About Tuesday...

At the end of my last post I lamented Tuesday.  Why?  Well...during the day it became apparent that the cold I assumed I caught from Carter was sticking in there.  I felt mostly fine, but just had congestion and a runny nose, just like he had.  My stomach was a little off, but that can happen with me from time to time, though it doesn't usually last all day like it did.  But as a whole I felt fine and it seemed to be following what Carter was dealing with over the weekend, albeit with a rumbly stomach and a couple bathroom trips around each meal.  We went to Carter's baseball night and my parents actually came in to see him play.  They were going to come in last week when they were south of Rochester at their friends' lake cottage, but they were a bit tired after a hike at Stony Brook so they went home.  But Tuesday was a lovely night so they made the drive out on the more scenic northern route to see him play.  It was nice to see them and catch up, and Carter had a couple good plays, so they enjoyed it.

I was getting a little more tired by the end of the game, and my nose was running a bit more (again, just like Carter where it would spontaneously run out of the blue).  Jacob had training so he and Craig left separately, and Carter and I went home.  As I sat in my chair, all of a sudden I started getting chills.  It wasn't quite teeth-chattering bad, but it was uncomfortable and lasted a while.  I didn't have a fever, though.  I texted Craig and pondered whether I should send him for a COVID test on their way home.  In the end he grabbed a few and I headed toward bed early and took a test with me.  Much to my agony, the test line showed up almost immediately, even quicker and darker than the control line.  Noooooooooo.  Why now?!  I avoided COVID (for the most part) for three and a half years and I get it now, a week ahead of our trip to Disney?  Seriously?!  

Of course this set off some panic throughout the house, from wondering what this meant for the trip and also how we were going to keep me quarantined.  Jacob was beside himself, and I felt soooo guilty.  I can't even describe the feeling of sadness and anger and dread.  It took me forever to go to sleep and my heart rate was elevated all night--nothing dangerous, but something akin to what my walking heart rate normally is, but it happened while I was trying to lay down and relax.  I wasn't sure if it was stress or COVID.  Plus I had this strange pain under my left ribs that hurt most when I tried to take a deep breath.  I was irrationally worried it was a blood clot in my lung (because COVID does weird stuff), or maybe a COVID lung issue in general.  Fortunately that went away by morning, but it tortured me most of the night.  I woke up from what little sleep I had around 5:30am with a splitting headache, so I took some medicine and tried to go back to sleep.  I maybe got in a little more rest after that, but had to get up and do some work in the morning because I had a lot to wrap up before vacation and I didn't really have the choice to not do it.  So as long as I could feel functional, I needed to work.  I made it through about half the morning and took a nap, and then worked again after lunch until about 3:30 when I was almost done with the biggest thing I needed to do, and felt like I needed another nap, which lasted until about 5pm.  I just felt generally crappy.  The headache was really hard to work through.  I was a little achy and tired, and still congested.  

I spent the night in my room and watched a couple movies (including one I needed to see before Disney), and actually finally got a decent night of sleep.  I think I slept until about 7:30 without more than some rollover wakeups.  But when I woke up the headache had retreated to just a bit below the surface.  My energy level felt better, and even the congestion wasn't as bad.  I think my drainage has moved into my throat a little because I have little coughing fits and more throat clearing right now.  But as a whole I felt a lot better today.  I had a little return of the congestion, but that seemed to lay off again too.  I'm hoping the progress continues, but COVID isn't always a linear recovery, so we'll see.  I think I can be functional by the time we go, but whether I will have "Disney energy" remains to be seen.  Adrenaline will help, but I may have to be a bit more careful and selective about what we do.  At least it might keep me closer to my family's energy level, which I think was sort of the case when Craig and I went when I was pregnant--I was just down enough energy that I didn't run him as ragged as I normally would have, which likely kept us both on the same page more easily.  

As a whole, I hate feeling like I'm poisonous to my family.  The thought that my breath or touch could get them sick is hard.  I usually get the evil eye every time I come out of whatever room I'm quarantining in, even though everyone is masked.  I'm the last one in the family to have to go through this, and in some ways it's easier and in some ways it's harder.  I never liked seeing them suffer, so being the one in this position now just feels like it was my turn.  On the other hand, I guess I don't mind some solo, guilt-free down time.  The fact I watched two movies two nights in a row is a little mind-blowing and pretty much something I can't remember ever doing.  But I hate that this is happening now.  How did I avoid it for so long and end up with this extra-crappy timing?  

So, the main fear right now is whether anyone else is going to get it.  We have the odd record here of no one ever catching it within our house, five times running.  Every time someone has been sick, no one else has caught it even though there was ample opportunity each time.  I worry so much that this will be the time that's not the case, and probably JUST in time to mess up our trip even more.  We tested Carter immediately that first night and he was negative.  But he was with me in the car twice that night, I slept next to Craig Monday night, and I sat at the dinner table with everyone Tuesday, so it's possible everyone could have been exposed.  I guess we'll probably know by Saturday or so if anyone's going to get it.  At that point we'd probably have to cancel our trip, but we're hoping that's not the case.  Everyone has been masking around the house since I got my positive test, even though I'm masking and we're keeping distance for the most part.  It's hard in our house since we only have one full bath and just a half downstairs.  But we determined it was easier for me to sleep in our room and use the downstairs bathroom.  For whatever reason the boys all slept in the basement the first night as everyone was decompressing from the bad news, and in the living room the next night.  I don't know why the kids aren't sleeping in their rooms, but whatever--I guess everyone is a little discombobulated.  Working has been a challenge as my workspace is in the dining room and I had work that needed my big screen.  I did work those few hours in the afternoon there yesterday, about 15-20 feet away from everyone else, but the boys decided they should give up the basement so I could move down to my desk in the basement office for the rest of the week because they felt safer that way.  It's still hard to have me be the quarantined one because I'm the main cook and house manager, and no one is serving me quite like I served everyone else when they were quarantined.  I have to go to the kitchen because no one is picking up my dishes or bringing me snacks.  We ordered out dinner the last two nights.  I'd probably have felt good enough to cook today but the boys are pretty skittish about me being around or touching anything, so I guess we'll keep eating out.

My other personal fear, assuming we go, is that I'm dreading having to wear a mask in Florida.  It wouldn't be the whole time, as my 10 days will end mid-trip, but with the heat there (and possibly being a bit lower energy as it is), I'm just not sure how I will do it.  I sit and sweat in my 75 degree room wearing a mask, so 100 is going to be much harder.  I'm actually hoping I can test negative before we go so I can be a bit more selective about when I mask.  I was going to wear one on the plane anyway, but sharing and sleeping in essentially one big space is not ideal (around a larger corner, but still), and I'd feel better about that if I'm testing negative.  The heat will be horrible so hopefully outside I can mostly be unmasked, but inside I will probably need to do it for a bit, especially if a space is too tight.  It's super frustrating but I suppose it's a small price to pay for still being able to go.  

I'm still pondering how I got it.  Obviously in retrospect the Cedar Point trip seems stupid now.  If I could go back in time I'd probably buy the passes and try to go in September.  I'm mad at myself.  But we went to Darien Lake a bunch this summer and nothing happened, so why should this really have been any different?  Yet it's odd to me that I got it and Carter didn't since we spent the entire weekend together.  We were in the same lines and spaces, so why me and not him?  He last had COVID in October so maybe he had enough just antibodies left that it helped him?  The other theory is that he actually had it first but was barely affected and then gave it to me.  That would make sense that our colds were similar, but it's amazing to me that he would have already tested negative Tuesday, so soon after.  But I don't know where he would have gotten it since he wasn't that out and about last week.  We thought he actually caught a slight cold that Jacob had, so maybe Jacob had COVID from basketball stuff?  If that was the case, it's possible he wasn't too affected because he last had it in March and would have still had decent antibodies.  But if he had it, Craig would have likely caught it.  He had sniffles last week, too, but nothing along these lines.  So, who knows.  We may never know.

Psychologically, this has been a frustrating experience for me.  I was nervous about going on the Cedar Point trip, but I felt like that was more my anxiety talking than anything.  My brain often goes to the worst case scenario, and then I need to walk it back a bit and figure out what's actually logical.  We'd been to Darien Lake three times this summer and nothing like this happened.  Most of the trip would be outdoors.  I felt like Craig and Jacob actually had more of a risk given they'd be inside and with a lot of people all weekend in Canada.  Heck, we sat in dozens of basketball games all winter, Jacob and I toured the midwest in the spring, and we went to Disney last year when COVID was still a thing (ha, the irony) and barely took precautions but didn't get it.  Why should this trip be any different?  I prayed about it and eventually decided to just trust God that he would protect us.  So, to say I am disappointed would be an understatement.  It's not often that I get mad at God.  Disappointed, confused, frustrated, yes...but mad doesn't happen very often.  But I'll be honest, I did feel a little anger that He let this happen.  Maybe that's unfair, but it just felt like a complete betrayal.  I know that's not what it is, but it was a little soul-crushing to have this happen when I purposely tried to not live in fear.  I felt like I was stepping out in faith to keep a promise to my kid and give him a great experience.  Then the exact one big fear I had came to be almost immediately.  It's not great for my anxiety or my mental state to live with that, because it will only reinforce those hesitations next time and, again, that's not how I want to live.  I don't want to let fear drive everything because I always have to work so hard against it anyway.  I just can't understand why this happened this way.  Part of me is like, if we don't end up going, is God saving us from something else?  I did see there could be a tropical disturbance headed toward Florida next week (though hopefully more along the west coast/panhandle area), so maybe if we end up not going it was for a bigger reason.  I don't know.  I overthink things.  But it was disheartening that I tried to get out of my anxious, fearful hesitancy and initially it seemed perfect...until it wasn't and it totally bit me in the butt.

The problem is, in the meantime I'm too scared to pack anything.  I don't want to get ahead of myself only to do that sad unpacking that comes with a disappointing last-minute change in plans.  Maybe by Saturday I'll feel confident enough to do it, but I just can't yet.  I probably need to get my lists all organized in the meantime so when I try to do it, I'm ready.  I really wanted to try to get a new backpack to wear in the parks to spare my shoulders the agony of my drawstrings, but I can't do it until Sunday so that may not happen.  I never did have a chance to figure out if Jacob needs any school supplies, nor have I been able to get him to try on any of his new pants.  I'm just all out of sorts now and clearly not willing to tempt fate again by packing early.  Oh, and we're getting a new fridge tomorrow and supposedly I'm not allowed to help with emptying it or being around for the delivery.  I might need to call our plumber, too, because the delivery people may not be able to hook up the water line, so that's going to be a little challenging as well when I'm literally quarantined and bringing him into a COVID house.  That might have to wait until we're home.  This is just a mess of epic proportions right now.  And it's all my fault.  Sigh.  What was supposed to be a fun week of anticipation (even if it was stressful) is just awful, and our trip may follow right along.  WHY?!