Waiting Weekend

I realized while on my walk the other day that October has been a weird time warp for me.  In some ways it's gone fast and I can't believe we're three-quarters of the way through the month.  But in other ways time has dragged painfully.  Like, yes, it's hard to believe Halloween is next week, but also, I feel like 9 days is still an awful lot of time before that happens.  The weather has also been mostly warm aside from about a five-day stretch of below average cold, and in fact this week we have 70s again.  I assume my mental state and all of this car stuff is the culprit for the dragging.  It's been agonizing in so many ways.  Things are still dragging with the car process.  I'm not picking it up until Wednesday now, which is a bit inconvenient since my rental car went back Monday.  It took until Tuesday to get my settlement approved because the lien removal documents never got sent to me back when I paid it off seven years ago, and Toyota never faxed it to the insurance company the other day like they said they would.  The mailed version showed up faster, believe it or not.  Luckily I have the money in my account to make it work, but what a pain this has been.  And now with one vehicle for a couple days, things have just felt really complicated.

I'm still not happy about driving.  I can do it but I'm really nervous and just don't enjoy it anymore.  The risk of something happening is just all too clear to me.  You can be perfect and still have something happen, so when you haven't been perfect, it just seems like the odds are stacked against you, you know?  I'm trying to be hyper-aware, but then I catch myself momentarily distracted again--not in a way that should cause an accident, just quick stuff--but in my case it did so now I'm stuck in this perfectionist place where I am afraid it will happen again and I have to do everything right.

I was thinking about my past accidents and trying to figure out why this one is harder for me to come back from.  The first one was just a typical bumper-to-bumper in slow traffic one, a stereotypical "accident" for sure.  My car was becoming a money pit by that point, so I suppose I was a little relieved to get an "adult" car that should hold up.  My second and third were both sort of freak accidents with people swerving into my lane on the highway.  My reaction to the swerve maybe wasn't ideal, but both felt sort of like, if I didn't do what I did it could have been worse.  The first one sucked because it was a really bad accident, I was pregnant, and my car was still pretty new and almost paid off.  That one was pretty traumatizing for a long time because of how much worse it could have been, but I think the Christmas season and the prospect of getting ready for Carter's birth helped me move on sooner.  My last one was frustrating for sure, but after an annoying stretch of waiting and being mad at myself, I got my car back intact and could more easily put it behind me and pretend it never happened.  This time, nothing is helping.  Now I have all of that history with three totaled cars, my own stupid mistake, and the knowledge of how quickly a good day can turn bad.  And having a new car will remind me of all of that daily, plus the added pressure of having a new car that's more expensive and fancier than I've ever had, and that there's no room for error now, is just too much.  It's just hanging so heavy over me still, more than two weeks later.  I definitely think I'll need some professional help to move past it this time, because no amount of prayer or rationalization is really helping.  I am forcing myself to drive, of course, but I'm disliking every minute.

What worries me most is that this anxiety has not only taken hold with driving, but it has carried over to everything else--from randomly worrying about forgetting keys or my phone (lots of purse checking currently), or worrying about health stuff or house stuff.  It seems to be seeping into everything, and I know a lot of it is irrational, but I just can't shake it.  For example, I'm all paranoid about this dehumidifier mess.  I really want the company to make it right so I'm trying to hold off on buying another one in case a miracle happens, but I also feel like the borrowed one isn't working right and feel like I need to get that replaced ASAP before we have a bigger issue.  I think it's removing moisture okay, but I don't think the sensor is working right because it almost never stops running, even when the heat is on.  Usually in the winter it runs way less, but during our recent cold spell it didn't stop.  Sometimes you hear it turn off for a second, but it starts right back up.  I guess I worry about it burning out, so I feel like I need to just bite the bullet and buy a new one, but the whole situation is SO frustrating now that it's hard to bring myself to deal with it.  Even outside of that, I just always feel like there's something I should be doing, remembering, fixing, or thinking about and it just fills me with this sense of dread, even if it's not about anything in particular.  It's like when I was worried about Jacob's health, where every moment is heavy, but at least this is mostly minus the instant nausea.  It's not the same weight as something that threatens your people, but it's a weight nonetheless.  

I'm still having trouble sleeping, too.  I keep hoping this is just a hormonal fluctuation and it will go away like it has a couple times in the past, but it's lasting a while this time.  Like clockwork, I will wake up from a deep sleep with a vivid dream about six hours after going to bed, and the rest is a light doze at best.  I'm not uncomfortable or anything, but my brain immediately gets moving no matter how I try to quiet it back down.  So I might doze off for a bit, but inevitably some train of thought or worrying through different scenarios just keeps it a bit too awake so the sleep never lasts long.  I flip over and try again, for however long until my alarm sounds.  I'm wondering if there's a way to mess with my REM cycle in a different way, like with Z-Quil or something, just to trick it into getting back on schedule or at least out of this weird cycle.  I just don't want tiredness to chip away further at whatever sanity I have left.  I really wanted to catch up on sleep this past weekend and it didn't go well.

In other news, Jacob had his stomach test on Friday morning.  He did better with the diet than I was expecting.  He was annoyed for sure, but he wasn't as hangry as I expected by Thursday night when he had his third meal of the day comprised mostly of plain chicken and rice.  He did eat a tremendous amount of food on Friday afterward, though.  We're still waiting on results.  In fact, the whole weekend just felt like I was waiting for something to happen--I don't know if it was particularly expecting something bad, or just hoping for progress on something in my life, or what--but I was constantly on edge just anticipating...anything, or nothing at all.  

We had baseball Saturday morning--Carter did such a good job pitching in the last inning and got on base every at-bat, including a couple nice hits.  After that I did some laundry and grocery shopping and should have been more productive around the house, but I just chose to let myself rest a bit.  I might regret it all week, but it just felt important this time around to watch a show I was bingeing ("Nobody Wants This" on Netflix--heard it was great, I found it cute but a bit agonizing) and make a couple pairs of beaded earrings just because. It's a weird habit but it's cool to see what I can make. We had a nice dinner out together on Saturday night, too.

Sunday we debated doing the pumpkin patch thing, but unfortunately, Craig's meniscus is really bugging him and Jacob is still dealing with a grouchy shin on the heels of his sprained ankle, so they didn't really feel up to it.  So, faced with gorgeous 70 degree weather, Carter and I decided to just go (with their blessing).  I'd like to cram something else in with Jacob later this week, but Craig is starting training camp so I don't know if we'll be able to make it work with all of us.  Carter and I had a great time, as usual.  We were a little worried when we got there because there was a long line just to get in, but it turned out pretty much fine.

Who is this big kid, anyway?

Had to take our wagon ride selfie!

They were celebrating the 75th anniversary of Peanuts, so there were a couple fun photo ops.

The corn maze was also Peanuts themed.  I tried to be festive and consented to doing it, but geez, I still don't know how we got out of there.

Carter really wanted to race the pedal carts.  He had a big lead here but we pretty much ended up tied.

What it looked like in the corn maze, just before we found the exit.  Even looking at the map didn't help much!

The ball throwing was not the same without Jacob there, but Carter had fun doing baseball this time!

Another fun photo op!

We joke about having a pet wallaby, so it was fun to actually see a few.

And of course, what would a visit be without a kangaroo in its preferred nap pose.  This one didn't look as muscular as some I've seen.  

I was hoping to see one they had with a joey, but no luck since they were all napping.  We did the slides and the zip line (always a favorite).  The peacock couple was in the aviary, and if you look close, the male's feathers were so pretty, right down to the tail.

We saw this adorable little pig.

And of course, what would a visit be without an emu portrait.

We ventured over into the little kid area because I mentioned the water pump duck race and Carter wanted to do it.  Of course, only one really worked right.  We still did a timed race!

We got to see the porcupine, too.  Giant quills!

Had to get one more fun photo op of Carter...

...and one more for me!

We measured up to last year--he's definitely taller, but the best measure is his pants these days.  You should have seen how short some of his pants were this fall!

Since we couldn't get a good picture of an awake kangaroo, this had to do!

Before we left Carter wanted to play with the gourds!

We weren't there as long as I expected--long enough to have fun but it seemed like we got through things extra quickly.  I guess he's outgrown a lot, and these days one round of most of the things is enough, compared to a dozen slides when he was little or needing to climb on every little thing.   The extra fun stuff costs more money, and we opted not to do them partly because those lines were long.  It wasn't the same without our full crew, but hopefully next year.  It was nice to get it in, though.

So on through the week we go.  Tomorrow is car day, despite the chaos it's going to cause getting me to work and back so I don't miss a meeting.  Jacob's been all over the place this week, despite our lack of a second car and some evening work meetings, from his usual medical stuff to school basketball shoot-arounds, even though he's still not doing much because of his shin.  And, oh yeah, now he's had a long string of dull headaches to add to his list of symptoms.  It never seems to end, darn it.  And training camp starts this weekend, so Craig will start getting busier as well.  Halloween is next week, and off we'll go toward the holidays.  Geez.  I just need a mental break, somehow, because that just feels like one more massive mountain to climb that I simply don't have the energy for.  But first, one small step tomorrow...

Stuck

I've admittedly felt pretty down since the car accident.  I can't seem to shake feeling stupid and frustrated.  I realized that I have lost trust in myself, which has sent me on a whole other spiral beyond the immediate frustration with the situation I've put myself in.  I was hoping it would get better after a little bit of time, but if anything it probably got worse for at least a week or more, and even now, almost two weeks later, I'm just stuck in a perpetual cycle of shame and sadness and fear that I can't quite figure out how to get out of.  I'm trying, but when that illusion of control is lost, it's hard to recover from sometimes.  And I think on the fringes of all that's happened over the past few months, my system is just sort of ill-equipped to fight it off harder.  I'm tired.

The lack of trust in myself is a tough one.  I try to be a good driver, but clearly accidents happen.  I guess I sort of expected that if something was going to happen, it would be a bit more typical, like one of the areas that usually make me nervous while driving.  I'm constantly worried about things like backing into someone in the chaotic Wegmans parking lot, a slippery snow accident, bumper-to-bumper traffic, or any number of other places or scenarios that feel precarious even on a good day.  I did not have rear-ending someone on a random country road on my driving BINGO card, and the fact that it happened via a very momentary attention lapse now has me questioning everything.  I guess it was quite unlucky as we all have those moments, whether it's simply glancing at the preview of a text you just got, or momentarily looking at the radio or A/C system, or noticing something on the side of the road.  Mine just happened to happen when traffic came to a dead stop moments after a little hill in the road, so clearly bad timing, but how often do we do those things and it's fine?  So knowing I was already really trying to be careful and this still happened, how on earth do I avoid it happening again without making myself a nervous wreck on the road?  I already had trust issues after my last accident when someone swerved into my lane, so I'm constantly trying to avoid being in people's blind spots and staying away from people who almost swerve into other lanes up ahead of me.  Now I'm trying to leave as much space as possible between myself and the car in front of me.  I'm even more nervous because I have no doubt my insurance would drop us if I had another accident, so I'm pretty much having to drive around with zero room for error for the foreseeable future.  It makes driving not fun and definitely not relaxing.  I have been a low-key basket case pretty much every drive I've had to do since the accident, and it sucks.  And knowing I have this much experience and it still happened, combined with the realization that my eldest child will be an inexperienced driver in the not-too-distant future, pretty much makes me full-on crazy.  

My car officially got totaled last Friday.  I spent the whole week on edge every time I got a call from a number I didn't recognize (and it was an abnormally busy week for that).  I finally got a text late in the day Friday on a pre-dinner walk, and it pretty much crushed me for the weekend.  I had a feeling it was coming but I was trying to stay hopeful.  I think it was just a little too old with a little too much mileage to offset the damage, which stinks because that car probably could have driven another 75-100K miles with minimal issues, yet now I have to pay a ton of money for a new one, both up front and monthly for the next six years.  The whole car buying situation is ridiculous compared to the last time I did it.  Admittedly, last time I was pregnant and less than five years removed from the time before that, so I literally bought the newest version of the exact same car I had to keep things as simple as possible.  This time I felt ready for something different, but oh man, have times changed.  Prices are so much higher than last time I bought, the loan rates are ridiculous, and stock is still sketchy post-pandemic.  It's not as bad as during the pandemic, but it's not good.  Then I keep thinking about all of the cars that got flooded out with two straight hurricanes down south and wonder how on earth anyone is going to get a car...especially since there were probably dealerships that got swamped as well.  Anyway, I miss the days of standard 0.9% financing and knowing whatever I want is probably readily available.  

I ended up getting my settlement amount midday Monday, and that helped a tiny bit as it confirmed I'd be able to put a decent amount down to try to bring my payment down.  It was more than I was expecting, to be honest.  I was hopeful it could be in that range, but I really had no idea.  With that and a bit more from savings I hoped we'd be able to get the payment down to a better level, but still far from ideal.  I was also disappointed to realize that dealerships are closed on Sundays.  For people who have Saturday kid activities, Sunday is the one day that has a chunk of shopping time, but unfortunately that weird old law that limited Sunday business operation still somehow stands for dealerships, and I guess it hasn't been fought since banks aren't open anyway and it forces a day off for employees.  But what a pain, especially since evening hours aren't exactly bountiful either.  I ended up taking a half day in the middle of the day Tuesday to shop.  Fortunately one of my target vehicles worked out--I liked the test drive and they managed to work out a good payment--still higher than I'd like but lower than I originally feared.  So it looks like I'll be getting a Subaru Crosstrek!  I looked at a Toyota Corolla Cross, which is another small SUV, but between their higher financing and less availability, it just wouldn't work out.  It's too bad, but maybe it's good I don't have so many decisions to make since I'm terrible at that.

Even still, we're officially going to have to make some budgeting decisions to make this more comfortable, which isn't really something we've had to do before.  I pay a lot of the household bills and my salary offsets that reasonably well most months, but with the rise in grocery prices and the general creep-up of everything else, this is going to officially throw that balance off.  It looks like we're finally going to have to cut the cable cord and then I might shift one bill over to Craig for now.  He had both a car payment and tuition for a while, which he hasn't had for a couple years now, so he's been saving up since and has more leeway to take that on.  But it definitely puts us in a crappy spot because the van is starting to have issues and will probably need to be replaced soon as well, which means two car payments at some point.  Plus we need a new roof and Disney beckons again next year.  I know logic says that maybe Disney will have to wait, but I don't think most people would understand how important it is to Jacob and his very particular mental health, not to mention the family memory thing we've been trying so hard to cultivate since the pandemic.  So that will be hard to postpone without a lot of angst.  But with college on the horizon a couple years down the road, I'm mildly concerned about how on earth we can save up enough to be helpful to Jacob.  It's so hard.  And that's part of the reason why I just can't stop beating myself up for one stupid moment that so negatively impacted our family's financial situation for the foreseeable future.

But even without the car stuff and the mental difficulties surrounding driving, I just feel overwhelmed.  I definitely think it's time to start seeing someone to talk a lot of these things through.  There's just so many things that are weighing heavily on me, from all the trauma of the kids' medical stuff for the last four months, to my general mood, to feeling so overwhelmed by life in general--it's just time.  Everything feels like there's no solution and never going to get better, and I need to fix that.  There's just so much anxiety from the past four months in general, and it has me on edge and exhausted.  I constantly feel like I'm forgetting to do something or second-guessing if I have my keys or my phone.  It's just a constant feeling of fear and worry and foreboding.  I'm struggling to focus at work and I just feel out of it at home.  I know I'm not good company right now and just don't feel like doing much or having fun.  But being alone is hard too, because I'm stuck with all of the negative thoughts creeping in.  I've had to do a lot of walking lately for my work Walktober challenge, and while it feels like it should be a mental health boost (and maybe somehow it still is), I struggle with how to occupy my mind when I'm alone with my thoughts.  Oh, and sleeping is no better.  I've been waking up around 5am pretty much every morning for the last few weeks.  It's so frustrating to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.  Half the time it's because my brain is annoyed it's too close to when my alarm is going off, and the rest of the time my brain immediately works itself into a frenzy over one stressful thing or another.  It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I wake up sometime between 5 and 5:30 and barely doze the rest of the way, even on weekends.  It's not doing my mental health any favors, I'm sure.  I've had this happen before for weeks at a time, and sometimes I think it's a hormonal, peri-menopause thing, so I'm hoping it goes away soon. 

I'm just stuck in a spot right now where I feel like I'm making a solid effort in so many areas of my life, but it's just not good enough.  I've already talked about my driving not being good enough, but it extends so much farther.  I feel like I am constantly cleaning things in my house, but they still end up being constantly messy.  I try to make good meals but inevitably they all seem really repetitive and not particularly exciting or well-received.  I feel like I am constantly moving from task to task, but there's always more waiting.  I feel like we're pretty careful with our money compared to so many other people, and yet everything still feels tight.  I'm tired of dealing with a steady stream of super expensive grocery trips that never seem to get us what we need, and managing every unexpected expense that comes our way.  We're okay in the grand scheme of things--we have savings and it's not really draining, but it feels threatened constantly.  I just dread the thought of digging into our savings for anything, let alone a car, a roof, probably another car, and ideally a kitchen and landscaping overhaul after that.  It just never seems to end, you know?  And never mind the election that's happening in three weeks.  I can't even, because I'm not sure either candidate has the answers, and some of the scenarios are downright scary.

I just had a very rough weekend in particular, and it was made worse by discovering that the replacement dehumidifier for the replacement that didn't work doesn't work either!  I swear I'm not stupid and I swear I'm not doing it wrong.  The outlet works with the original one that's broken as well as the one we're borrowing.  I don't even have to hit the power buttons and they come on, including the one that's the same model as the non-working ones.  The new ones do not work in other outlets either.  The odds seem slim, but I think we must just have a crappy delivery guy who's throwing it around or something.  We were so careful taking it out of the box just in case, and I was SO upset when I plugged the new one in and it did nothing.  Now we have FOUR dehumidifiers that need expensive recycling AND we need to buy a new one because I don't think I'm going through this process again.  I am still going to try to get something back from the company to offset the recycling fees or something, but my first attempt didn't go well and it's so disappointing that the problem is still not solved six months later.

Jacob seems a little better overall on the stomach stuff, but his shin flared up again this week so we've been back on mental health support duty for him.  In addition, I've been completely dreading his SIBO test this week.  We ended up pushing it back a week due to the extensive prep needed.  The pre-test diet is very specific and we needed to figure out how to feed him when it doesn't lend itself to a packed school lunch.  He misses so much school for all of his appointments and this is no exception, so we just needed more time to figure out how to keep him in school and also line up our work schedules to coordinate better.  The diet is pretty sad--plain boiled/baked chicken, boiled eggs, plain white rice, and some select crackers and bread (although the bread situation was too confusing with gluten-free bread so we're skipping that)--all with nothing more than salt and pepper (which he typically doesn't use).  I was miserable on it eight years ago (this week, no less!) so I've been dreading his frustration with it.  I do hope the test gives us a helpful answer after all of the prep that goes into it, but we'll see.

I know that I should be excited to get the car, but I'm just not.  I don't feel like I can put this whole thing behind me because I will have a constant reminder of my screw-up, now with the added bonus of driving around a very expensive vehicle with high anxiety.  Oh, and even the process of offloading my old car has been a debacle.  I had to go grab a couple more things out of it last weekend, and they suggested taking the plates off when I did that.  The front plate came off okay, but the back plate had some sort of weird rubbery screws that the screwdriver just shredded.  I was so annoyed that even that task I couldn't just wrap up.  The collision shop had to take it off for me and I had to pick it up.  Driving away from my car for the last time finally got me teary for the first time in this whole mess.  And then I tried to send my title to the insurance company only to find out that I apparently never got my lien release letter or updated title...or if I did it somehow never made it in my car folder, which seems unlikely to me.  So now I'm playing a waiting game for Toyota Financial to fax the right thing to the insurance guy (real version is coming to me but sooner is better).  If the holdup continues I might have to take a boatload of money out of my account on Tuesday until the new stuff makes it in.  At least there's enough there...but geez.  Apparently picking out the car is the easiest part of this whole thing?  Eeesh.

So...yeah, I'm just not in a great place right now.  I'm praying, I will call for a therapist, but in the short term things are pretty rough.  Mentally and physically I think I need some sort of reset, but I have no idea what that would be right now.  Lord knows time and money are not on my side to make that happen, nor do I want to drive myself anywhere.  Sigh.  I'm just so STUCK.

Amazing Weekend...EXCEPT...

You know how I have this complex now that we can't seem to have a nice trip without something sort of raining on the parade?  Jacob's injuries on our midwest travels last spring, COVID after Cedar Point, COVID before Disney plus a hurricane, all of the health problems before almost every trip this summer.  I had hoped our mostly uneventful Cedar Point trip in August this year broke the curse (although we did have a couple minor hiccups then, too), but apparently not.

Friday started out as such a good day.  We did have a couple appointments for Jacob--he had a PT appointment where I finally scheduled some PT for myself for my bum arm, and then we met with the GI doctor.  She wasn't particularly concerned either, and originally we were just going to continue the omeprazole for a couple more months, but I knew it probably wouldn't keep Jacob content if we didn't have some sort of better action plan.  So at the last minute I asked if it could be a bacterial overgrowth or anything like that, so we scheduled for a breath test and lactose intolerance test Thursday.  That felt better than just waiting around doing the same thing we did most of the summer, at least.  However, it hit me that the diet for the test is pretty complex--or rather, seriously simple to the point that it needs me to be preparing all of his food the entire day before--so we postponed for a week to plan a bit better and make the work situation a little less complicated.  I guess for now we just keep an eye on him and hope for the best. 

I came home from those appointments, packed up, and got ready to leave for my weekend in Binghamton with Heather and Mason that was long overdue.  I hatched a plan the night before to try to hit up Buttermilk Falls outside Ithaca, since I hadn't been there before but had heard good things.  I realized that Taughannock Falls was right on the way so I figured I'd hop off there for five minutes just to run to the observation deck and see what the falls looked like that day.  If you recall, last time I went there it was a giant torrent of water because of crazy rains the night before.  I knew it would be much less this time, but wasn't sure how much less.  Also, fall leaves are really just starting so I didn't have high hopes for that, but I figured keeping expectations low was better than prime fall time when you're expecting amazing and just end up with a bunch of yellows and browns.

My drive was really nice--sunny, pleasant, lovely country roads, and a giant Slurpee.  I did my quick stop-off at Taughannock, which was much busier than it was last time I was there.  I snagged a parking spot and quickly walked to the observation area.  Unfortunately, the sun was so bright that it was hard to get good pictures, particularly since the water was just a trickle compared to my last visit.  

I had to use my real camera to get this shot because the glare was too much for my phone.  The colors were just starting.

I did get to see a large bird (probably a hawk or vulture) flying around, which was cool but very hard to capture with the glare.  

It's blurry up close but at least you can make out the shape here.

I would have loved to go down to the gorge to compare water levels to last time, but I was already running later than I wanted to be.  I left home mostly on time for what I had been planning, but I realized I sort of underestimated how much longer my hike would be than normal walking since I would be taking pictures and appreciating the view.  I could have rushed it at home but after Jacob's appointments I had to finish packing and make some lunch, and I knew Craig was stopping home so I didn't rush out so I could see him.  But then I realized en route that with two stops it might make me later than I planned, so I had to move on and vow to come back another day.  On to Buttermilk further down the road!

Buttermilk ended up pretty incredible.  I wasn't too sure early on because the big waterfall at the base of the gorge trail was barely a trickle as well.  It was a far cry from some of the pictures I had seen before.  The view over the bottom area was still pretty nice.

Crossing a bridge at the bottom of the gorge, from the parking area to the trail.

The waterfall was a bit lackluster...

Looking back down at the base

But as I climbed further up the stairs, it became apparent this would not disappoint.  It was one waterfall after another, after another, and because these were smaller, the water was more concentrated, which meant they were a bit more impressive than the big one.  

Looking back from a bit higher up

The sky above was so blue and even though the foliage hadn't changed much, it still felt pleasantly fall-like.  Looking just off the path I happened to notice this leaf that had perfectly fallen to rest on some stems and the sun was shining through at just the right angle to illuminate it.

This cave-like area was so cool.

It just kept going, winding and twisting through.

Every scene was more beautiful than the last.

Just when I thought it couldn't get cooler, some of the waterfalls had these deep plunge pools beneath them, much like I mostly remember seeing at Watkins Glen.  They were deeper so the water looked blue-green in them, as opposed to the shallower areas where the water was clear and showed the brown rock.  It was so pretty.  

The bridges always add a certain something.

This spot was pretty cool.  The tiered waterfall, a drippy ledge off to the right, and some peeks of the sun as I got closer to the top of the gorge.

Another pool!

This giant rock structure was so interesting.  It was just a single pillar.  I suppose once upon a time maybe it was connected to the gorge wall somehow?  

At the end of the gorge trail, which involved a LOT of stairs and kept my heart rate up almost the whole time, I had to cross a bridge on a main road to head to the rim trail.  The rim trail started out as a nice walk, a very pretty shaded stroll.  I found some fun fungi along the way.  

I was a little disappointed that there were nearly no views of the gorge from there, but it was still a nice path.  As it went on, though, it got steeper and harder to navigate.  It was so sloped in parts that my toes were shoving up into the front of my sneakers and it got uncomfortable.  I wasn't too concerned with falling or anything (although if it was muddier I would have been), but it was definitely a less enjoyable walk down.  

Is pink a fall color?  This felt like pink.

I got back in the car and started my last leg to Endicott, where Heather lives now.  They moved earlier in the summer to a lovely new house that had more room for their family, including her mom who moved to Binghamton a couple years ago to help with Mason.  It just made financial and logical sense for her to move in when the new house had space for her.  I was so excited to see them all and see the house.  I got through Ithaca, and waved to the world's most obnoxious Taco Bell where we had the infamous long wait behind the guy in mushroom gear when we were offered a ridiculous number of waters.  Ithaca is always a little busy and stressful, mostly because of Cornell, and I finally got through and out to the country roads.  And that's when things went a wee bit off course.

To be honest, I'm not even really sure how it happened.  There was a little hill in the road, and shortly after there was a backup of a few cars where one was waiting to turn.  I must have crested the hill, looked away for half a second (not my phone, I swear) and immediately there was a car right there...and I hit it.  Dammit.  That was the most sickening, horrible, is-this-really-happening feeling ever.  I don't want to dwell on this, so here are the highlights:

• The guy I hit was a very nice, calm college student on his way home to New Jersey.  He was very sweet about everything.  His car had some bumper damage, maybe into the wheel well.  It ended up being driveable.
• My car did not fare as well.  It completely exploded the front passenger headlight and crunched up the hood, front grill and passenger side bumper.  It looked worse than it felt.  The trooper thought it was driveable because it wasn't leaking or rubbing but maybe it would have been OK for five minutes, not hours.
• The trooper took forever to get there.  Should have been a sign.  Thankfully I did not get ticketed.
  
• The insurance company set me up for a tow, which after a lot of agonizing I decided to have done back to Rochester.  It was a little outside the radius, but what choice did I have?  I knew where I wanted it fixed so I just had it go back there.
  
• No one seemed to be picking up the tow job, even hours later, so I spent a lot of the next few hours on the side of the road as it was getting dark calling the company to see if I could get an update, during which I figured out they had the start and destination addresses wrong...twice.  I don't know that I've ever spent that much time on hold.  It was extremely frustrating, especially as my phone battery was going down and I wasn't entirely sure how long my car battery would last.
  
• By the time Heather and Peter got there to pick me up, there was still no tow update so I set one up through AAA to the closest garage where the car could at least wait for the final tow back to the collision shop in Rochester.  That took about 40 minutes, at which point the driver told me there's pretty much only one truck on in Ithaca on weekends at any given time, which didn't give me much hope for the Rochester tow.  I was worried because the car had to be left at the shop unlocked with the key under the mat because I had no idea when the next tow truck would get there.  It couldn't go in the drop box because that wouldn't be open until Monday.  I emptied everything out of it so there wasn't really much to steal, but it was stressful in this age of joyriding.  I figured if anything happened I should put it back on the insurance company's crappy setup for finding tow trucks.
  
• Overall it was a pretty miserable four hours on the side of the road, but thankfully I never had to pee and hunger wasn't overwhelming.  I was probably calmer than I expected all things considered, but I was pretty much dying inside.  It was just stressful being SO mad at myself and worrying about the tow and the car and how much I was inconveniencing everyone else and possibly ruining the weekend.  In all the back and forth with Heather and Craig, I got all parties to agree to meet somewhere in the middle on Sunday to get me home.  At least it seemed like we could make a weekend of it, and I guess it was good to have a distraction.
  

We made it back to Heather's probably a little after 9:30.  Mason refused to go to bed until I got there, so he was very happy to see me and give me the house tour.  He went down pretty good after that.  Heather and I stayed up chatting, and somewhere around 11pm I got a text that my car was getting picked up by the same company that picked it up from the road.  Knowing that drivers were scarce, I was a bit confused.  I thought maybe they were taking it back to their own lot or something so it would at least be secure--that after hearing my story, maybe the guy had pity on me and decided to keep it safe for the weekend until he could take it back to Rochester at a better time.  But the next time I checked the tracker, I realized it was up near Cortland, which was way north of us.  That was when I realized it actually was going back to Rochester right then and there!  I'm not sure how it happened but it did.  Unfortunately I'll probably get dinged for quite a few more overage miles because of that route, but that was the quickest and safest route for a truck like that, so I understand it.  Funny story--I got a cell phone call during dinner on Monday from another tow truck driver from the same company who was looking for me on that route!  I didn't get any further notifications that someone had been dispatched (again), but apparently it was somehow still stuck in their system.  I guess that was probably good news he didn't need to go all the way to Rochester (apparently he just came back from here), but I felt bad that he'd been looking for me.  Anyway, it took me forever to get to sleep Friday night just replaying the entire mess in my head, but once I did I slept pretty well, though it wasn't really long enough at that point.

One other bummer to the weekend was the revelation that Heather's mom has bone cancer.  It's one that doesn't necessarily have a cure but hopes to put her into remission long-term.  She is 80, so I suppose that's a little different than someone much younger, but at least the chemo side effects don't seem as taxing as some.  It's still pretty crushing, because her mom is seriously one of the best humans I know.  She doesn't act her age at all, so it's very easy to forget how old she is.  She's been through so much in her life and yet is so strong and so positive.  She felt bad because she came to live with them to help with Mason and this will make that hard, but now it's good she's there because they can help her.  It was all meant to be.  I'm hopeful things will go well, but that was definitely not good news.

Otherwise, Saturday was a nice day.  We started out with some French toast, and then we spent some time playing before going outside to check out the lovely hillside view and giving Mason some playtime.  I took this weird but cool picture of Mason and his Grammy.  I wish it would have focused on them, but bubbles pop quickly and kids move fast, so this was the best I could get.  And then it was time for lunch, so the opportunity had passed!

After lunch we went to a pumpkin patch!  It was a nice mid-sized one, lots of activities but not overwhelmingly large.  It had a lot of good stuff for little kids like Mason, like inflatables, a straw crawl, a corn box, a little train, and lots of things to see.  It also had bigger kid stuff like zip lines and a cool playground area with stand-up swings, hamster wheels, and a little go-kart type track.  There was a speed pitch, pumpkin painting, snacks and a gift shop, as well as a hayride.

Pirate ship slide!

I'm not sure what Mason liked more, this cart of skeletons, or the inflatables where he spent a good chunk of the day--he loved both a slide and a bounce house.

They had a bunch of pumpkin people, including these Peanuts people.

Mason also loved the corn box and the straw crawl.  He said the straw crawl was like Chutes and Ladders because they had slides off some of the hay bales.  He played in the corn and with a small inflatable slide for quite a while.

He took a little train ride, which he said gave him a headache because it was bumpy.

They also had a bunch of hay bale sculptures.  A lot were animals...

...but this one cracked me up.

During Mason's last run in the bounce house, he bounced himself out of the house and landed on his mouth, causing it to bleed.  I forgot how much I hate mouth injuries because you can never tell where the blood is coming from!  He cried for a minute and we wiped him up a bit, and then he was right back at it, of course!

We grabbed a snack since we suspected Mason might need a second wind, and then we headed off to the hayride.  It was nice and not too bumpy, and we went past this gorgeous field of sunflowers.

We then exchanged Mason photos!

Somehow he did not fall asleep on the way home (thank you, kettle corn), and we spent a good chunk of the rest of the day waiting for the big crash!  He wasn't too interested in dinner, but otherwise, he survived until bedtime!  

I haven't even gotten into my time with him.  He was so happy to see me and I got a lot of hugs and "I love yous" over the course of the weekend.  Toddlers can be so great like that.  I am definitely getting too old for the random, sudden tantrums (ha) but overall he's a really good kid.  And holy cow, SO smart!  He has a brain that is all sponge, apparently, but it is nurtured by good parents and diligent babysitters.  For example, he's not even four and is super into the periodic table of elements.  He knows their names and knows how to set up the table with a pack of flashcards he has.  In true toddler fashion he got bored with it before he was done, but what he did do was incredible.  He's also really into maps.  He loves Google Maps and knows all the streets.  He's a human GPS in the car.  He knows where the car is, what street you're on and what intersection you're at.  He has a bunch of homemade street signs at home (play-doh, straws, and paper signs) that represent their town's intersections.  He's also really into countries.  He knows flags and where almost every country is (maybe he knows them all, because I didn't see him miss pointing out one on his bedroom rug that's a world map--he was spot on when Heather mentioned I went to the Dominican Republic!).  It was incredible to see him do all these things all weekend.  I brought along a set of sight word flashcards, and he knew almost all of them already!  Even if he didn't know the word, he got close.  It got a little more complex with the sample sentences on the back of them, so maybe those will be helpful, but he's way ahead of the curve there!

We once again enjoyed our time chatting and playing for the rest of the day.  I had brought a toy and a book from my stash of the boys' stuff.  He had fun putting the sports uniforms on the Melissa and Doug magnetic guy, Jack, and he liked being tickled as we read the Tickle Monster book.  Later in the day I got the report from the boys after Carter's baseball game.  He actually made his pitching debut, which sadly wasn't as successful as we hoped, but also not really any worse than most of the previous week's pitchers.  I also got texted a picture of my car (and Carter) "saying hi" because the boys stopped at the collision place to see it.  Lovely.  That night I once again didn't sleep as well as I wanted to, but it was better.  

Sunday morning we woke up to crazy fog and temperatures in the 40s.  Luckily it warmed up by the time we walked back out of church, because my dress was picked out for 70 degree temps later in the day and felt a bit out of season before that!  Mason got a little antsy as church started, wanting to play and have a snack, but sometime during the first song or two he wanted me to pick him up.  I held him, and he seemed pretty content.  Well, I don't know if my habitual mom swaying/rocking did it, but before we knew it, I could feel him being much heavier, and sure enough, he was OUT.  I guess it was a much more exciting weekend than usual and that was his moment to catch up!  He slept on me almost the entire service, right up until we were up at communion.  He was a much happier boy after that, especially because they had cookies!

We had pizza and wings for lunch from their favorite local place (all very good) as the Bills' game was starting.  That game was a bust, unfortunately, but luckily we saw the comeback part of the game and missed the last second loss part because we were on our way to Corning by then.  We headed out mid-afternoon to meet Craig there to make the big exchange.  It was a little over an hour for them, and about 1:40 for Craig.  I figured that was the same as going to his parents', so he was used to it.  It was bittersweet leaving, and Mason cried big tears when I was saying goodbye.  Luckily they found a nearby playground and did McDonald's on their way home, which helped!  We ran into a doozy of a thunderstorm just as we got back to Greece, but saw some pretty good lightning along the way.  Anyway, it had been a really great weekend despite the circumstances, and I was thankful for the opportunity.

It's obviously been a little rough getting back home and facing the music.  I had to wait an extra day to get the rental car, and the estimate for my car is pretty high for an older car so I'm nervous it will get totaled.  That stinks, because the replacement value is so much higher than it used to be and most used cars I see anywhere are way higher than the blue book value seems to indicate, so the whole system seems way more annoying than it was last time.  We'll see.  Mentally I'm struggling a bit.  I don't really want to drive because I don't trust myself now.  I try so hard to be a good driver and pay attention, not be on my phone and all that, and yet one off moment led to this.  I know that I drive a lot, all things considered, and things just happen.  I know the odds are still slim, but four accidents now is pretty bad and I'm starting to question what I'm doing wrong.  I'm just really discouraged about the whole thing.  I'm dreading the rental car for the next couple weeks and even more worried if I have to go through the car buying process and adjust to a new one again (and, as a side note, that will mean starting the endless, dreaded process of converting my CDs as most cars don't have CD players anymore).  

But, at the same time, I've been spending more than a week watching utter devastation down south, from the Gulf Coast of Florida up through North Carolina where my aunt and uncle are.  The loss of life and property is crushing.  Entire towns have been wiped off the map.  And now another massive hurricane is hitting the same area of Florida later this week.  The same areas that had started to recover are doomed again, this time with lots of debris still sitting out in the streets to be floating obstacles and wind projectiles.  It's terrifying.  Disney is closing, too, as it's going to get a pretty direct hit.  Craig's cousin, our flower girl, was supposed to be there with her family this week, so that was sad that they had to postpone for almost six months.  I can't even imagine everything that those folks down south are dealing with, so it makes my little car problem look not so bad.  And truly, I was pretty lucky--I wasn't hurt, the other person wasn't hurt, it was just the two cars, and the other one wasn't as bad.  I had good luck with the tow truck (in the end) and good friend support to not only get to my destination, but also have a really great weekend and also get me halfway home.  And of course I have a good husband to come get me and not give me any grief about it.  I'm not excited about the financial prospects of it all, but it's not going to devastate us.  It'll be a sizable hit--one scenario bigger than the other--but we'll be okay.  So how much can I really pity myself?  The mental toll is something I have to deal with, but in the end I'm so fortunate.  But I'm also oddly bummed that my amazing hike on Friday and what was otherwise a lovely weekend with wonderful people feels a bit dragged down by one stupid mistake.  I love those gorge pictures, but I'm not sure I can put one on my phone because the constant reminder of what happened right after sucks.  It took me a day to even look at my pictures and a couple days to post about the weekend on social media (in part because I needed to tell my parents first and that took an extra day), just because I didn't want to think about what happened.  It just weighs heavily and I'm so tired of being weighed down, you know?  UGH.

Breathing Room

So today ended up being ER day after all.  Jacob got to a point last night where he just couldn't take it anymore--and neither could I, which led to another argument about me being a "Debbie Downer".  I just feel like I'm being a realist, and like I said, it felt like a very real possibility that there was something bigger behind all of these random ailments.  But the mere mention of that, of being afraid what testing might show, of wanting Jacob to mentally prepare that it might not be the simple resolution he was expecting, got me on everyone's sh** list.  

I get it, I should do better at controlling that stuff...but also, it's been a long three months and the constant stress of one kid or another having weird symptoms and potentially being really sick has just gotten to me.  I apparently hit a breaking point and couldn't just keep things inside or ignore them anymore, or pretend there wasn't a real risk here.

So, after a late night of Craig trying to talk him down so he could sleep, this morning Jacob and Craig went to the ER.  It ended up being a most-of-the-day affair.  But eventually he got some scans of his torso--his lungs, heart, and abdomen.  And everything was (mostly) fine.  Thank God.  He does have a lot of poop up in his system for some reason, even though he doesn't feel constipated, so we need to work on that a bit.  I'm not sure why that would be happening, and at least it's not a blockage, but maybe that's not helping.  More than likely the reflux is causing some of the other issues, and again, that's good to know but also not ideal because I don't know what else we do to help him if the reflux meds aren't enough.  He seems to have a good number of trigger foods so it's hard to avoid all of them.  We have the GI appointment on Friday so I guess we'll talk through things with them.  Hopefully we can get a look at his system somehow to see what else can be improved, or maybe plan to test for a couple more things, like the bacterial overgrowth.  Now that I think of it, maybe he has leaky gut or something, because that can cause some aches and pains, too.  Hmmm.

The next step in my mind is to look for an immunologist, rheumatologist, or someone who can sort of monitor what his body is doing and be on the lookout for anything else in the autoimmune realm that could be enhancing his issues in some way.  That was never recommended to us when he was diagnosed, but I think that was because he was young and the Celiac diet should be able to manage his disease.  But if things are evolving and his body is reacting to something else, there may be a reason for that and I'd like to understand it.  And I have a feeling a doctor like that would be our best bet because they've probably seen a little bit of everything.  

But, for now, we get a little relief that nothing seems to be life-threatening or imminently dangerous.  That revelation made it feel like I could breathe for the first time in weeks, and it felt like a literal weight off my chest.  The overwhelming, underlying dread lifted...maybe not entirely, but significantly.  I can't quite describe how different my body felt this afternoon.  I can't say it will last a long time, especially if he starts complaining of new or worsening symptoms, but for now, it's a huge relief.

It's a dodged bullet and I'm so thankful, but yet again today my heart broke for my friend whose daughter got diagnosed with pneumonia in the midst of her treatment.  She had a little cold and couldn't go in for her monthly antibiotic that helps prevent pneumonia, and boom, there it is.  She's already a week into a 28-day immunotherapy treatment where she needs to be accessed with a giant needle 24/7, so to add this is just torture.  That world felt all too possible over these last couple weeks, and while it's not impossible we could end up back there, this felt like a big step away from that.  We still have a road ahead, but I'm so thankful for a break from the biggest worries for now.

At a Loss

I've been struggling to figure out what to write here this week.  The weekend was mostly uneventful as I worked all day Saturday and spent most of Sunday just catching up on things, and life has otherwise just been...a struggle.  I'll get into that momentarily.  But on Sunday I wanted to get as much of the timely stuff done as I could because I'm planning to be gone next weekend and know that anything that didn't get done might be waiting, and in some cases that wasn't ideal.  For example, some bushes needed trimming and who knows what the weather might be like two weekends from now.  I wanted to go to the pumpkin farm--not our big Stokoe day, although that would have been good aside from Craig and Jacob having injuries holding them back--but the one where I get my porch pumpkins, because otherwise we'd be halfway through October by the time I went.  I also want to get my Halloween decorations up this week sometime.  I usually put up fall first, but then I'm dragging the bin back up 10 days later for Halloween.  It's probably a waste of time to get one setup done for fall and then have to rearrange for the Halloween stuff, but mid-September feels too early for witches and jack o'lanterns, you know?  Anyway, I got done what I could...but still more on the list to tackle this week.

Sunday night ended up a bit more eventful than planned because just as I was sitting down to catch up on work that needed to happen by Monday morning, one of our lamps started flickering.  I thought maybe the bulb was going, but it went back on.  But then it happened again and eventually went out, and as I was going to get the bulb, I realized the lamp next to it was out, too.  The boys mentioned that it did that earlier when I was outside trimming the bushes, and then I flashed back to when I was at the outside outlet plugging and unplugging the trimmer and I swore it made a cracking noise a couple times--much like I'd expect from a spark, but no spark.  I thought maybe it was just the creaky cover hinge.  After a bit of back and forth to another outlet we realized the lamps were indeed fine but the outlet was not.  Then we noticed the porch light was acting weird when switches were getting flipped, and the switch that turns on the fans was wonky for a bit and then worked, almost like all of the flipping of switches was allowing other things to turn on and off.  It was so strange.  Of course I mildly panicked (I wasn't in the best mental state anyway--again, more on that in a minute) because fire is such a fear of mine.  And honestly, with everything that just happened down south (including in Asheville where my aunt and uncle live) with Hurricane Helene, people losing their homes to disaster has been top of mind and it scared me to death.  We unplugged things from that outlet and had an otherwise uneventful evening (aside from the awful Bills loss) before turning off that breaker before bed.  Luckily the electrician was able to fit us in late Monday morning, and it turned out the outside outlet was shot.  That didn't surprise me as it's not one of those GFCI outlets with the reset button, so it isn't exactly ideal to be out in the elements even with little outlet flaps.  Eventually it just sort of corroded and the connection loosened (I think maybe the neutral, he said?) and because it was earlier in the circuit based on where the electricity comes from, it was disrupting the other areas further down, which was why everything was flickering.  So he just had to fix that one and everything else was fine.  That was a huge relief.  Yeah, it was $300, but better than wiring damage or worse.  

Oddly I guess it was helpful to have something else to worry about for 14 hours, because honestly, my full time job lately seems to be worrying about Jacob.  It is exhausting and we don't even any official diagnosis.  It's been more of the same for three months now...just a constant cycle of stuff.  It started with a virus, various lingering symptoms, and then new things have come and gone (or stayed).  Along the way it was complicated by the concussion, two more viruses, and then a sprained ankle last week.  He just hasn't been right since the first cold virus in June the week before we went to the Dominican.  The elevated blood pressure, which seems mostly better...the sudden reflux...chest pains, which apparently weren't heart-related...stomach pains that come and go, even after he figured out he glutened himself...the lymph node, which is currently down a bit...another cold virus...the epididymitis, which is officially better...his shin that still isn't where he wants it to be...another cold virus a couple weeks ago...random aches and pains, mostly in his back and then his chest again.  It's all getting really concerning that he never feels particularly well.  And with everything it's hard to tell what his baseline should be, since he hasn't been able to fully train at a high level for any extended period of time since the spring.  Should he get tired doing what he's doing?  Is he short of breath or is he just a little out of shape compared to what he's used to?  He just hasn't been able to get in a groove so it's hard to know what's normal and what should be concerning.  But some days the stomach pains and aches are bad, and it scares me.  My friend just died of stomach cancer after complaining of back pain, so that's stuck in the back of my mind.  Jacob already has Celiac working against him, and it's just hard to know what other complications might arise because he already has one autoimmune disease.  Not to mention that stress seems to be a factor.  It wouldn't surprise me if it ramped up as we were getting ready to leave for our trip in June, and then the constant stream of ailments has just kept it going.  We wonder if taking ibuprofen for his injuries irritated his stomach and then combined with the stress to cause ulcers.  Does he have a new lactose intolerance?  Might it be a bacteria overgrowth, as he thinks "things" have been smelling worse?  Could it be diverticulitis or maybe IBS (although I don't think he's had IBS-type #2 issues, that I know of)?  He insists we have black mold in the house because that would explain everything, but it's not super likely as we haven't really seen (or smelled) any signs anywhere. 

We bugged the doctor again and did another round of blood work and everything looked good, although all that it really rules out is lymphoma (which he was worried about with the lymph node) and pancreatitis.  His Celiac levels were perfect, so that was good but doesn't give us any clues.  We have a GI appointment on Friday, which should at least start the ball rolling on some sort of investigation there.  Ultimately every day is a battle to not get particularly triggered, whether it's by something he says, like when his pain is worse, or something I accidentally come across online, like people who realized their reflux was a cancer sign or the athlete whose body wasn't fighting off illness or injury properly and had bowel cancer.  I see those things and the worry starts all over again at a very high level.  It's like a constant fight-or-flight response, and it's exhausting.  And I know from reading posts from an old friend of mine whose daughter has leukemia (not to mention all the other cancer parents I know, half with living kids and half without) how draining it is to literally be in the fight for their life for months or years on end.  To be in this heightened state constantly is draining.  I don't know how I could do it long-term, let alone the worst-case scenarios beyond that, but part of me is terrified I'll have to.  

Mentally I catch myself doing things or making alternate plans or assuming what things will have to change.  All the what ifs come pouring in and I'm having trouble stopping them.  Jacob desperately wants to plan a trip to Disney in May and I keep hesitating.  I mean, it's a bad month at work, Craig might have playoffs, and the kids have school, but it's really the best time to go for weather and cost issues...but what might our lives look like by then?  Would it be worse to plan and not be able to go?  For me, the answer is yes, but for him the planning feels like a lifeline.  But if there is something wrong we can't outrun it with vacation.  And yes, if something is wrong obviously a trip to Disney will happen as soon as it's medically possible, but planning a trip just seems foolish until we get this figured out.  

I mostly feel like one day we'll have no choice but to have some life-changing ER visit when he can't take it anymore, and everything will change forever from that point on.  That could happen as soon as tomorrow at this point, because mentally it's gotten bad and physically he's just endlessly frustrated.  I have seen that life-altering scenario play out more than once through friends, and the one in particular has been very open about how draining this process is.  With all that in mind, my poker face is terrible right now, which drives Jacob and Craig nuts, but I literally can't help it.  It's such a deep, biologic reaction based on everything I know.  I want to think this is just anxiety talking--like almost every other time I've ever thought something was wrong with me or them--but the reality is that I've overthought this so deeply and just have that awful mother's intuition that something simply isn't right.  Something has to be causing all of this and it's probably not good.  Even if it's not cancer it could be another chronic condition.  I routinely try to talk myself back out of it--he hasn't gotten truly sick (like nausea or more intense pain or a visible tumor or severe fatigue or major weight loss) so maybe there's just a bunch of little explanations for everything.  But then he mentions he's lost a couple pounds or he's extra tired today or the back pain or stomach pain is worse, and I start all over again, even if there are logical reasons for those things--like less weight training causing loss of muscle, or staying up late, or sleeping in a weird position, or being out of alignment.  It's this constant cycle which seems to intensify after every virus, and the mental weight is nearly unbearable even at this stage.  I'm jittery, I have a nervous stomach, sometimes I have no appetite, I'm often distracted, and sometimes all I can do is stare at my phone because I don't have the mental energy for anything else.  And truly, this has been coming in waves since June, for both kids.  Carter's situation seems fine now, although we still should get that Celiac test done.  His mouth seems pretty much healed up, and we never really knew what it was.  But to have moments of thinking both kids have some form of cancer, multiple times over the last three months, makes me feel like I'm a crazy person.  That's hypochondriac, overactive anxiety stuff, right?  But these situations have been verifiably super weird and concerning and essentially without explanation, so I don't think that's fair in this case.  I do need to get help with it, but at the moment I guess I want to see if it's just going to be working through overabundant, unfounded anxiety or actually needing help with something more real.  To even talk like this seems overly dramatic, but when your otherwise healthy-ish teenager just can't get out of the weeds after three months, something has to be up.

I'm mostly just trying to go into robot mode half the time, pounding through work with whatever concentration I have, getting through dinner, and trying to immerse myself in something brainless at night.  I focus on to-do lists to feel like I'm making progress, which is good, but inevitably my brain wanders off to how I will get things like that done if he's sick.  Almost every time he talks I get nervous it will be about another health issue.  When I hear him and Carter bantering back and forth, I start worrying about what how I would ever cope if that scenario was no longer possible.  I'm simply traumatized at this point, without even knowing what's happening.

I know it's driving him nuts too, and whenever he accuses us of not helping him I try to explain that we have been doing a lot--so many doctors and therapies and questions--and this system just isn't meant for young people with health problems.  You can't just walk into the ER demanding things (although apparently we're at that point) so you have to go through the system a bit and hope that there will be answers there before it gets to an extreme point.  In this case there haven't been, and yes, it's getting extremely hard.  I know it probably bothers him every moment of every day too, and while he knows it's hard for us, I don't think he understands just how hard.  He is a part of me--if you believe that science, we even share cells--and it guts me to the core to think of anything ever happening to him or him having to go through more pain.  The saying "A mother is only as happy as her saddest child" couldn't be more true, and knowing these past three months that he was almost constantly having issues (and if he wasn't for brief times, Carter was) has been so hard.  I think of how hard it has been to come back from the stress response of COVID, and this is already exponentially worse.  

I just don't feel like I know how to help him or even how to be a good parent to him anymore, because my stress is affecting him.  He says that he doesn't feel pain when he's working out or playing basketball (or even watching it while he's been injured), so he thinks that a lot of it is stress.  I think there could be some adrenaline there assisting things, even if he's not participating, but trust me, I wish more than anything it was just that.  Admittedly, he does have stress at school because he's unhappy there, and I give him stress at home, and I know he's frustrated with just wanting to be back to where he was physically so that probably isn't helping the rest of the time.  But I think there's too much physical pain for it to just be that.  I want him to be magically cured more than anybody, but the longer this has gone, the less likely that seems.  This horrible limbo is bad enough, but I know the alternative could be endlessly worse.  I keep hoping and praying for a resolution of his symptoms and good news with every test, but I am scared.  More than ever before in my entire parenthood journey.  Terrified and heartbroken and at a complete loss.