a nice way to chill out and focus myself on the week and days to come. 

On Saturday we managed to get our eggs done.  Notice the Minecraft creeper, the Kobe Bryant tribute (#8 is on the back), the basketball, and the red and purple Raptors' egg.  The yellow happy face is actually one that came out of the Instant Pot cracked, and was therefore dubbed Humpty Dumpty.  He'll be first in line for egg salad!

Saturday night was highlighted by a cousin Zoom meeting.  It was a bit chaotic, but it was fun to reconnect with all of my cousins, their spouses, and my brother and his kids.  I missed being able to spend time with most of them on Good Friday, so it was pretty cool that everyone was able to attend since none of us seem to have much going on right now (although one cousin was actually at his locked-down work).  It was a fun set of conversations and it was good to catch up.

On Sunday morning, we opted to do a Tim Horton's run just so we had a special breakfast.  I had picked up some gluten-free donut holes on my last Wegmans run, just in case, since Carter had been begging for donuts lately and Jacob needed his option.  Timmy's worked out well since everyone could also get a beverage of choice, in addition to our donuts.  I also made some scrambled eggs so it felt a bit more substantial. 

Afterward the boys looked for their baskets (too easy on both counts...darn it)...

Mostly just money and a bunch of candy

A Fortnite figure, an octopus that grows in water, a Treasure X figure (to go with what he got for Christmas), a little money and a bunch of candy

Then the egg hunt was on.  I color coded them (solids for Carter, two-colored for Jacob) and hid both in the same spots.  I did it that way last year and figured it would keep them even and help with teamwork.  They got through the first 10 eggs pretty quickly, but then started needing hints to find the last five or six.  My favorite spot was a pair of magnetic tile pyramids I built that sort of blended in with Carter's fort and each contained an egg.  Even with no competition, it still managed to turn into a contact sport...

After egg hunting we watched church on TV and then there was some outside time and lunch.  Then the boys had more time outside in the 60+ degree weather while I worked on my diamond painting and listened to my parents' church's service for a little bonus Easter time.  I did manage to get to the 3/4 mark of my painting today.  One more strip to go!

After that we attempted to go for a family run, but Craig and Carter had to stop running pretty quickly and Jacob sort of hung with me with a combination of running and walking until we made it around 1.25 miles back home.  I then went out for another mile and a half on my own, since the weather was perfect.  Well, mid-60s and a little bit of sun, so pleasant, at least.  That's our reward for 65+ mph gusts tomorrow...ugh.  I did some minor yardwork while Jacob shot baskets, then came in to start making some dinner.

I had a pre-sliced quarter ham, and opted to do smashed potatoes and roasted carrots and asparagus.  I was hoping Carter might like the crispiness of the roasted potatoes (since he hates baked, mashed, and roasted), but no, he still gagged.  Even though he likes carrots, he wasn't really a fan of the roasted ones so he ate raw ones instead.  Jacob didn't love the roasted ones either, but ate them, and Craig, who doesn't like raw carrots at all, liked them as well as the asparagus.  Can't win 'em all, but you have to try sometimes.  It wasn't our usual Polish feast, but it was fine under the circumstances.  At least we could finish off with cake! 

It was a lemon cake that I've had from Aldi for a while, and the decorations were leftover giant sprinkles from Carter's 1st birthday.  Hey, they still seem ok :)  Everyone seemed to like that, which is why I wasn't too worried about dinner being hit or miss!  Plus the kids had been eating candy all day, so I think their calories are at least covered!

Beyond that it was a pretty low-key day.  We FaceTimed with my parents, watched a movie, and hung out.  Tomorrow Jacob has one final day off and Carter starts a new learning program, which includes Monday video chats with his class and a more specific set of learning tasks.  It'll be interesting to see how it works out--easier because it's all laid out for us, but I think there's a bit more to do, so keeping him on task might be challenging.  The thought of school being like this for the rest of the year makes me crazy (probably even more so for the kids whose parents can't or won't give them the help they need, considering how much we struggle with two parents who are trying).  Jacob is chugging along when he's not on break, but I'm sure he's missing the friend interaction a lot.  And basketball is still such a loss for him, and that's getting taken out on us when he's lacking willing shooting partners at home.  This whole thing is such a mess, and even though it appears the curve is flattening and hospitalizations are slowing, this is still going to be a long haul before nearly anything is considered safe.  It's so hard, even though by all accounts we're fine.  We're healthy, we're still getting paid, we're making the best of it, but we miss our life in a lot of different ways and the frustration shows at the worst times.  I'm sure there are things we'll look back on fondly and someday wish we could be back at this slower pace, but losing your freedom and fearing being in public is quite the mental challenge some days.  

Regardless, we survived our homebound, isolated Easter.  Technology helped to maintain some connections, and thank goodness I planned ahead while shopping when I did.  It didn't turn out too bad in the end, but I won't lie--I am really looking forward to next year.  Easter still happened because Jesus still rose from the dead, but so much of this holiday is about family and it's just not the same without each crazy, awesome group we spend it with.  Until next year...

Another Week...Still Hard...

Here we are...another week.  Our fourth of home life, believe it or not.  Jacob is on spring break, Carter is not (and of course Jacob won't let Carter forget it).  Work is still chugging along for Craig and me, though his regular season is canceled and there's a mere sliver of hope they could be part of some sort of playoff scenario if things resolve sooner than later.  But the way I see it, things won't be changing much for a while.  It struck me as I sat at my allergy shot today that by my next appointment in mid-May, likely the only thing that will be markedly different is that the view out the window will include leaves on the trees.  Kids will probably still be out of school, I'll still be at home, and basically anything fun for the foreseeable future has been canceled.  Most summer festivals are done, and at this point I don't even have high hopes for school or travel basketball.

The thing is, even if this virus shrinks considerably in the next few weeks, it's still going to be out there.  Once restrictions are lifted, there will be two types of people--those who run out into freedom and do all the things...until they, too, get COVID-19 and realize maybe it was a bit premature; and there will those who will very carefully tip-toe out into the world, hesitant to shed their new-ish germaphobe tendencies too soon.  Every time I think about something that I'd like to do in the months ahead--basketball tournaments, school events, family parties--I cringe a little bit and wonder if it will be worth the risk.  At some point hopefully we will replenish our hand sanitizer and disinfecting wipes and get some masks for extra security, which may make things a bit easier, but will we feel comfortable staying in hotels?  Sitting in movie theaters?  Eating out?  Will society keep in place some of the extra social distancing things like red lines and sneeze guards in checkout lines long after this peaks?  Will this be the death of handshakes and hugs?  What will our world look like when this is over, or almost over?  Things may not be normal until a vaccine is approved (at least a year) or until reliable medicines have been tested to treat it when a bad case hits.  Lacking either of those things, the world will be scary for a while.

I'm really struggling this week.  My work focus is garbage, and Carter and I are battling badly over his school work.  He is putting up a fight about everything.  I try to have him do his writing and he either comes up with a ridiculous response to the teacher's writing prompt, or he refuses to write if I try to make him spell the words on his own or look them up.  He'll always pick the one school activity no one is available to help him with, then balks at the lower-maintenance suggestion in the interim.  He constantly runs off with his tablet and hides away in his room if he senses the slightest opportunity for escape.  On top of that, Jacob is ticked off because Carter now likes baseball better than basketball, and yet he wants Carter to play with him.  Never mind that he constantly critiques Carter's game, inadvertently hurts him when they play, and brags when he wins.  He's annoyed that Craig is spending time playing with Carter (even though baseball is nearly impossible to do alone) and gets extra mad that Carter is spending so much time with electronics because he somehow feels like it's his personal mission to not let him turn into a loser.  For some odd reason Jacob has it in his head that he should be a sort of parental figure, but only in the negative sense.  He wants to discipline him and critique him and control him, which does not go well, because when Craig and I are already trying to manage Carter's behavior, nothing is worse than adding Jacob to the mix and having it feel like we're ganging up on him.  He even said in our last therapy session that he felt it was his responsibility to ensure Carter wasn't "soft", so he definitely uses the "tough love" type of mentality with him, which has essentially turned into constant, overbearing bullying.  As I type Jacob is bemoaning letting Carter win a game today (finally) because he thinks Carter will hold it over his head forever.  What he doesn't get is that maybe if he let him win a bit more, Carter wouldn't be so averse to defeat that he just avoids the possibility all together.

All of it is exhausting to deal with on a daily basis, particularly when it's nearly impossible to escape the house.  We determined while talking to the new therapist the first time that one of the things we're pretty good at is spending time together when we have a set mission.  If we're going to do something fun like go to an arcade or get good food, we do pretty well.  If we're traveling, we've gotten into a decent groove where we are mostly functional outside of the confines of a hotel room.  But being home all the time?  It's hard.  Movie nights might end up OK, but picking a movie is torture.  If I have to see another episode of The Simpsons after this is over, I will probably have minor PTSD upon hearing the theme song.  I've been doing decently with cooking dinners, but we've had some hardcore arguments over Carter's vegetable consumption.  The battle over electronics vs. outside time vs. toys is exhausting when you have 12 hours to fill with those options every single day.  I'm tired of cleaning crumbs off the counter, dried milk off the table, and pee off the toilet seat...all day, every day.  It's just too much togetherness.

The bright spots are currently pretty few and far between.  From my position, anyway.  The kids will either look back at this time and remember all the school they missed, the extra outside time, and lots of Minecraft, TV, and NBA 2K, or they will remember the screaming mom and the lack of any interesting activities like basketball or traveling.  There will be things I miss about this time--the lack of pressure to do things, the sleeping in, the slower pace--but I am struggling with a lot.  This week in particular is hard.  Last year during Holy Week we went to Buffalo a day early and did the Broadway Market and science museum before hitting up my childhood playground on a warm evening.  We did the usual Good Friday stuff with family.  We had a nice Easter partly at home and partly with Craig's family.  This year it's up to me to manufacture the fun and up to technology if we want family time.  Easter is one of my absolute favorite times of year (if not my favorite, usually helped along by decent weather and signs of spring), and this year all of that will be missed.  I'm sad about it--the family, the food, and the fun that we should have had.  And I'm just not sure I have it in me to do it justice from home.

We've had a few little bright spots, though.  Last week Carter's school (and Jacob's old school) did a car parade.  We got to see all of the teachers and staff drive by.  It was nice to see, but it was sad, too, because all of those people love the kids so much and this whole thing could keep them apart for the rest of the year.  It's just not fair that the teachers and students aren't getting these months to appreciate each other and make the most of this one short year together.

Selfie while we waited

The cops led the parade, which passed just around the corner

We had a couple really pleasant weather days earlier this week, and I went out for a lunch time run on the second day.  It was perfect outside and much needed during a tough week.  When I got back I ventured into the yard to see how the foliage was shaping up.  My new hydrangea looks a bit worse for wear and I think something ate my strawberry plants, but the vinca in the way back is looking lovely.

The forsythias were coming a bit slower, but I found one happy little branch peeking out!

This week Carter's teacher asked the kids to make letters in any sort of creative way for a thank you message for medical workers, and with a little encouragement Carter did a great job getting these together.

The finished product came out tonight and turned out so cute!

As I mentioned, earlier today I had my allergy shot...or two, rather, since I started a new vial of serum.  I had my temperature checked as I stepped off the elevator, then was quickly checked in from a distance and ushered to a private exam room.  I got two shots a half hour apart and had to wait the full hour to make sure I didn't react.  I took this picture from my vantage point.  The empty parking lots, particularly at the mall, were pretty stunning.  The few cars nearby were either getting takeout food or at a mechanic shop or pet store.  The busiest stretch of road in the county was looking pretty quiet, although when I left it was still busy enough to prevent me from making a right on red.  Apparently everyone has been going to Target, as that parking lot looked pretty jammed.  Stay home, people.

So, just a couple days left in this week, and then Easter will be upon us.  And then it's just the great nothingness until the cases drop and the world starts to reopen.  Maybe.  At least the weather might get better by then.  But this definitely wasn't the spring I was hoping for.

Documenting History and Surviving It, Too

I've been trying to write this post for nearly a week.  I can't seem to finish it, partly because I always think there are more things I wanted to say but keep forgetting, or I just get tired, or I'm burned out on all of this stuff, or my battery dies.  The virus overwhelms a lot of life right now and yet I don't feel like I'm really capturing the essence of what this experience is really like.  I want to try to record as much as I can because I know we're sort of making history right now and I want to try to remember what it was like for years down the road when we wonder just how we made it through such a bizarre time in history.  I probably sound a little repetitive, though, but to say life is a little monotonous right now would be putting it mildly.

I keep finding myself coming back here to blog because it's one of my few mental escapes right now.  I'm stuck in this house 98% of the time, only leaving for supply runs or actual runs (on the one day every couple weeks when the weather is reasonable).  I'm working for most of the day, dealing with the kids for most of the day, and cramming into the evening what I can--some diamond painting, some TV, random household tasks--before I'm exhausted and head to bed.  There's a constant stream of noise in the house, be it from the boys fighting, Jacob's video games or music choices (which he has no courtesy about), TV shows, or one conference call or another.  As a result, I'm barely getting any time alone with my own thoughts.  I guess in some ways that's good, since thinking too deeply about this stuff could get really depressing really quickly.  So much has changed, so many people are suffering, and our current reality was unthinkable a couple months ago.  We'd have never dreamed of our kids being out of school for at least a month.  We couldn't imagine a society where eat-in restaurants were illegal or the entire mall would remain closed for weeks.  Item limits and severe product shortages were only something from Communist or Socialist economies.  Being afraid to leave our own house was unthinkable.  Yet here we are.  All of the above is now our new normal.  As trapped as I feel sometimes, I dread leaving the house for fear that in a few days I'll start feeling cruddy.  I walk through stores trying to hold my breath and maintain safe social distancing from other shoppers (unsuccessfully on both counts, I'm afraid).  Life has a very specific set of worries right now, and most of them make my old day-to-day worries seem pretty trivial.  And yet I know we're really doing pretty okay compared to countless others.

Even still, I feel like I'm doing this wrong.  Everyone is talking about enjoying this unique time of family togetherness, but we're struggling.  Before this, I'd gotten pretty good at weeding through the typical social media competitiveness, where you'd see others' happy family moments and know their life was probably not as perfect as it looked.  I could tell myself that it wasn't telling the whole story and that--as in our house--happy family posts might just be drawing out the one normal happy moment of the day or the week.  But now I'm struggling with feelings of inadequacy again.  Even though the deluge of memes makes it pretty clear many are struggling and just trying to find humor in the mess, I still look at other families enjoying their time together and making the most of the togetherness while we're over here fighting almost non-stop.  We can't enjoy this time because we can't seem to get the boys to get along, which makes Craig and me agitated.  We try to do a movie night and someone doesn't like the choice.  We do family game night and a loser gets mad.  The boys try to play Minecraft together and one breaks the rules and attacks the other.  Same goes with basketball--someone takes the game a little too far and someone else quits.  The constant state of noise is agitating, and inevitably someone is unhappy about something (probably most often me at this point).  We just can't seem to make it work.  Other families may come out of this time secure in their love for each other, and I fear we will come out of it stressed, exhausted, and completely sick of each other.

I'm also seeing others' accounts of the homeschooling situation in their house, and some are totally rocking it.  And then I look at us and wonder what kind of educational mess our kids might be by the time this is all over.  Jacob seems to be doing the absolute minimum of his online learning, but at least he's doing most of it on his own.  Carter struggles through his assignments.  He seems to be doing his reading okay, and might even like it sometimes (not that he'd admit it).  Math seems to be pretty simple for him most of the time, but those assignments have less clear direction so it's hard to know if they're sufficient.  Writing is almost always a struggle for him, not just to express himself, but to get it down on paper.  Neatness is not his forte, and neither is spelling.  Then, because he was endlessly begging for the tablet and doing too much mindless stuff each day, I had to add another activity for him, just to force him to get a bit more creative with his learning opportunities.  I had grand plans of him taking advantage of all the great online content right now, or finding new ways to play with his toys, and yet he's doing whatever random option he can just to get it done.  And now, the school district has upped the quantity of work to include more subjects, so I have no idea how we're going to get through it.  With me working a full day and Craig working through calls and projects periodically throughout the day, it's hard to keep him on task and engaged without spoon-feeding.  In a perfect world I'd like to be engaging both kids to do better (especially Carter) but I'm so busy with work that it's hard to focus on anything else.  And by the weekend my best intentions give way to exhaustion, so there isn't much quality time on the weekends either.  So when I see other parents with creative ideas, fun crafts, and diligently working children, I feel bad that my kids are missing out on better quality learning during this time...or quality time with me, for that matter.  But truth be told, they may not even embrace it the way some kids would.  Carter just isn't impressed by anything.  So what can you do?

We're definitely more into survival mode than I'd like.  We're just trying to get through school and work, attempt some physical activity (outside if possible), and keep the screen time to a minimum (although what's considered "minimum" has changed significantly in the last few weeks).  Screentime has never really been too limited in this house, but I'm finding it extra challenging now to find a balance between Carter's wishes, his mental and physical health, and our sanity.  I know Carter is addicted to screens, and I know it's terrible for him.  But if we want any quiet time without him bugging us to play or the boys fighting, it has to happen.  It's also what he usually requests once he gets three of his five school tasks done, and if we want any chance of motivating him to continue, it has to be the carrot we dangle.  Jacob is also staring at his school computer, his phone, or the TV (for a Simpsons episode or his Xbox games) most of the day.  But now that he's outgrown toys and refuses to get other hobbies, I'm not sure what choice we have.  

I've found myself struggling more than ever this week.  I think the newness has worn off and reality is setting in.  So much bad news and no end in sight has begun to weigh on me.  Work is exhausting me, I'm dreading the prospect of homeschooling for months (and worrying about the learning that definitely won't happen), struggling with the fear of going out, and the family burnout is overtaking me.  I didn't even want to do a fun Zoom meeting with my co-workers today because I was just so spent.  You'd think this is an introvert's dream, but with the constant noise and presence of everyone in this house, the thought of interacting with other people--even for something fun--exhausted me.  I can barely motivate myself to do stuff around the house, either.  I'm trying like heck to keep the kitchen clean and cook meals at home, but it took me a week to get Jacob's school transportation paperwork scanned.  I'm still working at a snail's pace to get our taxes together, and other projects have just been put off until the weekend because I can't bear to do anything else in the evening.  At least I'm usually getting in 3-4 workouts per week, but they're probably needed to offset the snacking.  All of the worries just seem to be a constant weight on my chest right now, and I can already feel the anxiety ramping up about going to Wegmans tomorrow.

With Easter coming up next weekend, I think a little depression is setting in knowing it won't be the usual fun holiday.  I love Easter weekend so much, from the church time and fun family gathering on Good Friday with my family to the amazing food and family time with Craig's family on Sunday.  This year won't feature a visit to the Broadway Market, or my parents' church Easter breakfast, or any church at all, for that matter.  Well, we'll do it online, but it's not quite the same.  I'm trying to think up ways to make our homebound Easter special, but my sadness is challenging me.  To make matters worse, the governor canceled spring break, so I don't even get a break this week from the burden of homeschooling.  Jacob's break is still intact (yay private school), but I'm sure it'll go over like a lead balloon when Carter is stuck doing work and Jacob isn't (and of course Jacob won't stop talking about it).  

I know I should be thankful that we're both still working and bringing in full salaries.  We're not on the front lines, our health concerns are mostly minimal, and we have enough food and a comfortable place to live.  I know we're blessed.  But I'm still struggling.  If only it really were as simple as laying on the couch to save the world...