Looking Back, Looking Ahead

So, Christmas was a good day.  If that was all I ever knew of Christmas, it would have been perfectly lovely.  It was a pleasant day, very relaxing and full of fun moments.  We played, we watched, we ate, we tried to make memories.  All of it was nice, and the boys even mostly cooperated by not driving each other nuts.  We had a much-needed good day in the midst of a period where not a lot of days have felt particularly good.  I know we're so much better off than so many people in the middle of this pandemic, but I can't say I've gotten to the end of most days over the last nine months and felt like I did a great job as a parent, mostly just because I don't know how to deal with two incompatible kids for hours on end every day while managing work and other parts of life all contained in one house.  We have limited diversions, which leads to boredom, which leads to other methods of creating excitement...and my kids have mastered the most frustrating version of that.  Christmas was a one day break from most of it, presumably because the kids were preoccupied with new stuff and had plenty to focus on without getting bored enough to bug each other for entertainment.  

As I've said previously, I used to feel bad for people who didn't have family to visit with on Christmas.  I think for people who have never had that, the lazy day in pajamas is probably pretty perfect.  But when you've had that family connection--particularly when it's all you've ever known--and then don't, that quiet day definitely has some missing pieces.  More gifts are always fun, of course, but it's those connections you make--sharing awesome food, having a couple too many drinks, reminiscing, teasing, catching up, watching the little kids--that mean so much more.  I have amazing memories of sitting on the floor at my grandma's house with all my cousins, just waiting for our turn to open a gift.  Here are my two favorites examples, in fact:

Looks like my grandma was opening something here, but you can see 9-year-old me with what might be my all-time favorite Christmas gift, my Hot Looks doll.  I wanted it SO bad!  

I was Carter's age here, and got one of my other favorites, my Day-to-Night Barbie Home & Office.  Sorry my one-year-old cousin is blocking the shot!  The more I think about it, Grandma practically was Santa!  The best, and potentially least practical, gifts almost always came from there!

But yes, we were all as crammed on the floor as it appears!  And we're pretty much still like that now that it's my uncle's house, only there's a little more floor space and we have fewer kids to relegate there, so the most agile adults (or the ones with kids) tend to end up there.  I also have fun memories of coming into my other grandma's house (sometimes before the gathering above, sometimes after--but almost always on the same day) and getting excited at the sight of the pile of perfectly wrapped gifts.  There were fewer cousins to make memories with there (most lived out of town) but I still enjoyed just being around family and appreciating that the pace was a little slower for a bit.  Once my grandma passed away and my uncle started fading due to dementia, that gathering went away, and I still miss it.  I don't mind an extra couple hours of relaxation in the midst of a couple busy days, but I would gladly go back to that non-stop marathon if it meant more family time.  

And that's basically where I ended up this year--there was nothing wrong with our day as a stand-alone event, and the chill time was nice, but when I know what the alternative is, I miss it and would gladly give up the relaxation for the crazy family time we know and love.  I really, truly hope we can get back to a normal, safe celebration next year.  I think everyone needs it after the year we've had.  

Of course, after that pleasant day, getting back to our "normal" was a bit of a letdown.  The arguments resumed, the screen time battle was just as bad despite all the new toys, and I even had a vacation day interrupted by some work that had to get done (followed by a full, scheduled work day).  I feel like I should be more productive, especially after reading some posts from past years about all the reorganization and furniture assembly that sometimes takes place this week.  Right now I feel like I need to do a whole lot of nothing, aside from finally sorting through a bunch of donations and looking around for more to add.  If I get that done this week, it will be a victory.  I think with the year we've had, this break is about more than not working.  Normally it's nice to just be home and have some time to get things done.  But when I've been almost nothing but home for nine months, allowing my brain to shut out everything--work, home projects, the endless list of cleaning and decluttering--is more important.  I need to be smart, of course, and do what I can to minimize regret once my free time is limited again, but the need for the mental break is clear as day to me right now.

One of our biggest challenges in the past week is that Carter is skittish around Jacob, even though Jacob's isolation was over as of Monday and he's likely not contagious anymore.  He'll still wear a mask when he's near him and Jacob takes serious offense to Carter's refusal to be around him.  We can't really blame Carter, but sometimes he does take it to an extreme and it can get frustrating since he's probably in the clear now.  Jacob is also in a bit of denial about his positive test.  Sometimes he insists it was a false positive, sometimes he insists one of us gave it to him.  It's super frustrating when he accuses Carter of giving it to him, or insists Carter (or any one of us) is actually positive.  That was part of our problem in the days after the positive result came in, because we felt like we had to have been exposed but didn't know for sure, and Jacob basically refused to keep his distance because he was convinced we already had it.  But, come to find out, none of us did, so he could have been putting us in danger.  Yet he refuses to deal with the reality of that and continues to get mad when Carter avoids him.  Lately with so many people spouting off on social media about how badly kids need to go to school and play sports, I almost feel compelled to remind them that it's not just about the physical impact of COVID, if God forbid they should get it from those activities.  There is a mental toll as well, one that no kid should have to carry--Will they get sicker than expected?  Will there be long-term consequences?  Will they infect their family? Their friends? Their teacher or coach?  Will they be locked in their room for days?  Will people want to be near them once they come out?  I've seen Jacob grapple with stresses like these, and even he can't say if it was worth it to play basketball knowing it might be why he got infected.  It's a lot to consider for a kid, and while I know there are a lot of mental health concerns right now, they don't all stop if kids can go to school or play sports. That might just be the beginning.

We finally got Carter's result on Sunday, and it was negative as well.  On Tuesday the three of us got retested in the hope that we'll all get results by New Year's Day or the weekend, which would allow us to hopefully resume our Christmas celebrations. Since I'm supposed to be going to the baptism the following weekend, it would be great to get it done now if we're all still negative.  Jacob can't get retested since he could shed the virus for months, but I guess if we really wanted, there is some sort of lung test the doctor can do.  I don't know if that works for someone who had no lung symptoms, though, so I guess we're just going to rely on the end of the isolation order and assume he's safe to be around.   We'll still try to be very careful, of course, but I think we'd all feel a lot better to make that stuff happen now before Christmas feels extra far away.

So, here we are with about 30 hours left in the oddest year we've ever experienced.  I know most people are happy to see this year go, but the realist in me knows we're still in for a long haul in 2021.  Even in a normal year, there's always a part of me that hates to see a year end.  I'm not sure if it's regret of what I didn't do, or fear of what might be ahead (i.e., why are we so eager to say goodbye to this year when we have no idea what's coming?), but I think both of those apply quite heavily here.  There was so much we didn't get to do this year and I feel like it puts pressure on upcoming years to start making up for it.  On the flip side, even just in the last week or two there has been so much loss in the news and even among friends, and it's not all magically going to go away as the calendar flips.  This coming year will have its share of challenges, too, no doubt.  We can hope for better days ahead, obviously, and I'm hopeful we can start the year with some good stuff--the rest of our Christmas, a mini-road trip for me (what's a road trip?!), and a very special baptism of a very special baby.  Of course, all of that still hinges on our test results, so I guess we'll likely go into this new year feeling just about as paralyzed as we did for most of the old one.  But there's hope.  And right now, it has to be enough.