Whouda Thunk It? - The Top 10 Oddities of Pandemic Life

This whole pandemic and the associated lockdown has been full of surprises--random moments or realities, good and bad, that I never expected.  For posterity, here are a few of note, in no particular order:

• I am tired of going to the bathroom - I don't know why this is, although maybe it's because I've used the same two bathrooms, night and day, for the past nine weeks.  Who knew the variety of the office bathroom(s) was helpful?  For a while I was annoyed just because the boys kept peeing on the seat and I had to deal with that every trip, but that's been a bit better since I posted a sign to remind them.  I'm not sure if it's just because I drink so much water during work days and the every couple hour interruptions are annoying when I'm here?  Or maybe it's always having to take stairs to get there, since neither are on the main floor?  Either way, I now get annoyed when I have to go.
• People managed to turn this political - This shouldn't have been a surprise, but when this all started I was thinking about how the country was in the days after 9/11, when it sort of felt like we were all in it together, and patriotism (the good kind) was at an all-time high with flags everywhere, and unified politicians and citizens were all fighting against one "bad guy".  Silly me, I hoped that all being locked up together (with the rest of the world, no less) would bring us together against another common enemy, the virus.  Alas, no...due to a polarizing president, congressional bickering, and two totally different schools of thought about lockdowns (that mostly seem driven by political party affiliation), we are as divided as ever.  Facebook feels like one of the few ways to connect with people right now, but I am so sick of the arguments, conspiracy theories, and memes that say this was a man-made event with help from Big Pharma to sell vaccines, that it's bringing payouts to hospitals for false Coronavirus diagnoses, and whose overreaching lockdowns are meant to depress the economy into submission so socialism can take over and the government can control us.  Sigh.  It's exhausting.
• Cooking dinner hasn't been that bad (but the dishes are) - It turns out that my issues with cooking dinner didn't have to do with actually doing it, but rather trying to plan meals around our evening activities to ensure I could cook and we could eat before someone had to leave.  I suppose I should have figured that out prior to this, but this confirmed it.  Without time constraints now, I easily plan meals a week at a time to ensure I can buy what I need to during my weekly shopping trip.  I can just plan around what else we've eaten recently and not worry about how long it might take.  Eating out once a week has felt about right, although I do miss being able to grab fast food at lunch once in a while without worrying about the gluten content.  The only problem with being home is that the dishes are endless.  I usually wash a sinkload twice a day, and run the dishwasher every few days instead of once a week or so.  That has gotten a bit repetitive.
• I still don't clean - I suppose I'm a bit better about keeping the kitchen wiped down since I'm in there so much, but otherwise, despite being here nearly 24/7, I don't really clean any more than I did before.  This is mostly a surprise because I was better about it when I was unemployed, so I thought it might be the same now.  However, when I was unemployed I felt like my "job" was to take care of the house and family, and I also didn't have to work eight hour days, so I had a lot more time to do it (or feel guilty about not doing it).  Now I just see all the dust and crumbs multiple times a day and continue to get annoyed until I finally have a little time and energy to do it.
• I'm still tired - Despite getting a lot more sleep each night, I'm still not as wide awake as I'd hoped.  I mean, I'm usually not dying for an afternoon nap, even on weekends, but I do still have days where I'm practically nodding off at my desk.  I'm still tired when I wake up in the morning at 7:30 or 8, and yet I'm gladly going to bed around 11 or 11:30.  I'm not sure if it's too much sleep, low-quality sleep, or just too many years of sleep deprivation to catch up.  Keeping up my energy for workouts isn't much better than it was before, either.  I do appreciate my runs because it's the only time I have alone all week, but indoor workouts are still hard to get excited about--even with quality Netflix programming to get me through.  Of course, I hurt myself on my run on Thursday, so today's nice weather didn't pump me up the way it usually would and I'm lucky I didn't nod off.
• Commutes are useful - I don't miss my early mornings, and I generally don't miss my long morning drive complete with lots of traffic, but I've discovered that commutes serve a purpose.  In the morning, they're a good chance to finish waking up and mentally prepare for the work day.  In the evening, they're a good buffer to wind down and transition to home life at the end of the day.  Most days I feel like it takes me about an hour to wake up enough to not make stupid mistakes.  In the evening, despite being able to get up from my desk and walk ten feet into my kitchen to start dinner, it's rare I actually do that.  Usually I want about 20-30 minutes to chill out and decompress before summoning the strength to make dinner.  Sometimes I need that at home after a commute, too, but it shocked me that I needed it after a day at home.
• Grocery shopping is still hard - While I've gradually adjusted to all of the differences in the grocery shopping experience (face masks, extra sanitizing, sneeze guards, packaged bulk and bakery foods, missing items, distancing at the registers), it's still exhausting to go and it still evokes a sort of mourning for me--maybe more than anything else right now.  I miss the old grocery shopping experience.  I didn't always want to be there, but all things considered, Wegmans is a lovely way to do it.  But now it's just stressful - one chance a week to get what we need, out of stock groceries, the fear of germs, feeling guilty about touching more than one item (darn you, bananas and strawberries), and having to remember which lines to stay behind and what I need to wait for prompting on.  Workers aren't nearly as friendly, and neither are customers--or if they are, you can't see their smiles behind masks, anyway.  It's just different and I miss how carefree it used to be.  And that's all before having to wipe down groceries at home.  Last week I wondered if someday I'll take it all for granted again, or if years from now certain changes will remain, or if I'll always carry a little mental burden with me because of what happened during this time.  While I don't want to take it for granted in an arrogant, entitled way, I hope that someday we have the freedom to let all of this stress fade away.  I don't want this to bring down my grocery experience for decades to come.
• Social distancing is hard, but not for the reasons I thought - Going into this I figured that the hard part would be not going anywhere.  I mean, I knew the school/work from home thing would be an issue, and I was worried about us getting sick.  But I truly thought I'd miss going places.  The truth is, I don't miss it as much as I thought.  I miss the convenience a little, I miss going places for adventure, and I miss seeing my family on a whim.  But I've actually been pretty okay with shopping once a week for a few weeks now, and keeping my other errands to a minimum.  I need to get a few out of the way this week while I'm off work, but otherwise I haven't really done non-grocery errands in weeks.  Who knew I could do that?  But what stresses me out that I didn't expect?  The unknowns.  Originally this was just supposed to be for a few weeks, but now that it's been over two months and there's still no clear path forward, the unknowns are weighing on me more than anything else.  The duration of our entire changed reality, and that it will now be like this for the foreseeable future, is exhausting.  We don't know when we'll be back in offices, what fall will look like for the kids, when Jacob's basketball might be able to restart (and how safe we'll feel/be if/when it does), or when pro sports or public festivals might be able to happen again.  Will we look back at this year like an entire wasted year where we did nothing of note?  It's sad and depressing.  And I can tell when I'm out and about that my body can just sense that things aren't quite right.  The mere sight of empty parking lots, closed businesses, and a bit less traffic just seems to be enough of a change to set off my spidey-senses (for lack of a better term) that something isn't quite right.  And while it's not enough to actively freak out about, I can tell it ups my anxiety just enough to make an outing that should be an escape instead feel a little odd.
• Time passes differently - Considering we spend most of our time in the same place and don't have a lot of milestones or events to look forward to, time is moving relatively quickly.  Time between shopping trips, meals out, or even refilling our weekly pill containers goes more quickly than I expected.  If you'd have told me I'd be managing my kids' schooling at home for three months, I'd have thought you were nuts.  And while each day drags until both kids have their work done, I can't believe we're two months in (and praise the Lord, Jacob is down to only 12 days of school left!).  Work days move similarly to before, but maybe a bit quicker, especially when you consider the lack of a commute.  Evenings are a bit of a crapshoot depending on what I get sucked into and how early we eat dinner.  Some nights they feel long, especially now that we don't have events, but if I get sucked into a show, it can move really fast.  And if it's my night to put Carter to bed, that kills another 45 minutes, and nearly immediately after that, we're holed up in bed while Jacob finishes playing Xbox with his friends (who seriously need earlier bedtimes themselves).  And then we sleep and wake up to do it all over again.  One day at a time has definitely been a motto for me.
• Food consumption is just weird - One of the strangest things about this whole time for a lot of people has been their grocery bills.  They have been crazy high for us as well.  I had a couple "normal" weeks recently, but this week was as high as ever, mostly thanks to a refill on meat.  It's hard to tell if we're actually eating more or spending more than we would have in a normal pre-quarantine week when you take everything into consideration.  For example, I used to go to Wegmans at least twice a week, but I can't remember if both combined would equal anything close to what I'm spending now.  Some of it is stocking up just in case something goes back out of stock, some of it is planning ahead so I can pick dinners more easily, and some of it is simply just being at home all the time and being somewhat bored and hungry.  We're only eating out once a week (which hasn't been any too cheap either), but we probably only ate out once or maybe twice as a family before this, so not much change there.  However, Craig went out to lunch a bit more often and I went out once every few weeks.  Add that in, maybe we're getting closer?  The kids lunches are actually pretty close to what they were previously, although this summer Carter will probably cost us more since he used to eat at daycare.  I think the snacks are probably out of control and impacting things the most.  Jacob has about a $16 per week snack habit on crackers alone.  Craig loves trail mix, and that costs a ton because of the nuts.  I feel like I'm eating ice cream almost every night.  I'm also not a big fan of bread, so I've had to get good rolls for lunch sandwiches so I don't get back on my frozen-meal-a-day habit.  Oh, and this is no different than usual, but we're still eating a crap-ton of cereal, plus Jacob is a bit bored so he's had waffles a bit.  Then there's the sweet snacks.  I've baked a ton more than usual--cake, then chocolate cookies from a mix, cocoa pebbles treats, homemade chocolate crinkle cookies, and then from-scratch cookies today.  Not that we need added temptations, but they do serve a purpose as a less-expensive snack when someone might grab something bigger.  It's times like this I'm happy we only have four people in this house, and that the kids aren't teenagers yet.

I guess those are the big ones right now.  Stay tuned, because we still have a lot more of this.  It feels a bit like endless summer vacation right now (not in an entirely good way), and summer hasn't even started yet.  So I'm sure more weirdness is to come.

Nostalgia Overload

This time of year--as I usually touch on somehow here--I get extra nostalgic for memories I made during this little stretch in May, all courtesy of sports.  Under normal circumstances, of course, this is playoff time for most sports, so it's no wonder.  This year, without pro sports and any sort of traveling, I have to spur along my own memories.

As I mentioned in my last post, Tuesday marked the anniversary of the Raptors' game seven win that was the first big moment in their championship run.  Memorial Day is coming soon, and that was when we went to Toronto to attempt to witness the conference final win.

During the day Tuesday, there was a Sabres' replay on TV.  It showed the Sabres' clinching OT win in a four-game sweep over the Boston Bruins in 1993.  That was in the thick of my fandom and marked the Sabres' first playoff series win in 10 years.  It was amazing how quickly the fast heart rate came back when I was watching the OT period.  And the joy when they scored was still so thrilling.  But I definitely got nostalgic for the names and faces, and seeing the old arena again made me happy.  Earlier in the day a Buffalo radio station posted an hour-long video of footage compiled from a few of the last hockey-related events at the Aud, including a logo unveiling and the final game, both of which I attended in April 1996.  Seeing old footage from the concourses (complete with fans in Starter jackets--haha), the standing room only section in the orange seats, and the classic retro lobby made me both happy and sad.  I spent some of the best times of my life there, and yet knowing we can never go back is sad.  But those memories are the best.  Later in the evening, another Sabres' replay was on, this one from my parents' season ticket era--the Sabres' 1975 Stanley Cup Final run.  Once again, my beloved Aud was on full display, every name was one I grew up with, and it was absolutely classic old school, helmet-free hockey.  All of that was the foundation of my eventual path to hockey fandom many years later.

Ultimately, all of those memories led to a career in sports.  And despite lots of seasons and lots of sports along the way, it took until 2007 for my championship dreams to come true.  Well, sort of.  I mean, there were a couple early Buffalo Bandits championships as a newbie lacrosse fan, and I had enough of a connection to the Rochester Rhinos soccer team that I was able to celebrate a couple of their championships with the staff, but it took until after my sports career ended to really feel connected to a championship team.  And then it happened a bunch!

Since I've done this frequently before, I'm going to try to stick with lesser shown pictures or fun little memories that have stuck with me all these years.

In 2007, I hopped on a plane to Phoenix about 30 hours after booking my flight--my first solo flight, no less.  I was only a year removed from my stint in sports, and the staff was still good friends of mine so I had to be there with them to see this team that had come so close, so many times, as they finally seemed to have put it all together enough to win.  Phoenix was a whole different world compared to Western New York.  Not only was it in the 90s, but the terrain was completely different.  I was in love with these flowers outside the hotel.

And these cacti we saw after the game were so cool!

The game itself was amazing, and I will never forget the feeling as the clock ticked down and I finally realized what it felt like to win the last game of the season!  It was unforgettable.  Being on the turf for the cup presentation was amazing!

I was worried about Craig finishing his broadcast and getting down from the press box soon enough to celebrate, but he made it quickly and I was so happy to see him with the cup!

We were excited to get a photo of us together!

After the absolutely blissful celebration by the hotel pool, we went out to a bar and I guess I was already silly enough to insist on a picture with the Captain...

I'll never forget the joy of seeing that group of guys win.  We'd come so close before, always with a downfall.  This time they did it and I never would have forgiven myself if I didn't go.

By 2012, a lot had changed.  I was six years removed from sports, Craig won another championship with the outdoor lacrosse team (but I had to miss it due to a newborn Jacob), we had a three-year-old child, and the team's ownership had changed.  The team had gone through a roster overhaul that led to a bit of a rough patch, but it had slowly rebuilt itself.  That regular season was actually pretty rough, though, to the point I remember wondering why I was so worried about winning a game because it wasn't like we were going to win the championship!  The joke was on me, I guess!  A less-than-.500 team turned it on for the playoffs, and due to some good luck, ending up playing another surprise team in the championship game--and somehow we had the better record and earned the home game!

I'll never forget the day of the game.  My parents came into town for the game, and it was a gorgeous spring day.  We went geocaching downtown before the game and got to explore one spot I'd never been.  St. Joseph's Church in Rochester was a popular church in town for decades before a fire in the 1970s gutted it.  The remaining tower and walls were preserved and turned into a public garden.  The gates were locked that day, but it was still a stunning sight through the fence.

We looked for another cache in an urban park adjacent to my work parking garage.  I fell in love with these flowers.

The game itself was crazy, with the Knighthawks coming out flat early on and making a big second half comeback to win.  We were thrilled, of course, and I was so happy for the fans who got cheated out of a home win in 2007 when the circus sent us to Phoenix.  I caught this picture as we were cheering on the postgame celebration.  My dad was always so mystified by Jacob's quiet manner during Knighthawks games.  He would watch games intently and yet rarely cheered.  Sometimes he seemed to be a Knighthawks fan, but more often he wasn't.  Always a rebel, I guess.  Even still, he got a bit of a kick out of the championship win, and I think my dad was just urging him on to fully express some happiness!

When we finally made it out on the floor, I took this picture.  The stuffed hawk had a bit of a mystique that year.  After Craig bought him, we just seemed to keep winning.  He took him to Toronto for the upset playoff win, and we made sure to bring him for this one.  But when we were losing at halftime, we left him with Craig upstairs and sure enough, things changed!  This was when Jacob and the hawk were reunited on the turf!

Once again, we had to get our traditional photo together!

Note: I was wearing the same outfit as 2007

That celebration was a good one and included my first official drink out of the cup.  Pretty sure we made it home to Jacob around dawn, thanks to my parents' generous offer to sleep over.  Parenthood and championship celebrations don't really mix, by the way!  But it was pretty fun to surprise Jacob one morning a few days later when Craig had to take the cup to an appearance.  We had a happy little boy!

Look how little he was!  Almost 4 and barely taller than the cup!

One month later, I got pregnant, and one year later, Carter was a few months old.  The Knighthawks had another mediocre regular season, only finishing .500.  However, they got hot just in time for the playoffs (again) and by some miracle they won two playoff games to make the finals.  Ironically, their opponent, the Washington Stealth, had an arena conflict much like we had in 2007.  But instead of giving the game to the road team as happened that year, the league moved the game to another arena nearby, which maybe-not-coincidentally became the team's new arena the following season.  I once again debated badly (this time with two kids in the mix) if I could pull off a trip out west.  This one turned into a debacle involving a bad last-minute Priceline booking, a lot of time on hold resulting in no sleep, and standby flights, but somehow I made it.

I figured my best bet to make sure the trip was worth it was to have one guaranteed fun thing as part of the trip.  Had I known at the time that Chihuly Garden and Glass had opened in Seattle the previous year, I probably would have gone there.  But somehow I missed that and ended up in Tacoma instead.  In 2006, Craig and I took a train from Seattle to Portland, and we ended up on the tracks in this picture.  I happened to look up as we passed under the bridge on the left, and I recognized it as something I had seen previously--a whole bridge full of Dale Chihuly pieces!  I made a mental note then to someday come back and see that, and this made for the perfect opportunity.

All of the free outdoor art was stunning.  I don't think I posted a picture of these the first time around, but these were glass columns that had water sheeting down their sides and back into the ground.

This is an example of what was up on the bridge.  Cubby after cubby of beautiful vase-like objects.

As if that wasn't cool enough, the ceiling looked like this:

As I was on the bridge, I noticed in the window of the domed building in the picture above something that looked a bit Chihuly-like.  I ventured over and found a treasure trove of pieces.  I've posted the stunning multicolored chandelier before, but I don't think I've shared much of this window full of red reeds...

And I love this view of a giant metal circle that had these pieces woven throughout...

It was an unforgettable visit, as planned, and the game hadn't even happened yet!  After a long drive to Craig's hotel in British Columbia, we had a really nice night--probably our first alone since Carter was born.  We took a walk, had a snack, and enjoyed the view from our hotel.

After no sleep the previous night (and three months of newborn parenting), I slept like a log.  I fell asleep early and woke up early, but those nine hours were bliss.  I was able to do a glorious morning run along the water, and later a walk to photograph the sites and the flowers along the path.  It was such a pretty area.

You can barely see it, but there are snow-capped mountains in the distance.

The game itself was a little different because the staff had changed by this point and I was only friends with a few of them, so my game-watching company wasn't quite as familiar.  But after a closely contested game, we once again came out victorious!  And yet again, we got our picture on the turf...

Still the same outfit, but between shrinkage and post-baby belly, I had to add a tank for length by then.

By 2014, the Knighthawks put together a much better regular season, second to only one other team in the league.  Unfortunately, the league changed the playoff format to two games + a deciding mini-game if needed.  By some miracle, the #1 team got beat in the first round, which left the Knighthawks in the championship with the third best team and home field advantage.  And thank goodness, because their road game in each round wasn't good, but thankfully they did well at home.  The first round came down not just the mini-game, but to overtime of the mini-game.  After losing the first game of the championship in Calgary, the Knighthawks had to win game 2 and the mini-game at home to take the title.

Once again, my parents were in town for the game.  It was a very exciting night, and the Knighthawks won game two pretty easily.  They went down in the mini-game 2-0 pretty quickly, but miraculously crawled back late and took the lead with less than a minute left.  And after that...pandemonium!

This win was significant because Jacob was finally into it and cheering for the Knighthawks, which my dad really enjoyed!

And little one-year-old Carter was just starting to walk regularly, and I loved him standing in awe on the turf!

Look at those tiny little Nikes!

Carter loved playing with the confetti once he got tired of walking around...

Craig and I went out late again that night to celebrate with the team and fans.  I was so tired and somewhat hung over the next day, and I still laugh at this dramatic Instagram shot I took of the remains of a napkin that Carter got a hold of.  I was a bit too tired to bother stopping him.

Since we didn't get an on-turf shot with the cup that year (that postgame celebration was a bit different), I figured I should share a couple shots from the formal celebration we had a few days after.  Look at tiny, happy Carter with his little stick!

And one of my favorite family pictures ever...

It was really fun looking back at these pictures and the original posts.  There were some really great memories from these very special years.  I am really missing playoff sports and any sort of travel right now, so it was nice to think back at the awesome experiences we've been able to have over the years.  I hope more are in our future, but hopefully they're worth the wait!

Modified Mother's Day

We knew this Mother's Day would be a bit different with all of the social distancing going on, but it was still a bummer to consider that for a second straight holiday we'd miss quality time and tasty food with family.  For me, I hadn't seen my parents in person in about three months, not since Carter's birthday party.  Soon after that party they left on a two-week trip, and once they got back they had bad colds and it was also the early stages of the Coronavirus ramp-up, so I wasn't really eager to visit just in case what they brought back wasn't just a cold.  Craig's family was really the last outside contact we had, for his mom's birthday, on the Sunday of the weekend where everything seemed to happen all at once.  But still, that was nearly two months ago now itself.

On one hand, maybe this was my opportunity to have a Mother's Day for myself.  We've always said that as long as our moms are around, we will defer to them.  And we absolutely have, gladly.  Whenever we can see them and spend part of the day with them, we will.  Last year my mom was traveling, so we had a full day with Craig's family that wrapped up with us listening to a crazy Raptors game on the way home and making it to our TV in time to see the Game 7 last-second, buzzer beating, bouncing shot by Kawhi Leonard that put the Raptors into Round 2 and set the stage for their amazing championship run!  But for the most part we try to split the day as much as possible.  But this year, if we couldn't visit our moms, maybe this was my chance to have my own day for once.  But honestly, there aren't a lot of activities we could do anyway, the weather wasn't great (cold and a bit drizzly), and we have every single other day at home with just the four of us--for two months now, and for the foreseeable future.  I wanted to do something.

Craig was hesitant to go to Buffalo, especially since their Coronavirus situation is so much worse than ours.  However, the plan was to literally stop at both parents' houses and head back home, with no stops in between if we could help it.  We had masks for everyone, just in case of bathroom stops or a snack break.  We stopped at a nearby farm stand on the way out of town to get some flowers, and I was the only one that got out and shopped.  I picked out lovely hanging plants for the moms and a cute planter of pansies for our sister-in-law.  Off to Buffalo we went!  Can I just say how weird it was to be in the van for the first time in two months, and to have all four of us in one vehicle?  I think Carter's only been on one car ride since the first day or two of this quarantine, so it had to be extra odd for him!  Under normal circumstances we'd have been spending every other weekend of the last month driving all over New York for basketball tournaments, so for this to be our first time like that in two months was a bit crazy!

Our first stop at Craig's parents' was pretty short.  I was surprised he didn't do more front porch chatting, but his mom was happy to see him and thankful for the flowers.  She was still in comfy clothes, and I think Craig was hesitant to go inside, so short it was.  One thing we noticed was how jam-packed his parents' street was.  It looked like everyone was having parties!  Maybe that's why Buffalo's counts are so high?!  There was a lot of traffic in general, which was a bit surprising, but it was still odd to see the Galleria Mall and so many other areas completely deserted.

Then we went to my parents' house.  I hadn't even hinted we'd be coming, so I just wanted to do a nice, socially distanced surprise delivery.  I put the flowers and some chocolates I had originally bought for Easter (well-packaged for freshness, thank goodness) on the porch with a card, rang the doorbell, and stood at the bottom of the porch steps.  Both of my parents were thrilled to see me, to the point my dad ran in the house to grab a mask so he could hug me!  Then my mom took it and hugged me, too!  Even though it was a bit chilly, we still chatted out front for about 20 minutes or so.  It was really good to see them, especially since my mom had just had minor knee surgery earlier in the week.  She's getting around well with not a lot of pain, but still some therapy and a lot of patience before she'll be up to full speed again.  They peeked in on the kids in the van and then we wrapped things up to get back home.  We did make a stop at a Tim Hortons drive-thru for snacks, though!

Back at home, my job was to figure out what dinner I wanted to order in.  Unfortunately, most of the main restaurants in consideration were having trouble with their online ordering sites due to high volumes.  I was having a lot of trouble finding anything--particularly when taking into consideration Jacob's limitations--and for whatever reason, the trouble started a downward spiral.  It was a lot of pressure to pick something that worked for everyone and get it done in a timely manner before we were all starving.  And even then, once you add in ordering difficulties and presumably long wait times, it all just seemed impossible.  Before I knew it, nothing sounded good to me, my appetite disappeared, and no option seemed viable.  And yet I didn't want to cook, either--not just because it was "my day" and I had my heart set on not cooking, but also because it would mean completely rearranging my meal plan for the week and that was beyond my comprehension as well at that point.  It wasn't looking good.

Remember in a previous post where I talked about dealing with stress by isolating myself in my bed?  I've decided that's sort of my version of an anxiety attack, or some sort of extra short depressive episode.  When my brain has a plan and things start derailing it, for whatever reason at rare times it must trigger my anxiety in an odd way.  When that happens, it becomes a full derailment, throws all the cars off the track, and I just sort of shut down.  I go over countless scenarios to fix it, but nothing seems to work.  It usually leaves me wallowing in self-pity for a while, feeling helpless to snap out of it.  It feels very much out of my control, and I imagine it's very similar to what people feel in the midst of depression--you want to snap out of it, you want to do better, but nothing seems to make it better and you simply cannot will yourself to do it.  For me, it usually takes a few hours for it to run its course.  Sometimes it finishes when I can finally right myself enough to find a less-desirable but workable solution, but in this case the damage was already done--I botched the rest of our Mother's Day--so I finally just tried to get my mind off it by watching some Fuller House.  So, in the meantime, instead of me picking my choice of a Mother's Day feast and us eating together, Craig eventually had to grab himself and the kids some food (KFC for Carter and Chipotle for him and Jacob--and no, nothing sounded appealing to me), and my dinner ended up being some ice cream and veggie straws around 10pm when I finally felt hungry.  So, no, not the best second half of the day.

I was feeling better yesterday, as I always do after something like this, and I even got my belated gift--a wine glass with a "Friends" theme that says, "Mother's Day 2020 - The One Where They Were Quarantined" (because all the episodes of "Friends", one of our favorite shows, were titled in that way).  While I'm bummed that I messed up our evening, I am thankful that these episodes--whatever they are--are short-lived.  They may be inconvenient, but they don't happen too often.  So far they seem pretty straightforward and end predictably.  It may be good therapist fodder someday, especially if it gets worse.  But let's hope not.  I think this whole quarantine experience must just be weighing on my brain a bit more, and when some sort of scenario makes it a bit more complicated, it just feels far more complex.  Some days I can handle it fine, but for whatever reason, on other days it triggers something that's out of my control.  I know that it helps to plan ahead--hence my dedication to dinner planning recently--and I know that right now is not normal in any way, so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself or make too much of it.  I guess if anyone had to ruin my Mother's Day, I'm glad it was me.  Better luck next year, I guess! 

Longing for Adventure

The other day, my big boss posted in our group work chat about something she did to de-stress, and asked us how we usually deal with stress.  I realized that I have a few different methods:

• Sometimes I eat my feelings, which is a really bad idea right now since I'm mostly stuck in the house.  I've managed to keep my weight in check thus far, probably because I've been more consistent with workouts.  But I baked chocolate crinkles over the weekend and that might be my downfall.  At least I'm still wearing jeans every day, so it should be pretty apparent if I have an issue--assuming I wash them periodically.  
• Sometimes I hide in my room (or as my boss put it, she takes to her bed).  This is usually the "feel sorry for myself, don't see a solution" method of stress management, which really isn't management at all.  It's letting the stress get to me and shutting down.  I don't really want to talk to anyone or do anything.  I will lay in bed, covers over my head if I can, maybe cry silently, and eventually realize that laying there isn't making it much better so I get up and try to be functional.  I hate when it happens, but it tends to be when my anxiety is at its worst, and I suppose it's better than a panic attack.  Our current introverted existence makes something like that pretty easy right now, but that's definitely not a healthy management technique, either.
• My preferred method is getting a little solo time for myself, which usually involves some sort of outing.  Sometimes it's a gratuitous clearance shopping trip at Kohl's, sometimes it's a run, sometimes it's even solo craft time at home (like my diamond painting).  But I mostly prefer little adventures out of the house, like the three trips I took to Highland Park last year (see here, here, and here).  All three of those were so enjoyable in the midst of stressful work weeks, one random health scare, and the usual home stuff.  Even the bike ride I took on a beautiful day last Sunday might count, since I went on a random, exploratory route and ended up in my favorite stretch along the canal.  Either way, pretty scenery and a little quiet time can do wonders for the soul.

Talking about that last bullet really started to make me wistful, not just for last year's park visits but for all of the things that this time of spring usually brings.  Last year we had our crazy trip to Toronto (part 1 and part 2), and for a few years we usually had Jacob's first lacrosse tournament in early June.  We always have a Mother's Day weekend trip to Buffalo, and we usually check out a new playground or two.  Many years we've snuck in a family trip to the Lilac Festival, and I still reminisce about Knighthawk championship trips.  In general spring has just been a time to get out, see the fresh foliage, and take a deep breath of warm air for the first time in months.  And while we've done a bit of that (not enough, thanks to a grumpy Mother Nature), doing it somewhere other than home seems to be a bit more effective.  Seeing something different out in the world just feels better, and this year we have a serious lack of that.  

This is by far my favorite time of year, not just because of the improving weather and the increase in adventures, but because it usually includes those events that signal the approaching end of the school year--Mother's Day muffins, the school district art show, school picnics, field day, and other random year-end things.  Last year Carter had a little class breakfast, and the year before Jacob had a field trip.  I loved this time of year as a kid because we always had a ton of field trips and fun activities like field day and ice cream making outside.  Any excuse to be out of class was awesome.  This year, aside from maybe going to grab the kids' supplies, I'm not sure we'll have that "last day of school" feeling.  Last week I ran through Jacob's old school's parking lot and realized it had been almost a year since the day I picked him up there for the last time.  The speed of a year always shocks me.  I know it will do it again next year when Carter wraps up his third and final year at his current school.  And that's not just the shock of how quickly we'll get there from here, but how quickly we'll get there from Kindergarten orientation, or even Jacob's moving up ceremony five years previous.  So fast.  All of those little events are little markers in time, and we won't really have those this year.  

I fear that this entire period--possibly five or six months by the time we attempt some version of normal--will all be mushed into one big blob when we look back.  As much as it seems like we'll remember the fear, the isolation, and the nothingness this very post is about, I know some of it will be looked back at fondly.  We'll probably romanticize the ample free time, and the lack of early morning wake-ups, rushed dinners, and endless evening activities.  We might remember the simplicity of one grocery trip per week (even if in reality it was stressful as heck), the relative ease of meal planning without time constraints, and how it was sometimes nice having all my birds "safely in the nest" all the time.  But what we won't have are the little milestones or memorable trips that usually punctuate this time.  I'll look back at my pictures and instead see a lot of cell phone photos showing tiny moments in time--comparatively small moments that brightened our otherwise boring days.  

I realized the other day that I'm so out of my usual spring groove that I hadn't even been doing my usual reminiscing about being pregnant with Jacob this time of year.  I didn't even remember the anniversary of my April car accident from that year, or the excitement of my baby showers and parenting classes.  I didn't think about the overwhelming but fun baby gear organization or those last precious weeks as a pair instead of a trio.  I loved the anticipation (most of the time), I loved being pregnant and feeling kicks, and I loved that we had something new and different to be excited about.  Most springs, on those first warm days when sunset suddenly seems so much later, I'm taken back to the evenings where Craig and I would meet for a quick dinner before parenting class, some of our last few unofficial date nights before parenthood.  I miss that time.  But when I finally remembered again the other day, it was probably as long as it's ever taken to pop into my head.  Yes, it was all 12 years ago, so maybe it would be natural to start forgetting, but this year felt different.  

I miss my family and I miss changes in scenery.  I'm worried we're going to miss the best of spring and have to wait a whole extra year to do it again.  I just hope things open up enough that we can still squeeze in some adventures soon.  Summer won't be summer without it.  

Screen Time Survival

We're rapidly approaching two months since our new normal began.  In some ways it's gotten far more comfortable than is probably healthy.  In others it is a daily "Groundhog Day"-style struggle.  But we're healthy, we're mostly employed, and we're muddling through--albeit with too much yelling and battling over schoolwork and WAY too much screen time.

The screens are starting to make me nuts...even for myself.  I stare at one for the better part of my eight-hour workday--mostly since I know the distractions are endless and forcing myself to sit at my desk minimizes them.  I miss being able to get up to go ask a co-worker a work question while I give my eyes a break.  If I get up here, it inevitably leads to 15+ minutes of random housework or kid stuff, so I try to avoid it unless it's absolutely necessary.  I'm also spending way too much time with my phone.  Over the weekend my thumb hurt from holding the phone and using it to scroll.  That's a bad sign.  When I have some spare time, I am trying to speedily get through the first 4-1/2 seasons of Fuller House on Netflix (before the June 2 premiere of the final episodes) and catch up on some of my DVR shows on demand, since Jacob monopolizes the TV with the DVR most of the time now (more on that in a second).  At least I've gotten really resourceful with using my phone as a mini-TV.

Craig is rather Netflix-obsessed, as well.  He usually spends a good chunk of the day watching something, often The Office or some random movie, often while he's working or working out.

Because the weather has been generally awful, screens have taken over for the boys.  Both have online school work to do, but that's just the tip of the iceberg.  Jacob lacks hobbies despite my frequent requests that he find one (besides basketball), so he's either on his phone looking at YouTube, or on the Xbox.  It used to be that most of his time was spent playing NBA 2K20, but now he's added the dreaded Fortnite to the mix.  His friends were playing that more often, and since he's socially disconnected from school and basketball, it seemed to be the best way to give him some contact with friends.

If that wasn't bad enough, of course Carter had to get in on the act.  By some miracle, it's one of the few things they can play together (mostly) harmoniously.  They even play together with Jacob's friends, which is sort of shocking to me that Jacob would allow it, but somehow it works.  Carter has to play on Craig's phone, however--for multiple reasons mostly involving controlling how much he plays and who he's talking to--so that's not ideal for Craig.  I don't love Carter playing that game, but we're at a level of desperation where we need to keep them busy and if they're getting along doing that, maybe there's hope for something else down the road.  It is cute watching them high five and celebrate when they win a Victory Royale!

Carter is legit obsessed with screens and it's getting really hard to manage.  He will wake up first thing and go find his tablet and play on that until we're up and force him to get dressed and come down for breakfast.  If we don't catch him the second he finishes eating, he will try to run back up and play more until we catch him.  We struggle through a few rounds of school work, which he only gets through so he can be rewarded with a break, at which point he goes back to the tablet until we get back to school or have lunch, depending on our schedules.  He won't come down for lunch until his food is ready on the table--and if it's not, he tries to go back up and play for a few more minutes.  It's incredibly annoying.  Once his school work is done, it's a constant struggle to get him to do anything else.  He would play it 24/7 if we let him, to the exclusion of meals, sleep, and everything else.  If we want him to do other things, we pretty much have to take it away...at which point he complains for a while, eventually plays nicely, and then complains a bit more.  He hates playing alone so when I'm working I can't expect Craig to play with him constantly, and when I'm off there's only so much I can offer.  He's still a terrible loser so games aren't particularly fun, and I'm not so great at the army-guys-in-a-magnetic-tile-fort battles that he does with Craig.  I do better with Hot Wheels tracks and magnetic tile builds and things like that, but he's not usually too into that stuff, particularly if a screen is an option.  Everything else pales in comparison.  It's extremely frustrating.  Oh, and outside time never lasts long because his sore-loser-self usually finds some sort of injustice rather quickly into a basketball game and uses that as an excuse to come back in.  We've found a little success getting him back on his big wheel and bike, but he needs us keeping an eye on him for that stuff, too.  Independent activities are just not his forte.

Carter literally talks about little else outside of Minecraft, Fortnite, other online games, and YouTubers associated with those games.  He's constantly asking questions about what we think is stronger, or would you rather live here or there, or whatever...and it's not the easiest of conversation topics when you don't play.  But it's sort of like Jacob's obsession with sports.  Do you try to make him diversify a bit so people don't think he's nuts, or do you accept that this is his "thing" and try to encourage him?  I wish I had better ways to do the latter option without encouraging the screen time further, though.  I've unsuccessfully tried with some hand-me-down Minecraft books from Jacob and have considered buying school work books with a Minecraft theme, but I fear that might be a waste of money unless I mandate lessons prior to playing.  With the lack of typical school for a solid six months, that's still an option for over the summer.  Maybe someday he'll go be a programmer and it will all be worth it, but right now I'm not sure what to do.

After we all spend the evening mostly doing our own things, it's become a nightly tradition for Craig, Jacob and me to gather in the living room at 9pm for NBA 2K trivia.  I think there are 10 questions, and if you get all of them right, you you split the jackpot of online currency with other winners.  We've won a couple times, usually with small jackpots, but it's a challenge.  After that, Jacob will usually play games while one of us gets Carter in bed, and it's like pulling teeth to get Jacob to go to bed after that.  Usually at 10 or 10:15 we're yelling at him to go to bed, and it usually takes about 15 minutes for him to finish up and/or pull himself away.  Half the time lately he's taking over the bathroom just when I'm ready to get in there to brush my teeth, which is super annoying because it definitely throws off my schedule to get ready for bed.  Because we're tired by that point and have already gotten comfortable in our bedroom, we're usually going to sleep around the same time he is, which minimizes our adult time.  Our DVR is still pretty full as a result.  But if he doesn't play later at night, he misses some of his friends, so it's hard.  And he's doing well with his school work so I'm trying to choose my battles.  Unfortunately, with school ending soon, there's really no end in sight.

I know it sounds simple enough to have limits and force the boys off the devices, but when we're all stuck in this house with a finite number of activities (or at least short on the time/energy to create better ones), it's so hard to limit without the complaints putting you over the edge.  I get tired of listening to myself nag.  Sometimes you just need some quiet alone time, and electronics seem to be the only way to get that.  Nice days are easier, but when you have one kid that wants a screen more than anything else, it's still hard. We're going to have very tough habits to break once this is over.

I'm just so over the screens, for so many reasons.  But we have a very long road ahead, and unfortunately they are a necessary evil right now.  I just wish they weren't also feeling like one more obstacle we need to overcome.

The Verdict

Last night, after waiting for word all day, I found out what one part of the next few months of my life look like.  I will have five weeks of furlough scattered through the next three months.  My first week is in two weeks, then I'll be back for three, off for one, back for one, off for two, back for two, and then off for one.  That takes us to the end of July, at which time it looks like I'll be back to work on a normal schedule because we'll be ramping things up for the start of our year.  Of course, all of this is reliant on this virus cooling its jets by then.  There's no telling what happens if we have another wave, so let's just focus on now, shall we?

While it's a bit of a bummer, particularly because I'm not sure what to think about being on the higher end of the number of weeks (it sounded like our department's range was one to six weeks), not all the news is bad.  Almost everyone from our building is impacted in some way, and in our department, they chose to spread it out as much as they could to minimize the impact to any single person, which was both expected and perfectly fine with me.  All of my weeks fall within the range for federal unemployment, in addition to state, which actually seems to put me at or above what I'd make normally.  I don't know how that all shakes out with taxes or considering I'll still be paying for parking and my health insurance premium for both on and off weeks, but all things considered it could be a lot worse financially.  Of course, that's assuming I can get on unemployment promptly, which has not been the case for countless numbers of people.  I'm hoping that by the time I apply in a couple weeks, most of the logjam and bugs will have been cleared out and it'll be smooth sailing.

I get to keep my health insurance, which is huge, since that was the second thing that freaked me out (after my co-workers' stress levels) when I lost my job five years ago.  I'll also continue to earn vacation, which is good even I'm not using it right now, but it could also lead to a bit of a glut at the end of the year with what I'm allowed to carry over.  Because I'm not fully furloughed, I can also still access my email throughout.  They can't ask me to do any work while I'm off, but realistically I'll probably check in a couple times each week to make sure I'm not missing anything or leaving anyone hanging.  I'm sure there will be backups in place but sometimes you just need to get that stuff taken care of so you don't set yourself up for a bigger mess down the road.  Even during my maternity leaves, I told my colleagues that if there was something I could take care of in minutes that would otherwise take them significantly longer, please contact me because I'd rather save them the agony they would be experiencing due to my absence.  It only happened once, I think, and I was happy to help as a friend.  Since they legally can't share schedules, it will be a little bit of a mess trying to figure out who to contact when, but I guess we'll figure it out.

Since the money isn't a specific concern at this point, I'm just trying to look at this as forced vacation.  I'll get two weeks off while Carter is still in school, which means I can dedicate those weeks to helping him, which I would have liked to do more of since this started.  I'm figuring we might be able to pick a "field trip" or two, do some fun educational stuff, and just try to spice things up from our survival mode bare minimum tasks right now.  One of the weeks I'm off I probably would have taken significant time off anyway, because it's 4th of July week and our one slow week before the books close.  Otherwise, I have off Jacob's birthday week, not that I'll have a party to plan, but at least I'll have options.  The rest of the time will probably just force me to take vacation I always think I should take but never do.  I always worry about getting too far behind at work, or about spending too much money on trips or staycation activities, but then when the kids are back in school in the fall, I always feel bad we didn't do more.  The good news is this will essentially force me to take that time, but the bad news is that activities, travel, and money will all be on the limited side.  Overall, the weeks are decently spread out, which is good for balancing keeping things moving and mental health breaks.  And I still get to work our big Day of Giving plus the important weeks surrounding it, so that was a relief, as well.  I've had to deal with extended time off before, and I actually mostly enjoyed my unemployment five years ago, aside from the stress of finding a job before my severance ran out.  It's rare to get time for yourself--even if this round involves the constant presence of the entire household and the inability to incorporate much activity away from the house--so I'm going to try to appreciate it while it lasts.

The only downside to all of this currently is that it leaves a lot of unknowns for the kids' summer plans.  Usually now would be the time to register for summer camps, but camps don't even know if they'll be able to operate.  Jacob's camp has to wait until late May to make a decision, and that could cause them to lose the counselors they had previously hired, if they choose to find more secure plans.  If that happens, they won't have as many slots available.  Beyond that, I don't know how I'll feel sending either kid off to camp where social distancing will be difficult, since the virus will still be out there.  Based on my furlough schedule and Craig working from home indefinitely due to renovations at his office, we probably wouldn't need any camp until August anyway.  But if we're not clear on our plans until then, will we even have any options left when the time comes?  Then again, maybe we will since everyone's work schedules and income are thrown off and more kids than usual will be home.  On the other hand, the thought of letting them continue these months of unlimited screen time and unstructured time scares me a bit.  Yes, they'll have basketball and the pool to get them outside, but the screens are too tempting, especially for Carter.  I know neither of us has the energy to constantly keep them on a real schedule or deal with the constant complaining when screens aren't an option, so forced structure outside the house might be welcome by then.  But then again...the cost savings would be nice.  Camps cost thousands over those summer weeks, so I won't mind recouping at least some of that.  I'm still hoping that there will be an extension for using the money that was taken out of my paycheck pre-tax for child care, so I don't lose any of it.  If not, I think stopped my withdrawals soon enough that I might be okay if the afterschool program picks up as usual in the fall, but it will cut it close.  Regardless, I'd hate for the kids to not get those social experiences and field trips all summer, but for one summer I think it'll be okay.  Either they'll think it was the best thing ever to have a free summer, or they'll be really ready to go back to some sort of camp next year.  Sadly, this is probably Jacob's last eligible summer for his camp, so he might have free summers from here on out--excluding basketball camp weeks, of course!  Anyway, there's so much in limbo with these issues right now that this is probably what's making me more crazy than anything else.

Even though I've been assured that this has nothing to do with my contributions or value to the organization--to the contrary, they over-emphasized the opposite through this process--I'm still struggling a bit.  Almost everyone is dealing with this, so I know it's not personal.  But then I wonder how my time compares to others, and whether it indicates I'm considered less essential to the team.  Maybe I should just be grateful for my five weeks off, because given the lesser financial burden, maybe I'd be annoyed if other people got more of a break than me.  Who knows?  I am trying not to let these last two weeks feel lame duck-ish, because truly they're not, but it feels weird.  I keep trying to tell myself that it's like preparing to go on vacation, but for some reason I can't make it feel that way yet.  Add in that everything legally has to be sort of secretive, and it just feels awkward around the team.  Our group chat was almost non-existent today, and I wonder if everyone was down, or felt odd not talking about it, or if it was just a randomly quiet day.  It's like this big elephant in the room that we can do nothing about, but due to my personality, I'm left wondering if it's bothering me more than other people.  I'll even out eventually, but this week, it's bugging me.

I'm glad I can plan ahead now, and I'm looking forward to a little time off, even if it's not in the way I'd normally prefer.  There are still so many unknowns, though, so it's just one small piece of a big, complicated puzzle.  I guess I just have to hope for better weather and enthusiastic children so we can make the most of it.

Hope Lost

Today seemed like an ordinary day.  But by late morning, one simple post in my work chat deflated my spirit.  School buildings will officially be closed for the rest of the academic year.  The governor announced it during his daily press conference.  Not that we had much hope that schools would reopen, but the loss of that hope is pretty soul-destroying.  Jacob's school year would have been done in about a month, leaving only about two possible weeks after the previous deadline, so I figured he was done.  And honestly, I'm less worried about him.  He's doing his work mostly on his own (except for a day here or there where it becomes everyone's problem) and seems to be learning new things.  But for Carter, who's still in the midst of learning really foundational stuff, it stinks to be essentially stuck in review mode.  They're not doing a lot of new learning aside from solidifying whatever skills they had already been working on, though maybe that will change a bit now.  But the thought of him not being back in a classroom setting until at least September (and who knows what even that might look like?) is distressing, because he struggles with home learning.

It's not that he's a complete disaster, by any means, but suffice it to say that school is a far better setting for him.  First, he had such a sweet, supportive teacher.  She saved Jacob's entire school experience, and while Carter tended to complain about her more than I expected, I think deep down he liked her.  I hate him missing time with her, because I think she's been good for him.  If nothing else, he went from behind in reading to right on target.  In fact, the other day when he had his first video reading session, he did amazing on his sight words--meaning he officially knew more of them now than he did when he was in school.  He also did very well on the book he read her.  That was comforting given all of the battles we have over his school, because clearly something is sinking in.  Math seems fine, too--as long as he takes his time.  But writing may be the bane of our entire existence right now.  He hates it.  He only has to write two sentences per day, and it is a battle every step of the way.  He doesn't know what to write, he doesn't know how to spell much beyond the basics, and his handwriting is all over the place.  He's not staying in the lines, he doesn't capitalize or space properly, and trying to work him through spelling (or really anything) inevitably leads to him wanting to quit.  No matter how simple or how gentle the guidance, he overreacts and storms off.  Or he gets frustrated and takes his paper somewhere else, only to get distracted and lead us into another battle to get him back on task.  Even though I know he's not the most enthusiastic student in school, I know he doesn't routinely have tantrums with his teacher, so it sucks that we have to deal with it.  And now, any hope I had for one last month of real learning is gone, and this is our semi-permanent reality--not just a stopgap for a couple months, but the solution for a full third of the school year.  And now I feel like there's more pressure to find a way to keep him on track through the summer so things don't get any worse.  But how?

Being out of school nearly six months was once unfathomable.  Now here we are.  Worldwide kids have missed significant school, so how do you even begin to catch all of these kids up?  When the teachers can barely teach what they need to in a year, how do you fit in a bunch of catch-up, too?  And if we're struggling this much, I can't imagine what this looks like in households where parents are busy working outside the home all day, where English isn't the first language, where there are health challenges, or where parents just don't care.  How can those kids ever catch up?  And that's barely even scraping the surface when you start thinking about special education students or other special needs kids who aren't getting the services they need.  Those parents must be completely overwhelmed.

Despite the challenges, I suppose I still come out of this feeling lucky.  We don't have kids in big milestone years.  If this happened last year, Carter would have missed out on the end of Kindergarten and Jacob would have missed out on the end of his beloved elementary school years, including his moving up ceremony.  If this was next year, Carter would miss out on his fun moving up ceremony to his new school and our farewell to his current school would be cut sadly short.  And for those high school and college seniors who are missing out on things like prom, in-person graduations, study abroad opportunities, and all of those amazing "lasts", this has to be devastating.  My prom weekend changed my life in so many ways.  After dreaming about prom for years, I had an amazing night and weekend away with my friends, and I got my first real boyfriend.  It was practically a storybook weekend--I don't think I could have written it better.  And to think I could have missed all of that...ugh.  And if you would have taken away the end of my college experience, I have no idea where my life would have ended up.  The loss of my last months in the dorm with my friends would have been bad enough, but what might have happened if my internship (which led to my job and eventually my marriage) would have been stopped short as well?  It's mind boggling to think of how things might have turned out differently.  

On top of the school stress, I had to sit through an office-wide Zoom meeting today to hear more about possible furlough situations coming up.  Initially the University indicated they would avoid furloughs.  But this has seemingly gone on longer than expected, and last week it came out that the medical center would be starting furloughs.  This week, news came through that the rest of the University needed a 20% salary reduction, so it would be impacting our office as well.  We found out today that they're trying to spread the burden as widely but thinly as they can throughout the organization, so it sounds like nearly everyone will be impacted, but to a lesser degree.  My guess is that we will have partial rolling furloughs, which might mean a week on and a week off.  Unemployment may fill the gaps in between, but given all the problems people have had with the system, I don't look forward to digging into that.  I'm trying not to be too anxious about it, but that probably won't stop me from freaking out early next week when we should find out more.

Part of my struggle with this is that it's bringing back memories of my layoff five years ago.  Even though I was the only person who did certain tasks (or knew how to do them), I was let go.  Clearly the decision-makers didn't seem to care how that might impact clients or colleagues, so I feel history repeating itself as there may be people making decisions about my job without knowing how it could impact what we do as a team.  Not that I'm not expendable (pretty much no one is in a case like this), but my boss is already overloaded (and has a lot of personal stuff to deal with as well) and I worry about the data load on her...not to mention how I'd fare without her if the roles were reversed for a time.  We also have a really big giving day coming up and the thought of being without any of our team is somewhat daunting.  So that was a bit of a blow this week, but I just keep hoping that whatever time I have off I can use to the fullest with the kids, rather than spending all day every day sitting at my computer like I do now.

Beyond  that, I'm starting to worry about making decisions for the kids for summer.  How can we even know what's going to be available, let alone what's going to be safe?  Usually deposits are due around now, but how on earth can we plan anything without knowing what our work situations might look like?  Craig can work from home since his office is under renovation, but who knows how long that might last?  And staffing might be an issue with Jacob's camp since they'll be making decisions so late, so spots might be limited.  Ugh.

I also keep coming back to the fact that we won't have a vaccine for a year and we'll inevitably have to reopen at some point before it's truly safe.  Yet areas that have begun to reopen are seeing new infections.  Heck, even areas that technically aren't reopened (like Buffalo) are seeing rising hospitalization rates again.  I feel confused because all of the untested but presumed cases and now antibody tests indicate more people have been infected than numbers show, and therefore the death rate in healthy adults could be really low--like, around the flu.  But all these deaths have been in a much shorter time than flu season, and these figures are happening despite significant social distancing.  We can't deny that hospitals have seen unprecedented surges and deaths, medical workers are overwhelmed, and this illness is extremely difficult to treat.  So if it's really not much worse than the flu (spoiler: it is), then how is it so bad in some areas?  Areas that aren't bad can thank social distancing for the fact they're not in dire straits like others, but that's still not really a free pass to open up.  Add in increased travel in reopened areas that will bring infections elsewhere, and we're right back to where we were.  It's a mess and it seems like there is no good solution.  And don't give me that, "Just because it's open, it doesn't mean you have to go out," because people subconsciously take their cues from the government and once businesses reopen people won't have the choice to stay on unemployment.  So people will go out and things will get worse.  It's all worrisome and I wonder when we'll ever get back to normal.

For all these reasons I try to stick to one day at a time, but it's getting harder.  For now I just need to focus on having a nice weekend, and leave next week's worries for next week.  God knows there's enough of them.