Thirteen!

Dear Jacob,

How are you a teenager?  It just doesn't seem possible.  But here we are.  It's been one crazy ride so far, but somehow we're still standing...and even like each other most of the time!

The week you were born was probably the most life-changing period of my entire life, and I simply can't believe it's been 13 years since that moment, nor can I believe I've had 13 rounds of looking back on that time, always in awe of how it all played out.  Aside from the first few weeks, I really didn't mind pregnancy at all.  It was fascinating and scary and exhilarating all at once.  I was so nervous and actually not in any rush to meet you--mostly because life was pretty good and I knew you would change everything (not necessarily for the worse, just different), and I really just wanted to savor that last bit of time because I knew it would never be that way again.  We knew we wanted more out of life, so that's where you came in.  But those last moments were ones I will never forget--a time before everything in life pivoted to revolve around one tiny human.  

And sure enough, one night, in one ten minute span, I went from getting ready for bed with nearly two weeks until my due date to knowing you'd be making your appearance within the next day or so, and it was both exciting and overwhelming...and that was just the beginning.  I learned so much that week--what true pain and exhaustion were, how to love someone I just met, what it feels like to be scared out of your mind for someone you love so intensely, where my breaking point was and how to bring myself back from it, and all of the baby care basics I never bothered to learn when I was avoiding diaper changes in my baby-sitting days.  I was never so sleep deprived, never so overwhelmed by my own body, and never so fascinated by another human being.  You changed everything for our family--you made us a family, after all--and while it hasn't always been smooth sailing, it has been a life-altering adventure that has taught me more than I could have ever imagined.  

Parenthood is the hardest job there is, and most days I still feel like I'm terrible at it.  I didn't get the easiest kids, mind you, but for a decision-averse person like me, the endless decisions you need to make for yourself, your child, and your family are a lot to process.  So, on that front I feel like I've been a trooper.  But I question myself every single day because I want to make sure we're raising the best kids we can.  You haven't made it easy, and this is the reason I nag you about your room, or about how you treat your brother, or about your homework.  Those are all important things in the moment, but they're actually more important to the adult you will become--how you will treat others and handle responsibility.  I saw a quote once that said something about not raising a little boy, but rather raising a good man.  Now that you're 13, it's becoming even clearer that's what's at stake.

This year has been interesting.  Some things got back to normal.  You were in school five days a week, you played basketball regularly, and even played on two new teams.  It was amazing to see you play games after so long without them, and it was clear that all the training you did in the meantime (and since) is working.  It's awesome to watch you play, especially when you're "on" and have cooperative teammates.  Your game has definitely evolved, but those threes are still awfully pretty to watch go in!  You also managed to get some new friends this year--both in class and some teammates--which was a relief after you never really found your crew last year.  Academically, school had its challenges this year, even in person, but overall I think we'll call it a win.  Hopefully you will not have the same math teacher and you'll have better luck with assignments getting into the system on time so we don't get as many robocalls.  I'm trying to consider this practice for high school, so we have one more year to get it right.  This coming year could be a pretty pivotal one for a lot of reasons as we head toward high school, so I hope we get a good feel for where things are headed, both academically and athletically. 

I wish I could say the family dynamic got better this past year, but sadly that's not the case.  I feel like our issues shift a bit every year but not much actually changes.  Last year in this letter I was telling you to stop trying to "fix" your brother because that's not your job, and we just had that conversation all over again the other day.  We know there are challenges there, but he's also a very different person than you and what you might think is a problem vs. what actually is can be very different.  We appreciate the effort you make to connect with Carter--we do!--but it has to go hand-in-hand with patience for the challenging kid he is, because without that, the outbursts that result (from either of you) aren't really doing us any favors.  It's a process--it has to be one to build trust after so many years of contention--and I hope someday you understand how to best make that happen.

Sometimes you can be a great kid to talk to and we see this maturity coming through, and it's awesome.  And other times you're still just putting down your brother, ignoring our advice, and generally giving us a preview of your teenagery side. When we started seeing behavior issues with you, especially when they got bad about eight years ago, I always worried about your teenage years when you were bigger, stronger, and your hormones made every reaction even worse, because the thought of combining the issues we were having with that sounded impossibly horrible.  And now, here we are.  You are definitely bigger and stronger, and oh, the hormonal moodiness is here, too.  But fortunately for us, a lot of those behavior elements have faded so I'm not as terrified as I once was of what these years might bring.  I have my moments when something goes to an extreme for a hot second, but then there are times when I see the maturity coming out and have hope that we might get through things okay after all.

You officially passed me in height this year, your feet continue to grow (you're barely a full size behind your father), your voice is definitely changing, and the skin issues have begun--but we're hoping to nip those in the bud quickly.  Everyone is remarking how grown up you look now.  The changes even since your first day of school pic in the fall or last year's last day of school pic are crazy.  The other day I let myself look at your Kindergarten picture and the height difference alone is crazy.  And I know the next year is only going to get crazier, if my friends' kids or the next age group up in basketball is any indication.  And honestly, it blows my mind that just as quickly as we got from second grade to now (ironically the same point Carter is at currently), that is the same period of time from now until your high school graduation.  That is shocking and scary and awe-inspiring.  We have a lot of life in those five years, but wow.  It's happening fast.

We are proud of the person you're becoming, though don't mind us if we keep trying to help you refine things a bit as we go along.  That's still our job, at least for five more years and likely beyond, so we just ask for some patience and cooperation in the meantime.  We love you and hope you have a great birthday and a much better year ahead...especially since your day might be a bit lackluster since it's also Father's Day and your list came a little too late for online ordering!  We'll make it up to you, though.  Happy 13th to our teenager!

Love, 

Mom (and Dad, too)