Parenting is Hard

Yesterday I got chatting with a co-worker, and we were talking about kids' (and our) ever-present sickness in the winter.  That transitioned into her asking about sleep training, as it sounds like her six-month-old is waking up at night and it's getting exhausting.  I told her about how Jacob would wake up every night for a solid couple weeks, usually just around the time a tooth was popping through, and how it nearly made me crazy.  It brought to mind the many nights I was awkwardly slumped around the crib just so I could keep a hand on him so he knew I was there and wouldn't cry.  I had those nights with Carter, too, but far fewer.  Hard to believe those nights with Jacob are now 10+ years in our rear view mirror.  It's crazy.

As I was talking about it I admitted that I don't miss those kind of struggles at all.  I mean, I see babies now and love holding them and seeing their goofy grins.  It's the sweetest time when you have a baby that thinks you're the coolest person ever.  Those morning crib smiles, their face at daycare pickup, the sweetness as they drift off to sleep in your arms...all of it is awesome.  But it comes with some heavy baggage and I don't miss the angst of trying to figure out what to do with this tiny human who has very inconvenient (but very real) wants and needs that I feel inadequate at handling.  It's exhausting, though I'd venture it's more on the physical side than anything else in those early years.  The sleepless nights, physical body changes and hormone surges, and the sheer arm strength it takes to haul a baby everywhere or rock them endlessly--I think the physical challenge of that time just made the mental struggles even harder.  It's difficult to be clear-headed and logical when you're tired, and it literally took parenthood to teach me that.

Nowadays, the struggle feels far more mental to me.  Yes, there's the physical toll of shuttling kids around and keeping the closets and pantry stocked (gone are the days of one trip to Wegmans per week).  But the problems are much more complex in nature.  I don't miss trying to figure out what to do with a sick baby (although big kids have those moments, too) because that seemed life-and-death agonizing at the time, but now the problems are a bit more subtle yet ultimately just as impactful on your child's quality of life.  How do you teach them to manage school work and schedules?  How do you help them navigate dicey and difficult tween-to-teenage friendships (or even romances)?  How do you help them come to grips with pressures and tolerating unenjoyable things, particularly in this modern society where true boredom is halfway extinct thanks to the immediate gratification of electronic devices?  These are important life skills, much like learning to feed yourself or use the potty, but the how-to is so much more complex and usually there's no easy, one-size-fits-all answer.

After thinking about it more, I decided that God probably made parenting hard by design.  I mean, maybe it only goes back to the fall of Adam and Eve, and prior to that it was supposed to be easy and rewarding all the time, but I do think it makes sense that it's hard.  First of all, if it was easy, everyone would do it and we'd probably have a lot of overpopulation (and still somehow some extra terrible parents).  Second, would it even be rewarding if it's not hard?  Sure, we'd enjoy the good moments just fine, but doesn't the sweet baby smile feel so much better after rocking them through a miserable night?  And doesn't it probably make older parents even happier to see their kids become solid, functional adults after all those years of hard work?  The hard stuff makes you appreciate the good stuff even more, and if you can take a bit of credit for it, that's a bonus.

But you know the third thing I realized?  It would be seriously boring if it was easy.  If you knew how to raise a baby up through a teenager the second the baby was born, what point would there be in that?  The adventure is half the fun, at least once you're past the hard moments.  And similarly, thank goodness kids' problems evolve over the years, because I really wouldn't still want to be figuring out how to manage potty training or sleep training 10 years later.  The problems may get harder, but at least they're different problems and we're not constantly trying to solve the same one (well, unless it's my kids fighting--that may never end).  I can only take so much "Groundhog Day" in my life.

Having to evolve with their problems also helps us evolve as people.  It makes us creative and resourceful, and also sometimes makes us reflect on our own lives and choices in a way we wouldn't without kids.  When you have to teach a child the right way to do something, you may realize you're not really doing it right yourself.  Whether it's how you treat people, or how to keep a neat house, or how to reach for your dreams, I think going through these processes with your kids gives you a different perspective and it can actually help you catch some of your own shortcomings.  Without all that evolution, wouldn't parenting seem sort of, well...empty?

So, like I said, I think parenthood--hard parts and all--is divinely designed--as purposefully ordained as the very creation of that baby itself.  Without all of the twists and turns, it just wouldn't be the same type of life-changing experience it is.  I do wish we were all better at it and that it wasn't so hard sometimes, but I have a feeling we're all right where we need to be with it.  It's not supposed to be easy.  It's supposed to be hard work that's rewarding in the end.  And never a dull moment, that's for sure!