Pictures and the Countdown to the End...

I finally got myself together enough to take another picture of my belly, so here we are at 35 weeks!

I'm definitely a lot bigger, particularly to the point of running out of material at the bottom of my (maternity) tank top.  The last picture was more of a cute belly, and this one is just getting big.  It's fine, though, really.  I know it's not big compared to what it could be, but I'm definitely feeling the weight of it and it's hard to bend or sit comfortably to eat at a table because it's simply getting in the way.  When I was at the doctor's on Thursday, they did say that the baby is down in the pelvis, and I can definitely believe it on the inside, even if it doesn't look like it on the outside.

I also wanted to take some pictures of my bare belly, which I didn't do at all last time.  I find this one really amazing, to be honest, because it is so defined on the sides.  I figured that doing them in black and white makes them a little less freaky.  Maybe less real?  I don't know.  Here are three different angles...

The definition on the sides conforms to some sort of body parts...butt? shoulders?  You can just see the very beginnings of the linea nigra down the center.  It's barely visible and I hope it stays that way!  No idea when it cropped up last time, but it took forever to go away so I wouldn't mind if it just stayed faint this time.  In the first picture you can just see my belly button ring scar above my belly button.  It's more scar tissue from it not healing right, but I think it looks a lot better this time than last time.  Anyway, they're not exactly artistic shots, but at least I have some like this this time.  

The past few days have been interesting in the wake of all the craziness I blogged about Thursday.  I'm still feeling like a ticking time bomb, but at least I don't feel like what's happening is a danger to the baby.  My body is just having a hard time coping with things--though I don't know if it's the weight, the baby's position, the body preparing itself, or what.  I'm just not up for a lot of movement, though.  We will be going to the Knighthawks game tonight, though I will have some help and I figure this might be our last chance for a while, so I need to get Jacob his fix while I can.  I'm still dealing with the thinning mucus plug issue.  It seems to come in waves, to the point that I got a little nervous again last night, but it's been quieter today so I assume things are fine for now.  Still, it tells me that things are happening.  There's still no telling how soon, but I can just tell that my body is reaching its limits, even if I don't entirely understand why.

I feel a little better mentally after doing a ton of laundry the last couple days.  Thursday night I had picked up a tub of OxiClean to soak all of the yellowed baby clothes in.  I soaked them overnight and threw the first batch in the washing machine yesterday morning.  To my delight, much of the yellow staining came out!  Not every piece was perfect, but if nothing else most of the stains faded to the point where the clothes will be salvageable, even if they're just backups or fine for daycare or something to use for layering.  I'm not giving up hope even on the ones that weren't perfect.  I'll wash them more to see if I can get them to fade a bit more, and hanging them to dry gives me a little more of a chance before heat sets things any more.  But most of them are looking really good, thank goodness!  The clothes definitely bring back memories, too.  Part of me can't believe it's been five years since we got most of them, but another part feels like it's been an eternity since we were dealing with tiny socks and hats and swaddle sacks.

I did another batch of clothes last night into this morning, and now I think I have most of the 0-6 month clothes cleaned.  I can start sorting and folding things over the next couple days so they're ready to be stored in the baby's room once the paint is dry, hopefully as soon as Tuesday.  I'll get the pack-n-play set up Monday while I'm home with the painter, and maybe pull out the baby seat and swing, wash the new clothes we have (five outfits that cost me a grand total of $15), and strategize about what we might need if we can manage a trip to Babies 'R' Us.  We definitely need some diapers, and I'd like some sterilization bags for bottles and breast pump parts.  Guessing we should probably buy a couple new bottle nipples, too, since the old ones might not be in very good shape after all this time.  Not that I'm thinking he'll be bottle feeding much early on, but we'll need to do some to get him adjusted for daycare and maybe give Jacob and Craig a chance to participate (and maybe let me sleep?).  

It's going to be quite the month, no doubt.  It's hard not knowing when things are going to happen, but it's also probably better that I don't because the stress leading up to it would probably kill me!  At least I'm getting things done and giving the little man a little more time to get fully cooked.  We want strong lungs and a little chub before he comes out so he has the best chance of coming home on time with us.  I'm definitely feeling the pressure of this final countdown, but it's exciting, too.  We can't wait to meet the little guy, but I will gladly be patient in the meantime...

The Others

Pregnancy is a time where it's very easy to focus on yourself.  You're hyper-aware of your body, you're making constant doctor's appointments for yourself, and answering lots of questions about how you're feeling.  Much of what doesn't have to do directly with you has to do with the little person hanging out inside you--buying things for them, preparing for their arrival, etc.  The first time around this isn't such a big deal.  You're mostly just concerned with yourself, the baby and your spouse anyway, and that's to be expected.  But once you have a child already, it complicates things quite a bit.  Not only is that child full of needs themselves, but their mere presence means that your attention is divided further and it means that more people are impacted when you need reach capacity and need to pass off responsibilities. 

Last time I was pregnant, I spent my spare time pondering our baby registry, shopping for maternity clothes, and hanging out with Craig at baby classes.  This time it's been an exercise in survival.  From feeling so horribly early on to the insane discomfort I'm dealing with now, it's made it very difficult to manage Jacob.  He's a high energy little boy who asks a lot of questions and needs a lot of direction to keep him on task.  There are moments when it's incredibly difficult to deal with him.  In fact, right now I can barely do some simple things for him--I can't bathe him, I can't pick him up, and it's hard to even reach to undo his car seat buckle.  I pass off a lot of responsibilities to Craig, of course.  I know he's tired from long days of work, so sometimes I feel guilty.  But I literally can't do some things--or perhaps could put myself into labor trying--so I don't have much of a choice.  The worst part may be that I need Craig as a "helper", so that role has probably overtaken "partner" and "husband" more than it should have.  I look to him as a necessity to manage Jacob more than anything, and it probably means that we haven't had as much "couple time" as we should have.  We're both tired and it's all too easy to veg out in front of the TV at night and miss out on prime, child interruption-free conversation time. 

Interestingly, one of the things that I miss most right now is the ability to comfortably snuggle both Craig and Jacob.  My belly gets in the way and I can't always sit or lay in a way that's comfortable.  Jacob's big boy bed is big enough for both of us, but because of the bed rail and the dozens of stuffed animals (still), it's too hard for me to get in to it to snuggle with him.  Even having him sit on my lap or give me a hug is awkward.  My snuggle time with Jacob was hard enough to come by before, but now it's extra tough.  Even with Craig, most nights by the time I get into bed I'm lucky if I can get comfortable laying alone, let alone with someone else in close proximity.  We've had a body pillow between us for months, and some of the physical issues I had earlier in this pregnancy meant that we couldn't keep up the same level of intimacy we did last time.  I miss the physical closeness with both of them. 

Last time as we awaited Jacob's arrival, we knew that when the moment came, we'd just grab our stuff and go.  This time we have to figure out what to do with Jacob.  Will there be someone to watch him while we're at the hospital?  Who will we be inconveniencing with that desperate phone call?  Will Jacob feel slighted when he's dumped off with someone else?  Once we're home I wonder how Jacob will adjust.  I wonder how Craig and I will ever find time for each other when we have two kids to manage.  It will be a difficult balance to make sure that both kids' needs are met, as well as our own, individually and as a couple. 

As a whole this pregnancy has been far less reflective and peaceful.  Instead of enjoying the experience and carefully planning each detail, it's been about focusing on Jacob's needs and just getting through as best we can.  Last time I read books, took classes, and thoughtfully pondered what we might need.  This time I'm lucky if I read my weekly pregnancy email.  I can't remember much of what we talked about in class, so I'm nervous that parts of labor and delivery that I blocked out will take me by surprise this time.  I did a small baby registry based on things I knew we would use or could stand to be replaced.  The rest is just going to be filled in with whatever I have stuffed in the crawl space.  It's a bit of a "make it work" moment, as opposed to planning every little thing.  All that time has been filled with Jacob's needs and battling my own body, so it's been a decidedly different experience this time around. 

Despite spending all of this time on Jacob, I still worry about how this experience has been impacting him and how it will affect him in the coming weeks.  At the same time, I wonder what kind of things this baby is going to miss out on because he's not going to get the only child treatment that Jacob did.  Even though we've done all of this before, it feels like such a different experience and seems to have greater potential to impact other people far more than it did last time.  It's intimidating, but I'm just trying to take it one day at a time right now.  I think that's all I can handle!

Pure Stress

It has not been a good week.  It's been moving rather quickly considering there hasn't been a ton going on, but my stress level rose considerably this week and it's made things quite challenging overall.  This morning's doctor's appointment took one weight off my shoulders but added another...so while I'm a little calmer now than I was the past few days, I am still facing down quite a crazy reality. 

It all started late last week, or perhaps over the weekend.  I noticed a change in (TMI alert!) in the type and amount of discharge I was experiencing.  It's not uncommon to have some during pregnancy, as there's a lot going on down there and hormones are raging.  But suddenly I was experiencing more, in small spurts (literally).  It wasn't a constant thing, but it happened maybe a couple times a day, often as I changed position or exerted an effort--like blowing my nose or turning over in bed.  It was thin and wet, but I was pretty sure I wasn't just peeing myself.  Given the amount of pressure on my bladder these days, I wouldn't have been surprised if that's all it was, but the consistency was different.  At first I chalked it up to a normal increase, as can happen later in pregnancy.  But as the days went on and it seemed to get a little worse, I worried that it might be more.

About 27 hours before Jacob was born, I started leaking amniotic fluid.  It came as a little spurt after I used the bathroom, which led me to think the baby had shifted and more pee came out.  But when it happened again a few minutes later, I knew something was up.  It continued to happen frequently from then on, and the next morning I was at the doctor's office to confirm that's what was happening.  Twelve hours later I was in the throes of labor.

What had been going on this week was reminiscent of that, but it was happening way less frequently.  I did a lot of weird internet searches and eventually decided it was possible that it was a pinhole-sized leak.  The baby was still moving normally and I knew I had an appointment scheduled for this morning.  I didn't want to have to go through the craziness of scheduling an emergency appointment, paying another co-pay, and sounding like someone who had spent way too much time doing internet searches, so as long as things seemed normal, I figured I'd stick it out.

By last night, however, I was really starting to get concerned.  I was worried about whether it could have an impact on the baby.  I worried that there was a chance I could be in the hospital within 24 hours, delivering a five-week-early baby, with a very unfinished baby room and nothing ready to put in it.  I was still washing the car seat cover and the first round of stuff I had pulled out of the crawl space, and I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff I still had to go through.  And to top it off, when I pulled out all of the littlest baby clothes, the vast majority of them were stained with yellow stains.  It's a common yet mysterious scenario, based on what I'm seeing online, where clothes that went into storage looking clean come out stained a few years later.  I'm going to try the most common suggestion--getting OxyClean and letting them soak--but even that was an overwhelming task considering that this baby could be here very quickly (although if he arrives anytime soon, those clothes will all be too big for a while--but that's another issue altogether). 

I was simply overwhelmed and worried.  The fear practically paralyzed me.  I literally didn't know what to say or do.  Craig was asking me what he could do to help, and I couldn't even answer him.  I was extra uncomfortable on top of it, and I was honestly concerned that all of the waiting I'd done all week was about to come back to haunt me.  I thought maybe my water would break or contractions would start, or that something would happen with the baby.  I felt like I could do nothing else but go to bed, so I did just that shortly before 11pm.  I could barely sleep, though.  I dozed a bit and woke up to pee at least half a dozen times.  I tossed and turned.  And at one point the wind started blowing, and it was extra loud.  I was anxious about everything and decided that I needed to at least take one element out of the mix, so I put in earplugs, blocked out the wind, and tried to cram in whatever sleep I could.  I didn't get much, though.  I got up right when my alarm went off (none of my normal snoozing), and immediately went to the basement and reassembled the car seat. 

I was full of nervous energy prior to my doctor's appointment, and I was so relieved to get there.  When the nurse midwife came in and asked how I was, I launched into the story.  Much to my relief, she said it was an easy test to check if it was amniotic fluid, and I got to start my internal exams one week early.  I forgot how miserable those exams can be--it's scary when something so simple like that hurts, considering a baby will be coming out of that area soon--but she took a swab that would have been taken next week and ran a couple tests on the fluid.  She thought it might have been a high leak, but it turns out that it wasn't fluid.  It's most likely just my (TMI alert) mucus plug thinning out and the fluid associated with that coming out from time to time.  She basically said to just wear a pad, take it easy, and it's not a big deal.  Oh, and I'm two centimeters dilated.  Yep.  TWO.  Last time at 36 weeks I was one, and now, at 35 weeks, I'm two.  UGH.  She said that it's not particularly surprising since I've already had one baby, and it doesn't mean that anything is imminent because some women walk around for weeks dilated even more.  Of course, I got that same spiel last time and I kept dilating right up until I went two weeks early. 

So...the good news is that it's not fluid and that means that we're not at risk for infection or having to deliver immediately.  The bad news is that there's a lot of evidence that things are happening, so now I feel like more of a ticking time bomb than ever.  I've been trying to speed through a lot of training and processes at work, and I'm doing what I can to prepare at home.  Hopefully I have a couple weeks left, but if nothing else I could use a week or so--enough to get the baby's room back up and running after Monday's paint job.  We need to install at least one car seat base.  I need to pack a hospital bag (my list is saved on my computer).  I did manage to waterproof our bed a bit and I've pulled out towels for my evening resting place and my car seat.  But most of the rest of everything can wait until we're home with the baby, no matter how much more I'd like to have done. 

Reality is setting in that this is coming sooner rather than later, and there are moments of pure panic.  Today's revelations took off the weight of the scary unknown and left in its place just a nervous unknown.  I'm feeling a lot of pressure around my belly, so I'm still operating under the assumption that it won't be long...but considering yesterday I was thinking I could be in the hospital at this point, I'll take any bonus time I can get.  This is just pure craziness, but I know it will be worth it.

Random News & Notes

- I knew that my last pregnancy was a pretty good one, but it's definitely taken this pregnancy to realize just how great it was.  The fact that I wasn't really nervous about going early until I hit the 36-week mark and found out I was dilating is such a stark contrast to how things are this time around, where I've been sort of nervous for a good 3-4 weeks already that something has been brewing.  I haven't even hit 36 weeks yet--this week will be 35--and I'm getting super paranoid every time I notice a weird symptom--that my watch or shoes are tighter, that my belly might look a little lower, that my lower back pain sometimes hits even when I'm not dealing with the sciatica issue, etc.  I can't believe how I breeezed through this period last time, enjoying our childbirth classes, sorting through baby stuff, shopping for summer clothes, and not really mentioning on the blog any sort of discomfort.  I was so lucky.  And if nothing else, this is a vivid reminder that this should be our last child, because I can't even imagine the protest my body might put up if I tried to do this again in a couple years!

- I also had no idea how well timed out my last pregnancy was.  Obviously we didn't exactly plan it that way (since we physically couldn't and ultimately didn't know when I actually was pregnant), but on top of the obvious summer baby advantage, there was a big advantage wardrobe-wise.  I'm getting to the point now where things are starting to get too small.  Waistbands are tight and shirts are short.  Last time around I had to go buy new clothes at this point because the weather was warming up and unless I wanted to sweat like crazy, I needed some summer clothes.  I could buy them specifically to fit my ever-growing belly, knowing that I only had to account for a couple more months of getting bigger.  This time my wardrobe has been in cold weather mode pretty much from start to finish, meaning that it has had to fit my little belly and this crazy big belly I'm sporting right now.  Knowing that I might only have a few weeks left, there's no point in running out to buy new stuff, so I have no choice but to make do with what I have.  Yes, last time it felt a little wasteful to buy a bunch of new summer clothes that were only going to get a couple months of use, but again--it was 90 degrees and I had no choice!  Though, to be honest, I don't even think I have the energy or ability to shop like that right now, even if I wanted to.  We were out shopping this weekend for a bit and I hit my limit pretty quickly.  Ugh.

- I really need to take another picture of my belly because it is really getting big.  I actually want to take some bare belly shots, too, because you can really see some crazy definition where (I think) his butt and shoulders have been wedged for a while now.  I have these ever-present rock-hard bumps and from what the doctor told me at one point, those are most likely the body parts causing them.  I'll hopefully get a little more insight at my appointment later this week.  The belly sticks out pretty far now, and while someone just told me it looks high, I'm pretty sure it's lower than it was last time around.  I could be wrong, but I don't have enough good pictures to know for sure.

- This baby really needs to find a new place to kick.  I don't mind when my belly moves around like there's an alien in there.  In fact, I think that's pretty cool.  I like when unidentifiable body parts (probably elbows or shoulders, mostly) move around.  What I don't like is when the movement is more internal.  This baby has taken to doing something--moving his hands, maybe--in a spot that is buried deep in my belly, and I swear, it feels like he's trying to dig his way out through the birth canal.  It feels so weird and is a little unnerving given my fear of going into labor at any moment.  It is pretty uncomfortable at times, and it's generally the one movement that tends to make me say "ouch" the most often.  I should probably consider myself lucky that I don't have a baby with kicks lethal enough to break ribs or anything like that, but this sensation is really uncomfortable and kicks up my worry meter more than anything else.

- Jacob skipped his naps this weekend and as a result he was quite a difficult child for the majority of the two days.  He hadn't been that bad for such a sustained period of time in quite a while.  I even tried to force a nap on him yesterday after his lack of a nap on Saturday led to the nap at the Knighthawks game, but he fought it all afternoon and never took one.  By dinnertime he was disobedient, irrational, obnoxious, and generally hard to deal with.  He has isolated moments like that a lot of the time, but lately he's been pretty good overall (aside from always getting distracted and not doing things when he's supposed to)...but yesterday in particular was constantly challenging.  This no-nap transition really stinks.  I should be grateful it's taken this long to arrive, but man, is it annoying.  On a side note, we have managed to move his bedtime about a half hour earlier over the last week or so.  He'd been a bear to get out of bed most mornings so I figured it might be time.  I feel bad doing it since we don't get that much time with him in the evenings as it is, but knowing that Kindergarten is coming anyway, there isn't much we can do.  I can't say we've been super strict with it, but he's most likely getting to bed 15-30 minutes earlier than he used to.  Hard to tell if it's made a difference, though, as mornings are still pretty tough and it's still a crapshoot as to whether or not he falls asleep when he should.  At least we're making an effort.

I know there was probably more, but this is all my eyes will stay open for.  Yawn.

Last Chance

Last time I was pregnant, I was far less conscious of the chance of going early.  I knew it was a possibility, and even blogged about my concerns with it, but I honestly thought I'd go right up until the end so I wasn't that worried about it.  I got slightly more concerned at my 36 week appointment when I discovered that I was already dilating, but I still wasn't nearly as concerned as I am now.

Based on all of the discomfort I've had so early this time, I've spent much of the last couple weeks convinced that my water's going to break any minute.  Crazy, maybe, but the pressure and discomfort has been scary for me this time.  And if it wasn't for all that I have to take care of in the next few weeks, I wouldn't mind it so much now that the baby is closer to a healthy size and greater lung maturity.  But all that stuff...ugh.  This baby needs to stay put for now.

What's weird for me at this point is wondering when my chances to do certain activities are going to run out. For example, tonight Jacob and I went to the Knighthawks game.  For the record, he didn't nap today and this is how he spent the entire second quarter and all of halftime:

Looks like dropping that nap isn't working out so well for him, eh?  Well, there's another game next week, and then the team is on the road for one weekend before a couple weeks back home.  I keep saying that I need to make it through that weekend on the road (two games--Philly Friday and Buffalo Saturday), and then I'll feel much more confident that Craig won't have to miss a game.  He's got a trip to Denver the first weekend in March, and I've already said that if this baby doesn't come by then, he's not going...but given that I went 10 days early last time, my guess is that this baby is going to come sometime during those couple weeks at home.  But I can't help but wonder which one of these games is going to be our last--either because I have the baby or because I just get too uncomfortable to deal with the long night out with Jacob.  I think about trying to plan ahead a bit when I go to the grocery store, and I'm driving myself a little nuts thinking about needing to go through the baby stuff before a trip to Babies 'R' Us is no longer an option.  I think about my last day of work and what I might leave behind, particularly since my boss might kill me if I came in on my way to the hospital to wrap things up.  

I'm already wondering if I've seen the last of our families until the baby is born.  My parents were in town last weekend, but we haven't seen Craig's family since Christmas.  They will be off to Disney (yes, the trip we would have liked to be going on) soon, but by the time they're back I'm not sure if I'll be confident enough to brave a trip that far away.  We have a couple events in Buffalo in mid-February that would be great to attend (one per family), but will I be up to it?  Will it be worth the risk?  

I just seem to have more of a concept this time around of how quickly plans can change.  Last time we went from a normal night at home to the beginning of a crazy roller coaster ride in the span of five minutes.  With the added wrinkle of taking care of Jacob's needs this time around, it's a little extra nerve-wracking.  I'm trying to plan ahead where I can, but there's so much to think about and it seems like there's only so much I can do.  I can barely think of what to make for dinner in a given week, let alone make plans to set up for easy meals once the baby is born but before I'm ready to go to the grocery store.  I'd like to get a baby shopping trip in, but I'm hesitant to go through a lot of stuff to figure out what we need until I can put the baby's stuff in the baby's room, and that's still on hold until it's painted.  I'm feeling a little stuck and a little panicky, but hopefully I can keep doing things a little at a time and it will be enough in the end.  I did strip the baby's room of all wall decorations and most of the rest of its contents this morning.  Craig will have to help with the furniture, but that's one less thing to worry about.  I also pulled some bins and bags of stuff out of the crawl space so I have a starting point for sorting and washing.  There's still more in there--toys, baby seat, bathtub, swing--but it's a start.  I just wish I could tell when the finish line is going to pop up on the horizon!

Oh, the pain...

I really wish I knew why this pregnancy is so much more painful for me than the last one.  A week or so ago I scoured the blog in the weeks leading up to Jacob's birth to see what I was talking about, and aside from a couple mentions about discomfort while walking (which happened less than a month out, yet was happening to me a month earlier this time) and the issues I had dealing with the extreme heat that hit in early June, I didn't see anything even remotely close to what I'm dealing with now.  This pregnancy has officially ventured into "Is it over yet?" territory, with the caveat that I have a crapload of stuff to do and need the next six weeks (!) to get it all done.

On a side note, I met with a painter yesterday.  The price was slightly higher than I was hoping, but at this point I'm content with someone that comes highly recommended and can get it done within a reasonable time frame.  He's also cool with doing any necessary patching and working around a couple things, so I'm pretty much ready to book him.  We just need to get the paint and hopefully within about 10 days we'll have a blue baby room.  I really need to start pulling the baby stuff out and sorting through it, though, even if I have nowhere to put it at the moment.  God forbid I go into labor tomorrow, because Craig won't have a clue what needs to be brought out.  So, I should probably just set up a staging area in the basement where there will be piles of baby stuff for the next few weeks.  We'll deal.  The most important stuff would be the car seat and bases, the first round of baby clothes (even though hardly any of them are seasonally appropriate), and all of the burp cloths, boppy covers, and the like.  The bottles and all of that should probably be brought out, too.  Hopefully the postponed baby shower we were supposed to have happens in the next week or so, and then we'll see what's left to get.  So much to think about, but fortunately, most of that stuff is fun.  It's the painting part that's not, but at least once we book this guy all we have to do is get the room empty-ish.  It could be worse.

But I am really struggling with how I feel right now physically.  I don't think I ever felt like this last time, and it is killing me that what should be the magical last weeks of what is probably my last pregnancy are being spent in misery.  Either my fear of parenthood last time was really intense, or I didn't feel this way at all last time, because I was perfectly content being pregnant and was in no rush for it to end.  This time I dream of being able to sleep on my stomach without a body pillow, fantasize about sitting in a chair or on the couch without discomfort, and put on shoes without getting winded.  I can barely roll over in bed or get up from the couch.  I am loading up on fiber to counteract some constipation (at least, I think that's contributing to my discomfort), and I think I'm dealing with some pretty significant Braxton-Hicks contractions. 

And the worst thing?  I think I've figured out that the ridiculous back pain I've been dealing with is actually sciatica.  I had a little of it last time where it went down the back of my leg, but this time it goes right through my hip and up into my lower back, mostly on the right side.  It hurts so badly that I can barely sit at my desk or in my car.  It's horrible.  I'm not quite sure what to do.  This is the first time I've ever really understood why women feel the need to go out on disability prior to their due date.  I'm not sure I can do this for much longer.  There are moments where I'm nearly in tears from a combination of pain and frustration.  I'm constantly squirming or getting up to walk around, and it's extra hard to focus on the detailed work I need to do. 

I wanted to enjoy these last few weeks, but instead I'm feeling stuck...trapped between the stuff I need to do and the constant discomfort that's making me wish the days away.  All of this is making life with a newborn seem preferable, even though I know how exhausting and scary and difficult it really is.  And let's not forget that I need to get through labor first!  I wanted to be pregnant again for so long...and now I'm wondering why.  I guess I was just amazingly lucky last time.

I find it ironic that last time I was pregnant I felt like I was letting people down when they'd ask how I was feeling and I only had good things to report.  Well...this time I'm definitely giving them the answer they're expecting, and I feel like such a stereotypical pregnant woman when I do it.  It is driving me nuts because I don't want to complain, but I'm finding it increasingly difficult to maintain my sanity.

I don't know if it's just that I'm older, or that the baby's in an odd spot, or that I just had more energy to deal with it last time, but something is definitely different and I'm just trying to figure out the best way to manage it all during the weeks I have left.  At least it gives me a little something extra to look forward to...   

The Impact of Two

I have many moments at this point where I'm trying to wrap my brain around the concept of having two kids.  I usually don't feel like I have the time or energy for the one I've got, so bringing in another one absolutely boggles my mind.  I'll give myself a little leeway since I know that the adrenaline that goes with having a newborn gives you the ability to do things beyond what you thought possible (hello, 3am feedings!), but it's scary nonetheless.  Still, I've always felt it was important to give Jacob a sibling, and I know that down the road they might take a little of the stress off of us because they'll have each other.  But it's going to be one heck of a change around here.

As I alluded to in my letter to the baby the other day, I'm fully anticipating that Jacob will have some issues adjusting to another person around here...particularly one that is so needy.  He's not very patient most of the time, despite our best efforts, so I don't know how we'll he'll do if he needs to wait while we attend to the baby.  I keep hoping that when he sees that this baby is a living, breathing creature he will realize the importance of sharing this space, but perhaps that is wishful thinking.  He hasn't been particularly interested in the baby so far.  He notices my belly once in a while and was totally shocked when he felt the first real kick ("Is that really my brother?  Really?").  He likes his big boy room and mentions his brother once in a while when it comes to toys, sports, or clothes, but he's pretty uninterested in sharing and still insists he's not going to hold him or feed him.  He hasn't had a lot of exposure to babies in general, so I really have very little idea how he's going to respond to baby stuff like crying, pooping, or eating.  Nursing is a whole other ballgame since he's already aware enough of "boobies", but I'm not going to want to keep covered all the time so he may get quite an education.  Oy.  I think the tough part is that he didn't ask for this.  His world is about to be turned upside-down, by no fault of his own.  To be fair, he's had us to himself for over four years, but it still seems unfair that in the three hours or so that he sees us each night, he's now going to have to share us.  I guess I'll just have to keep that in mind when he's battling a bit...we're all going to need a lot of patience.

As for the new baby, I wonder how much he will get the shaft.  Will I get around to a baby book?  Will I take hundreds of pictures of him?  Will he get the same kind of attention?  He'll never have the same kind of time with us that Jacob did.  Of course, he'll never know any different.  I was the youngest and didn't know the difference, but then again I was a girl after a boy so I may have had unique opportunities simply because of that.  I don't know what it will be like for a second boy.  I worry that the two of them will overwhelm Craig, if nothing else!  They'll like me just fine, but boys love their dad more than anything!  Particularly when their dad works in sports and is a master Lego builder!  Regardless, this baby is getting slightly used parents who aren't going to be quite as energetic as the ones his brother got almost five years ago. 

I worry about us, too, because two kids is a lot to manage.  As it is now we pass Jacob back and forth just to get a few minutes for ourselves.  But what happens when there's two of us and two of them?  How do we get a break?  Will we resent one another when we can't?  Craig works a lot, and much of my spare time is spent doing stuff around the house, so it's a delicate balance.  I'll most likely get an early taste of temporary single parenthood, since Craig will probably have a roadtrip for work pretty quickly after this baby comes, whenever that is.  That will no doubt be an eye-opener, even if I have some help to get me through.  When he gets back from a trip, we'll both be extra exhausted.  What then?

Life with two is going to be different...for all of us.  I'm still very excited, but it's going to be a challenge.  We'll figure it out--not without stress and frustration, I'm sure--but something tells me this little guy (and his big brother) will be well worth it!