20 Years

Continuing last week's theme of undercelebrated milestones, here's another one--our 20th wedding anniversary today.  It ended up not being as uncelebrated as it could have been, however.  We were supposed to have soccer tonight, which would have guaranteed a very understated celebration--we were thinking ice cream after the game--but the game got canceled earlier today due to the return of Canadian wildfire smoke.  Ironically tomorrow's game, which was supposed to be one of three this week, is a rescheduled one from when the smoke overtook everything a few weeks ago.  Because we didn't have a lot of time to plan, we ended up doing dinner out at Olive Garden (when you don't usually get to go there it feels fancy), and then picked the kids up and got ice cream with them as a "thank you" for letting us have dinner alone.  Ha.  Not too bad, but for an anniversary that feels trip-worthy, I think it still qualifies as undercelebrated.  Anyway...

Twenty years is a long time.  Just hearing that makes me feel a little old.  Then the flower girl/ring bearer pictures from the wedding a couple weeks ago added another layer to that.  It's fine--I mean, we're not actually old--but this is still a pretty significant milestone and it represents a significant chunk of our lives.  We both have parents that have surpassed 50 years, so in comparison we've only just begun.  We got married a bit later so I'm not sure that's in the cards for us--and if it is it might be a romantic dinner at the senior home--but 20 at least feels somewhat "older and wiser", I guess...in a good way.  These days it seems like not a lot of people make it here, so it's definitely an accomplishment.

It felt like it took forever just to get to five years, which happened a little over a week after Jacob was born.  We had just brought him home from the hospital the day before so we didn't do much celebrating.  I'm not even sure we had the energy to figure out takeout, but I wouldn't have wanted to cook either, so I'm not sure what we did.  By 10 years, we had two kids (including a newborn).  I just read my blog post about that, and I realized it was still pretty positive because that was just weeks before the worst of Jacob's issues became apparent.  We'd had a couple flashes by that point of what was to come, but the complete decimation of our chaotic but comparatively peaceful home life was still ahead of us.  Our challenges as a couple up until then had been pretty typical and manageable, but I will be the first to say that over the last 10 years our marriage has taken a lot of blows because it's pretty hard to harmoniously work through problems where solutions aren't clear and your personalities each default to a different tactic.  We've disagreed a lot on how to handle Jacob and both felt overloaded a lot of the time, which leads to burnout and a lot of resentment when things feel unbalanced.  We've managed, but suffice it to say that romance can be hard to come by when you're stressed.  We haven't been away without kids for more than a couple nights at a time since Jacob was born, which probably means we could use some extended couple bonding time to remember how much fun we can really have by ourselves.  Hopefully someday soon, especially now that we have an anniversary to pin it on.

While I was aware of the years continuing to pile up after 5 and 10, life was too busy to do much more than pause for a moment to appreciate it and try to find a quick way to celebrate with dinner out, which wasn't always easy.  Nowadays we can leave the boys for the evening, so that part is getting easier--it's just working around everyone's schedules that's gotten harder.  Maybe it didn't feel like time was flying when we were in the midst of these past 10 years, but looking back, that period has gone faster than ever and it's crazy to realize two whole decades have passed.  That's a lot of years and a lot of experience, and sometimes I still feel too young for any of it. 

I'd love the chance to just hop back in time to that week, to relive what seemed like a pretty perfect day and a dream-come-true honeymoon.  That time just seems simpler and lighter and more carefree, for obvious reasons--no kids, no COVID, less political strife, fewer health concerns, more living relatives, and our whole world laid out in front of us, going into it together with that special invincibility of two people who just had the best day of their lives.  We had such an amazing wedding day, followed by a family picnic the next day (which was nice because I probably didn't get to talk to my relatives much at the wedding), and we left for our honeymoon the day after that.  It was such a fun few days followed by a week of surreal, exciting, and relaxing bliss.  Not to mention that two weeks off work at that point was nearly unheard of for me, and it was downright incredible after the stress of wedding planning and a couple years of very long work days and busy seasons.  I also hadn't been on a plane since I was nine, so flying across the country was pretty unreal for multiple reasons.  Going anywhere interesting, let alone to entirely new climates and places, was so much fun.  We watched our honeymoon camcorder video a couple years ago for the first time in ages, and it was pretty entertaining.  I remember so many of those moments, but seeing them like that brought everything back even more vividly--and was a clear reminder that we were so young (and euphorically silly) at the time!

As I looked through our wedding pictures in preparation to write this, it just blows my mind how we can still look a lot like that young couple in the pictures, but yet so much has changed.  A few pounds here, a couple smile lines there, and for Craig, a little less hair.  And why did I think I was fat back then?  I was deliriously happy all day, and you can pretty much see that in the pictures.  But looking back I think I spent half the day just trying to make it through a series of rituals that I'd spent half my life watching other people do, and now it was my turn.  I never liked being the center of attention--although doing it on the day you're the most beautiful woman in the room isn't half bad--so I think a lot of that day had a preoccupation with doing things that I'd probably otherwise consider embarrassing, but I knew it was my duty to do them.  I just wanted to get married, but part of that was taking a deep breath and smiling through any awkwardness as I walked down the aisle...did the first kiss in front of everyone...fed each other cake...danced...all things that would probably mortify me on a regular day but had to be okay that day.  And I promise, they were...I had a blast.  But 20-years-later me is sort of impressed I made it through all of that!

Nowadays I watch weddings with a little bit of nostalgia, a little bit of jealousy, and a little bit of concern.  I think back to that amazing day and how much fun it was, and I'm so glad someone else gets to have their dream come true.  I'm sad that we can't relive ours or be those bright-eyed kids again.  But I also watch it all with this nagging knowledge that it only gets harder from there.  I know that sounds jaded and sad, but it's true.  That day is wonderful and amazing, maybe to only be equaled by the birth of your kids or select few big milestones.  The day-to-day pales in comparison, and there's a lot more of that than the exciting stuff.  Almost everyone goes into their wedding day thinking they've got this figured out and they'll be fine, and yet...statistics show about half are wrong.  Maybe it takes a year, maybe it takes 10, maybe it takes 40, but it happens.  Even 20 years in it scares me a little, not because I doubt us or anyone else we see get married, but because life is unpredictable.  People and circumstances change.  When I find out someone we know is divorcing, I always wish I could ask what happened so I could have one more nugget of knowledge in my back pocket to keep in mind for my own marriage.  We know the obvious ones like treat each other well and don't cheat, but when you hear about ones that faded away slowly or something just flipped years in, those are the scary ones.  What was the first dent in the armor?  What was the first sign of trouble?  Even 20 years in I overthink all of that because I don't want to miss little things that could suddenly turn into something big.  

I can't say I'm a marriage expert, but at this point it's very clear that it takes a lot of upkeep.  Most of it is "good work" and can be fun, but some is harder.  It takes keeping your eyes open and seeing your spouse through their strengths and weaknesses.  It takes picking up the slack but knowing when the balance is unnecessarily out of whack and righting it before it becomes a sticking point.  You have to support one another, and while that's not always going to be even, it needs to be honest--don't take more from your spouse than you actually need.  I saw something the other day about giving your spouse your "number" for the day and communicating that you need them to offer up more than the usual 50% when you're running low, just for that day.  I don't remember what their solution was for when you're both below 50 and can't reach 100, but I feel like it wasn't a sufficient explanation for me.  I liked the concept, but whatever the end was, it rang a little hollow.  Because I won't lie, lately we've both been running below 50 pretty regularly, mostly because of our morning and basketball struggles with Jacob.  It feels like survival mode more than we'd like.  We're getting through but I know we probably need to be proactive sooner rather than later to recharge.  I guess it's a good sign that I know that, right?  When someone gives up or doesn't care, that's when you know there's trouble.  We're not there, thankfully.  Sometimes there's the temptation to let it ride and be okay with the low periods until you get through the hard parts, but I'm sure there are people who have done that and come out the other side completely alienated from one another.  I don't want to risk that either.  It's a daily challenge to be a good spouse, but I guess luckily we both have a lot of empathy for the other right now because we're both struggling.  It's not the best thing to bond over, but for now maybe it's enough.

I think looking at our pictures as I get older increasingly reminds me how young and naive I was.  That girl had no idea what she was getting into.  She was happy and in love and everything made sense, so that was all she needed.  She said the vows and meant them, but definitely didn't picture some of this stuff.  I suppose in a lot of ways it's like what most couples go through when they have kids--you think you're ready, but you're never really ready.  Mind you, that's totally okay.  It's how the world works--if any of us knew what was ahead in marriage or parenthood we'd be paralyzed in fear.  Clearly I wasn't totally unprepared--we've made it work this long so the tools were obviously there.  But older me feels slightly embarrassed that younger me thought she had it all figured out.  

I don't mean for all of this to sound negative.  I feel really blessed that we've made it this far.  It's been a heck of a ride and we've made a ton of memories.  I wish things had been a little easier at times and that we had a little more flexibility to get that alone/recharge time we've desperately needed, but we're still here.  It's just a lot clearer now, 20 years in, that youthful euphoria only goes so far, and once the figurative honeymoon is over, there's a lot more to marriage than meets the eye.  It's a privilege to get to this point--many worthy people were denied that chance--and in the end it's worth the work.  It's special to have the opportunity to share so much of your life with one person and I'm thankful we have that.  I just can't quite believe it's been 20 years (plus two).

And now, just for fun...

Happy Anniversary Craig!

The Week of Undercelebrated Milestones

Well, it's been an interesting week or so--though probably not as interesting as it should have been.  

Last Friday we went to Buffalo to celebrate our niece and nephew's 21st birthday.  It's hard to believe they've crossed over that last legal milestone and are pretty much full-fledged adults now.  They were born right before Craig and I got engaged.  At that point it was pretty much a foregone conclusion it was happening, so I was essentially accepted as a part of the family by then--which worked out well because we spent most of Father's Day in the hospital as they were being born six weeks early.  They were tiny, about 4.5 and 3.75 pounds if I recall correctly.  We didn't know the genders, so finding out it was a boy and a girl was very exciting!  A few days later we got to go back and hold them, and they were by far the smallest babies I have ever held!  And now they're both taller than me, one by over a foot!

We went to a well-known Buffalo hangout near my in-laws' for the celebration, and I had seen a couple photos of the Buffalo chicken sandwich from there and really wanted to get it.  Fortunately it worked out for Craig and me to split it, because this is just insane:

The bun is not small.  That chicken breast was a solid 9+ inches long.

I spent most of the evening chatting with my mother-in-law while the boys hung out in the bar, which was just fine with me.  We had a wedding (and an early christening) the next day, so I had no need to sabotage that by drinking that night.  Of course, Jacob almost got handed a shot, so there's that.  Ugh.  Thankfully he knows better.  We headed to my parents' after that and settled in for the night.  

My cousin's baby girl was being baptized at 10am, so we were up and out pretty early.  I had been battling a cold for a couple days--I could feel it coming but had been successfully fighting it off with zinc, so I got up extra early to take a COVID test, just in case.  It was fine, thankfully.  The baptism was short and sweet, but it was good to see some family.  I wish we could have gone to the celebratory picnic after--the boys went with my parents--but we had to get to Craig's cousin's wedding and it didn't really make sense for us to drive all the way back to the northtowns in between the ceremony and reception.  The wedding was lovely--a little long and with a priest that barely spoke English--but the church was so beautiful.  We also went there for our first COVID-era wedding in November 2020, which was the groom's brother's wedding where the reception had to be moved at the last minute and cut into two shifts to accommodate increased COVID restrictions.

 

After the ceremony we ended up at Panera for some lunch, stopped at the mall so Craig could get a new belt (his suddenly started peeling really bad), and then went to his parents' house for a while since it wasn't far from the reception.  I was completely enchanted by this dahlia in their front planter.  Isn't it perfect?

The reception was lovely.  They had large gourmet popcorn bags as favors, a giant bowl of shrimp cocktail for an appetizer (plus amazing passed appetizers), a different way for doing a guest book (leaving messages on a phone--though I fear the music got too loud for that later in the night), and a "Taste of Buffalo" bar for late night snacks.  It was just nice as a whole and we enjoyed catching up with family.  We clean up pretty nice...

It clicked in my head in the middle of dinner that the groom was in fact our ring bearer, and our flower girl was there as well, so given that our 20th anniversary was less than two weeks away, it felt appropriate to get a picture of the two of them together!  

Throwback to 20 years ago...man, does time fly.

Our flower girl got married five years ago and now has two kids of her own, so it shouldn't be a shocker that they're all grown up, but still...it's hard to believe we've had the same amount of time to age as they have!  Then we got a picture of all of us!    

For reference...

Crazy, isn't it?  It was quite the dose of perspective to realize how quickly 20 years can vaporize before your eyes.  In many ways we probably don't feel much different than that bride and groom in the picture (in other ways we are completely different and freaking exhausted), so to realize how much has actually changed--if only based on what those two kids look like now--it's shocking.  I'm sure I'll have more thoughts on this for our actual anniversary, but it was quite the visual to look at the pictures side by side.

One cool moment at the wedding was when they did the anniversary dance, where all the married couples go out to dance and slowly get called off the dance floor by years.  First the bride and groom, then one year, then five, and so on.  My parents gave one a pretty good run at my cousin Lori's wedding last year, but Craig was at a tournament with Jacob so I couldn't do that one.  This time, Craig and I lasted a while, although we just fell short of the 20 year mark...by 11 days, darn it.  But there were a bunch of seasoned couples out there still, and it took into 35-40 range to whittle them down.  Eventually it was down to two couples, Craig's parents and another couple.  The DJ started calling off years one by one and as he got around 49 and 50, the other couple walked off, leaving Craig's parents the winners!  They just hit 51 years a little over a week earlier.  Not too shabby--but very well earned, for sure!  Craig's dad raised a fist in celebration and it was cute to see them have a little moment of victory since it definitely hasn't been easy at times.

Oh, and one of the coolest little touches at the wedding was the basket of light-up foam sticks they brought out for dancing.  They were just simple white foam with a "Haley & Dennis" sticker on them, and they lit up red, green, and blue with three different light patterns.  It was such a fun, festive touch for everyone dancing!  

We were just about ready to go when Jacob called and then texted us saying that Carter was sick.  I panicked a little knowing he'd just gotten over a stomach bug and that those are my mom's kryptonite, but it turned out he was just super congested.  Luckily, by the time we got back to my parents', he seemed to be a bit better.  The next morning was Father's Day, and while I wanted to get up and go to church, I was just exhausted.  It wasn't like I drank a lot and it wasn't a super late night, but I think a crappy sleep the previous night and a busy day just wiped me out.  I guess I'm just not as young as I used to be.  Not to mention that I was still using Zicam to fight off the cold, so maybe that was running me down as well.  The extra sleep helped, though.  The boys went to the outlets for a bit in the morning, and then after everyone got home, we headed out to lunch at Anderson's with my parents and then went back to spend the afternoon with Craig's parents.  They were actually alone for a few days starting that day, since the rest of family had left for our sister-in-law's parents' 50th anniversary celebration in Pennsylvania.  We had a very nice, low-key day watching baseball and eventually getting some outside time.  The boys were in the pool for a while.

I wouldn't normally post this picture but I took this blog off search engine results a while back (at the kids' request) so few people will see this anyway.  Jacob was enjoying the warm water on the waterfall and just being silly (and he "had to have" this somewhat short pair of swim trunks), and it cracked me up because the picture made it look like he was modeling...haha.

Then Carter got into perfecting his cannonball.  It's hard to do in our pool without a deck (or even a steady ladder), so he was in all his glory trying here.

After many tries, I think we finally got a winner...and Craig's dad was eagerly cheering him on 😁

Fortunately, we had Monday off for Juneteenth so we had an extra day to settle back in for the week.  We actually got in some pool time at our house even though it felt pretty chilly still.  I did enough yard work--mostly trying to salvage my garden that got raided by an animal that chewed through the fence (!)--that it felt doable.  I was lucky enough to find some mature replacement plants at my local nursery, and they were even on sale so I got two cukes, an extra zucchini to go with a tiny one that made a comeback, and even a spaghetti squash since so little was coming up in the rest of my garden.  We finally got some rain, too, after about three weeks with nothing, so what's there is now growing well.  I mostly just floated on a raft in the pool while the boys played basketball and did a whirlpool, but it was nice to finally get in there after weeks of cold weather.  This past week was warmer, at least.

Tuesday was Carter's last full day of school and also Jacob's 15th birthday.  I had mentioned previously that he really hadn't given us many gift ideas other than his insistence we go back to Disney, so we really didn't have much for him.  He ended up staying home from school that day because he didn't want to go on a field trip to Seabreeze (not sure he is my child!), so we took him out to lunch (Chipotle) and dinner, which ended up being steak *and* lobster at Outback because they had a good deal running.  Lucky kid.  We'll make it up to him by buying random things he likes in the coming weeks, but we ended up with no pictures and the day was definitely a bit lower key than normal.  Unfortunately, by that night it was clear that the cold I'd successfully battled for days was coming back, and this time it wouldn't be stopped.  Darn it.

I woke up feeling pretty terrible on Wednesday.  I was really congested and tired.  I had a pre-scheduled doctor's appointment that morning that I really wanted to go to, so I pushed through to get to that.  It was Carter's last day, a half day, and since the timing of my appointment was better to take Jacob to school, I had to do that and leave the picture taking to Craig.

Jacob only had Field Day on Wednesday and he didn't want to go, but since he skipped the field trip the previous day, we wanted him to go and just be supportive.  We encouraged him to take his doctor's note to stay out of activities, but of course he didn't listen and the whole morning ended up being a mess, between him refusing to get up, being extra late, spilling breakfast on himself, and just generally making things difficult.  It was horrible.  He was super late to school and I was late to my doctor's appointment as a result.  And of course, he ended up aggravating his injuries (mostly a sore knee he's been dealing with) because they did some long walk scavenger hunt.  So he was pretty furious with us after that, even though we had told him how to avoid it and he chose not to listen or advocate for himself.  We can't win sometimes.  I only ended working about half a day that day because I felt so terrible, and I was really trying to rest up to feel better for an event I had the next day.

Thursday Jacob just had a moving up ceremony, which he also wasn't excited to attend, but we felt he should be a part of it.  Craig went with him.  He didn't have to be there until late morning, but somehow still ended up in a rush to get out the door.  As a result, we forgot to take the official last day picture. So clearly I was just #momfailing all over the place with him this week.  Two major milestones and neither got documented!  I woke up feeling a little bit better and fortunately medicine finally started working for me.  I was nervous about making my event--I had to feel good enough by about 1:30 to do it--but the medicine came through and I was able to go.  It was a work event in Syracuse with my two bosses, and I was supposed to be driving all three of us.  But it was for LOBSTER.  All you can eat, in fact.  I hadn't made it to this event since probably 2018 because of COVID and one year when Jacob's birthday fell on the day.  But it was always amazing--go through a tour of our printer's facility, then eat lobster and steak and have drinks of choice.  They used to have root beer floats where you could keep the glass, but that didn't happen this year.  But we did get an amazing fuzzy blanket in our swag bag, and I also won a $25 gift card!  We had such a good time just chatting in the car and at the event, and the printer employees are so fun and friendly at this event that it's almost impossible to not have a wonderful time.  We left full and happy, and there was even a lovely sunset to watch on the way home.

My cold was so much better the next day that I no longer needed medicine.  I'm still a little congested, but it's minimal and nose blowings are productive, so I'm good for now, I guess.  We were originally supposed to be in Pennsylvania this weekend for basketball, but we've officially called it quits on this year so Jacob can get healthy.  It's been such a mess.  We've had him checked and there doesn't appear to be structural damage to his knee, but he just keeps aggravating it.  It's a tough balance between staying conditioned and giving it rest.  We had a pretty quiet weekend, in part because the weather was unpredictable and it was tough to do anything.  We did a lot of work in the yard, the boys got haircuts and hit baseballs for a bit, and we hopped in the pool for a bit before thunderstorms came through on Sunday.  Oh, and I finally took Jacob's picture... 

Next weekend things get interesting again, but for this week we navigate having both boys home for summer vacation and my last week of my work's fiscal year, which is always a little crazy.  I'm still woefully behind on finding ways to keep Carter occupied this summer.  He should be getting his summer school laptop later this week, and I need to make a list of things for him to do other than screens, starting with sorting all of his school stuff.  He can practice his viola, build things, practice writing...we just need some structure.  We're just winging it for this summer, I guess, and I'm thinking my annoyance will up the urgency to find something--anything--to get one kid out of the house at any given time.  The next step is figuring out how to get Jacob working papers and to see if we can find anything to get him gainfully employed for a few hours a week this summer.  Next week my brother and his kids are back east and I'm off work all week, so we are definitely looking forward to that.

Summer is officially here and now to just figure out (as usual) how to make the most of it without wishing it away.  On we go...

Fifteen.

Dear Jacob,

A decade and a half.  Man...a decade seemed like a big deal and now here we are halfway through another one.  This one was quite a roller coaster of a year.  You've never really allowed things to get dull, but this one might have taken it to a new level of white-knuckle action.

So...last year's letter talked about the new school situation, and I guess I could just copy and paste a lot of that, because here we are again!  It's too bad the Northstar leap of faith didn't work out.  As guarded as I was about that change, for a lot of reasons, I was hopeful it might work out to be an unlikely fit--that even though on paper it didn't look perfect, that between basketball and the smaller community, the stars might align in just a way that would have worked for you.  Sadly, that was not the case, in really any form.  Academically, there were a lot of struggles.  Socially, it just wasn't a fit.  And while basketball showed a lot of promise and ended with a couple really awesome moments, even that wasn't quite what we thought it would be.

Academically, it became clear pretty quickly that the daily full courseload was going to be a challenge.  You had grown used to the every-other-day schedule and that breathing room for assignments clearly fit you better than a daily dumping of homework from every class.  Ninth grade work proved challenging, and the manner in which it was taught was...less than ideal.  I never thought I'd get grumpy about a Christian education, but here we are.  Part of being a Christian in the world is understanding how our beliefs differ and how we can still be a light when we're different, and I feel like so much of what was taught was stuck in its own little world where there isn't room to question or compare in a fair manner.  The entire setup just seemed to highlight your struggles with school work--between having issues with what you were learning and the way it was being taught, to the volume of work (especially "busy" work) you were receiving.  It put your motivation pretty low and made our job tougher, too, since you never wanted us to hassle you, but we felt compelled because we knew you probably weren't calculating properly how much time things would take.  That is one skill that ADHD has made very difficult for you.

Socially, I don't know that things could have been much worse.  This was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back and forced you out, because it was clear that every day was a mental struggle for you.  I knew that being in a school full of kids with a different ideology might be tough, and while it might not have been an issue initially, I think the compounding effect over the course of the year might have been too much.  But the low maturity level and the lack of respect you saw and experienced was surprising.  I wish you could have had more frequent school-day interaction with your basketball teammates because I think that might have helped you belong a bit more on a day-to-day basis, but that just didn't work out.

Speaking of basketball, well...that was quite a ride.  The coach situation was unfortunate, that you were stuck playing for a coach that didn't respect your skills or style.  You were somewhat validated when you finally got to play and made it count, but then we were right back to square one when you were taken out early and sat for huge chunks, and especially when you lost your starting spot.  I admired your patience--at least when you were on the bench; home was a different story sometimes--and I think you really showed what was possible when you had some of those pivotal late-season and sectional contributions to the team.  I was really hopeful that would set the stage for next year when you would have to be a big part of the offense after the seniors were gone, but I guess now we'll never know.  And I know the sectional championship still doesn't feel important or special to you--and I get that it validated a coach that mishandled a ton of things during the season--BUT I hope some day you appreciate all that you and your teammates overcame to win.  That sportsmanship award was a nice bonus, too.  I sincerely hope we see more of those runs in the coming years at your new school, and I hope this time it feels more like a team effort.

So, here we are, on to a new school...and not just the one you're in for these few weeks to finish out the year, but yet another new building in the fall.  It means learning alongside another set of kids that are generally different from you, but you seem to think it's already better so I'm hopeful it will stay that way.  Academics will remain to be seen, and basketball should be good, but I'm not sure we've ever had a season go completely according to plan, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  We'll just buckle in for the newest part of this ride and see how it goes.  It's funny, though--between two rounds of 8th grade and now another school change, this whole moving up to high school thing almost feels like an afterthought.  On one hand it's about time (haha), and on the other you've only been at this school for a few weeks so there's no history there to look back on, which leaves me oddly unemotional about this milestone.  As your overly nostalgic mother, I think you for that, I think--I thought I'd be a weepy mess at this point but I guess that will have to wait for your brother's 8th grade graduation, which should follow a more conventional path and will be our last on top of it.

You and I definitely had an interesting spring.  Even though our travels weren't easy and mostly didn't turn out the way we'd hoped, I'm still grateful I had that time with you.  It's rare, and I think we did have some positive memories.  I had fun seeing a different part of the country with you, and even though some of the touristy stuff didn't happen quite as pleasantly as planned, I'm thankful for those experiences too.  Even if you don't understand or appreciate them, I do, and I will always savor the good parts of those moments and that they're tied to you.  I hope someday you learn to find some extra joy in your "business trips" because life is too short to be all business all the time.  There's so much to see and do in the world, and you might as well make the most of it when you have the chance.  I'm sorry that our differences also meant that the Disney trip last year wasn't exactly your cup of tea, but hopefully we can find a good compromise this year.

I'm super sad that it's been such a frustrating basketball run for you these past few months.  A series of injuries was the last thing you wanted or needed when you were SO ready to break out with this team.  You were finally with the organization you wanted to be with, playing with guys you liked and believed in, and everything pretty much went to crap after one game.  As frustrating as that was by itself, I feel like that set a lot of dominoes in motion that carried the frustration over to other areas in life.  You couldn't play so you didn't have that outlet, you couldn't get yourself conditioned the way you expected to which makes it harder to play at the level you want to, and then you had to spend time doing extra stretches and training that cannibalized your time to do school work and sleep, which led to a lot of frustrations around the house, and more than likely made the odds of you getting healthy even harder by adding to your sleep deprivation and stress.  It's been a whole mess of fights and excuses and roadblocks all spring, and I know we're all pretty darn ready for a break.  It's coming, thankfully--at least summer break will take a couple things off the agenda for a bit.  But I don't want us to live like this, so I hope we can find a system that works for all of us by next September.

I saw a random reel last week that illustrated a real-life scenario of something called Pathological Demand Avoidance.  It's where someone's request or suggestion to do something causes a disproportionate negative response that makes that person illogically opposed to doing that thing.  I honestly think that's what we have had going on.  It would explain why you told us repeatedly this year that you were going to do your homework until we asked you to do it and now you're not.  Or why you purposely stay in bed after we check in on you in the morning despite you being halfway out of bed already when we got there.  It would explain a lot of why you bristle at our suggestions to clean up the empty bottles in your room or the snack bags by the couch, even though those are necessary and reasonable asks.  I'm trying to keep that in mind when we have those issues, that it's essentially an involuntary reflex...but one that we need to work on, for sure!  But I hope someday you understand the challenge that it is to keep you accountable and do our parental duty without overstepping into this reactionary zone.  I've been learning a lot of casual little nuggets about ADHD lately through social media, and while it doesn't necessarily give me answers, it does help me understand why things sometimes feel really hard from your perspective.  I'm trying to be patient, I promise.

I read a thoughtful essay on social media the other day that encouraged parents to think about how we're spending time with our older children with whom we have such limited time left.  Are we just nagging and arguing all the time? (Yes.)  Or are we trying to just "be" and be supportive, so you know we always have your back and there's always love to come back to no matter what?  I have probably failed at this time and time again, and said as much when I shared it.  I do need to do better at trying to tame the arguments--though laying off your brother and being at least a little cooperative would help a ton since I can't let you grow into a feral, rude human--because I want you to know you're loved and supported even as we're trying to mold you into a quality person.  I had people comment about how it's clear we're doing a good job (clearly they don't live with us), and even had one person message me assuring me that in working for a school district they see a lot of failed parenting and we're not it.  I get it, but your perspective matters, maybe more than anything, and I'm pretty sure you don't think we're doing too fantastic of a job most of the time.  Now, teenage perspective is honestly always a little skewed from reality--trust me on that, all of us adults were much the same once upon a time--but I hope that once your brain is fully developed and you come out the other side you can see all we've done, or at least tried to do.  This stage of parenting has challenged me as much as when your behavior issues started when you were five, and I worry a lot that I don't know how to help you through some of your struggles.  Most teenagers don't listen to advice or reason, but you're chemically programmed to reject it even more than most, and that sucks.  For all of us, honestly--it's hard for us but maybe even harder for you since it may mean a lot of hard lessons to learn on your own terms.

You definitely have a focus and a plan for yourself, which is admirable and impressive for someone your age.  I had no clue about a lot of things in life right up through college.  I might have had a vague idea, but you have the goal and the path in mind already.  Whether or not it turns out to be doable remains to be seen, but I give you credit for getting that far.  I just urge you to have some flexibility and maybe a backup plan just in case things don't go according to plan, because life is sneaky like that.  I feel like you should know that by now given how some of your basketball and school experiences have gone, but you keep insisting it will work out.  For your sake, I hope it does.  And if it doesn't, just know we'll be here to help.  We may not always agree on things, but we are always in your corner, and we're excited to see where you go in the coming years.  Just keep your head on straight and don't always just assume we're clueless, because we have lived through these stages before ourselves.  It may not look the same, but a lot still applies.

I'm sorry that your actual day today probably won't be the most exciting one you've had, but hopefully we can continue to celebrate you as the late-requested gifts arrive and we finally figure out how to get you the vacation you're craving so badly right now.  Big kid birthdays definitely look a little different.  I don't miss the fear of fitting more toys into the living room--fitting clothes in your closet is much simpler--but a lot of what we do now feels insufficient to celebrate what is still a momentous day.  It's the day you were born and the day you made us parents.  It changed our lives--and brains and hearts--forever, and it's hard to believe we're already getting to the home stretch of your time under our domain.  In some ways that day seems like not that long ago, and in others it is a literal lifetime ago.  So much has changed, and yet much of the fear and cluelessness is still there, just a bit evolved.  We can't imagine our lives without you and can't wait to see where you go in the years to come.  I'll just keep praying for patience for all of us!  Happy 15th Birthday, Jacob.

Love,
Mom

The Ride He'd Been Waiting For

As I alluded to in my last post, we finally got back to some action this weekend. Craig and Jacob went to Massachusetts for a basketball tournament.  Carter and I could have gone along, but we didn't expect much sightseeing so we opted to stay home and have our own fun.  Craig and Jacob did get into Boston for a bit to enjoy some Wahlburgers and check out Harvard, but I think we made a good choice to stay home.  We finally got to break in our Darien Lake season passes!  It boggled my mind a little the other day because I thought back to those failed attempts to get Carter on Ride of Steel in August and October and how sad he was that he had to wait nine (and later seven) more months to ride it.  While I'm sure it didn't feel short to him, I can't believe all that time has passed already.  I guess we kept pretty busy this winter and time moved right along!  I kept getting nervous something else would crop up to delay his first ride, but we finally made it!

I was hoping to get there closer to lunch time, but between trying to squeeze in a workout, having to run to Wegmans so we weren't totally out of milk for Sunday, packing our bags, and getting our lunches made and car-ready, we didn't get on the road until just before 1pm, which meant a 2pm arrival.  Our plan was to go directly to Ride of Steel before anything else could go wrong, and then work through anything else important before heading to the water park for a bit.  Luckily the line was pretty short--right up into the station--and although it was still a wait because Darien Lake seems to be anti-two-trains on all their coasters, we probably only waited 15-20 minutes before it was our turn!  Carter was nervous, but excited as the train chugged up the hill.  We enjoyed the view, eyed up some lines at the water park, and got ready for the big drop.  I had forgotten the terror/thrill of a drop that big and definitely screamed myself!  I looked over at him as we went up the large second hill and he had a big smile on his face!  In the end, of course he loved it!  We almost rode again right away, but the line had gotten a little longer and I suggested we conquer a couple other things before we did it again.

We hit up the drop tower next, which we almost rode in August but it broke down while we were in line.  I did the math and it seems like this one was about a 60-70 foot upgrade from the one in Ocean City, and the one at Cedar Point will be about the same upgrade from this one!  Funny to think Cedar Point was my first one like this (with compressed air as opposed to the less gentle Demon Drop), and everything since has been a disappointment--haha!  He was nervous as we waited for the fast shot up, and it was indeed crazy, but I assured him the first drop was more fun, and he agreed!  But again, he liked it!  And just like that, two of our last-year fails were redeemed!

As we headed to the water park, I had to get a picture of this gorgeous flower!  They were all over the park and were so pretty!

The water park was a bit of a risk.  It was only about a mid-70s day with filtered sun, so it wasn't super warm, and the nights have been cool so the water was quite chilly!  In the end it was just warm enough, but between the cold water and the breeze, the waits were borderline chilly!  But I suppose it beat roasting and burning!  We headed first to the Tornado, which is our favorite--it's the one that has a sideways funnel that you shoot down into from a giant tunnel and do a bit of a half pipe kind of swishing back and forth before shooting through the base into the pool.  It is always a thrill and always hilariously terrifying!  The water was indeed chilly, especially as we got splashed and then went into the pool, but at least our wait was a fraction of our usual wait!

Next we went to the Swirl City slides.  There are four slides on one platform, all different.  There are two lines (for no reason--I think you used to pick which two slides you wanted to pick from at the top, but that hasn't been the case for us) and it turned out they only had one lifeguard at the top so the lines were SLOW.  We probably waited close to an hour, but chatted a bit with the father and son in front of us and debated which slide we were going to do.  Last time we did Mr. Twister, which had fun swirly pods along the way down the slide.  We loved that and were tempted to do it again, but figured we'd try the "toilet bowl" this time.  Carter had only done one before, at the indoor waterpark, because he wasn't tall enough for Seabreeze's last time we were there.  The cold splashes of water ended up a bit uncomfortable as we spun around the bowl, and that pool was extra cold, but it was fun and now we know that we love Mr. Twister better or could try one of the other two next time.

Next door was Brain Drain, the infamous slide where the floor drops out.  The wait was super fast compared to the last time we did it, so I consented.  We chatted with a family in line where one kid was terrified and the parents were unsure but willing to try.  I was dreading it a bit but persevered!  The drop on the slide I did this time was a bit longer than my last one, but I think I got less face splashes this time.  It was super fast and cold but we immediately turned our attention to watching the other family come down.  The mom looked shellshocked but amused and the non-scared brother loved it.  We would have stayed for the dad and scared brother but we weren't sure they were going to make it down and we were freezing so we moved on.  Carter did a quick stop at the kiddie slide in Hook's Lagoon, and then our last stop was the Wahoo Wave, the newer slide that we waited forever for last time.  The line was super short this time, which was great, but it proved challenging carrying the giant quad raft up by myself.  Luckily a guy from the next group behind us helped me a bit.  They really need a better system there!  But we enjoyed that one as well, and that wrapped up our water park time.

I should add here that the best part of having the season pass was feeling like we didn't have to do everything on this trip.  We had our goals, for sure, but we knew we could hit up any misses next time.  For example, one of our favorites, Motocoaster, hasn't opened yet this year.  Waiting on parts, perhaps?  I would have been bummed to miss it on a single trip, but knowing we can catch it later was nice.  Same with the waterpark racing slides or even the other quad slides, or some of the flat rides we never seem to have time for.  That less-stress experience was so much more pleasant, and I will dizzy myself later this summer, for sure!

Our next stop was Tantrum, which we loved last time, but wanted to be in the front for this time.  It's such a crazy flippy coaster with a vertical lift and beyond vertical drop.  Despite being smooth it always rocks my brain a little and leaves me a little dizzy, but it was super fun!  And while we were rocking my brain, we moved on to Mind Eraser.  We ran out of time for Mind Eraser in August, and it was closed in October.  I actually swore off Mind Eraser 20-some years ago.  After ending up with headaches after riding it and a similar one at Canada's Wonderland, I was done with any in that format by that manufacturer, at least at Six Flags parks where they tended to be clones.  Well...never say never because you will have a child who deserves a chance to try it once.  The slow line (still maybe only 30 minutes) gave me plenty of time to think through my questionable life choices, but eventually we were on and I was bracing myself.  I did not scream and I mostly just cringed, but in the end the brain rocking was minimal.  Definitely there, but minimal all things considered.  It is a fun, different format--a new one for Carter, with the suspended track and dangling legs--so getting back to something like that had its upside.  He liked it a lot and I consented to ride it again later in the summer, so he was happy.  I'd just rather go ride Raptor at Cedar Point or Great Bear at Hersheypark!

By this point the sun was starting to go down and turn the sky pretty colors.  

Mind Eraser on the left, Tantrum on the right

We definitely needed to eat by this point, but we figured we should ride the Viper first, and we made a short detour at a ride I've wanted to go on since it was installed many years ago.  Moose on the Loose is sort of a kiddie ride--or maybe an adult-friendly step-up from one.  It's cheesy, but the line was short and I wanted to try it once!  You ride your own moose along a track and it bounces up and down a bit.  It's got a little themed scenery and a soundtrack of clomping hooves and someone saying "Moose on the Loose!"  It was silly but I'm glad we did it!

Viper was next and the wait was tolerable.  Unfortunately, the ride was not.  It really hurt both of us this time.  I don't know if it was the car position or something else, but OUCH.  It has never really been comfortable since I was a kid, but this ride was bad--much like the October one that I thought was the cold's fault.  Boo.

It was finally time to eat and we settled on splitting an order of poutine.  It ended up being really good and just the right amount to fill our stomachs without making us sick on our next ride.

Our first post-food ride ended up being the Predator, which we thought would be a longer wait than it was.  But that one doesn't really make my stomach flip anyway, so it was fine.  They re-tracked another section this year and now I can really tell what section needs to be next!  The re-tracked sections are so much better and capture the original non-abusive, runaway train experience of the ride, but there's still one rough section.  Still overall enjoyable, though!  I caught this shot on the exit ramp.

We still wanted to do another Ride of Steel ride, but the line was still longer so we opted to wander over toward Boomerang.  I hate that ride.  I ride it because Carter loves it, but oh, it was also rough again.  And that on top of the Viper roughness made me a little worried.  I was managing, but I may start sending Carter on that one alone.  After that we debated a few different options of non-coaster rides, but opted to go to Sleigh Ride and then hit up Ride of Steel right before closing.  But first I needed to take pretty pictures of the still-wildfire-affected sunset.

Sleigh Ride was one of my favorites as a kid.  It's like the Musik Express at a lot of other parks, but is more of a swinging sleigh than a fixed car on the end of an undulating arm.  There's some nice swing and it's still fast, but it's not the same kind of crushing slide from the G-forces that you get on Musik Express.  The theming is still basically the same as it was when I was a kid so it always gives me the warm fuzzies--especially because its old neighbors, the spinning boat-themed Raging Seas and the Scrambler-on-a-slope Crazy Quilt, are no longer around.

Oh, and somewhere around this time I showed Carter the game Fascination.  It's like a BINGO table--you roll balls toward a grid of holes and try to get five in a row.  I have fond memories of getting to play that a couple times over our season pass summer when I was a kid.  It hasn't changed, and I love that about it.  Maybe one of these times we'll play!  

We made our way back over to Ride of Steel and got in line for our last ride of the day.  We got on right around 9pm, when it was getting a bit darker, and I think Carter enjoyed the second time more because he knew what to expect and could just enjoy it!

Since we were there at closing time, I suggested we stick around for the Laser Light Spectacular.  I had never been there to see it and I figured if we did it that night we wouldn't have to worry about it for the rest of the summer.  Carter wasn't exactly thrilled, but tolerated it.  We had seen the location of the show while we were on the Boomerang but we weren't sure what it was at the time.  But after Googling the show I realized where it was and we headed back over that way after Ride of Steel.  We sat there for about 10 minutes or so before the show got started.  

It was actually pretty neat.  They had a fun and varied soundtrack--everything from "If You're Happy and You Know It" and the Bluey theme to 80s and 90s hits and modern stuff.  I thought they did a good job appealing to everyone.  

Each song had a variety of animations on a screen coupled with laser effects.  Some just looked like lines and some had almost like a smoke or cloudy sky look.

They even had this weird effect at ground level that seemed to be made with water spray and looked like a dancing woman.  It was a little creepy, but cool.

I love the song "Blinding Lights" by The Weeknd, so I took videos of that one:

There was also a patriotic section - they honored Canada first but that prominently featured a Tim Hortons logo so my guess is that was a sponsored thing - and then they moved on to the US with the "Proud to be an American" song.

The Iwo Jima animation on the screen was cool

After the show ended, we walked into the Magical Garden nearby.  The canopy of lights was so pretty.

They also had these interesting circles around the garden that had 3-D animations of animals.  The video I took doesn't really do it justice, but here's a dinosaur.

After that we headed out.  We were both a little hungry, but the remaining park food that was still available was mostly overpriced candy so we headed to the Speedway gas station near the Thruway.  This time (unlike last time) they had plenty of hot chocolate!  We grabbed our drink and snack and waited in a super long line--must be a busy spot when everyone leaves the park at once--before finally getting back on the road.  It's an easy highway drive, thankfully.  I offered to have Carter sleep in our room on his "bad dream" mattress, which he sometimes appreciates because it's like a slumber party.  I think he was out like a light pretty quickly, but I stayed up a little later to catch up on things.

Unfortunately, the rest of the weekend was a bit of a dud.  I woke up exhausted on Sunday.  I think my body is getting to an age where it's starting to protest when I overdo it.  Saturday was a crazy day--I did a strength training workout before Darien Lake, and my watch ended up at 146 minutes of exercise (about 50 of that was my workout, so I guess walking and waterpark stairs made up the rest), 887 move calories (usually I struggle to hit my goal of 390), almost 19,500 steps, more than 8.8 miles, and 11 flights climbed.  Despite a good night of sleep, I think my body was just done for the weekend because I was tired and lazy all day and just couldn't seem to snap out of it.  The weather was cloudy so it didn't inspire me to go out, and I just couldn't get myself moving beyond a few pesky inside to-do list items that would have bugged me all week had I not gotten to them.  And then it all went down the tubes even more because Carter got sick.  He was complaining about being hungry as I was trying to figure out dinner.  The big boys were on their way back and we had debated waiting for them, but he was too hungry so I was trying to settle on a plan for us.  One second he was whining about how hungry he was, the next second his face changed, and a second after that he puked on the living room floor.  Seriously?!  This kid has always had issues distinguishing hunger from a sour stomach, and I guess since he hadn't been sick in years he forgot the feeling yet again.  He got sick one more time in the bathroom about 20 minutes later.  He had some dry toast and water very slowly in the evening and seemed like he was doing okay, but he puked all over himself and his comforter setup in the bathroom around midnight.  Apparently he barely woke up because this stomach bug did not come complete with cramps and panicked nausea like I always seem to have!  That was really unfortunate and frustrating since I had finally gotten to sleep just before, and there was a lot of cleanup--including more laundry than would fit in the washer.  The rest of the night was uneventful, thankfully, and some water, toast, and plain pasta later he seems to be on the mend.

As for Jacob, he was back on the court for a game for the first time since Oklahoma City.  He eased back into game play slowly and did sink a three in one of his games, but he ended up tweaking his bad ankle AGAIN in the second game, so that was it for the weekend and likely for the season.  There was another tournament or two he could have played in, but it looks like he just needs to take a break and focus primarily on his training with school.  His body is just a mess and he needs a reset.  It stinks, but hopefully he can work on his conditioning and maybe work into his body that I would guess has grown quicker than he's really been able to keep up with.  I think maybe every muscle, ligament, tendon, and bone is still trying to wrangle the fact he's grown more than a foot over the past three years or so.  I could be wrong, but it seems like he's been having so many issues lately, likely partly from overuse and partly from bad luck.  At least the ankle brace saved him this time.  It's definitely not the way we expected this season to go, but hopefully he can find his way back soon.  By the way, he's happier at his new school, for sure, which is a big victory itself.

In the end the weekend was a bit of a mixed bag, but it definitely had some high points.  The kids now have a mere handful of school days left--four days this week plus two and a half for Jacob and one and a half for Carter next week.  Jacob is finally wrapping up middle school (for real this time) and Carter will be a year away from finishing elementary school.  Wow.  Add in a weekend family wedding and coming up and we've still got more action ahead.

News and Notes, Lull Edition

It feels a little funny to say we've been in a lull when we have basketball almost every day and soccer three nights a week and Jacob just started a new school and Carter is wrapping up his year with all the things, but that's what it feels like.  We had almost three weeks without travel or any major adventure, and that's probably a really good thing, even if downshifting from adventure is still causing me a bit of angst.

The one thing that was notable over these last weeks was Carter getting to sing the national anthem at the Red Wings game over last weekend.

The band and orchestra accompanied them (off to the right)

They did a great job, not that you can tell from my camera work below.  I was trying to record on two devices so I could post from my phone and have some zoomed shots from my real camera, but it did not work.  I apologize for the mess, but at least you can hear them! 

 

While waiting for the action to return, I tried to take joy in sprouting seeds and a slowly-coming-along-but-stunted garden, which was such a joy during the height of the pandemic.  But we're in that slow, in-between point where things are starting to grow but will still take weeks to get truly impressive.  And wishing that time away is no good because then it'll be July and the peak of summer and I always hate knowing that summer is on the downslope.  I haven't even been able to effectively pull weeds or expect any sort of amazingness because it's been about three weeks since it's rained anything of significance.  We've had a few drops here and there--not even enough to wash the pollen off the patio table.  Things always seem to explode once we get real rain--the hose water only goes so far--but usually it's far later into the summer when we have this problem.  The hose water keeps them alive, but the real growing comes from the rain, I swear.  While the pleasant, sunny weather for a solid couple weeks was nice, it's too early for everything to be so brown!  

Notice I said "was".  For much of this past week, our weather was dominated by Canadian wildfire smoke.  Orange-red ball sunsets have been the norm for a few weeks, and lately we've had some air quality warnings, too.  A few days this week were downright crazy, the worst I've ever seen here.  It was at a point where it was dangerous to everyone, not just people with respiratory issues.  You could even smell it, apparently--not that I would know.  Sometimes even the view across the street looked hazy.  Normally I love the view of downtown Rochester from the new highway flyover, but that was completely obscured on Wednesday, and the sun was a dull red ball during that commute, too.  I'm glad Carter's class got in their Jr. Olympics on Monday because they started keeping the kids inside on Tuesday.  It closed zoos and canceled sports, too.  Soccer was canceled for three days and even high school lacrosse playoffs got moved.  Jacob heard rumors his school could get canceled because so many kids walk to school, but no such luck for him.  It's really shocking to have this happen here.  I've always heard about the orange glow from fires, and while we didn't quite have that, it was definitely yellow.  New York City was full-on orange, though.  Off-the-charts bad.  Even when it was less thick, it casted such a weird glow on everything.  Very filtered, almost imperceptible sunlight casted orange rays through in the windows all day, which is something you usually only get at sunrise or sunset.  It was eerie and a little scary to think about what we were breathing.  I looked at a webcam in Ottawa on Tuesday, much nearer to the source and on a purple "hazardous air quality" level, and it was shocking how bad it looked.  That severity moved to Western New York by Wednesday.  Say what you will about climate change, but the presence of wildfire smoke has gotten worse in recent years around here and this was as bad as I've seen it.  It seems to be getting much better now, though it's still not great.

In the next couple weeks, the kids will finish up school and Jacob will turn 15.  Hard to fathom--a decade and a half.  A year from driving.  Technically old enough to start working.  When you have that first baby you can't even fathom what your life will look like when they become a teenager, and I definitely can't say I imagined we'd be here, going on middle school #3 and sending our kid off to what is essentially a city high school next year.  For starters, in my vision we would have been finishing up that first year of high school right now, but I can't say much of this school journey has gone according to plan!  Not to mention I have this giant six-foot elite basketball player, which probably would not have been my first (lacrosse) or second (baseball) guess, especially given my height.  But here we are.  He insists he doesn't want anything for his birthday except for us to go to Disney for our vacation.  Sigh.  I'm just not sure how to make this work.  For one, Disney (even without park tickets) is expensive.  Two, we know it's oppressively hot (and thunderstormy) in the summer and I'm not sure I want to do that again.  Three, there has to be a way to do what he wants to do at a lower price point.  He really just wants a bunch of resort time with a basketball hoop, pool, and significant downtime.  Not that Carter and I couldn't go off and do fun stuff while we're there, but he would not want that to be an expectation of him.  I'm mostly fine with that, but it also needs to be relatively tropical and feel "special".  He wants to be able to take the boat to Disney Springs.  He wants Dole Whip at the ready.  He wants good food, which admittedly would be a challenge elsewhere.  But is it really feasible?  Ehhhhh.  We spent a lot on basketball travel.  Not that we wouldn't do anything as a result of that--Carter deserves some adventure, too--but that feels like a lot again so soon.  So, we keep trying to think through what might work.  It's not going well.

Speaking of not going well, I still don't have a summer plan for Carter.  His school district camp booked up way earlier than usual and I'm struggling right now with sitting down to tackle the mess that is filling up a summer week-by-week.  With being hybrid and Craig having some flexibility, it's not terrible, but it's also not ideal.  I know we wouldn't need anything until after 4th of July week since my brother and his kids will be in town and I took off, so at least I have a little time beyond these last couple weeks of school.  But I really need to get on tracking down options now.  I really feel like I'm struggling with big things like that right now, almost an ADHD-worthy level of procrastination where I'm unfocused and anxiety-ridden about anything of significance.  I've found myself struggling with writing email drafts or starting big projects at work, organizing Carter's room, posting all of our no-longer-needed stuff on a Buy Nothing page or bagging up donations, plus the aforementioned travel and camp issues.  I'm guessing this is some sort of brain cycle (I've started noticing some of that lately) and I'm hoping it will snap and I'll get back on a productive streak again soon.  

I'll admit I'm missing all the travel and adventure a bit.  I don't miss the aftermath of those busy periods or the stress of planning or execution, yet I find myself aimlessly scrolling through my phone photos looking back on good memories and bemoaning the lack of new photos.  When I go into "dry" periods like this, it always bums me out a bit.  It's fine; things can't always be exciting.  But with the spring we had it's hard to downshift sometimes.  I'm grateful for all I've gotten to do, though.  I just wish I could drop myself back in time in those settings again for a little bit because the day-to-day at home is lacking right now.

I don't know if it's just my brain cycling, or anxiety about our summer setup, or concern with vacation plans, or frustration over Jacob's school and basketball situation, but it's been a bit of a challenging few weeks on the energy and motivation front.  I think I realized when I was doing all of that traveling how much I tended to put things off because of the travel, and once it was over I had to face reality and start working through everything I put off.  I think that's been part of my challenge--feeling guilty that I need to be working on the boring stuff but haven't really been in the mood to do it.  I am probably longing for more travel just because my brain prefers that as a distraction compared to the mundane things of life.  Unfortunately, Jacob seems to have inherited that trait because that's part of why he's been fixated on the vacation thing--he wants to go now to avoid school and basketball and just get a break.  That's definitely not possible so he's going to need to suck it up--as do I--but just because I understand his frustration doesn't mean we get to do anything about it.  We have another week and a half of school, and I have another couple weeks of work before I get a break.  Then maybe we'll start figuring some things out.

Anyway, we got back to some action this weekend--for better and for worse.  More on that in the next post...