Adulting at its Finest

I've shared here more than once that I swear something shifted in my brain back around the pandemic and I would bet that if I pushed it, I could get some sort of neurodivergent diagnosis.  I was a bit of an anxious kid about a number of different things including an assortment of typical fears--losing loved ones, fire, weather, being in front of crowds--and I have always felt a degree of social anxiety.  I was a procrastinator, a doodler, and a daydreamer.  So maybe I could have always gotten a diagnosis if we pushed it then, but I was a smart girl and therefore no one ever thought twice about it.  I've obviously learned a lot about neurodivergence with two ADHD kids and have seen a lot of those characteristics in myself, though maybe not to the degree that would warrant a diagnosis.  But since the pandemic, I feel like things shifted further.  I really began to struggle with typical adulting things, like calling for appointments or cleaning the house, and even dumb stuff like picking something to watch on TV or food to make for a party.  I spend way too much time with my phone simply disassociating, and have become increasingly unable to have music or the TV on while I'm working from home, which was never an issue before.  It could be pandemic stress left its mark on my brain, and more recently I started to assume early peri-menopause has been changing my brain further.

Then came the last seven months.  I don't know if it was the constant stream of worries or the lack of a resolution or a combination of all of the above, but I am convinced my brain chemistry has evolved even further.  So many things are more of a struggle than ever.  I'm okay, I promise.  I'm plugging along, but it's a lot some days.

Earlier this week it was becoming clear to me that I had to take some action.  The back pain I've been dealing with was really starting to get to me and was riling up this nasty case of health anxiety I've picked up over the last seven months.  It just didn't feel like "normal" back pain.  I'm used to back pain feeling like fatigue, a pulled muscle, or nerve jolts.  This felt more like someone had punched me in the back and I had a massive goose egg or bruise back there.  While it wasn't the easiest place to feel (partly because it was the middle of my back and partly because my left arm (while better) still has limited range), I couldn't feel much.  I put some heat on it Tuesday while I worked and hoped that would help, but it was so sore in the evening again.  I tried feeling it again while I was bent over putting on shoes and I swear I felt a tiny little nodule in there.  It was squishy and seemed to move, which told me it probably wasn't a tumor but could be some sort of tiny cyst irritating things.  I then moved away a bit from the tumor thought and wondered if it could be a bulging disc or something similar.  But with all the other little "off" things I've been noticing (including some unintentional weight loss that could be part of the anxiety), it definitely had my brain churning.  And it just didn't seem to be getting better.  

Thankfully, Wednesday it did feel better, which was a little weird since there was no clear reason why.  It gave me some peace of mind, but I was definitely going to see if my chiropractor could feel up my spine on Thursday to see if anything felt weird, which I did, and she didn't.  It's definitely better now, but still similar to how it felt before it really flared up.  Just keeping an eye on it.

Getting back to Tuesday, in the midst of the worst of it, I spent my lunch trying to address a lot of my nagging worries.  I made an eye appointment for Jacob so we can address a couple things that have been bugging him lately (I know, like we need another broken body part).  I made my annual physical appointment (not until July) because they had texted me to make it.  I finally got an overdue OB/GYN appointment after they pushed me off at the end of the year due to transitioning into the URMC system.  Luckily, that one is Monday so I don't have to wait long, and that will actually cross one more potential concern off my list if I get a clean bill of health there.  Bonus points if the provider I see has any peri-menopause words of wisdom.  I also--finally--called to start therapy.  I have been putting it off for months, and I finally did it.  And I got an appointment for the next day, no less.  I got to a point where I realized this anxiety isn't going away on its own.  I either have to take action to rule out the issues that are bugging me, or I have to see if there's a physical reason why this is happening.  It's entirely possible it's more of a chemical thing than simply just a bunch of worries.  The way it's gotten so automatic, the way the dread pops up at the most random times, the way it defaults to the worst-case scenario, the consistent sleep issues...it's hit a level far beyond anything I have ever experienced.  It also impacts Jacob and ramps him up when I can't control my own, so there was no doubt in my mind that it was time.

But imagine what a relief and victory it was to do all four of those calls in a lunch hour and check them all off my list.  Way too big for a grown adult, I suppose, but it felt important to start checking off things that are causing me anxiety in any way.  Oh, and I also filled out my colonoscopy paperwork that I've been putting off the weekend before.  They still haven't called me to set one up, though.  That and a couple of those other things are also important steps in eventually deciding whether I will be calling my regular doctor to push her to check me for more serious issues, if my body keeps doing weird things.  If things can get checked off the list, at least I'm covering as many bases as possible so she can't send me off to wait it out or check other things.  She's not the best with suspected hypochondriacs, so I need to cover my bases.

My first therapy appointment was...about what you'd expect, minus the couch.  What I didn't expect was to be on the verge of tears the entire time.  I spend a lot of time thinking about all the things we've gone through since last summer, and I even sort of talked it through with myself to think about what I might want to share, but I guess saying it all out loud was different.  My voice was shaky the entire time and it was a sobering reminder that it's been a rough stretch.  I told a lot of long stories of how I got here, and we even dug into a few things I didn't expect to.  I guess whatever I did talk about was enough to immediately make her think I will need the next step up.  Basically, I'm going through a work-provided program that offers five free sessions of therapy, meant to treat shorter-term issues.  Beyond that there's another program that's longer-term.  I'll have to pay for it until we hit our deductible, but I genuinely feel like I don't have a choice at this point.  She seemed to think I have enough to unpack that I made my appointment for that other program that day.  Oh, and there's another one the following week for a medication evaluation, so I'm curious to see how that goes.  I don't love the idea of medicating, but I know enough people who do and if it's the best thing to help me, that's fine.  But maybe we try something like magnesium first?  

I realized this weekend that my anxiety may be impacting me more than I thought.  I know all the typical ways it's affecting me on a daily basis, but I had a realization that it might be more seriously affecting my decision-making abilities in a way I didn't even notice.  On Friday night, Jacob had a basketball game about 90 minutes away.  The weather was going to be terrible and they were going to lose, so he was fine with just taking the team bus and having Carter and me stay home (Craig was in Philadelphia).  Carter and I were trying to figure out dinner, but he kept not having good answers about what he wanted because he was engrossed in his phone, and I was just feeling sort of meh about everything so I wasn't really pushing it.  But the more I thought about going anywhere, the more my nervousness flared up, for no apparent reason.  I mean, I know the weather was bad, but it was to the point that none of the food sounded good at all.  I feel like I've had this issue--both the nervousness about going out anywhere and the issue of food not appealing to me--for weeks.  I think it's been contributing to my weight loss, but it's hard to tell.  But that night, we just couldn't come to a solution--especially when it seemed like the best timing would involve us eating out en route to get Jacob--and I was really getting frustrated with myself and feeling bad for Carter.  I just felt stuck because nothing he wanted sounded good, and we were now running out of time.  I realized later that it was possible that those anxious feelings seem to crop up most when I have decisions to make and no clear path.  My appetite has been down, and some of that might just be a lack of good snacks in the house, but truthfully, it's not every meal--it's mostly just the ones where I have to make a decision.  Same thing if I have to make dinner and I'm afraid that Jacob and his spotty appetite won't like it, because I don't want to make his issues worse either.  Appetite and weight have been worries of his in recent months, too, most especially since his surgery.  It's like all the struggles I've had--worrying about feeding Jacob something he'll like and won't cause him an aversion, being overwhelmed with worries for him and myself, and maybe even to some degree my nervousness with driving places since my accident--have all culminated in my brain going into fight-or-flight mode for something as simple as picking dinner.  It seems extreme, but it sort of makes sense.  But it just added credence to the idea that my brain chemistry has officially gone off the deep end a bit, because this is clearly an overreaction to a small issue.  Those things just feel so much more overwhelming now, and I don't know why.  So, at least I'm on track to work through that.  The rest of my physical stuff will be more of a process, but the key is just sticking with it, getting things checked where I can, and ultimately seeing if (much like I suspected with Jacob) the stress could be causing a few of my physical symptoms as well.  But at least I'm trying.

On the bright side, Jacob seems to be in slightly better spirits these days.  It seemed like his cleanout may have improved some of his reflux and stomach issues.  His fatigue has improved a bit, as well.  His leg is getting stronger by the day, and he's really encouraged by it.  He still has some discomfort when he works it out hard, but he is getting more confident now that he's well past the month mark.  He's targeting mid-month to get back to playing in games, which would pretty much be a game against his old school and any sectional games.  There's a chance they could pull off the first one with him playing and earn a second one, but I guess we'll see.  He still has a couple worries (including the one that spawned the eye exam), but we're getting there.  He did start feeling like he might be getting a cold this weekend, and that started worrying him a little all over again because previous random viruses have jumpstarted the random symptoms multiple times in the past.  This time of year it's almost inevitable, but we'll cross our fingers.  We also met with his school last week to address some of his concerns and hopefully make him feel a bit more heard moving forward.  He still wants to switch schools, but it might get him through this year a bit easier.

Mentally it was also another tough week thanks to a constant stream of discouraging news.  There was a plane crash into the Potomac River that killed 67 people, the first US commercial fatalities since the plane that crashed in Buffalo in 2009.  Craig was uncharacteristically nervous about traveling this weekend (and ended up having a really bad flight with turbulence and a sick seatmate), and it struck me how lucky we've been to have such a long stretch without crashes.  I used to be really nervous when he traveled, and I guess that was able to fade as air travel felt so much safer over these last 15 years.  The crash was really horrible and so tragic, as it notably killed a bunch of young US Figure Skating prospects and their families and coaches.  Then, the night Craig got to Philadelphia, there was a small Learjet crash right in Philly.  It was a medical plane that went down in a busy area, right near a mall and a ton of dense residential housing.  Six people died on the plane and one on the ground, with a lot of residential and car fires around it.  Again, so tragic.  And, of course, the political realm just gets more bizarre by the day.  Trump has started trade wars with Canada and Mexico, there was almost a shutdown of endless government program funding (pending "further review") until a judge blocked it, government agencies are forbidden from celebrating DEI-related holidays, pronouns must come out of email signatures, trans people are watching their rights evaporate, there's legislation deeming the inaugural prayer service sermon a "distorted" message (even though it was quite biblical, just a bit convicting), and another piece of legislation is threatening criminal charges for politicians that vote for immigration policies that are contrary to Trump's.  Like, what dystopian world are we living in right now?  Every day there's something weirder and more outrageous.

Another week is upon us and I have three appointments that will inevitably make it go pretty quick, as well as planning for Carter's birthday party next weekend, which is also Craig's first weekend off since November.  After that it's one more full week of school and work, and then we'll be on to (maybe) Jacob's return to the court, Carter's birthday, our annual Strong Museum visit, and February break.  I keep hoping a busy month of things will make spring get here faster (as snow continues to pile up every couple days), but as we all know, spring takes its time no matter what.  I need some things to look forward to, so I'm hoping those will fit the bill for now.  Day by day, right?