Stuck

I've admittedly felt pretty down since the car accident.  I can't seem to shake feeling stupid and frustrated.  I realized that I have lost trust in myself, which has sent me on a whole other spiral beyond the immediate frustration with the situation I've put myself in.  I was hoping it would get better after a little bit of time, but if anything it probably got worse for at least a week or more, and even now, almost two weeks later, I'm just stuck in a perpetual cycle of shame and sadness and fear that I can't quite figure out how to get out of.  I'm trying, but when that illusion of control is lost, it's hard to recover from sometimes.  And I think on the fringes of all that's happened over the past few months, my system is just sort of ill-equipped to fight it off harder.  I'm tired.

The lack of trust in myself is a tough one.  I try to be a good driver, but clearly accidents happen.  I guess I sort of expected that if something was going to happen, it would be a bit more typical, like one of the areas that usually make me nervous while driving.  I'm constantly worried about things like backing into someone in the chaotic Wegmans parking lot, a slippery snow accident, bumper-to-bumper traffic, or any number of other places or scenarios that feel precarious even on a good day.  I did not have rear-ending someone on a random country road on my driving BINGO card, and the fact that it happened via a very momentary attention lapse now has me questioning everything.  I guess it was quite unlucky as we all have those moments, whether it's simply glancing at the preview of a text you just got, or momentarily looking at the radio or A/C system, or noticing something on the side of the road.  Mine just happened to happen when traffic came to a dead stop moments after a little hill in the road, so clearly bad timing, but how often do we do those things and it's fine?  So knowing I was already really trying to be careful and this still happened, how on earth do I avoid it happening again without making myself a nervous wreck on the road?  I already had trust issues after my last accident when someone swerved into my lane, so I'm constantly trying to avoid being in people's blind spots and staying away from people who almost swerve into other lanes up ahead of me.  Now I'm trying to leave as much space as possible between myself and the car in front of me.  I'm even more nervous because I have no doubt my insurance would drop us if I had another accident, so I'm pretty much having to drive around with zero room for error for the foreseeable future.  It makes driving not fun and definitely not relaxing.  I have been a low-key basket case pretty much every drive I've had to do since the accident, and it sucks.  And knowing I have this much experience and it still happened, combined with the realization that my eldest child will be an inexperienced driver in the not-too-distant future, pretty much makes me full-on crazy.  

My car officially got totaled last Friday.  I spent the whole week on edge every time I got a call from a number I didn't recognize (and it was an abnormally busy week for that).  I finally got a text late in the day Friday on a pre-dinner walk, and it pretty much crushed me for the weekend.  I had a feeling it was coming but I was trying to stay hopeful.  I think it was just a little too old with a little too much mileage to offset the damage, which stinks because that car probably could have driven another 75-100K miles with minimal issues, yet now I have to pay a ton of money for a new one, both up front and monthly for the next six years.  The whole car buying situation is ridiculous compared to the last time I did it.  Admittedly, last time I was pregnant and less than five years removed from the time before that, so I literally bought the newest version of the exact same car I had to keep things as simple as possible.  This time I felt ready for something different, but oh man, have times changed.  Prices are so much higher than last time I bought, the loan rates are ridiculous, and stock is still sketchy post-pandemic.  It's not as bad as during the pandemic, but it's not good.  Then I keep thinking about all of the cars that got flooded out with two straight hurricanes down south and wonder how on earth anyone is going to get a car...especially since there were probably dealerships that got swamped as well.  Anyway, I miss the days of standard 0.9% financing and knowing whatever I want is probably readily available.  

I ended up getting my settlement amount midday Monday, and that helped a tiny bit as it confirmed I'd be able to put a decent amount down to try to bring my payment down.  It was more than I was expecting, to be honest.  I was hopeful it could be in that range, but I really had no idea.  With that and a bit more from savings I hoped we'd be able to get the payment down to a better level, but still far from ideal.  I was also disappointed to realize that dealerships are closed on Sundays.  For people who have Saturday kid activities, Sunday is the one day that has a chunk of shopping time, but unfortunately that weird old law that limited Sunday business operation still somehow stands for dealerships, and I guess it hasn't been fought since banks aren't open anyway and it forces a day off for employees.  But what a pain, especially since evening hours aren't exactly bountiful either.  I ended up taking a half day in the middle of the day Tuesday to shop.  Fortunately one of my target vehicles worked out--I liked the test drive and they managed to work out a good payment--still higher than I'd like but lower than I originally feared.  So it looks like I'll be getting a Subaru Crosstrek!  I looked at a Toyota Corolla Cross, which is another small SUV, but between their higher financing and less availability, it just wouldn't work out.  It's too bad, but maybe it's good I don't have so many decisions to make since I'm terrible at that.

Even still, we're officially going to have to make some budgeting decisions to make this more comfortable, which isn't really something we've had to do before.  I pay a lot of the household bills and my salary offsets that reasonably well most months, but with the rise in grocery prices and the general creep-up of everything else, this is going to officially throw that balance off.  It looks like we're finally going to have to cut the cable cord and then I might shift one bill over to Craig for now.  He had both a car payment and tuition for a while, which he hasn't had for a couple years now, so he's been saving up since and has more leeway to take that on.  But it definitely puts us in a crappy spot because the van is starting to have issues and will probably need to be replaced soon as well, which means two car payments at some point.  Plus we need a new roof and Disney beckons again next year.  I know logic says that maybe Disney will have to wait, but I don't think most people would understand how important it is to Jacob and his very particular mental health, not to mention the family memory thing we've been trying so hard to cultivate since the pandemic.  So that will be hard to postpone without a lot of angst.  But with college on the horizon a couple years down the road, I'm mildly concerned about how on earth we can save up enough to be helpful to Jacob.  It's so hard.  And that's part of the reason why I just can't stop beating myself up for one stupid moment that so negatively impacted our family's financial situation for the foreseeable future.

But even without the car stuff and the mental difficulties surrounding driving, I just feel overwhelmed.  I definitely think it's time to start seeing someone to talk a lot of these things through.  There's just so many things that are weighing heavily on me, from all the trauma of the kids' medical stuff for the last four months, to my general mood, to feeling so overwhelmed by life in general--it's just time.  Everything feels like there's no solution and never going to get better, and I need to fix that.  There's just so much anxiety from the past four months in general, and it has me on edge and exhausted.  I constantly feel like I'm forgetting to do something or second-guessing if I have my keys or my phone.  It's just a constant feeling of fear and worry and foreboding.  I'm struggling to focus at work and I just feel out of it at home.  I know I'm not good company right now and just don't feel like doing much or having fun.  But being alone is hard too, because I'm stuck with all of the negative thoughts creeping in.  I've had to do a lot of walking lately for my work Walktober challenge, and while it feels like it should be a mental health boost (and maybe somehow it still is), I struggle with how to occupy my mind when I'm alone with my thoughts.  Oh, and sleeping is no better.  I've been waking up around 5am pretty much every morning for the last few weeks.  It's so frustrating to wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.  Half the time it's because my brain is annoyed it's too close to when my alarm is going off, and the rest of the time my brain immediately works itself into a frenzy over one stressful thing or another.  It doesn't matter what time I go to bed, I wake up sometime between 5 and 5:30 and barely doze the rest of the way, even on weekends.  It's not doing my mental health any favors, I'm sure.  I've had this happen before for weeks at a time, and sometimes I think it's a hormonal, peri-menopause thing, so I'm hoping it goes away soon. 

I'm just stuck in a spot right now where I feel like I'm making a solid effort in so many areas of my life, but it's just not good enough.  I've already talked about my driving not being good enough, but it extends so much farther.  I feel like I am constantly cleaning things in my house, but they still end up being constantly messy.  I try to make good meals but inevitably they all seem really repetitive and not particularly exciting or well-received.  I feel like I am constantly moving from task to task, but there's always more waiting.  I feel like we're pretty careful with our money compared to so many other people, and yet everything still feels tight.  I'm tired of dealing with a steady stream of super expensive grocery trips that never seem to get us what we need, and managing every unexpected expense that comes our way.  We're okay in the grand scheme of things--we have savings and it's not really draining, but it feels threatened constantly.  I just dread the thought of digging into our savings for anything, let alone a car, a roof, probably another car, and ideally a kitchen and landscaping overhaul after that.  It just never seems to end, you know?  And never mind the election that's happening in three weeks.  I can't even, because I'm not sure either candidate has the answers, and some of the scenarios are downright scary.

I just had a very rough weekend in particular, and it was made worse by discovering that the replacement dehumidifier for the replacement that didn't work doesn't work either!  I swear I'm not stupid and I swear I'm not doing it wrong.  The outlet works with the original one that's broken as well as the one we're borrowing.  I don't even have to hit the power buttons and they come on, including the one that's the same model as the non-working ones.  The new ones do not work in other outlets either.  The odds seem slim, but I think we must just have a crappy delivery guy who's throwing it around or something.  We were so careful taking it out of the box just in case, and I was SO upset when I plugged the new one in and it did nothing.  Now we have FOUR dehumidifiers that need expensive recycling AND we need to buy a new one because I don't think I'm going through this process again.  I am still going to try to get something back from the company to offset the recycling fees or something, but my first attempt didn't go well and it's so disappointing that the problem is still not solved six months later.

Jacob seems a little better overall on the stomach stuff, but his shin flared up again this week so we've been back on mental health support duty for him.  In addition, I've been completely dreading his SIBO test this week.  We ended up pushing it back a week due to the extensive prep needed.  The pre-test diet is very specific and we needed to figure out how to feed him when it doesn't lend itself to a packed school lunch.  He misses so much school for all of his appointments and this is no exception, so we just needed more time to figure out how to keep him in school and also line up our work schedules to coordinate better.  The diet is pretty sad--plain boiled/baked chicken, boiled eggs, plain white rice, and some select crackers and bread (although the bread situation was too confusing with gluten-free bread so we're skipping that)--all with nothing more than salt and pepper (which he typically doesn't use).  I was miserable on it eight years ago (this week, no less!) so I've been dreading his frustration with it.  I do hope the test gives us a helpful answer after all of the prep that goes into it, but we'll see.

I know that I should be excited to get the car, but I'm just not.  I don't feel like I can put this whole thing behind me because I will have a constant reminder of my screw-up, now with the added bonus of driving around a very expensive vehicle with high anxiety.  Oh, and even the process of offloading my old car has been a debacle.  I had to go grab a couple more things out of it last weekend, and they suggested taking the plates off when I did that.  The front plate came off okay, but the back plate had some sort of weird rubbery screws that the screwdriver just shredded.  I was so annoyed that even that task I couldn't just wrap up.  The collision shop had to take it off for me and I had to pick it up.  Driving away from my car for the last time finally got me teary for the first time in this whole mess.  And then I tried to send my title to the insurance company only to find out that I apparently never got my lien release letter or updated title...or if I did it somehow never made it in my car folder, which seems unlikely to me.  So now I'm playing a waiting game for Toyota Financial to fax the right thing to the insurance guy (real version is coming to me but sooner is better).  If the holdup continues I might have to take a boatload of money out of my account on Tuesday until the new stuff makes it in.  At least there's enough there...but geez.  Apparently picking out the car is the easiest part of this whole thing?  Eeesh.

So...yeah, I'm just not in a great place right now.  I'm praying, I will call for a therapist, but in the short term things are pretty rough.  Mentally and physically I think I need some sort of reset, but I have no idea what that would be right now.  Lord knows time and money are not on my side to make that happen, nor do I want to drive myself anywhere.  Sigh.  I'm just so STUCK.