Pardon my complaint of a post here, but man, I am tired. A big chunk of it is definitely my fault, as I simply haven't been going to bed early enough. But I feel like right now I'm in the midst of the perfect storm of factors that are sucking the life out of me. It's frustrating when I just feel powerless to stop this feeling and yet I know it's all pretty much my own fault in the first place.
Like I said, I haven't been going to bed when I should. It seems like bedtime takes forever around our house these days, and by the time both kids are down, it's already at least 9:30. If I try to work out, then it's 10pm before I'm really sitting down to chill, and an hour of that is not enough, apparently. And at 11pm when I'm usually in the middle of whatever I was trying to accomplish (like opening an online savings account the other night, or reading the Sunday paper another night, or paying bills last night), inevitably reruns of Friends grace our TV and the back-to-back episodes seem to suck us in every time. Before I know it, it's midnight and I'm not in bed and asleep until at least 12:15. Considering my alarm first sounds at 6:30, that is not good. Add in almost-nightly visits by Carter, random dreams, and the inability to find a position where my hands or arms don't fall asleep themselves, and I'm really not getting quality sleep. I even bought a new mattress topper to see if that would help, but no such luck. I have been trying to go to bed a little earlier, at least, which seems to be helping a bit today, but I still have a long way to go.
Another issue is that spring is still not really here. No, there's no snow (well, some wet flakes tonight) and the temperatures are at least hanging around the 40s more consistently, but we haven't had that awesome shot of nice weather that we usually get in March. Sure, we had one in February, but does that really count? And one of the warmest more recent days was probably the windstorm day, so that wasn't exactly enjoyable, either. Even so, neither of those times was super warm, and I could really use a few days of 60s and sunny right now. I've just hit that winter wall where it is totally depressing to not see anything better than 50s and 10 days of rain (no joke) in the extended forecast. Of course, it could be worse--I could be like my parents coming back from a month in Hawaii and have to readjust to this crap (ha!).
The kids have been exhausting as usual. Both of us are actually pretty spent from dealing with it all the time. They can't leave each other alone, and we can't trust them to be alone together. Case in point, last night Craig picked up both kids so I could come right home from work. Before I even got there, as Craig had a bathroom break before taking the kids outside to play, he heard a scream and came up to find Jacob incapacitated by a wounded toe. He was apparently chasing Carter and caught his baby toe on the corner of the wall. He completely blamed Carter ("He ran!") and was pretty angry at him for a while. We iced it, buddy taped it, and gave him some medicine for the pain. It was bruised this morning and still sore tonight, but there's no sense taking him to the doctor because they will do exactly what we did. We'll keep an eye on it, but after just paying off his ER visit, we're in no rush for any major medical bills anytime soon. But it just goes to show how these two rile each other up...and it's exhausting.
We did have our appointment with the therapist tonight as a full family. Usually she talks to Jacob and us separately, but tonight we had to bring Carter and we were all in a room. We had to draw a picture as a family (while the therapist secretly watched), and of course Jacob took over and didn't want to let anyone else help. He had this whole plan for a lacrosse arena, and we spent the first seven minutes just trying to find something someone else could draw without ruining his vision. We talked about the process alone with the therapist afterward, but I really wish she could have seen how the kids usually behave together--the incessant picking-on, the constant wrestling and chasing, and Jacob's near-obsession with ensuring his brother isn't getting more or better than him. That is our big problem but it's tough to capture outside our normal life. So I feel a little stuck there.
It's also been a little disheartening that I've been doing pretty well working out on the elliptical regularly and yet I'm not seeing much improvement. Granted, I'm not trying super hard to regulate my eating more than usual, but you'd think that things might tone up a bit when I'm doing the elliptical 3-4 times per week, right? My weight hasn't budged, and even if it's because my legs are gaining muscle, there just doesn't seem to be much to show for it right now. I know I shouldn't complain, because I have a good set of clothes that fit and I've been able to eat mostly what I want without gaining additional weight, but I really hoped that the 3-4 times per week of 20-30 minute cardio workouts (and some abs and weights thrown in once in a while) would at least help me drop a few pounds. After all, back in my 20s, five-day-a-week workouts helped me drop at least eight pounds in less than a month at one point, and even just adding a class once a week did much the same about five years later. Clearly I've aged and my metabolism is not what it once was. But still, I was hoping for a little something. I really need to get back into the gym and start running again, as I haven't done it since last summer and the Corporate Challenge is once again on the horizon. Supposedly it's going to be a couple months later this year, so I suppose that's good for me (aside from the prospect of a 90 degree race). But I probably can't even run a mile right now, and that bothers me. I miss the feeling of being toned and strong and accomplishing goals. But it's also really hard to carve out time among the rest of the stuff we usually have going on to make it happen.
As usual I just find myself feeling out of sync. I wish I could shift our entire day one hour earlier, but it just doesn't work that way. I can't wake up earlier because I need more sleep. I'd love to have an earlier dinner and give the kids an earlier bedtime, but our schedule with sports and whatever else just doesn't really jive with that. It's sounds easy enough, but the reality is that we've been on this schedule for a long time for a reason. But in the summer especially it never feels like we have enough time to enjoy outside, fit in dinner, and relax a bit before bed. Everything just feels off and I hate that.
Add in the letdown of not going on vacation as planned next week, and it's the perfect setup for a total pity party. I know that trip would have probably just made me more tired in the long run, but the break was so needed and I'm just so bummed it's not happening. I was ready for that kind of vacation from reality for a bit, and the disappointment of it not happening, on top of everything else, is a big blow. My body and mind are ready for a break. It's not coming anytime soon, so I guess all I can do is keep up the workouts and turn off my computer now and go to bed. Done.