Fifteen.

Dear Jacob,

A decade and a half.  Man...a decade seemed like a big deal and now here we are halfway through another one.  This one was quite a roller coaster of a year.  You've never really allowed things to get dull, but this one might have taken it to a new level of white-knuckle action.

So...last year's letter talked about the new school situation, and I guess I could just copy and paste a lot of that, because here we are again!  It's too bad the Northstar leap of faith didn't work out.  As guarded as I was about that change, for a lot of reasons, I was hopeful it might work out to be an unlikely fit--that even though on paper it didn't look perfect, that between basketball and the smaller community, the stars might align in just a way that would have worked for you.  Sadly, that was not the case, in really any form.  Academically, there were a lot of struggles.  Socially, it just wasn't a fit.  And while basketball showed a lot of promise and ended with a couple really awesome moments, even that wasn't quite what we thought it would be.

Academically, it became clear pretty quickly that the daily full courseload was going to be a challenge.  You had grown used to the every-other-day schedule and that breathing room for assignments clearly fit you better than a daily dumping of homework from every class.  Ninth grade work proved challenging, and the manner in which it was taught was...less than ideal.  I never thought I'd get grumpy about a Christian education, but here we are.  Part of being a Christian in the world is understanding how our beliefs differ and how we can still be a light when we're different, and I feel like so much of what was taught was stuck in its own little world where there isn't room to question or compare in a fair manner.  The entire setup just seemed to highlight your struggles with school work--between having issues with what you were learning and the way it was being taught, to the volume of work (especially "busy" work) you were receiving.  It put your motivation pretty low and made our job tougher, too, since you never wanted us to hassle you, but we felt compelled because we knew you probably weren't calculating properly how much time things would take.  That is one skill that ADHD has made very difficult for you.

Socially, I don't know that things could have been much worse.  This was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back and forced you out, because it was clear that every day was a mental struggle for you.  I knew that being in a school full of kids with a different ideology might be tough, and while it might not have been an issue initially, I think the compounding effect over the course of the year might have been too much.  But the low maturity level and the lack of respect you saw and experienced was surprising.  I wish you could have had more frequent school-day interaction with your basketball teammates because I think that might have helped you belong a bit more on a day-to-day basis, but that just didn't work out.

Speaking of basketball, well...that was quite a ride.  The coach situation was unfortunate, that you were stuck playing for a coach that didn't respect your skills or style.  You were somewhat validated when you finally got to play and made it count, but then we were right back to square one when you were taken out early and sat for huge chunks, and especially when you lost your starting spot.  I admired your patience--at least when you were on the bench; home was a different story sometimes--and I think you really showed what was possible when you had some of those pivotal late-season and sectional contributions to the team.  I was really hopeful that would set the stage for next year when you would have to be a big part of the offense after the seniors were gone, but I guess now we'll never know.  And I know the sectional championship still doesn't feel important or special to you--and I get that it validated a coach that mishandled a ton of things during the season--BUT I hope some day you appreciate all that you and your teammates overcame to win.  That sportsmanship award was a nice bonus, too.  I sincerely hope we see more of those runs in the coming years at your new school, and I hope this time it feels more like a team effort.

So, here we are, on to a new school...and not just the one you're in for these few weeks to finish out the year, but yet another new building in the fall.  It means learning alongside another set of kids that are generally different from you, but you seem to think it's already better so I'm hopeful it will stay that way.  Academics will remain to be seen, and basketball should be good, but I'm not sure we've ever had a season go completely according to plan, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  We'll just buckle in for the newest part of this ride and see how it goes.  It's funny, though--between two rounds of 8th grade and now another school change, this whole moving up to high school thing almost feels like an afterthought.  On one hand it's about time (haha), and on the other you've only been at this school for a few weeks so there's no history there to look back on, which leaves me oddly unemotional about this milestone.  As your overly nostalgic mother, I think you for that, I think--I thought I'd be a weepy mess at this point but I guess that will have to wait for your brother's 8th grade graduation, which should follow a more conventional path and will be our last on top of it.

You and I definitely had an interesting spring.  Even though our travels weren't easy and mostly didn't turn out the way we'd hoped, I'm still grateful I had that time with you.  It's rare, and I think we did have some positive memories.  I had fun seeing a different part of the country with you, and even though some of the touristy stuff didn't happen quite as pleasantly as planned, I'm thankful for those experiences too.  Even if you don't understand or appreciate them, I do, and I will always savor the good parts of those moments and that they're tied to you.  I hope someday you learn to find some extra joy in your "business trips" because life is too short to be all business all the time.  There's so much to see and do in the world, and you might as well make the most of it when you have the chance.  I'm sorry that our differences also meant that the Disney trip last year wasn't exactly your cup of tea, but hopefully we can find a good compromise this year.

I'm super sad that it's been such a frustrating basketball run for you these past few months.  A series of injuries was the last thing you wanted or needed when you were SO ready to break out with this team.  You were finally with the organization you wanted to be with, playing with guys you liked and believed in, and everything pretty much went to crap after one game.  As frustrating as that was by itself, I feel like that set a lot of dominoes in motion that carried the frustration over to other areas in life.  You couldn't play so you didn't have that outlet, you couldn't get yourself conditioned the way you expected to which makes it harder to play at the level you want to, and then you had to spend time doing extra stretches and training that cannibalized your time to do school work and sleep, which led to a lot of frustrations around the house, and more than likely made the odds of you getting healthy even harder by adding to your sleep deprivation and stress.  It's been a whole mess of fights and excuses and roadblocks all spring, and I know we're all pretty darn ready for a break.  It's coming, thankfully--at least summer break will take a couple things off the agenda for a bit.  But I don't want us to live like this, so I hope we can find a system that works for all of us by next September.

I saw a random reel last week that illustrated a real-life scenario of something called Pathological Demand Avoidance.  It's where someone's request or suggestion to do something causes a disproportionate negative response that makes that person illogically opposed to doing that thing.  I honestly think that's what we have had going on.  It would explain why you told us repeatedly this year that you were going to do your homework until we asked you to do it and now you're not.  Or why you purposely stay in bed after we check in on you in the morning despite you being halfway out of bed already when we got there.  It would explain a lot of why you bristle at our suggestions to clean up the empty bottles in your room or the snack bags by the couch, even though those are necessary and reasonable asks.  I'm trying to keep that in mind when we have those issues, that it's essentially an involuntary reflex...but one that we need to work on, for sure!  But I hope someday you understand the challenge that it is to keep you accountable and do our parental duty without overstepping into this reactionary zone.  I've been learning a lot of casual little nuggets about ADHD lately through social media, and while it doesn't necessarily give me answers, it does help me understand why things sometimes feel really hard from your perspective.  I'm trying to be patient, I promise.

I read a thoughtful essay on social media the other day that encouraged parents to think about how we're spending time with our older children with whom we have such limited time left.  Are we just nagging and arguing all the time? (Yes.)  Or are we trying to just "be" and be supportive, so you know we always have your back and there's always love to come back to no matter what?  I have probably failed at this time and time again, and said as much when I shared it.  I do need to do better at trying to tame the arguments--though laying off your brother and being at least a little cooperative would help a ton since I can't let you grow into a feral, rude human--because I want you to know you're loved and supported even as we're trying to mold you into a quality person.  I had people comment about how it's clear we're doing a good job (clearly they don't live with us), and even had one person message me assuring me that in working for a school district they see a lot of failed parenting and we're not it.  I get it, but your perspective matters, maybe more than anything, and I'm pretty sure you don't think we're doing too fantastic of a job most of the time.  Now, teenage perspective is honestly always a little skewed from reality--trust me on that, all of us adults were much the same once upon a time--but I hope that once your brain is fully developed and you come out the other side you can see all we've done, or at least tried to do.  This stage of parenting has challenged me as much as when your behavior issues started when you were five, and I worry a lot that I don't know how to help you through some of your struggles.  Most teenagers don't listen to advice or reason, but you're chemically programmed to reject it even more than most, and that sucks.  For all of us, honestly--it's hard for us but maybe even harder for you since it may mean a lot of hard lessons to learn on your own terms.

You definitely have a focus and a plan for yourself, which is admirable and impressive for someone your age.  I had no clue about a lot of things in life right up through college.  I might have had a vague idea, but you have the goal and the path in mind already.  Whether or not it turns out to be doable remains to be seen, but I give you credit for getting that far.  I just urge you to have some flexibility and maybe a backup plan just in case things don't go according to plan, because life is sneaky like that.  I feel like you should know that by now given how some of your basketball and school experiences have gone, but you keep insisting it will work out.  For your sake, I hope it does.  And if it doesn't, just know we'll be here to help.  We may not always agree on things, but we are always in your corner, and we're excited to see where you go in the coming years.  Just keep your head on straight and don't always just assume we're clueless, because we have lived through these stages before ourselves.  It may not look the same, but a lot still applies.

I'm sorry that your actual day today probably won't be the most exciting one you've had, but hopefully we can continue to celebrate you as the late-requested gifts arrive and we finally figure out how to get you the vacation you're craving so badly right now.  Big kid birthdays definitely look a little different.  I don't miss the fear of fitting more toys into the living room--fitting clothes in your closet is much simpler--but a lot of what we do now feels insufficient to celebrate what is still a momentous day.  It's the day you were born and the day you made us parents.  It changed our lives--and brains and hearts--forever, and it's hard to believe we're already getting to the home stretch of your time under our domain.  In some ways that day seems like not that long ago, and in others it is a literal lifetime ago.  So much has changed, and yet much of the fear and cluelessness is still there, just a bit evolved.  We can't imagine our lives without you and can't wait to see where you go in the years to come.  I'll just keep praying for patience for all of us!  Happy 15th Birthday, Jacob.

Love,
Mom