Sunday, May 28, 2017

1500

This is post number 1500!  It's hard to believe that 1500 times in the last nine-plus years I have selected "New Post", had something to say about parenthood or our life in general, and hit "Publish".  That's a lot of times.  I started this blog nine years, five months, and one day ago, 3441 days in total.  That means I've written one post every 2.3 days.  It's hard to believe that in another seven months this blog will hit a decade...and six months after that (13 months from now), Jacob will be a decade old, too.  Mind-blowing.

I started this blog as a way to communicate with family out of town as I progressed through pregnancy and early parenthood.  I figured it would also be a good way to document this experience for posterity, and I didn't even realize at the time how valuable it would be.  It is amazing how the exhaustion of parenthood turns everything into a haze.  I remember things, of course, but there are so many little details that would have been lost forever had I not documented them here.  There are so many feelings that I don't think I'd fully recall if reading this blog didn't perfectly transport me back to the time when I wrote the post.  It's like a baby book on steroids, and I'm so grateful I have it. 

I never knew at the time how long it would last.  Some people post two or three times and never get back to it.  I didn't want mine to be like that--mostly because I was always saddened by the many abandoned Geocities pages once upon a time--and I found the process very helpful in so many ways.  And then once I had so much of Jacob's life story documented, it would have been a shame to only have a small portion of Carter's life here.  So I kept going, and here we are.  Lately my posts have been fewer and farther between, for many reasons.  Sometimes it's just time, sometimes it's because I've already pondered so many parenthood issues and don't want to beat a dead horse.  Sometimes it's because I wonder how much I really should have out there now that Jacob is older, and as the issues get more serious, there's only so much I can comfortably get into before you start questioning my sanity.  I've always tried to be truthful and brutally honest about this experience, and while it's not as black and white as it once was, I still find that there's value in exploring as much as I can.

We've been through so much since I started this blog--from the very early stages of pregnancy, to the various stages of preparation for becoming parents, to Jacob's delivery and difficult first week, to all of the ups and downs of those early days of parenthood.  Then things got hard--very hard--and despite all that we decided to do it all over again.  Then we went back to the early pregnancy moments and the baby preparations, to the delivery and a much better post-delivery experience.  Now we're over four years beyond that, with so many challenges--and, yes, some little victories--under our belts.  Add in house buying, new vehicles, job changes, and medical issues, and we've had a pretty full plate over the past nine years.  After all of that, it almost scares me think what might be ahead, but I sincerely hope that brighter days are coming.  I know that in so many ways we do have it good, but it wouldn't hurt to get a nice, easy lull for a while.  But if not, we'll work through it the same way we have for the last 1500 posts' worth of stress and challenges.  We're not always graceful, but we make it through. 

I've spent so many hours sitting here writing.  I hope someday the boys will have this to read and know how much I love them.  I hope when I'm old and gray, this will bring back memories that time would have otherwise stolen.  I hope somewhere along the way maybe it helped someone, or at least helped me process everything we've been through.  But ultimately, I'm just glad that we have a little story about us...

Our story may be a bit messy, but it's ours.  And I will continue to tell it for as long as I can.

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