So....today was Jacob's parent-teacher conference at school. Given the results of his first report card (good academically, bad behaviorally), I knew it would be a rough meeting. We were there for a good 45 minutes, discussing and rehashing all of the stuff we've been dealing with for the past three months. What we deal with at home is far worse than what they deal with at school, but at school there are 20 other kids to manage at any given time so it's significantly more complicated when you have a child that needs guidance every step of the way.
And that, I suppose, is the overriding issue at school. At home we deal with violence and complete disregard for whatever we tell him. At school he just cannot stay on task. We deal with that at home, as well, of course, but at school where the structure is so important, it is impossible. The usual morning tasks that take most kids 5-10 minutes takes Jacob a full half hour if the teacher isn't on him every step of the way. He then misses out on drawing and writing in his journal like his classmates. Projects that take his friends 30 minutes to do stretch across days with him. Part of the issue is that he gets distracted. The other part is that he gets so tied up in the details that he can't focus on the important stuff. He will draw a scarily realistic depiction of a basketball court, but by the time he's done with that, he's blown all the time that he was supposed to spend writing about it. On top of it, he usually distracts his friends by singing or talking, and lately he's gotten a little disrespectful when he's asked to stop.
They've tried a lot of the usual tricks to keep him on task. They have pictures of each morning task so he knows what order they go in. They've tried a "cardboard office" where they put up a barrier to give him his own space, and they've tried putting him at a desk in the corner with less distractions. Nothing works. On one had I feel their pain. We've tried everything, too. But on the other hand I'm frustrated because they've collectively dealt with a heck of a lot more kids than we have. There has to be some kid out there that was more distracted than Jacob, and there has to be something they tried for them that worked eventually. Or maybe he's just that special.
They talked about some other things to try--for example, giving him a tangible way to mark off when he's done with a task (like Velcro pictures or marking it off with a dry erase marker) or setting up rewards (game/TV time) when he completes tasks successfully. We can certainly institute those at home, as well, but my caveat every time someone recommends any sort of chart or reward is that when he gets in one of his moods, nothing sways him. No matter how many times we tell him in the morning that the sooner he gets ready, the more time he'll have to play, it doesn't motivate him to stay on task...so will a series of tangible checkmarks to "earn" the playtime do it? No idea. We can try.
I do wonder a bit if all that they're asking of him is intimidating him. They're trying to have these kids try to write sentences when they're still learning to sound out words. He's not very good at it, in case you're wondering, and I have to guess that for a detailed perfectionist like him, it might drive him nuts to the point he doesn't even want to try. That's just a guess, but even his teacher admitted that they're asking a lot of the kids these days.
I know that it's very hard for me to know how to work with him, because school came naturally to me. I did have to study to do well, but I'd guess that my retention with what I did was better than average. So to have a kid that can't focus and doesn't love school, it's really hard for me to know how to manage that. We also don't have a lot of time in the day to try to make things fun. I feel completely stuck on that front, because obviously we both have to work. I'm feeling very frustrated with this whole situation and I'm just not sure where we go from here. There are so many things that need fixing, and no good answers yet. Oh, the school psychologist did call today and say she started evaluating him yesterday. She enjoyed her time with him and he's scoring well on everything she's done so far. The speech pathologist that we talked to today said the same. There's no question he's smart and very verbal, but the challenge is channeling all of that into something productive and efficient.
I won't lie, it's getting hard hearing the same story over and over again. So much potential, so little action. My heart is just breaking because I don't know how to help him, and he can't seem to help himself. We just have to keep trying. We don't have a choice. But this is, by far, the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I don't know how I'm going to keep going. I will, but only with God's help, I guess. Prayers, please...
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Thanksgiving in Review
I've been trying to write this post for at least three days now. I'm either too busy or too tired to finish it each time, but hopefully today will be the day...
We certainly had an eventful Thanksgiving weekend. Wednesday during the day we went to Jacob's Thanksgiving feast at daycare, since he was off school. I brought a few gluten-free accoutrements to replace the things he couldn't eat--stuffing, rolls, and gravy--which worked out well. We managed to get all packed up that night and head to Buffalo right around bedtime for the boys, so they got some sleep on the way there and settled in pretty well at Craig's parents once we got there. We had a comfortably lazy morning before heading over to Craig's brother's house in the early afternoon. We snacked, watched some football, and played with Carter before eating closer to dinnertime. I tried to help prepare the food a bit, but Carter is going through a mommy phase right now and would not stop crying (whether he could see me or not) until I was holding him. So I'd do what I could while he was distracted, hold him for a bit, and repeat it the next time someone wanted to hold him.
Our dinner was a fantastic and mostly gluten-free affair. While there were a couple gluten-filled items, there were gluten-free substitutes. Cornbread stuffing, gluten-free drop biscuits, gluten-free gravy, and lots of naturally gluten-free items as well. Dessert was much the same, with some layered rainbow jello, apple and cherry pies with gluten-free crusts, and a yummy gluten-free Oreo pie as well. Everything was delicious. We had a pleasant evening and then headed back to get some sleep and check in on Black Friday online shopping (not successful).
We left late Friday morning and had a late lunch at home. I took down all of my fall decorations, made up some Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner, and made popcorn for movie night. I didn't get nearly as much done as I would have liked, though.
Saturday morning was equally low key in that the kids and I were in our pajamas until at least 11am. Craig had an event to go to at 11, Jacob was content watching TV and messing around with coloring and hockey tape (don't ask), and Carter went down for a great morning nap. During that time I managed to get a lot of the Christmas decorations up from the crawl space and scattered around the house. I also got the tree out, but it sat undecorated for a couple days. If it wasn't pre-lit, it wouldn't have had lights either. When Carter got up from his nap, the boys and I went out to run a few errands. I stopped to get a pair of boots I'd been eyeing up for a while (a very good sale), then we went to the dollar store to pick up some supplies for a couple projects Jacob needed to do for school. We got a note home before Thanksgiving that each kid needed to contribute a decoration for their door, as well as a stocking to hang by the classroom "fireplace". UGH. I mean, it's fine...but I hate projects that end up being more work for the parents than the kids. And with Jacob, everything is a battle so I knew it would be a bit of a long haul. Still, we managed to come to some fairly quick agreements and escaped with only having to spend a few bucks. Our final stop was Lowe's, where I needed to get desperately overdue filters for our refrigerator and furnace, as well as some replacement nuts and bolts to fix our broken kitchen drawer. The wheel that keeps it on a track came unscrewed from the drawer, and the screws would no longer hold it in. After wracking my brain for a while I realized that screws with nuts to hold them on would work, so I just needed to get a couple of those. And yes, it worked. Go me.
We went home, and all my productivity vanished into a frustrating evening. We found out that Craig's Nana was in the hospital and not doing well, so we concluded that it was important that we go visit her on Sunday. We're happy to do it, of course, under those circumstances in particular, but it definitely dashed my hopes for a productive yet restful last day of the long weekend. On top of that, Jacob (who had been rather cooperative for most of the day) turned back into a maniac. I didn't know what to make for dinner, and reluctantly settled on breakfast for dinner. I've been doing it a lot these days and it seems like a total cop-out, but it's so easy to make gluten-free pancakes or waffles and some eggs. I got more of my decorating done, and spent the rest of the night working with Jacob on his school projects. We got the body and face of his hockey-playing snowman decoration done--posterboard and glitter glue--and set aside to dry. I wrote Jacob's name on his dollar store stocking, also with glitter glue, and set that aside.
Sunday I felt compelled to get up and go to church despite our busy day ahead, if only because it was the first practice for the Sunday School Christmas program. They pretty much only have two, so that was important. Not that Jacob usually participates willingly, but it's worth a shot. We came home, had a quick early lunch, fed Carter, and got on the road to Buffalo. Both kids slept along the way and we arrived at the hospital around 3:30 thanks to some really bad traffic on the way in. Craig's brother's family arrived shortly thereafter and we took turns going up to visit Nana so someone was still down to watch the kids. It was great to see her, and by the time we got there she was doing better. What they thought was an intestinal blockage possibly wasn't, and they were hopeful that antibiotics would do the trick. If she would have needed surgery it would have been devastating, as she's 94 and her heart isn't particularly strong. We originally thought as we were going there that it might be the last time we saw her, but the prognosis has gotten better over the last couple days so we're hopeful she'll pull through. Still, it was good to see her and talk to her, and it definitely meant a lot to her that we came.
We decided to eat dinner at the hospital before returning home, mostly because there was a conveniently located Mighty Taco in the lobby! Mighty Taco has a great gluten-free menu. In fact, the only alteration to what Jacob normally eats there is a corn shell instead of a flour tortilla. It does make me a little nervous with all of those flour tortillas lying around, because cross-contamination would be easy, but they make a pretty big deal about their gluten-free menu so I'm hoping that means they take it seriously. It was nice to have a "normal" meal out, and we headed back home with some evening time to spare. Jacob and I spent most of it working on his school projects again. I let him loose on his stocking with the glitter glue, and we were lucky to have it 99% dry yesterday morning (36 hours later!) when he had to take it in. He did a great job, though. I forgot to take a picture, but maybe I'll post one after he gets it back after the holiday.
The bigger challenge was his snowman. The assignment was to create a Christmas/winter-themed decoration for the classroom door. Jacob wanted to do a snowman, and he wanted it to play hockey. Ok, that seemed doable. The assignment gave suggestions on materials people have used, and I decided a trip to the dollar store was in order. We bought posterboard, googly eyes, glitter glue, and craft foam. We had originally intended on using cotton balls, too, but we forgot about that until it was too late...same with the googly eyes! Jacob had a lot of ideas about how he wanted to do it--including real sticks for the arms. It turned out that the real sticks worked well, but then he wanted to make a hockey stick out of the sticks, too, but that just didn't go well. But he fought us on it for quite a while. I think he's got this thing where he can totally see something (that a certain outfit makes him look like a sports guy, for example), but he can't understand that no one else will see it that way. Our big concern was that no one would know that it was a hockey stick. Same for when he tried to make a goalie mask out of the foam, which pretty much just covered the entire face. Or when he wanted to add a chin strap and it looked really strange. It took a lot of convincing, but eventually we found acceptable other suggestions and let him do a lot of the execution. I tried to only step in when a step had been going on for far too long or if a screw-up would have messed up everything to the point we'd have to start over. I helped do the arms (since it took some engineering), did the nose (since it was a mix of two colors of glitter glue), connected the stick to the arms (again, engineering), and did the skate blade glitter and some of the cutting around the skates (since we had to cut before glittering and Jacob couldn't quite visualize leaving space for it). But he did the vast majority and we were thrilled with how it turned out:
So, it was a busy weekend and this week hasn't slowed down. Craig has a busy week and I haven't been feeling well, and I feel like there are a million things I need to be doing to get ready for Christmas. At the same time, Carter is getting to be very active and will not sit still for anything (or be far from me for long), so it's hard to get anything done. Oh, and Monday night as I was playing with him, I thought I heard him grind his teeth--which is impossible with only bottom teeth--so I felt around, and sure enough, one of his top teeth is coming in! The other one doesn't look far behind, and I think I can even see another couple looking like they're coming soon! What happened to my baby?! Oh, and he's totally pulling himself up now, and this morning Craig put him in his crib for a minute and came back in to find him standing up! I've already moved the mattress down once and I don't see him going all gymnast on us anytime soon, but the final mattress move is coming sooner than we thought! He's getting to be a major handful, which is a little frustrating at times, but he's still darn cute...
We also started putting a half scoop of sensitive formula into his bottles last weekend, and so far he seems to be tolerating it, which bodes well for dairy. I bought some of those yogurt melt things last night so we can try that, as I'm having major anxiety about his ability to do solid table foods at his age and his rice intolerance makes finding suitable foods difficult. We seem to be upping his food intake a lot now (usually an entire jar of food and some oatmeal at each meal), and last night I gave him a couple Cheerios, which he successfully ate without choking. He even got one in his mouth by himself!
Ok, one more story from the weekend. I happened to put up the tree and lighted garland during Carter's nap on Saturday, and I was interested to see his reaction when he woke up. I carried him out of his room and his eyes instantly went to the tree. He stared at it for a few seconds, unsure of what he was seeing. Then a coy little smile popped out with a little grunt/guffaw he's been doing lately when he's amused by something. He's been staring at it (and crawling toward it) a lot ever since. I was trying to get a good picture of his fascination, but between him moving and his short attention span, this was the best I got. I know it's blurry, but I just love the sweet look on his face...and you still can't beat those cheeks!
So, yeah, things are a little crazy. But we're swimming along...
We certainly had an eventful Thanksgiving weekend. Wednesday during the day we went to Jacob's Thanksgiving feast at daycare, since he was off school. I brought a few gluten-free accoutrements to replace the things he couldn't eat--stuffing, rolls, and gravy--which worked out well. We managed to get all packed up that night and head to Buffalo right around bedtime for the boys, so they got some sleep on the way there and settled in pretty well at Craig's parents once we got there. We had a comfortably lazy morning before heading over to Craig's brother's house in the early afternoon. We snacked, watched some football, and played with Carter before eating closer to dinnertime. I tried to help prepare the food a bit, but Carter is going through a mommy phase right now and would not stop crying (whether he could see me or not) until I was holding him. So I'd do what I could while he was distracted, hold him for a bit, and repeat it the next time someone wanted to hold him.
Our dinner was a fantastic and mostly gluten-free affair. While there were a couple gluten-filled items, there were gluten-free substitutes. Cornbread stuffing, gluten-free drop biscuits, gluten-free gravy, and lots of naturally gluten-free items as well. Dessert was much the same, with some layered rainbow jello, apple and cherry pies with gluten-free crusts, and a yummy gluten-free Oreo pie as well. Everything was delicious. We had a pleasant evening and then headed back to get some sleep and check in on Black Friday online shopping (not successful).
We left late Friday morning and had a late lunch at home. I took down all of my fall decorations, made up some Thanksgiving leftovers for dinner, and made popcorn for movie night. I didn't get nearly as much done as I would have liked, though.
Saturday morning was equally low key in that the kids and I were in our pajamas until at least 11am. Craig had an event to go to at 11, Jacob was content watching TV and messing around with coloring and hockey tape (don't ask), and Carter went down for a great morning nap. During that time I managed to get a lot of the Christmas decorations up from the crawl space and scattered around the house. I also got the tree out, but it sat undecorated for a couple days. If it wasn't pre-lit, it wouldn't have had lights either. When Carter got up from his nap, the boys and I went out to run a few errands. I stopped to get a pair of boots I'd been eyeing up for a while (a very good sale), then we went to the dollar store to pick up some supplies for a couple projects Jacob needed to do for school. We got a note home before Thanksgiving that each kid needed to contribute a decoration for their door, as well as a stocking to hang by the classroom "fireplace". UGH. I mean, it's fine...but I hate projects that end up being more work for the parents than the kids. And with Jacob, everything is a battle so I knew it would be a bit of a long haul. Still, we managed to come to some fairly quick agreements and escaped with only having to spend a few bucks. Our final stop was Lowe's, where I needed to get desperately overdue filters for our refrigerator and furnace, as well as some replacement nuts and bolts to fix our broken kitchen drawer. The wheel that keeps it on a track came unscrewed from the drawer, and the screws would no longer hold it in. After wracking my brain for a while I realized that screws with nuts to hold them on would work, so I just needed to get a couple of those. And yes, it worked. Go me.
We went home, and all my productivity vanished into a frustrating evening. We found out that Craig's Nana was in the hospital and not doing well, so we concluded that it was important that we go visit her on Sunday. We're happy to do it, of course, under those circumstances in particular, but it definitely dashed my hopes for a productive yet restful last day of the long weekend. On top of that, Jacob (who had been rather cooperative for most of the day) turned back into a maniac. I didn't know what to make for dinner, and reluctantly settled on breakfast for dinner. I've been doing it a lot these days and it seems like a total cop-out, but it's so easy to make gluten-free pancakes or waffles and some eggs. I got more of my decorating done, and spent the rest of the night working with Jacob on his school projects. We got the body and face of his hockey-playing snowman decoration done--posterboard and glitter glue--and set aside to dry. I wrote Jacob's name on his dollar store stocking, also with glitter glue, and set that aside.
Sunday I felt compelled to get up and go to church despite our busy day ahead, if only because it was the first practice for the Sunday School Christmas program. They pretty much only have two, so that was important. Not that Jacob usually participates willingly, but it's worth a shot. We came home, had a quick early lunch, fed Carter, and got on the road to Buffalo. Both kids slept along the way and we arrived at the hospital around 3:30 thanks to some really bad traffic on the way in. Craig's brother's family arrived shortly thereafter and we took turns going up to visit Nana so someone was still down to watch the kids. It was great to see her, and by the time we got there she was doing better. What they thought was an intestinal blockage possibly wasn't, and they were hopeful that antibiotics would do the trick. If she would have needed surgery it would have been devastating, as she's 94 and her heart isn't particularly strong. We originally thought as we were going there that it might be the last time we saw her, but the prognosis has gotten better over the last couple days so we're hopeful she'll pull through. Still, it was good to see her and talk to her, and it definitely meant a lot to her that we came.
We decided to eat dinner at the hospital before returning home, mostly because there was a conveniently located Mighty Taco in the lobby! Mighty Taco has a great gluten-free menu. In fact, the only alteration to what Jacob normally eats there is a corn shell instead of a flour tortilla. It does make me a little nervous with all of those flour tortillas lying around, because cross-contamination would be easy, but they make a pretty big deal about their gluten-free menu so I'm hoping that means they take it seriously. It was nice to have a "normal" meal out, and we headed back home with some evening time to spare. Jacob and I spent most of it working on his school projects again. I let him loose on his stocking with the glitter glue, and we were lucky to have it 99% dry yesterday morning (36 hours later!) when he had to take it in. He did a great job, though. I forgot to take a picture, but maybe I'll post one after he gets it back after the holiday.
The bigger challenge was his snowman. The assignment was to create a Christmas/winter-themed decoration for the classroom door. Jacob wanted to do a snowman, and he wanted it to play hockey. Ok, that seemed doable. The assignment gave suggestions on materials people have used, and I decided a trip to the dollar store was in order. We bought posterboard, googly eyes, glitter glue, and craft foam. We had originally intended on using cotton balls, too, but we forgot about that until it was too late...same with the googly eyes! Jacob had a lot of ideas about how he wanted to do it--including real sticks for the arms. It turned out that the real sticks worked well, but then he wanted to make a hockey stick out of the sticks, too, but that just didn't go well. But he fought us on it for quite a while. I think he's got this thing where he can totally see something (that a certain outfit makes him look like a sports guy, for example), but he can't understand that no one else will see it that way. Our big concern was that no one would know that it was a hockey stick. Same for when he tried to make a goalie mask out of the foam, which pretty much just covered the entire face. Or when he wanted to add a chin strap and it looked really strange. It took a lot of convincing, but eventually we found acceptable other suggestions and let him do a lot of the execution. I tried to only step in when a step had been going on for far too long or if a screw-up would have messed up everything to the point we'd have to start over. I helped do the arms (since it took some engineering), did the nose (since it was a mix of two colors of glitter glue), connected the stick to the arms (again, engineering), and did the skate blade glitter and some of the cutting around the skates (since we had to cut before glittering and Jacob couldn't quite visualize leaving space for it). But he did the vast majority and we were thrilled with how it turned out:
 |
| Success! |
So, it was a busy weekend and this week hasn't slowed down. Craig has a busy week and I haven't been feeling well, and I feel like there are a million things I need to be doing to get ready for Christmas. At the same time, Carter is getting to be very active and will not sit still for anything (or be far from me for long), so it's hard to get anything done. Oh, and Monday night as I was playing with him, I thought I heard him grind his teeth--which is impossible with only bottom teeth--so I felt around, and sure enough, one of his top teeth is coming in! The other one doesn't look far behind, and I think I can even see another couple looking like they're coming soon! What happened to my baby?! Oh, and he's totally pulling himself up now, and this morning Craig put him in his crib for a minute and came back in to find him standing up! I've already moved the mattress down once and I don't see him going all gymnast on us anytime soon, but the final mattress move is coming sooner than we thought! He's getting to be a major handful, which is a little frustrating at times, but he's still darn cute...
We also started putting a half scoop of sensitive formula into his bottles last weekend, and so far he seems to be tolerating it, which bodes well for dairy. I bought some of those yogurt melt things last night so we can try that, as I'm having major anxiety about his ability to do solid table foods at his age and his rice intolerance makes finding suitable foods difficult. We seem to be upping his food intake a lot now (usually an entire jar of food and some oatmeal at each meal), and last night I gave him a couple Cheerios, which he successfully ate without choking. He even got one in his mouth by himself!
Ok, one more story from the weekend. I happened to put up the tree and lighted garland during Carter's nap on Saturday, and I was interested to see his reaction when he woke up. I carried him out of his room and his eyes instantly went to the tree. He stared at it for a few seconds, unsure of what he was seeing. Then a coy little smile popped out with a little grunt/guffaw he's been doing lately when he's amused by something. He's been staring at it (and crawling toward it) a lot ever since. I was trying to get a good picture of his fascination, but between him moving and his short attention span, this was the best I got. I know it's blurry, but I just love the sweet look on his face...and you still can't beat those cheeks!
 |
| Oh, that face... |
Thursday, November 28, 2013
Thoughts on Thanksgiving
I won't lie, there have been times this Thanksgiving that I've had trouble being thankful. I know full well that I am blessed beyond belief. I have a fantastic extended family (both sides), a loving husband, two kids, a beautiful (albeit messy) house, a good job, and a relatively comfortable lifestyle. We got a nearly free trip to Disney this year. Carter is the best baby I could have asked for. We live in a place generally devoid of natural disasters (though the lake effect snow falling outside right now is a little more intense than I'd like for November). My parents' 43rd wedding anniversary is today. They're spending it in Portland with John and his family, so while I didn't get to see them, I'm happy their other grandkids are getting the chance to spend the holiday with their only grandparents. We are so fortunate. I know that.
But it's been a tough year, no doubt. Carter's birth was by far the highlight, but between a tough end to my pregnancy, the angst over stopping breastfeeding, Jacob's behavior and Celiac diagnosis, Carter's rice intolerance, and Craig's dad's open heart surgery, this year has been one challenge after another. So while I know we have so much to be thankful for, the issues we've been going through have taken a little of the joy out of our day-to-day existence. Nothing seems easy anymore. Even something as simple as going out to dinner is a challenge now, for multiple reasons. The new diet hasn't really helped Jacob's behavior, and we haven't made a lot of progress using other means. Carter's intolerance being of the very thing that we're eating a lot of these days has not helped my stress level at all. I feel like a lot of things in our lives are out of sync, and I just don't know how to fix them.
It's not that I'm not thankful--I am--but all that we're dealing with has sucked a lot of the joy and simplicity out of our daily lives. Thanksgiving is a lovely holiday, but there are so many things that we're harder about today because of Jacob's issues. On top of it Carter had a rare bad day today--guessing it's either teeth or his lack of poop--so there were a lot of things on my mind this holiday. I know my stress level won't be going down anytime soon, either, because my long to do list just got doubled with all of the Christmas decorating and shopping to come. I'm tired, and it's not going to get any better anytime soon.
Still, I know we're blessed. I'm thankful that Craig's Nana made it to this Thanksgiving, and that I could capture this picture a couple weeks ago:
Despite my annoying with the snow and the danger it poses, it was truly beautiful out my office window yesterday.
And, of course, I love my kids, even if I don't always know how best to manage them. This little Indian boggles my mind in so many ways every day.
We have so much to appreciate this Thanksgiving, but that's not going to stop me from wishing for a Christmas miracle. We need one in the worst way. God has been good, but I miss our sense of pure joy.
Happy Thanksgiving to our family and friends out there. May this year give you many things to be thankful for. And us, too.
But it's been a tough year, no doubt. Carter's birth was by far the highlight, but between a tough end to my pregnancy, the angst over stopping breastfeeding, Jacob's behavior and Celiac diagnosis, Carter's rice intolerance, and Craig's dad's open heart surgery, this year has been one challenge after another. So while I know we have so much to be thankful for, the issues we've been going through have taken a little of the joy out of our day-to-day existence. Nothing seems easy anymore. Even something as simple as going out to dinner is a challenge now, for multiple reasons. The new diet hasn't really helped Jacob's behavior, and we haven't made a lot of progress using other means. Carter's intolerance being of the very thing that we're eating a lot of these days has not helped my stress level at all. I feel like a lot of things in our lives are out of sync, and I just don't know how to fix them.
It's not that I'm not thankful--I am--but all that we're dealing with has sucked a lot of the joy and simplicity out of our daily lives. Thanksgiving is a lovely holiday, but there are so many things that we're harder about today because of Jacob's issues. On top of it Carter had a rare bad day today--guessing it's either teeth or his lack of poop--so there were a lot of things on my mind this holiday. I know my stress level won't be going down anytime soon, either, because my long to do list just got doubled with all of the Christmas decorating and shopping to come. I'm tired, and it's not going to get any better anytime soon.
Still, I know we're blessed. I'm thankful that Craig's Nana made it to this Thanksgiving, and that I could capture this picture a couple weeks ago:
Despite my annoying with the snow and the danger it poses, it was truly beautiful out my office window yesterday.
And, of course, I love my kids, even if I don't always know how best to manage them. This little Indian boggles my mind in so many ways every day.
We have so much to appreciate this Thanksgiving, but that's not going to stop me from wishing for a Christmas miracle. We need one in the worst way. God has been good, but I miss our sense of pure joy.
Happy Thanksgiving to our family and friends out there. May this year give you many things to be thankful for. And us, too.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Handful
So...I knew it was coming, but I hoped it wouldn't happen quite yet. My perfect, sweet little Carter is suddenly a major handful. I think we've got a few things going on right now, actually, and it's making him much higher maintenance than he used to be. That said, he's still sweet, perfect, and adorable...and far easier than your average baby, but still, he's a handful.
A couple weeks ago he started crawling. I knew that it was the beginning of the end of our perfect, discipline-free relationship, but I hoped that somehow his perfection would carry over to that element as well. No luck. He may not be the most skilled, speedy crawler yet, but he can get where he needs to go rather quickly nonetheless. And once his gaze rests on something he wants, he will stop at nothing to get at it. Over and over and over again. I can't even tell you how many times in the past two days I had to reroute him from Jacob's Legos. A least a dozen? I was way behind on newspaper reading over the past month or so and did a major catch-up this weekend, often breezing through a few sections at a time while Carter was contentedly playing on the floor next to me. Sometimes he'd sit on my lap as the pages flipped by. But inevitably, once there was a pile of papers nearby on the floor, he'd be on his way to get them. He'd destroy anything in his grasp if I let him. A couple times I let him go to town, once on a catalog and another time on some ads, and he had a blast--for minutes at a time--crunching and ripping the paper. We just had to watch for him putting small pieces in his mouth, but other than that it was pretty harmless fun. It definitely made me look forward to Christmas and the joy of wrapping paper, because he'll be far more into it at ten months than Jacob was at six months. But still, he could have a dozen toys sitting in front of him, but he's far more interested in everything else! Oh, and if there's a piece of fuzz or a crumb on the carpet, he will find it. Good thing his pincer grasp still stinks, because he can't quite pick them up yet once he finds them.
He's putting up a fuss when I try to put him in his carseat, and wrangling him on the changing table is getting to be a challenge as well. He's forever trying to grab his medicine syringe or the tub of wipes, and he giggles maniacally when he flips himself over and nearly rolls off the table. If I have him sitting up there to put on a shirt, he will pull himself forward so he's practically folding himself in half to peer over the end.
He's also doing his darnedest to pull himself up. He hasn't really tried on furniture, but he's done it on me and his toys. He was sitting on his knees at his activity table yesterday! He's not doing it a lot, but he can do it, particularly if given a little balance. The bad news is that he's not too steady yet once he does get up, so he's definitely prone to toppling if we're not there to get him.
All of a sudden a week or so ago I realized that he was going from laying to sitting without a problem, and that's when I started to get the idea that he was going to be unstoppable very soon. Yesterday at church I put his feet on the floor as he was holding my fingers, and he effortlessly took a few steps toward me. I don't know where that came from because I had a hard time replicating it later, but I can't help but wonder if he's going to blow past Jacob in terms of starting to walk. Jacob took his time and didn't walk full time until about 16 months. I can't imagine Carter will take that long, but I could be wrong!
Despite my exhaustion and frustration with a little man who wants to be on the move, it's amazing to watch him figure things out. You can almost see the wheels turning in his head. He's growing and changing so much lately, and I'm so amazed (possibly even more than last time around) to watch it happen. I can't believe how fast this past year has gone (my car is a year old!), and while at times it seems like Carter has been here forever, I can't get over how time has flown. It's been an unorthodox last year, for sure. But to have this little baby that's growing and changing and turning into a little boy before our eyes...it's just nuts.
I'm a little sad that our discipline-free time is done, because that is a magical time where your baby can do no wrong (not on purpose, anyway). It's hard to see a willful side emerge, particularly now that we know what that will can do, because it all seems like it goes downhill from here. Sure, there are amazing moments along the way, but feeling like you and your baby can do no wrong is such a great feeling. All the smiles and giggles make it worth it, but we're in for an interesting ride with this one, I think...
A couple weeks ago he started crawling. I knew that it was the beginning of the end of our perfect, discipline-free relationship, but I hoped that somehow his perfection would carry over to that element as well. No luck. He may not be the most skilled, speedy crawler yet, but he can get where he needs to go rather quickly nonetheless. And once his gaze rests on something he wants, he will stop at nothing to get at it. Over and over and over again. I can't even tell you how many times in the past two days I had to reroute him from Jacob's Legos. A least a dozen? I was way behind on newspaper reading over the past month or so and did a major catch-up this weekend, often breezing through a few sections at a time while Carter was contentedly playing on the floor next to me. Sometimes he'd sit on my lap as the pages flipped by. But inevitably, once there was a pile of papers nearby on the floor, he'd be on his way to get them. He'd destroy anything in his grasp if I let him. A couple times I let him go to town, once on a catalog and another time on some ads, and he had a blast--for minutes at a time--crunching and ripping the paper. We just had to watch for him putting small pieces in his mouth, but other than that it was pretty harmless fun. It definitely made me look forward to Christmas and the joy of wrapping paper, because he'll be far more into it at ten months than Jacob was at six months. But still, he could have a dozen toys sitting in front of him, but he's far more interested in everything else! Oh, and if there's a piece of fuzz or a crumb on the carpet, he will find it. Good thing his pincer grasp still stinks, because he can't quite pick them up yet once he finds them.
He's putting up a fuss when I try to put him in his carseat, and wrangling him on the changing table is getting to be a challenge as well. He's forever trying to grab his medicine syringe or the tub of wipes, and he giggles maniacally when he flips himself over and nearly rolls off the table. If I have him sitting up there to put on a shirt, he will pull himself forward so he's practically folding himself in half to peer over the end.
He's also doing his darnedest to pull himself up. He hasn't really tried on furniture, but he's done it on me and his toys. He was sitting on his knees at his activity table yesterday! He's not doing it a lot, but he can do it, particularly if given a little balance. The bad news is that he's not too steady yet once he does get up, so he's definitely prone to toppling if we're not there to get him.
All of a sudden a week or so ago I realized that he was going from laying to sitting without a problem, and that's when I started to get the idea that he was going to be unstoppable very soon. Yesterday at church I put his feet on the floor as he was holding my fingers, and he effortlessly took a few steps toward me. I don't know where that came from because I had a hard time replicating it later, but I can't help but wonder if he's going to blow past Jacob in terms of starting to walk. Jacob took his time and didn't walk full time until about 16 months. I can't imagine Carter will take that long, but I could be wrong!
Despite my exhaustion and frustration with a little man who wants to be on the move, it's amazing to watch him figure things out. You can almost see the wheels turning in his head. He's growing and changing so much lately, and I'm so amazed (possibly even more than last time around) to watch it happen. I can't believe how fast this past year has gone (my car is a year old!), and while at times it seems like Carter has been here forever, I can't get over how time has flown. It's been an unorthodox last year, for sure. But to have this little baby that's growing and changing and turning into a little boy before our eyes...it's just nuts.
I'm a little sad that our discipline-free time is done, because that is a magical time where your baby can do no wrong (not on purpose, anyway). It's hard to see a willful side emerge, particularly now that we know what that will can do, because it all seems like it goes downhill from here. Sure, there are amazing moments along the way, but feeling like you and your baby can do no wrong is such a great feeling. All the smiles and giggles make it worth it, but we're in for an interesting ride with this one, I think...
Thursday, November 21, 2013
News & Notes, I Wish Thanksgiving was Today Edition
I can't even express how much I wish today was Thanksgiving and I had a day off and a weekend awaiting tomorrow. Instead, I have four more days of work and a weekend full of solo parenting standing between me and a four day weekend. Granted, one of those days off will be spent in Buffalo and I have two kids and a house to decorate for Christmas on the other, but my dreams of getting stuff done still persist. I have this endless to do list for stuff around the house that is making me nuts. Between dinner, getting the kids to bed, and falling asleep in my chair while trying to be productive, the list persists. I can't even tell you how far behind I am on most things now, and it's making me crazy. Right now my week off after Christmas just has me salivating. Again, I know that having two kids means that not much will get done, but I am going to do my best. I have to. Too much stuff is piling up and it's starting to make me crazy. Newspapers and mail piled up, pictures and curtains waiting to be hung, a checkbook that desperately needs balancing, photos that need to be sorted and printed, a printer I want to move from our desktop to where my laptop lives, coupons needing to be cut and organized, CDs to be organized, and any other number of random little tasks. They never seem to end. I have a running list on my iPod just in case I find myself with spare time. Ha!
The other night we accidentally let Jacob eat a piece of candy with gluten in it. I thought I had checked the ingredients, but I didn't. We noticed he was a little extra hyper and that clued us in. Not that he was a saint before that, but he was noticeably worse after. He's been a bit of a pain the last couple days since, but hopefully it'll ease up a bit before the weekend. We do see little improvements from time to time, but it still appears to be a slow go. I feel bad about what happened, though. It's our first noticeable slip-up so far, and hopefully our last. The good news is that he didn't seem to have any belly issues from it, though that makes me wonder a bit because I would have thought he would after four weeks off of gluten. I can't imagine where there would be a chance for that to happen, but maybe he's just lucky since he never had stomach issues before.
As for Carter, he seems to be doing well with oatmeal. He doesn't love it, but he'll eat it. He also seems to love his other baby food. He still doesn't eat a ton, but he gladly eats almost anything. Even veggies that he didn't like initially he's come to enjoy when I mix them with pureed meat. I still haven't had much success with finger foods. There are so few he can eat with the rice intolerance, and even well cooked veggies in tiny pieces have been problematic. He has done small pieces of banana but he seems unconvinced. I may try some tiny pieces of turkey on Thanksgiving. I really want to try some dairy again now that it seems the oatmeal is okay. Having a tolerance for dairy opens up a lot of possibilities--including cheese, yogurt, and cheaper formula. Fingers crossed. In the meantime I am so bitter with the baby food companies for sticking rice flour in almost every interesting-sounding baby food concoction.
Carter is really getting around these days. He is constantly taking off for Jacob's toys, even though he's got plenty of his own. I brought up an activity table and he's enjoyed playing with that, including some giant pop beads that came with it. He does pretty well standing up against it, and he's still pulling himself up on things from time to time, with no help except a little balance once in a while. I have a feeling he'll be getting around a lot sooner than Jacob did. We're in trouble!
Craig's busy season pretty much starts this weekend, so I'm bracing myself for lots of solo time with two kids. It's always doable, but Jacob is a wildcard for sure. I need to find some ways to fill the time and keep him engaged, while still keeping Carter occupied and getting some things done myself. It'll definitely be a challenge, though.
Carter, Jacob, and I have all been sick for around two weeks now. Nasty colds all around. Carter seems to have the perma-cold from daycare. Jacob's got a ton of congestion. I thought my cold was going away after a week, but then it came on strong again over last weekend. Two kids, two colds? I hate seeing the kids sick, and I hate having to power through all the time myself. I've been falling asleep early while trying to watch TV or get stuff done online, and it's getting frustrating. Speaking of which, I'm doing to again tonight so that probably means it's time to go to bed again. Sigh.
The other night we accidentally let Jacob eat a piece of candy with gluten in it. I thought I had checked the ingredients, but I didn't. We noticed he was a little extra hyper and that clued us in. Not that he was a saint before that, but he was noticeably worse after. He's been a bit of a pain the last couple days since, but hopefully it'll ease up a bit before the weekend. We do see little improvements from time to time, but it still appears to be a slow go. I feel bad about what happened, though. It's our first noticeable slip-up so far, and hopefully our last. The good news is that he didn't seem to have any belly issues from it, though that makes me wonder a bit because I would have thought he would after four weeks off of gluten. I can't imagine where there would be a chance for that to happen, but maybe he's just lucky since he never had stomach issues before.
As for Carter, he seems to be doing well with oatmeal. He doesn't love it, but he'll eat it. He also seems to love his other baby food. He still doesn't eat a ton, but he gladly eats almost anything. Even veggies that he didn't like initially he's come to enjoy when I mix them with pureed meat. I still haven't had much success with finger foods. There are so few he can eat with the rice intolerance, and even well cooked veggies in tiny pieces have been problematic. He has done small pieces of banana but he seems unconvinced. I may try some tiny pieces of turkey on Thanksgiving. I really want to try some dairy again now that it seems the oatmeal is okay. Having a tolerance for dairy opens up a lot of possibilities--including cheese, yogurt, and cheaper formula. Fingers crossed. In the meantime I am so bitter with the baby food companies for sticking rice flour in almost every interesting-sounding baby food concoction.
Carter is really getting around these days. He is constantly taking off for Jacob's toys, even though he's got plenty of his own. I brought up an activity table and he's enjoyed playing with that, including some giant pop beads that came with it. He does pretty well standing up against it, and he's still pulling himself up on things from time to time, with no help except a little balance once in a while. I have a feeling he'll be getting around a lot sooner than Jacob did. We're in trouble!
Craig's busy season pretty much starts this weekend, so I'm bracing myself for lots of solo time with two kids. It's always doable, but Jacob is a wildcard for sure. I need to find some ways to fill the time and keep him engaged, while still keeping Carter occupied and getting some things done myself. It'll definitely be a challenge, though.
Carter, Jacob, and I have all been sick for around two weeks now. Nasty colds all around. Carter seems to have the perma-cold from daycare. Jacob's got a ton of congestion. I thought my cold was going away after a week, but then it came on strong again over last weekend. Two kids, two colds? I hate seeing the kids sick, and I hate having to power through all the time myself. I've been falling asleep early while trying to watch TV or get stuff done online, and it's getting frustrating. Speaking of which, I'm doing to again tonight so that probably means it's time to go to bed again. Sigh.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Nine Months / 15 Years
On Friday Carter turned nine months! I can't even believe we're 3/4 of the way to one year!
He's so sweet and so smiley, and it's been awesome to watch him discover new things lately. He's getting better at crawling, can clap and wave, and we're working on high fives! He's so curious and determined, and we will have our hands full, for sure! We love him so much...and so does everyone else, apparently!
This weekend was a crazy one all around. Friday night we went out to dinner, and Jacob fell asleep on the way there. We brought his gluten-free pizza home with us, and when he woke up at home he had a couple pieces and didn't go to bed until late. Saturday morning Craig had an appearance for work, and I spent the morning cleaning and packing. My college roommate Mary was arriving around noon, and shortly after we were taking off for Buffalo for a concert. One of our favorite bands for college was playing. The band, Five Iron Frenzy, was, as one of our friends put it, the soundtrack to our college years, and they broke up about seven or eight years ago. Well...a couple years or so ago, they decided to reunite and set up a Kickstarter campaign (basically, crowd-funding) and collected what they were seeking in a matter of hours. Clearly there was a market for a new album! The album comes out in less than two weeks, and they've been on tour with a few other ska bands. It's a bit different for them to do a secular tour, as opposed to hitting up Christian venues, but it is a great opportunity for them. Well, when word got out that they would be coming to Buffalo, instantly we knew we had to go. So a couple people spearheaded it and a good-sized group of us (maybe 20?) met up for the show. Jacob had a lacrosse game, so I left him in Rochester with Craig, and Carter came with Mary and me to Buffalo to stay with Grandma and Grandpa. Unfortunately he picked yesterday to start getting some serious separation anxiety and they had a bit of a rough evening, but they survived. The concert was amazing, even if Five Iron didn't play nearly long enough (they were the third of four acts, with Reel Big Fish as the headliner). We got to meet some members of the band afterward, and simply hearing some of those songs live again was awesome and surreal. They were just as good as always--an energetic lead singer, awesome brass, great songs. We had a blast seeing people we hadn't seen in a while, catching up, reminiscing, and dancing along to the music. It was truly great to step back in time about 15 years or so, to when they were the core of our college music experience. Dance parties, concerts, study sessions...you name it, we listened to them. It was fun to leave the kids behind and run off to a concert in a big group again, just like we did in school. Heck, once we even caravanned to Cleveland for a show! This time we even had one couple that came in from the Adirondacks, and were it not for his daughter getting sick, one guy was going to come in from D.C. It was awesome. Mary, Carter, and I slept at my parents (we didn't get home until about 2am thanks to a late night snack), then took off for church in Geneseo, for old time's sake. We didn't get to see our college pastor, but it was nice to be back and see a lot of familiar faces (and lots of students) floating around. We ate pizza at Mama Mia's, then headed back home. Mary left right away (did I mention how awesome it was to see her for the first time in over a year? It was!) because I had to pack up and get us ready to drive back to Buffalo for Craig's Nana's birthday party. I know it's awful to do that drive literally back-to-back, but she's 94 and each one is special now. It's also been a couple months since I last saw Craig's family, so it was overdue. There wasn't any way to really meet there, though, since Mary was with me, so it was a lot of traveling, for sure. But the evening was fun and Carter's cousins and Nana absolutely loved him! We got back a little before 10, and thank goodness both kids slept most of the way. Carter needed a nap prior to his bedtime bottle, and Jacob really needed the sleep. I'm exhausted, though, and trying to push through to get a few things done. It's going to storm here anyway shortly (hello, 65 degree day in November. You always come with a price!), so I'm not sure what good it will do to go to bed!
But I need to try, I guess! It was a fun weekend, but in cause there was any doubt, I am not still 20, and my body knows it!
Friday, November 15, 2013
Disconnect
One of the hardest things about Jacob's difficulties these days is that I feel so disconnected from him. Part of that is because he barely lets me get near him without beating on me, and part of it is because Craig does his best to manage him and shield me from the ridiculousness. It saddens me when I think of how Jacob and I were once nearly inseparable, much like Carter and I are now. He smiled every time he saw me, stopped crying when I picked him up, came to me when I arrived at daycare, and spent every waking moment wanting to be near me in some form. And while I knew some of that would wane as he got older and Daddy became cooler (in part because he's his sports buddy), obviously I never imagined the situation we're in.
The other night Craig and I had a little bit of a tiff because we both forgot to send something into school that Jacob needed. Craig has been managing a lot of Jacob's schoolwork lately, for a lot of reasons. Jacob likes to be with him more, Craig has more patience, and it just sort of works out that he can work with him on homework while I cook dinner, or before I get home, if he picks Jacob up a little early. As a result, he's been the one cleaning out his take-home folder every night. He's been leaving the papers in a pile on our very messy dining room table, and I'll be honest, there are so many piles of papers (old assignments, artwork, notes, etc.) and I have so many things I'm trying to get handled in the evenings that I don't always get to the piles to see what's important. Well, the one note slipped both our minds after the initial reading, and we felt so bad when we realized we missed the due date. Craig was annoyed with me because I'm not that involved with Jacob anymore, and I was annoyed with him because leaving the note in a pile of papers is not helpful when I've got a million other things going on. Obviously we were both at fault and we need a better system. But believe me, I hate that I'm so disconnected from Jacob right now. I want to be talking to him and snuggling with him and playing with him. But so many interactions end up with him hitting me (even in "fun", or so he thinks--despite our insistence otherwise), or yelling at me, or stomping off, or just acting plain weird, and it's hard to bond with a kid like that.
The fact is, I don't love him any less, but I feel like that love is sort of, well, in hibernation. I think this is the case for a few reasons. First, he won't let me express my love to him. I can barely hug him without getting hit. I try to talk to him, and he walks away, yells, or ignores me. I'm hesitant to buy him anything to show that I'm thinking of him, because he acts spoiled and entitled a lot of the time.
By the way, just yesterday, as we were doing his "What I'm Thankful For" homework, he said he wasn't thankful for anything. When I challenged him on that, he said he'd be fine if he didn't have a house, family, toys, or even food and water. I tried to explain to him the suffering going on in the Philippines right now, that kids just like him are experiencing that very reality, and he kept trying to play it off as not a big deal, like how he'd be the exception. It's hard to have a meaningful conversation with your kid when they dismiss everything you say and don't appreciate what they have.
The second reason is because there aren't a lot of good moments to celebrate right now. I mean, when I think of how things are with Carter at the moment, I tell that kid I love him a dozen times a day. Aside from just being my little piece of sanity and bliss, he's such a little sponge right now. He's learned how to crawl, perfected clapping, and started waving, all pretty much in the past week. He's so cute, sweet, and funny, and I'm just so proud of all he's learning. He brings me so much happiness and I often express that joy by telling him how much I love him. As far as Jacob is concerned, I would gladly do that for him as well, but there's just not much to applaud. I know he's learning at school, and when he illustrates that for us, I definitely praise him as much as I can. I love to see him identify words, do math, or draw a cool picture. But we don't see too much of it, or if we do, it's too often accompanied by the less enjoyable traits he's been displaying lately. No matter how hard we try to find the good in what he does, there is usually so much bad that it overshadows everything. It's not that I love him any less, but I do have to dig a little harder to find the lovable traits, and some days that's just hard.
Finally, I think to some degree it's a defense mechanism. To be gushingly in love with your child only to be repeatedly rejected and attacked...well, it's simply heartbreaking. And based on my own experience, that can only go on for so long before it just breaks you. So the walls go up, to some degree. It is a means of self-preservation. You almost have to treat it like a business transaction--do what you've got to do, get in and get out, nothing more. I'm not saying that you're a jerk or even a robot, but right now, the simpler and quicker the better. While I'd love to give him kisses and hugs, I settle for polite conversation. While I'd love to encourage him to draw elaborate drawings in his homework, the reality is that we need him to get it done as soon as possible, before a random meltdown derails the whole thing. So while I'd love to shower him with affection and encourage him to excel, those things only lead to disaster right now, and it's not worth the disappointment time and time again. I'll always try to make sure he knows that I love him, but I have to keep my expectations low and take what I can get.
I want to emphasize that I love Jacob so much. So much that what we're going through right now hurts terribly. I'm moved to tears just thinking about it, almost every day. Despite the anger, frustration, and sadness that I feel in the midst of his tantrums and all of our struggles, I want so much more for him, and so much more for the rest of us. He's missing out on a lot of love, affection, and fun, and we're missing out on enjoying the amazing kid we know he can be. We don't know what stole that away from us, but we're doing everything in our power to get it back.
The other night Craig and I had a little bit of a tiff because we both forgot to send something into school that Jacob needed. Craig has been managing a lot of Jacob's schoolwork lately, for a lot of reasons. Jacob likes to be with him more, Craig has more patience, and it just sort of works out that he can work with him on homework while I cook dinner, or before I get home, if he picks Jacob up a little early. As a result, he's been the one cleaning out his take-home folder every night. He's been leaving the papers in a pile on our very messy dining room table, and I'll be honest, there are so many piles of papers (old assignments, artwork, notes, etc.) and I have so many things I'm trying to get handled in the evenings that I don't always get to the piles to see what's important. Well, the one note slipped both our minds after the initial reading, and we felt so bad when we realized we missed the due date. Craig was annoyed with me because I'm not that involved with Jacob anymore, and I was annoyed with him because leaving the note in a pile of papers is not helpful when I've got a million other things going on. Obviously we were both at fault and we need a better system. But believe me, I hate that I'm so disconnected from Jacob right now. I want to be talking to him and snuggling with him and playing with him. But so many interactions end up with him hitting me (even in "fun", or so he thinks--despite our insistence otherwise), or yelling at me, or stomping off, or just acting plain weird, and it's hard to bond with a kid like that.
The fact is, I don't love him any less, but I feel like that love is sort of, well, in hibernation. I think this is the case for a few reasons. First, he won't let me express my love to him. I can barely hug him without getting hit. I try to talk to him, and he walks away, yells, or ignores me. I'm hesitant to buy him anything to show that I'm thinking of him, because he acts spoiled and entitled a lot of the time.
By the way, just yesterday, as we were doing his "What I'm Thankful For" homework, he said he wasn't thankful for anything. When I challenged him on that, he said he'd be fine if he didn't have a house, family, toys, or even food and water. I tried to explain to him the suffering going on in the Philippines right now, that kids just like him are experiencing that very reality, and he kept trying to play it off as not a big deal, like how he'd be the exception. It's hard to have a meaningful conversation with your kid when they dismiss everything you say and don't appreciate what they have.
The second reason is because there aren't a lot of good moments to celebrate right now. I mean, when I think of how things are with Carter at the moment, I tell that kid I love him a dozen times a day. Aside from just being my little piece of sanity and bliss, he's such a little sponge right now. He's learned how to crawl, perfected clapping, and started waving, all pretty much in the past week. He's so cute, sweet, and funny, and I'm just so proud of all he's learning. He brings me so much happiness and I often express that joy by telling him how much I love him. As far as Jacob is concerned, I would gladly do that for him as well, but there's just not much to applaud. I know he's learning at school, and when he illustrates that for us, I definitely praise him as much as I can. I love to see him identify words, do math, or draw a cool picture. But we don't see too much of it, or if we do, it's too often accompanied by the less enjoyable traits he's been displaying lately. No matter how hard we try to find the good in what he does, there is usually so much bad that it overshadows everything. It's not that I love him any less, but I do have to dig a little harder to find the lovable traits, and some days that's just hard.
Finally, I think to some degree it's a defense mechanism. To be gushingly in love with your child only to be repeatedly rejected and attacked...well, it's simply heartbreaking. And based on my own experience, that can only go on for so long before it just breaks you. So the walls go up, to some degree. It is a means of self-preservation. You almost have to treat it like a business transaction--do what you've got to do, get in and get out, nothing more. I'm not saying that you're a jerk or even a robot, but right now, the simpler and quicker the better. While I'd love to give him kisses and hugs, I settle for polite conversation. While I'd love to encourage him to draw elaborate drawings in his homework, the reality is that we need him to get it done as soon as possible, before a random meltdown derails the whole thing. So while I'd love to shower him with affection and encourage him to excel, those things only lead to disaster right now, and it's not worth the disappointment time and time again. I'll always try to make sure he knows that I love him, but I have to keep my expectations low and take what I can get.
I want to emphasize that I love Jacob so much. So much that what we're going through right now hurts terribly. I'm moved to tears just thinking about it, almost every day. Despite the anger, frustration, and sadness that I feel in the midst of his tantrums and all of our struggles, I want so much more for him, and so much more for the rest of us. He's missing out on a lot of love, affection, and fun, and we're missing out on enjoying the amazing kid we know he can be. We don't know what stole that away from us, but we're doing everything in our power to get it back.
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