Time isn't on my side...

I feel like no matter what I do these days, I'm battling time.  There isn't enough of it...ever.  I'm sure that's the refrain of moms everywhere, but for working moms, I'd have to think that the time crunch is even worse.  I could be wrong, because there's probably some angle I'm not thinking of.  While I'm sure some stay-at-home moms probably think some days don't go quickly enough, I have no doubt that keeping your children occupied all day doesn't leave much time for anything else!  But all I know is that a working mom has the crunch coming from all sides--getting their paying job done, housework, time with their kids, time with their spouse, time with friends and family, time alone--and there just aren't enough hours in the day to give everything its just due. 

As I said, I'm sure that stay-at-home moms have their own version of this, but at least they can sneak in moments of time with their kids here and there, and even if it's not quality time, at least they're in their presence for most of the day.  I don't even see my child for over nine hours per day, which is the vast majority of the time he's awake.  It's sad.  It is what it is, though, and I knew this would be the case when we decided to have a baby.  The reality of it is still pretty crazy, though, and I try not to think about it too much. 

I definitely think if I stayed home I'd still have hard time focusing on Jacob.  I'd see housework to do (and feel guiltier about not doing it since I'm physically there), have errands to run, and still want to spend time on the computer reading the blogs and articles I do now when I have a free second or while I eat my lunch.  And, of course, this blog won't write itself :) 

But even with a multitude of distractions, I'd have to assume that I'd inherently get in a little more quality time with Jacob, even in the form of sharing meals (if you can call that "quality" time based on how eating goes some days), putting him down for his nap, or even a little snuggle time once he gets up.  Our weekend days are usually busy, and even if I'm not on the floor playing with Jacob a lot, we're still talking and interacting.  Which is a heck of a lot more than we do when we're 10 miles apart most days. 

Don't get me wrong--I'm actually a little okay with the whole daycare thing.  I mean, because he started so early, we haven't had a lot of the separation anxiety issues that kids tend to have if they start daycare or school later in life after a long period of time at home.  It's just always how life has been, and he doesn't know any differently.  I like that he gets social interaction with other kids, and I like that there are people who have actually studied education (I think) teaching him things.  If I had the time I could work on those things more, of course, but exposure to people with experience teaching crazy three year olds can't hurt.  Peer pressure does amazing things, too.  He might not want to learn it from me purely out of spite (or whatever cranky reason causes him to not listen to anything else I say), so it's good to know he's getting it somewhere else.  In theory they'll fill in whatever gaps I miss, and vice versa.  I like that he gets that experience, however I wish he only got it three days a week instead of five.

As it is now, our mornings are rushed.  I try to let Jacob sleep as late as he can before getting him up--though normally he does wake up on his own--and from that point on I feel like a drill sergeant directing him to the bathroom to pee, brush and wash, and then back to his room to get dressed, all in enough time to still get myself ready and get on the road so we arrive at daycare before the end of breakfast.  It's always a challenge, particularly since I rarely get enough sleep and have a hard time getting going myself.

Once we're home in the evenings, we rush through daycare pickup since it's usually time for the teachers to leave, too, and rush home...or to the grocery store or any other quick errand we can fit in without pushing dinner too late.  One day a week I go to the gym straight from work and the boys get some quality time together.  Many times this summer they went to the baseball field to play, but those days are looking to be over now that colder, wetter weather has set in.  Regardless of when I get home, I'm generally rushing to get dinner made.  Craig and I eat relatively quickly, but Jacob takes longer, of course.  I'm inevitably pushing him along a bit because he gets so distracted, trying to keep myself occupied by washing dishes or cleaning up. 



Once he's in bed, I usually multitask--catch up on internet reading, write a blog post, and catch up on some shows on the DVR.  Usually that takes far longer than I'd like it to, and before I know it, it's way past my desired bedtime.  I get in bed too late, and as already stated, morning comes too quickly.

Even on weekends I find myself cramming things in.  As much as I appreciate Jacob's naps, they do tend to get in the way of getting things done.  It's a two-plus hour chunk in the middle of the day, and it's especially tricky on Sundays when most things close by 6pm.  In addition, we spend a lot of weekends on the road visiting family, so it takes up a lot of time we might otherwise spend doing things around the house, running errands or enjoying other local activities.  We wouldn't pass that time up, though, because it is so important.  Most of the time, the other stuff can wait.

This weekend we jammed the zoo and a hockey game into Saturday.  Then I wanted to try to cram both the visit to the pumpkin place and an open house at the fire station in on Sunday afternoon.  That did not happen.  I hated to miss out on the fire station thing since it was a one-time thing, but I felt like we needed to get our pumpkin because we're on the road this weekend and I didn't want to wait until a day or two before Halloween.  I've needed to go grocery shopping since the weekend, but that hasn't happened yet.  I still need to do work on my Halloween costume, but that's not happening yet either. 

On a bigger scale, there's also the issue of baby #2.  My body is still battling me about getting back on track, and despite starting this process earlier than last time, we're now behind the timeline we were on with Jacob...which means even if things happen ASAP and go perfectly, everything will be considerably later than I wanted it.  So much for a late spring baby :(  I know I shouldn't be picky, but it's getting harder to be patient.

On a selfish front, I also don't have enough time to explore other hobbies I'd like to look into, like photography.  I feel stuck in the kitchen, both because the boys' palettes aren't too fancy and because I just don't have the time or energy to do more.  I feel guilty thinking about getting involved in a Bible study at church (and yes, I know that should be higher on the priority list) because it would mean another evening away...and a rushed one at that since it would have to be a quick transition from work to daycare to dinner to church.  I keep hoping the day will come that it'll all work out, but when?  Add another baby to mix someday and it probably only gets worse.  The best version of bad, of course, but the battle against time is so agonizing...if only because, in addition to there not being enough of it, what little there is is passing us by so quickly.  Our little boy is getting so big, and I'm just not sure I'm appreciating enough of it. 

Unfortunately, I'm not sure what the answer is, but I guess being conscious of it is a step.  Getting off the computer would probably be another, right?

More Fall Fun

We had a busy weekend as usual.  While summer weekends are usually packed with traveling and picnics, fall weekends are packed with activities closer to home, usually something just trying to pull out what fun we can from the remaining good weather.  Pumpkin patches, football games, hockey games...you name it, we keep busy. 

Thursday night Jacob and I headed out to the Amerks' home opener.  Craig had to go to a big annual event up in Canada hosted by the Knighthawks' owner, but I opted to stay home with Jacob and check out what the Amerks (and Sabres) had in store for the new season.  I also didn't want to have to worry about taking time off of work or being up very late on a work night, so staying home made more sense.  Jacob and I had a pretty good time at the game, though we were disappointed to discover that the guards were preventing kids from playing knee hockey in the nooks off the concourse.  No idea why.  Jacob did get a moment with the Moose and Sabretooth, which was cool...

And here he is trying to escape me while we were waiting for the game to start...

He wasn't quite as good of a sitter as he has been in the past, but we managed.  The team looked terrible, but some interesting changes had been made around the arena.  It was funny being there without having Craig as an employee of the team.  First time since I've known him.

Saturday morning we headed out to the zoo where Craig was working at ZooBoo, the zoo's Halloween event.  Because the weather was cool, windy and rainy, I didn't want to risk Jacob's Batman costume since he still needs it for a few more events, so we opted for last year's costume, which still fits fine.

My little fireman...now with red pants AND winter boots that still fit!

Before we tracked down Craig we ran into Spikes, the Red Wings' mascot, as well as the zoo's penguin mascot...

Once we found Craig, we went around to the rest of the trick-or-treat stations and took a quick play break...

And had a little more fun with the polar bear statues...even if Jacob doesn't make it look fun ;-)

We got to see the sea lions go crazy at feeding time, saw the otter take a swim, the wolves run laps, and the penguins waddle around their new habitat.  We tracked down Jacob's good buddy, the Knighthawks' mascot R. Thunder...

And Jacob got what will probably be the first of many photos with pretty girls...

Soon he'll be watching the Knightingales closer than the mascot...

 Saturday night we headed back to the arena to see the RIT Tigers take on St. Lawrence.  RIT usually plays in a much smaller arena (1/5 the size) but they managed to sell out the arena with more than 10,000 fans, which isn't something that happens often.  Even with all the buzz the Amerks only announced around 9,000 on Thursday.  Many of the 10,000 fans were crazy college kids, and boy were some of them into it.  There were lots of chants (many with profanity, unfortunately--thank goodness Jacob didn't pick up on that), a full band, and some fun little quirks.  I loved that some of the chants included sign language, since RIT has a whole deaf program.  Jacob spent quite a while taking it all in, but eventually he really just wanted to go play hockey.  Here he is being a little crazy with a borrowed pom pom before we took a little walk...

This morning we got up for church, which was a near-disaster today for some reason.  No idea why Jacob decided to be absolutely ridiculous today.  Ugh.  After that, Craig headed out to the Bowhunter Cup, a lacrosse game he had to cover that was held at Turning Stone Casino out past Syracuse.  After Jacob's nap, we headed out to get some pumpkins and check out an indoor fall festival site nearby. 

The place was pretty cool and had an insane number of pumpkins of all kinds.  I had a field day taking pictures of random stuff.  Jacob took a liking to this stage coach...

I thought this little photo op was appropriate...sorry Jacob.

I fell in love this this warty pumpkin, but no, I didn't buy it.

There was no admission to this place, but most of the activities--little rides, crafts, and a petting zoo--cost money.  We skipped past everything and did what we could for free.  Maybe next year.  We did get to see giant bunnies and a llama, and then we saw some of the coolest birds... 

This was one of my favorite ducks.  You should have seen how the feathers on its head fluffed up when it got ticked off.

You'd never know it, but this is a pigeon.  There were some very regal looking ones, too, but this one with the "feather boa" was too fun to pass up!

 Jacob desperately wanted to get into this car...even as he pointed to something else...

He ended up getting a free fire helmet from the firefighters there (appropriate, since I was also hoping to get to a fire station open house today, but his nap went long...not a bad thing), and we ended up back at the stage coach...



He made the most hilarious face on my first attempt at this spot, but the picture was blurry.  I knew it right away and he managed to do a pretty good reenactment, minus really wide eyes :)



We headed off to the craft store and the dollar store afterward to do some Halloween costume shopping (enhancements for my costume), and we had a fun evening trying on our respective costumes.  Jacob still absolutely cracks me up in his.  I never knew I'd find a storebought costume so darn cute. 

We had a handful of difficult moments as usual today, but all in all it was a pretty manageable day, thank goodness.  We have another busy weekend next weekend, so hopefully this week goes quickly and restfully in the meantime.  

Sad Realization

I had an inkling this was true, but it didn't truly hit me until the other day when I was looking back in the blog to posts from when Jacob was just a little baby.  By all accounts, I was a happier parent back then.  I never would have known it considering the sleep deprivation and multitude of worries that go along with having a tiny baby, but the way I was posting pretty much confirmed my suspicions.  In general, when I wasn't having moments of total panic, I was just head over heels in love with my baby boy. 
Please understand that that does not mean that my love for him is any less now.  It's just different.  Let me explain...

I'd venture to say that love for your child isn't far off from the progression of a romantic relationship...at least to a point.  When you're first with a person during the "honeymoon phase", you are totally into them.  You could spend every waking moment with them and probably never be bored, never be annoyed, and never feel the need for alone time.  However, any little chink in the relationship's armor is probably blown way out of proportion...most likely because any issues are a major shock to a system that's been nothing short of obsessed with this other person.  In addition, you have no idea how the relationship will weather the storm.  Basically, panic ensues because you get into uncharted territory.  As a whole, good or bad, everything is new. 

But as the relationship deepens, things even out a bit.  And while your love for them never wavers, it doesn't necessarily hit the highest highs as often.  It's deep and stronger than ever, but finding that giddy excitement you once had seems almost impossible to recapture.  It's not, mind you, but I believe that it takes a truly special situation to get there--say, a romantic getaway, enough alone time to make the heart grow fonder, or an exceptional achievement that makes you glow with pride.  At the other end of the spectrum, the lows may not be quite as dramatic, but they're probably even harder to manage because you have invested so much and hate to see anything jeopardize that. 

When Jacob first arrived, I remember the insane hormonal craziness, but I remember thinking at the time that it was all worth it.  It was so amazing to see this little baby that we had created, holding him, feeding him, and watching him grow.  It was downright euphoric.  We cheered for every little milestone--first smile, first laugh, first crawl, first steps--and marveled as he got bigger, moved to the next room at daycare, and started to learn so many things.  I know that there were so many scary, frustrating and even awful moments in those early days, too, which is why having a baby is beyond hard.  But the miracle of this little child just outshone everything else.

And then the discipline era started.  As Jacob grew, he was able to get into things.  Then he started to get strong-willed.  Bad combo.  Prior to that, any behavior that didn't conform to what we'd have liked was most likely involuntary.  Crying at 4am?  Well, it's not fun, but he's probably not feeling good.  Throwing food?  Well, he's probably just exploring his world and doesn't understand that Mommy doesn't like the mess.  But after a while you know they're wisening up and you know that they're starting to grasp their power.  They learn to take action and press buttons, and honestly, that's when the honeymoon phase starts to end.  Again, you don't love your baby any less, but it becomes brutally obvious that they're not the perfect, angelic, never-done-wrong child that they were for those first few months.

Perhaps the issue is that all of the effort seems worth it early on.  You see a helpless baby grow and thrive, and because they were helpless, it's clear you made an impact.  But as they grow older and become more independent, all that effort sometimes seems wasted.  Parenthood can be a thankless job, and it's much more obvious when you know your child is capable of thanking you, but doesn't.  A cute smile is no longer payment enough.  They ignore what you say, break free from your grasp, and generally find ways to render you useless at any given moment.  It's a far cry from the early days.



Home is much the same.  Whether it's time to get dressed, go potty, eat dinner, pick up toys, or anything else that he's supposed to be doing, he's always doing something else.  During the course of putting on a single pair of pajamas, I probably have to yell at him to get back to actually putting them on at least half a dozen times.  At least.  And that's not counting the prodding to get him to go potty, get his teeth brushed, or pick out books.

He pokes me with stuff, tries to wrestle, hangs on my legs then won't stand up, and throws things.  First thing this morning I walked in and he threw one of his animals at me, full force.  I didn't even get "Good Morning" out, so I can't imagine what provoked that.  I've always made a point to not laugh at certain behaviors at risk of him wanting to recreate the performance repeatedly, but no amount of straight faces or stern voices seem to communicate that it's not nice, not acceptable, and not okay.

I could go on and on (even more), but long story short, it's exhausting to try to keep Jacob on track and battle through.  And all that exhaustion makes it so hard for that pure, simple love to come through.  I used to be so excited to go home and spend time with him, but now I know I'm facing an evening of yelling and bargaining and it's hard to get excited about that.  I'm so wrapped up in dealing with my stubborn little boy that there just aren't many moments where I can see the face of my sweet, innocent baby come through.  Once in a while he'll be so genuinely sweet, or adorably excited about something, and I instantly have that awesome high where parenthood is the most fulfilling thing ever and my heart practically explodes.  But where I used to be so fulfilled by parenthood, now I just feel a bit overwhelmed. 

I love Jacob so much and would be lost without him.  He's the center of my universe and I only want what's best for him.  Yet after so many attempts at discipline and doing what we can to encourage his interests, I'm left not knowing what is best.  I should just find ways to enjoy him, but instead I find myself withdrawing at times, as an attempt at self-preservation or a sub-conscious action motivated by fear of failure. 

Maybe the key point is this--When Jacob was a newborn, I knew how to love him.  There was no wrong way.  Nowadays I still love him so much, but I'm not sure how to love him best.  He now needs more than lots of hugs and kisses and prompt meals and diaper changes.  He needs direction and discipline, to listen and learn...and yes, he needs those meals, hugs and kisses (and periodic assistance with his pants), too.  The stakes are bigger now, and the fear and frustration are, too.  I'm doing the best I can, but I never know if it's good enough...for him or me.  The joy is missing and I hope I find it again one of these days.  Let's hope it's just hiding under the couch with everything else.

Pumpkin Time! (Well, sort of...)

Sunday was going to be a beautiful day.  It's not often you get an 80 degree day in October, but that's what we had.  Based on our schedule for the rest of the month, I was planning on going to the pumpkin patch next Saturday.  However, the weather was looking iffy--upper 50s and rainy.  There's nothing worse than hanging out on a farm when it's wet and muddy.  So, sometime on Saturday the thought crossed my mind that if we skipped church (I know...bad) we could go to the pumpkin patch before Craig had to leave for the player appearance he had to go to.  We don't skip church often, but I felt like doing it this time, to take full advantage of the beautiful weather, was worth it. 

We decided to go to Stokoe Farms, the same place we went last year, as well as the year I got pregnant.  In fact, I think the first pictures of me pregnant were taken there, but I didn't know it yet!  I knew it was probably going to be crazy busy and unfortunately we didn't get there quite as early as would have been ideal.  Still, we had a lot of fun.  The bummer was that a lot of the good stuff had long lines--the zip lines, gourd slingshots, the pedal cars, and the human hamster wheels were all super busy.  We couldn't spend time getting lost in the corn maze, either. 

The first thing we did was hop on the hayride, and we finally got a really good family picture.  Seriously, it's nothing short of a miracle.  This right here was worth the price of admission :)

Upon seeing the long lines, we headed off to a set of big slides on Billy Goat Mountain.  There are four open slides and two tube slides.  The four slides and one tube slide are really huge.  And fast.  Jacob seemed eager to do them, so up we went.  He decided we should do the open ones, but the second we got there he freaked out.  However, people were waiting and there was really no other way down, so I sat him down next to me, grabbed his hand and pushed us off.  He wasn't too happy on the way down, and as you can see in the picture, he's flopping around a bit (I'm on the left, he's sliding almost sideways next to me), but we made it down very quickly.  It was crazy fast!

Surprisingly, despite insisting he didn't like it, he wanted to go back up.  We ended up doing the big tube slide that time.  He seemed to like that one a lot more, but boy, was that one ever fast, too!

After that we checked out the goats and Jacob got to feed one.  It took a while because I think they were already stuffed!

His technique was much improved this year!

We checked out the most adorable little piglets, a couple emus, sheep, a yak, and a bunny, then headed to an area full of trikes and Little Tikes cars, among other things.  The area also has a couple sandbox-esque digging areas, and rubber duck races, but Jacob gravitated to the giant tractor in the middle.  I found it ironic since he refused to go up on it last year! 

He couldn't really reach the wheel so we moved along to this "tractor"...

We checked out some baby chicks before heading to the corn box...yep, just a BIG area full of dried corn kernels...

And I think Jacob was so proud of himself getting up on the slide that he started causing a traffic jam!  Of course, the girls at the bottom of the slide weren't doing him any favors...

Then he tried "milking a cow"...

,...saw some alpacas, and climbed a mountain with Daddy...

Victorious!

At the bottom of the hay mountain, I tried to get a good picture of Jacob, but he found it more fun to try to poke the camera with hay!

But I did get a smile out of him, so it was all worth it!

Time was running short so we had to skip pumpkin buying.  We grabbed one last photo op...

...And we headed out so Craig could meet a Knighthawk at a benefit for a 14-year-old kid with cancer.  That was pretty sobering, but there was a ton of support.  We headed home to watch the end of the Bills game, eat some dinner, and relax after a busy day.

I'm bummed we couldn't do our pumpkin shopping, but I'm hoping we can hit up a local garden center whose activities are all inside this weekend and make up for lost time.  And if nothing else, there's always the little farm market on the same road as Jacob's daycare.  We'll get pumpkins, I have no doubt!

The 'Cuse

So, we had a busy weekend.  I guess busy is usually good because it also generally means fun and eventful...and that was certainly the case.  However, I'm heading into another brutal week of work and I have caught Jacob's cold, so perhaps rest would have been better...but in the end, I suppose it was all worth it.

Saturday we went to Syracuse.  Despite the fact that Craig went to Syracuse for grad school, I had never been there.  The boys went last year when my college roommate Mary came to visit, and it was for the same thing we went to this year--alumni lacrosse games.  I was actually excited to go to the Carrier Dome, since I've seen it so much here and there (from afar).  It was a pretty limited audience for this event, but I can only imagine what it's like when it's full and rockin'!  We were pretty much there because Craig wanted to interview a few Knighthawks' players who were participating.

Jacob barely napped on the way up, but other than having ants in his pants for a good portion of the time we were there, he was pretty good.  He did well with the potty and didn't stray too far from where we were sitting.  He did take one little spill down a couple steps where we were sitting because he wasn't watching where he was going, but other than a lot of crying, he was fine.  He kept asking to wear a different pair of shorts (his Nike shorts) and really just wanted to go play lacrosse, but all in all I can't complain.  I was getting fidgety too, to be honest!  The game lasted so long that Craig even decided to just interview one guy who played in the earlier, less formal game (the one we watched was the current team vs. the most talented alumni) rather than stay through the end to get the guys he ideally wanted.  Still, it was cool to see.  I couldn't help but wonder if we'll be among the ranks of the very-obvious parental supporters for something like this in another 15-18 years.  For some reason seeing the real deal made it just a little more realistic in my mind.  I'll be proud of Jacob regardless of what sport(s) he ends up playing, though.

I got a couple pictures of Jacob while we were hanging out, and while they're both similar, I like 'em both for different reasons.

Doesn't he look like such a big boy here?  Holy cow that freaked me out!  Maybe it's just the new sneaks.

He's actually looking at the camera and smiling.  A real smile.  Amazing how that works.

In the end the game lasted so long that walking around the campus didn't work out, as we were eager to grab some dinner and get on the road back home. We did drive around a bit, and it was interesting to see things around campus. The kids, of course, look younger than ever. The reality of the fact that one year of their education is more than pretty much my entire college education combined boggled my mind a bit. I mean, that's a lot of money, a lot of debt, and a lot of pressure to make good use of that degree.  However, I can't help but wonder if the students themselves realize the situation they're in.  Regardless, it underscored the fact that Jacob either needs to get a fantastic scholarship or he should attend a state school.

The campus itself was interesting. There was a mix of classic older buildings and fancy new ones, all in a city street setting (at least, the area we were in). It was sometimes hard to tell what was an academic building vs. a residental building. It was a far cry from Geneseo, where all the academic buildings are basically in one big cluster around a couple grassy quads, and the dorms are all clustered on the outskirts in a few distinct areas.  No cars, no streets...just a few simple paths.  In case I wasn't already, that sure made me grateful for my college experience, where I just had to note the locations of a handful of buildings on a simple campus map...because God knows the college experience was enough of a change/challenge that I didn't need "finding my next class" to be a lesson in city street navigation as well.

We finished off the trip with a gluttonous visit to Cici's Pizza, which you may remember from our trip to the NLL All-Star Game in the spring and our detour through Erie on our return trip from Pittsburgh last summer. And of course, the was also that fantastic, bottomless-pit-while-pregnant visit when we went to Orlando in December 2007. That was the BEST. No, it's not the highest quality pizza, but it's still good and the variety is a nice change of pace.  And Jacob eats for only 99 cents, so that's cool too...even if he did eat enough to more than justify the price.

We had an uneventful drive home with the boys watching movies in the back seat and me catching up on some of the new, free music I added to my iPod over the past couple weeks from a couple sites that offer free downloads of independent artists or sneak peek songs from established artists.  It was a peaceful night that ended with the usual Jacob tantrum at bedtime, but all in all, it wasn't a bad day. 

We ended up having a spur-of-the-moment-ish fun Sunday, which I'll report on soon :)

Memories...

Today my co-worker's water broke at work.  She's a month early.  Her baby was measuring big, so assuming his lungs are adequately developed, everything should be fine.  It was a big surprise, of course, particularly considering her office shower was just last Thursday.  Needless to say it was a bit of an unorthodox afternoon in the office, and there was much reminiscing about our own experiences in the water-breaking, labor-surviving world. 

It brought back a lot of memories, that's for sure.  My fluid started leaking 12 days before my due date, and even that was a shock.  I can't imagine how my friend was feeling as she hurriedly gathered up her stuff and headed out, a month ahead of schedule.  In addition, she had an hour drive to the doctor, as she lives quite a ways outside the city and her doctor is even beyond that.  I was lucky enough to have some time to kill in the city between my doctor's appointment and getting the go-ahead to go to the hospital, enough time to clear a few more things off my desk and make sure everything was good to go for my absence. 

I will apparently never live that little stop down, as it came up today and people still I think I was nuts to be there.  But here's the deal--there was no sense going all the way home, only to get the imminent call to drive 20 minutes back to the city, so it just made sense to go somewhere in the city.  And it sounded like a good idea to take a few minutes to go to the office and clear some things up.  It wasn't ideal since I was leaking fluid and all, but it's not like I was in active labor.  And a little peace of mind goes a long way. 

I pondered the hours she had ahead of her, maybe the beginning of contractions or getting started on pitocin, lots of pain, and eventually holding her sweet little boy in her arms.  I remembered the nervous excitement and reality setting in that this was really going to happen, one way or another.  I didn't have a birth plan other than just going with the flow and trusting my doctor. I've done a lot of reading in the years that followed, and I think I want to be a little more active in deciding how I want to give birth next time.  However, I'm well aware that things don't always go as planned and next time things may end up quite the same.  God knows that no matter how much I'd like to avoid drugs so I can push more efficiently next time, I know how early the pain got to me, and it was painful enough even with the drugs...so I really have no illusions that I'll make it anywhere without them.  Passing out and puking don't work too well in the middle of childbirth, so I don't think I have many other options.  Still, it would be nice to be up and walking, or try out the tub thing that so many women say works wonders, but both of those things weren't options while being induced thanks to all the monitoring.  I think I'd also like to try laboring on all fours or using a squatting bar, rather than on my back, but I have no idea how that would go over. 

Of course, this is all assuming I ever get pregnant again, which seems like a more difficult prospect every day.  My body is still very, very confused, maybe even more than last time.  Here I thought I had left myself plenty of time to get on track and maybe even aim for an earlier due date than last time, but...nope.  Even if things were to magically work out (much like last time) within the next couple weeks, I'd be lucky to be looking at a similar timeline as last time.  And that's assuming all goes well.  There are no guarantees in any of this, and I think the complete and utter uncertainty of pregnancy is one of the things that's easy to forget once you're more focused on worrying about the very real, very tangible little human that suddenly appeared in your world.  Those nine months of worrying pale in comparison to worrying for the rest of your life once they're in the outside world, where the stakes are so much higher.  For all the amazement that comes with pregnancy, there's a boatload of worry, too.  And it starts even before the two lines pop up on the pregnancy test.

I'm still not freaking out, but I'm quite annoyed and wondering at which point I give up trying to figure it out myself and call the doctor.  Most likely I won't have a major issue getting pregnant if things get back on track, but again, no guarantees.  But assuming that's the case, it's probably fine to ask for a little help.  All I can do is call.  It all worked out last time and it probably will this time, too...and as I've said before, it's all about trusting in God's perfect timing.  It's never failed me before, and it won't now. 

So, anyway, it was an interesting day.  Lots of unexpected reminiscing and hopefully some good news to look forward to in the morning...

Weekend Review

Despite the fact that it was a rainy, miserable, cold weekend, we managed to keep ourselves occupied and have some fun.  Friday's night's movie night (per my last post) wasn't exactly ideal, but in retrospect I take some solace in the fact that he probably didn't bother other people too much with his antics.  Much preferred to the screaming child or something worse, you know?

Saturday was a pretty low key day.  It was so awful outside that there wasn't much reason to leave the house.  I spent a good chunk of the morning sorting through Jacob's clothes, doing the much-dreaded every-few-month try-on to see which things from last season still fit.  I cleared out enough space in his closet to put in the new/hand-me-down stuff for the fall, and as the weather officially cools, I'll take out the rest of the summer stuff and stow it away until next spring's try-on session.  I also did a bit of work on my own closet, taking out the sleeveless stuff and selecting a few things for donation that I either haven't worn in ages and won't wear again, either due to style changes or (more often) my post-pregnancy belly that won't quite go away.  It's pleasantly freeing but it's still a bit of a melancholy process because it either feels wasteful or sad when the clothes no longer work for me.  I also worked on getting out the Halloween decorations and made a fantastic dinner--this really great creamy chicken casserole we fell in love with when someone gave us a batch during the week my grandma passed away.

We needed to go out to pick up milk anyway, and I had noticed that the coupon I had set aside for Jacob's Halloween costume expired that day, so we decided to head out in the evening to get Jacob's costume.  After originally insisting that he wanted to be a ghost, at some point in the last few weeks he settled on Batman.  As you may recall, he started on this Batman kick after the Labor Day long weekend trip with Craig's family when he saw some Batman DVDs and got Batman pajamas.  He now requests to be called Batman ("I'm not Jacob, I'm Batman!") and refers to Craig as "Robin".  Since he seems to be pretty deeply entrenched and Craig is fueling it (the weekend viewings of the old school Batman TV show on this new channel we have were among his fuel), I figured we could take the risk to buy the costume this early.  The coupon made it within my threshold, though not nearly as cheap as the few bucks we spent last year on his fire helmet (he already had received the jacket as a gift).  So much for attempting to make it through his childhood without a major branded obsession.  At least it's one that's stood the test of time, right?

So, off we went to Party City, where I had a $10 coupon and had pinpointed an acceptable costume.  There are many preschooler Batman costumes out there, but most of them are pretty odd looking.  Admittedly, so is the one we ended up with, but I think ours is exaggerated enough that you laugh more than thinking how pathetically store-bought it is.  We tried it on Jacob before we left, and I couldn't even get the mask on without laughing.  Once I got the mask on, I had tears.  So funny.  In a good way.

Check out the six pack!

Too cute!!

Now if we could just get him to stop asking to wear it.  I don't trust its durability and I am NOT buying another one if this one rips while he's messing around in it.

Sunday we met my parents at their friends' house out in Victor (east side of Rochester), where their daughter Laurie was visiting with her two kids.  You may remember them from our last day of vacation, when the boys got to play and I got to hold her new little girl.  Our parents had just returned from two weeks together in Alaska, and it was my first time seeing my parents in over a month, which is a pretty long stretch for us.  Colin was very excited to see Jacob, and the boys got right to playing...

One big McQueen, one small McQueen...the big one had to be shaken up and then it took off very fast!  They got in a pretty good groove taking turns, since the second shake-n-go car (Mater) was losing his battery power.

Eventually playtime headed to the basement, and they continued to have fun...

Puzzles...

Togetherness in the car!

They even set up a "gas pump" for the car, using an unplugged shop vac...

Fill 'er up!

They played very well together.  As usual there were a handful of sharing issues but they were very well-controlled.  They still did some parallel play, but that's to be expected since their interests are a little different overall.  Jacob was completely happy to throw a soft football to anyone who would play with him, though he probably got more than he bargained for when Colin tackled him!  They were both good sports, though, and in the meantime the moms got to chat about the joys of three year olds...potty training, ill-fitting pants (tiny waists, long legs), and tantrums.

I got to hold sweet little Kelly for a while, and later on I hung out next to her spot on the floor while she contentedly stared up at the baby gym.  Oh, how I miss that age, where they smile at your goofy faces and lay there completely content, unable to roll or crawl away.  I know there's a lot of hard stuff that goes along with that age, but she was just so sweet...and I even caught a smile!

urprised at how functional he was while we were there.  By the end, though, I could tell he was starting to crack.  We snapped one last picture of the boys, and then headed out...

Such big boys!  They're almost exactly the same height, despite how it looks here.  Let me tell you, they're both a far cry from our first visit!

We got in the car a little before 6:30, planning to go home, have some dinner, and meet up with Craig, who'd spent the afternoon at a lacrosse tournament.  Jacob fell asleep by the time I hit the end of the driveway (it was a longer than average one, but still!), and barely woke up when we got home.  I plopped him on the couch to get myself settled, but when I went to try to wake him up, he just snuggled into the couch more.  I left him for a bit and tried again a little later, but again, no dice.  Craig snuggled up to him at one point, but I decided that we really needed to do something--namely, get him up to his room and see if that woke him up--since normally the second he hits his bed, he decides he wants to be awake--or if he was really down for the count, despite not eating dinner.  He settled right into his bed and I left him just like I would at bedtime, but fully expecting him to wake up at a really inopportune time in the middle of the night.  Right before I went to bed (early--just in case we had a long night ahead of us), I changed him out of his jeans and into his pajama pants to make sure he'd be comfortable.  He slept right through that, too.  I was still convinced he'd wake up in the middle of the night or really early in the morning, so off to bed I went.  But sure enough, I didn't hear a peep out of him until just before 7am!  He slept nearly 12-1/2 hours!  Normally he sleeps about 10-1/2, no matter when he goes to bed.  I was hoping all that sleep would deliver us a perfectly sweet child, but no...he was perhaps more difficult than usual.  Other than dinner, that is.  He inhaled his dinner, which doesn't surprise me one bit considering his missed meal last night. 

So, yeah...crazy weekend, but really good.  It was nice to see my parents as well as the Dohertys/McDonoughs, and I feel happy knowing that we got Jacob's costume in case we want to take advantage of any pre-Halloween events, like the one at our zoo that we're always missing because I'm figuring out his costume at the last minute.  The weather was a tough reminder that winter will be here all too soon and we'll be stuck inside (or freezing outside) for months, but at least I got a jump on that too by organizing clothes.  On to another week--ridiculously busy at work yet again--and at least one adventure to look forward to this weekend!