I usually try not to go more than a week or so without a post, but it's been tough to come here and write lately. Everything feels challenging and overwhelming, and my anxiety has been on high alert the whole time. Most of the time I feel like I should just spare anyone else the frustration.
The week started off quiet enough, I guess. The boys and I had off on Monday. We got a bunch of snow overnight, probably about six inches. But after shoveling all of that, I was pretty tired and laid low most of the day. My lower back in particular was really sore. My back has been bothering me more lately, and even though the snow wasn't heavy, it made my back really tired and sore. Jacob had off on Tuesday due to the extra cold weather. I finally had my chiropractor appointment I had to postpone the previous Friday, and whatever she did really did help. Wednesday both boys got off due to the sub-zero wind chills. I had to work because I had a big team meeting and a fun event after. Craig worked part of the day but took Jacob for his X-ray in the afternoon. It was a bit of a debacle--first they went to the wrong place and then there was no order on file once they got to the right one. I was trying to fix it from my work event at a golf simulator place, and they finally got in for the X-ray just in time. I missed half the fun, but it was important to get that done. We got the results within a couple hours, but it was tough to decode what it said. I could at least figure out that there was no kidney stone. So we officially don't know what happened there--did he pass it? Was it something weird about the X-ray? Was there some sort of calcification in the poop in his system? We may never know. He did have some pretty severe kidney pain twice on Sunday but nothing came of it that we could tell. After discussing the results with the GI the following day, she suggested Jacob do a cleanout this weekend--14 capfuls of Miralax in 64 oz. of water. Yippee.
In the meantime, I was having similar issues myself. I wasn't sure if taking ibuprofen for the back soreness backed me up, but it sure seemed like it because I was barely going and when I did it wasn't much. I was having little gas pains too. Miralax twice a day for a couple days did nothing, so late in the week I took a different type of laxative that started working at 5am Friday morning. I do think it helped because I realized that bathroom trip #3 or 4 midday had stuff from my previous day's lunch, so things were definitely taking longer to make it through than I'd expect. I'm still not entirely back to normal on that front, but I think it helped.
I'm honestly still dealing with a lot of anxiety about my own health. Any of the things I've had going on wouldn't be an issue by themselves, but together...my brain goes to weird places. Back pain, possible GI issues, possible weight loss that I haven't been trying to do...it's not ideal. The weight loss could be because I'm not craving any of the snacks in our house (or is that loss of appetite?) and I keep falling asleep in the evenings before I snack. But maybe when I lost a couple pounds during Walktober, it wasn't actually the walking? I'm down about 4-5 pounds since early October, and I should really be going the other way as I head toward menopause. I know I've had a ton of stress and I'm back to not sleeping great, in part because of the anxiety and in part because of my back and trying to sleep in different positions, so my appetite's been up and down more than it used to be. But who knows. The aches and pains could be early menopause stuff, too, I guess. There's a lot of explanations but the circumstantial evidence is...troubling. It's enough that I finally filled out my colonoscopy paperwork that I've been ignoring for longer than I should.
And on top of Jacob's stuff and knowing that he needs to start weaning off his reflux meds so he can get his endoscopy, which could find God knows what, it's all been a lot. I'm definitely struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.
His cleanout has been interesting. The amount of fluid was too much for him so he didn't quite get it all down, but it took hours for anything to happen. That tells me there was likely a lot to loosen up and get moving. Once it did he went pretty steadily throughout the rest of the day, but it's hard to tell if that was everything. I'm really hoping it all helps his various other issues--the reflux, the stomach pains, the back pains. He said he was having a lot of back pain throughout the cleanout, so I'm hoping it's all related (and honestly might explain mine too), but every little thing makes me crazy. He's also having a minor eye issue we probably need to check on too. It's just endless at this point.
Oh, and then on Friday he went to practice and took some shots after. He came out to the car upset and convinced he gave himself a stress fracture. He had one shot that felt a little funky, but he assumed he just overdid it. He should be relatively safe at this point, but there was one spot where the bone felt really sore. He was driving me nuts freaking out about it and mentally beating himself up, and finally Craig told him to come in to the arena during Knighthawks practice. He could have someone look at it and use the cold tub, just to put his mind at ease for the night. Thankfully he got some reassurance from his trainer via phone and felt quite a bit better Saturday, but his panic on Friday was real. He was terrified he set himself up for another 6-8 week delay, and that's his worst nightmare right now. It's so hard to deal with those anxiety spikes.
And now I'm sitting here with the weekend almost over, my back is still funky, and the Bills got screwed yet again in their playoff game against Kansas City. Even among so many bigger things to worry about, it's still gutting.
So, as you can see, all I'm doing here is complaining and giving in to the anxiety, and that's why I didn't want to write. But I always try to document this stuff, both for my own record keeping and because I try to make this an honest account of what's happening. There's just no getting around the struggle right now, though. The usual January drought of interesting things going on (heck, I've hardly taken any pictures at all, of anything, let alone doing anything interesting) hit at just the wrong time to coincide with this rough patch, so things are extra bleak right now. Sorry. I really hope I have happier content soon.
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