I've been trying to write this post for nearly a week. I can't seem to finish it, partly because I always think there are more things I wanted to say but keep forgetting, or I just get tired, or I'm burned out on all of this stuff, or my battery dies. The virus overwhelms a lot of life right now and yet I don't feel like I'm really capturing the essence of what this experience is really like. I want to try to record as much as I can because I know we're sort of making history right now and I want to try to remember what it was like for years down the road when we wonder just how we made it through such a bizarre time in history. I probably sound a little repetitive, though, but to say life is a little monotonous right now would be putting it mildly.
I keep finding myself coming back here to blog because it's one of my few mental escapes right now. I'm stuck in this house 98% of the time, only leaving for supply runs or actual runs (on the one day every couple weeks when the weather is reasonable). I'm working for most of the day, dealing with the kids for most of the day, and cramming into the evening what I can--some diamond painting, some TV, random household tasks--before I'm exhausted and head to bed. There's a constant stream of noise in the house, be it from the boys fighting, Jacob's video games or music choices (which he has no courtesy about), TV shows, or one conference call or another. As a result, I'm barely getting any time alone with my own thoughts. I guess in some ways that's good, since thinking too deeply about this stuff could get really depressing really quickly. So much has changed, so many people are suffering, and our current reality was unthinkable a couple months ago. We'd have never dreamed of our kids being out of school for at least a month. We couldn't imagine a society where eat-in restaurants were illegal or the entire mall would remain closed for weeks. Item limits and severe product shortages were only something from Communist or Socialist economies. Being afraid to leave our own house was unthinkable. Yet here we are. All of the above is now our new normal. As trapped as I feel sometimes, I dread leaving the house for fear that in a few days I'll start feeling cruddy. I walk through stores trying to hold my breath and maintain safe social distancing from other shoppers (unsuccessfully on both counts, I'm afraid). Life has a very specific set of worries right now, and most of them make my old day-to-day worries seem pretty trivial. And yet I know we're really doing pretty okay compared to countless others.
Even still, I feel like I'm doing this wrong. Everyone is talking about enjoying this unique time of family togetherness, but we're struggling. Before this, I'd gotten pretty good at weeding through the typical social media competitiveness, where you'd see others' happy family moments and know their life was probably not as perfect as it looked. I could tell myself that it wasn't telling the whole story and that--as in our house--happy family posts might just be drawing out the one normal happy moment of the day or the week. But now I'm struggling with feelings of inadequacy again. Even though the deluge of memes makes it pretty clear many are struggling and just trying to find humor in the mess, I still look at other families enjoying their time together and making the most of the togetherness while we're over here fighting almost non-stop. We can't enjoy this time because we can't seem to get the boys to get along, which makes Craig and me agitated. We try to do a movie night and someone doesn't like the choice. We do family game night and a loser gets mad. The boys try to play Minecraft together and one breaks the rules and attacks the other. Same goes with basketball--someone takes the game a little too far and someone else quits. The constant state of noise is agitating, and inevitably someone is unhappy about something (probably most often me at this point). We just can't seem to make it work. Other families may come out of this time secure in their love for each other, and I fear we will come out of it stressed, exhausted, and completely sick of each other.
I'm also seeing others' accounts of the homeschooling situation in their house, and some are totally rocking it. And then I look at us and wonder what kind of educational mess our kids might be by the time this is all over. Jacob seems to be doing the absolute minimum of his online learning, but at least he's doing most of it on his own. Carter struggles through his assignments. He seems to be doing his reading okay, and might even like it sometimes (not that he'd admit it). Math seems to be pretty simple for him most of the time, but those assignments have less clear direction so it's hard to know if they're sufficient. Writing is almost always a struggle for him, not just to express himself, but to get it down on paper. Neatness is not his forte, and neither is spelling. Then, because he was endlessly begging for the tablet and doing too much mindless stuff each day, I had to add another activity for him, just to force him to get a bit more creative with his learning opportunities. I had grand plans of him taking advantage of all the great online content right now, or finding new ways to play with his toys, and yet he's doing whatever random option he can just to get it done. And now, the school district has upped the quantity of work to include more subjects, so I have no idea how we're going to get through it. With me working a full day and Craig working through calls and projects periodically throughout the day, it's hard to keep him on task and engaged without spoon-feeding. In a perfect world I'd like to be engaging both kids to do better (especially Carter) but I'm so busy with work that it's hard to focus on anything else. And by the weekend my best intentions give way to exhaustion, so there isn't much quality time on the weekends either. So when I see other parents with creative ideas, fun crafts, and diligently working children, I feel bad that my kids are missing out on better quality learning during this time...or quality time with me, for that matter. But truth be told, they may not even embrace it the way some kids would. Carter just isn't impressed by anything. So what can you do?
We're definitely more into survival mode than I'd like. We're just trying to get through school and work, attempt some physical activity (outside if possible), and keep the screen time to a minimum (although what's considered "minimum" has changed significantly in the last few weeks). Screentime has never really been too limited in this house, but I'm finding it extra challenging now to find a balance between Carter's wishes, his mental and physical health, and our sanity. I know Carter is addicted to screens, and I know it's terrible for him. But if we want any quiet time without him bugging us to play or the boys fighting, it has to happen. It's also what he usually requests once he gets three of his five school tasks done, and if we want any chance of motivating him to continue, it has to be the carrot we dangle. Jacob is also staring at his school computer, his phone, or the TV (for a Simpsons episode or his Xbox games) most of the day. But now that he's outgrown toys and refuses to get other hobbies, I'm not sure what choice we have.
I've found myself struggling more than ever this week. I think the newness has worn off and reality is setting in. So much bad news and no end in sight has begun to weigh on me. Work is exhausting me, I'm dreading the prospect of homeschooling for months (and worrying about the learning that definitely won't happen), struggling with the fear of going out, and the family burnout is overtaking me. I didn't even want to do a fun Zoom meeting with my co-workers today because I was just so spent. You'd think this is an introvert's dream, but with the constant noise and presence of everyone in this house, the thought of interacting with other people--even for something fun--exhausted me. I can barely motivate myself to do stuff around the house, either. I'm trying like heck to keep the kitchen clean and cook meals at home, but it took me a week to get Jacob's school transportation paperwork scanned. I'm still working at a snail's pace to get our taxes together, and other projects have just been put off until the weekend because I can't bear to do anything else in the evening. At least I'm usually getting in 3-4 workouts per week, but they're probably needed to offset the snacking. All of the worries just seem to be a constant weight on my chest right now, and I can already feel the anxiety ramping up about going to Wegmans tomorrow.
With Easter coming up next weekend, I think a little depression is setting in knowing it won't be the usual fun holiday. I love Easter weekend so much, from the church time and fun family gathering on Good Friday with my family to the amazing food and family time with Craig's family on Sunday. This year won't feature a visit to the Broadway Market, or my parents' church Easter breakfast, or any church at all, for that matter. Well, we'll do it online, but it's not quite the same. I'm trying to think up ways to make our homebound Easter special, but my sadness is challenging me. To make matters worse, the governor canceled spring break, so I don't even get a break this week from the burden of homeschooling. Jacob's break is still intact (yay private school), but I'm sure it'll go over like a lead balloon when Carter is stuck doing work and Jacob isn't (and of course Jacob won't stop talking about it).
I know I should be thankful that we're both still working and bringing in full salaries. We're not on the front lines, our health concerns are mostly minimal, and we have enough food and a comfortable place to live. I know we're blessed. But I'm still struggling. If only it really were as simple as laying on the couch to save the world...
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