Thanksgiving Recap

I guess it's been a busy week-plus since I last posted.  Fortunately, I am feeling much better.  I'm pretty much back to my usual allergy-induced sniffliness, which is about to be expected.  It seems the steroids definitely did some good work and maybe the third antibiotic finished it off for good.  I still get an annoying round of noseblowing now and then when some thicker junk tries to make its way out, but for the most part things are back to normal.  I am only about halfway through the antibiotics, though, and they leave a terrible metallic taste in my mouth, but thankfully aside from a couple ragey incidents, the steroids have been more manageable than usual.  I go for a follow-up on Wednesday, so we'll see what they say.  But I'm very grateful to be done with the worst.  Now if my new alpha lipoic acid supplement would work to bring back my smell, that would be great!

It was nice to have a two-day week last week.  I had a ton of work to get done beforehand and pulled it off, so that helped make the five-day break much better.  Dreading going back tomorrow, but duty calls.  Jacob had a community service day at a nearby VA hospital last Monday, and I think that was an eye-opening experience for him.  He even heard one guy say that he played against Kareen Abdul-Jabbar (Lew Alcindor at that time) back in college.  I think it's easy to forget that these older veterans were once young, strong, athletic men, so I hope that sticks with him.  He had four days off after that, including one day on his own.  I did stop home at lunch to break up the solitude.  I think the break was probably good for him, though he's probably dreading going back more than anyone.

Craig has been working a ton, which has been extra challenging for the kids.  They miss him so much.  It's led to a lot of battling and trying to keep them occupied.  Last week when Carter and I stopped at Wegmans to get my prescription, he convinced me to buy a caramel apple kit.  We did it last weekend, and I have to admit they were really good--although VERY sweet!

A couple weeks ago Jacob's school principal sent out a message clarifying some things about the dress code, which effectively outlawed his sneakers.  Only solid color Vans, not the print we had gotten a while back.  Darn it.  We ordered a new pair through Kohl's, but they sent us the wrong ones, so last weekend while Craig was working we went out to dinner and then ran to the store to try to sort things out.  The boys were obnoxious as usual, but we did snag this cute picture with them and the giant $600 sloth!

We had a very nice Thanksgiving, almost a picture perfect day, in fact.  We went to Buffalo on Wednesday for our annual bar visit in honor of Craig's Uncle Mike who passed away five years ago.  Aside from Craig having to adjust to his 40-pound-lighter body and what food/drink it can handle now, we had a really good time.  It was a bit of a rough return to my parents' house, but after a little extra sleep while we went to church, luckily he felt much better by meal #1 with my parents and my aunt and uncle (my dad's siblings).  We had a very pleasant meal with delicious food, and it was nice to wish my parents a very Happy 49th Anniversary (!) in person!  Next we headed off to meal #2 with Craig's family, which was also very tasty.  I was quite full but I think the steroids helped me out as I got my fill!  Oh, and the Bills won their big Thanksgiving game against Dallas, which was somewhat unexpected, so that was fun to see, too!  The family time was great all around, and when we left that night I felt like the day couldn't have gone much better.  And even though coming back late at night is tiring, it was worth it to be home and have a fresh start on Friday morning!

After some in-bed Black Friday shopping, I started in on decorating.  Well, actually, I cheated a bit and put up my little tree in the dining room on Wednesday.  Just the tree, no decorations.  I figured it was out of the way enough and would save me some time and grief on Friday if I could get it up early, since I had to configure the branches a little funky to fit properly in that corner.  It ended up being one of my first completed projects on Friday, along with cleaning toys and moving furniture.  I had set aside all of my angel ornaments last year in a separate bin to make them my first theme tree.  It was actually really easy to just open them up and hang them one after another, and this was the (almost final) result.  I found a few more angels in the rest of the ornaments that I must have forgotten to set aside.

I absolutely love the final product.  I love the colored lights for a change and it's fun to see all of my angels--most from my mom's annual gifts, some from other gifts--all in one place.  And I'm pretty partial to my new Capiz shell tree topper.  I might use it on the main tree next year!  I love that I've had this tree for 19 years now and after 11 years of non-use since we got our current tree, it finally has made a reappearance.  I still can't believe it was my bargain $20 tree (can't find a tree that good for even double that now) that I decorated for about $10 that first year on my own.  I didn't have my ornaments available, so it was just lights, beaded garland, homemade red bows, and a glittered sheet of fake snow as the tree skirt.

As for the other tree, I had a lot of toys to sort through in order to move them out of the far corner of the living room so the recliner could move there and the new chair could move into the recliner's spot, which would open up space for the tree.  I made the best of it and moved a few things downstairs (including our old ottoman, to move the coffee table into that spot, and a handful of lesser used toys), and brought up the tree.  A 15-minute process to assemble it turned into a couple hours of misery, as each section had lights out.  This tree is not supposed to have lights go out.  It's like it hit its 12th year and freaked out!  Usually a string out means that a light is loose, and I managed to fix a section or two by checking each light.  But then I got higher up in the tree and no matter how many lights I checked, nothing worked.  All I can figure is that the one non-replaceable fuse light in two spots went out, which essentially kills the string.  Even though I've been eyeing up new trees for a couple years, it still bummed me out that my pretty tree wasn't really fixable.  Frustrated, I dragged the kids to Lowe's to look at trees, and only found one decent one, but it was sold out.  We came back home and I spent the afternoon very grumpy.  I blame the steroids.  I tried to take a nap since I didn't feel like decorating at all, but eventually gave up since the kids kept bugging me.  I dragged myself downstairs to pull out the bins and get started on everything else, since I knew I'd regret it if the weekend ended and I wasn't done.  The season is short enough this year with the late Thanksgiving.  By Friday night I had most of the décor up, and on Saturday I rigged up some strings of white lights to cover the sections that were out.  It's not ideal, but it works.  After that I dragged the boys off to three places to look at more trees.  We found an intriguing one at Home Depot.  It's not my ideal branch style, but the light functions were amazing, so it's definitely on the list and I could definitely be happy with it.  I know Lowe's has a couple possibilities that weren't in the store (but I'm hoping they might restock post-Black Friday), so I just need to consider my options over these next few weeks and hope my chosen one doesn't go out of stock permanently.  I finished the rest of the tree today, and now all of the decorations look lovely and all feels right with the world again.

As I mentioned, Craig has been working a lot as the Knighthawks' season officially started last night.  It was especially tough this week with the kids off school and having a lot of time at home.  I'm pretty sure they're sick of seeing me, that's for sure.  Late nights, busy evenings, long weekends...it's been a haul.  I remind them it could always be worse because they could have a parent who is deployed for months or who works even worse hours compared to their schedule.  But it's still hard.  After a few weeks of training camp, the home opener was last night.

Admittedly it was a little weird to have a new team.  The old players are in Halifax and the old team colors are no more.  The atmosphere was different, and it all felt a little foreign despite familiar faces around the building, but I think eventually it will feel more normal.  It didn't help that they had a rough start, losing 14-4.  Expansion is tough.  However, I had the pleasure of sitting by Casey Zaph, a former Knighthawk from my sports days.  He was a gritty little player whose career was cut short by a brain bleed.  Recovery was long, but he's doing well now and it was a pleasure to chat with him as we suffered through a tough game.  I miss the days of his type of hard-nosed play--he was hoping for a brawl to shake the team up, which was exactly how he was as a player--but lacrosse is definitely a different game now, much like hockey has lost its rougher edge.  It was fun while it lasted, and thinking of his era's teams, it made me even more wistful for the old days.  Despite the tough start, at least the season is underway and Craig's schedule will get a bit more predictable.  He actually has the next two weekends off, which will be nice.  I'm dreading his first road trip, though, since it's the weekend before Christmas!

I have so much to do in the next three and a half weeks, and every time one of the kids talks about wishing Christmas was here sooner or how it's just three and a half weeks away, I freak out.  I have so many presents to buy and so few ideas (as always) and it never feels like it will get done.  It's weird because I was so eager for Christmas season to get here, given how late Thanksgiving was, and now that it's here I'm sort of like, wait, how'd it get here already?  It's December, for goodness sake!  We have lots of basketball coming up on weekends (along with a birthday party next weekend), practices during the week, and a couple other appointments to remember this week.  It basically tells me I'm not getting much done, so I'm going to have to find creative ways to chip away at the list.  I know I need to try to love this time--and I do--but the stress always challenges me.  And since I'm fresh off being sick for weeks on end, I don't want to get run down again.  I know the kids are excited, and I am too, but getting on a roll with Christmas always seems to take forever and I can't afford to let that happen this time.  Time to get organized and get this show on the road!  It's Christmastime, after all!

(S)Not Over Yet

So, more than six weeks into this sinus debacle, it's still not over.

I started antibiotic #2 last week, and it seemed like I was having slow but somewhat steady progress.  My right side was still very blocked up, but by the middle of this week I could get some airflow through and hear mucus rattling around in there, but it still wouldn't really blow out.  I generally felt halfway decent for a good portion of the day, but by mid-afternoon I usually had some sinus pressure that traveled from my eye down to my teeth, just on that one side.  Then I'd have a few sneezing episodes during the day, where the sinus pressure would get to be too much, I'd sneeze half a dozen times, and then have to blow my nose constantly for a solid 20-30 minutes.  But it was still better than I'd been, so I was hopeful.  Then on Wednesday night I sneezed and blew my nose, only to find the oddest thing I'd ever blown out.  It was mucus, but it was almost rubbery.  It didn't lose shape when I poked at it (as I had no idea what it was).  It wasn't hard or crusty--just solid with a little give.  It was nasty.  Of course, it came out of my good side, but even still I felt a bit better and started wondering if a mucus blob like that was what was blocking my right side.

Then came yesterday.  I'd felt the previous day like my nose was drying up a bit and felt that might be preventing what was there from coming out.  I figured I'd play around with the meds a bit to see if I could keep things loose without drying things up too much to blow out.  I opted to keep the Mucinex but skip the Flonase, but it backfired badly.  By the afternoon I was miserable again, like middle-of-the-worst-of-it pathetic.  On the bright side, that told me that I was just managing symptoms rather than actually getting to whatever was causing the problem, so that was my red flag to send a note to my doctor that I was going to call the ENT.  Also, the fact that it was consistently worse on one side (while the other was almost normal) was getting concerning to me, based on everything I was reading.

Of course, when I called, they initially wanted to set me up with the same doctor that I worked with on the smell test debacle, because he's a sinus expert, but given my negative association with him after he pretty much suggested nothing to help me, I wasn't interested.  He was booking into January anyway, so no thanks!  They took my info and said they'd call me back with availability for sooner, and maybe five minutes later they called with a last-minute opening for 4pm, which I was thrilled to take!

I got there and gave the nurse the rundown, and then did it again for a resident who was working with the doctor.  He took one look in my nose (not with anything fancy, just something to move my nostril), and said, "Wow!"  So, yeah, not good.  Later he numbed up the area and gave me something to clear it out so they could get a better look, then came back with the doctor, at which point they did an endoscopy to see what was happening.  There was a lot of mucus on the right side (duh) and they thought it looked pus-like (but doesn't most mucus?), which obviously would indicate a lingering infection.  Of course, after nearly two full courses of antibiotics, including one that definitely should have worked, it was unclear why it wasn't clearing.  Anyway, they took a sample for testing to see if there was some sort of antibiotic-resistant bacteria, and then suctioned out a lot of the mucus.  I wasn't really able to enjoy the relief, mind you, because my entire nose and much of my mouth were numb for a solid hour afterward, and it plugged back up after that.  It got extra awkward when I stopped for gas, Carter, and Wegmans and could not really feel my nose run at random.  Sexy.

Much to my dismay, the first course of action was to prescribe me steroids.  I hate prednisone with every fiber of my being, but here we go again.  Bring on the agitation, sleeplessness, dry mouth, and every other crazy side effect.  That should lessen the inflammation and help things get over the hump, though.  Then, based on the lab results, they could prescribe another antibiotic.  Oh, and they gave me the next generation of a NetiPot, a plastic squirt bottle.  I tried that but it couldn't get through the one side so it kept coming out of my mouth.  Gross.

I was still quite congested overnight, but I was finally able to get some decent force to blow on the right side, which hadn't been the case in weeks.  It basically felt like I was hitting a wall--or at least, the majority of the mucus was.  And suddenly I was getting decent, productive blows.  Today I feel significantly better, congestion-wise.  Airflow is considerably easier and there's way less to blow out.  I started out the day feeling a little iffy, but I think that had to do with a rough night of sleep.  We'll see how I feel tomorrow when the early effects of the prednisone start to hit.  But at least the congestion is better and I feel nearly human.

The doctors did say that it was possible that there was just so much happening up there that perhaps even with the antibiotics it just couldn't "break through", and I'm starting to think that's what happened.  Once my sinuses got a little relief from the suctioning, maybe it gave them the leg up they needed to start healing.  I saw a picture on the wall there of how the sinus can close off with swelling in a certain area, and it would effectively trap mucus up beyond it and irritate everything around it.  It made perfect sense and seemed exactly like what I was experiencing with the "wall" preventing the mucus from coming down.  There was no way to get it out, so the inflammation remained and I felt perpetually sick.  No wonder I had so much pressure!  

Adding to that theory is that I got the lab report this morning, and it said, "No organisms found," which I take to mean that there's no bacteria, and presumably no virus either.  The doctor never called, so while I'm not sure what to think, the progress speaks for itself.  Hopefully that visit and the steroids will be all that I needed to get on track.

The thing is, this has already been going on over six weeks, and now I have many days of steroid misery ahead.  Last time it took me a full week after steroids to feel normal, so I'm still looking at multiple weeks before I feel "normal".  By then we'll be well into Christmas season and I'm concerned about so many things.  I've been so sick for so long that I've probably been shirking a lot of less important responsibilities, and I know eventually those could come back to haunt me.  I haven't worked out in weeks and now I'm really out of the habit.  I'm still very tired most of the time, probably in part from the interrupted sleep for weeks on end.  Prednisone makes me miserable to live with most of the time, because I get snappy and easily agitated.  I tend to say things I shouldn't (and not care about the consequences).  I also recall having sleep issues and a horribly dry mouth, and looking back in the blog I had bad dreams, too.  Yay.  Given that I've been on edge anyway and the Christmas season is stressful, I can only imagine what ugly form that will take.  Craig and I have barely spent any time together since this illness started, for a combination of reasons.  He's been working more with his season starting, I've gone to bed earlier, we're both still tired enough to fall asleep with Carter half the time, and obviously any sort of close contact isn't advisable when you have an unknown illness that won't go away.  So, we'll have some rebuilding to do when possible, and hopefully this doesn't do more damage in the meantime if I let the day-to-day issues take over.  I'm usually pretty on edge with the kids as it is, so I'm worried about how much grumpier and shoutier I'll be over the next couple weeks with them.  How will I manage all the stress when I'm agitated, or get enough sleep if I'm already up late and having sleep issues?  I'm just really worried about these next few weeks and how I'll maintain my sanity.  I'm so thrilled to be even close to healthy, particularly considering how I felt about 36 hours ago, but prednisone brings with it a boatload of challenges, too.

Oh, and if that wasn't enough, this all has me thinking about the smell thing again, because if I'm clear of infections and chilling out my sinuses again, maybe I should be trying something new--be it the acupuncture (last night's doctor said the chiropractor has no logical connection to smell--though I still wouldn't mind trying since I know one), or something else I came across called alpha lipoic acid, which is an antioxidant that has had pretty decent results with anosmics like me who seem to have lost smell from an infection of some sort.  I'm debating if I should start it now while on the prednisone or just manage one set of possible side effects at a time (even though the ALA doesn't seem to have any).  We'll see.

Anyway, I can't call this illness over, but it's good to see progress for a change!  It has been far too long and there's finally a real light at the end of the tunnel.

Surviving Your Blessings

This morning as I was driving from Jacob's school to work (stuck in traffic as usual) I pondered how the traffic I was stuck in was somehow less intolerable than most traffic jams.  I decided that the east side route is a bit more scenic than most of my old commute, and that the change of scenery this year probably helped as well.  After all, one section of highway had been part of my commute for over 18 years, which struck me as sounding like a very long time to be doing the same thing.  My first year in Rochester, I took 531 to 490, then I moved to Greece and took 390 to 490 for many years.  When I changed jobs almost five years ago, my commute became exclusively 390 (part of it the same route as before, plus one new section).  But for 18 years I've been on that one section of 390, twice a day every work day.  No wonder I was ready for a change!  Almost anything would be more interesting at this point, right?

That 18-year realization, though, really struck me.  I've been a part of the working world for over 19 years now.  As of August 2020 it will officially be 20 years.  That's a long time, especially considering that period has coincided with a drastic evolution of my life, from a college student to a 40-something wife and mom of two.  The changes over the first 20 years of life are pretty dramatic, from a newborn to a young adult, but somehow it seems like once we're adults, since you don't see as much physical growth and change, the evolution slows.  But I can confirm that my life today looks a heck of a lot different than it did 20 years ago.

This morning a friend posted a meme on Facebook that said something like, "My kid tells me he can't wait to be an adult and do whatever he wants.  And I just laughed and laughed."  Because, of course, all we wanted to do as kids was grow up and do what we wanted, not what our parents demanded.  But the joke's on us, as every adult knows that grown-up life brings with it many limitations and responsibilities that tend to make us feel a bit handcuffed.  You want to travel?  Well, you need money and vacation time for that.  You want to buy (or redo) a house?  Ah, money again.  You want to do this expensive hobby?  Well, money and time can put a stop to that.  Not to mention things like figuring out dinner every night or having to work your free time around your kids' schedules.  You don't realize that as an adult you'll be beholden to bosses and children (and bills and time constraints) that demand a lot of your time and energy.

The thing that has only started to strike me in recent years, though, is that not every adult has those responsibilities to the same degree.  We all have something, mind you, but for many people, it looks very different.  As I've gotten up past typical childbearing age, I've realized there are a number of friends (and even family) that won't ever be parents, be it by choice or bad luck.  Some never get married, so they can make decisions for themselves most of the time.  Some people never choose to buy a house, so they never have the mortgage/tax burden or the maintenance concerns we do.  Some have a different job situation that changes how they manage their time or that allows them to be free from a boss' oversight.  We all have something, but we all made choices or had life take us in certain directions.  It's just interesting how we all tend to struggle in our own ways...or at least, most people I know seem to indicate most days they're still just trying to make it through.

As for me, on the surface I have the life I always dreamed of.  I have a loving husband and two kids.  I have a great, mostly intact extended family.  I have a lovely house in the suburbs.  I have a decent job that uses my talents well, and I even managed to have something very close to my dream job for a while.  But it turns out that just because it's a literal dream come true, that doesn't mean it's easy.  It struck me that with every blessing that's been added to my life, from a spouse, to a house, to kids, hass complicated things a bit further.  Not entirely in a bad way, mind you, but sometimes it's a lot to manage.  At the end of the day I wouldn't change a thing (well, maybe a couple minor details here and there--but not the big picture), but with each good thing comes an additional challenge.

I guess I sort of liken it to the Christmas season.  So many of us are passionate about Christmas--we love the lights, the music, the sentiments--and we wouldn't trade it for anything.  We revert to childlike excitement when we see exceptional decorations or get that one awesome gift.  It's a highlight of the year, no doubt.  But as the Christmas season approaches, I admit I get a sense of dread, or at least anxiety.  I know that for a full month I will be sleep-deprived, financially challenged, and constantly checking off a to-do list.  I will be planning, shopping, baking, wrapping, partying, and otherwise completely mentally and physically booked up for weeks.  It's exhausting enough that I know that despite my sadness when the lights disappear and the carols stop, I will also feel an immense sense of relief.  Again, I wouldn't really change the craziness for anything, but it is hard.  It is truly a love/hate relationship most of the time--the joy is ultimately worth the work, but there are individual moments in the middle where I'm not too sure.

But again, like the rest of life, the burdens of Christmas are merely evidence of a life well-lived.  The more people we have to buy for, it means that we have a lot of people to love (and that love us back).  The decorations are all part of having a cherished home to fill with Christmas cheer.  The endless parties and school events are proof of the many valuable connections we have.  While travel is always challenging, it means that we have family we love enough to make sure we can share the holiday with them.  It's all a part of the experience for us, and we wouldn't have it any other way.  But does it complicate things?  Sure.  Still....worth it.

So, Christmas is not unlike daily life--the richer your life, the more complicated it gets.  But it's what you do, and even if it's difficult in the middle of it, at the end of the day you know you're lucky.  My life has evolved significantly since I graduated from college and started my adult life.  If my life hadn't evolved since then, I'm not quite sure where I'd be.  I venture to say I'd have learned a lot less (or if not less, it would have to be a very high volume of different stuff!), and even if I had a great support network of friends and family, the depth of life experience couldn't be nearly what I've earned at this point.  It's overwhelming to think about how far I've come and how my mindset has shifted in so many ways.  It hasn't always been easy--in fact, a lot has been very hard--but much like everything else, there isn't much I'd change because it's all brought me to where I am today.

I guess it's all about perspective and remembering in the midst of the hard stuff that it's all worth it.  We may not feel appreciated, or maybe we won't feel the love in that moment, but it's there.  It's what makes it all worthwhile in the end and gives us the strength to do it all over again next year.  This is the good stuff, even if we don't feel it now.  Someday, these will be the good old days, after all.  Better to make them "good" in the moment, too, right?  Hang in there this holiday season, and hopefully we all get a chance to take a deep breath and see the love hiding there somewhere. 

One Good Day

Sometimes you just need one good day.

Most weekends without plans scare me a little.  Particularly when Craig is going to be out of the house working.  I woke up Saturday feeling a bit crappy.  I was a few days into my second antibiotic for this sinus mess and wasn't noticing a lot of improvement.  I had a rough evening and an equally bad night of sleep again, and despite 12 hours in bed, I woke up feeling a bit cruddy.  But once I was up and moving, I started to feel better.  A lot better, like breathing through both nostrils and only blowing my nose a few times better.  It was a sunny day, I wasn't that congested, and maybe I could do this so much better than usual.

Carter's sun catcher looked so pretty in the bright sun (but just ignore the snow in the background)...

Then I noticed that my blooming violets sparkled so pretty in the sun.  Hard to get the camera to capture it, but there were gorgeous little pink sparkles on each leaf.

I had banned Carter from electronics early in the day, as he has no willpower and I didn't want to spend the day fighting him.  I know he can play with toys, but he just needs no other options.  He did a good job keeping himself occupied, and after lunch, he ran his Magic Tracks car through a magnetic tile tunnel he built and realized how it very naturally flipped up a tile at the end of the tunnel, almost like a doggy door.  Then he wanted to get it to automatically get back on its track.  And of course he wanted me to record it.  And after a bunch of bloopers, we finally got this one...



After that success, we went outside to play in the snow.  It was cold, but the sun took off the edge so it wasn't too bad.  We tried to make snowballs and snowmen, but the snow was still a bit too dry to pack well.  But it was fun to explore...  

Carter had fun with the snowballs we could make...even if they barely lasted after handling them once.

Fumble!

Another one!

He purposely liked to flop in the snow!

We were out for about an hour, and finished up by trying to sled down a small plow hill on a little "butt sled" we have.  Then I took him on a sled ride around the house.  We came across a giant icicle hanging from the back of the garage.  I figured I'd knock it down (which was probably dumb) to take the weight off the gutter, and finally this giant chunk (a "shield", as Carter called it) came down.  

So big compared to my boots!

The ice looked so cool!  It shimmered so pretty in the sun!

For the most part, the boys were pretty pleasant.  I had a couple fights to break up, but they were mostly fine.  I was struggling with what to make for dinner, but I decided that since Craig was gone, we could take advantage of the lack of lactose intolerance and the boys' love of shrimp.  Aldi's shrimp is pretty cheap and I had some in the freezer, so I quickly found a couple recipes on Pinterest--one for a lighter alfredo pasta that I had all the ingredients for, and another for garlic butter shrimp that could go with it.  It was so easy to make, and the boys loved it!

Bedtime went smoothly, and I had a nice evening just relaxing, blogging, and catching up on TV.  I had a bit of a sinus flare-up during that time, but by bedtime I felt so much better and I slept rather well without constantly waking up to blow my nose.  It really was a great day that led into a great night!  It felt so good for a change!

Today, of course, was a bit more mixed on all counts.  I still feel better in general but had a couple more flare-ups.  The boys fought a ton more.  We went shopping as a family (and me solo) with decent but not ideal results.  I washed our sheer curtains for the first time ever (gross, I know) and one had rotted a bit in the sun so it tore in the process.  You know, just a mixed bag.  Now we're facing down one full week of work and school before the long Thanksgiving weekend (for all except Craig...boo), and it seems like quite a mountain to climb to get there.  We will, one day at a time as usual...and then panicking when it gets here because there's too much to get done before the holiday and the official start of the Christmas season!  Here we go again...

Love, Middle School Style

So, Jacob has his first middle school crush situation.  I'll spare you the details, but I need to work through this a bit, so bear with me.  Jacob has had a couple "girlfriends" over the years, including the girl he gave a Christmas gift to in second grade, and a girl he was sort of with in fourth grade.  But middle school is the real deal, and he's been hoping to find a girlfriend for a bit now.  I keep telling him there should be no rush because it's not that great at his age anyway (I mean, who wants their parents to drive them to a date?).  But there's this girl...and she likes basketball.

Long story short, modern middle school love isn't that much different than old school middle school love.  There's still the go-between friend, and instead of the note with the "Check yes or no", it's awkward text messages.  In the end, while this girl admitted she likes him, she's not allowed to date.  He's aiming to be more than friends but not "boyfriend-girlfriend", but then he's so nervous about the whole thing he could barely talk to her after all the text messages went down.  So, it's definitely not smooth sailing.  Ironically, he's telling me how he doesn't know what he's doing with all of this stuff, and I'm trying to give him advice that he's not listening to.  Ahh, typical.

It's definitely made me think a lot about being in sixth grade and how young love felt back then.  I had crushes on boys--most especially one boy--from the time I was in Kindergarten.  It never really went beyond a couple kisses on the cheek behind the bookshelf (haha) but by fifth grade we did end up being "official", with sitting next to each other at lunch, hand grazes in the pew during chapel, and one surprise kiss on the cheek that I can recall.  When I was in sixth grade, we almost got to the point of going on a date (to a Milli Vanilli concert, of all things!), but he broke up with me partway through the year to go out with a new girl in the class, who also happened to be quite developed (and I found out later, quite advanced in the physical realm)!  I'm not sure if he was the beneficiary of any of that, mind you, but it didn't last long and we did sort of get back together at some point, for a while at least.  I continued to have a crush on him at various times right through ninth grade, when we happened to share an earth science class.

When I think back on it now, it all seems a little silly, but those feelings were very real back then.  The getting together was euphoric and the breakup was crushing.  I'm trying to keep that in mind before I dismiss Jacob and his situation.  At the same time, I'm trying to keep him level-headed about it--that yes, it's cool, but you need to take it slow and keep things chill.  There's no need to rush the physical stuff (and I feel like there's more pressure for that now), and without the actual clearance to "date", there's only so much that goes into a relationship.  I warned him to not get too pushy in getting her to commit, because that could turn her off.  Just get to know her better and see where it goes.  In the end, I guess I'm just happy he's still willing to talk to me about it, so I'm trying to be as careful with what I say as I can.

I had this realization the other night that watching your child go through relationships is complicated.  On one hand, you don't want to see them get hurt, so you could hope that their sixth grade love is THE one.  They'll never know heartbreak, and they'll have one heck of a love story.  But when you think about it, so much learning and even fun happens through the dating process.  Yes, there's heartbreak, and it sucks.  But even that is a learning experience.  What kind of adult would you be, and how unprepared for life, if you never feel the hurt caused by losing love?  Whether you're the one causing the loss, or someone else is, there are learning experiences on either side.  And in between heartbreaks, there can be a lot of fun!  Not just the physical stuff, but the carefree dates and the excitement of new love.  You learn so much about thoughtfulness and caring for someone else more than yourself.  You learn how to get close to someone emotionally, and how to work through disagreements.  You make mistakes and do it better next time.  You learn what you like and don't like in a partner.  For all of the "I kissed dating goodbye" stuff I read in college (and that guy came out and said he was wrong, by the way), I strongly feel that dating teaches you a ton.  I'm not saying it should be taken lightly or done frivolously--I think if both parties are at the same level, maybe some of that is okay, particularly at Jacob's age--but if you do it as a conscious journey to find your way to forever, it's a valuable experience.  And I'd hate to see Jacob deprived of that by finding his true love at age 11.  Maybe the perfect scenario is to find your true love early, separate and see the world, then find your way back to each other as older, wiser humans.  Who knows?

Tweenhood and teenhood are no joke.  We're going to be doing a lot of learning together as we go through this process, and I'm admittedly terrified.  But for all the fighting we do, I think there's still a degree of trust there, and I hope he'll continue to talk to us (though based on recent experiences,  probably me) about the tough stuff as he goes through this process.  No one loves him more than us, so if he needs an advocate, we're here for him.  We're getting closer to the "spectator" role in parenthood, and it's not easy, but for now we'll be as helpful as we can with guiding him without depriving him of the very important learning experiences he'll need as he gets older.  I can't say we'll do it well, but we'll sure as heck try.

Going, Going...

This morning I took a 45 minute drive to the other side of Rochester to donate the rest of the baby gear.  After doing the first couple rounds of consignment, I came to the realization that a lot of what we had left may not be salvageable, at least not in that way.  But so much of it still had a lot of use left, maybe as a backup, or for someone who has very little money to spare and just needs enough to get by.  Some of it was in shockingly good shape, even, for having gone through two kids and more than 11 years of life.  But when a lot of charities don't take that kind of gear, what's the alternative?  I dumped some things--forever stained (and trust me, everything got a round of OxyClean first), tacky aged plastic, items very well used but kept just in case--and it sort of killed me a little inside to feel so wasteful.  So I wanted to clean up as much as I could and get it to somewhere that could use it.

I had set aside two bags of linens--baby towels, crib sheets, waterproof pads, bibs, burb cloths--and was originally going to give them to an organization I work with through my job.  But I had so many other things--two strollers, two high chairs, a booster seat, a vibrating baby seat, a pack-n-play with all of its parts, a breast pump, a shopping cart cover, Boppy pillow and covers, a Moby wrap, a Baby Bjorn carrier, a winter car seat cover, and stroller netting.  But then one day we received a "Community Wish Book" in our town paper, and I looked for anywhere that might take the high chairs in particular, which I felt were in good shape aside from staining on the straps.  I found a place in Canandaigua, a ways out of town but just close enough, that looked promising.  I sent them an email to see if any of the stuff I had left might work.  And sure enough, they would take pretty much everything!

The organization provides help in multiple ways to potential, pregnant, and new moms and other relatives, including incarcerated moms.  They do parenting classes where families can earn "money" to buy items in their store.  The items I donated today will go into that store.  I was just so relieved to find somewhere that would take everything so it wouldn't go to waste.  What's the point of keeping things nice if they can't be used again?

So, today I took some time off work and made the drive.  In addition to the director, there was an elderly volunteer helping sort through donations, and the look on her face when we started bringing everything in was priceless.  She just looked so thrilled!  That made me feel so good that there was someone who believed in the organization so much to be so happy to receive these donations.  I really, truly hope that people who need them are able to benefit from the donations.

But I won't lie...it still felt a little sad.  I'm thrilled to be clearing things out and making room in the crawl space.  I know it's important to start moving on and embrace the new phase of life we're in.  The fact of the matter is that we don't need those things anymore.  They're either going to sit and rot in there or they're going to move on to a new life somewhere else, and there's no need to let them go to waste just because it's sometimes tempting to hold on to physical items that evoke memories.  Oh, the hours spent with each of those items...well, aside from the shopping cart cover (too much work), netting (not enough bugs), and Moby (which I really wanted to like but never really got the hang of).

• High chairs - First solid foods, so many new foods, countless dinners
• Booster chair - Lots of hectic meals away from home, but usually surrounded by loved ones
• Strollers - I mean, how much time did we spend with those?  Newborn walks with Jacob, trips to the mall, vacations, zoo visits...so many adventures.
• Baby seat - It was often my savior with Jacob because the vibrations seemed to calm him.  His baby announcement picture was even taken in that seat.
• Breast pump - Yes, it was a bit of a torture device, but we spent many hours together in the handicap bathroom at work.  I started reading the bible while I pumped, too, and it was the pre-smart phone era, so I have very quiet, blissful memories with that thing.
• Car seat cover - Oh, the cute faces peeking out at me from that hole!  And it was a nice bonus to not have to bundle my babies up in coats and then strap them into car seats.
• Boppy - I remember being very pleased with the fun, gender neutral covers I had picked out, and I strangely loved alternating back and forth between them every few days early on.  And I used that pillow for nursing support, to cradle my newborns, and to help them sit up in later months.  So much useI  And after a good soak yesterday to remove the infamous yellow stains, wouldn't you know that thing puffed right back up in the dryer from it's somewhat flattened state?
• Baby Bjorn -  The Bjorn may have killed my back at times, but it was a life saver in every other way.  My arms didn't have to constantly hold a baby, and the kids were generally pretty content in it when we were out at so many sporting events and countless other places where strollers weren't functional.
• Pack-n-Play - Where do I begin?  It was the original newborn nap spot, the most frequent newborn changing table (and where I experienced projectile poop for the first time), a constant travel companion (oh, the hours spent hovering over the side rubbing a baby's back while at Craig's parents' house), and my playpen savior when I desperately needed to take a shower.  When I pulled all of the newborn parts out last night (the bassinet, changing table, mobile, and caddy), it brought back a lot of memories of those early days.  When I retrieved the little nightlight/music attachment, I realized that there were probably still batteries inside because I never realized it when it was our last time using it, so I never took them out.  As expected, they had corroded.  I desperately tried to scrape out battery acid and clear off the contacts inside.  It took about three tries, but I finally got it to work.  When I hit all of those buttons to listen to the music and nature sounds one last time, wow...did the memories ever come rushing back.  So many attempts at getting a baby or toddler to sleep in a loud house down below were made with that music and the water sounds in the background.  I don't necessarily miss those days, mind you, but this made it pretty clear that those days are over--and have been for a while.

The good news is that I have photo evidence of almost every one of those things, so I will always have those memories.  And slowly but surely I'm realizing it's okay to not have those physical items close by.  Don't get me wrong--I still have a bunch of things packed away.  Maybe they're for the boys, maybe they're more for me.  I still have a lot of tough decisions ahead, both with the clothes and more so with the toys.  We have a lot of classics floating around here--Legos, Playmobil, Hot Wheels, Imaginext, magnetic tiles--to go with the Little People and Peek-a-Blocks I already have put away.  Unless I can convince Carter to cut down on screens and embrace toys a bit more for the next couple years, those decisions will be coming sooner than I can bear.  It's still just a matter of thinking rationally about what the boys might appreciate, what will stand the test of time, and what might come in handy as a grandparent.  God knows I have enough trouble getting rid of my own nostalgic stuff, let alone theirs, particularly before I know what kind of adults they will become.  But paring down the clutter and making good use of what we don't need is important, too.  One step at a time, we'll get there.

News and Notes, Random Updates Edition

I know I just did a News & Notes post, but I guess we haven't had any significant stuff happening lately so all I have are snippets to cobble together!

Since the last post had a notable anniversary, so should this one.  Twelve years ago today I found out I was pregnant!  Hard to believe.  I mean, in some ways it feels like we've been parents forever, but considering how vividly I remember some parts of that day, it's amazing it's been that long.  I'd just come back from the awesome but utterly exhausting trip to see the Chihuly exhibit in Pittsburgh.  I didn't sleep well on the trip due to a huge dinner (my pregnancy digestion was SLOW) and rooming with two snorers, so I thought it was just that.  I had all day Sunday to recover, but I was still spent on Monday.  In the prior couple weeks I had come off taking some drugs to get my cycle on track so we could try to get pregnant, and yet my body wasn't responding how the doctor said it would.  In fact, I was feeling so fatigued that I was convinced something was wrong.  Before I called the doctor again, I knew I should stop and get a test because they'd definitely ask me if I was pregnant.  I'd had a blood test a few weeks earlier before I started the medication and it came back negative, but in retrospect, presumably I got pregnant right before or right after that test.  I drove home on that rainy night and stopped to get tests at the dollar store (I think it took two stops, actually), and the positive on the test was plain as day almost immediately!  It was shocking and exciting and terrifying, all at the same time.  And just as I suspected that night, nothing has been the same since!  I think to some degree I still find the second half of November to be a bit mentally challenging because I so vividly remember the isolation of being pregnant, feeling sick all the time, being incredibly nervous about miscarrying, and not being able to tell anyone about it.  I think together with the colder weather and the dreaded approach of winter, it has just stuck with me all these years.  But everything--including the very existence of this blog--can be attributed to the new reality that began that day.

Last week seemed busy as usual but was generally uneventful.  Jacob is enjoying his practices with his new basketball team, which starts playing in a few more weeks.  Carter had his flu shot, which was traumatizing as usual in the moment, but a non-event once we stopped at Tim Horton's for consolation Timbits.  I feel like I did a lot of evening running around--grocery shopping, winter coat shopping, killing time during basketball practice, etc.  On Friday we headed to Buffalo and Craig and I went to an art exhibit for his cousin, who is a fantastic photographer.  The exhibit was at a studio in my hometown, ironically, and it was fun to see a bunch of his family on my turf!  We even snuck in a drink at a local bar while we were kid-free!  On Saturday Craig was off to do Knighthawks stuff at the arena in Buffalo, and my mom and I went to a bazaar at her old church (a long-standing family tradition, with my grandma back in the day) and a craft and vendor sale in the gym at our old church/school (oh, man, the memories...so many hours spent there).  We stopped back home and picked up Jacob before heading to my parents' current church, which was doing a giant basket raffle.  It's quite the event, with over 200 prizes--mostly theme baskets but some large ticket items, as well.  We didn't win anything (much to Jacob's dismay), but we did have a pretty good time dreaming about it.  After that we swung back and picked up my dad and Carter before driving to Rochester (in my parents' car--they then dropped us at home so we could drive separately) for my cousin Lori's housewarming party at the house she took over from her mom, who moved back to our hometown.  It made for a very long, very full day, but it was a good one.  Although, I should mention that as we were packing up for Rochester, I managed to whack myself in the eyebrow with my parents' car door.  I was opening it and must have started bending down too soon to pop the trunk, and either their door was heavier or is shaped differently than mine, so when it swung open, it clipped me just above my left eyebrow.  I was shocked to see bleeding, which I then saw was from quite a gash, but luckily it seems to be healing okay.  But after twisting my ankle on Monday (stepping off a curb and having my heel land on a stick, which immediately made my ankle give out) and not feeling much better from my sinus infection, it was definitely the cherry on top of a tough week physically.

And no, my sinus infection (or whatever it is) is still hanging in there.  I actually felt almost functional on Friday, the last day of antibiotics.  I wasn't feeling so gross or tired, and what was coming out of my nose seemed much less icky.  But then I was a bit of a mess again on Saturday, so I laid off the Mucinex in hopes that things would dry up a bit--which I needed after constant noseblowing.  But now I'm still congested on the one side and there's still thicker stuff coming out at times.  I'm feeling considerably better than I was during the worst of it, but I'm clearly still not healthy.  I'm sleeping better thanks to one mostly clear nasal passage, though, which does help.  Still waiting to hear back from the doctor to see if more needs to be done for the side that will not clear out.

Over the last couple days we were thrown head-on into winter with a pretty significant snowstorm.  It feels really early for 8-10 inches of snow, mid-20s high temps, and single-digit wind chills, but it's here nonetheless.  I actually panicked a bit yesterday because I knew my car needed new tires (even rain was making them a bit slick), so I called the mechanic before the snow really got going and was able to drop it off.  I then spent the afternoon at home, safely watching the snow pile up.  It was pretty nasty by early evening when we went to pick up the car, but thank goodness I got the tires because the commute was rough.  I was up at 5:30 and dragged Craig out to shovel with me so we could get it clear before I had to hop in the shower shortly after 6am, in order to ensure I could get Jacob to school on time.  Luckily we had an uneventful morning, because we needed all the extra time to get him to school just on time, and then I spent another 45 minutes driving to work--80 minutes in the car in all.  Ugh.  I was ready for a nap before I even got to work.  Thank goodness I brought caffeine with me.  I am not ready for this yet.  Give me a couple more weeks to get through Thanksgiving and I will be totally on board...but for now, I just want easy commutes and a little more fall.

I spent most of the snowy day freaking out about our health insurance.  It's open enrollment time at work.  For as long as I have had health insurance, I have had a PPO plan.  Last year there was a tool as part of our enrollment kit that lets you fill in a bunch of information and it tells you which plan is better for you.  When I tried it out last year, it told me that we should have a high-deductible plan.  I was doubtful and assumed that I probably forgot to enter some things into the calculations.  I just didn't have the brainpower to work through it beyond that, I guess, so I just kept our old plan.  Well, I did it again this year and once again it said the high-deductible plan is better.  It even had a graph showing where the money was going (premiums, co-pays/co-insurance) plus what a worst-case scenario would look like, and it was clearly saying (by a solid couple thousand) that the other plan was better.  Huh.  I obsessed over it most of the day, asked people on Facebook, and crunched numbers over and over again.  I spent nearly an hour on the phone (mostly on hold) with the insurance company trying to unlock my online account (oops) and then figure out what my one Tier 2 doctor (my allergist) might cost me.  All numbers keep pointing to us changing, but it scares the crap out of me because so many people insist that you can't do one of those plans with kids.  But then a couple people insisted it worked for them, and again--the math keeps saying that we'll spend less out of pocket with the high-deductible plan because the premiums are significantly lower whereas the maximum out-of-pocket (which doesn't count premiums) is only slightly higher.  Then when you take into consideration FSAs and HSAs, and pre-tax considerations...it's so much to consider.  Oh, and they made vision coverage separate, too.  It's moments like this that I wish my brain didn't shut down at the sight of financial scenarios.  Banking, health care, insurance, investments...it all makes me nuts.  I'm lucky I can balance my checkbook at this point.  Craig is probably even worse in most cases (though he did get life insurance and some investments taken care of years ago), so I'm essentially on my own with this one.  I have ten days to figure it all out.  Wish me luck!

The rest of the baby stuff (minus the clothes) is going on Thursday.  Bittersweet but necessary.  If I know myself, more on that later.  For now, off to bed.  Hoping for a healthier, less snowy day tomorrow...