A Brighter December

Ahhhh, December.  Here we are, one week in.  I'm not quite in panic mode yet, but everything's going too quickly, as usual.  On the bright side, the annoying amount of snow we've received so far this season (27 inches, to lead New York state's major cities) has made things feel very Christmasy.  So much of it has fallen in such a way that trees have been staying pretty covered, so everything looks picture perfect all the time.  It's pretty impressive and does wonders for the Christmas spirit when I'm listening to Christmas music in the car or looking out the window.  Heck, yesterday I took a day off of work--originally it was to go to the funeral home for my great aunt, though when it snowed (again) I decided driving to Buffalo probably wasn't the best idea, so I just stayed home and got things done instead.  I spent part of the day just lounging on the couch and watching a seasonally appropriate--though not Christmas-themed--movie, which felt even better with it snowing like crazy outside.  It was very relaxing with the tree on and getting all cozy on the new furniture (which I love, if I haven't mentioned it).  I keep trying to remind myself how quickly this time always passes, so any little low-stress bits I can soak up are good.

I know I've mentioned before that November is one of my least favorite months.  That period between Halloween and Thanksgiving tends to drag a bit, and all of the anxiety of the coming Christmas season builds, but I feel like there isn't much I can do about it, mostly because we don't have lists to shop from yet or anything like that.  We have to slog through three or more weeks of work and school before we finally get to a fabulous day of food, a few days off, and the official beginning of Christmas.  It's a lot of anticipation, and some years are more challenging than others.  Being sick this year didn't help.

I think I've also discussed before how I sometimes feel like the very difficult November when I was pregnant with Jacob still tends to cast a shadow over that time.  That year I was wrestling with a lot of emotions--not just the usual blahs when it's darker earlier and the colder weather sets in--but dealing with pregnancy-induced nausea and fatigue, and all of the uncertainty about whether the pregnancy would stick.  I found it really hard to live a sort of double life with not being able to tell people what was going on, and having to act normal when I felt sick and my mind was constantly distracted.  All of it was so hard.  But thinking back, while November felt so dark and difficult, I don't have the same feeling about December, even though not much changed when the calendar flipped.  All I can figure is that little by little, bright spots emerged.

First, we told a couple people our news, which took the edge off the secrecy a bit.  Then, 12 years ago today, we got an ultrasound.  Prior to that, we actually had no idea how far along I was.  We had no idea when I actually got pregnant given the odd timing around my cycle, so going in we had no idea what to expect.  When that image flashed up on the screen, my jaw dropped.  It was a real baby with identifiable parts--not just an amoeba-like blob on the screen.  I was a full 10 weeks along, and just seeing him move his little arms and legs left me stunned.  I was excited, no doubt, but simply shocked.  It made it all very real!

Of course, at that point we realized that we were so far along we almost could have told people at Thanksgiving, but now we were stuck waiting until Christmas because we were leaving for Disney in three days and wouldn't have a chance to see our families in person until the holidays.  Knowing I had that developed of a baby in my belly also complicated the Disney trip a bit, because I made the call to not ride any thrill rides for fear I'd miscarry while we were there.  But the good news was that we'd have a great week-long distraction!  That trip definitely brightened my mood, not just because we had a blast, but because the second we landed in Florida, my nausea and fatigue went away for good!  I felt fabulous on that trip.  I hadn't been to Disney in 20 years, and it felt like a dream come true!

Despite all of the holiday prep that inevitably waited for me when we got home with only a week until Christmas, that trip was such a wonderful way to move through December.  I still look back on it so fondly--and not just because it's the last time we went on an extended trip alone together!

Anyway, all of that popped into my head the other day when I realized how much happier the beginning of December was that year, even though so much was still so secretive and I was still pretty nervous about everything.  It's amazing what little things can do to change your perspective.

So, in the spirit of that happy December, I'm trying to stay positive for this one.  We're making a lot of progress on gift buying (thought we need to stay vigilant!) and some of the fun events of the season are coming up rapidly.  I know I need to savor this time because it will be over before we know it and then the slog of the post-Christmas winter will be upon us.  Despite the stress, this is the fun stuff.