Back to the Little Things

During the pandemic, I found myself living for all the little things.  We didn't have a lot of "big things" happening since we rarely left the house and didn't go to many gatherings, so we perked up our days with little things--slushies, baking cookies and bagels, spring flowers and warm weather runs, dinner takeout once a week, and the simple joys of game nights, movie nights, socially distanced outings, or Zoom happy hours pretty much got us through some days.  It got to the point where I felt like we had to rein in the "special" treats because they weren't very special anymore, since we did them all the time.  Lately I feel like I'm back in that mode, latching on to little joys to get me through when everything feels a little blah or bleak.

I'm not entirely sure why it's happening, because things clearly aren't as dire right now as they were mid-pandemic.  Most days I feel pretty even-keeled--maybe not over-the-top positive, but not down in the dumps either.  So why do I feel like these little joys are getting me through again?  My best guess is that because my brain isn't completely consumed by anxiety, it's noticing other things and taking joy in them again.  Theory #2 is that there are still a handful of things causing me varying degrees of concern, and my defense mechanism is my brain distracting itself with other things.  It's sort of like when everything feels out of control and I feel better after organizing a closet because it gave me control over something, but in this case it might be beauty or simple pleasures in the midst of the muck.  While I'd like the reason I'm doing this to be the first option, my suspicion is that it's more the second one.  My anxiety doesn't spiral like it used to, but it doesn't mean the problems don't exist--they sort of just sit there festering and my brain evades them as much as it can until I can't ignore it anymore.  This past week was a bit tougher mentally.  My body was doing a few oddball things again, and it was enough to make me consider taking my rescue med klonopin more than once, which I hadn't done at all since I eased off the dose I was on early in this process.  My digestion was off again, my neck was still sore, and I started waking up again at night and not falling back to sleep.  I think some of the not sleeping had to do with deciding to finally get Carter tested for Celiac Disease.  Of course, I realized the day we did it that when he turned 12 I lost access to most of his medical stuff online.  It's a state law meant to give kids in bad family situations some autonomy, but for regular old families, it's a pain in the butt.  I hadn't figured out how to get his consent documented to regain MyChart access before the weekend, so none of his results came through.  I'll hopefully figure that out this week, but we have a doctor appointment before that so hopefully they can clue us in to the results.  But that whole situation was weighing on me a lot, and when it entered my brain at night, it was hard to get it back out.

But in between worries, I was still really appreciating my refreshed Easter decor and my new earring holder, and particularly enjoyed a really good coffee Friday morning and the couple walks I got in during the week.  I was just sort of irrationally excited about it all, to the point I wanted to post about things on social media but knew I probably needed to draw the line there because it was pretty much just stuff I would care about.  I was also overly proud of myself for getting in touch with our plumber to get a couple things taken care of.  For reference, I had been putting off getting in touch with him since the fall, when our garbage disposal started leaking.  I contacted him and then never heard back and it got awkward, and then the anxiety took over and I just couldn't be bothered after that so we just haven't been using that side of the sink very much.  But then we had a pipe start to drip in our basement and that obviously got things moving again.  House adulting is not my strong suit, so that was progress to get on that quickly.  I'm still feeling oddly motivated to call to get our wind-damaged porch ceiling fixed, too--maybe this week.  

Oh, and remember last weekend when I was so excited that I finally got the long-awaited black boots?  Well...the other day I went to wear them with a dress for work and absolutely hated how they looked with it.  I tried on a couple other things, and it was no better.  I think they were just a little too tall and it was throwing my proportions off.  I was so bummed!  I had bought them with a 40% off coupon so I was worried I wouldn't find anything else that cheap and felt like I was destined to be right back at square one for another year.  Fortunately, Kohl's had just transitioned to an additional 50% off clearance, so I decided to run there after work that day (with my dress on, I wasn't taking any chances) and try to find the other boots I had considered.  I was worried they wouldn't be there after all those days of extra discounts, or if they were, that I wouldn't like them with the dress either.  But sure enough, they were right where I left them.  I tried them on side-by-side with my old ones and they really weren't that different aside from less of a heel and a rounder toe, but they were so close.  I did one more sweep and tried on another pair that wasn't quite right, so it made my decision pretty clear.  And with the extra percent off, they were going to be even cheaper than the other ones!  Once I settled on that, I remembered that there were a couple things on the clearance racks the previous weekend that I was tempted to get, but held off because I didn't really need them.  Well, because they were now an additional 50% off (and I got my $5 Kohl's cash back), I decided to see if those things were still around.  All but one thing was, and in the end I got the boots plus three additional shirts, all for only a dollar more than I spent on the original boots!  I got a simple short-sleeved green t-shirt (one of the few colors I didn't have) for $2.50, a long-sleeved green t-shirt with gold Christmas trees and stars for $1.50, and a green (yep, all three, not on purpose) tunic hoodie sweater that's identical to the cozy pink one I bought a few weeks ago and LOVE, for less than $9.  The holiday shirt was the wildcard--I'm not really into holiday-themed clothes, but it's festive and a more modern print, more classy than cheesy, and for $1.50 it will be a nice option for holiday days at work or even a comfy, festive shirt for Christmas Day.  But again, I was irrationally excited about my finds and they made my day.  

Right before that shopping trip I gave myself permission to stop at Target and buy something I told myself I wouldn't.  They had blown glass Easter eggs this year, and you know how I am with glass!  I had seen the big one a couple weeks ago but knew I didn't want to take on that one.  But then I saw our store had the set of two smaller ones in stock, and if I used Target gift cards I'd been holding on to for months, they'd be really cheap.  I figured they'd be a nice addition to my mantel and maybe my living room cube shelves, and I just knew that it was another little thing that would bring me a little extra joy, so I let myself do it.  And I do love them.

After all of that (and a day off Friday that I'll get into in my next post), I spent most of this weekend trying to clean my house.  It had gotten pretty grubby and cluttered, and it was driving me nuts, especially because the plumber is coming Tuesday and I didn't want it to look like the hoarder house, you know?  But getting Jacob to clean anything is exhausting, and it took lots of asking to get anything done.  He did neaten up his usual pile of sneakers, school stuff, clothes, and basketballs, which was a huge help.  That alone made us look much more functional.  The living room coffee table still needs some work, but it's progress.  I spent most of Saturday doing every little project around the house, probably to put off the inevitable dusting, vacuuming, and Wet Swiffering that I dislike so much.  The decluttering is much more rewarding.  I switched out Carter's hand-me-down bin, changed my sheets (flannel is too hot for me right now), thought through a couple reorganization projects, posted a bunch of stuff on the Buy Nothing page that I've been meaning to post for months, and finally cleared out a dumping spot in my room that included the diamond painting I've been holding on to for almost five years.  

Remember how I did a diamond painting at the beginning of the pandemic?  I coincidentally happened to start it the week before everything shut down, and it provided a really nice distraction for the first three months.  It took me at least a couple years to get it framed and hung over my bed, but I always loved it and wanted to do more.  Right around the time I finished the first one, I ordered another one.  Because it was coming from China in the middle of the pandemic, that didn't go particularly well.  It took months to finally show up, and I think between wanting to save it for cold weather, getting back to normal life, and a typically busy dining room table (we had a puzzle phase for a while, Carter still does homework there, and holidays tend to fill it up, too), I just never got back around to doing it.  I have been really meaning to for a while, and finally added it to my to-do list a couple weeks ago to force myself to remember.  This weekend when I cleaned out that corner where it had been sitting, it was the perfect excuse to get it out.  I started flattening it from five years of being rolled up, and finally did some yesterday.  It was still very enjoyable, although a bit harder with worse eyes, shakier hands (thanks to the Zoloft, I think), and tenser shoulders.  Shorter spurts will be needed this time, I think.  But doing that definitely made me happy!

The very beginning of a lovely sunset view

Getting my house back in some sort of order (or in other cases, just thinking about it) was a good mental boost.  I still have so many things to work on, but reminding myself that I could be productive was helpful, because it hasn't been as easy as I hoped it would be post-anxiety.  I had assumed that when the weight of anxiety came off, I'd feel more empowered to do things.  That hasn't exactly happened, at least not consistently.  I have bursts, but a lot is still a struggle.  But maybe that has more to do with my suspected late-onset ADHD, or at least some mild neurodivergence that makes the build-up to certain takes overwhelming.  Of course, this weekend I was probably motivated by the fact that I won't be here to do anything next weekend.  It's Jacob's first tournament weekend and I'm on deck.  We'll have to leave sometime Friday and we're bringing a kid he barely knows, so it's going to be a challenging, extra long drive.  I know how tired I am when we get back from those trips, so I know my productivity is going to take a hit after this.  But this weekend did its job pretty well and I'm hoping that makes me a bit more content going into another busy week.

Oh, and the weather isn't really doing me any favors either.  Normally I rely on that to perk me up this time of year, but we're in the middle of a terrible stretch.  We get a warm day here and there, but it generally comes with rain and/or wind.  In between it's been cold and drizzly.  There still isn't a solid stretch anywhere in the extended forecast.  We even had a minor ice storm the other night.  Just a tenth of an inch of ice, so not a big deal, but Michigan got hammered.  For us it was just a pleasant opportunity wander outside on Saturday night to take pictures and videos like this:

I just really want the weather to break so at least the warmth and sun and colorful foliage will give me another option for a natural boost.  Not to mention that it increases my ability to take nearly-daily walks, as they help too.  It looks like my work is starting a new challenge, too, so getting back to it would be helpful.  I don't really want to get back in the pandemic habit of making myself happy through material things or food, or really anything outside of my faith and my family, but I feel like this reliance on external factors is just another phase of getting my brain back in order after more than eight months of overwhelming, often paralyzing, anxiety.  Hopefully they're just little boosts to help get me to the next level of functionality.  All of this has definitely been a process, and thankfully not a terrible one, but it has given me a lot of food for thought as I work through where my mental health sits on any given day.  Better than it was a couple months ago, but still a work-in-progress.  And maybe these little things are just a little reinforcement for now, en route to a better place.