And...There It Is.

Oh, hi there, pre-Christmas-week stress!

You know, I was feeling pretty good about this Christmas season.  I had a ton of gifts bought or ordered, and heading into last weekend I just had a handful of gifts to figure out.  And I did that for most of them.  My packages were all scheduled to arrive on time this week...except one.  But more on that in a minute.  In general, even though I had a ton to do with wrapping and all the usual last minute stuff, I felt okay.  And then this week hit.

Sunday I was checking tracking info for all of my shipments, and I realized my one package containing two of Carter's big gifts hadn't moved since Wednesday.  The delivery date had fluctuated from Friday to Monday to Tuesday, but now FedEx's site showed no estimated delivery date at all.  The only time I've ever seen that before, my package ended up lost.  I got on a customer service chat with Target and asked when I should get concerned, and they assured me that it was fine and that it should arrive on Tuesday, which their site still said.  And if it didn't, they'd make it right.  She even gave me a 20% refund for my trouble, which was unnecessary but nice.  Well, shockingly, on Monday night I noticed the package had arrived in Syracuse, and delivery was in fact scheduled for Tuesday.  I felt a lot better...until Craig called me mid-afternoon when he stopped home for something and found the delivery leaning up against the garage.  He said, "Did you order cat food?"  I seriously thought he was scamming me, given the ridiculousness with this package already.  But no, the giant box that had been delivered did not contain two toys, but rather two 20-pound bags of cat food.

Oddly, the box contained two packing slips.  One was for our stuff, which of course was nowhere to be found, and the other was for the cat food, which was supposed to go to Salt Lake City.  That packing slip still had the shipping labels attached.  I have no idea how our box never got packed and this one was packed but never labeled properly, but there it was.  So of course I got back on the chat with Target, and later on the phone, at which point I figured out that they were sold out of both items and I had no choice but to get a refund.  I got a $10 gift card as a consolation prize, but that wasn't much of a consolation, since things were selling out left and right, and the one gift was actually on sale when I bought it and was now prohibitively expensive (for what it is, anyway).  By some miracle I managed to find the one toy available at the Walmart near my work, so I immediately bought it for store pickup.  The other one was available at a couple other Walmarts, but again, it was more expensive and now I was having second thoughts.  We hatched a backup plan, but we have yet to finalize which way we're going.  Regardless, it completely threw me off and aside from bringing out my wrapping stuff that night, I felt highly unmotivated to make further progress.

Oh, and shortly after the initial cat food discovery, I received three other notifications from Target that packages had been delivered.  Only, they weren't there.  Craig didn't see them, and neither did Jacob when he came home.  Of course, then I started panicking that we were the victim of porch pirates, and that I'd have nothing to give anyone for Christmas at this rate.  Then I noticed that the package delivery info mentioned a "dock" and a "mail room", which is odd since our house has neither.  Eventually I figured out that they were UPS SmartPost items and I'm guessing they were delivered to the post office.  However, I've never had a delivery say it was "delivered" upon arrival to the post office.  Usually it's just another update in the tracking, and then once it's in my mailbox courtesy of the mailman, it says "delivered".  Fortunately, those items did, in fact, show up yesterday...along with at least four other deliveries.  Sorry, delivery men, that everything ended up falling on the worst weather day of the year so far!

On the bright side of all of this madness, when I went to pick up the one reordered toy yesterday morning on my way into work, I took a stroll around the store just in case I could find a gift for my aunt.  It was on her family exchange wish list, and I should have ordered it on Amazon right away, but tried to find an alternative from elsewhere.  It was a very basic hooded sweatshirt, so I thought maybe I could find something a bit more stylish or fun that would serve the same purpose.  But I had zero luck, and by the time I went to order it, they were no longer guaranteeing on-time shipping.  So I had been a bit torn on that--whether to continue the quest or pick something else that wasn't on her list.  I still checked every store I went in for something similar without luck, but I knew Super Walmarts usually have an expanded clothing selection.  Sure enough, I walked over, and sitting on a rack was the exact thing I needed.  Size, color, style....everything.  It wasn't even with other stuff like it.  It was like it was just placed there, right for me. ::cue angels singing::  I did eventually find the similar rack nearby, but what are the odds that the one I needed would be sitting right there?  I killed two birds with one stone on that stop, which was fabulous.

So, on the gift front, I really just have a few things left to get, only one of which is a complete unknown and one of which I've basically narrowed down but need to hope things go well in actually buying it.  I have no idea when I'll have time to do this stuff, of course.  We had confirmation/bible study last night, two basketball games tonight, and then Craig leaves for Halifax on Friday.  The kids are never thrilled about going out no matter what, and if I have any last minute stuff to pick up for them, that won't work anyway.  I have a half day on Monday but by then I'll have a boatload of stuff to be doing, including packing for Buffalo.  Sigh.  The list never ends.

And that's not even getting into the thing that's stressing me out the most right now.  Food has always been a bit stressful at Christmas, if only because we have to travel and I need things that transport well and can deal with a cold car and/or lack of proper refrigeration, depending on the circumstances.  But that got even more complicated when Jacob was diagnosed with Celiac disease, as I then had to start making separate plans for him.  I try to have gluten-free cookies to offset the abundance of ones he can't eat at every party.  I try to have a backup for an actual meal, since once in a while there is inexplicably nothing he can eat--at least that he likes.  I know at our Christmas Eve stop there will be ham and kielbasa, and my mom always does her best to keep most of her stuff gluten-free for our Christmas Day lunch-time meal.  Dinner at my uncle's is always a bit more of a free-for-all. When I make something to share, I try to make sure it's something he likes and will eat.  Last year when I made Broken Glass, the yummy, creamy, jello based dessert that's a family tradition, I made it with a gluten-free crust and thank goodness I did, because the dinner selections just didn't really work for him and I think he subsisted on Broken Glass alone that night.  So, trying to come up with ideas that fit all of the criteria is hard, and I get to this point in the season every year and start freaking out, because it inevitably means multiple trips to Wegmans during already busy days.

In addition to party/travel food, the kids want to make cookies this weekend.  So I need to have the ingredients for that.  I know I have to make cinnamon rolls on Monday night to have ready to bake on Christmas Eve morning.  As if that wasn't enough, today Jacob's class is doing some sort of Christmas Around the World thing.  A couple weeks ago he said that he needed me to make tamales or some sort of other Mexican Christmas food.  I looked at him blankly, as I know tamales are a bit of a process.  I was hoping for more suggestions or a bit more insight, which never really came, so I searched Pinterest here and there.  Then I basically forgot about it until Tuesday when I saw it among his assignments in the parent portal (and he simultaneously happened to text me about it).  After a bit of a Facebook freakout, my boss suggested getting premade tamales.  Genius!  Turns out Wegmans has them, so last night after confirmation, we bought a couple packs of them.  They even had microwave directions from frozen, so I didn't even have to cook them myself!  Dodged a bullet there.

For work, I was debating just bringing in donuts or bagels as a Christmas gift to everyone, since our department is getting too big for even small token gifts.  But there's a gluten-free co-worker there, too, so I knew I needed an option for her.  Since a couple people are off on Friday I was targeting today for that.  Well, last night while we were at Wegmans I made the snap decision to just make my monkey bread for everyone this morning, and buy gluten-free donuts holes for my gluten-free co-worker.  So, as if shopping until 9pm wasn't enough last night, I stayed up until 11pm baking!  Oh, and we have a lunch Friday where we're encouraged to bring in dessert.  I don't know if that gets me off the hook for that, but let's just say there's only so much I can do! 

Oh, and as I mentioned, Jacob has two basketball games tonight night that we just found out about Tuesday (this league's last-minute scheduling is frustrating, and apparently tournaments are no better), so I ended up taking a last minute half day off work because Carter is also marching in his toy solider thing this afternoon.  I was just going to work from home after that, but with the quick transition into getting ready to leave basketball, I figured I'd just take the time and not worry about the work.  But of course, work is busy, too, so there is literally an endless supply of stuff to be thinking about right now. 

I love Christmas.  I do.  We're getting so close and I know the kids are excited, and I am too.  I just wish the to-do lists weren't so long and so full of things that could potentially disappoint people or make the holiday less than enjoyable for them.  All of these things are part of the process and therefore the holiday season wouldn't be the same without them, so I'm trying to maintain my composure and revel in the fact that it does all somehow get done each year.  But I'm concerned.  There's a lot to do and minimal energy and time to do it.  And by the time I'm putting my feet up on the 23rd (for five minutes after midnight before I drag myself off to bed) with just the Christmas lights on and the gifts under the tree, to take pictures and revel in the feeling of being (mostly) done, the rest that follows will happen so quickly that I'll barely know what hit me.  Then another Christmas will be past.

I was looking through pictures the other day from when Jacob did the soldier march, and as I scrolled through the rest of the December pictures and was reminded of what he got for Christmas that year, I was a bit shocked.  I mean, in many ways I feel every bit of those five years.  But on the other hand, I can't believe Carter is that same age now.  They are such different kids that the comparison is really futile, but still...how is littlest boy in those pictures now the same age Jacob was, and Jacob a legit big kid?  It's mind-blowing.  It really makes you realize how few of these little kid Christmases we have left, so I'm trying to savor all of the little things--Advent calendars, cookie making, toy buying, stocking stuffers, and anything else that's special about this phase of life--as I know that before we know it we'll have teenagers we have to drag out of bed, or college kids that we'll just be happy to have home.  I'm just not sure how it's happened, but time is really flying.

Well, I finished my lunch and my half day is calling.  Time to run errands and make it to school by 2pm!

Weekend Update

With all the busyness of the season and wherever my mind has been wandering this week, I realized I never talked about last weekend.  We had a pretty busy one!

Craig's birthday was on Friday.  As I mentioned previously, I was actually lucky enough to be off that day, mostly just because I could.  Originally it was to go to the funeral home for my great aunt, but then the weather took a turn for the worse and I decided driving to Buffalo might not be a great idea, so I stuck closer to home and got a few things done instead.  One of those things was baking up Craig's birthday cake.  He wanted a cookie cake, which I used to be good at making, but finding a gluten-free recipe that wasn't totally from scratch proved to be a challenge.  But I finally found one, and this was the result...

We went out for a tasty birthday dinner at Outback and came home to enjoy some cookie cake, which was pretty darn tasty itself!

Selfie with the birthday boy!

On Saturday, Carter attended a birthday party for twins in his class at school, for the second year in a row.  Like last year it was a bowling party.  I didn't take any pictures this time, but suffice it to say that he had a good time, mostly just running around like a maniac with a couple boys from last year's class who he's still buddies with.  He bowled, ate pizza, drank root beer, and finished off the party with a giant cupcake.  He had a great time, and I kept my sanity chatting with his buddy's dad while we tried to keep them from destroying the place with their sugar high!

On Sunday morning, Carter had his Sunday School Christmas program.

I don't think remembering words and motions to songs is Carter's particular forte--and to be fair, they only practice them every Sunday at Sunday school, and I didn't make him go to the practice the previous morning--but he did well considering.  It was a very sweet program, as always.

Craig and Jacob had to leave in the middle of it, because Jacob had his first day of games with his new basketball team.  This is a town elite team in a Rochester-area league.  He practices twice a week, which he enjoys but which definitely keeps us busy in the evenings.  The only downfall to the league is that the game schedule is last-minute.  We're used to sports where we get the schedule a solid couple weeks in advance and can plan it out for a couple months, but with this one we only know games around the Thursday before, if not later.  In addition, there's two per weekend so it's a pretty solid chunk of time.  With one parent who travels, that's not ideal!  It's going to get extremely difficult once Carter's basketball starts in January.  Let's hope for no overlap, especially when Craig is out of town!

He did well in his first game, with six points, and added two more in the second game.  He also plays solid defense, though it's tough when he gets matched up against the opponents' bigger players at times.  His team went 1-1.  This league doesn't do three-pointers, which steals a bit of his thunder, but all of his points were in the paint for the first time ever, so that was good to see him broadening his horizons a bit!

We had his second round of games first thing this morning (which meant Saturday night church for the first time ever last night!).  Once again his team went 1-1.  He chipped in 10 points in the first game, which could have been 12 if they counted threes (which would have been an all-time high for him).  He was a huge contributor in the win.  The second team played them tough and their big men were just a bit much to overcome.  Jacob had four points, including two clutch free throws in the fourth quarter.  The loss was a bummer, particularly because the ref wasn't awesome and things got a bit heated--including one parent who got tossed out of the gym.  That's not really how you want things to go, regardless of the outcome.  

We have some tournaments coming up over the holidays, which will be fun but no doubt a scheduling challenge, especially because last minute holiday prep is hard enough and my brother and his kids are coming in on the 26th and I'm hoping basketball doesn't complicate being able to spend time with them.

After spending yesterday running around like a crazy person trying to wrap up more shopping, today was able to be a lazy Sunday afternoon.  I even got to cuddle this guy for a while...

Craig has his work holiday party tonight--and yes, in a perfect world we'd have had a babysitter and I'd have gone, too--but good for him to get a fun night out before things get busy again.  They're providing a limo ride to and from the party, and since the boys hadn't been in a limo before, they had to check it out when Craig got picked up.  They look like naturals, don't they?

So now it's just an evening of trying to keep the boys away from each other and off screens if possible, and getting ready for the last week of school and work before Christmas (well, mostly--I have a half day next Monday to hopefully set me up for only a half day later in the week).  Just a few gifts left to get, and probably evenings full of wrapping this week.  Baking next weekend, and then the final push will be on!  Not sure how we got here already...but here we go!

What's On My Mind Today...

Seven years ago today was the Sandy Hook shooting.  We were on our way to Montreal for a Knighthawks' preseason game--which ended up being a pretty amazing weekend--and stopped at a Cici's Pizza in Watertown for lunch.  I was pregnant with Carter and my bottomless stomach wanted pizza!  But when we got there and saw the news on the TV, I couldn't even fathom the horror I was seeing.  Jacob was four, but still close enough to elementary school that it scared me to death.  Until that moment I don't think I ever considered someone coming into my kid's safe space and killing anyone.  Since then, it's probably at least a weekly thought.  How messed up is that?  My kids go through lockdown drills regularly, and have opinions about how they're done, no less.  "We're not hidden enough", or "The girls have the better spot."  How is this our life now?  And how, seven years later, are kids still getting shot up in schools?  I know it's not logical to take all the guns, but it seems simple enough to limit the assault weapons, to institute hardcore background checks, and to improve mental health offerings, but it feels like nothing has really happened since...except more shootings.  This year Carter is in first grade, and the thought of his class going through that--of my sweet six-year-old and his classmates getting gunned down, or his awesome, perky teacher giving her life for them--is so horrific.  It seems impossible and surreal, but it really happened to those kids and teachers and it seriously kills me inside.  It's a very tough anniversary this year.

Christmas shopping is moving along.  I got over a big hump today despite dodging torrential rain and then slushy snow, and fitting in work on my car (a recall and a rattle caused by a loose heat shield) and church tonight, since we have basketball tomorrow morning.  I know there were a few gifts I was overthinking, but I've realized that's just how I roll, and there's actually a reason for it.  I've mentioned here before that I'm really sensitive to clutter.  I also don't like when things go unused or get wasted.  I'm definitely guilty of all of it, but becoming ever more conscious of it.  As that has happened, shopping has gotten harder.  I think getting some less-than-awesome Christmas gifts has contributed, as well, as I hate that feeling that someone had no idea what to buy you so they defaulted to the easiest, most generic thing possible, and it doesn't work for you at all (P.S. - For the girl who doesn't smell, Bath and Body and any sort of candle are a no).  As much as I know you should be thankful for anything that someone thought to buy you, when it doesn't feel like there was a lot of thought put into it, it sort of dulls that thankfulness a bit.  Once I get a gift like that (or the kids do), then I feel compelled to not let it go to waste, which inevitably leads to stuff sitting in a closet waiting to be used someday when circumstances change...but often it never happens and sometimes things go completely to waste.  I should just get better about regifting (but that's awkward in its own way--if  I didn't like it, who else will?), but I always remain hopeful that some day I'll have a use for it.  Anyway, I don't like that feeling and I don't want to give it to anyone else, so I overthink gifts.  I always want to get something someone will like and will use.  Even if I have to give a generic gift, I always hope to find a way to include something they'll have to like or use--maybe chocolate or some sort of handy little thing that everyone can use, even if it means sharing it with others.  But figuring it out--and doing that year after year--is not easy.  It always seems to take me a long time and often induces panic near the end.  This year I got most of the tough ones done about a week earlier, which is good.  But as I wandered the aisles of Homegoods, I looked at so many things that would be great gifts for someone...if I only knew that person!  I just don't want to buy something that I think someone would like, but be totally wrong and put them in that awkward position that I hate so much.  I think living apart from family makes things extra hard, because we have less opportunity for those random conversations where a need or want might come up, or even more invested relationships where you know beyond a doubt what they need.  But being physically far away makes that so much harder.  I don't know the colors of people's kitchens or know if they like cheesy Christmas décor.  So, in the end it's a bit of a guessing game.  I hate that, and it's the hardest part of Christmas for me.  I'm thankful to be over the hump for this year, though.  Just a few things left to buy!

The screen time and the smart alecky remarks around here are really starting to get to me.  I've been done with the steroids for a couple weeks now and yet I'm still losing my crap on the regular because the kids aren't listening and have a general lack of respect for us and each other.  Much of the time they're staring at a screen and are incapable of breaking their attention to even answer a simple question.  Carter can't self-regulate at all, which leads to me constantly telling him to get off the screen and go do something else.  And when we do regulate him, he spends half his free time reminding us how little screen time he's had and asking when he can have more.  Jacob insists he has nothing else to do when the weather is crappy.  He refuses to take up reading as a hobby, so he's either playing NBA2K20 or watching YouTube.  It's awful, but I honestly don't know what else to tell him to do.  It's going to be a long winter.

My Facebook memories reminded me that last year on this day we were in Niagara Falls for our waterpark weekend, which started with that fun Brazilian steakhouse dinner.  Had Craig's employment situation not changed, it appears we'd probably be there again this weekend, but I guess with basketball and needing this last weekend with Craig home before a roadtrip next weekend, it's probably good we're not.  But oh, that was fun...and it makes this weekend seem pretty unexciting!

I guess that's about it for today.  Tomorrow is week #2 of basketball.  I never really posted about week #1, so I guess I can add that to my list for this week.  Let's hope the slushy snow and wind don't complicate our early morning games, or the rest of my shopping.  We shall see!

What Stands Between Us and the Holiday

Today was study day at my alma mater, the one day between when classes end and exams begin.  It was probably one of my favorite days of the year, despite the daunting challenge it posed, just because it was a day out of the ordinary--we could sleep in, hang out in our room, eat leisurely meals, not have to trudge over to campus, and maybe even watch a little TV, all while cramming in multiple study sessions for whatever exams we had up first.  It was definitely a pressure-filled day, but the break from the semester-long routine was refreshing and I could find little wrong with spending the day with my best friend, essentially trapped in our room.  One spring study day we did venture out into the gorgeous spring sun to study, which resulted in a painful sunburn for both of us, but winter ones generally meant cocooning in our room, ideally with a little Christmas music and a soap opera break mid-afternoon.  If we were lucky, one or both of us had received an exam week care package, so we might have even had some good snacks to keep us motivated.  Even though there was, at most, seven days separating us from six weeks of freedom and Christmas, it felt like an eternally high mountain to climb at the time.  Finals usually held a lot of weight, and I was fanatical about my grades.  Doing them--and doing them well--was a must, but it seemed like a lot to conquer.

Most exam weeks I miraculously ended up with one test per day--which was good news for studying but bad news for break because it maxed out your time at school.  If you were lucky enough to finish up all of your exams in three days, you could go home as many as four days early.  That happened to me once and it was pretty glorious, but cramming five classes' worth of finals into those three days was not so enjoyable.  I could barely hold a pen by the time it was over, courtesy of many hours of essay writing into those blasted little blue books.  I had a very specific study routine--re-read my notes two days out, rewrite them the day before, and study them at least twice that day, including once right before bed.  It worked wonderfully with one exam per day, but was significantly harder with two.  And by the time it was all over, I was exhausted and generally slept until noon my first day home.  I don't think I actually recovered from my first exam week (complete with a cold and fever) for a solid week.  But looking back on it now, while I wouldn't really want to go back and relive exam week, getting through five three-hour exams and some intense-but-at-my-own-pace studying for seven days doesn't sound so bad.

Fast-forward to 40-something adulthood and the chasm between me and Christmas seems a bit bigger.  I'm also managing the chasm for two Christmas-crazy kids, which is even more challenging.  I'd say I'm not sure who's more excited to get to the other side, but let's face it--they both dislike school and Christmas is still stress-free magic for them (outside of Jacob obsessing about his wish list), so I'm pretty sure they win.  All they have two do is survive less than two weeks of school, and Jacob two weeks of practice and confirmation, and they're golden.  I, on the other hand, have to slog through a bunch of work, the usual early mornings and lunch making, tons of gift buying (despite having done a bunch already), and all of the usual holiday baking, food planning, and gift wrapping that clog up that last week or so pretty handily.  Forget about five exams--now THIS feels like an insurmountable mountain, every single year.  And yes, it will feel good to have the majority of two weeks to relax at home, but the reality is that the kids will drive me nuts and I still have plenty to do in the midst of that, so I'm not sure how relaxing it will actually be.  The 6am wakeup calls and lunch packing I will not miss, however.

On one hand it seems like we will never get there.  Every early morning and every busy evening seem like a daunting tasks.  Work days seem to go on forever.  But on the other hand, I know it's going to go by at light speed.  It will be here before we know it, and I remind Jacob of that every day when he talks about how he can't wait.  This time of anticipation is what makes the holiday itself so special.  It's when we make our holiday season memories, and all of the build-up about presents is what makes the actual act of opening them so momentous.  If it was just a couple days of waiting, it wouldn't be nearly so exciting.  And then, after all of the anticipation, it's over so quickly!  And so quickly after that (though less quickly this year), break will be over and we'll be back to school and work, and deep into the yucky part of winter, which drags on badly!  So let's just enjoy the current fun while it lasts, shall we?

I'm finding myself trying to soak in every moment of lazy snowfalls, Christmas lights and music, and even crazy Christmas shopping.  I know it all goes so fast and I know as I get older, Christmas as we know it will continue to change and evolve, so I'm trying to appreciate it while it's still at a place I'm comfortable in.  What will it be like when our parents are gone, or when the kids are grown?  I want to enjoy it to its fullest now while it's still familiar and comfortable and fully happy.  It's hard to explain that to your kids, of course.  So I guess they'll just continue to count down through the eternity that is childhood pre-Christmas, and I will sit here as an overwhelmed but grateful adult who knows that Christmas is only two weeks away and will be done before we know it.  Even if I'm struggling each morning and counting down the days until I can sleep in, at least I know it's one less day until we get there, and inevitably, day by day, we will get there.  In the meantime, I have plenty to do...and when it finally does get here, it will be well-earned.  It's a little different than the childhood version of building up that anticipation, but it's still pretty effective.

All is just as it should be, and I wouldn't change it for the world.  Hang in there, kids.  And you, too, grown-ups.  It's coming!

A Brighter December

Ahhhh, December.  Here we are, one week in.  I'm not quite in panic mode yet, but everything's going too quickly, as usual.  On the bright side, the annoying amount of snow we've received so far this season (27 inches, to lead New York state's major cities) has made things feel very Christmasy.  So much of it has fallen in such a way that trees have been staying pretty covered, so everything looks picture perfect all the time.  It's pretty impressive and does wonders for the Christmas spirit when I'm listening to Christmas music in the car or looking out the window.  Heck, yesterday I took a day off of work--originally it was to go to the funeral home for my great aunt, though when it snowed (again) I decided driving to Buffalo probably wasn't the best idea, so I just stayed home and got things done instead.  I spent part of the day just lounging on the couch and watching a seasonally appropriate--though not Christmas-themed--movie, which felt even better with it snowing like crazy outside.  It was very relaxing with the tree on and getting all cozy on the new furniture (which I love, if I haven't mentioned it).  I keep trying to remind myself how quickly this time always passes, so any little low-stress bits I can soak up are good.

I know I've mentioned before that November is one of my least favorite months.  That period between Halloween and Thanksgiving tends to drag a bit, and all of the anxiety of the coming Christmas season builds, but I feel like there isn't much I can do about it, mostly because we don't have lists to shop from yet or anything like that.  We have to slog through three or more weeks of work and school before we finally get to a fabulous day of food, a few days off, and the official beginning of Christmas.  It's a lot of anticipation, and some years are more challenging than others.  Being sick this year didn't help.

I think I've also discussed before how I sometimes feel like the very difficult November when I was pregnant with Jacob still tends to cast a shadow over that time.  That year I was wrestling with a lot of emotions--not just the usual blahs when it's darker earlier and the colder weather sets in--but dealing with pregnancy-induced nausea and fatigue, and all of the uncertainty about whether the pregnancy would stick.  I found it really hard to live a sort of double life with not being able to tell people what was going on, and having to act normal when I felt sick and my mind was constantly distracted.  All of it was so hard.  But thinking back, while November felt so dark and difficult, I don't have the same feeling about December, even though not much changed when the calendar flipped.  All I can figure is that little by little, bright spots emerged.

First, we told a couple people our news, which took the edge off the secrecy a bit.  Then, 12 years ago today, we got an ultrasound.  Prior to that, we actually had no idea how far along I was.  We had no idea when I actually got pregnant given the odd timing around my cycle, so going in we had no idea what to expect.  When that image flashed up on the screen, my jaw dropped.  It was a real baby with identifiable parts--not just an amoeba-like blob on the screen.  I was a full 10 weeks along, and just seeing him move his little arms and legs left me stunned.  I was excited, no doubt, but simply shocked.  It made it all very real!

Of course, at that point we realized that we were so far along we almost could have told people at Thanksgiving, but now we were stuck waiting until Christmas because we were leaving for Disney in three days and wouldn't have a chance to see our families in person until the holidays.  Knowing I had that developed of a baby in my belly also complicated the Disney trip a bit, because I made the call to not ride any thrill rides for fear I'd miscarry while we were there.  But the good news was that we'd have a great week-long distraction!  That trip definitely brightened my mood, not just because we had a blast, but because the second we landed in Florida, my nausea and fatigue went away for good!  I felt fabulous on that trip.  I hadn't been to Disney in 20 years, and it felt like a dream come true!

Despite all of the holiday prep that inevitably waited for me when we got home with only a week until Christmas, that trip was such a wonderful way to move through December.  I still look back on it so fondly--and not just because it's the last time we went on an extended trip alone together!

Anyway, all of that popped into my head the other day when I realized how much happier the beginning of December was that year, even though so much was still so secretive and I was still pretty nervous about everything.  It's amazing what little things can do to change your perspective.

So, in the spirit of that happy December, I'm trying to stay positive for this one.  We're making a lot of progress on gift buying (thought we need to stay vigilant!) and some of the fun events of the season are coming up rapidly.  I know I need to savor this time because it will be over before we know it and then the slog of the post-Christmas winter will be upon us.  Despite the stress, this is the fun stuff.

Parenting is Hard

Yesterday I got chatting with a co-worker, and we were talking about kids' (and our) ever-present sickness in the winter.  That transitioned into her asking about sleep training, as it sounds like her six-month-old is waking up at night and it's getting exhausting.  I told her about how Jacob would wake up every night for a solid couple weeks, usually just around the time a tooth was popping through, and how it nearly made me crazy.  It brought to mind the many nights I was awkwardly slumped around the crib just so I could keep a hand on him so he knew I was there and wouldn't cry.  I had those nights with Carter, too, but far fewer.  Hard to believe those nights with Jacob are now 10+ years in our rear view mirror.  It's crazy.

As I was talking about it I admitted that I don't miss those kind of struggles at all.  I mean, I see babies now and love holding them and seeing their goofy grins.  It's the sweetest time when you have a baby that thinks you're the coolest person ever.  Those morning crib smiles, their face at daycare pickup, the sweetness as they drift off to sleep in your arms...all of it is awesome.  But it comes with some heavy baggage and I don't miss the angst of trying to figure out what to do with this tiny human who has very inconvenient (but very real) wants and needs that I feel inadequate at handling.  It's exhausting, though I'd venture it's more on the physical side than anything else in those early years.  The sleepless nights, physical body changes and hormone surges, and the sheer arm strength it takes to haul a baby everywhere or rock them endlessly--I think the physical challenge of that time just made the mental struggles even harder.  It's difficult to be clear-headed and logical when you're tired, and it literally took parenthood to teach me that.

Nowadays, the struggle feels far more mental to me.  Yes, there's the physical toll of shuttling kids around and keeping the closets and pantry stocked (gone are the days of one trip to Wegmans per week).  But the problems are much more complex in nature.  I don't miss trying to figure out what to do with a sick baby (although big kids have those moments, too) because that seemed life-and-death agonizing at the time, but now the problems are a bit more subtle yet ultimately just as impactful on your child's quality of life.  How do you teach them to manage school work and schedules?  How do you help them navigate dicey and difficult tween-to-teenage friendships (or even romances)?  How do you help them come to grips with pressures and tolerating unenjoyable things, particularly in this modern society where true boredom is halfway extinct thanks to the immediate gratification of electronic devices?  These are important life skills, much like learning to feed yourself or use the potty, but the how-to is so much more complex and usually there's no easy, one-size-fits-all answer.

After thinking about it more, I decided that God probably made parenting hard by design.  I mean, maybe it only goes back to the fall of Adam and Eve, and prior to that it was supposed to be easy and rewarding all the time, but I do think it makes sense that it's hard.  First of all, if it was easy, everyone would do it and we'd probably have a lot of overpopulation (and still somehow some extra terrible parents).  Second, would it even be rewarding if it's not hard?  Sure, we'd enjoy the good moments just fine, but doesn't the sweet baby smile feel so much better after rocking them through a miserable night?  And doesn't it probably make older parents even happier to see their kids become solid, functional adults after all those years of hard work?  The hard stuff makes you appreciate the good stuff even more, and if you can take a bit of credit for it, that's a bonus.

But you know the third thing I realized?  It would be seriously boring if it was easy.  If you knew how to raise a baby up through a teenager the second the baby was born, what point would there be in that?  The adventure is half the fun, at least once you're past the hard moments.  And similarly, thank goodness kids' problems evolve over the years, because I really wouldn't still want to be figuring out how to manage potty training or sleep training 10 years later.  The problems may get harder, but at least they're different problems and we're not constantly trying to solve the same one (well, unless it's my kids fighting--that may never end).  I can only take so much "Groundhog Day" in my life.

Having to evolve with their problems also helps us evolve as people.  It makes us creative and resourceful, and also sometimes makes us reflect on our own lives and choices in a way we wouldn't without kids.  When you have to teach a child the right way to do something, you may realize you're not really doing it right yourself.  Whether it's how you treat people, or how to keep a neat house, or how to reach for your dreams, I think going through these processes with your kids gives you a different perspective and it can actually help you catch some of your own shortcomings.  Without all that evolution, wouldn't parenting seem sort of, well...empty?

So, like I said, I think parenthood--hard parts and all--is divinely designed--as purposefully ordained as the very creation of that baby itself.  Without all of the twists and turns, it just wouldn't be the same type of life-changing experience it is.  I do wish we were all better at it and that it wasn't so hard sometimes, but I have a feeling we're all right where we need to be with it.  It's not supposed to be easy.  It's supposed to be hard work that's rewarding in the end.  And never a dull moment, that's for sure!

Thanksgiving Recap

I guess it's been a busy week-plus since I last posted.  Fortunately, I am feeling much better.  I'm pretty much back to my usual allergy-induced sniffliness, which is about to be expected.  It seems the steroids definitely did some good work and maybe the third antibiotic finished it off for good.  I still get an annoying round of noseblowing now and then when some thicker junk tries to make its way out, but for the most part things are back to normal.  I am only about halfway through the antibiotics, though, and they leave a terrible metallic taste in my mouth, but thankfully aside from a couple ragey incidents, the steroids have been more manageable than usual.  I go for a follow-up on Wednesday, so we'll see what they say.  But I'm very grateful to be done with the worst.  Now if my new alpha lipoic acid supplement would work to bring back my smell, that would be great!

It was nice to have a two-day week last week.  I had a ton of work to get done beforehand and pulled it off, so that helped make the five-day break much better.  Dreading going back tomorrow, but duty calls.  Jacob had a community service day at a nearby VA hospital last Monday, and I think that was an eye-opening experience for him.  He even heard one guy say that he played against Kareen Abdul-Jabbar (Lew Alcindor at that time) back in college.  I think it's easy to forget that these older veterans were once young, strong, athletic men, so I hope that sticks with him.  He had four days off after that, including one day on his own.  I did stop home at lunch to break up the solitude.  I think the break was probably good for him, though he's probably dreading going back more than anyone.

Craig has been working a ton, which has been extra challenging for the kids.  They miss him so much.  It's led to a lot of battling and trying to keep them occupied.  Last week when Carter and I stopped at Wegmans to get my prescription, he convinced me to buy a caramel apple kit.  We did it last weekend, and I have to admit they were really good--although VERY sweet!

A couple weeks ago Jacob's school principal sent out a message clarifying some things about the dress code, which effectively outlawed his sneakers.  Only solid color Vans, not the print we had gotten a while back.  Darn it.  We ordered a new pair through Kohl's, but they sent us the wrong ones, so last weekend while Craig was working we went out to dinner and then ran to the store to try to sort things out.  The boys were obnoxious as usual, but we did snag this cute picture with them and the giant $600 sloth!

We had a very nice Thanksgiving, almost a picture perfect day, in fact.  We went to Buffalo on Wednesday for our annual bar visit in honor of Craig's Uncle Mike who passed away five years ago.  Aside from Craig having to adjust to his 40-pound-lighter body and what food/drink it can handle now, we had a really good time.  It was a bit of a rough return to my parents' house, but after a little extra sleep while we went to church, luckily he felt much better by meal #1 with my parents and my aunt and uncle (my dad's siblings).  We had a very pleasant meal with delicious food, and it was nice to wish my parents a very Happy 49th Anniversary (!) in person!  Next we headed off to meal #2 with Craig's family, which was also very tasty.  I was quite full but I think the steroids helped me out as I got my fill!  Oh, and the Bills won their big Thanksgiving game against Dallas, which was somewhat unexpected, so that was fun to see, too!  The family time was great all around, and when we left that night I felt like the day couldn't have gone much better.  And even though coming back late at night is tiring, it was worth it to be home and have a fresh start on Friday morning!

After some in-bed Black Friday shopping, I started in on decorating.  Well, actually, I cheated a bit and put up my little tree in the dining room on Wednesday.  Just the tree, no decorations.  I figured it was out of the way enough and would save me some time and grief on Friday if I could get it up early, since I had to configure the branches a little funky to fit properly in that corner.  It ended up being one of my first completed projects on Friday, along with cleaning toys and moving furniture.  I had set aside all of my angel ornaments last year in a separate bin to make them my first theme tree.  It was actually really easy to just open them up and hang them one after another, and this was the (almost final) result.  I found a few more angels in the rest of the ornaments that I must have forgotten to set aside.

I absolutely love the final product.  I love the colored lights for a change and it's fun to see all of my angels--most from my mom's annual gifts, some from other gifts--all in one place.  And I'm pretty partial to my new Capiz shell tree topper.  I might use it on the main tree next year!  I love that I've had this tree for 19 years now and after 11 years of non-use since we got our current tree, it finally has made a reappearance.  I still can't believe it was my bargain $20 tree (can't find a tree that good for even double that now) that I decorated for about $10 that first year on my own.  I didn't have my ornaments available, so it was just lights, beaded garland, homemade red bows, and a glittered sheet of fake snow as the tree skirt.

As for the other tree, I had a lot of toys to sort through in order to move them out of the far corner of the living room so the recliner could move there and the new chair could move into the recliner's spot, which would open up space for the tree.  I made the best of it and moved a few things downstairs (including our old ottoman, to move the coffee table into that spot, and a handful of lesser used toys), and brought up the tree.  A 15-minute process to assemble it turned into a couple hours of misery, as each section had lights out.  This tree is not supposed to have lights go out.  It's like it hit its 12th year and freaked out!  Usually a string out means that a light is loose, and I managed to fix a section or two by checking each light.  But then I got higher up in the tree and no matter how many lights I checked, nothing worked.  All I can figure is that the one non-replaceable fuse light in two spots went out, which essentially kills the string.  Even though I've been eyeing up new trees for a couple years, it still bummed me out that my pretty tree wasn't really fixable.  Frustrated, I dragged the kids to Lowe's to look at trees, and only found one decent one, but it was sold out.  We came back home and I spent the afternoon very grumpy.  I blame the steroids.  I tried to take a nap since I didn't feel like decorating at all, but eventually gave up since the kids kept bugging me.  I dragged myself downstairs to pull out the bins and get started on everything else, since I knew I'd regret it if the weekend ended and I wasn't done.  The season is short enough this year with the late Thanksgiving.  By Friday night I had most of the décor up, and on Saturday I rigged up some strings of white lights to cover the sections that were out.  It's not ideal, but it works.  After that I dragged the boys off to three places to look at more trees.  We found an intriguing one at Home Depot.  It's not my ideal branch style, but the light functions were amazing, so it's definitely on the list and I could definitely be happy with it.  I know Lowe's has a couple possibilities that weren't in the store (but I'm hoping they might restock post-Black Friday), so I just need to consider my options over these next few weeks and hope my chosen one doesn't go out of stock permanently.  I finished the rest of the tree today, and now all of the decorations look lovely and all feels right with the world again.

As I mentioned, Craig has been working a lot as the Knighthawks' season officially started last night.  It was especially tough this week with the kids off school and having a lot of time at home.  I'm pretty sure they're sick of seeing me, that's for sure.  Late nights, busy evenings, long weekends...it's been a haul.  I remind them it could always be worse because they could have a parent who is deployed for months or who works even worse hours compared to their schedule.  But it's still hard.  After a few weeks of training camp, the home opener was last night.

Admittedly it was a little weird to have a new team.  The old players are in Halifax and the old team colors are no more.  The atmosphere was different, and it all felt a little foreign despite familiar faces around the building, but I think eventually it will feel more normal.  It didn't help that they had a rough start, losing 14-4.  Expansion is tough.  However, I had the pleasure of sitting by Casey Zaph, a former Knighthawk from my sports days.  He was a gritty little player whose career was cut short by a brain bleed.  Recovery was long, but he's doing well now and it was a pleasure to chat with him as we suffered through a tough game.  I miss the days of his type of hard-nosed play--he was hoping for a brawl to shake the team up, which was exactly how he was as a player--but lacrosse is definitely a different game now, much like hockey has lost its rougher edge.  It was fun while it lasted, and thinking of his era's teams, it made me even more wistful for the old days.  Despite the tough start, at least the season is underway and Craig's schedule will get a bit more predictable.  He actually has the next two weekends off, which will be nice.  I'm dreading his first road trip, though, since it's the weekend before Christmas!

I have so much to do in the next three and a half weeks, and every time one of the kids talks about wishing Christmas was here sooner or how it's just three and a half weeks away, I freak out.  I have so many presents to buy and so few ideas (as always) and it never feels like it will get done.  It's weird because I was so eager for Christmas season to get here, given how late Thanksgiving was, and now that it's here I'm sort of like, wait, how'd it get here already?  It's December, for goodness sake!  We have lots of basketball coming up on weekends (along with a birthday party next weekend), practices during the week, and a couple other appointments to remember this week.  It basically tells me I'm not getting much done, so I'm going to have to find creative ways to chip away at the list.  I know I need to try to love this time--and I do--but the stress always challenges me.  And since I'm fresh off being sick for weeks on end, I don't want to get run down again.  I know the kids are excited, and I am too, but getting on a roll with Christmas always seems to take forever and I can't afford to let that happen this time.  Time to get organized and get this show on the road!  It's Christmastime, after all!