Analysis Paralysis

I don't know what's happened to me over the last 18 months, but it's becoming ever-clearer to me that I have some sort of COVID-induced analysis paralysis.  I just can't seem to make a decision to save my life right now.  

Some of it is big stuff, like having lost the motivation to redo my kitchen because I just can't seem to decide what I want to do.  Some of it is small stuff, like the previously mentioned issue of repeatedly not being able to decide what kind of food to bring to parties.  Last week I was trying to set up my fall decor and I felt totally paralyzed, in part because I now have my new desk and I was debating my options for what to put in the upper cabinet.  I figured that the blank slate in a lot of spots in the house, along with pulling out lots of stored generic decor, would help me think through what I have and what might work, but instead it just left me more confused.  With some time to marinate overnight, I did make one decision, and eventually worked through the fall stuff, but the more I thought about that paralysis, the more I realized how common it's become for me.  

Some of it might be practical, like not wanting to waste money or screw up important or expensive things like the kitchen or our vacation.  But even within the big things, there are other smaller struggles.  Part of the kitchen problem is knowing how many people are having issues getting contractors and supplies, and not having the fortitude to deal with that.  With our vacation, everything was last minute because of the weather and COVID concerns, but at the same time, even when I knew things were for sure (or as close as could be), I still struggled to hit the "confirm" button.  I think that's part of the reason I missed out on the Legoland tickets--that even though I knew the discount was probably out of the question, I still put it off because I had anxiety about booking that expensive reservation when there was a tiny chance I could have made it cheaper.  It just overwhelmed me.  And it's a little dumb, because our finances are fine.  I try to be mindful of them, of course, but it shouldn't have made a difference when we were there to go to that park and that hesitation ultimately caused us to miss it.

I also struggle with clothing decisions, committing to events, and choosing presents.  They seem like mostly simple, inconsequential decisions, but I struggle mightily nonetheless.  Even last week when I finally determined I could do a little something for myself after attending my cousin's son's first birthday this weekend (you'll see what soon!), I agonized over booking my reservation and what time I should pick to make sure the party was over but I wasn't going to be driving home too late.  And what if COVID hit before then?  It's almost like I trust nothing and everything's going to change anyway, so why make plans?  But the thing is, while a lot of events have been threatened over the past 18 months, not that many have been totally blown to bits for me to feel this way.  Even our trip ended up mostly unscathed despite an actual, credible threat (Craig's exposure to a positive case) sneaking into the middle of it.  So why am I so hesitant and anxious about things not working out?

I'm sure whatever is causing it isn't too far removed from whatever is sabotaging my evenings when I should be working out but just can't stop playing around on my phone to relax from a long day.  Early in the pandemic, I looked for every possible chance to get out for a run.  Now I can't even motivate myself to get up from a chair, change my clothes, and go down to the basement elliptical.  I feel like I'm out of sync and just mentally spent.  It could be some low level depression, but it's not like I have anything in particular to be sad about or even feel sad.  I just feel...meh.  

The frustrating thing is that this current setup should be the easy one.  I don't have to get up extra early or commute to an office.  I can dress casually and watch TV in passing (it's how I've started coping with the excessive quiet in my house since the kids went to school and Craig went back to the office).  I can put dishes in the dishwasher or change over laundry.  What am I going to do when all those things go away?  Yes, I will generally have the boost of actual humans around me, but how much more tired will I be then?  So what is my problem?

I have no doubt that all the stuff I've read about the stress response is part of it.  They say that the stress response we all had to the pandemic was biologically only supposed to be a short term one--you know, the usual sort of fight or flight thing.  But because the pandemic continued on and our bodies kept having that same response repeatedly over a long period, our systems are all messed up.  So maybe that's part of it, that my brain almost can't tell the difference between the big stuff and little stuff because all it knows anymore is to be on edge.  It wouldn't surprise me at all if this is at the root of a lot of what's happening, just because depression doesn't seem like quite the right fit.  

What concerns me most is that I don't know what will fix it.  A vacation helped a little but I felt right back in the thick of it immediately once we were back.  Sometimes I wonder if a vacation for just Craig and me might be helpful, but that comes with a whole different set of stressors.  I live for fun breaks from the daily monotony, but once those are over I'm either repeatedly looking back at pictures or longing for the next thing.   Maybe seeing people more often will help, as it's the one thing I really haven't been able to try yet--at least not on a daily basis.  Hopefully in a few weeks we can test that theory, but we shall see.  Sometimes I wonder if getting back to that same sort of routine will make it almost like all of this craziness never happened, but I don't know if it will be healing or if it will actually be oddly traumatic because there won't be an opportunity to properly process and mourn before the onslaught of real life takes over again.  Sometimes I wonder if it will gradually get better once gatherings don't feel like a threat, masks aren't necessary, and all of the societal infighting dies down.  When that will be, I have no idea--maybe never--so I think we have to start trying to improve in other areas in the meantime.  In many cases it's an energy thing because I need to have the energy to get out of the house and do things, which is still a struggle no matter how much I know they help.  I'm trying to be more mindful of it all, look for opportunities, and push through to do them.  I'm also trying to be grateful for all we have, because there's a lot, but all these months later, it's clear it's still a one-day-at-a-time process.  Hopefully we'll emerge from this better than ever, but it looks like the road is still going to go on a bit longer, so I guess we'll just hold on for the ride.