I feel like I've been going through a major identity crisis recently. I don't know why, though maybe it's because I'm finally out of the new baby fog. When you think about it, between nine months of pregnancy and a good 6-8 months of new baby fog, that's well over a year of being sort of preoccupied with a lot of other stuff, and it becomes very easy to forget about yourself in the shuffle. Or, at least, to care. With Jacob I was obviously overwhelmed with getting ready for a first baby and being a new mom. I had to juggle that with work and a house. This time around I may have been more used to the baby stuff in general, but juggling my job, two kids, and a bigger house has been a challenge. My downtime is just considerably less, and obviously in the past few months we've had a lot of other things going on with Jacob--behavior issues, school, new doctors, etc., so most of my downtime tends to be spent online researching one thing or another. There just isn't a lot of time that I can dedicate to myself because I'm managing everyone else. I go to the gym once a week, I try to make myself presentable in the morning, and I try to spend at least a little time in the evenings doing what I want to do, which is usually watching a show while browsing social media. But I don't really go out, I don't really have any social friendships, and it's rare that I can even carve out a solo shopping trip where I can really browse for myself.
A couple weeks ago I got my hair cut. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I mean, I appreciate the fact that Carter can't pull it all the time, and the fact that a lot of it is falling out (hormones? stress?) is a little less annoying, but I'm not sure how I feel about the style. Part of it seems too cute. Part of it seems boring. But then sometimes it seems fresh and professional. The long hair seemed sexier sometimes, but then again sometimes I felt like it made me look like I was trying to hard to be young. The long hair was actually easier since I just blow dried it and brushed it, while this hair must be styled a bit so it doesn't flip out the wrong way, but once it's done I think it looks nicer for the duration of the day. But I'm just not sure it reflects me right now. But since I don't know who I am (or want to be), how could it?
The same can be said for my clothes. As I mentioned briefly last week, I spent a good portion of a Saturday morning clearing out my wardrobe. I have a closet, parts of two dressers, and one wardrobe full of clothes, covering all seasons. Many of them I have owned for a really long time, some as long ago as my old job, which I haven't worked at in almost eight years. Some of it was looking a little ratty, and some of it hasn't been worn in a few years, but some of it I wore right up until the winter before I got pregnant, and it never fit last year around my pregnancy. In most cases the stuff just doesn't fit right anymore, but in some cases it's just not "me" anymore, either. While I don't feel like my body is way different than it was before kids--a little squishier, yes, but I can still wear the same pants for the most part--it was amazing how many of the shirts just didn't quite work. Most were either a little too clingy for my post-baby belly, or they were simply too short to look flattering. I don't know if my dryer has destroyed them, or if styles have just changed so much that my perception has changed, or if subtle shifts in my body's composition has just rendered them awkward. I mean, my chest is actually smaller now than it used to be, but button-down blouses gape...so either I have more back fat, or something else is happening. Regardless, there were a lot of things that just didn't fit right, so they're getting donated. I set aside a handful of nostalgic items (maybe someday they'll become a t-shirt quilt or something), but for the most part it was good to get them gone. It felt a little wasteful (and sometimes sad, for pieces with memories attached), even though most of those clothes have gotten a considerable amount of wear. It made a little room in my closet, but at this point I'm not even sure what to replace them with...because, again, I don't know what to buy. I wear a lot of sweaters with camis, and the layering makes me feel a little more put together, but beyond that I'm not sure which styles will work for me. Stacy and Clinton, where are you?!
Like I alluded to above, the process of having another baby tends to trigger this issue. I remember having that feeling last time around, too. After spending months not buying clothes in anticipation of being pregnant, then shopping only maternity racks (or shapeless stuff) for six months or so, followed by months of being unsure about how my body might turn out, that equaled a lot of months away from stores and a lot of changes in styles. Going back in and having to shop countless "normal" racks, as opposed to a handful of racks with very specific styles, was very challenging. This time was much the same. I'm also a few years older at this point, so many of my "younger clothes" don't feel right--particularly for work.
This time I added in the long hair vs. short hair debate. Did long hair make me more of a fun mom? Or was I looking like I was trying too hard to be young? I had a really hard time deciding on a length once I decided to go shorter, which is rarely an issue for me. I couldn't figure out if going too short would make me less feminine or too mom-ish, but I also didn't want to be stuck in between and look as undecided as I felt. I've been hiding behind longer hair for a while now (can't believe I grew it out for three years!), so the thought of going back worried me a bit. Was I trying to be something I no longer was, at any length?
But the biggest problem this time around is that despite being more comfortable in the mom role, I'm more frazzled with even less time for myself. Add in that Jacob's issues have been at the forefront for months now, and suffice it to say that focusing on myself has been more difficult than I ever imagined. Or even if I have the chance to focus on myself, caring enough to make an effort is a challenge. I guess it just seems like small potatoes compared to all we've been dealing with. Like, why should I worry about changing my look when it's not going to make a difference in Jacob's situation?
On the other hand, I have noticed that lately I have a tendency to gravitate toward "fixing" little things. Maybe it manifests itself in a new storage system, or making it a point to finally fix something that was broken, or clearing out a pile of clutter. Mind you, I'm not very good at it, but when I get something on the brain, it bugs me until I do it. I've mentioned here before all of the unfinished projects around my house, and yes, they are all still driving me nuts. But most of them are too big to conquer with the time I have, so I've been going off on little tangents to fix what I can in the moment. For example, I decided that I want to get storage binders for all of my CDs so I can get my easy-to-topple, very heavy storage rack out of the living room. I don't really have time to do that, but yet, it is bugging me. I've been meaning to get a bin to put Carter's peek-a-blocks in (so they're easier to access than when they're stored in the Incrediblock), so imagine my joy when I realized mid-shopping trip that I already have a container that I can use. It took me days to remember to get it out, but it felt good to do that tonight. I get excited when I figure out a new gluten-free fix, or find a way to convince Jacob to do something without complaint, or manage to conquer one mess that's been bugging me. All of those little things are so small in comparison to the major problems that really need fixing, but I guess mentally I take comfort in controlling what I can amidst the rest of the chaos in our lives.
I guess I just feel a little lost right now. I don't know how I should look, how I should feel about being 35, or how I want people to see me as a mom. I don't know where to start on my to do list, my cooking repertoire has been blown to smithereens, and my house is a mess. I can't relate to one of my kids and I'm probably a pretty crappy wife right now, too. I'm exhausted, my priorities are a mess, and there just aren't enough hours in the day to make it all work for everyone. And yet I sit here and blog because I need some sort of outlet for all of the stuff that makes me crazy right now. And I wonder where Jacob gets his irrationality. Hmmmm.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Sunday, October 27, 2013
The Kindness of Strangers
Today was officially day three of the gluten-free diet. It's going fine so far, I guess. Staying gluten-free hasn't really been a problem, but I know Jacob is annoyed by some of the things he can't eat, we're a little thrown off by trying to not eat it around him, and we definitely miss the convenience factor. That said, we survived two parties this weekend, so that's gotta count for something.
The party with my family was a bit of a challenge since there were pretzels everywhere, but Jacob loved caramel and pumpkin dips that Lori made, and spent quite a while dipping apples and pears into both of them. He also enjoyed veggies and dip, and eventually we pulled out the gluten-free pretzels. He filled up on enough of that stuff that he didn't actually eat dinner (not much he would have liked anyway), and he didn't want dessert either. Too bad he missed out on the apparently tasty (and gluten-free) cheesy potatoes I made! He had a PB&J afterward, which worked out fine.
The happy story of the weekend was Saturday morning's birthday party. Earlier last week we got an invitation to a birthday party for a little girl in Jacob's class. It wasn't much notice, and we already had plans in Buffalo this weekend. Still, Jacob really wanted to go, and knowing that it hasn't been the easiest for him to make friends, I decided we'd make it work. The kicker is that the party was at Chuck E. Cheese. Let's just say that pizza and cake aren't exactly ideal for a Celiac, so I was trying to figure out our best option. I decided we could leave early, which would get us to Buffalo on time and help us avoid the food part of the party. When I called the mom to RSVP on Thursday, I told her that she probably shouldn't count Jacob in the food count since he couldn't eat any of it anyway, and said we'd probably be leaving early since we had other plans. She seemed sympathetic and genuinely concerned, which was nice.
Well, when we arrived at the party (a half hour late, thanks to Jacob's usual antics, last-minute packing, and being on my own with both kids), she said that surprise--Chuck E. Cheese offers gluten-free pizza! She had ordered some for Jacob, and she even stopped at Wegmans and picked up a bag of cookies for him! How sweet is that? She was so nice about the whole thing. So, we ended up sticking around for the rest of the party (and ditching my carefully laid plans--ahhh, the things we do for our kids), playing a few games, enjoying the mini-pizza (came sealed in its own bake-in bag with a plastic sealed pizza cutter), and snacking on cookies while everyone else ate cake. I even turned down a slice myself (and if you know me, you know how hard that was). Jacob's friend loved her gift (we got her a bunch of crafty items--coloring pages, sparkly crayons, construction paper, watercolors, and a book that uses water to practice letters), and we had a nice time. Jacob wanted to stay longer, but we did need to get on the road so we said our thank yous and left.
I still can't believe the mom went out of her way like that for a kid she'd never even met. It really meant a lot and made Jacob's first gluten-free event so much better. I warned him that not all would be like this, and explained how nice it was that his friend's mom did that. She even kept an eye on what was in his goodie bag. So nice!
On the mom end, I did talk to the birthday girl's mom a lot, and tried to get in on the conversation with four other moms, but I think they might have all been teachers so it definitely seemed a little cliquey. The one mom (of the only other boy there) did introduce herself at the end, which was nice. It was weird not being in the same group we've been used to with all the daycare parties we've had there, but a girl party was definitely different on its own! It was a totally different vibe. Not sure how often I'll see these moms, but I guess it's a start.
I'm still working on the gluten-free thing at home, trying to find good options and fill holes. I found some condensed cream of mushroom soup, which is good to have. I have a running list of meals we can have, meals I have to fix, things I should look into, etc., and I just need to keep working through that. If I can get a solid two-week rotation, I'll be OK with that. But it's going to take a lot of planning, for sure!
But it's been a busy weekend and I'm exhausted. All of that will have to wait another day...right along with a million other things on my to do list. Yawn.
The party with my family was a bit of a challenge since there were pretzels everywhere, but Jacob loved caramel and pumpkin dips that Lori made, and spent quite a while dipping apples and pears into both of them. He also enjoyed veggies and dip, and eventually we pulled out the gluten-free pretzels. He filled up on enough of that stuff that he didn't actually eat dinner (not much he would have liked anyway), and he didn't want dessert either. Too bad he missed out on the apparently tasty (and gluten-free) cheesy potatoes I made! He had a PB&J afterward, which worked out fine.
The happy story of the weekend was Saturday morning's birthday party. Earlier last week we got an invitation to a birthday party for a little girl in Jacob's class. It wasn't much notice, and we already had plans in Buffalo this weekend. Still, Jacob really wanted to go, and knowing that it hasn't been the easiest for him to make friends, I decided we'd make it work. The kicker is that the party was at Chuck E. Cheese. Let's just say that pizza and cake aren't exactly ideal for a Celiac, so I was trying to figure out our best option. I decided we could leave early, which would get us to Buffalo on time and help us avoid the food part of the party. When I called the mom to RSVP on Thursday, I told her that she probably shouldn't count Jacob in the food count since he couldn't eat any of it anyway, and said we'd probably be leaving early since we had other plans. She seemed sympathetic and genuinely concerned, which was nice.
Well, when we arrived at the party (a half hour late, thanks to Jacob's usual antics, last-minute packing, and being on my own with both kids), she said that surprise--Chuck E. Cheese offers gluten-free pizza! She had ordered some for Jacob, and she even stopped at Wegmans and picked up a bag of cookies for him! How sweet is that? She was so nice about the whole thing. So, we ended up sticking around for the rest of the party (and ditching my carefully laid plans--ahhh, the things we do for our kids), playing a few games, enjoying the mini-pizza (came sealed in its own bake-in bag with a plastic sealed pizza cutter), and snacking on cookies while everyone else ate cake. I even turned down a slice myself (and if you know me, you know how hard that was). Jacob's friend loved her gift (we got her a bunch of crafty items--coloring pages, sparkly crayons, construction paper, watercolors, and a book that uses water to practice letters), and we had a nice time. Jacob wanted to stay longer, but we did need to get on the road so we said our thank yous and left.
I still can't believe the mom went out of her way like that for a kid she'd never even met. It really meant a lot and made Jacob's first gluten-free event so much better. I warned him that not all would be like this, and explained how nice it was that his friend's mom did that. She even kept an eye on what was in his goodie bag. So nice!
On the mom end, I did talk to the birthday girl's mom a lot, and tried to get in on the conversation with four other moms, but I think they might have all been teachers so it definitely seemed a little cliquey. The one mom (of the only other boy there) did introduce herself at the end, which was nice. It was weird not being in the same group we've been used to with all the daycare parties we've had there, but a girl party was definitely different on its own! It was a totally different vibe. Not sure how often I'll see these moms, but I guess it's a start.
I'm still working on the gluten-free thing at home, trying to find good options and fill holes. I found some condensed cream of mushroom soup, which is good to have. I have a running list of meals we can have, meals I have to fix, things I should look into, etc., and I just need to keep working through that. If I can get a solid two-week rotation, I'll be OK with that. But it's going to take a lot of planning, for sure!
But it's been a busy weekend and I'm exhausted. All of that will have to wait another day...right along with a million other things on my to do list. Yawn.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Hello from Recovery...
Today was Jacob's small intestine biopsy to test for Celiac disease. Obviously this has been long-awaited since that day at Disney where we got the news, and I guess you could say that today was a bit bittersweet. You never want your kid to have to be put under, or be poked and prodded, but at the same time, you want your kid to be healthy. This was simply the next step on that quest. The bad news is that he couldn't eat all morning, or drink after 8:30am. It's now almost 2:30 as I type and he's still asleep from the procedure. I remembered that the last time he got anesthesia he took a while to wake up, and it looks like that's the case again. So here we wait...
The procedure went fine. We won't get the results until early next week, but all indications are still that he's got Celiac disease. She took a bunch of biopsies and saw a few spots that seemed to be a little suspect just from looking at them, but we'll know for sure when the pathology comes back.
In the meantime, we're free to start a gluten-free diet...or not. This weekend is a little complicated for a few reasons. We're going to visit my family for our annual family Oktoberfest. There will certainly be a lot of gluten-filled food there. In addition, Jacob just got the invite for a birthday party on Saturday for one of his new classmates. The party, of course, is at Chuck E. Cheese. He won't be able to eat the pizza or any cake. While he says now that it won't bother him, I'm not convinced. I actually wanted to be in N.T. for another event earlier than we'd get there if he went to the party, so I suggested we go and play games for a bit, say happy birthday, and leave before the food became an issue. In the future I can always try to bake up some cupcakes or take some gluten-free pizza, but the short notice and the busy rest of the weekend make that a challenge this time around. And, given the fact that I'd like to leave town before the end of the party, it makes sense that we just skip that part.
Craig originally said, "Oh, we can just let him eat normally this weekend," but I'm hesitant to do that. First, we've been waiting so long to switch his diet and are desperate to see some behavior change from it that it seems silly to put it off. Second, there's always going to be something that we'd like him to be able to eat normally for. Next week is Halloween, and beyond that there will be other birthday parties, thanksgiving, or whatever else. So we might as well face the music and start this new chapter. It's not going to be easy, but it's inevitable. And God knows we need whatever behavior change the new diet will bring. As soon as possible. We know it's going to be a while before anything happens, but no time like the present, right?
So, Jacob took a while to wake up but he's up now. He's had a popsicle and is chatting a bit, but he's still pretty low key. I need to go get a little more work done (I am low on time off so I need to sneak in as much as I can just in case we have anything else come up), but Craig will take him home and get him settled in.
We're obviously grateful that he came through this okay, but it's going to be a tough transition. We're eager to get things moving, though, because we need our lives to get back to normal...or at least a little more normal normal. Now if I could just find gluten-free recipes for my picky eaters, that would be great...
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| Ready to go! |
The procedure went fine. We won't get the results until early next week, but all indications are still that he's got Celiac disease. She took a bunch of biopsies and saw a few spots that seemed to be a little suspect just from looking at them, but we'll know for sure when the pathology comes back.
In the meantime, we're free to start a gluten-free diet...or not. This weekend is a little complicated for a few reasons. We're going to visit my family for our annual family Oktoberfest. There will certainly be a lot of gluten-filled food there. In addition, Jacob just got the invite for a birthday party on Saturday for one of his new classmates. The party, of course, is at Chuck E. Cheese. He won't be able to eat the pizza or any cake. While he says now that it won't bother him, I'm not convinced. I actually wanted to be in N.T. for another event earlier than we'd get there if he went to the party, so I suggested we go and play games for a bit, say happy birthday, and leave before the food became an issue. In the future I can always try to bake up some cupcakes or take some gluten-free pizza, but the short notice and the busy rest of the weekend make that a challenge this time around. And, given the fact that I'd like to leave town before the end of the party, it makes sense that we just skip that part.
Craig originally said, "Oh, we can just let him eat normally this weekend," but I'm hesitant to do that. First, we've been waiting so long to switch his diet and are desperate to see some behavior change from it that it seems silly to put it off. Second, there's always going to be something that we'd like him to be able to eat normally for. Next week is Halloween, and beyond that there will be other birthday parties, thanksgiving, or whatever else. So we might as well face the music and start this new chapter. It's not going to be easy, but it's inevitable. And God knows we need whatever behavior change the new diet will bring. As soon as possible. We know it's going to be a while before anything happens, but no time like the present, right?
So, Jacob took a while to wake up but he's up now. He's had a popsicle and is chatting a bit, but he's still pretty low key. I need to go get a little more work done (I am low on time off so I need to sneak in as much as I can just in case we have anything else come up), but Craig will take him home and get him settled in.
We're obviously grateful that he came through this okay, but it's going to be a tough transition. We're eager to get things moving, though, because we need our lives to get back to normal...or at least a little more normal normal. Now if I could just find gluten-free recipes for my picky eaters, that would be great...
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Pumpkin Patch!
Sorry for the long silence...it's been a busy few days full of random tasks, falling asleep sitting up, and the usual household chores. Anyway...
Over the weekend I was majorly annoyed by the meteorologists because they had predicted rain all weekend, but when Saturday was over, it had barely rained. We could have gone down to Letchworth State Park to visit my family, who was camping in the park. I wanted to stop in Geneseo along the way for some college reminiscing, too. But I didn't trust the weather, and by the time it was legitimately sunny at 4pm, it was too late. Another option I had wanted to do was go to a pumpkin patch. We're busy next weekend so this was pretty much it, but the weather concerned me for that as well. So, suffice it to say that by Saturday night I was so frustrated that the opportunity for both of those activities had slipped away.
Sunday was going to be cooler, but the forecasted rain no longer seemed to be a sure thing, so we headed down the road to Cobble Creek Farm. I'd never been there before, but Jacob has gone there on daycare field trips. While it wasn't quite the scale of Stokoe Farms, our favorite, it was a nice option. Jacob's going to Stokoe this week on a school field trip, so there was no sense battling the crowds for a place he'd be going to later in the week. Of course, given our recent troubles, the thought of going to a pumpkin patch seemed risky, but it's only once a year and we had to give it a shot.
The farm was full of pumpkin people--basically dummies with pumpkin heads. This one was painting a sign...
Jacob immediately gravitated toward this tepee, of course, since he is obsessed with Native Americans thanks to lacrosse...
Out front was a cool castle made out of hay. Inside were some royal pumpkin people and an area for private parties...
Here's another pumpkin person in the "jail" on the side of the castle...
There was an old barn where you could get snacks, and in one section there was a dark room to walk through with a number of lit-up carved pumpkins. I think they were the craft pumpkins (or they found some way to preserve them), but they looked pretty cool in the pitch-black room with their colored lighting...
We hopped on a hayride, which ended up being better than we expected.
The first stop was the pumpkin patch. Technically you could pick your own pumpkin, but what was left was pretty picked over so we opted to wait until we were back at the front to pick from their selection. In the meantime, we enjoyed the fall views...
The hayride went around most of the farm, and we got to see a lot of corn, some sort of beans (I think), and Christmas trees. The coolest part was that it went through the same area as their haunted hayride (at night), and we got to see some of the props in the daylight. At one point two plumes of fire shot up alongside the path, giving us a little hint of what they must do at night. It was pretty cool advertising, I must say!
When we got back from the hayride, we convinced Jacob to go on the barrel train, a train of cars made out of blue plastic barrels and pulled by a tractor. He wanted Craig to ride with him, but the cars were tiny and I was his only option. I did take one decent self-portrait of us while we were waiting to move, but I sort of like this one better, despite the blatant defiance it displays...
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| Classic, no? This pretty much sums it up, I think. |
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| He did play, but this relaxation shot was funnier... |
Back out front, we saw more pumpkin people...
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| Yes, they're scaling the building! |
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| In case you're not familiar, it's a carnival duck in a piece of gutter connected to a manual water pump. |
We picked out a pumpkin to carve (though for the record, I didn't love their selection because the stems didn't look green enough, or long enough, for that matter) and a small pumpkin for pictures with Carter, and Jacob somehow snagged a free bundle of Indian corn. By that point we were freezing (it was only about 50 degrees, with limited sun) and we headed for the car.
Along the way we remembered the goats we saw grazing on the way in, and we headed over to visit them. Jacob discovered that they liked leaves nearly as much as goat food, and delighted in feeding them as many fallen leaves as he could find. I hope that's okay for them!
Back at home I got my picture of Carter with his little pumpkin!
You may recall my obsession with getting a picture of Jacob with a tiny pumpkin (the result is here), and while Carter is a little older, I was still determined. I still want a picture of him holding himself up on the big one, but we'll see. So cute, though!
As I mentioned, it's been a busy few days. Work is crazy and home is even crazier. I had a productive weekend that involved lots of laundry and going through the majority of my clothes to weed out stuff that no longer works. Between style changes, my post-pregnancy body, and the general passage of time there was a lot that needed to go. It felt good to get it out of the way, though it can be a little guilt-inducing, too, since it seems wasteful sometimes. I still have so many other things to do around this house, but that was a big one. Oh, and the kids' Halloween costumes are more or less ready to go, as well. Now if I could just figure out how we're going to eat gluten-free in the next couple days, that would be great. Stay tuned...
Saturday, October 19, 2013
What's Dragging Me Down...
Obviously the Jacob stuff is a big issue right now in our house, but I've noticed a few specific issues that are driving me nuts at the moment and just plain bumming me out:
Unfinished Projects - Everywhere I look in my house, there are things that need to be done. There are papers to sort through, things to pick up, crumbs on the countertops...and while all of that stuff bugs me (more on that in a second), what's really getting to me are the unfinished projects. I have an ungodly pile of Jacob's artwork from the beginning of time sitting in our office downstairs. Co-mingled with it are things that need to be scrapbooked, babybooked, or otherwise put away. I bought bins for both boys a while back that I intend to use as a spot to save stuff--mementos, artwork, special toys or clothes--but I haven't even started putting stuff in them. I had intended to take pictures of all of the artwork and toss all but the best, but now I'm realizing that will probably never happen. I want to still take pictures of the good stuff, keep the very best and ditch the rest, but that all takes time. A lot of it. I also have curtains that have been waiting to be hung since I was pregnant, and the spot over my bed (which I swore I'd fill once we got our new quilt) is still empty. Carter's room needs curtains, too, and I have a "C" decoration I've been meaning to do for months that isn't done. I have a few pictures that need hanging, I want to move my printer up from my desktop to my laptop, and both baby books need some updating. Jacob's is pretty much done aside from his 5th birthday and first day of school, but I haven't even started Carter's. Ugh. I also have some organizing of my digital music that needs to be done, and I'm a couple seasons behind on printing photos. Seriously, the list never ends...
Dirty House - Not gonna lie, my house is sort of gross and I worry about how it might be impacting us. It's been a long time since it got a deep cleaning, and I've only done a handful of moderate cleanings in the meantime, mostly before we have company. I can't tell you the last time I scrubbed my bathtub or my kitchen floor, though both desperately need it. It's been a while since everything's been vacuumed, partly because half the floors are usually covered with Legos or other small toys. I got so annoyed by the state of our living room carpet by the front door that I pulled out my carpet cleaner the other day and did the highest traffic area. I'm not convinced it did much, though, as it may be too far gone. Stupid off-white textured berber. Everything needs a good dusting, and all the nooks and crannies need scrubbing. I'm simply too tired at the end of the day to do any of it, and any time on the weekends is usually taken up by the kids or errands that need running. I dream about calling in a professional one of these days to just get me back to zero on it all, which at this point might be worth it, but I don't have any time to take off from work and I just don't trust anyone that much to not be there. Not to mention that it'd be just plain embarrassing for anyone to see the state of certain parts of the house. Ugh. I mean, it's not like we're hoarder-bad or anything, but it's still not good.
Solid Food - Carter is taking baby steps as far as eating solid foods, but I'm currently feeling a little stuck. We've done relatively well with everything except the rice cereal. He's not really a fan of the green veggies, but everything else (including meat) has gone over pretty well. It does cause him some constipation, though, which is sad. He doesn't seem too impacted by it most of the time, but it's weird to not have him pooping, or to have him grunting with nothing coming out. But what's really bugging me is that I feel like he's missing out, or that he's not getting enough. He's actually eating less overall right now than he was a couple months ago. While we were in Florida we transitioned to 7 oz. bottles every four hours, rather than 6 oz. every three. That dropped out at least one feeding a day, and usually now he has about four feedings...8:30, 12:30, 4:30, and 8:30, with one solid feeding at dinner time. I'm planning on sending solids to daycare soon, but I wanted to be sure he could tolerate foods before I sent them in. We now have a pretty good assortment of what he likes and tolerates, so I can do that soon, but knowing he's not getting the extra bulk of cereal right now, or learning how to eat finger foods like Cheerios or Puffs (which almost all have some sort of grain in them), I worry about whether he's getting enough. He's so skinny. Anyway, I feel like we're in a holding pattern until we see the allergist in a few weeks and hopefully get some insight into what we can or cannot give him. I can't bear the thought of making him sick again, so I'm very hesitant to try new things.
Gluten-Free Cooking - Honestly, I'm doing better with worrying less about gluten-free eating, but there are three elements that are still bugging me: Getting organized, eating out, and special events. I really need to sit down and list out what we eat now, figure out what can be altered (i.e., gluten-free pasta, different flours, etc.), and what can't. From there I also want to list out safe foods and try to make some new meals around those (i.e., stirfrys with gluten-free sauces). I'm annoyed that it will be so much harder to eat out, especially fast food when we need it for convenience purposes, so I need to do more research on Celiac-friendly places around town. While I'm glad there are a lot of cake mixes and cookie mixes that are safe, and gluten-free flour is pretty easy to come by, I still worry about going to picnics and parties because so much of what's there will be unknown and therefore unsafe. I'm going to have to plan ahead somehow or just be prepared for the unexpected (do I just keep PB&J and gluten-free crackers in the car or something?). No idea how to go about any of it, but that's on my mind--but again, most nights I'm too exhausted to think about it.
Working Mom Life - It seems like I routinely go through periods where I'm so annoyed by the working mom life. There aren't enough hours in the day, and my priorities are never where they should be. Lately it's been nagging me even more, for a few reasons. The easy one is that Carter is just so darn cute and I hate being away from him all day. He's my last baby and he's growing up so fast, and I'm afraid I'm missing out. But on a more practical level, I just hate how my schedule makes it harder to help Jacob through all he's been dealing with. It's hard to make up the time at work for all of his appointments, and I wish dearly that I could get myself out of bed earlier to get into work earlier, so I could get home earlier. It would make it easier for him to get his homework done, easier for me to put a good meal on the table, and give him more time at home to chill, so bedtime doesn't come up so quickly. But shifting my schedule would mean going to bed earlier, which means less time to get things done without interruption and less time to spend with Craig. So, I'm not sure that's a solution either. I just desperately wish I could work three days a week and have two days to cram in doctor's appointments, quality time with the kids, and anything else I need to do. But the finances never make sense, so it's just not happening. Not to mention that I'd totally be hanging my co-workers out to dry, which isn't fair to them either.
Babyproofing - I need to take the time to get the baby locks on all of the cabinets, and I need to figure out how we're babyproofing our entire main floor. This house makes things far more complicated than our old one, and I'm convinced that Carter will have gotten all of the "investigative" genes that Jacob did not. While Jacob certainly got into things, I never really worried that much about him getting into cabinets or climbing on furniture. I feel like we got lucky with him, though, and that Carter will be the opposite. Complicating matters is that we now have two readily accessible stairways to deal with. While we could just block the stairways and call it a day, part of me is considering getting one of those god-awful baby jails that gives him a play area bigger than a pack-n-play but prevents him from getting to either staircase, the TV, the kitchen, etc. There's a whole different philosophical discussion I could get into about providing a controlled play area vs. teaching your kid the value of the word "No"...where I used to fall on the latter end but now wonder if we didn't scold Jacob too much and dilute the effectiveness. Anyway...with two stairways to worry about (and all of Jacob's stuff, for that matter), it may just be easier to fence him in. We'll see.
Sick Kids - I have this one friend on Facebook who is always liking photos and statuses from every sick kid support page out there. Seriously. I know I shouldn't even look when I see those activities come across my feed, but somehow I get sucked in. On one hand, it makes me so grateful that my kids' issues seem minor in comparison, but on the other it's a reminder of how fragile life is and how tragedy can strike any of us. The other day there was a page about a baby boy that was born with a disease that makes his skin paper thin and he blisters with the slightest touch. The poor kid is full of scabs and scars, and he's currently got a tracheotomy. It looks like a miserable existence, but they soldier on trying to help him. I don't know what the long term prognosis is, though. Then I accidentally stumbled upon a blogger who I've read about before but hadn't checked in on for a while. A couple years ago she miscarried twins, maybe around 20 weeks. Then she tried to adopt, but that didn't work out for a few reasons. Well, apparently since I last checked in, she got pregnant again and had a seemingly healthy baby boy. Shortly after, however, they started to figure out that some of the ventricles of his heart weren't strong enough to pump properly, and while I don't know any of the details, I do know that he passed away after three weeks. How horrible to lose three babies in the course of a couple years. Add into that my two friends who each have kids fighting cancer, and let's just say that this hyperawareness of life's unexpected turns makes me simultaneously petrified for my own little world and super-thankful for all we have now. Perhaps life before the internet was much more blissful because it was harder to stumble upon every rare, bizarre, horrible thing that can befall humankind.
Differences of Opinion - One of the most important rules of parenting is to be on the same page with your co-parent. Right now we're not always. I mean, obviously we want Jacob to get better so we have that as a common goal, but how we get to that goal is a frequent point of contention right now. Even though Craig has stepped up his game as far as discipline is concerned, I still think he lets him off the hook (or at least comes to the rescue) a little too often. He thinks I fight too many of the small battles, though in my mind I'm just trying to be consistent. Lately Jacob's been crawling into our bed (on Craig's side) around 4-5am, pretty much every night. I'm not thrilled with it, partly because it's a bad habit and partly because it infringes on my wifely right to snuggle my husband, but given the current state of Jacob's and my relationship, the last thing I want at 4am is a battle if I try to take him back to his room. But even though we both agree it needs to stop, Craig lets him do it anyway. We each have different tolerances for different behaviors, and our tempers can vary from day to day, depending on a lot of factors. It's easy for one of us to tell the other to stay calm when we're not in the heat of the moment, or make suggestions for handling things, but it just doesn't always go over very well. I just hate that we can't seem to agree on a lot of that stuff right now, but we're managing. Still, it just bothers me because I know how bad of an issue that can be. Our marriage needs to be a priority in all of this, but it's hard when you're tired, stressed, and coming from two different schools of thought.
I don't want you to think that every waking moment is one big bummer, because in between Jacob outbursts, life is somewhat normal. But the outbursts are many and there's just a lot to think about these days. I did have a productive day today, nearly catching up on newspapers (which I have been behind on for months) and sorting through 75% of my clothes and designating quite a few things for donation. That was huge. Boy kids now have their Halloween costumes set, and hopefully tomorrow we'll get a pumpkin. We're blessed and thankful for all the good in our lives. We just wish for healthy kids and a little more time (or maybe a lot) to get life in order. But in the meantime, it's hard.
Unfinished Projects - Everywhere I look in my house, there are things that need to be done. There are papers to sort through, things to pick up, crumbs on the countertops...and while all of that stuff bugs me (more on that in a second), what's really getting to me are the unfinished projects. I have an ungodly pile of Jacob's artwork from the beginning of time sitting in our office downstairs. Co-mingled with it are things that need to be scrapbooked, babybooked, or otherwise put away. I bought bins for both boys a while back that I intend to use as a spot to save stuff--mementos, artwork, special toys or clothes--but I haven't even started putting stuff in them. I had intended to take pictures of all of the artwork and toss all but the best, but now I'm realizing that will probably never happen. I want to still take pictures of the good stuff, keep the very best and ditch the rest, but that all takes time. A lot of it. I also have curtains that have been waiting to be hung since I was pregnant, and the spot over my bed (which I swore I'd fill once we got our new quilt) is still empty. Carter's room needs curtains, too, and I have a "C" decoration I've been meaning to do for months that isn't done. I have a few pictures that need hanging, I want to move my printer up from my desktop to my laptop, and both baby books need some updating. Jacob's is pretty much done aside from his 5th birthday and first day of school, but I haven't even started Carter's. Ugh. I also have some organizing of my digital music that needs to be done, and I'm a couple seasons behind on printing photos. Seriously, the list never ends...
Dirty House - Not gonna lie, my house is sort of gross and I worry about how it might be impacting us. It's been a long time since it got a deep cleaning, and I've only done a handful of moderate cleanings in the meantime, mostly before we have company. I can't tell you the last time I scrubbed my bathtub or my kitchen floor, though both desperately need it. It's been a while since everything's been vacuumed, partly because half the floors are usually covered with Legos or other small toys. I got so annoyed by the state of our living room carpet by the front door that I pulled out my carpet cleaner the other day and did the highest traffic area. I'm not convinced it did much, though, as it may be too far gone. Stupid off-white textured berber. Everything needs a good dusting, and all the nooks and crannies need scrubbing. I'm simply too tired at the end of the day to do any of it, and any time on the weekends is usually taken up by the kids or errands that need running. I dream about calling in a professional one of these days to just get me back to zero on it all, which at this point might be worth it, but I don't have any time to take off from work and I just don't trust anyone that much to not be there. Not to mention that it'd be just plain embarrassing for anyone to see the state of certain parts of the house. Ugh. I mean, it's not like we're hoarder-bad or anything, but it's still not good.
Solid Food - Carter is taking baby steps as far as eating solid foods, but I'm currently feeling a little stuck. We've done relatively well with everything except the rice cereal. He's not really a fan of the green veggies, but everything else (including meat) has gone over pretty well. It does cause him some constipation, though, which is sad. He doesn't seem too impacted by it most of the time, but it's weird to not have him pooping, or to have him grunting with nothing coming out. But what's really bugging me is that I feel like he's missing out, or that he's not getting enough. He's actually eating less overall right now than he was a couple months ago. While we were in Florida we transitioned to 7 oz. bottles every four hours, rather than 6 oz. every three. That dropped out at least one feeding a day, and usually now he has about four feedings...8:30, 12:30, 4:30, and 8:30, with one solid feeding at dinner time. I'm planning on sending solids to daycare soon, but I wanted to be sure he could tolerate foods before I sent them in. We now have a pretty good assortment of what he likes and tolerates, so I can do that soon, but knowing he's not getting the extra bulk of cereal right now, or learning how to eat finger foods like Cheerios or Puffs (which almost all have some sort of grain in them), I worry about whether he's getting enough. He's so skinny. Anyway, I feel like we're in a holding pattern until we see the allergist in a few weeks and hopefully get some insight into what we can or cannot give him. I can't bear the thought of making him sick again, so I'm very hesitant to try new things.
Gluten-Free Cooking - Honestly, I'm doing better with worrying less about gluten-free eating, but there are three elements that are still bugging me: Getting organized, eating out, and special events. I really need to sit down and list out what we eat now, figure out what can be altered (i.e., gluten-free pasta, different flours, etc.), and what can't. From there I also want to list out safe foods and try to make some new meals around those (i.e., stirfrys with gluten-free sauces). I'm annoyed that it will be so much harder to eat out, especially fast food when we need it for convenience purposes, so I need to do more research on Celiac-friendly places around town. While I'm glad there are a lot of cake mixes and cookie mixes that are safe, and gluten-free flour is pretty easy to come by, I still worry about going to picnics and parties because so much of what's there will be unknown and therefore unsafe. I'm going to have to plan ahead somehow or just be prepared for the unexpected (do I just keep PB&J and gluten-free crackers in the car or something?). No idea how to go about any of it, but that's on my mind--but again, most nights I'm too exhausted to think about it.
Working Mom Life - It seems like I routinely go through periods where I'm so annoyed by the working mom life. There aren't enough hours in the day, and my priorities are never where they should be. Lately it's been nagging me even more, for a few reasons. The easy one is that Carter is just so darn cute and I hate being away from him all day. He's my last baby and he's growing up so fast, and I'm afraid I'm missing out. But on a more practical level, I just hate how my schedule makes it harder to help Jacob through all he's been dealing with. It's hard to make up the time at work for all of his appointments, and I wish dearly that I could get myself out of bed earlier to get into work earlier, so I could get home earlier. It would make it easier for him to get his homework done, easier for me to put a good meal on the table, and give him more time at home to chill, so bedtime doesn't come up so quickly. But shifting my schedule would mean going to bed earlier, which means less time to get things done without interruption and less time to spend with Craig. So, I'm not sure that's a solution either. I just desperately wish I could work three days a week and have two days to cram in doctor's appointments, quality time with the kids, and anything else I need to do. But the finances never make sense, so it's just not happening. Not to mention that I'd totally be hanging my co-workers out to dry, which isn't fair to them either.
Babyproofing - I need to take the time to get the baby locks on all of the cabinets, and I need to figure out how we're babyproofing our entire main floor. This house makes things far more complicated than our old one, and I'm convinced that Carter will have gotten all of the "investigative" genes that Jacob did not. While Jacob certainly got into things, I never really worried that much about him getting into cabinets or climbing on furniture. I feel like we got lucky with him, though, and that Carter will be the opposite. Complicating matters is that we now have two readily accessible stairways to deal with. While we could just block the stairways and call it a day, part of me is considering getting one of those god-awful baby jails that gives him a play area bigger than a pack-n-play but prevents him from getting to either staircase, the TV, the kitchen, etc. There's a whole different philosophical discussion I could get into about providing a controlled play area vs. teaching your kid the value of the word "No"...where I used to fall on the latter end but now wonder if we didn't scold Jacob too much and dilute the effectiveness. Anyway...with two stairways to worry about (and all of Jacob's stuff, for that matter), it may just be easier to fence him in. We'll see.
Sick Kids - I have this one friend on Facebook who is always liking photos and statuses from every sick kid support page out there. Seriously. I know I shouldn't even look when I see those activities come across my feed, but somehow I get sucked in. On one hand, it makes me so grateful that my kids' issues seem minor in comparison, but on the other it's a reminder of how fragile life is and how tragedy can strike any of us. The other day there was a page about a baby boy that was born with a disease that makes his skin paper thin and he blisters with the slightest touch. The poor kid is full of scabs and scars, and he's currently got a tracheotomy. It looks like a miserable existence, but they soldier on trying to help him. I don't know what the long term prognosis is, though. Then I accidentally stumbled upon a blogger who I've read about before but hadn't checked in on for a while. A couple years ago she miscarried twins, maybe around 20 weeks. Then she tried to adopt, but that didn't work out for a few reasons. Well, apparently since I last checked in, she got pregnant again and had a seemingly healthy baby boy. Shortly after, however, they started to figure out that some of the ventricles of his heart weren't strong enough to pump properly, and while I don't know any of the details, I do know that he passed away after three weeks. How horrible to lose three babies in the course of a couple years. Add into that my two friends who each have kids fighting cancer, and let's just say that this hyperawareness of life's unexpected turns makes me simultaneously petrified for my own little world and super-thankful for all we have now. Perhaps life before the internet was much more blissful because it was harder to stumble upon every rare, bizarre, horrible thing that can befall humankind.
Differences of Opinion - One of the most important rules of parenting is to be on the same page with your co-parent. Right now we're not always. I mean, obviously we want Jacob to get better so we have that as a common goal, but how we get to that goal is a frequent point of contention right now. Even though Craig has stepped up his game as far as discipline is concerned, I still think he lets him off the hook (or at least comes to the rescue) a little too often. He thinks I fight too many of the small battles, though in my mind I'm just trying to be consistent. Lately Jacob's been crawling into our bed (on Craig's side) around 4-5am, pretty much every night. I'm not thrilled with it, partly because it's a bad habit and partly because it infringes on my wifely right to snuggle my husband, but given the current state of Jacob's and my relationship, the last thing I want at 4am is a battle if I try to take him back to his room. But even though we both agree it needs to stop, Craig lets him do it anyway. We each have different tolerances for different behaviors, and our tempers can vary from day to day, depending on a lot of factors. It's easy for one of us to tell the other to stay calm when we're not in the heat of the moment, or make suggestions for handling things, but it just doesn't always go over very well. I just hate that we can't seem to agree on a lot of that stuff right now, but we're managing. Still, it just bothers me because I know how bad of an issue that can be. Our marriage needs to be a priority in all of this, but it's hard when you're tired, stressed, and coming from two different schools of thought.
I don't want you to think that every waking moment is one big bummer, because in between Jacob outbursts, life is somewhat normal. But the outbursts are many and there's just a lot to think about these days. I did have a productive day today, nearly catching up on newspapers (which I have been behind on for months) and sorting through 75% of my clothes and designating quite a few things for donation. That was huge. Boy kids now have their Halloween costumes set, and hopefully tomorrow we'll get a pumpkin. We're blessed and thankful for all the good in our lives. We just wish for healthy kids and a little more time (or maybe a lot) to get life in order. But in the meantime, it's hard.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
One step at a time...
Today we met with Jacob's therapist. I don't know if I should really call her that, but it simplifies things, you know? She's actually a social worker. She's met with Jacob five or six times, and she wanted to meet with us to discuss some next steps and get an update from our perspective. We told her about some of the things we've been experiencing most recently, and she eventually shared with us her thoughts.
So...she suggested we get him evaluated by the school district. While she suspects there is some ADHD going on, but she doesn't want to say that definitively because there may be some other mental health issues happening as well. Some of the things that she's been hearing make her unsure. She's spoken with the school counselor about his distraction level at school. The counselor shared that sometimes he just stares off into space or seems like he's in his own little world. We mentioned that for a while he was telling us that his brain told him to do something bad, though that has trailed off a bit. However, more recently he either apologizes for something he didn't actually do (like hit us, despite being two feet away) or says that he "almost" did something (like choke at dinner, which he clearly did not). We don't know if his brain is just too full, or if he's hearing voices or envisioning himself doing things. So while ADHD may be part of his issues, there may be more happening there. The evaluation through the district should give us more insight.
I think what shocked us more than anything was that she referred to it as "severe" ADHD. We figured it might be minor ADHD (along with more, perhaps), but the "severe" adjective was something that we weren't prepared for. There's no telling what treatments might be down the road, or what services he might need from the district, but we'll do whatever we can to get him help...even consider medication. I fear all of the ups and downs that could go along with finding the right medicine and dose, but if we can find something that helps him, it'll all be worth it.
The wild card, of course, is the gluten-free diet. Maybe it will do nothing, but maybe it will make all the difference. We've heard plenty of stories about how it's helped people, but maybe it won't make as big of a difference as we hope. Maybe his issues are more significant than that. But right now we need to start with that and see how it goes. I'm also trying to eliminate as many artificial colors from his diet as possible, starting with his vitamins and toothpaste. I think it'll be easier with the gluten-free diet since so much of that is "natural" anyway. I'm not crazy-vigilant about it, but I'm definitely keeping an eye out.
We might never know why all of this is happening to him, but we're going to do everything we can to help him. We can blame ourselves all we want--Craig wonders about a medication he was taking when we conceived, I wonder if there was something I did while pregnant, and we both wonder about past discipline decisions--but at this point we can't change how we got here. We can only do everything in our power to help Jacob emerge from it a better person, and try to help Carter to avoid it, if possible. It absolutely breaks our hearts to see him going through all of this, and to see how it's impacting every aspect of his life. His relationship with us, his ability to learn at school, his friendships...everything is affected. I just hope we can help him soon enough to prevent permanent damage.
In the meantime we just have to be patient and hope for the best. We have lots of people praying for us, and we're sending up plenty of our own, as well. For now, that's all we can do. One week left before a new beginning...
So...she suggested we get him evaluated by the school district. While she suspects there is some ADHD going on, but she doesn't want to say that definitively because there may be some other mental health issues happening as well. Some of the things that she's been hearing make her unsure. She's spoken with the school counselor about his distraction level at school. The counselor shared that sometimes he just stares off into space or seems like he's in his own little world. We mentioned that for a while he was telling us that his brain told him to do something bad, though that has trailed off a bit. However, more recently he either apologizes for something he didn't actually do (like hit us, despite being two feet away) or says that he "almost" did something (like choke at dinner, which he clearly did not). We don't know if his brain is just too full, or if he's hearing voices or envisioning himself doing things. So while ADHD may be part of his issues, there may be more happening there. The evaluation through the district should give us more insight.
I think what shocked us more than anything was that she referred to it as "severe" ADHD. We figured it might be minor ADHD (along with more, perhaps), but the "severe" adjective was something that we weren't prepared for. There's no telling what treatments might be down the road, or what services he might need from the district, but we'll do whatever we can to get him help...even consider medication. I fear all of the ups and downs that could go along with finding the right medicine and dose, but if we can find something that helps him, it'll all be worth it.
The wild card, of course, is the gluten-free diet. Maybe it will do nothing, but maybe it will make all the difference. We've heard plenty of stories about how it's helped people, but maybe it won't make as big of a difference as we hope. Maybe his issues are more significant than that. But right now we need to start with that and see how it goes. I'm also trying to eliminate as many artificial colors from his diet as possible, starting with his vitamins and toothpaste. I think it'll be easier with the gluten-free diet since so much of that is "natural" anyway. I'm not crazy-vigilant about it, but I'm definitely keeping an eye out.
We might never know why all of this is happening to him, but we're going to do everything we can to help him. We can blame ourselves all we want--Craig wonders about a medication he was taking when we conceived, I wonder if there was something I did while pregnant, and we both wonder about past discipline decisions--but at this point we can't change how we got here. We can only do everything in our power to help Jacob emerge from it a better person, and try to help Carter to avoid it, if possible. It absolutely breaks our hearts to see him going through all of this, and to see how it's impacting every aspect of his life. His relationship with us, his ability to learn at school, his friendships...everything is affected. I just hope we can help him soon enough to prevent permanent damage.
In the meantime we just have to be patient and hope for the best. We have lots of people praying for us, and we're sending up plenty of our own, as well. For now, that's all we can do. One week left before a new beginning...
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Eight Months!
I can barely believe that Carter is eight months old! We're two-thirds of the way through his first year already. It has absolutely flown by. I have a hard time believing that it's already mid-October, seeing as how we were only a month and a half into the new year when Carter made his appearance, and life has been non-stop since. Seasons have come and gone, clothes have been outgrown, and one doctor's appointment after another (for both kids) have kept things moving at a brisk pace. I've been back to work for over six months already. Halloween is just two weeks away, and Christmas is coming quicker than I'd like to admit, judging by the Christmas trees on display at K-Mart yesterday when I stopped in for Halloween shopping (yep, I was that desperate).
The last few months have been some of the most stressful of my life, no doubt, and the fog I was in for so long contributed even more to the time warp. Going to Florida seems to have helped the fog dissipate, though we still have a long road ahead of us that I may just be in denial about. Gluten-free life is coming soon, and I'm officially starting to panic about Carter's chances of eating any sort of real birthday cake in four months. Dairy and rice are known question marks, so who knows what wheat (which, of course, Jacob won't be able to eat) might do. We'll know more in three weeks, I hope, or we'll at least be on the path to knowing more. It's comforting to know that he should outgrow this stuff at some point, but who knows what else we'll pick up along the way. The good news is that he's currently an absurdly happy kid, so I'm hoping that he'll just take everything in stride as he gets older.
Speaking of happy, I can't even begin to explain how happy he is. He's so smiley and even makes a lot of happy noises now. I'm not particularly fond of his one happy screech, but knowing he's happy makes me happy nonetheless. He takes such joy from seeing people, even his brother who completely ignores him. He makes people smile wherever he goes--church, restaurants, stores, daycare--and garners an awful lot of "Oh, he's so cute!" I don't know what it is about him, but it's uncanny. People just love him. I sometimes say that he must just have a "light" about him that just brightens people's days. Jacob was a cute and generally happy baby, too, and people loved his dimple, but I truly don't think I got the same reaction when he was this age. There is just something special about Carter.
The other night I was talking out loud to him, and I said something to him about him being the perfect baby for me. He's just such a good baby. We couldn't have asked for a better one given all that we've been through in the past couple months. I found my own statement ironic, though, considering how badly I wanted a girl. It was one year ago this Thursday that we found out he was a boy, and I'll admit, I was really sad. I still get sad once in a while, mostly when I think about how my boys are going to grow up and leave me (and probably turn me into that mother-in-law), but how a daughter would have had the potential to be a dear friend forever. But Carter has been such an amazing baby that I can't even complain. God knew exactly what kind of baby we needed, and he sent him. As much as I would have loved a girl, I know that Carter's arrival here was for a reason, and there's probably some other reason that I'm not meant to be the mom to a girl.
Eight months in, he brings me so much more joy than I could have imagined. I need it now, more than ever. While I love my kids equally, there's no doubt that right now Carter is the one that keeps me going through the worst of it. He is a godsend, literally. Happy eight months, sweet boy...
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