Another Week...Still Hard...

Here we are...another week.  Our fourth of home life, believe it or not.  Jacob is on spring break, Carter is not (and of course Jacob won't let Carter forget it).  Work is still chugging along for Craig and me, though his regular season is canceled and there's a mere sliver of hope they could be part of some sort of playoff scenario if things resolve sooner than later.  But the way I see it, things won't be changing much for a while.  It struck me as I sat at my allergy shot today that by my next appointment in mid-May, likely the only thing that will be markedly different is that the view out the window will include leaves on the trees.  Kids will probably still be out of school, I'll still be at home, and basically anything fun for the foreseeable future has been canceled.  Most summer festivals are done, and at this point I don't even have high hopes for school or travel basketball.

The thing is, even if this virus shrinks considerably in the next few weeks, it's still going to be out there.  Once restrictions are lifted, there will be two types of people--those who run out into freedom and do all the things...until they, too, get COVID-19 and realize maybe it was a bit premature; and there will those who will very carefully tip-toe out into the world, hesitant to shed their new-ish germaphobe tendencies too soon.  Every time I think about something that I'd like to do in the months ahead--basketball tournaments, school events, family parties--I cringe a little bit and wonder if it will be worth the risk.  At some point hopefully we will replenish our hand sanitizer and disinfecting wipes and get some masks for extra security, which may make things a bit easier, but will we feel comfortable staying in hotels?  Sitting in movie theaters?  Eating out?  Will society keep in place some of the extra social distancing things like red lines and sneeze guards in checkout lines long after this peaks?  Will this be the death of handshakes and hugs?  What will our world look like when this is over, or almost over?  Things may not be normal until a vaccine is approved (at least a year) or until reliable medicines have been tested to treat it when a bad case hits.  Lacking either of those things, the world will be scary for a while.

I'm really struggling this week.  My work focus is garbage, and Carter and I are battling badly over his school work.  He is putting up a fight about everything.  I try to have him do his writing and he either comes up with a ridiculous response to the teacher's writing prompt, or he refuses to write if I try to make him spell the words on his own or look them up.  He'll always pick the one school activity no one is available to help him with, then balks at the lower-maintenance suggestion in the interim.  He constantly runs off with his tablet and hides away in his room if he senses the slightest opportunity for escape.  On top of that, Jacob is ticked off because Carter now likes baseball better than basketball, and yet he wants Carter to play with him.  Never mind that he constantly critiques Carter's game, inadvertently hurts him when they play, and brags when he wins.  He's annoyed that Craig is spending time playing with Carter (even though baseball is nearly impossible to do alone) and gets extra mad that Carter is spending so much time with electronics because he somehow feels like it's his personal mission to not let him turn into a loser.  For some odd reason Jacob has it in his head that he should be a sort of parental figure, but only in the negative sense.  He wants to discipline him and critique him and control him, which does not go well, because when Craig and I are already trying to manage Carter's behavior, nothing is worse than adding Jacob to the mix and having it feel like we're ganging up on him.  He even said in our last therapy session that he felt it was his responsibility to ensure Carter wasn't "soft", so he definitely uses the "tough love" type of mentality with him, which has essentially turned into constant, overbearing bullying.  As I type Jacob is bemoaning letting Carter win a game today (finally) because he thinks Carter will hold it over his head forever.  What he doesn't get is that maybe if he let him win a bit more, Carter wouldn't be so averse to defeat that he just avoids the possibility all together.

All of it is exhausting to deal with on a daily basis, particularly when it's nearly impossible to escape the house.  We determined while talking to the new therapist the first time that one of the things we're pretty good at is spending time together when we have a set mission.  If we're going to do something fun like go to an arcade or get good food, we do pretty well.  If we're traveling, we've gotten into a decent groove where we are mostly functional outside of the confines of a hotel room.  But being home all the time?  It's hard.  Movie nights might end up OK, but picking a movie is torture.  If I have to see another episode of The Simpsons after this is over, I will probably have minor PTSD upon hearing the theme song.  I've been doing decently with cooking dinners, but we've had some hardcore arguments over Carter's vegetable consumption.  The battle over electronics vs. outside time vs. toys is exhausting when you have 12 hours to fill with those options every single day.  I'm tired of cleaning crumbs off the counter, dried milk off the table, and pee off the toilet seat...all day, every day.  It's just too much togetherness.

The bright spots are currently pretty few and far between.  From my position, anyway.  The kids will either look back at this time and remember all the school they missed, the extra outside time, and lots of Minecraft, TV, and NBA 2K, or they will remember the screaming mom and the lack of any interesting activities like basketball or traveling.  There will be things I miss about this time--the lack of pressure to do things, the sleeping in, the slower pace--but I am struggling with a lot.  This week in particular is hard.  Last year during Holy Week we went to Buffalo a day early and did the Broadway Market and science museum before hitting up my childhood playground on a warm evening.  We did the usual Good Friday stuff with family.  We had a nice Easter partly at home and partly with Craig's family.  This year it's up to me to manufacture the fun and up to technology if we want family time.  Easter is one of my absolute favorite times of year (if not my favorite, usually helped along by decent weather and signs of spring), and this year all of that will be missed.  I'm sad about it--the family, the food, and the fun that we should have had.  And I'm just not sure I have it in me to do it justice from home.

We've had a few little bright spots, though.  Last week Carter's school (and Jacob's old school) did a car parade.  We got to see all of the teachers and staff drive by.  It was nice to see, but it was sad, too, because all of those people love the kids so much and this whole thing could keep them apart for the rest of the year.  It's just not fair that the teachers and students aren't getting these months to appreciate each other and make the most of this one short year together.

Selfie while we waited

The cops led the parade, which passed just around the corner

We had a couple really pleasant weather days earlier this week, and I went out for a lunch time run on the second day.  It was perfect outside and much needed during a tough week.  When I got back I ventured into the yard to see how the foliage was shaping up.  My new hydrangea looks a bit worse for wear and I think something ate my strawberry plants, but the vinca in the way back is looking lovely.

The forsythias were coming a bit slower, but I found one happy little branch peeking out!

This week Carter's teacher asked the kids to make letters in any sort of creative way for a thank you message for medical workers, and with a little encouragement Carter did a great job getting these together.

The finished product came out tonight and turned out so cute!

As I mentioned, earlier today I had my allergy shot...or two, rather, since I started a new vial of serum.  I had my temperature checked as I stepped off the elevator, then was quickly checked in from a distance and ushered to a private exam room.  I got two shots a half hour apart and had to wait the full hour to make sure I didn't react.  I took this picture from my vantage point.  The empty parking lots, particularly at the mall, were pretty stunning.  The few cars nearby were either getting takeout food or at a mechanic shop or pet store.  The busiest stretch of road in the county was looking pretty quiet, although when I left it was still busy enough to prevent me from making a right on red.  Apparently everyone has been going to Target, as that parking lot looked pretty jammed.  Stay home, people.

So, just a couple days left in this week, and then Easter will be upon us.  And then it's just the great nothingness until the cases drop and the world starts to reopen.  Maybe.  At least the weather might get better by then.  But this definitely wasn't the spring I was hoping for.