Deconstructing Five

As I laid in bed with Carter the other night, I got to thinking about how charmed I am by him right now.  I mean, we definitely have our challenges with him.  He's never met a screen he didn't like, he has trouble listening when it's inconvenient for him, and he still engages his brother in battle far more than we'd like.  But it's clear to me how different he is from Jacob, and what a different experience we have on our hands at this stage.

This week was the five-year anniversary of our last big family trip--our Disney vacation.  It was supposed to be a trip with Craig's whole family, but then his mom had emergency surgery that postponed it.  Because I was quite pregnant by the time everyone was ready to go, the rest of the family went and we figured we would go with Craig's parents once we were comfortable taking an infant.  Well, by the time that happened, Jacob was just starting Kindergarten and Carter was seven months old.  Unfortunately, Craig's dad then had major surgery just before we were supposed to go, so it ended up just being the four of us.  In the end, it was probably better that way.  That trip was equal parts magical and horrible.  Disney is always a happier than usual place, but Jacob was a disaster.  We were in the midst of the worst of his initial difficult behavior.  Tantrums, standoffs, and stubbornness were all daily issues.  We got the initial Celiac diagnosis on our first full day in Florida, and we were so desperate for good behavior, we went against the doctor's advice and tried the gluten-free diet immediately.  We read on the internet that some kids' behavior changed immediately on the diet, and even though we knew he had to go back on gluten to be formally tested, we gave it a shot anyway, just in case.  It seems stupid now because the gluten-free diet (while easier there than other destinations) made for some very challenging moments on an already difficult trip.  I think part of me just wanted to prove immediately that every vacation moving forward wouldn't be a huge disaster because of our new food limitations.  But even aside from the food, the trip was so hard and it was such a shame considering the amazing place we were staying.  In the end, we were so relieved not to have more of an audience for Jacob's behavior, as it would have come across as ungratefulness, and that would have been tough for Craig's parents to see.  Now I look back at that trip and can see the good moments, but I know deep down how heartbreaking so much of it was.

Things got no better from there, unfortunately.  We were in the early stages of therapy that was generally unhelpful, we struggled through a difficult Kindergarten year, and the boys' relationship went from non-existent to terribly challenging in the months and years that followed.  It has been a very hard five years, and just in the last six months or so have we even come up for air with any sort of sustainable normalcy.

But as I laid next to Carter in bed, it struck me rarely if ever did that at this stage with Jacob, and the reasons why made me sad.  For one, I was usually so exhausted by the end of the day that the last thing I wanted to do at bedtime was lay down with him and battle him until he fell asleep.  By then I needed a mental and physical break.  Second, he pretty much wanted nothing to do with me, and I wasn't about to fight that battle, either.  I realized a long time afterward that he no longer trusted me or felt loved because every interaction we had was so confrontational.  I'm honestly not sure I could have changed that path back then because things were that desperate.  "Choosing our battles" was almost impossible because his behavior was so inappropriate, rude, and generally unacceptable that there was almost nothing we felt we could let go.  It was such a horrible time, and it breaks my heart now that I see Carter at this age that we didn't get a similar experience with Jacob.  Five can be so great...but it definitely wasn't for us back then.

It was only after reading something that struck a chord--I think it was basically that you can't get your teenager to trust you with the tough stuff if they don't feel that closeness to you normally--that I realized I needed to rebuild our relationship from the ground up.  I had enough fears about his adolescence as it was, and when I realized that I needed to regain his trust if we had any chance at making it easier, it became a priority.  It wasn't easy and took a lot of little things--reading together at bedtime, having one-on-one time, doing nice things for him--in order to begin to regain his trust.  It has taken a lot of time, and we still have our moments, but now I can hug him without being pushed away, and even better, he will voluntarily hug me.  Sometimes he even says, "I love you."  It's pretty huge when I think about where we were five years ago.

As I recounted a few weeks back, Kindergarten was not an easy time for Jacob or for us.  We had a hard time with his teacher, his attention span was clearly not enough, and everything just seemed hard, even with a very smart little boy.  With Carter, the feel has been totally different.  Not only are we loving that his teacher shares photos every day, but he seems very content with the whole experience.  He loves taking the bus, and was even eager to work on his "All About Me" poster, which was hellish to work on with Jacob.  I know that the hard work hasn't started yet, as they're just working on their names and starting simple sight words.  I anticipate that things will get more challenging when the reading and writing get more intense, as that does not seem to be Carter's strong suit yet, but so far he seems happy with the whole experience.  Well, of course, on the day I'm writing this, we had multiple issues at afterschool pickup, but no formal punishment so I guess he's good enough to give the benefit of the doubt--maybe it was just a bad day.  One bad day aside, I'm amazed at how mature he seems to have gotten in just the past few weeks.  When I see how he has grown in how he speaks, or carries his backpack, or bravely jumps into activities, it amazes me.  He went from this little preschooler to a legit big kid, so quickly.

I guess I wonder if Jacob went through this same rapid transformation, too.  Did he and we missed it in the middle of our challenges?  Or maybe it was securely hidden behind all of his defiance?  When Jacob was a baby, I remember thinking about what five would be like.  He'd be fully functional little buddy by then, right?  In the end it was nothing like I imagined it would be, but I guess we're finally getting that experience now with Carter.  It breaks my heart a little bit that we didn't have that with Jacob, but I do hope we can make up for lost time in other ways now that our relationship is so much stronger. But in the meantime we'll be sure to enjoy all the fun that Carter brings right now.  I'll savor every hug and every silly little moment I can, because I know all too well how quickly time goes...and before we know it five will be nothing but a memory...again.