Looking Back, Looking Ahead

So, Christmas was a good day.  If that was all I ever knew of Christmas, it would have been perfectly lovely.  It was a pleasant day, very relaxing and full of fun moments.  We played, we watched, we ate, we tried to make memories.  All of it was nice, and the boys even mostly cooperated by not driving each other nuts.  We had a much-needed good day in the midst of a period where not a lot of days have felt particularly good.  I know we're so much better off than so many people in the middle of this pandemic, but I can't say I've gotten to the end of most days over the last nine months and felt like I did a great job as a parent, mostly just because I don't know how to deal with two incompatible kids for hours on end every day while managing work and other parts of life all contained in one house.  We have limited diversions, which leads to boredom, which leads to other methods of creating excitement...and my kids have mastered the most frustrating version of that.  Christmas was a one day break from most of it, presumably because the kids were preoccupied with new stuff and had plenty to focus on without getting bored enough to bug each other for entertainment.  

As I've said previously, I used to feel bad for people who didn't have family to visit with on Christmas.  I think for people who have never had that, the lazy day in pajamas is probably pretty perfect.  But when you've had that family connection--particularly when it's all you've ever known--and then don't, that quiet day definitely has some missing pieces.  More gifts are always fun, of course, but it's those connections you make--sharing awesome food, having a couple too many drinks, reminiscing, teasing, catching up, watching the little kids--that mean so much more.  I have amazing memories of sitting on the floor at my grandma's house with all my cousins, just waiting for our turn to open a gift.  Here are my two favorites examples, in fact:

Looks like my grandma was opening something here, but you can see 9-year-old me with what might be my all-time favorite Christmas gift, my Hot Looks doll.  I wanted it SO bad!  

I was Carter's age here, and got one of my other favorites, my Day-to-Night Barbie Home & Office.  Sorry my one-year-old cousin is blocking the shot!  The more I think about it, Grandma practically was Santa!  The best, and potentially least practical, gifts almost always came from there!

But yes, we were all as crammed on the floor as it appears!  And we're pretty much still like that now that it's my uncle's house, only there's a little more floor space and we have fewer kids to relegate there, so the most agile adults (or the ones with kids) tend to end up there.  I also have fun memories of coming into my other grandma's house (sometimes before the gathering above, sometimes after--but almost always on the same day) and getting excited at the sight of the pile of perfectly wrapped gifts.  There were fewer cousins to make memories with there (most lived out of town) but I still enjoyed just being around family and appreciating that the pace was a little slower for a bit.  Once my grandma passed away and my uncle started fading due to dementia, that gathering went away, and I still miss it.  I don't mind an extra couple hours of relaxation in the midst of a couple busy days, but I would gladly go back to that non-stop marathon if it meant more family time.  

And that's basically where I ended up this year--there was nothing wrong with our day as a stand-alone event, and the chill time was nice, but when I know what the alternative is, I miss it and would gladly give up the relaxation for the crazy family time we know and love.  I really, truly hope we can get back to a normal, safe celebration next year.  I think everyone needs it after the year we've had.  

Of course, after that pleasant day, getting back to our "normal" was a bit of a letdown.  The arguments resumed, the screen time battle was just as bad despite all the new toys, and I even had a vacation day interrupted by some work that had to get done (followed by a full, scheduled work day).  I feel like I should be more productive, especially after reading some posts from past years about all the reorganization and furniture assembly that sometimes takes place this week.  Right now I feel like I need to do a whole lot of nothing, aside from finally sorting through a bunch of donations and looking around for more to add.  If I get that done this week, it will be a victory.  I think with the year we've had, this break is about more than not working.  Normally it's nice to just be home and have some time to get things done.  But when I've been almost nothing but home for nine months, allowing my brain to shut out everything--work, home projects, the endless list of cleaning and decluttering--is more important.  I need to be smart, of course, and do what I can to minimize regret once my free time is limited again, but the need for the mental break is clear as day to me right now.

One of our biggest challenges in the past week is that Carter is skittish around Jacob, even though Jacob's isolation was over as of Monday and he's likely not contagious anymore.  He'll still wear a mask when he's near him and Jacob takes serious offense to Carter's refusal to be around him.  We can't really blame Carter, but sometimes he does take it to an extreme and it can get frustrating since he's probably in the clear now.  Jacob is also in a bit of denial about his positive test.  Sometimes he insists it was a false positive, sometimes he insists one of us gave it to him.  It's super frustrating when he accuses Carter of giving it to him, or insists Carter (or any one of us) is actually positive.  That was part of our problem in the days after the positive result came in, because we felt like we had to have been exposed but didn't know for sure, and Jacob basically refused to keep his distance because he was convinced we already had it.  But, come to find out, none of us did, so he could have been putting us in danger.  Yet he refuses to deal with the reality of that and continues to get mad when Carter avoids him.  Lately with so many people spouting off on social media about how badly kids need to go to school and play sports, I almost feel compelled to remind them that it's not just about the physical impact of COVID, if God forbid they should get it from those activities.  There is a mental toll as well, one that no kid should have to carry--Will they get sicker than expected?  Will there be long-term consequences?  Will they infect their family? Their friends? Their teacher or coach?  Will they be locked in their room for days?  Will people want to be near them once they come out?  I've seen Jacob grapple with stresses like these, and even he can't say if it was worth it to play basketball knowing it might be why he got infected.  It's a lot to consider for a kid, and while I know there are a lot of mental health concerns right now, they don't all stop if kids can go to school or play sports. That might just be the beginning.

We finally got Carter's result on Sunday, and it was negative as well.  On Tuesday the three of us got retested in the hope that we'll all get results by New Year's Day or the weekend, which would allow us to hopefully resume our Christmas celebrations. Since I'm supposed to be going to the baptism the following weekend, it would be great to get it done now if we're all still negative.  Jacob can't get retested since he could shed the virus for months, but I guess if we really wanted, there is some sort of lung test the doctor can do.  I don't know if that works for someone who had no lung symptoms, though, so I guess we're just going to rely on the end of the isolation order and assume he's safe to be around.   We'll still try to be very careful, of course, but I think we'd all feel a lot better to make that stuff happen now before Christmas feels extra far away.

So, here we are with about 30 hours left in the oddest year we've ever experienced.  I know most people are happy to see this year go, but the realist in me knows we're still in for a long haul in 2021.  Even in a normal year, there's always a part of me that hates to see a year end.  I'm not sure if it's regret of what I didn't do, or fear of what might be ahead (i.e., why are we so eager to say goodbye to this year when we have no idea what's coming?), but I think both of those apply quite heavily here.  There was so much we didn't get to do this year and I feel like it puts pressure on upcoming years to start making up for it.  On the flip side, even just in the last week or two there has been so much loss in the news and even among friends, and it's not all magically going to go away as the calendar flips.  This coming year will have its share of challenges, too, no doubt.  We can hope for better days ahead, obviously, and I'm hopeful we can start the year with some good stuff--the rest of our Christmas, a mini-road trip for me (what's a road trip?!), and a very special baptism of a very special baby.  Of course, all of that still hinges on our test results, so I guess we'll likely go into this new year feeling just about as paralyzed as we did for most of the old one.  But there's hope.  And right now, it has to be enough.

Home for the Holidays

Years ago, on this very blog, I bemoaned the fact that we never got to have a "real" Christmas morning at home.  Our first year in this house, when Jacob was two and starting to grasp Christmas, I officially figured out how we were going to do our own Christmas at home.  Ten years later, what I had hoped for has actually become our norm, which was actually sort of fun to read and realize.  But a few years after that first post, I had a moment of weakness where I questioned how we were doing things.  I think it coincided with a few years where we did our gift opening in the early evening on the 23rd when the kids came home from school/daycare, just so we could get on the road that night or first thing on the 24th, which left us more time with family and a little less rushing on Christmas Eve itself.  Those afternoon gift opening sessions, while fun and purposeful, lacked the routine and tradition that I was craving.  Instead, Santa was coming unceremoniously in the middle of the day (which probably wouldn't have been believable for long anyway), and we were rushing through gifts, assembling toys while I made dinner, then packing up and rushing off right at bedtime, which likely started a couple rough nights of sleep off even rougher.  It just wasn't working, and I think that's what prompted that wish that we could just have a chill Christmas at home.  I wanted our own traditions in our own space, and that hadn't happened yet.

Eventually we settled into our current routine, which I appreciate so much now that I used it as my "share" during our work Christmas party (via Zoom) where we all shared a favorite memory or tradition.  I shared my initial frustrations and how, against all odds, we've made our own unlikely traditions at home.  We now use Christmas Eve Eve as our Christmas Eve, right down to church in the evening and cookies for Santa before bed, then get up on Christmas Eve morning and treat it as our Christmas morning.  We take a picture at the top of the stairs, we open presents, we eat cinnamon rolls, and eventually get ourselves dressed, packed, and ready for Buffalo by somewhere around lunch.  And then we get to Buffalo in time to start family gathering #1.  And for many years now, it's gone well.  Sometimes I do wish the kids had more time to enjoy their presents at home before we leave them for a couple days, but that's what the week after Christmas is for, right?  In case I had any doubts, Jacob is all about our setup, and I love that we have built a tradition that seems to mean as much to him as my childhood Christmas routine meant to me.  And three days of presents isn't half bad either!

In that blog post seven years ago, I did end up concluding that family time was more important than anything else, including having any sort of slower paced time to savor the holiday in our own home.  Our current older generation of family will only be around for so long, and the dynamic could change after that, so we really do appreciate the time we have left with our current setup.  In the years since that blog post, we've had a couple close calls with illness, where we thought colds or fevers or stomach bugs were certain to prevent us from traveling and leave us trapped at home.  Luckily that never did end up happening and we always recovered enough to go.  And then we hit this year.  

The good news, of course, is that our extended family gatherings were already canceled, so we were just missing time with our immediate families, which we should eventually still be able to do in some form.  It might feel a little different, but that family time is always more important than what day it happens on, which is what I learned six years ago when we opened gifts with my parents at our house sometime before New Year's when they came back from Portland.  It was still a lot of fun and it didn't matter it was so far past Christmas.  If anything, it was cool to extend the festivities.  So on that front, I wasn't really worried about our change in schedule aside from just not knowing when we'd finally cram in those gatherings, since we have no idea what our next round of tests will show and I have the baptism out of town in a couple weeks.  We weren't missing as much as usual, and assuming we stayed healthy, we could make the most of this one time (hopefully) at home.

I could not wait to be done with work after the 23rd because I just needed that one day on Christmas Eve to finish things up and chill a bit.  I was filling my evenings prior with things like cookie baking and wrapping, and I just felt like I hadn't really settled into the Christmas spirit.

I used my mom's recipe this year, but with gluten-free baking flour, and they were so much better than the other recipes I've tried in past years with existing GF baking mixes.  I was so nervous about gluten-free flours for years, but Bob's Red Mill is legit.  Not only were these endlessly easier to roll out, but they behaved themselves so much better in the oven.

In my post-work relaxation, I also got fancier with decorating--instead of frosting them all and sprinkling with colored sugar, I used almost every type of sprinkle in my pantry and piped on some frosting.  Maybe I can do royal icing next year!

On Christmas Eve, it felt so good to not have to set an alarm or stay on any sort of schedule.  I have never been so ready for my kids' Christmas break as when we have to do part time teacher duty!  A break was much needed all around.  And ironically, despite being home so much more for home school, we still struggled with keeping up on the advent calendars.  Still, my homemade one (despite not spacing the numbers quite right) turned out pretty good!

  

It's always sort of amazing to me how slow the first few days of the calendars seem, then how quickly everything gets filled up/opened up.  Yet there's always a mixed sense of disbelief/relief when we finally get to the 24th.  It's going faster every year--even this one.  

We started Christmas Eve with a Tim Hortons' drive-thru run (though sadly they were out of candy cane donuts) for drinks and donuts.  We watched some movies and relaxed a bit during the day.  The boys got festive with fun shirts.  After online church and a shrimp scampi dinner, we let each boy open one gift since I think they missed our usual Christmas Eve opening!

Carter's shirt is Star Wars themed and says "Merry Sithmas", with all the bad guys caroling.

Jacob is obsessed with nutcrackers, so he got a shirt that says, "What's Crackin'".  The pants from the pajamas he received last year matched it perfectly.

Carter opened up a children's book based on "The Office".  Jacob received a small strip of LED lights for his room.  We'll see how that strip goes before we try to figure out something longer.

I whipped up my cinnamon rolls in the evening so they were ready for the oven in the morning, and once that was over, out came the traditional cookies, milk, and carrots for Santa before bed.

Eventually the boys fell asleep and I was finally able to start getting ready for our first real Christmas morning!  

This year's mantle, so I don't repeat it next year!

Santa came!

One of my favorite things to do is just sit in the dark with all the lights on before going to bed.  

I enjoyed the view of both trees...

...and then played around with the light colors since Jacob was in bed and couldn't insist on white lights, which he now considers "traditional" for Christmas, since that's the color that has presided over every Christmas we've had.

This tree really did turn into a mood tree...each day felt like something different, though oddly I never felt like teal, purple, or patriotic...but even the odd icy blue got a turn or too.  Maybe next year when we don't have red garland I'll be a bit more adventurous.

As much as I love old school incandescent multicolor, I'm considering doing white on the dining room tree next year so Jacob insists on less white on the main tree!

We were hopeful for some snow overnight since there seemed to be a system coming through, but unfortunately, while Buffalo got a pretty good dump of 3-6 inches, we got zilch.  We did end up with a few inches 24 hours too late, but it was funny seeing Buffalo friends and family post pictures while we sat here with nothing.  They actually got pounded even worse on the 26th, so maybe it was extra good we weren't there!

We got to sleep in a decent bit on Christmas morning, but once the kids were up, obviously they were eager to get to the gifts!

The annual picture!

Up first were stockings, with the usual assortment of fun Five Below candy and some other favorites.  

I happened to notice on my first Five Below stop that fruity Mentos, which Jacob used to love but that had wheat flour in them, now are gluten free!  So I bought him a couple rolls (which obviously confused him upon opening), and then saw a different fruit flavored roll on my next Five Below visit, so he got one of those, too!  He also got a box of candy cane sticks perfect for hot cocoa, which he was really excited about.  Carter got some Spongebob gummy Krabby Patties and a giant Payday candy bar, which he found out he liked when he got one in his Halloween bag.  They always get gold coins and the six pack of soda pop candy (another Five Below staple, which is so good I got one for myself this year!), among other fun.

Then it was on to the gifts!  Carter finally got Pop the Pig, which he's been asking for for at least a couple years.  It's actually sort of nice because a single game only lasts about five minutes, so it's an easy one to say yes to playing!

Jacob has been stealing my sherpa blanket since I got it for Christmas last year, so now he has one of his own, and it has a basketball on it.

As I mentioned before, Jacob is really into nutcrackers.  He got a basketball one last year and was begging for another.  I kept saying no, but once it was getting clearer we might have a very limited Christmas, I began to consider getting him a new one.  I didn't want it to be just any one, though, as I don't exactly want to fill my house with nutcrackers.  I saw this football one when I was out last weekend but didn't get it.  Then I thought better of it and decided to get one, but the different location I visited only had a couple somewhat flawed ones.  When I did my post-diagnosis, low-contact outing on Monday, there was yet another location of the store across the parking lot from my curbside pickup.  I knew I could get in and out in less than five minutes, and knowing Jacob would need as much Christmas cheer as possible under the circumstances, I ran in and luckily they had one!  His face when he opened it was pretty classic, particularly since I'd so emphatically said no all season.  So now basketball guy (visible in the background) has a buddy. 

Jacob also got a Patrick Ewing jersey, a framed, autographed photo from one of his other favorite players, a copy of NBA 2K17 (don't ask me--thankfully it was cheap), a shirt, a new Nerf basketball, a white Lego plate, and a basketball s'more ornament he picked out on one of our shopping trips...mostly because I couldn't find a Simpsons ornament.

In addition to Pop the Pig, Carter got a bunch of books (three Star Wars, one Spongebob, and one from a sports series we've gotten from the library before (that one was a freebie from a cereal box offer), a Playmobil remote control car, a Hot Wheels garage (NOT the giant one with the dinosaur), an obnoxious voice changer thing, a set of Hexbug Nano bugs with a whole track/obstacle setup, a make-your-own crystal set, and a Minecraft ornament.  I'd say they both did pretty well!

As for Craig and I, we both did pretty well, too.  Craig's first gift was a Scooby-Doo puzzle I got on clearance from Wegmans a few months ago.  He loves Scooby and I figured it would be a fun add-on gift.  We actually put it together yesterday, but alas, somehow ended up a piece short!  We're still on the hunt but no sign of it yet.  My first gift was a DVD of the movie Splash, which was one of my favorites as a kid.  Craig's big gift was something he's wanted for a long time, a Lego-style building set of "The Office".  He was thrilled!  

My big gift was a Nintendo wanna-be video game console, which we're still trying to figure out a bit!  It has hundreds of games on it, but definitely has its quirks.  We're actually still trying to find all of the Super Marios (my games of choice), but supposedly they're there somewhere!

I found it pretty funny that we all ended up with something to play with this Christmas, but unlike most years we had the time to actually start doing it right away!  Well, my playing was a little later since I had some cinnamon rolls to bake and Christmas dinner pie to make!

Carter figuring out his nano bugs

Craig putting together his "Office"

Jacob waiting for his game to load

One of my biggest panics when the positive test came through was that we didn't have what we needed for a reasonable Christmas dinner.  I managed to put together a decent menu within a day and got everything via grocery curbside pickup.  We had a small quarter ham, mashed potatoes (from a box, but oh well), corn, drop biscuits, canned cranberries (Jacob's favorite--and admittedly, I thought their sweetness paired well with the ham), and sparkling grape juice for the kids.  I actually got the juice for New Year's Eve, but Jacob wanted it with dinner and I can just get another bottle for next time.  Ours wasn't  exactly my mom's fabulous meal, but it worked for us and was pretty easy to make.  I also made a three-layer chocolate pudding pie for dessert, although we ate so much it ended up being our dinner--ha!  

I used real serving dishes and everything!

I opened up a bottle of my favorite wine, and at the last minute spied in the crawl space one of my gifts from last year, a Christmas Vacation moose glass!  I had to bring it up for my drink!  It made me smile and definitely felt more festive!

After our mid-afternoon meal, we did a pretty lengthy Zoom with my parents, my brother, and his kids.  It was good to see everyone and enjoy a little family time in the midst of the Christmas chaos (here and at my brother's, anyway).  It wasn't quite like in-person but it wasn't a bad replacement--and definitely better than nothing!

As I had mentioned in my last post, my Monday night outing not only finished off our gift buying, but also helped me get the last thing we needed to make our homebound Christmas a little more merry.  From the beginning of the season, Jacob wanted us to get matching attire of some sort.  Maybe pajamas, maybe shirts, just something.  Of course, finding something for two adults, a big kid, and a little kid is tough.  We weren't really excited about any of the matching pajamas we saw, and even then, finding something with the right sizes for everyone was a challenge.  Eventually Jacob and I went out shopping to check a few things, and hatched a plan for Simpsons shirts.  The Simpsons have been a big part of this year (thanks to a number of months of Disney+), and they are definitely Jacob's favorite show right now.  Well, initially we found a shirt for Carter at Old Navy, then found ones for the rest of us online from Target.  The problem was that the adult small from Target ended up being a bit big for Jacob so he was all bummed out that our plan wasn't going to work.  I checked our Old Navy again last weekend for a kids XL of the same shirt we got Carter, but no luck.  When I got home, I decided to call around to the other stores, and determined that I could get my last gift and the shirt at the Eastview Mall locations of both stores...which was great other than being a half hour away, but I figured I'd just go after work the next day.  But literally the moment I got off the phone from putting the shirt on hold I checked my email and saw Jacob's test result.  Ugh.  But with it already on hold I knew the actual purchase would be quick, and my other purchase was contactless curbside, so I figured with the low risk thanks to masking and a very short duration, it was worth the trip to ensure we could have the matching shirts and make that part of Christmas complete for Jacob.  Carter didn't love his but he eventually did consent to wearing it so we could get a family picture.  We have a mishmash of pajama pants, but the shirt thing did work out pretty well!  And for the record, the kids' shirts say, "I've been good-ish".  Appropriate, if we're being honest!

Oh, and while we're sharing family pictures, here's the pic that ended up being our Christmas card picture.  We took it a couple weeks ago after getting home from church, and by some miracle it actually came out perfectly on the first try!

Two good family pictures in three weeks?  Must be a Christmas miracle!

In addition to chatting with my family and Craig Facetiming with his earlier in the day, we also received a phone call from my uncle, who usually hosts the big family gathering, just as we were dishing up our evening pie.  I think he may have been doing the phone rounds as a way to recapture at least a bit of what we were missing out on.  It was nice to connect and commiserate about how much this year is a bummer and how awesome next year will need to be.  I don't usually take it for granted--particularly since losing uncles less than three weeks after Christmas in back-to-back years--but it will mean more than ever next year!  We finished off the night with a viewing of "A Christmas Story", which despite being one of my favorites and being broadcast for 24 hours straight every single year, usually loses out to our crazy schedule.  So at least this year we got to watch it!  And then it was time for bed.  We didn't drop into bed quite as exhausted as usual but I think it was just an "extreme" continuation of the relaxed theme of the day!

All in all, it was a good day.  Was it the Christmas we were hoping for a year ago?  Not a chance.  But was it a decent placeholder?  Sure.  I have more thoughts on this, but since this post is long enough, I'll keep my in-depth analysis of the holiday for my next post.  But it was indeed, against all odds, a Merry Christmas!

COVID Christmas Conundrum

So...it's been a weird few days.  After Jacob's fever on Thursday night, we managed to schedule a test for him through the pediatrician on Friday.  By then he was already feeling much better.  His 99.8 fever dropped to 99.1 before disappearing completely, and his congestion was significantly better.  We did the test anyway, and Craig decided to keep his appointment for Monday for the free state testing that we set up initially, before realizing we could do it through the doctor.  Craig was feeling a little funky on Friday, just a little tired with a headache and some minor GI symptoms, so we thought it was wise to check him out, too.  Since Jacob was feeling much better by later Friday, we felt a little less worried that it could be COVID, but as I finished up my Christmas shopping and did a grocery run I was a bit more mindful that our plans may still be changing.  I did a bunch of random running around, trying to wrap up as much as I could, particularly Sunday in a bit of a panic when some of the last things I needed weren't in stock at the closest locations.  I came home and did some calling around, managed to put one thing on hold across the county at a store really close to another store that had other things I needed, with the plan to go the following night after work.  Well...no sooner did I hang up the phone with the store than I brought up my email and saw Jacob's results were in.  I can't even describe the feeling when I saw the "POS".  Jacob was positive for COVID.  Less than a week before Christmas.  In complete disbelief and quiet panic, I showed Craig and then broke the news to Jacob, who immediately went into complete denial.  I spent a solid hour on hold waiting to schedule tests for Carter and me, which ended up being on Tuesday.  Reality quickly set in that our Christmas would be spent completely at home.  First we lost extended family celebrations, then in-person church, then our immediate family celebrations.  I also panicked a little because I didn't have anything for a proper Christmas dinner, and now we'd be stuck at home for a while.  No time like the present to figure out curbside pickup, I guess.

When I Facetimed my parents to share the news and change in plans, it turned out my mom wasn't feeling so hot either, though she had a negative rapid test that same day.  I encouraged her to go get a real one a couple days later, just because I've heard mixed results on the rapid tests and considering she turned 70 on Monday, there was no time for messing around.  Luckily she got one through her doctor and we found out this morning her result was negative.  Whew.

On the bright side, Jacob's last day of school was Friday (which he missed--thank goodness), but that meant he wasn't missing anything this week.  Carter had to miss his last in-person day, which was a bummer since they did a lot of fun stuff, but his teacher did drop off a nice little bag of treats and activities, plus something he could give us.  Craig and I are both working remotely anyway, so aside from the change in Christmas plans, there was minimal other interruption to life.  In that way I definitely felt lucky.  Also, the fact that Jacob's symptoms only lasted for a day seemed pretty fortunate.  He did mention after the fact that he felt a little extra tired on Wednesday night at basketball training, which probably makes a lot of sense now.  I'm thankful he was masked there.  It was also good he showed symptoms when he did and that we caught the fever so we knew to get him tested.  It could have been disastrous if we chalked it up to a cold and took a mostly asymptomatic kid to Christmas with four aging grandparents, his aunt, uncle, and four cousins.  It could have been so much worse, so I'm thankful it worked out like it did.

We got the call from the county on Monday.  Of course they recommended isolating Jacob in his room, and being masked in the house.  While I understand the recommendations, I was struggling a bit with them.  For one, we'd all been exposed to Jacob for days.  Craig had driven him to school and back and forth for basketball on Wednesday, and I drove him to school on Thursday.  We'd all been around him all week and weekend.  Despite our protestations, the boys were playing tackle football in Jacob's room.  How could we not all be exposed?  

As a side note, if there's ever a worse pandemic, our boys will take us all out.  No matter what we said or did, Jacob would not keep distance from anyone, but most of all his brother.  Even if we didn't know for sure, even if he didn't feel sick, we repeatedly asked him to stay away...to no avail.  Ugh.  It continued even after the diagnosis, but by then Carter was insisting on wearing a mask in the house.

In addition to having had so much exposure to Jacob pre-diagnosis, isolating him was complicated by Christmas week.  Sure, we could leave him in his room all week, but we'd have to let him out by Friday for Christmas.  I'm not going to isolate my poor kid in his room for Christmas.  That's just cruel.  Maybe if we had major complicating factors we'd have to, but our risk is probably relatively low (Craig's history of asthma aside--though I've heard that's not a major factor), so given the prior exposure and inevitable release, we weren't being too crazy with it.

I think the craziest part of this was that I began to think, "Well, if we've all been exposed, assuming we remain symptom-free, maybe it would be good if we all tested positive so we could just isolate and get through it together at once, then have a little less fear about going out and doing things in the future, at least until we're able to get our vaccine."  I could see us going out to dinner, and Craig was fantasizing about going back to the gym.  It just seemed like it might be nice to take that little extra edge of fear off if we all had antibodies as a backup.  We'd still mask and do what we could, but it would make us a little less nervous about those judgment calls.  Heck, I'm supposed to be going to Binghamton in a couple weeks for my future godson's baptism, and it would have been a little less of a worry to travel and stay in a hotel if all of this was behind us.  

We eagerly waited for results for a couple days, constantly reminding Jacob we didn't know anything so he should still be careful.  In the meantime, we finished up work and school (well, sort of--Carter took it easy yesterday so he has a few things to finish up over break), I blew through a little more wrapping, figured out my first curbside grocery order (which gave us what we needed for a decent Christmas dinner), and basically got ready for this alternative version of Christmas.  I did sneak out on Monday night ONLY because I knew that I could get the last gifts we needed with minimal exposure.  One was a five minute store visit to get the item on hold, one was contactless curbside pickup, and then I made a last minute decision to take another five minute, minimal contact stop to a store across the parking lot that I knew could have one last gift I hadn't been able to find on Sunday.  With me masked and everyone else masked, showing no symptoms and properly hand-sanitized, with less than five minutes of socially distanced contact (when 15 minutes with no mask is the standard), the odds of transmitting anything seemed really slim.  And it seemed worth it to finish off our shopping (given all the unknowns) and get the last thing we needed to make our homebound Christmas complete.  So, once that was done, I was done.

Of course, it turned out all of that concern was probably for naught.  Shockingly, when I checked my e-mail one last time last night as Craig was falling asleep next to me, my test result was in!  I couldn't believe mine had beaten his since he was a full day prior to me, but all I could figure was that there was less admin stuff to do with mine since I was already in the system.  Shockingly, mine was negative.  We were very surprised and even more curious about Craig's results.  That sent us into a whole new set of scenarios and questions about what to do with Jacob, how to handle retesting, what that might mean for the baptism if my symptoms or positive test come later, and whether we should be rethinking how we're handling all of this.  I never expected to be disappointed by a negative result, that's for sure!  And I knew it would aggravate Jacob as well since he was already insisting his test was wrong.  Then this morning, Craig checked his phone first thing and his result was in...and we were even more surprised to find that his was negative, as well!  Carter's results will likely take an extra day or two since we can't access the portal for him and need to wait for the state to get them and send them out, but I anticipate his will also be negative.  But at this point, who really knows?! 

As of now, the plan is to schedule tests for a few days after Christmas for all of us.  If Jacob's is negative, we'll assume he's in the clear.  If it's not, we'll at least know his wasn't a fluke and we can isolate longer.  If we come back positive, we'll know we tested too early.  If not, then hopefully we'll be in the clear.  I figure that even if it does come back positive, it should give me enough isolation time to still make the baptism, though obviously I'll have to consider if it's truly safe to cut it that close.  Either way, I'd likely take a rapid test before leaving just to be completely safe. 

It all does beg the question of what's actually happening.  The odds of Jacob's test being wrong are probably slim.  Did we test too early?  Is he just not a super spreader?  Since his symptoms were minimal, it's possible his viral load was low and therefore made it harder to transmit significant amounts to us.  I have no idea if it's possible, but I wonder if we got it in such small doses that our bodies were able to fight it off and it wasn't detectable in our systems.  I have no idea if you can build real immunity that way, but wouldn't it be fascinating if my next blood donation came back with antibodies?  Doubtful, but at this point I'm not sure anything would surprise me. 

So, despite having a few answers as we work our way through a completely unusual Christmas Eve, we're still caught in this weird waiting game.  Assuming symptoms stay away, I think we can still have a fun and very respectable Christmas, even if it will be a far cry from the family-filled two days we usually have.  But there are a lot of unknowns for the days ahead, even if we don't need to go anywhere or do anything.  I am definitely relieved to be done with work for an extra long weekend, then only have one more day before another extra long weekend.  One work day in 11 is pretty great, and much needed right now.  Not to mention the kids' break is actually a break for us, too, for a change.  No early mornings and no homeschooling might actually outweigh the chaos of having them home together at this point.

But as I said on Facebook, nothing really says "2020" quite like a quarantine Christmas.  We always sort of wondered what it might be like to spend Christmas at home, and I guess we're about to find out.

Ghosts of Decembers Past

I've had a number of memories pop up in my feed and my mind these past couple weeks.  A trip to Portland to meet my nephew.  A weekend in Montreal for a lacrosse game.  Our work Christmas party weekend at the indoor water park in Niagara Falls.  The last trip Craig and I took before Jacob was born.  All of those memories have little Christmas memories tied to them.  In Portland we decorated the tree and went to Zoo Lights.  Old Montreal had pretty Christmas lights and bitter winter cold.  The water park weekend had a Christmas party and my morning "moment of Zen" with Christmas lights overlooking the falls on my walk to grab breakfast.  Our Florida trip was full of fun Disney Christmas decorations and Christmas shopping in the parks' shops.  And that's not even touching on the real Christmas-related memories, like the work parties and Christmas concerts and photo shoots near the tree.  All of those things collectively make up our sweet memories of Christmas seasons past--the things we did at different times over the years to prepare for the big day.  I've thought about just spending the holiday looking back at old Christmas pictures and remembering all those great moments in an attempt to mask the fact we're not making as many new memories this year, but I honestly don't know if that will make things worse.  I guess maybe we can at least be grateful for all the good Christmases we've had.

This year those memories feel especially precious, and almost surreal.  It's been so long since we were able to do anything even close to that and seeing them now is bittersweet.  I'm so glad we were able to do those things, but our lack of similar experiences this year is hard.  I feel almost powerless to do anything that might compete with the joy those moments brought.  We can't travel far and we shouldn't do any indoor activities.  I know people say that it's just a matter of making new memories, but as I've shared previously, so many of our memories are tied to family, and some Christmas t-shirts, cinnamon rolls, hot cocoa and presents feel like they're only going to do so much.  Maybe the kids (and possibly even us) will look back on this year with sentimentality because it will be much simpler than usual.  I will say that the lack of stress from the 7-10 extra gifts I'd likely be buying for extended family gatherings has been a nice break in an otherwise stressful year, but I'd still gladly trade it for the real deal.  Maybe years down the road we'll be able to look back and feel okay about it, but right now it's so far below any expectations we might have had a year ago.

Add to it that the world is so divided about gatherings and it just makes it harder.  On one hand, I understand that the loneliness of isolation can be worse than the disease.  On the other, gatherings are known to cause a high percentage of infections, which not only make people ill and can lead to long-term consequences or death, but can also spread it further in communities that are already struggling with overfilled hospitals, overworked essential employees, and economically damaging shutdowns.  And as a reminder, it's not just happening here.  Germany canceled most of its Christmas markets, for pete's sake.  That is a staple of life there, and most towns--even those with the largest, most elaborate setups--are down to some lights in the town square and maybe a booth or two if they're lucky.  So many are sacrificing right now, far beyond our county, state, or country borders.  So what do we do now?  I think we all have to make decisions that are right for us, but I hope those decisions always involve precautions.  If you must see that elderly relative, mask, make the hugs brief, and talk six feet apart.  If you must gather and eat unmasked, try to minimize outings for the week or two prior and keep distance if you can.  If you're okay just doing Zoom for your own sanity and safety, do that.  Families have to make their own choices because this is definitely not a one-size-fits-all scenario, but I hope we can all do it with the knowledge that it's far too easy to spread this virus undetected and we don't want to regret our choices come next Christmas, or January for that matter.  

***************

I started to write this post the other night, and sure enough, tonight Jacob is sneezing and has a low fever.  I'd have to think this puts any Christmas travel firmly in jeopardy.  Assuming he can get a test promptly, which hasn't been the case lately, I'm not sure we'd get the results in time anyway--let alone whether we should actually trust them enough to go even if they're negative.  Looks like we have a lot of decisions to make.  Thankfully the vast majority of my Christmas shopping is done--all gifts are bought except a couple things we'd need if we travel and maybe a couple bonus things for the kids, and I have ingredients to make cinnamon rolls and a couple sets of Christmas cookies at the very least, which should keep the kids happy.  I have no idea how we'll eat all week if we can't go out--online grocery ordering scares me--but I guess we may find out.  This is definitely not how I thought Christmas week would go, but I guess if there's a year to be home sick, this is it--a lot less stuff to miss!

So, as if missing Christmases of the past wasn't enough, things just got a little crazier and what little we had left might have just slipped through our fingers.  What I wouldn't give for some of the usual Christmas stress right now.  I really don't like this new kind.  

So, just for a moment, let's go back...

The Christmas light show at Disney Hollywood (then MGM) Studios in December 2007

Us at Canada in EPCOT...I was 11 weeks pregnant. Ha, we had no idea what was ahead!

Baby Jacob's impromptu photo shoot under the tree in 2008

In Portland with my niece Kate after she helped decorate the tree, December 2011

Zoo Lights in Portland

Lighted trees in Old Montreal in December 2012

Jacob's school toy soldier performance in first grade, December 2014

Our trip to the indoor waterpark in 2018

One of the views on my morning walk in Niagara Falls

Our family photo from that Niagara Falls Christmas party

Carter's toy soldier performance last year

And that's all just from the weeks leading up to Christmas.  I haven't even begun to dig into Christmas itself!  Maybe that'll be something to do when we're stuck at home in the coming days?  Wish us luck and keep us in your prayers...we might need them!

News and Notes, Christmas Spiritless Edition

Geez, it's been 12 days since I've posted.  Predictably, not much is happening right now, yet I feel quite overbusy nonetheless.  

Work has continued to be crazy, which isn't helping as it creeps into my evenings here and there when I can't seem to string together enough focus during the day to get enough work done to meet deadlines.  Jacob has been back to school for a couple weeks since their COVID-induced remote stint and seems to be doing well.  He even made high honor roll!  Carter is...Carter.  On one hand he's been a bit better about getting his school work done, and on the other we got an unfortunate email from his music teacher talking about an incident at school.  On one hand he's been managing rather well with significantly reduced access to devices this week, and on the other he's still trying to sneak off with one or complaining about wanting to get on one at inopportune times.  My goal is to reduce his time enough that his brain slows down, which might help school and discipline issues, and remind him if he wants Santa to bring him toys, he should probably prove he actually remembers how to play with toys.  The final straw for me was the endless arguing we were doing every time he had to get off the devices.  He wouldn't listen, would delay ("I'm just finishing this"...15 minutes later), and generally tantrum every time we had to do bed, school, etc.  Less time = less arguing, simple as that.  Less successful sticking to it this weekend, but it's definitely easier on school days to track his time or use it strategically.

Both kids have been getting on each others' nerves a lot (and in turn ours, too), probably in part because the reduced use of electronics means that Carter is out in the rest of the house playing and generally wreaking havoc with his high energy.  The current battle is that both boys have elaborate setups in the living room.  Jacob's is mainly Lego, and Carter's is something out of Toy Story - a weird combination of army guys, Imaginext figures and forts, magnetic tiles, Playmobil, and whatever else.  Carter likes to do sprints through the house and inadvertently steps on or knocks over Jacob's stuff, which causes Jacob to react by destroying something of Carter's.  They go back and forth like this (and sometimes the "accidents" may be a bit more on purpose) and it turns into this giant battle.  I'm pretty sure the UPS guy probably felt like he should call the cops the other day when he definitely heard us screaming through the window just as a more epic battle than usual broke out.  Sigh.  We can't even get peace in our living room, let alone peace on earth, this time of year.

One highlight was Craig's birthday last Sunday.  Jacob and I had been looking forward to it a lot because I totally scored on a gift this year!  For the longest time, Craig has been wanting The Office-themed version of the board game Clue.  However, it was only available from one store and it was close to $50, which seemed a bit steep for a board game.  But one day that store's ad popped up in my Facebook, and the game was on sale for well within what I would normally spend on a gift, so I couldn't grab my credit card fast enough!  But then I had to sit with the sealed shipping box on the floor in our room for a month since I didn't want to risk opening it and having him even see the shape of a wrapped gift.  Jacob and I had a "yay" moment the night before his birthday as we walked through a game store in the mall and another version of Clue prompted him mentioning The Office version again, and we knew we had a winner!  I also stopped in Five Below the day before and heard someone raving about one of those ring lights, and since lighting has been an issue for Craig's video calls all this time, I figured that might be a fun bonus for just $10.  Sure enough, he loved his gifts!

We celebrated after dinner with some cookie cake, Craig's favorite.  Badly decorated, mind you, but I usually use these kinds of cakes for testing out techniques and practicing.

 

We also played a rousing game of Clue, won by Jacob after Craig slightly misunderstood the rule for making a formal accusation.  But we did have fun, and no arguments or tantrums!  

Speaking of the ring light and video calls, Craig has been spending a lot of time lately doing festive video calls with players in front of the tree for a Christmas social media series coming up.  Turns out the living room window and midday lighting make the ring light unnecessary for this round, but this has been my view from my desk around the corner on days when the kids are both at school.

As usual, Christmas season is screaming right along, although this year is definitely different.  No holiday parties, no school events, and much less shopping.  There are a handful of gifts we don't need to buy because we're not doing extended family gatherings this year.  That has made these last couple weeks a lot less stressful, but it's definitely not a good trade-off.  I know it's important, though.  I see people encouraging gathering because life is short and we shouldn't live in fear, but for me it comes down to this--I'd rather sacrifice this year and hope for next year, rather than find myself personally responsible for the lack of someone next year.  I'd rather do what I think is right and safest, and if God forbid something happens to that person before next year, it wasn't meant to be.  But I'd rather know I did what I could than know I put someone at risk.  Of course, this theory has limits--I'd rather not leave my parents alone for Christmas, for example.  But my aunts and uncles have other family to do that same thing for them--they don't need me to add to their risk. So we hope for next year.

This year, I guess I'm feeling a little...numb.  At times I'm just plain sad, but then I remind myself that we're so blessed to have so much family to be with most years, and as of now, everyone is still healthy.  We have a beautiful new tree that I love, the rest of the house is cozily decorated, and we truly have more than we could ever need.  We can be sad to not see family this year since it really is the heart of the holiday for both of us, but we really shouldn't wallow there because it's just temporary.  We have daily reminders that hundreds of thousands of families are experiencing more permanent loss this year, so our sacrifice seems small.  Despite these challenges, we still have the ability to have a lovely Christmas.  The kids will still do plenty well, and we'll still have some limited immediate family time, even if it's masked.  

The other night I had to pick up some online order gifts for Carter at Target and took the opportunity to shop for two single mom families we adopted through work.  I was buying one gift per kid--settling on Mega Bloks for one kid who wanted building blocks and this awesome LeapFrog laptop/tablet thing for the kid who wanted a light-up toy.  Both moms are struggling with income this year (one is on bedrest for pregnancy and one has reduced work hours due to the pandemic), and it felt like such a responsibility to give these kids wonderful gifts since a shiny, bright Christmas isn't a given for them.  I can't imagine knowing as a parent that I can't afford to make Christmas feel magical for my kids.  I never realized until I was a parent how challenging the Santa thing can be, between trying to keep your kids' expectations in check (because Santa can do anything) and trying to carefully explain how Santa brings such a wide range of gifts to different kids (and in some cases barely anything) without giving away the secret.  I really hope we can do wonderful things for these kids, and bring relief to their moms.  When you have perspective like that, it's hard to feel sad about any part of our holiday.

Like I said, numb is the best way to describe my mood.  Normally by now I feel like I'd be getting into the holiday excitement (stress aside), but without events and other contextual clues, the build-up just feels different.  Christmas music and movies only do so much, and I guess without the extra deep thinking that normally goes into the extra gift buying we're not doing, certain pieces are just missing.  The Christmas lights around town have been much appreciated, but we haven't had much snow so it still feels a little "fake".  But aside from the sadness over the loss of family time, I guess I'm just devoid of other emotion.  I'm just sort of going through the motions, getting stuff done, and and hoping spirit strikes soon.  I'm better than I was a couple weeks ago, for sure, but definitely not where I usually am.  I think part of it is that we've had such a challenging year overall that I've either already exhausted my emotional reserves or am just guarding myself against getting too high or too low.  Since we already know it's going to be a non-standard holiday, I'm just mentally preparing for that.  There's still a chance things could go even further downhill if someone gets sick, so I'm just trying to manage that sadness and worry, and keep any excitement in check so my expectations don't make reality any worse.  It's not that there isn't a hint of excitement or anticipation here or there, but it's just not making it to the surface as easily.

Of course, the problem with all of this is that it's just adding one more thing to the "incompletes" I've mentioned previously - all of the events that didn't happen, the summer without vacations, the gatherings we skipped, all of the traditions that usually make the seasons what they are.  Because so much of that never happened, our perception of time and "life completeness" is just totally off-kilter.  This will just add to it.  If we don't see our extended families, did Christmas really happen?  As it is this whole year feels like a weird waste, or at the very least a long delay on really "living".  I think about how it's pushing back the vacations we really want to do--Disney (which feels harder this week since Craig and I were there 13 years ago right now--today was Animal Kingdom day!), visiting my brother out in Portland, our eventual dream to go to Germany and Poland before Craig turns 50--and so many other smaller things that just couldn't happen this year.  It's just not safe to do that stuff right now, no matter how badly we want to, and I worry about how it will impact our schedules to make things up moving forward.

Incidentally, I realized this week that I think my money philosophies have shifted a bit in the midst of this.  I haven't figured out which factors are contributing the most:

• If it's a touch of depression and not caring
• If it's a "you only get one life" thing and feeling a touch of regret we didn't do more while we could
• If it's less worry over money because we saved a bunch on gas and child care
• If it's resignation that house things are important because we're here all the time
• If it's just grasping at straws by filling the empty places with whatever might bring joy

I'm just more willing to overlook odd purchases, like buying Simpsons Christmas shirts for all of us or spending a little more on gifts, or considering bigger ones, like the trips or the kitchen redo.  I haven't lost all my restraint--I did freak out a bit over the estimate for a new garage door opener (one remote died and $45 seemed expensive for a replacement considering ours is old, but the new price was crazy) and I'm apparently mentally avoiding the task of dishwasher shopping even though dishwashing is the bane of my existence right now.  It's just a funny time and it's weird to see it manifesting itself in odd ways like that.

Oh, and just for the record when I read this back years down the road, COVID cases are crazier than ever (over 600 daily in our county alone, over 200K daily in the country with more than 2,000 deaths), and I guess we're lucky the state is trying to be flexible to keep businesses open right now.  I feel like everything feels essential with Christmas less than two weeks away.  We did have a close call because a kid at Jacob's basketball training tested positive this past week.  Unfortunately, we didn't find out until eight days after exposure and couldn't get a test scheduled before Monday, at which point we would have officially been past the quarantine date anyway.  Because they're masked and it was a slim chance there was extended exposure, and since we're masked everywhere we go, we weren't too worried about it, but stuff like that hits home...even more so now that we're getting closer to Christmas and don't want to risk being stuck here or him catching something there and passing it along.  It's a lot to think about.

Ultimately I find myself at a loss that cases are still skyrocketing despite knowing now how it spreads and so many of us taking precautions.  I'm hopeful about vaccine distribution starting imminently, though still a tad nervous about getting it myself.  I know I want life back to normal as soon as possible but so much seems insurmountable right now.  I guess I just have to hope that between all the sick people right now, plus the vaccine, plus precautions, that eventually things will get less risky again.  I hate to think we'll have to wait until the weather gets better again, but if it gives us a more normal summer, I'll take it, I guess.  It's so much to process and and I'm still having to bring myself back to one day at a time when it all gets to be too much.  Nine months running, as of today.  Sigh.  

Enough overthinking for today.  Stay safe, folks.