Modified Mother's Day

We knew this Mother's Day would be a bit different with all of the social distancing going on, but it was still a bummer to consider that for a second straight holiday we'd miss quality time and tasty food with family.  For me, I hadn't seen my parents in person in about three months, not since Carter's birthday party.  Soon after that party they left on a two-week trip, and once they got back they had bad colds and it was also the early stages of the Coronavirus ramp-up, so I wasn't really eager to visit just in case what they brought back wasn't just a cold.  Craig's family was really the last outside contact we had, for his mom's birthday, on the Sunday of the weekend where everything seemed to happen all at once.  But still, that was nearly two months ago now itself.

On one hand, maybe this was my opportunity to have a Mother's Day for myself.  We've always said that as long as our moms are around, we will defer to them.  And we absolutely have, gladly.  Whenever we can see them and spend part of the day with them, we will.  Last year my mom was traveling, so we had a full day with Craig's family that wrapped up with us listening to a crazy Raptors game on the way home and making it to our TV in time to see the Game 7 last-second, buzzer beating, bouncing shot by Kawhi Leonard that put the Raptors into Round 2 and set the stage for their amazing championship run!  But for the most part we try to split the day as much as possible.  But this year, if we couldn't visit our moms, maybe this was my chance to have my own day for once.  But honestly, there aren't a lot of activities we could do anyway, the weather wasn't great (cold and a bit drizzly), and we have every single other day at home with just the four of us--for two months now, and for the foreseeable future.  I wanted to do something.

Craig was hesitant to go to Buffalo, especially since their Coronavirus situation is so much worse than ours.  However, the plan was to literally stop at both parents' houses and head back home, with no stops in between if we could help it.  We had masks for everyone, just in case of bathroom stops or a snack break.  We stopped at a nearby farm stand on the way out of town to get some flowers, and I was the only one that got out and shopped.  I picked out lovely hanging plants for the moms and a cute planter of pansies for our sister-in-law.  Off to Buffalo we went!  Can I just say how weird it was to be in the van for the first time in two months, and to have all four of us in one vehicle?  I think Carter's only been on one car ride since the first day or two of this quarantine, so it had to be extra odd for him!  Under normal circumstances we'd have been spending every other weekend of the last month driving all over New York for basketball tournaments, so for this to be our first time like that in two months was a bit crazy!

Our first stop at Craig's parents' was pretty short.  I was surprised he didn't do more front porch chatting, but his mom was happy to see him and thankful for the flowers.  She was still in comfy clothes, and I think Craig was hesitant to go inside, so short it was.  One thing we noticed was how jam-packed his parents' street was.  It looked like everyone was having parties!  Maybe that's why Buffalo's counts are so high?!  There was a lot of traffic in general, which was a bit surprising, but it was still odd to see the Galleria Mall and so many other areas completely deserted.

Then we went to my parents' house.  I hadn't even hinted we'd be coming, so I just wanted to do a nice, socially distanced surprise delivery.  I put the flowers and some chocolates I had originally bought for Easter (well-packaged for freshness, thank goodness) on the porch with a card, rang the doorbell, and stood at the bottom of the porch steps.  Both of my parents were thrilled to see me, to the point my dad ran in the house to grab a mask so he could hug me!  Then my mom took it and hugged me, too!  Even though it was a bit chilly, we still chatted out front for about 20 minutes or so.  It was really good to see them, especially since my mom had just had minor knee surgery earlier in the week.  She's getting around well with not a lot of pain, but still some therapy and a lot of patience before she'll be up to full speed again.  They peeked in on the kids in the van and then we wrapped things up to get back home.  We did make a stop at a Tim Hortons drive-thru for snacks, though!

Back at home, my job was to figure out what dinner I wanted to order in.  Unfortunately, most of the main restaurants in consideration were having trouble with their online ordering sites due to high volumes.  I was having a lot of trouble finding anything--particularly when taking into consideration Jacob's limitations--and for whatever reason, the trouble started a downward spiral.  It was a lot of pressure to pick something that worked for everyone and get it done in a timely manner before we were all starving.  And even then, once you add in ordering difficulties and presumably long wait times, it all just seemed impossible.  Before I knew it, nothing sounded good to me, my appetite disappeared, and no option seemed viable.  And yet I didn't want to cook, either--not just because it was "my day" and I had my heart set on not cooking, but also because it would mean completely rearranging my meal plan for the week and that was beyond my comprehension as well at that point.  It wasn't looking good.

Remember in a previous post where I talked about dealing with stress by isolating myself in my bed?  I've decided that's sort of my version of an anxiety attack, or some sort of extra short depressive episode.  When my brain has a plan and things start derailing it, for whatever reason at rare times it must trigger my anxiety in an odd way.  When that happens, it becomes a full derailment, throws all the cars off the track, and I just sort of shut down.  I go over countless scenarios to fix it, but nothing seems to work.  It usually leaves me wallowing in self-pity for a while, feeling helpless to snap out of it.  It feels very much out of my control, and I imagine it's very similar to what people feel in the midst of depression--you want to snap out of it, you want to do better, but nothing seems to make it better and you simply cannot will yourself to do it.  For me, it usually takes a few hours for it to run its course.  Sometimes it finishes when I can finally right myself enough to find a less-desirable but workable solution, but in this case the damage was already done--I botched the rest of our Mother's Day--so I finally just tried to get my mind off it by watching some Fuller House.  So, in the meantime, instead of me picking my choice of a Mother's Day feast and us eating together, Craig eventually had to grab himself and the kids some food (KFC for Carter and Chipotle for him and Jacob--and no, nothing sounded appealing to me), and my dinner ended up being some ice cream and veggie straws around 10pm when I finally felt hungry.  So, no, not the best second half of the day.

I was feeling better yesterday, as I always do after something like this, and I even got my belated gift--a wine glass with a "Friends" theme that says, "Mother's Day 2020 - The One Where They Were Quarantined" (because all the episodes of "Friends", one of our favorite shows, were titled in that way).  While I'm bummed that I messed up our evening, I am thankful that these episodes--whatever they are--are short-lived.  They may be inconvenient, but they don't happen too often.  So far they seem pretty straightforward and end predictably.  It may be good therapist fodder someday, especially if it gets worse.  But let's hope not.  I think this whole quarantine experience must just be weighing on my brain a bit more, and when some sort of scenario makes it a bit more complicated, it just feels far more complex.  Some days I can handle it fine, but for whatever reason, on other days it triggers something that's out of my control.  I know that it helps to plan ahead--hence my dedication to dinner planning recently--and I know that right now is not normal in any way, so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself or make too much of it.  I guess if anyone had to ruin my Mother's Day, I'm glad it was me.  Better luck next year, I guess! 

Longing for Adventure

The other day, my big boss posted in our group work chat about something she did to de-stress, and asked us how we usually deal with stress.  I realized that I have a few different methods:

• Sometimes I eat my feelings, which is a really bad idea right now since I'm mostly stuck in the house.  I've managed to keep my weight in check thus far, probably because I've been more consistent with workouts.  But I baked chocolate crinkles over the weekend and that might be my downfall.  At least I'm still wearing jeans every day, so it should be pretty apparent if I have an issue--assuming I wash them periodically.  
• Sometimes I hide in my room (or as my boss put it, she takes to her bed).  This is usually the "feel sorry for myself, don't see a solution" method of stress management, which really isn't management at all.  It's letting the stress get to me and shutting down.  I don't really want to talk to anyone or do anything.  I will lay in bed, covers over my head if I can, maybe cry silently, and eventually realize that laying there isn't making it much better so I get up and try to be functional.  I hate when it happens, but it tends to be when my anxiety is at its worst, and I suppose it's better than a panic attack.  Our current introverted existence makes something like that pretty easy right now, but that's definitely not a healthy management technique, either.
• My preferred method is getting a little solo time for myself, which usually involves some sort of outing.  Sometimes it's a gratuitous clearance shopping trip at Kohl's, sometimes it's a run, sometimes it's even solo craft time at home (like my diamond painting).  But I mostly prefer little adventures out of the house, like the three trips I took to Highland Park last year (see here, here, and here).  All three of those were so enjoyable in the midst of stressful work weeks, one random health scare, and the usual home stuff.  Even the bike ride I took on a beautiful day last Sunday might count, since I went on a random, exploratory route and ended up in my favorite stretch along the canal.  Either way, pretty scenery and a little quiet time can do wonders for the soul.

Talking about that last bullet really started to make me wistful, not just for last year's park visits but for all of the things that this time of spring usually brings.  Last year we had our crazy trip to Toronto (part 1 and part 2), and for a few years we usually had Jacob's first lacrosse tournament in early June.  We always have a Mother's Day weekend trip to Buffalo, and we usually check out a new playground or two.  Many years we've snuck in a family trip to the Lilac Festival, and I still reminisce about Knighthawk championship trips.  In general spring has just been a time to get out, see the fresh foliage, and take a deep breath of warm air for the first time in months.  And while we've done a bit of that (not enough, thanks to a grumpy Mother Nature), doing it somewhere other than home seems to be a bit more effective.  Seeing something different out in the world just feels better, and this year we have a serious lack of that.  

This is by far my favorite time of year, not just because of the improving weather and the increase in adventures, but because it usually includes those events that signal the approaching end of the school year--Mother's Day muffins, the school district art show, school picnics, field day, and other random year-end things.  Last year Carter had a little class breakfast, and the year before Jacob had a field trip.  I loved this time of year as a kid because we always had a ton of field trips and fun activities like field day and ice cream making outside.  Any excuse to be out of class was awesome.  This year, aside from maybe going to grab the kids' supplies, I'm not sure we'll have that "last day of school" feeling.  Last week I ran through Jacob's old school's parking lot and realized it had been almost a year since the day I picked him up there for the last time.  The speed of a year always shocks me.  I know it will do it again next year when Carter wraps up his third and final year at his current school.  And that's not just the shock of how quickly we'll get there from here, but how quickly we'll get there from Kindergarten orientation, or even Jacob's moving up ceremony five years previous.  So fast.  All of those little events are little markers in time, and we won't really have those this year.  

I fear that this entire period--possibly five or six months by the time we attempt some version of normal--will all be mushed into one big blob when we look back.  As much as it seems like we'll remember the fear, the isolation, and the nothingness this very post is about, I know some of it will be looked back at fondly.  We'll probably romanticize the ample free time, and the lack of early morning wake-ups, rushed dinners, and endless evening activities.  We might remember the simplicity of one grocery trip per week (even if in reality it was stressful as heck), the relative ease of meal planning without time constraints, and how it was sometimes nice having all my birds "safely in the nest" all the time.  But what we won't have are the little milestones or memorable trips that usually punctuate this time.  I'll look back at my pictures and instead see a lot of cell phone photos showing tiny moments in time--comparatively small moments that brightened our otherwise boring days.  

I realized the other day that I'm so out of my usual spring groove that I hadn't even been doing my usual reminiscing about being pregnant with Jacob this time of year.  I didn't even remember the anniversary of my April car accident from that year, or the excitement of my baby showers and parenting classes.  I didn't think about the overwhelming but fun baby gear organization or those last precious weeks as a pair instead of a trio.  I loved the anticipation (most of the time), I loved being pregnant and feeling kicks, and I loved that we had something new and different to be excited about.  Most springs, on those first warm days when sunset suddenly seems so much later, I'm taken back to the evenings where Craig and I would meet for a quick dinner before parenting class, some of our last few unofficial date nights before parenthood.  I miss that time.  But when I finally remembered again the other day, it was probably as long as it's ever taken to pop into my head.  Yes, it was all 12 years ago, so maybe it would be natural to start forgetting, but this year felt different.  

I miss my family and I miss changes in scenery.  I'm worried we're going to miss the best of spring and have to wait a whole extra year to do it again.  I just hope things open up enough that we can still squeeze in some adventures soon.  Summer won't be summer without it.  

Screen Time Survival

We're rapidly approaching two months since our new normal began.  In some ways it's gotten far more comfortable than is probably healthy.  In others it is a daily "Groundhog Day"-style struggle.  But we're healthy, we're mostly employed, and we're muddling through--albeit with too much yelling and battling over schoolwork and WAY too much screen time.

The screens are starting to make me nuts...even for myself.  I stare at one for the better part of my eight-hour workday--mostly since I know the distractions are endless and forcing myself to sit at my desk minimizes them.  I miss being able to get up to go ask a co-worker a work question while I give my eyes a break.  If I get up here, it inevitably leads to 15+ minutes of random housework or kid stuff, so I try to avoid it unless it's absolutely necessary.  I'm also spending way too much time with my phone.  Over the weekend my thumb hurt from holding the phone and using it to scroll.  That's a bad sign.  When I have some spare time, I am trying to speedily get through the first 4-1/2 seasons of Fuller House on Netflix (before the June 2 premiere of the final episodes) and catch up on some of my DVR shows on demand, since Jacob monopolizes the TV with the DVR most of the time now (more on that in a second).  At least I've gotten really resourceful with using my phone as a mini-TV.

Craig is rather Netflix-obsessed, as well.  He usually spends a good chunk of the day watching something, often The Office or some random movie, often while he's working or working out.

Because the weather has been generally awful, screens have taken over for the boys.  Both have online school work to do, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Jacob lacks hobbies despite my frequent requests that he find one (besides basketball), so he's either on his phone looking at YouTube, or on the Xbox.  It used to be that most of his time was spent playing NBA 2K20, but now he's added the dreaded Fortnite to the mix.  His friends were playing that more often, and since he's socially disconnected from school and basketball, it seemed to be the best way to give him some contact with friends.

If that wasn't bad enough, of course Carter had to get in on the act.  By some miracle, it's one of the few things they can play together (mostly) harmoniously.  They even play together with Jacob's friends, which is sort of shocking to me that Jacob would allow it, but somehow it works.  Carter has to play on Craig's phone, however--for multiple reasons mostly involving controlling how much he plays and who he's talking to--so that's not ideal for Craig.  I don't love Carter playing that game, but we're at a level of desperation where we need to keep them busy and if they're getting along doing that, maybe there's hope for something else down the road.  It is cute watching them high five and celebrate when they win a Victory Royale!

Carter is legit obsessed with screens and it's getting really hard to manage.  He will wake up first thing and go find his tablet and play on that until we're up and force him to get dressed and come down for breakfast.  If we don't catch him the second he finishes eating, he will try to run back up and play more until we catch him.  We struggle through a few rounds of school work, which he only gets through so he can be rewarded with a break, at which point he goes back to the tablet until we get back to school or have lunch, depending on our schedules.  He won't come down for lunch until his food is ready on the table--and if it's not, he tries to go back up and play for a few more minutes.  It's incredibly annoying.  Once his school work is done, it's a constant struggle to get him to do anything else.  He would play it 24/7 if we let him, to the exclusion of meals, sleep, and everything else.  If we want him to do other things, we pretty much have to take it away...at which point he complains for a while, eventually plays nicely, and then complains a bit more.  He hates playing alone so when I'm working I can't expect Craig to play with him constantly, and when I'm off there's only so much I can offer.  He's still a terrible loser so games aren't particularly fun, and I'm not so great at the army-guys-in-a-magnetic-tile-fort battles that he does with Craig.  I do better with Hot Wheels tracks and magnetic tile builds and things like that, but he's not usually too into that stuff, particularly if a screen is an option.  Everything else pales in comparison.  It's extremely frustrating.  Oh, and outside time never lasts long because his sore-loser-self usually finds some sort of injustice rather quickly into a basketball game and uses that as an excuse to come back in.  We've found a little success getting him back on his big wheel and bike, but he needs us keeping an eye on him for that stuff, too.  Independent activities are just not his forte.

Carter literally talks about little else outside of Minecraft, Fortnite, other online games, and YouTubers associated with those games.  He's constantly asking questions about what we think is stronger, or would you rather live here or there, or whatever...and it's not the easiest of conversation topics when you don't play.  But it's sort of like Jacob's obsession with sports.  Do you try to make him diversify a bit so people don't think he's nuts, or do you accept that this is his "thing" and try to encourage him?  I wish I had better ways to do the latter option without encouraging the screen time further, though.  I've unsuccessfully tried with some hand-me-down Minecraft books from Jacob and have considered buying school work books with a Minecraft theme, but I fear that might be a waste of money unless I mandate lessons prior to playing.  With the lack of typical school for a solid six months, that's still an option for over the summer.  Maybe someday he'll go be a programmer and it will all be worth it, but right now I'm not sure what to do.

After we all spend the evening mostly doing our own things, it's become a nightly tradition for Craig, Jacob and me to gather in the living room at 9pm for NBA 2K trivia.  I think there are 10 questions, and if you get all of them right, you you split the jackpot of online currency with other winners.  We've won a couple times, usually with small jackpots, but it's a challenge.  After that, Jacob will usually play games while one of us gets Carter in bed, and it's like pulling teeth to get Jacob to go to bed after that.  Usually at 10 or 10:15 we're yelling at him to go to bed, and it usually takes about 15 minutes for him to finish up and/or pull himself away.  Half the time lately he's taking over the bathroom just when I'm ready to get in there to brush my teeth, which is super annoying because it definitely throws off my schedule to get ready for bed.  Because we're tired by that point and have already gotten comfortable in our bedroom, we're usually going to sleep around the same time he is, which minimizes our adult time.  Our DVR is still pretty full as a result.  But if he doesn't play later at night, he misses some of his friends, so it's hard.  And he's doing well with his school work so I'm trying to choose my battles.  Unfortunately, with school ending soon, there's really no end in sight.

I know it sounds simple enough to have limits and force the boys off the devices, but when we're all stuck in this house with a finite number of activities (or at least short on the time/energy to create better ones), it's so hard to limit without the complaints putting you over the edge.  I get tired of listening to myself nag.  Sometimes you just need some quiet alone time, and electronics seem to be the only way to get that.  Nice days are easier, but when you have one kid that wants a screen more than anything else, it's still hard. We're going to have very tough habits to break once this is over.

I'm just so over the screens, for so many reasons.  But we have a very long road ahead, and unfortunately they are a necessary evil right now.  I just wish they weren't also feeling like one more obstacle we need to overcome.

The Verdict

Last night, after waiting for word all day, I found out what one part of the next few months of my life look like.  I will have five weeks of furlough scattered through the next three months.  My first week is in two weeks, then I'll be back for three, off for one, back for one, off for two, back for two, and then off for one.  That takes us to the end of July, at which time it looks like I'll be back to work on a normal schedule because we'll be ramping things up for the start of our year.  Of course, all of this is reliant on this virus cooling its jets by then.  There's no telling what happens if we have another wave, so let's just focus on now, shall we?

While it's a bit of a bummer, particularly because I'm not sure what to think about being on the higher end of the number of weeks (it sounded like our department's range was one to six weeks), not all the news is bad.  Almost everyone from our building is impacted in some way, and in our department, they chose to spread it out as much as they could to minimize the impact to any single person, which was both expected and perfectly fine with me.  All of my weeks fall within the range for federal unemployment, in addition to state, which actually seems to put me at or above what I'd make normally.  I don't know how that all shakes out with taxes or considering I'll still be paying for parking and my health insurance premium for both on and off weeks, but all things considered it could be a lot worse financially.  Of course, that's assuming I can get on unemployment promptly, which has not been the case for countless numbers of people.  I'm hoping that by the time I apply in a couple weeks, most of the logjam and bugs will have been cleared out and it'll be smooth sailing.

I get to keep my health insurance, which is huge, since that was the second thing that freaked me out (after my co-workers' stress levels) when I lost my job five years ago.  I'll also continue to earn vacation, which is good even I'm not using it right now, but it could also lead to a bit of a glut at the end of the year with what I'm allowed to carry over.  Because I'm not fully furloughed, I can also still access my email throughout.  They can't ask me to do any work while I'm off, but realistically I'll probably check in a couple times each week to make sure I'm not missing anything or leaving anyone hanging.  I'm sure there will be backups in place but sometimes you just need to get that stuff taken care of so you don't set yourself up for a bigger mess down the road.  Even during my maternity leaves, I told my colleagues that if there was something I could take care of in minutes that would otherwise take them significantly longer, please contact me because I'd rather save them the agony they would be experiencing due to my absence.  It only happened once, I think, and I was happy to help as a friend.  Since they legally can't share schedules, it will be a little bit of a mess trying to figure out who to contact when, but I guess we'll figure it out.

Since the money isn't a specific concern at this point, I'm just trying to look at this as forced vacation.  I'll get two weeks off while Carter is still in school, which means I can dedicate those weeks to helping him, which I would have liked to do more of since this started.  I'm figuring we might be able to pick a "field trip" or two, do some fun educational stuff, and just try to spice things up from our survival mode bare minimum tasks right now.  One of the weeks I'm off I probably would have taken significant time off anyway, because it's 4th of July week and our one slow week before the books close.  Otherwise, I have off Jacob's birthday week, not that I'll have a party to plan, but at least I'll have options.  The rest of the time will probably just force me to take vacation I always think I should take but never do.  I always worry about getting too far behind at work, or about spending too much money on trips or staycation activities, but then when the kids are back in school in the fall, I always feel bad we didn't do more.  The good news is this will essentially force me to take that time, but the bad news is that activities, travel, and money will all be on the limited side.  Overall, the weeks are decently spread out, which is good for balancing keeping things moving and mental health breaks.  And I still get to work our big Day of Giving plus the important weeks surrounding it, so that was a relief, as well.  I've had to deal with extended time off before, and I actually mostly enjoyed my unemployment five years ago, aside from the stress of finding a job before my severance ran out.  It's rare to get time for yourself--even if this round involves the constant presence of the entire household and the inability to incorporate much activity away from the house--so I'm going to try to appreciate it while it lasts.

The only downside to all of this currently is that it leaves a lot of unknowns for the kids' summer plans.  Usually now would be the time to register for summer camps, but camps don't even know if they'll be able to operate.  Jacob's camp has to wait until late May to make a decision, and that could cause them to lose the counselors they had previously hired, if they choose to find more secure plans.  If that happens, they won't have as many slots available.  Beyond that, I don't know how I'll feel sending either kid off to camp where social distancing will be difficult, since the virus will still be out there.  Based on my furlough schedule and Craig working from home indefinitely due to renovations at his office, we probably wouldn't need any camp until August anyway.  But if we're not clear on our plans until then, will we even have any options left when the time comes?  Then again, maybe we will since everyone's work schedules and income are thrown off and more kids than usual will be home.  On the other hand, the thought of letting them continue these months of unlimited screen time and unstructured time scares me a bit.  Yes, they'll have basketball and the pool to get them outside, but the screens are too tempting, especially for Carter.  I know neither of us has the energy to constantly keep them on a real schedule or deal with the constant complaining when screens aren't an option, so forced structure outside the house might be welcome by then.  But then again...the cost savings would be nice.  Camps cost thousands over those summer weeks, so I won't mind recouping at least some of that.  I'm still hoping that there will be an extension for using the money that was taken out of my paycheck pre-tax for child care, so I don't lose any of it.  If not, I think stopped my withdrawals soon enough that I might be okay if the afterschool program picks up as usual in the fall, but it will cut it close.  Regardless, I'd hate for the kids to not get those social experiences and field trips all summer, but for one summer I think it'll be okay.  Either they'll think it was the best thing ever to have a free summer, or they'll be really ready to go back to some sort of camp next year.  Sadly, this is probably Jacob's last eligible summer for his camp, so he might have free summers from here on out--excluding basketball camp weeks, of course!  Anyway, there's so much in limbo with these issues right now that this is probably what's making me more crazy than anything else.

Even though I've been assured that this has nothing to do with my contributions or value to the organization--to the contrary, they over-emphasized the opposite through this process--I'm still struggling a bit.  Almost everyone is dealing with this, so I know it's not personal.  But then I wonder how my time compares to others, and whether it indicates I'm considered less essential to the team.  Maybe I should just be grateful for my five weeks off, because given the lesser financial burden, maybe I'd be annoyed if other people got more of a break than me.  Who knows?  I am trying not to let these last two weeks feel lame duck-ish, because truly they're not, but it feels weird.  I keep trying to tell myself that it's like preparing to go on vacation, but for some reason I can't make it feel that way yet.  Add in that everything legally has to be sort of secretive, and it just feels awkward around the team.  Our group chat was almost non-existent today, and I wonder if everyone was down, or felt odd not talking about it, or if it was just a randomly quiet day.  It's like this big elephant in the room that we can do nothing about, but due to my personality, I'm left wondering if it's bothering me more than other people.  I'll even out eventually, but this week, it's bugging me.

I'm glad I can plan ahead now, and I'm looking forward to a little time off, even if it's not in the way I'd normally prefer.  There are still so many unknowns, though, so it's just one small piece of a big, complicated puzzle.  I guess I just have to hope for better weather and enthusiastic children so we can make the most of it.

Hope Lost

Today seemed like an ordinary day.  But by late morning, one simple post in my work chat deflated my spirit.  School buildings will officially be closed for the rest of the academic year.  The governor announced it during his daily press conference.  Not that we had much hope that schools would reopen, but the loss of that hope is pretty soul-destroying.  Jacob's school year would have been done in about a month, leaving only about two possible weeks after the previous deadline, so I figured he was done.  And honestly, I'm less worried about him.  He's doing his work mostly on his own (except for a day here or there where it becomes everyone's problem) and seems to be learning new things.  But for Carter, who's still in the midst of learning really foundational stuff, it stinks to be essentially stuck in review mode.  They're not doing a lot of new learning aside from solidifying whatever skills they had already been working on, though maybe that will change a bit now.  But the thought of him not being back in a classroom setting until at least September (and who knows what even that might look like?) is distressing, because he struggles with home learning.

It's not that he's a complete disaster, by any means, but suffice it to say that school is a far better setting for him.  First, he had such a sweet, supportive teacher.  She saved Jacob's entire school experience, and while Carter tended to complain about her more than I expected, I think deep down he liked her.  I hate him missing time with her, because I think she's been good for him.  If nothing else, he went from behind in reading to right on target.  In fact, the other day when he had his first video reading session, he did amazing on his sight words--meaning he officially knew more of them now than he did when he was in school.  He also did very well on the book he read her.  That was comforting given all of the battles we have over his school, because clearly something is sinking in.  Math seems fine, too--as long as he takes his time.  But writing may be the bane of our entire existence right now.  He hates it.  He only has to write two sentences per day, and it is a battle every step of the way.  He doesn't know what to write, he doesn't know how to spell much beyond the basics, and his handwriting is all over the place.  He's not staying in the lines, he doesn't capitalize or space properly, and trying to work him through spelling (or really anything) inevitably leads to him wanting to quit.  No matter how simple or how gentle the guidance, he overreacts and storms off.  Or he gets frustrated and takes his paper somewhere else, only to get distracted and lead us into another battle to get him back on task.  Even though I know he's not the most enthusiastic student in school, I know he doesn't routinely have tantrums with his teacher, so it sucks that we have to deal with it.  And now, any hope I had for one last month of real learning is gone, and this is our semi-permanent reality--not just a stopgap for a couple months, but the solution for a full third of the school year.  And now I feel like there's more pressure to find a way to keep him on track through the summer so things don't get any worse.  But how?

Being out of school nearly six months was once unfathomable.  Now here we are.  Worldwide kids have missed significant school, so how do you even begin to catch all of these kids up?  When the teachers can barely teach what they need to in a year, how do you fit in a bunch of catch-up, too?  And if we're struggling this much, I can't imagine what this looks like in households where parents are busy working outside the home all day, where English isn't the first language, where there are health challenges, or where parents just don't care.  How can those kids ever catch up?  And that's barely even scraping the surface when you start thinking about special education students or other special needs kids who aren't getting the services they need.  Those parents must be completely overwhelmed.

Despite the challenges, I suppose I still come out of this feeling lucky.  We don't have kids in big milestone years.  If this happened last year, Carter would have missed out on the end of Kindergarten and Jacob would have missed out on the end of his beloved elementary school years, including his moving up ceremony.  If this was next year, Carter would miss out on his fun moving up ceremony to his new school and our farewell to his current school would be cut sadly short.  And for those high school and college seniors who are missing out on things like prom, in-person graduations, study abroad opportunities, and all of those amazing "lasts", this has to be devastating.  My prom weekend changed my life in so many ways.  After dreaming about prom for years, I had an amazing night and weekend away with my friends, and I got my first real boyfriend.  It was practically a storybook weekend--I don't think I could have written it better.  And to think I could have missed all of that...ugh.  And if you would have taken away the end of my college experience, I have no idea where my life would have ended up.  The loss of my last months in the dorm with my friends would have been bad enough, but what might have happened if my internship (which led to my job and eventually my marriage) would have been stopped short as well?  It's mind boggling to think of how things might have turned out differently.  

On top of the school stress, I had to sit through an office-wide Zoom meeting today to hear more about possible furlough situations coming up.  Initially the University indicated they would avoid furloughs.  But this has seemingly gone on longer than expected, and last week it came out that the medical center would be starting furloughs.  This week, news came through that the rest of the University needed a 20% salary reduction, so it would be impacting our office as well.  We found out today that they're trying to spread the burden as widely but thinly as they can throughout the organization, so it sounds like nearly everyone will be impacted, but to a lesser degree.  My guess is that we will have partial rolling furloughs, which might mean a week on and a week off.  Unemployment may fill the gaps in between, but given all the problems people have had with the system, I don't look forward to digging into that.  I'm trying not to be too anxious about it, but that probably won't stop me from freaking out early next week when we should find out more.

Part of my struggle with this is that it's bringing back memories of my layoff five years ago.  Even though I was the only person who did certain tasks (or knew how to do them), I was let go.  Clearly the decision-makers didn't seem to care how that might impact clients or colleagues, so I feel history repeating itself as there may be people making decisions about my job without knowing how it could impact what we do as a team.  Not that I'm not expendable (pretty much no one is in a case like this), but my boss is already overloaded (and has a lot of personal stuff to deal with as well) and I worry about the data load on her...not to mention how I'd fare without her if the roles were reversed for a time.  We also have a really big giving day coming up and the thought of being without any of our team is somewhat daunting.  So that was a bit of a blow this week, but I just keep hoping that whatever time I have off I can use to the fullest with the kids, rather than spending all day every day sitting at my computer like I do now.

Beyond  that, I'm starting to worry about making decisions for the kids for summer.  How can we even know what's going to be available, let alone what's going to be safe?  Usually deposits are due around now, but how on earth can we plan anything without knowing what our work situations might look like?  Craig can work from home since his office is under renovation, but who knows how long that might last?  And staffing might be an issue with Jacob's camp since they'll be making decisions so late, so spots might be limited.  Ugh.

I also keep coming back to the fact that we won't have a vaccine for a year and we'll inevitably have to reopen at some point before it's truly safe.  Yet areas that have begun to reopen are seeing new infections.  Heck, even areas that technically aren't reopened (like Buffalo) are seeing rising hospitalization rates again.  I feel confused because all of the untested but presumed cases and now antibody tests indicate more people have been infected than numbers show, and therefore the death rate in healthy adults could be really low--like, around the flu.  But all these deaths have been in a much shorter time than flu season, and these figures are happening despite significant social distancing.  We can't deny that hospitals have seen unprecedented surges and deaths, medical workers are overwhelmed, and this illness is extremely difficult to treat.  So if it's really not much worse than the flu (spoiler: it is), then how is it so bad in some areas?  Areas that aren't bad can thank social distancing for the fact they're not in dire straits like others, but that's still not really a free pass to open up.  Add in increased travel in reopened areas that will bring infections elsewhere, and we're right back to where we were.  It's a mess and it seems like there is no good solution.  And don't give me that, "Just because it's open, it doesn't mean you have to go out," because people subconsciously take their cues from the government and once businesses reopen people won't have the choice to stay on unemployment.  So people will go out and things will get worse.  It's all worrisome and I wonder when we'll ever get back to normal.

For all these reasons I try to stick to one day at a time, but it's getting harder.  For now I just need to focus on having a nice weekend, and leave next week's worries for next week.  God knows there's enough of them.

Absurdities of our Current Reality

I've said it dozens of times that this entire experience is surreal.  That we've been living like this for a month and a half is sort of hard to believe in and of itself.  But here we are.  The curve is flattening but it's not really flat enough.  I've decided that while the goal was to not overwhelm hospitals, which seems to have worked, all these weeks later it's become much clearer than it was when we started that this illness can kill anyone without reason.  Originally we were told that it only killed old people or those with pre-existing conditions.  But now there have been enough healthy younger adults and a handful of kids, and it's leaving those it doesn't kill with a lot of problems--loss of taste and smell, breathing issues, long-lasting fevers, even a case of paralysis.  I know the deaths and the major complications are still pretty rare statistically--particularly when you consider all of the untested cases plus a higher-than-expected return on antibody testing--but it's concerning.  I'd feel terrible if I went back out into the world or sent my kids back to school and any of us got exposed.  I know people keep comparing it to the flu--and some statistics do bring it much closer to flu proportions--and yet we don't shut down during flu season.  But I guess maybe we never thought to do it.  Maybe we should to save tens of thousands of lives every year, but realistically we can't do this every year.  Conversely, shutting down for this seemed like a short term thing--a couple weeks, maybe a month or two--and then back to normal, just like China seemed to do, but it's clear that's not happening here, at least not in the way we planned.  Whether that's for good reason, overkill, or media hype, who knows.  But all I know is that it doesn't appear normalcy will be around for a long time, at least not in New York.  Other parts of the U.S. are starting to open, some against good reason, and I guess we'll see how they do.  But at the same time, Germany canceled Oktoberfest (so sad--I'll miss my webcams), some colleges are talking about remote learning through the fall semester, and fall sports at all levels are currently on the bubble.  So who do you believe?

But anyway, things are starting to feel a little crazy around here.  Well, crazier than usual.  For example:

• I'm letting Jacob (and for a short time Carter) play Fortnite - I hate Fortnite, and really any game that uses guns.  Up until now we'd mostly avoided it, but a lot of Jacob's friends play it and he's pretty much dying for any social interaction he can get.  So he gets to play.  We let Carter play it for a day but realized he somehow ended up talking to random people so that ended pretty quickly.  I find the game super weird and it seems a little too easy for him to get wrapped up in it, so I'm not happy about it, but I guess this is one battle I'm not choosing.
• We got Netflix - We had made it so long without streaming services since cable seemed to be working out just fine, but once this started I knew we needed another diversion and we'd have plenty of time at home to get our money's worth.  Craig brought up getting a free trial of Disney+ and I said I'd be on board to keep it for a month or so.  We did, and I pretty much now hate The Simpsons because it was all anyone was watching and I've lost my sense of humor where Homer is concerned (he's just so dumb and ruins everything, over and over again, and I find myself thinking Marge is just a tad too forgiving).  Then I decided maybe we could get Netflix for a while because they have new Shaun the Sheep episodes and I've been dying to see Fuller House for a while.  It's quite a bit more expensive (two devices), but for now I think we're getting our money's worth.  Adding to the absurdity, I'm actually considering whether we should watch Tiger King, just to feel a tiny bit relevant.  But I think that will piss me off, too.  But I am LOVING Fuller House, one season in!  Nothing like an old-school-style cheesy sitcom to make you happy.
• I am far too excited for our mask deliveries - New York instituted universal masking last week and while I have tried homemade ones (including my extra absurd underwear one), I was irrationally excited when Craig's and mine came in on Friday.  The new one was so much more comfortable for my Wegmans run today.  We even have kids ones coming, but those might be a wait...not that they're going anywhere right now anyway.
• The weather has been terrible - As mild as our winter was, spring has been pretty awful.  We had a couple decent weeks, where it wasn't warm but you could function outside most days, but lately it has been awful.  We had many days in a row with some form of frozen precipitation, and while it didn't stick for long, it was still cold enough to be making that precipitation all day.  Then we had a couple days of wind, which has been a pretty common occurrence over the last six weeks and drives my anxiety up significantly every time.  I guess I just keep waiting for parts of the house to give up every time I hear random noises.  This week's wind wasn't enough to put the hoop away, but I was nervous about it for a solid 48 hours.  The cold, snow, wind, and rain have been making it hard for the kids to do much outside, which means a free-for-all on screen time, and I'm ready to have running as a more frequent option for me.  It's just so disheartening.  Today was forecasted to be nice, in the 50s and sunny, and I was irrationally excited for it.  We had a virtual 5K/fun walk for the childhood cancer organization that Craig has supported through the Knighthawks, and not only did I run over a three miles for the first time since June, I ran 3.5!  It was a bit slow, but it felt pretty good.  Unfortunately, it looks like we're still stuck a solid 10 degrees below average for the foreseeable future.  It's soul-sucking right now since we have so little else to look forward to.
• I have put a sign on my toilet seat - The boys were getting really lazy about lifting up the seat to pee, and therefore I was either wasting extra toilet paper (gasp!) to wipe the seat every time I had to pee (and since I drink about 40 oz. of water during my work day, that's a bunch) or sitting in a mess if I forgot to look.  It was driving me so nuts that I printed out a little rhyming sign and taped it on the top seat.  It's been much better since, and it was essential to maintaining my sanity every couple hours.
• We're resorting to candy to maintain order here - We had a really tough day on Thursday, with super whiny kids (due to school work) and a lot of battling.  It culminated in Carter stabbing Jacob in the arm with a pencil after Jacob was "joking around" with him about his hair looking white (from the sun, I guess?).  Jacob thinks he's joking but Carter is so tired of being put down and bullied that he takes nothing as a joke, which leads to all sorts of misery and fighting.  Craig and I almost couldn't wait for our 3pm therapy, where we determined that taking away electronics probably isn't feasible right now unless we want to listen to hours of boredom claims and risk even more sibling battles just because they're bored and crave stimulation.  No thanks.  So providing access to coveted snacks (and taking it away) and offering up instant gratification rewards seems to be where we're stuck right now.  We'll see how it works, but it seems ridiculous.
• I'm getting 1-2 extra hours of sleep most nights but I am seriously wiped out - I have no idea how I'd be functioning if I still had to get up at 6am, because my 7:30 alarm and 8:00 or 8:30 out of bed time (depending on my shower day) is still leaving me tired.  And no, I'm not staying up crazy late.  It's not necessarily a physical tiredness, although some days I wouldn't mind taking an afternoon nap instead of working.  It seems to be a mental exhaustion, where bringing myself to get out of a chair or go do a task or deal with the dishes for the third time in a day is tiring.  My work is currently pretty monotonous and boring, which doesn't help.  I know I can be more productive but it's just hard to focus.
• I felt like quitting work yesterday - I had a couple disappointing decisions not work in my favor at work yesterday and I spiraled quickly.  I'm extremely frustrated that I just seem stuck in a weird spot at work, and with no promotion or raise in sight, I'm starting to question things.  I know that's mostly just COVID craziness talking because most of the time I'm well-suited to my job, but I feel like any sort of recognition is based on forcing improvements to a program that seems nearly impossible to improve.  All while managing my other programs and doing data for someone who is technically a step above me despite not having the analytical or Excel skills her position actually should necessitate.  Sigh.  Ultimately my brain just can't get in proper work mode at home and it's starting to get frustrating.
• I feel like we're starting to settle too much into new habits - Now that we've been at this for six weeks, I feel like we're forming some new habits that will be hard to break even once this is over, which is weird.  I feel like I'm going to have a lot of trouble busting out of the extreme introvert state I'm in right now.  Before, I was a homebody that longed to have more of a social life that didn't revolve around my kids, but now I feel like I'm just a little too comfy with my evening habits of diamond painting, Netflix, a workout every other night, and some extra TV after the kids are in bed.  I know Carter is going to have a hard time giving up his extra screen time.  I think we're probably all taking for granted the extra down time and time together (when things are going well, at least).  Sleeping in and lazy weekends will be tough to give up.  As much as I'm wishing for adventures and clothes shopping and stress-free Wegmans trips, I feel like I'm getting a case of Stockholm Syndrome every time I appreciate the slower pace and lack of pressure to be doing things.
•  The best thing I bought on my trip to Wegmans - I bought a lot of chocolate and got almost everything else on my list, but the best thing I got today was this:

I hadn't been able to find it anywhere, and yet there it was!  I can make wipes with this when ours run out!

Let's see...what else has been happening?  Carter has been doing more online school stuff for the last couple weeks.  He has a class meeting on Mondays and will now be doing a reading lesson alone with his teacher once a week.  This is him on his first meeting with his class, and you can see the smirk on his face seeing his friends and teacher for the first time.

His teacher is an absolute saint dealing with those kids on calls.  They are crazy and random!

We started playing a new game last week, called Chicken Foot.  I bought a set of dominoes because I had extra money to spend at Kohl's and thought they might come in handy for Carter's math games.  It never hurts to have another family game to try right now, either.  This one is actually pretty simple and we had fun playing...until Carter was losing by too much and then it got a little ugly, but it really wasn't a tough game to pick up.  Craig and Carter also tried setting them up to knock them down in fancy ways, but they only had mixed success...so far.

Carter got a growing octopus in his Easter basket, and we let it soak for over a week.  This was the finished result...

...which then attacked Dad...

This is the comparison between the original packaging and the finished product...

It really got a bit creepy after a while, almost like a giant spider or something.

I got a pleasant surprise on Thursday when my dad's cousin's wife, who lives in our town, messaged me.  She had mentioned when I posted my Polish Easter eggs on Facebook that she had a couple she'd love to give me.  They were venturing out on Thursday and she wanted to drop them off.  I picked these up off my doorknob around lunch...

They're both pretty but I was very excited about the pink one since that's one of the few colors I didn't have.  This week I moved them out of a bowl with Easter grass into my random IKEA LED-lit vase that I got super cheap on clearance years ago.  My Easter stuff is put away but I can't help but leave these out a bit longer with the spring stuff.  I just love them so much.

The last Easter decor to come down was the outside eggs today, since it was the first day warm enough to do it without my fingers freezing off.  Lots of unwrapping strings after all the wind, and working around leaf and flower buds.  Our pear tree is just about to flower, but of course we have a couple more cold, rainy days ahead so it might need to wait.

So, I guess we're managing but some days more than others I feel like I'm cracking up a bit.  I don't do well with limbo and this is pretty much limbo for months on end.  If I take it one day at a time, I'm better.  But part of me needs to look long-term and then it gets hard.  At the very least, I just hope this ends before my relationship with my kids implodes completely.  Too many hours in a day, too many fights to yell at them for, and too many school days to slog through are just not treating us well.  I think we all just need a change of scenery.  Soon.

One Month

Thursday marked one month of work and school at home.  We also got a couple extra weeks added on to our self-isolation that day, making for at least another month of this.  I won't say it's not needed--but it's getting tiring nonetheless. 

Carter's a handful, Jacob is bored, and Craig and I are just exhausted trying to manage them.  I've realized more and more this week that while I don't miss the hustle and bustle of daily life, I do miss the ease of things like shopping at will, seeing friends and family, and not considering it a health risk to go out in public.  It just weighs on me that all of the "normal" things of life that we took for granted are still so far out of our reach.  I truly hope that when we finally get back to regular life (whatever that might look like) that I can appreciate the stuff that used to drive me nuts--the early mornings, the long commute, the busy evenings.  All of that stuff, while exhausting, is what makes up an active life.  You can't have one without the other.  And I do miss the connections that an active life brings, from work and church to the basketball court. 

While I can't say we're making the most of our time together because we have a lot of stressors getting in the way, there is a part of me that appreciates the fact I get to be physically with Craig and the kids more often than normal.  Normally I only have a handful of hours physically in their presence, and right now it's a full-on 12+ hours a day.  Ironically, we operate much better with less time, but I'm trying to appreciate the midday conversations and hugs that wouldn't be happening otherwise.  I appreciate the flexibility of this life, as well, with laundry and dishes during the day, pulling out dinner meat on the same day, and working out at lunch if the weather cooperates.  But I am terribly concerned about the learning and social interaction that the kids are missing out on, and I know I'm not as productive with work and I'm risking sinking deeper into introvert life than I was before--and let's face it, outside of the kids' activities, I had nearly no social life outside of workdays and one night a week at church. 

I'm sad that so many people are suffering, be it financially, emotionally, or due to workplace stress.  This is terribly isolating even with constant social media validation that everyone is doing this and struggling themselves.  But for people who put themselves at risk for their work, who aren't getting a paycheck, or who have serious mental struggles under normal circumstances, my heart just breaks because there is no end in sight.  I'm worried because we're running out of disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizer, and they're still nowhere to be found.  Masks are now mandatory in New York and it's hard to find them anywhere. I'm worried about things finally opening up and more people getting sick--maybe even us.  I'm worried for us because Craig's job is based on an industry that looks to be one of the last to rebound.  There are so many unknowns and I hate living in limbo. 

I realized this week that now that Easter is over, we're essentially out of things to look forward to.  Even Memorial Day might not be that exciting because we can't go anywhere or do anything, and the kids still may not be back to school to truly enjoy the weekend off.  I guess we can look forward to the better weather ahead, but it's still not looking imminent, which is depressing.  We've had snow multiple days over the last week and while it hasn't stuck, it's still been really cold.  It doesn't look like it will improve until at least later this coming week, and even then it's just a bit better, and still below average.  And once it's nicer, where should we go to enjoy it?  Based on last year I loved Highland Park, but that will no doubt be too busy with other people looking for things to do.  Playgrounds are off limits.  Nature hikes aren't received well.  So where can we go that won't be super busy and the kids won't be complaining they're bored?  I have no idea.  What's the point of the better weather aside from the kids playing outside and me getting to go for runs?  Spring and summer are so short and I already see us missing out on the best of it. 

Oddly, at a time when we're hunkering down deeper, other parts of the country are starting to open up.  I think most of it is premature, but I guess we won't know that for a couple more weeks, once all these people run out into the world and the virus starts spreading again.  I understand the need to get the economy moving and help people get their jobs back.  I'm happy for kids who might get real school time and adults who might get to see friends and co-workers.  But I am concerned that they never really got to their curve and will now.  Living in New York, even though our area never saw the degree of infection that New York City did, it's easy to see the impact.  But for areas who socially distanced quickly enough, they may not understand the impact of knowing sick people themselves or hearing stories from friends or front-line workers.  I can see them being extra eager since it seems like it isn't impacting them.  It remains to be seen if it will. 

As I said, New York is still closed for another month, minimum.  We've definitely flattened the curve for now, which is great, but I still find myself hesitant to go out.  Everyone in New York has to wear masks now, which is a pain since they're hard to find but comforting since everyone is trying to protect themselves.  We have some masks on order but in the meantime I have a few shoddily crafted homemade ones (including one from gently used boxer briefs that were in the donate pile--Craig got too skinny for them after limited use, so the fabric was in great shape--and yes, it was clean!  It's all I had and it was mandatory starting yesterday, so what can you do?).  But it's still scary to go out and have to wipe down groceries and wash down after reading mail or opening a delivery.  It's just different.  And I think that's the hard part mentally right now--life was pretty typical seemingly forever, and now it's just different in so many ways.  No school, working from home, so many businesses closed, new rules everywhere you look.  Tonight I drove to pick up some food, and it was my first time out of our town in probably a month.  I drove by our local hospital and my stomach flipped to see the testing tents outside for the first time.  Gas is down below $2 a few towns away.  Shopping plazas are nearly abandoned.  It's creepy and weird and apocalyptic.  But it's comforting that so many people are trying to do their part...until I drive by Wegmans, Lowe's, Target, or Walmart and realize everyone is there.  Sigh. 

Some days it seems like a lot of things could get back to normal in a month or two.  But then I realize how many other things will actually be messed up for the foreseeable future.  When will Jacob's basketball start?  If it does, will we even be able to watch?  Will we feel comfortable traveling?  For Craig, when will the Knighthawks get to play again?  Will school get back in session before it's supposed to be over?  Will they go back in the fall, or will we be having another outbreak?  It just seems like endless unknowns.  That part is hard.

At the same time, I'm trying to appreciate the random good things happening now: extra free time, lower expectations, less personal maintenance, more sleep, fun viral videos from bored people, excuses to spice up life with extra snacks or new games, positive stories about creative connecting or extraordinary support.  If you look hard enough, the good is there.  And if it all ended tomorrow, I'd probably be a little sad about things left undone and the end of a quieter phase of life (because sometimes it isn't so bad).  But at the same time I still desperately want to go back to a somewhat more normal life, like where grocery shopping doesn't give me anxiety and I see real people other than the three other people living in this house. 

We're hanging in there, but literally taking it one day at a time.  That's the only way to manage without being overwhelmed.  So many more things are swirling through my head, but I guess this is enough for now.  To whoever is reading this, I wish you continued health and sanity, as well.