The Early Days

Lately I've been thinking back to the early days of parenthood and babyhood.  Between Carter's 10th birthday and two pregnant colleagues who both gave birth early, right around the same time as my three-week-early delivery, it's brought back a lot of memories.  I've tried to think back to what it felt like to be a brand-new parent, or even to remember some of the little details from my experiences as my colleagues prepared for their own first-time experiences.  Most of the time there are two feelings - one is complete overwhelm, and the other is absolute peace.

Having a newborn is amazing.  It's this whole new person you don't know but love intensely.  It's not easy to get to know them, and you're doing it while extremely sleep deprived, but yet it is totally worth it and completely enthralling.  Even though the days and nights feel long, it is an extremely short period of time where they're the tiny little scrunchy frog/alien babies who tuck their legs up high and whose butt nearly fits in your hand.  Before you know it, they're smiling and rolling and hopefully sleeping through.  But those early days are so precious and unique.   

When I think back, what I appreciate most about that period of time is that your main focus in life is to keep your baby alive and happy.  That is your top priority far beyond all else, and it's generally accepted that it's OK to let other things slide for a while.  At a period in my life where the housework feels like a Sisyphean task and wrangling my kids is a daily challenge, having that one sole focus be enough seems downright dreamy.  I know it wasn't always that simple--it was exhausting and nerve-wracking and even terrifying.  Late nights, inconsolable babies, sore boobs, yet another blowout...I know it wasn't easy.  But the mental weight was different and so much simpler in so many ways.  Life feels too complex right now, and I find myself a little jealous of the first-time parents who are in that honeymoon phase of just staring at their baby most of the time, the bonding time of figuring it out together, and where the biggest challenge is getting as much sleep as they can.  

Despite all those wonderful things, my maternity leave with Jacob was hard.  It started awkwardly with a week in the hospital, sleeping only a few hours, and being worried about getting him enough breast milk.  That week sort of ruined me in many ways, and by the time we got home, I think I felt discombobulated trying to figure out his schedule and habits since I hadn't had the natural, consistent bonding time that we should have had in his early days.  On top of it, I was feeling physically better by then and probably didn't get in the habit of just sitting around and focusing on the baby like you would while still sore and tired.  I think I was still nervous about "spoiling" him, so I wanted to let him be if he was laying there content.  I probably felt guilty just sitting around, so I often used that time or naps to clean something up, change over laundry, pay a bill, or try to be otherwise productive with whatever I had gotten behind on while I spent a week hanging out in the hospital.  I was so tired I could barely think, but I had a baby that didn't love napping and it was a crapshoot to pick the best nap to try to sleep myself.  The house was hot and I feel like everything just felt out of sync.  I didn't enjoy that time nearly like I should have.  

I was probably also completely nervous and unsure what I needed to be doing.  Learning everything from scratch with a judgy nurse a few feet away was awkward, and navigating new parenthood around wires and tubes while constantly worried about my baby with a bruised scalp from the vacuum that pulled him out and low oxygen episodes due to the fluid in his lungs, was not the easiest.  But it was still miraculous.  I'll never forget sitting in that nursery behind the curtain in the middle of the night, nursing my tiny baby and studying every detail.  I was still probably in shock, but I was obsessed.  And I just wanted him home healthy...only to still be nervous and tired and unsure what to do with him when we got there.  Craig was working a lot and I was lonely at times, but I didn't want to overstimulate Jacob by playing with him constantly...not that I probably had enough energy anyway.  In contrast, when I was home alone with Carter I savored the peace and quiet and the baby who didn't talk back.  Even with the complexities of figuring out a newborn, it felt simple compared to figuring out how to wrangle my challenging big kid.  I was used to sleep deprivation (mostly) and didn't care as much if I was spoiling the baby by holding him all the time.  I just wanted to rest myself and keep him content.  Little else mattered, and that was okay.  He slept through the TV noise, he chilled out on my lap or the boppy pillow, he nursed a bunch, and somehow that was enough to fill the time until Jacob and Craig came back home, without one hint of loneliness on my part.  Admittedly, having a cell phone by that point probably made a difference because I had constant access to social media and games if the quiet started to get to me, not to mention a camera to take a few pictures whenever the mood struck.  

It was a tale of two maternity leaves, for sure.  And now I think of my two colleagues figuring it out themselves in similarly different scenarios--one with a NICU stay, and the other who headed home within a day or so.  One was over a month early, the other just a couple weeks.  My heart went out to the one who was extra early, not just because she was facing that NICU stint, but also because she left a month of work undone and I know it had been her goal to not do that.  Speaking as someone who stopped into the office on the way to the hospital the first time and had my water break in the office the second time, I can relate.  Nothing really matters once your baby is your priority, but it's still not the way you want to go out--especially when these colleagues have the ability to take an extended maternity leave compared to my paltry seven weeks.  That's a whole other issue--they'll have fully functional infants on the verge of solid foods before they make it back to the office and I was leaving behind my still-wrinkly, sleepy infant with people I didn't even know.  Most of my loose ends could be easily handled or wait a month and a half, but they're gone so long they'll really be relying on others to figure things out.  That extra month early had to be a bummer, one that was no doubt quickly overshadowed by extra early labor and a tiny (but generally healthy) baby.

In many ways I'm a little envious and wish I could jump back in time to get a couple days with my own newborns again to appreciate where we started and how far we've come.  On the other hand, I am so grateful to be past that stage and on to others, even if they feel infinitely more confusing.  But at least I'm a bit more well-rested to figure them out.  The newborn stage is amazing and precious.  But two times was probably just enough for me, and my anxiety these days probably wouldn't let me go through it peacefully again, and my body would be protesting plenty as well.  But I'm grateful for my experiences, both the bad and the good, because they gave me a lot of understanding for what others go through and a lot of perspective on my own diverging experiences.  It's been a hard-fought battle to get to this point, earning my experience points along the way and having the joy now to look back and marvel at how far we've come.  Parenthood can be a little thankless at times, but when you have a moment to realize just how much you've accomplished, it's pretty amazing.  

Finally Playtime Again!

Sunday night we made our return to Strong Museum after more than four years.  The last time we were able to go was for a free night through Jacob's brain study in January 2019.  Carter went on a field trip this past summer, but we hadn't been able to go as a family in years.  It's terrible, I suppose, since Carter is rapidly growing out of the last of his peak years for the museum, but the pandemic and the museum's germy hands-on nature didn't really inspire me to rush back.  They're in the midst of some expansions, too, so I suppose the tendency is to wait until all of the new stuff is open to get more bang for your buck.  But offer me a free visit and I am all over that!  We have done that a few times in the past, both through the brain study and also for special nights courtesy of a company I have an investment through (thanks to my grandma), but those disappeared over the pandemic and I was so excited to finally get an invite to another one!  Even better that it was the night before the first official day of February break!  Unfortunately, Jacob decided to stay home to relax and do some homework.  We told him he was welcome to come, but we were concerned he'd get bored and spend most of the two-and-a-half hours complaining, so we suggested that if he couldn't help himself, he should really stay home. 

This was our first time parking in the new parking ramp (thankfully it was free--it's now another thing that normally needs to be paid for) and coming in the relocated entrance.  Construction is still ongoing and eventually there will be a cool new atrium entrance.  Our first stop was in the storybook area because Carter loved this one spot when he went on his field trip.  It was a detective-themed section with a hidden room you got into through a bookcase, a two-way mirror, a painting with eye holes, and spooky sounds you could trigger from the hidden room.  Then, on our way through to the back of the museum, Carter had to try the sword in the stone!

Our next stop was the pinball room.  It's always a favorite!  I played a couple rounds of Hot Wheels pinball and stunk at the kid-sized-but-challenging Super Mario machine, while Carter did Indiana Jones, The Simpsons, a basketball one, and Tron.

Our next stop was the butterfly exhibit.  While it's not Carter's favorite (and Craig wouldn't even go in), I always like doing it at these events because it's free.  Normally it's an upcharge on an already expensive ticket, so when I don't have to pay, I want to take advantage.  And it's sort of like the zoo--it's always different and you never know what you might see!  I used to be terrified of these sorts of things, but I have apparently desensitized myself over the years...even if they are still a bit buggy!  I no longer have a panic attack, but swoop too close to my head and I can't promise I won't shriek a little!

This lizard cracked me up.  It had that roving eye that always reminds me of the female assistant to the theater manager in "Sing!".  She was a lizard with a fake eye, and that one always seemed to move independently like the real lizard's eyes.

The unimpressed facial expression always amuses me.

I always wander around fruitlessly chasing butterflies for a photo op.  I didn't get all the ones I wanted to, but I did get a couple good ones.

Halfway through the path there was a steel drum.  Carter patiently waited for his turn and promptly realized that notes were labeled on sections of the drum.  He started playing simple songs that he'd learned with his viola.  It was so cool to see him make that connection.

I always like a funky flower.  These looked like raspberries when their petals fell off.

I spent a while chasing down blue morphos but none of them wanted to open their wings so I could take a picture of the vibrant blue inside.  The outside is intricate, but is brown and a little too moth-like for me.  A couple were nicely posed but wouldn't open, and then we saw a girl who randomly had one on her finger.  I just caught it!

This is what the outside looks like.  Amazing, but too insect-y for my tastes.

One more for the road...

I finally gave up and it was back out to check out the rest of the museum.   On the way there, Carter did the photo op where it looks like you're a superhero climbing the building.  It took a couple tries but I think he nailed it!

There was a new Raceway Arcade section in the one hallway.  I swear this area used to have a doorway to the special traveling exhibit space, but now it hosts a bunch of racing video games.  There were some crazy throwbacks that took me right back to the late 80s.  Craig and Carter enjoyed playing Mario Kart!

Guess who won?

While they were playing I checked out a couple other spots toward the former front of the museum that's now closed off to the outside.  They added a ropes course over the Bill Gray's diner that wasn't open but looks fun.  I also stopped by the fish tanks on my way through.  I liked this picture.

And I couldn't help but grab a selfie with the Count on my way back!  I miss going into the Sesame Street area, but thank goodness we didn't--we barely had any time as it was!

In fact, we're outgrowing a lot of the stuff, like the mini Wegmans and some of the climb-and-crawl spaces.  It's a strange feeling, but not entirely terrible.  Big kid stuff is fun, too...just different.  

Upstairs has a bunch of displays featuring older toys.  I was very impressed by this Erector set of a ferris wheel--it was at least a couple feet tall. 

There is a certain sobriety brought on by seeing your childhood toys in a museum.  Barbies, Smurfs, Care Bears, early battery-operated toys that were precursors to handheld video games, my favorite computer game...each case brought back another memory or reminded me I'm just old enough to have my childhood remembered like that in a formal museum setting.  It's a little strange.  But man, was it a great time to grow up!

I thought this Lego Mario was pretty super!

There were also a bunch of video games upstairs, ranging from old school upright games like the arcades of the 80s, to bubble hockey and giant-scale games, and on to free demo games to play with if you didn't want to get tokens (but at least everything was a single 25 cent token).

Craig and Carter loved the Star Wars game.  They didn't quite beat the Death Star, but they did enough to make the Ewoks cheer!

By this point we were running out of time.  We walked into the Toy Hall of Fame section and played with a couple things, and before we knew it, it was just about time to go.  We did a quick run into the crooked room, and this video sort of cracked me up.  It's so hard and disorienting to walk in this wacky space.  And that's why they have pads on the walls!

On our way out, we discovered that the trophy in the winner's circle could actually be picked up.  So of course Carter had to get another picture like this!

It really was fun to finally go back even if we don't get to enjoy a lot of the museum these days--between the time limitation and Carter's age and interests.  Some day we might have to shell out the big bucks to head back for a full day and really explore even the little kid stuff for nostalgia purposes and before Carter completely outgrows things with size limitations!  But I think we'll likely wait until the latest expansion is completed, which I think is supposed to be later this year.  That will include a whole bunch of new video game elements including more of the history and the Video Game Hall of Fame.  There's also supposed to be an outdoor park themed to board games.  I hope with these changes it may allow for some shifts that could make room to bring out more of the old collections - I miss the rows of old dolls and dollhouses, among other things.  I think they used to display things like train sets, too.  They may not be as exciting, but the collections were always impressive and I think it's neat for parents and modern kids to see how things have evolved.  I just love how the museum turns adults right back into kids, whether they're reminiscing upon seeing their toys on display or getting right in there playing with the interactive exhibits.  I saw an older woman on her knees playing with the toy trucks that scoop up the fake rocks, and I definitely put a few pegs in the giant Lite Brite!  It's such a special place, and while I will always enjoy going there, we're getting precariously close to the point where our family enjoyment will officially wane and I'll have to start looking forward to having grandkids to take there to enjoy it all over again.  That can wait, for sure, but having kids rapidly aging out of exhibits makes that vision a bit clearer!  In another 15 years I will definitely be ready for a return visit to the toddler stuff!  But for now, we'll enjoy what we can of these last few years of Carter's childhood and do as much reminiscing for ourselves as we can...and maybe I'll have to take my sweet godson there sooner rather than later!  Anyway, it was a fun trip back, but a solid reminder of how fast time is moving.  It doesn't seem like that long ago that we took Jacob there for the first time...and now kid #2 is almost over it.  How?!  Time is a thief, people.

Not Too Bad After All

So, Carter is 10!  Despite my concerns leading up to this birthday, I think it turned out to be a pretty good one overall, even if there were a couple minor hiccups.  

Before I get to his birthday, we had a pleasant Valentine's Day.  I wasn't going to do much for it since I was planning on making a really nice dinner, but I panicked at lunch time and ran out on a couple errands to pick up some things.  I got Craig a funny Ted Lasso-themed card over the weekend, and ended up supplementing with a couple of his favorite candies.  I got Jacob some Ghirardelli chocolates and enlisted Craig's help to get him some Black Forest gummies he likes, and then I got Carter a bag of Kinder Bueno Minis and a bottle of Starry, the new lemon-lime soda that he found out he really likes and wanted at home.  Simple but fun.  Craig got me roses and a medium-sized Hershey Kiss.  I made the boys a dinner of lobster tails, crab legs, cheddar bay biscuits, broccoli, and garlic mashed potatoes.  The crab legs have a bit of a learning curve to eat and we ended up with a bunch of extras, but overall I think it was a good meal.  It was a pretty low-key day otherwise.  Carter had woken up with a bit of a lower intestinal problem, but he seemed fine after the one round when he got up, and he didn't want to miss his Valentine's party (which he ended up missing anyway due to his viola lesson), so he went to school with a dose of Imodium just to be safe.

Well, on his birthday I woke up feeling a little off, and sure enough, I had the same problem as him, except mine seemed to go on a bit longer.  I had a big event at work so I tried to push through, but even with my own dose of Imodium, I decided around 9:30 that I couldn't risk it.  Good thing, too, because I spent most of the morning resting on the couch trying to work through bouts of nausea and a gurgling stomach.  I didn't feel super horrible or have severe pain, which was good, but it was enough to make me not want to move for a few hours aside from eating a few pieces of gluten-free toast.  I did manage to get Carter a good birthday breakfast before he left--his favorite, egg in a nest.  I felt just good enough by lunch to grab him his favorite meal from Wendy's to drop off at school, since he always asks for a special lunch and we hadn't really done that in a while with the pandemic.  It used to be more fun when we could stay, but I'm glad he enjoyed it.  Craig came home around midday himself because he's had a sinus thing bugging him, and it's his bye week for work so I think he figured he'd give himself a break and rest up.  I spent the rest of the day on the basement couch, hiding from 50mph wind gusts, watching an old movie, and eventually eating some leftover white rice (turns out a little spray butter, salt, and cracked black pepper made it pretty darn good).  Even though the rice settled okay, I knew I probably couldn't make it through Carter's birthday dinner of choice just yet, and since I had another work event the next day that I couldn't miss, I didn't want to risk getting myself even sicker by overdoing it.  So we had his choice of breakfast for dinner (pancake muffins), and I just had an egg, toast, and non-dairy fruit smoothie.  No gurgling after that, so I figured I was in the clear, and I was.  We did his birthday dinner at Red Robin the next night, and it was so good--he had a big burger (none of that kid stuff anymore, apparently!) and his birthday sundae!  I felt bad that it had to wait an extra day, but I don't think he minded spreading it out if it meant I could eat with the rest of the family.  

But back to the birthday itself!  As I had mentioned, I was nervous about his birthday because we didn't have much on his list.  He hadn't been playing much with what he got for Christmas (no surprise) so I wasn't really willing to bring many more toys into the house.  But in the end we cobbled together a good batch of gifts, which he opened up when he got home from school.

Cool kid!

One of the things he opened was a replacement "Roboear" Spybot robot for the one he got at Christmas.  It quickly started having a very loud hum when you were using the ear piece to listen (it's supposed to let you hear things far away if you leave the robot in that room), and fortunately the company sent me a new one.  I wanted to have some extra things for him to open, so I saved it for his birthday!  He also opened a Ted Lasso game that he'd been asking for every time we walked through Target.  Despite the language on the show (nothing he doesn't really hear elsewhere in life, honestly), we've let him watch it since it's a soccer-themed show, and the game was listed as a family game.  It might be fun, and I got it cheap at Walmart at the last minute to bulk things up a little.  Next up was the big one, which he guessed what it was between the size and knowing it was one of the few things he asked for!

It was a soccer net!  It's a big portable one.  It seemed to be the cheapest and easiest to wrangle one I could find.  I'm having some second thoughts but more on why in a bit...

Next up was the one true toy I went out on a limb and got.  I saw this Roller Coaster Challenge game online somewhere, and it reminded me of a couple other toys he's gotten over the years in that it has a bit of a STEM focus.  It has a bunch of cards that tell you how to set up the board and then lists other pieces you need to finish the roller coaster.  You have to figure out where to place each piece to connect the start, end, and any starting pieces in between.  Then you send a mini roller coaster car down the track.  It has a bit of a learning curve but it only took me a few builds to get the hang of it.  Carter mostly just wants to build random stuff, but I think he's going to end up frustrating himself trying to do it on his own.  I'm trying to convince him to do the ones in the challenges since they have been tested to work, even just for a while to get the hang of it.  It's a neat game, though.  Here's one of our successes, the first one with a loop.

I had told Carter that his best gift might be the littlest one.  He didn't believe me, but was excited to open it.  We saved it for the end, of course.  He excitedly opened it, and I figured I'd get it on video...

This was, of course, the season passes I originally meant to give to him at Christmas that got lost in the shuffle, and in the end I'm glad I kept them.  I think it really topped off his birthday.  He's very excited for us to start our season and get there to ride Ride of Steel!  

I had mentioned that there were 50mph winds that day, but I didn't mention that it was also in the upper 60s.  How often do you have a February birthday and go out to play without a jacket on your birthday?  Almost never.  So I sucked it up and collected every bit of energy I could muster to take the soccer net outside, assemble it, and let him play for a few minutes before it got dark.  It was a massive pain to put together, especially in the wind.  It has two sets of tubes that have an elastic cord stringing them together, and they need to be stuck together.  Then you have to thread the net on both pieces and connect them at the bottom corners.  It could have been worse, but it was a challenge because it's so big and the pieces tend to disconnect inside the net sleeve.  You can put them back together, but it's a lot to wrangle.  We'll definitely have to find a way to store it intact all summer.  The boys had fun playing, even though it was getting cooler by then and the net was blowing a bit.

 

Good moves by Jacob!

And a good move by Carter, too!

I'm really struggling to reconcile the fact that Carter is now in double digits and we have no kids left in single digits.  I was looking at pictures of Jacob from when he turned 10, on his second-to-last day of fourth grade, and while in some ways that seems like forever ago (thanks pandemic), I can't get over how much he's changed in those almost five years, which has me a little sad and terrified of how quick that's going to happen to Carter.  He's forever my baby boy, and because we're so close right now, I worry about how him growing up will change that.  It barely seems possible that those peaceful winter months spent on the couch with a tiny baby in my arms was that long ago now.  We've crammed a lot in since then, but ten years is hard to fathom.

Carter's party is still a week away.  We were thinking of having it this weekend since Craig was off, but we had some plans that would have made it hard to cram a party (and the prep) in.  We were hoping to go to NT on Friday to watch my high school team play, just for a sense of comparison, but then Jacob was going to have late practice which turned into a pre-sectional scrimmage against a team a class down that has a couple players Jacob will be playing with in the spring.  Today Carter had a game in the afternoon (another loss...boo) and then we went to the Roberts Wesleyan University game, ironically six years to the day since I went to an amazing concert in that same gym.  We had been thinking about going to a game, but once our NT plan collapsed, I checked the schedule and sure enough they were home.  Jacob always likes seeing college games and the last star player/three-point shooter at his current school (and the son of the /past coach/athletic director/assistant coach) plays there now.  He had a bit of a tough game, but ironically it was a pretty similar scenario to what Jacob is dealing with--a super strong shooter who comes off the bench but barely gets passed to.  His dad even admitted it felt awfully familiar--so it's clear he knows the frustration we feel right now.  We probably have one more year of this if the current coach doesn't get it in his head that he has a good shooter on his hands next year when our best shooter has graduated, but the old coach is supposedly taking back over after that (his youngest plays and is in Jacob's grade), so Jacob's last three years should, in theory, be better.  At least we know he knows how to utilize a shooter.

Tomorrow night we get to make our triumphant return to Strong Museum at the same cool Thrivent event we enjoyed for a few years pre-pandemic, where we go for free and have access to everything without massive crowds.  Carter is excited to show us something he discovered on a field trip last year, and I'm intrigued to see some changes since they started expanding a couple years ago.  It's still a lot to cram into 2-1/2 hours, but it should be fun.  But with all of the plans we had this weekend, cramming in a party seemed unadvisable, so we decided to go with next Sunday.  This week is break week, although I can't really take time off.  Hopefully I can do at least Friday and give myself some mental space for the party prep, though I have a lot to do to make that happen.  Jacob has a sectional game Tuesday, and likely another on Friday.  Carter has next weekend off.  Time is ticking down toward our busy spring--and still not a snowstorm in sight.  Such a weird winter.  Anyway, it was a fun birthday for Carter and I'm hoping 10 treats him well!

TEN!

Dear Carter,

How are you TEN?  I know I ask this sort of question almost every year, but this year it's even crazier because it's a full decade.  You've hit double digits!  It's pretty mind-blowing to know 10 full years have passed since the last time I was pregnant, the last time I gave birth (thank goodness), and the last time I had a newborn baby to snuggle.  Those years have gone by so incredibly fast, despite the challenges we've had along the way.  I can't get over how quickly you went from baby to toddler, then from toddler to Kindergarten, and now all of a sudden your last year of elementary school is in sight.  Admittedly, the pandemic made your K-2 time a bit warped.  You only had one fully normal year in that school, so while it felt like your time there went fast, it was hard to judge because our entire sense of time was messed up and almost half of the time you were there you weren't physically in the school.  But now you're officially halfway through your time at your current school, too, and before I know it you'll be graduating there, too.  I remember how fast it went for Jacob, too, to go from dropping him off on the first day of third grade and seeing those big fifth graders, to picking him up from his last day of fifth and realizing we were done there for a while.  It all happened in the blink of an eye, and it's happening all over again with you.  Only this time it's my baby, and there isn't another kid coming behind you to soften the blow of how fast you're growing up.  

Of course, there are major advantages to the big boy you've become.  There are lots of little kid challenges I haven't minded leaving behind.  Babies and toddlers are tough and tiring, and now that we worked through a few of your behavior issues, this big kid thing feels a little easier to manage on a day-to-day basis.  And even better, we have such a fun time together going on our adventures.  I know the playground era will be winding down soon, but the amusement park era is just getting started.  But I love our nature walks too, and I hope that no matter what tweenhood throws at us, we still keep this bond and you're not embarrassed or annoyed by doing stuff with your mom.  I relish the fact you still give me hugs all the time, and while I know our bedtime snuggles will probably be ending soon, I appreciate that you're still sweet and affectionate.  I will miss that a lot if you go the way of your brother, who hasn't willingly given me a hug in...well, probably since around when you were born, but he was never as affectionate as you and I hope we find a happy medium somewhere between sweetness and awkwardness (haha) as you get older.

We do still need to work on independence a bit.  You're better than your brother at things like putting dirty clothes in the hamper and cleaning up your dishes, and you're good with doing bathroom stuff and bedtime (other than still preferring company as you fall asleep), but we need to work on things like picking out clothes, getting your own snacks and breakfast (though you're getting there with the snacks), and not leaving a mess behind at the table.  And cleaning up...oy.  You are still infamous for leaving random things in random places.  Maybe not bottles, dishes, food packaging, and clothes like your brother, but the random school papers and toys and candy that are left in your wake are still pretty maddening.  It's like your brain switches gears and you drop whatever you're holding right then and there.  "Clean" definitely means different things to you and me (that is one of the few traits you and your brother share), but I guess we just need to work together a bit more to help you understand that it's more than shoving things into a pile in a different part of the room.  We'll get there.

You're also still struggling with voluntarily getting away from screens--you tend to go from your phone (whose screen time limits you complain about weekly) to the Xbox to The Simpsons on a pretty regular rotation while your toys sit waiting.  Yet you're still hesitant to have them packed up despite not using them much.  Maybe you're just a collector at heart and simply like knowing they're there...or maybe we just need some better habits to remind you what's there to play with.  I know how much random creativity is in there--I still have great memories of how you used to play with a little of everything when you were two and we were home together a lot when I wasn't working--and I just wish it came out in that form more often.  I think that level of playing probably takes more effort than your screen-loving ADHD brain wants to put in some days, especially when pieces are scattered or things are buried in piles.  Trust me, I get it--I have much the same relationship with my phone after dinner most days where I just want a little brainless downtime.  But darn you, instant gratification and your dopamine rushes, you're too hard to resist.  I think over the next year we'll have to make some tough decisions with the toy situation, though.  You are definitely growing up! 

In fact, I've been thinking lately that we should get you a desk for your room so you can do homework there in peace, since you tend to find me (and even the most uninteresting TV show) too distracting most of the time when you're at the dining room table.  It'll still need to have storage for the toys that are left, but I think that's one of those big next steps into the big kid era.  We tried it with your brother around this age, but it turns out that a comfy chair and lots of background noise works better for him, which is apparently a known ADHD thing.  I think you seem to be the opposite (shocking, what else is new?) so the desk might be a big help.  And from there we'll get into that toy and room organizing, I hope. 

Speaking of school, you have been a trooper this year.  Last year you had a perfect match for a teacher, and this year...not so much.  Your teacher had such a hard time with you earlier in the year, and you with her, but I think a tweak of your medication (because you grew like a weed over the last year) took the edge off and things have been much better since--not only good behavior recommendations, but amazing scores from your mid-year evaluations.  You're right at grade level for math (which hadn't been that way early in the year), and you're already reading well beyond.  I'm so proud of the hard work you've done despite the teacher situation being challenging this year.  You've also taken on new things with chorus and orchestra, which has meant early mornings and a lot more stuff to remember, and you've done well with it.  I think the jury's still out on how long the orchestra thing will last, but I'm hoping something clicks a little more soon since I know it's been a little slow getting going so far.  But you take such pride in doing well at school and are so responsible with your homework, so you're basically years ahead of your brother on that at this point!

As for your brother, the battles continue because there's just a fundamental difference between how you see the world and live your lives.  For example, it's so frustrating to get your brother to understand your relationship with sports.  In fact, it's probably one of the main things that causes friction between you.  He's always been so focused on sports, and can't fathom a world in which you just like them but don't feel the need to immerse yourself in them.  He sees it as laziness, but you just see them as something you do for fun.  So what if you're not itching to practice all the time?  You're still excited to play soccer again this spring and keep talking about wanting to play it right on through high school.  I think this year will be a make-or-break year, honestly, since next year you would be playing with 13-year-olds and we want to make sure you'll be playing at a high enough level to do that safely and effectively.  Fingers crossed for a good coach that knows how to use you, unlike last year.  Basketball has been interesting--you surprised us by suddenly being one of the best dribblers on your team this year, and while the rest has been a struggle with shots scarce and wins even harder to come by, we're so proud of you for getting out there and playing hard.  We really need to get that "sore loser" thing worked out, but we love watching you play and hope you find your place, whatever sport or activity that happens to be.

You are totally my little wild card--I'm never quite sure what you will say or do, or what you will become, which probably reminds me a lot of myself.  I never felt like I had a clear career path in life or very defined interests (at least until hockey came along), and nowadays, while I generally have the career thing figured out, it's totally different than what I expected and my list of hobbies and interests is still a bit lagging--mostly because you and your brother ARE my hobbies most of the time.  I wish I had advice on that front on how to find your "thing", but I don't because I feel like we just need to fall into it by chance.  I never needed to worry about it with Jacob because he's always been laser focused on where he's going.  So you are providing a unique challenge to guide you through finding your "thing", because even though I went through a similar path, I never quite figured out how to do it better.  It'll come, but for now we just do our best to support whatever your interest is for the moment and see where it goes.

But what stands out to me most from this past year is simply our bond.  It's unlike anything I could have imagined or asked for when the ultrasound tech told us you were a boy.  I could have easily envisioned a strong bond if I was having a girl, but knowing how things had gone with Jacob, I suppose I wasn't confident that things would go much better with you.  But I did pray that God would give me peace with it and I prayed that you would be the exact boy I needed in my life, and sure enough, here you are as my roller coaster and adventure buddy!  I have had so much fun with you over these past couple years checking out playgrounds, nature trails, and now roller coasters.  That time and attention is definitely your love language--you feel so happy and loved when we do those things and have that time together.  I have this whole precious collection of selfies on my phone with just the two of us, which is usually my way to savor that moment and signal to you that I love that we're there together.

Disney was a special favorite and something I will remember forever.  We had so much fun riding as much as we could and staying at the parks long after Dad and Jacob left to cram in all the crazy rides.  I loved sharing every last moment of my birthday--quite literally--with you at Magic Kingdom, making up for what the rain screwed up and experiencing a slightly quieter version of Disney magic well past bedtime!  We battled blisters, the heat, tired feet, rain, and those darn ponchos, but we still had fun because we were doing it together!  It was so amazing having that experience with you.

And we have so many adventures ahead and I can't wait to share those with you, too.  You will find out today that we have season passes for Darien Lake this year, which means you WILL conquer the Ride of Steel (FINALLY--fourth time's a charm, I hope!), even it means we need to go there every single day until we catch it open!  We still need to figure out our Cedar Point plan, which was a must-do this year until we found out that Top Thrill Dragster won't be ready this summer after its overhaul.  While I hope we get to go there a few times in the years ahead, it's just a tough call if we should do it now anyway, or if we should try to fill our summer with other parks in the meantime and plan for 2024 instead, when we'll be able to ride everything.  There's plenty of other options - Waldameer in Erie with their water coaster, Hersheypark, and even Canada's Wonderland, which I sort of forgot about since I haven't been there since I was a teenager, but has vastly improved!  We have so many choices and I can't wait to do as many as possible with you.

When you were a baby and a toddler, you were my little ray of sunshine--you brought joy everywhere you went with just the smile on your face.  Random strangers could see it and it always amazed me.  That bright light dimmed for a while there, but it's back (most of the time, anyway!) and it makes me so happy to have such a sweet, loving, endearing kid.  That last word is a different one, but it sums you up so well--you're just so energetic and lovable and it's clear you want to do the right thing and bring joy to others.  I couldn't have asked for a more loving kid, and I'm so glad you're mine.  And I still can't believe you've been around for ten whole years now!  Happy 10th Birthday Carter!  Our world is a better place with you in it, and we love you so much!

Love, 

Mom

COVID Casual and Other Mind Benders

Lately I've had some random things rolling around in my brain that have boggled it a bit.  So let's discuss, shall we?

What happened to how I dress?  Now that we seem to be exiting the COVID era and firming up our "new normal", it's funny to notice the ways life has changed.  One of the big ones is that my wardrobe has run the gamut, there and back and in between.  Prior to the pandemic, I had my work clothes and my casual clothes.  Even though I could wear jeans to the office, I kept some nicer clothes for variety.  Then during the pandemic when I was home for the better part of 2+ years, my wardrobe got very casual.  I bought a lot of long-sleeve t-shirts (cheap) and those with jeans were my wardrobe most days.  Now that I'm back at the office for three days a week, I feel like I have too many long-sleeve t-shirts to wear them all (but mind you, I wanted the "variety" for the last couple years), but I also feel like my work wardrobe is weird now--like, stuff that I used to wear all the time either feels too fancy or it feels less like my style after almost three years away.  Not that it's not, but I just haven't worn it enough to know for sure because I'm still there infrequently enough that I don't have to go deep in my wardrobe before it feels acceptable to wear a favorite again.  When I'm home, I'm sort of burned out on the long-sleeve tees so I want something different, but again, most other stuff feels too fancy so I feel like I'm repeating a lot of the same stuff.  Additionally, over the last three years I've developed an appreciation for leggings.  I feel strongly about covering my butt when I wear them, so I've had to build up my wardrobe with longer shirts and sweaters.  I got three long hoodie sweatshirt dresses I love at Aldi since last year and a couple other casual tops and work tops, so I can make them work on a regular basis, maybe 2-3 times per week.  The other day I bought these trendy black hightop wedge sneaker booties from Aldi that I definitely wouldn't have felt cool enough for before, but now they seem to work fine.  Who am I?  Add that to the fact I have long hair I swore I wouldn't have again (let alone at 44) and I'm wondering if I'm just having a mid-life crisis or embracing my relative youth while I still have it.  I'm definitely still maintaining a look that's respectable enough for my age, but I can't decide if I really am cooler than my late 20s-to-30-something self, just more comfortable with who I am, or if I'm just plain delusional.  But without the pandemic, I don't think I'd be where I am.

What is with this weather?  Eight years ago we had a stretch where it was below freezing for all but a few hours during an entire month.  It was miserable and cold and snowy.  I was unemployed so my part-time job was shoveling our driveway.  It was brutal.  This year, we've had 21 inches of snow.  Our average for a season is 102.  It's been the weirdest season--particularly because Buffalo hit 100" back in December due to back-to-back lake effect storms that we didn't get.  And if that isn't weird enough, for the next week or two we're going to be in the 40s and 50s, at a time of year where it's usually a long polar freeze.  It's so strange.  I won't go blaming climate change because weird years happen and there are cycles, but it does give me pause.  I shouldn't complain, but Carter really wants to sled and I hate cold rain even more than snow most of the time.  This past week we had a rainstorm that rivaled a summer one--the back of our yard was totally flooded--and it was 54 degrees afterward followed by high winds.  And this week it might get up to 60.  Isn't this March weather?  And why do I feel like the February weather will show up in April?

What am I doing about Carter's birthday?  My baby turns 10 in a few days and I feel completely discombobulated.  We only have a few gifts for him--and one thing is a replacement for a Christmas gift that didn't work, just because he needs more to open.  One that he really wants is just going to make it on time.  Another one he will LOVE, so that's good, but I'm struggling to figure out what else he needs since he barely plays with toys.  I just want him to have a nice stack of gifts, so I'm torn on how to accomplish that without being wasteful.  And we don't have a set date for his party yet either.  I do know what his cake will be, but I haven't figured out the structure or the colors.  Why am I feeling so confused?  I might offer up a slight redo of his room to move it into the next step of big-boyhood, but I'm torn between ordering a desk (with lots of storage) that he can get as a gift vs. and letting him help decide what he wants.  I keep hoping inspiration will strike so I can get him a couple more small things.  We also have to figure out something to do with a few of his friends, but I don't want to do a full party and I need to make sure they can all make it (because it's pointless if they can't).  I suck at this stuff and I just don't have the brainpower for it right now.  

Why is Jacob's coach so infuriating?  It's been another up-and-down week of basketball.  Last Friday, in the middle of miserable frigid cold and blowing snow, Jacob's team played a team that beat them earlier in the season.  They had a chance to win that first game, but fell behind near the end and that was it.  That was the game where Jacob scored his season-high five threes.  That team hadn't lost a regular season game in two years.  They just opened their brand new gym a couple weeks ago.  It's sort of a cool gym with a sunken court.  It reminded me of one I remember going to when my brother played, which was the only one of its kind I had ever seen before going to the Palestra at UR, which is similar but a little less dramatic.  Anyway, we somehow got out to a huge lead and nearly doubled them up at halftime.  It was incredible and bizarre, but we were enjoying it.  Of course, the other team came roaring back, and before you knew it, they had come back from a 20-something point deficit to take the lead, shortly after Jacob got his second three of the game.  The stretch run was super stressful, but Jacob got a huge layup after a half court pass, which helped contribute to the eventual win.  It was so exciting to be the first team to beat them in two years--and they're state-ranked, too!  That team lost two more the following week, so we rattled them enough to start a trend, apparently.  Fast-forward to this week and we played Jacob's old school.  They beat us by about 20 the first time around, in a game where Jacob had only one actual shot and three foul shot points.  This game was intriguing because once again we were doing remarkably well--we led for most of the game, not by much, but it was amazing because this team was also state-ranked and we did so bad last time.  Well, sure enough, the lead evaporated during the nearly two quarters that Jacob sat on the bench.  In fact, he only played about four minutes, all in the second quarter...until the last 30 seconds of the game, when we were down by three.  Of course.  I was so annoyed because a) the coach was barely subbing anyone; b) we had clearly lost momentum and he didn't change the lineup until it was too late; c) the kid playing instead of Jacob was losing the ball all over the place; d) we needed scoring; and e) no one wanted to beat this team more than Jacob.  But he only gave him 30 seconds to come in and try to get a tying three?  What?!  After a couple botched plays, they did finally get him the ball, but by then they were down by four and he missed on a nearly last second shot--which wasn't surprising since he'd been sitting there cold for a halftime and two quarters.  It was so frustrating.  The next game was similar--he didn't change out the lineup soon enough, and when Jacob finally got in, he got a three to give us a one-point lead...only to let them march back down and get one of their own to win.  Sigh.  That was a game we should have won.  Yesterday's game was against a terrible team, but he got to play more and got eight points.  But why this coach can't see his potential (or even how much better he is than the guy who's playing ahead of him--who had one good game and has since been mediocre), I have no idea.  We have one game left before sectionals, and I'm hoping the coach experiments a little since that team seems pretty terrible, and maybe it gives him a reminder of what Jacob can do.  Not likely, but we can hope.

Will Carter's team ever win a game?  Poor Carter.  His first Upward team lost every game except one that they tied.  He then had to wait nearly three years to try to break the streak, and his team lost the first two games.  They had a nice lead in the third one, but it quickly evaporated after halftime.  They tied it in the last minute and managed a tie, and then lost again this week.  He is still desperately wanting to win.  I've determined his team should rely on him way more for bringing the ball up because his dribbling is so much better than almost everyone else.  He's had some defenders that have practically hugged him to hold his arms down, and one that apparently repeatedly punched him in the face (guessing it was an accident, but still), so it's been tough to get open.  He's played some good defense, though, which is good.  But that win is so tough to come by.

How is it February?  Wasn't it just the New Year?  January usually drags and this year it was "blink and you missed it".  Now we're almost halfway through February.  I blame most of that on basketball and work.  Killing time between basketball games keeps things moving, and work has been downright insane--both my boss and I are overwhelmed and tackling so many tasks at once that we can't keep up.  We're trying and doing a heck of a job, as far as I'm concerned, but we have so much more coming up and I'm trying to not even think of the mess I'll be in when I have to travel with Jacob during the busiest month of the year.  But I can't get over how fast the time is already going.  When I realize the school year is half over and we're only six weeks from the technical start of spring (especially since winter never really got here), it's hard to fathom.

Why are my ADHD kids so different from one another?  They may have the same challenging diagnosis, but they couldn't be more different.  Carter gets ready quickly and efficiently so he can play on his phone before he leaves.  Jacob takes forever.  Carter puts such pride in his schoolwork, and Jacob just wants to work the system so his only late work is in the classes that don't lose points.  Both are messy in their own ways--Carter leaves crumbs and toys and papers everywhere, and Jacob leaves bottles and food packaging and clothes.  It makes it very hard to raise them when they're entirely different but both leave the house in various forms of disarray.  Speaking of school stuff, check out the cool thing Carter did for his Haudenosaunee group project at school.  It's a lacrosse field to honor the game's heritage:

The ball goes in the goal and comes out the bottom!

He wrote this paragraph himself.

Probably could have used some finishing touches, but they did a great job.

I got to see this as part of a district-wide event where all sorts of different projects were on display, and sadly, Carter got a nasty bout of gas and/or constipation right before that left him in so much pain he couldn't go.  He begged me to go because he wanted me to see it.  By the time I got home he was feeling much better, but it was so sad he had to miss his moment to show it off after he'd worked so hard and talked about it so much.  Poor kid, but so proud of his hard work.

How are we ever going to get all of this spring travel figured out?  I still don't have the answer to this one and it's driving me nuts.  The next month and a half will be interesting, for sure.

Anyway, busy and slightly confounding times over here these days!  Onward to a special birthday!

Missed Milestones

Back in late December I accidentally let two pretty big milestones pass by without a mention.  My Christmas Eve post marked #2000 for this blog, and on December 27th, the blog officially turned 15!  I'm not quite sure how it's possible, but here we are a decade and a half in with over 2,000 rounds of documenting memories and deep philosophical thoughts.  This started on such a whim, simply wanting somewhere to share updates with out-of-town friends and family and remember the tiny details of pregnancy, and now I've been writing about life and parenthood for nearly a third of my life.  While I never had a planned stopping point, I could never have imagined at the time I'd be doing it all these years later.  These days it's mostly more for myself than others.  I'm so grateful for all of the details I've recorded here, how I can look back and remember lots of little moments or look up milestones whose timing I can't recall.  Parenthood is a massive blur and it's always interesting to read back and remember things I forgot.

I remember doing posts once in a while in the past where I looked at all of the posts from the same time period in previous years and recalled where we were each year previously.  I did that again before writing this post--all 15 years of mid-to-late January--and it blew my mind how many years I had to look through!  What was once a handful of recollections is now more than a dozen, and the variety and the similarities were equally fascinating.  A lot of it made me grateful for the relative lull we have going on right now.  It covered two rounds of baby prep and pregnancy side effects, two funerals (my uncles), two Bills playoff losses (right on time for a third a couple weeks ago), two rounds of first basketball games (one per kid), two surgeries (both Jacob's), one surgery prep (Carter), one round of pregnancy attempt issues (trying for #2), and LOTS of illness--strep, ear infections, colds, stomach bugs.  There were also good things, like two trips to Toronto, our family sledding day a couple years ago, spending time with Carter during my unemployment, and some really adorable pictures and videos of the boys as babies and toddlers.  It's so amazing how many of those posts bring back forgotten details and still-vivid memories, and how it seems nearly impossible that so much time has gone by since those things happened.  I have these two giant children now who bear a mere passing resemblance to those babies.  It's so hard to fathom that we're rapidly approaching the last phase of in-home parenting for one kid, and what started as the early very beginnings of our family's story has now documented so much of it, almost by accident.  

In many ways it's a relief to be past so many of those little kid challenges.  I know most older parents insist that big kid problems are worse than little kid problems, and yes, in retrospect fretting over sippy cups or naps or solid foods seems silly compared to big kid challenges and decisions that can have life-altering impacts.  It may be hard, but I still find myself quite relieved those days are over.  Maybe it's just because adding those complications to anything we deal with now seems like way too much to process, but those days felt so confusing and exhausting and endless, usually made worse by some sort of sleep deprivation.  I remember the desperation some of those posts were written with, and I don't miss that.  I miss those babies, but not the super dependent parts of their babyhood and the endless parade of questions and problems as we navigated early parenthood.  Big kid stuff is hard and complicated (and expensive!), but I still don't think I'd trade it for the little kid stuff again.  Been there, done that, appreciated the experience, and happy to have moved on to "different hard".

I will say that seeing all of those January illness posts is good perspective for now, especially as we navigate a period where someone is sick every other week--but I'll take the endless colds (despite the COVID scares) over stomach bugs, sleep-disrupting ear infections, and strep on repeat any day.  Those were hard days--getting a last minute doctor appointment, struggling through the Wegmans trip to get medication, and then heading back home for dinner and a long night with a sick and cranky kid.  Or the middle-of-the-night puke sessions followed by a work day on two hours of sleep.  Or the agony that was watching Carter's sleep apnea and tonsil surgery, or the uncertainty of Jacob's bone cyst and subsequent leg surgery.  I appreciate those experiences now for the ways they pushed me as a parent, but I am happy they were able to be left in our rear view mirror. 

I'm grateful for the perspective the bad stuff provides, even the painful-to-read posts that remind me just how hard things were.  It takes my breath away to read them sometimes, but it's good to have a reminder that things can and did get better, even if it's still not perfect.  I still get a little sad reading the posts that mention my hope that Jacob would be a good big brother, because that never really did happen and we've lost nearly 10 years of brotherly love that we'll never get back.  There are moments, but I worry my kids will never have the bond I've always wanted them to have because their foundation has always been shaky and competitive at best.  I had so much hope for them, and it's sad that it never worked out.  

But even more than the bad stuff are the memories I've preserved of the good things--the fun trips, cute memories, little captured moments we'd have never remembered otherwise.  Despite all the challenges, there have been enjoyable and rewarding moments, and I love that I can go back and relive them in some form with just a couple clicks.  It's so easy for all of those early phases to become a blur, even with photo evidence--sometimes you just lose the context and forget why that picture was important.  And the more memories you make, I suppose the easier it is for all of them to crowd each other out.  But all I have to do is pick a day and I can go back to a moment I haven't thought about in years.  It's actually a pretty incredible time machine I've made myself.  I had no idea that's what I'd be doing for future me, but if I could, I'd go back and hug myself for doing it.  My parents talk about how me scanning their photo albums was the best gift I could have ever given them, and I feel much the same way about the blog for myself.  The trove of digital photos I have is a huge treasure as well, but I love that this blog gives them context and stories that I might not have remembered otherwise.  Not that my kids would ever care, but if they did wonder about some memory, more than likely it would be here somewhere.  It's a pretty special thing to have.  

I think hitting 15 years just reminds me how fast this has all gone, because I still vaguely remember sitting down to write that first post.  I was a completely different person when this began--newly pregnant and nervous, but naive and oblivious to so much of what the future might hold. Had I known some of the things we'd deal with I'm not sure I'd have had the guts to go through with it.  I don't always like the person I am now--I'm sometimes too angry and jaded and exhausted, to the point of missing the humor or small joys in a situation.  But I'm also stronger and more compassionate and less judgmental.  Having tough kids made me realize that we can only do so much.  We can give it our all and still screw up, or we can be amazing parents and our kids will still make decisions that we can't control or understand.  It's a reminder that everyone has a story, and some are more complicated than others.  Maybe that person in Target really is a terrible parent, but most of the time I remind myself that they're probably not and the kid is probably just having a moment.  Or maybe the parent does suck, but is still doing their best and it's just not working.  This is the hardest gig there is and the least we can do is stop judging one another without knowing where we've all come from.  I don't know that I would have learned that lesson had I not been "that mom" in Target or in the parent-teacher conference over and over again.

So much of this current period of parenthood feels like I have worked so hard to get to this point.  The maturity I feel compared to that new mom I once was, the ease with which I feel like I can give at least some token parenting advice, the relief I feel with being through some of the hard stages...none of it came easily and it feels like a true, hard-fought victory to be at the stage I'm at.  I'm grateful to be past the endless baby gear, the full-on dependent stages, the constant worries of babyproofing, solid foods, food allergies, long crying spells, and thankless exhaustion.  I know I have mentally challenging stages coming, too, but I'm savoring this little plateau I'm at for the moment.  

The days are long but the years are short, as they say, and I've gotten through it all one blog post at a time.  Sometimes it was making memories, sometimes it was therapy.  It was the one place I could always go to talk myself through something, put the frustration into words, get things straight in my head, and get it out of my system so I could stop ruminating.  Sometimes it felt like all I could do to process the hard times and refocus.  I've probably saved myself a lot of years of therapy...although my very clear account of our troubles over the years is probably what convinced me we needed various rounds of therapy in the first place.  We probably still do from time to time, but we're hanging in there about a year after we stopped it.  Have I been too honest at times?  Maybe.  Jacob and I talked about some of what was here a few years ago when an old friend told me I was a terrible parent for being so public about our struggles on Facebook.  (Side note: She became an insta-parent of an almost-teen last year and I'd bet some of her thoughts have changed based on what she posts now!  Sometimes you just need solidarity with other teen parents, no?)  While I'm not sure Jacob fully grasped how in-depth it is, he seemed okay with the honesty and rawness I told him was here.  Maybe my kids will be mortified someday, maybe they'll hate me for things I said in hard moments, but I hope they see how much I loved them and how desperately I wanted to do the right thing.  Motherhood and this blog have both been labors of love in their own ways.  Maybe this blog did go down a path that was too honest and too public (even if almost no one reads it), but I got to various points where I didn't want to sugarcoat (like so much social media) and I wanted to be honest with myself, as well.  If I looked back on this and knew I was lying or covering up, that would feel awful and disingenuous, and render this blog nearly pointless.  So I let it all out, appreciated the emotional outlet, and documented both the struggles and the victories.  I wish there were more of the latter, but I still think we've done pretty darn good considering some of the cards we were dealt.  We're blessed in so many ways, but oh, it's been a white-knuckle ride much of the way.

Most days I still don't feel up to this job.  I was so nervous from the moment I got pregnant, and 15 years later, some days I'm more confused than ever.  But this blog has been a reminder that we make it through.  It makes me look for the joys and see the growth.  It reminds me how fast time goes and how far we've come.  We still have some tough stages ahead, and God willing, I'll blog through those too.  But 15 years and 2,000 posts is one heck of an accomplishment...and a gift to myself I will treasure forever.