20 Years

Continuing last week's theme of undercelebrated milestones, here's another one--our 20th wedding anniversary today.  It ended up not being as uncelebrated as it could have been, however.  We were supposed to have soccer tonight, which would have guaranteed a very understated celebration--we were thinking ice cream after the game--but the game got canceled earlier today due to the return of Canadian wildfire smoke.  Ironically tomorrow's game, which was supposed to be one of three this week, is a rescheduled one from when the smoke overtook everything a few weeks ago.  Because we didn't have a lot of time to plan, we ended up doing dinner out at Olive Garden (when you don't usually get to go there it feels fancy), and then picked the kids up and got ice cream with them as a "thank you" for letting us have dinner alone.  Ha.  Not too bad, but for an anniversary that feels trip-worthy, I think it still qualifies as undercelebrated.  Anyway...

Twenty years is a long time.  Just hearing that makes me feel a little old.  Then the flower girl/ring bearer pictures from the wedding a couple weeks ago added another layer to that.  It's fine--I mean, we're not actually old--but this is still a pretty significant milestone and it represents a significant chunk of our lives.  We both have parents that have surpassed 50 years, so in comparison we've only just begun.  We got married a bit later so I'm not sure that's in the cards for us--and if it is it might be a romantic dinner at the senior home--but 20 at least feels somewhat "older and wiser", I guess...in a good way.  These days it seems like not a lot of people make it here, so it's definitely an accomplishment.

It felt like it took forever just to get to five years, which happened a little over a week after Jacob was born.  We had just brought him home from the hospital the day before so we didn't do much celebrating.  I'm not even sure we had the energy to figure out takeout, but I wouldn't have wanted to cook either, so I'm not sure what we did.  By 10 years, we had two kids (including a newborn).  I just read my blog post about that, and I realized it was still pretty positive because that was just weeks before the worst of Jacob's issues became apparent.  We'd had a couple flashes by that point of what was to come, but the complete decimation of our chaotic but comparatively peaceful home life was still ahead of us.  Our challenges as a couple up until then had been pretty typical and manageable, but I will be the first to say that over the last 10 years our marriage has taken a lot of blows because it's pretty hard to harmoniously work through problems where solutions aren't clear and your personalities each default to a different tactic.  We've disagreed a lot on how to handle Jacob and both felt overloaded a lot of the time, which leads to burnout and a lot of resentment when things feel unbalanced.  We've managed, but suffice it to say that romance can be hard to come by when you're stressed.  We haven't been away without kids for more than a couple nights at a time since Jacob was born, which probably means we could use some extended couple bonding time to remember how much fun we can really have by ourselves.  Hopefully someday soon, especially now that we have an anniversary to pin it on.

While I was aware of the years continuing to pile up after 5 and 10, life was too busy to do much more than pause for a moment to appreciate it and try to find a quick way to celebrate with dinner out, which wasn't always easy.  Nowadays we can leave the boys for the evening, so that part is getting easier--it's just working around everyone's schedules that's gotten harder.  Maybe it didn't feel like time was flying when we were in the midst of these past 10 years, but looking back, that period has gone faster than ever and it's crazy to realize two whole decades have passed.  That's a lot of years and a lot of experience, and sometimes I still feel too young for any of it. 

I'd love the chance to just hop back in time to that week, to relive what seemed like a pretty perfect day and a dream-come-true honeymoon.  That time just seems simpler and lighter and more carefree, for obvious reasons--no kids, no COVID, less political strife, fewer health concerns, more living relatives, and our whole world laid out in front of us, going into it together with that special invincibility of two people who just had the best day of their lives.  We had such an amazing wedding day, followed by a family picnic the next day (which was nice because I probably didn't get to talk to my relatives much at the wedding), and we left for our honeymoon the day after that.  It was such a fun few days followed by a week of surreal, exciting, and relaxing bliss.  Not to mention that two weeks off work at that point was nearly unheard of for me, and it was downright incredible after the stress of wedding planning and a couple years of very long work days and busy seasons.  I also hadn't been on a plane since I was nine, so flying across the country was pretty unreal for multiple reasons.  Going anywhere interesting, let alone to entirely new climates and places, was so much fun.  We watched our honeymoon camcorder video a couple years ago for the first time in ages, and it was pretty entertaining.  I remember so many of those moments, but seeing them like that brought everything back even more vividly--and was a clear reminder that we were so young (and euphorically silly) at the time!

As I looked through our wedding pictures in preparation to write this, it just blows my mind how we can still look a lot like that young couple in the pictures, but yet so much has changed.  A few pounds here, a couple smile lines there, and for Craig, a little less hair.  And why did I think I was fat back then?  I was deliriously happy all day, and you can pretty much see that in the pictures.  But looking back I think I spent half the day just trying to make it through a series of rituals that I'd spent half my life watching other people do, and now it was my turn.  I never liked being the center of attention--although doing it on the day you're the most beautiful woman in the room isn't half bad--so I think a lot of that day had a preoccupation with doing things that I'd probably otherwise consider embarrassing, but I knew it was my duty to do them.  I just wanted to get married, but part of that was taking a deep breath and smiling through any awkwardness as I walked down the aisle...did the first kiss in front of everyone...fed each other cake...danced...all things that would probably mortify me on a regular day but had to be okay that day.  And I promise, they were...I had a blast.  But 20-years-later me is sort of impressed I made it through all of that!

Nowadays I watch weddings with a little bit of nostalgia, a little bit of jealousy, and a little bit of concern.  I think back to that amazing day and how much fun it was, and I'm so glad someone else gets to have their dream come true.  I'm sad that we can't relive ours or be those bright-eyed kids again.  But I also watch it all with this nagging knowledge that it only gets harder from there.  I know that sounds jaded and sad, but it's true.  That day is wonderful and amazing, maybe to only be equaled by the birth of your kids or select few big milestones.  The day-to-day pales in comparison, and there's a lot more of that than the exciting stuff.  Almost everyone goes into their wedding day thinking they've got this figured out and they'll be fine, and yet...statistics show about half are wrong.  Maybe it takes a year, maybe it takes 10, maybe it takes 40, but it happens.  Even 20 years in it scares me a little, not because I doubt us or anyone else we see get married, but because life is unpredictable.  People and circumstances change.  When I find out someone we know is divorcing, I always wish I could ask what happened so I could have one more nugget of knowledge in my back pocket to keep in mind for my own marriage.  We know the obvious ones like treat each other well and don't cheat, but when you hear about ones that faded away slowly or something just flipped years in, those are the scary ones.  What was the first dent in the armor?  What was the first sign of trouble?  Even 20 years in I overthink all of that because I don't want to miss little things that could suddenly turn into something big.  

I can't say I'm a marriage expert, but at this point it's very clear that it takes a lot of upkeep.  Most of it is "good work" and can be fun, but some is harder.  It takes keeping your eyes open and seeing your spouse through their strengths and weaknesses.  It takes picking up the slack but knowing when the balance is unnecessarily out of whack and righting it before it becomes a sticking point.  You have to support one another, and while that's not always going to be even, it needs to be honest--don't take more from your spouse than you actually need.  I saw something the other day about giving your spouse your "number" for the day and communicating that you need them to offer up more than the usual 50% when you're running low, just for that day.  I don't remember what their solution was for when you're both below 50 and can't reach 100, but I feel like it wasn't a sufficient explanation for me.  I liked the concept, but whatever the end was, it rang a little hollow.  Because I won't lie, lately we've both been running below 50 pretty regularly, mostly because of our morning and basketball struggles with Jacob.  It feels like survival mode more than we'd like.  We're getting through but I know we probably need to be proactive sooner rather than later to recharge.  I guess it's a good sign that I know that, right?  When someone gives up or doesn't care, that's when you know there's trouble.  We're not there, thankfully.  Sometimes there's the temptation to let it ride and be okay with the low periods until you get through the hard parts, but I'm sure there are people who have done that and come out the other side completely alienated from one another.  I don't want to risk that either.  It's a daily challenge to be a good spouse, but I guess luckily we both have a lot of empathy for the other right now because we're both struggling.  It's not the best thing to bond over, but for now maybe it's enough.

I think looking at our pictures as I get older increasingly reminds me how young and naive I was.  That girl had no idea what she was getting into.  She was happy and in love and everything made sense, so that was all she needed.  She said the vows and meant them, but definitely didn't picture some of this stuff.  I suppose in a lot of ways it's like what most couples go through when they have kids--you think you're ready, but you're never really ready.  Mind you, that's totally okay.  It's how the world works--if any of us knew what was ahead in marriage or parenthood we'd be paralyzed in fear.  Clearly I wasn't totally unprepared--we've made it work this long so the tools were obviously there.  But older me feels slightly embarrassed that younger me thought she had it all figured out.  

I don't mean for all of this to sound negative.  I feel really blessed that we've made it this far.  It's been a heck of a ride and we've made a ton of memories.  I wish things had been a little easier at times and that we had a little more flexibility to get that alone/recharge time we've desperately needed, but we're still here.  It's just a lot clearer now, 20 years in, that youthful euphoria only goes so far, and once the figurative honeymoon is over, there's a lot more to marriage than meets the eye.  It's a privilege to get to this point--many worthy people were denied that chance--and in the end it's worth the work.  It's special to have the opportunity to share so much of your life with one person and I'm thankful we have that.  I just can't quite believe it's been 20 years (plus two).

And now, just for fun...

Happy Anniversary Craig!