Seventeen

Dear Jacob,

Well.  This was not the year we were expecting, was it?  A little over a year ago, we started on this crazy roller coaster ride of your health and my anxiety.  While most of the ups and downs have evened out, we're definitely still on the ride.  I never would have guessed we'd be here with you down one piece of hardware and me on anxiety meds, but here we are.  I had really, really hoped your various issues would have all resolved by now, but it really has seemed to be one thing after another--the blood pressure/chest pain worries, a concussion, numerous viral things, a couple ER visits, the reflux, ongoing shin issues leading to surgery, the constipation issues, hip issues, fatigue, more shin issues, and lots more I'm forgetting, all wrapped up in anxiety for both of us.  It's been a lot.  I keep hoping one of these days we'll get a real break, but for now we're still doing everything we can to get you there.  On the bright side, nothing has really emerged as a long-term problem aside from your shin still being a bit stubborn.  There were multiple times in the past year I was really worried about certain symptoms, but none of those things have really come to pass aside from the surgery, so I guess that's a win.

Our parent-child dynamic has evolved, but it sometimes feels a little Jekyl-and-Hyde to me.  As you know, sometimes you are a lot to manage.  You have a lot of health concerns and anxiety that we have to work through.  You need a lot of nudging to do your homework, get out of bed, or eat food on a normal schedule.  You are very opinionated and sometimes fixate on certain things.  Your education has been an adventure, and your sports and training needs are high.  But at the same time, sometimes I marvel at your maturity, drive, and focus.  You are beyond your years in how you think through certain things and in making goals for yourself.  You are so confident, almost to a fault.  You have thought so much more about your future than I ever did at your age.  You are an amazing athlete and it's so cool to watch you evolve.  I don't have to worry about a lot of peer pressure things most parents worry about because you're so self-assured and future-focused, meaning you see the stupidity of things like drinking, drugs, or premarital sex.  You have strong Christian convictions and high standards.  You overthink most things, but most of the time you come to a reasonable conclusion.  For all the times we battle--about differences in opinion, travel preferences, food, etc.--I know that it still may be less than some disgruntled teenagers argue with their parents.  Even though things aren't always easy, there are times where it's clear how much worse it could be.

You have come around to accepting your brother so much more, which warms my heart.  It's not perfect--you're still overly critical sometimes and often downplay some of his choices or interests--but it is light years better than where we were a few years ago.  Baseball has bonded you, and it was a sweet moment on Father's Day to watch you two playing catch on the Bisons field, or to catch you coaching Carter or fist-bumping him during his games.  There were times I never thought I would see moments like that.  It has really changed the whole dynamic in our house and made it significantly more peaceful.  Really the only time I feel like I lose my cool right now is when your anxiety goes over the deep end (which we're working on).

And honestly, I know that so much of your frustration is justified and comes from very legit concerns.  You want a healthy body, you want to feed your body better but don't really know with what, and you want a better school situation.  None of those are particularly easy to fix.  Your impatience is hard even if it's valid, and I want to do better at helping you manage these things and ultimately fix them.  It's probably one of my greatest challenges as a parent to try to help you through these things, acknowledge the hard, but encourage you to find ways to co-exist with it.  I know what it takes to be an adult with a job and responsibilities, and those things don't go away just because you're tired or not feeling great.  It's one of the great skills of maturity to get out of bed and get through a workday despite less-than-optimal circumstances.  I don't want to dampen your spirit with the truth that it will likely only get harder, but now is when you figure it out, when it's still mostly safe to fail.  That's why I'm trying to get you to clean up after yourself or be more proactive and self-sufficient with food--now is the time to figure out what works for you so you can do it yourself someday.  I hope down the road you can respect what we're doing, just like I finally understood why my parents forced me to go away to college.

Speaking of which...college isn't that far away for you at this point.  Typing "Seventeen" to title this post didn't even seem possible.  How are you a year away from technical adulthood?  The person you have become seems so far removed from the kid you once were.  It's so hard to reconcile the two sometimes.  Recently I loaded a ton of photos on to a flash drive for my old digital picture frame, and it's mind-blowing to see my old favorite pictures of you crop back up and contrast with the big kid sitting on the couch across the room.  You are much closer to a man than a kid at this point--though mentally still clearly a teenager who needs a lot of direction--but it's so strange to think of how far we've come.  When the memory popped up on Facebook a couple days ago recounting how my water broke more than 48 hours before you were born, the reality that it happened 17 years ago was hard to grasp.  That moment is still incredibly vivid in my mind, so 17 years of age, life, and changes seem incompatible.  Pictures and videos of that tiny baby?  Impossible that's the same human that towers over me now and speaks so confidently.  The little toddler who spent hours creating elaborate game setups with various toys and figures?  OK, maybe he's not that far removed from the big kid who now spends hours building baseball stadiums on Xbox, but I just can't believe we've come so far.  Watching your children grow into adults is not for the weak, but it is one heck of a ride...and lucky for you, I like roller coasters!

At some point we still need to tackle driving and getting a job.  You haven't quite gotten around to those things yet, although working papers are in progress and you did randomly take (and fail) a sample permit test.  Fortunately you have all summer coming up to figure those things out and finalize what next year's school situation will look like (probably the same school but you are currently hell-bent on running the show next year if you stay).  Hopefully we can get that shin back up and running and finish the basketball season strong before you start preparing for the next one.  There is literally never a dull moment with you, and I hope 17 is a better year that gives you all the best kind of fulfillment.  We love you and will always be right behind you, even as the real world looms ever closer.  Happy 17th Birthday, Jacob!

Love,
Mom