Mama Bear and the Kindergarten Blues

Kindergarten hasn't even started yet, and already my mama bear guard is up.

On Wednesday Carter's school packet arrived with his teacher assignment.  We'd been eagerly anticipating its arrival with the hope that he'd either get Jacob's second grade teacher who just switched grades, or Mrs. V., the teacher that our friend who works in the building thought would be a good fit.  I think there were two others that we didn't know much about, but I was open to them too, as I really hadn't heard anything bad about any of them.  The only one we didn't want was the teacher Jacob had.  And now I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Jacob was with me when I grabbed the mail, and he stood by eagerly as I flipped through the packet to find the assignment.  I finally pulled it out and instantly deflated as I spotted the name...of Jacob's former teacher.  Nooooooo.  Not again.

Here's the thing.  I absolutely understand that every kid is different and she might be a better fit for Carter than she was for Jacob.  They are, after all, two completely different kids in so many ways.  However, I have no illusion that Kindergarten is going to be a smooth ride for Carter.  I mean, it might be better than it was for Jacob, only because I'm not sure we're dealing with ADHD this time around so we might avoid the barrage of evaluations.  Rather, I expect to have the "typical" Kindergarten boy experience, which is to say that I had the girl experience myself and that was quite smooth, but the boy experience seems to be that it will take some time for him to settle down, get used to very little playtime, and adjust to homework, reading, and writing.  Carter is not as academically inclined as Jacob was, and has possibly less tolerance for doing something he's not good at.  Jacob simply couldn't focus...but Carter won't even give the activity a chance if he's uncomfortable with it.  So I can see that being our challenge this time around.  And this is not the teacher to have for a kid that won't conform.

In case you don't recall, we had a rough go in Kindergarten.  We started just as Jacob's worst behaviors and meltdowns were ramping up, maybe a month in.  Jacob was also (unbeknownst to us) dealing with the early stages of his Celiac Disease.  It was in early September that we asked the doctor for bloodwork to determine if one of his levels was off, in case it was causing the sudden shift in behavior.  Carter was six months old by then, so we didn't directly associate the two.  Then, less than a week into the school year, we went to Disney.  The timing wasn't ideal but Craig's parents were taking care of everything and our options were limited.  We got the call about the preliminary Celiac diagnosis when we were there, so upon our return we went through a few months of doctor's appointments and transition with his diet.  By then we were getting repeated reports of him not being able to follow directions, pay attention, or stop distracting others, and by his parent-teacher conference in December I ended up in tears because I'd never had one where I wasn't hearing at least some good things about him.  The teacher was at a loss, and almost looking to us to help her--but of course, we were having worse issues at home so I didn't know what to tell her.  No matter how much we talked to him in the evenings, she still needed a plan to manage him during the day.  She opted for a cardboard "office" or sitting in the corner, and she used (with the help of the school counselor) a visual checklist for him at the beginning of the day to help with puting away his things and getting settled.  Even with all of that, plus the beginning of external counseling, it never ended up being a great year.  He never liked his teacher.  I think she just never figured out how to connect with him.  His next two teachers, though dealing with the same issues, did manage to find ways to gain his respect and cooperation, and always told me what a great kid he was.  So I know it was possible, but his Kindergarten teacher was just barking up the wrong tree.

So, upon seeing her name in our packet, I immediately felt defeated.  Here I was, looking forward to a more "normal" Kindergarten experience, and all I could think about was how I wanted to keep any interaction with her to a complete minimum.  I didn't like seeing her at orientation, let alone the thought of having to talk to her and email her.  I honestly don't trust her and will have a very hard time being impartial and giving her the benefit of the doubt if things start going south with Carter.  She couldn't see the good in my kid once, so why would I assume she will this time?  And what are the odds she'll let her experiences with Jacob cloud her judgment of him?  Will she assume he's the same before she really gets to know him?  And if he does misbehave, will we be right back in the same spot?  I guess I'm just not willing to find out.  Knowing this, I'm pretty sure I even mentioned in paperwork at one point that I would prefer Carter not have her, as our experience was not good last time.  I could be wrong, but I feel like I remember writing it at some point.

What bugs me about all of this is that I'm not normally "that parent".  I try very hard not to blame teachers or coddle my kids.  Even in the midst of Jacob having serious teacher issues last year--ones that made him not want to go to school--I didn't ask for a change.  I know it's a delicate balance and they try really hard to set up the classrooms with the right mix of kids, then assign them all to the right teacher.  The last thing I want to do is ruffle feathers.  In my frustration I posted about it on Facebook, and immediately a legion of friends told me (in no uncertain terms) that I need to pursue it.  Most of these friends were teachers or school administrators, too--and the rest were veteran parents--and literally no one said to let it go.  I know Facebook tends to be a place that prefers action, but the overwhelming response from knowledgeable people convinced me it was at least worth an email to the principal.  So, in true Amy fashion I agonized over one for a couple hours that night, trying to find the right balance between my acknowledgment of their monumental task and laying out our past experience and how we're concerned it will play into our present.  All you can do is try, right?

Yesterday I came home to a message from the school saying that the principal was looking into it and would call me at a certain time on Friday.  So now we wait.  Being an advocate does not come naturally to me, even though I've had to do it a bunch now.  I don't like stirring up trouble--in fact, it feels a little like "playing God" to be attempting an impact this large--but Kindergarten is far too important for any of us to feel compromised in some way.  It's the base of everything you learn from then on, and it sets the tone.  Normally I'm a fan of the familiar, but in this case I feel very strongly that a fresh start is needed.  I fear they'll just try to convince me that the resources are there to ensure Carter will be fine no matter what, but I'm hoping they understand that there's more to it than that.  It's a trust issue--I don't trust her, and I honestly don't trust myself to stay positive.  I don't want to undermine the work a teacher is doing, and I just know that my attitude (no matter how deep I try to bury it) will still come through somehow.  Jacob is even worse, honestly, and I can't let any of that rub off on Carter.  He needs to buy into Kindergarten completely and think his teacher is the best thing ever.  I'm not that good of a faker, so I hope we get a new one so none of us know any better!

I guess this story is to be continued...