This morning as I was driving from Jacob's school to work (stuck in traffic as usual) I pondered how the traffic I was stuck in was somehow less intolerable than most traffic jams. I decided that the east side route is a bit more scenic than most of my old commute, and that the change of scenery this year probably helped as well. After all, one section of highway had been part of my commute for over 18 years, which struck me as sounding like a very long time to be doing the same thing. My first year in Rochester, I took 531 to 490, then I moved to Greece and took 390 to 490 for many years. When I changed jobs almost five years ago, my commute became exclusively 390 (part of it the same route as before, plus one new section). But for 18 years I've been on that one section of 390, twice a day every work day. No wonder I was ready for a change! Almost anything would be more interesting at this point, right?
That 18-year realization, though, really struck me. I've been a part of the working world for over 19 years now. As of August 2020 it will officially be 20 years. That's a long time, especially considering that period has coincided with a drastic evolution of my life, from a college student to a 40-something wife and mom of two. The changes over the first 20 years of life are pretty dramatic, from a newborn to a young adult, but somehow it seems like once we're adults, since you don't see as much physical growth and change, the evolution slows. But I can confirm that my life today looks a heck of a lot different than it did 20 years ago.
This morning a friend posted a meme on Facebook that said something like, "My kid tells me he can't wait to be an adult and do whatever he wants. And I just laughed and laughed." Because, of course, all we wanted to do as kids was grow up and do what we wanted, not what our parents demanded. But the joke's on us, as every adult knows that grown-up life brings with it many limitations and responsibilities that tend to make us feel a bit handcuffed. You want to travel? Well, you need money and vacation time for that. You want to buy (or redo) a house? Ah, money again. You want to do this expensive hobby? Well, money and time can put a stop to that. Not to mention things like figuring out dinner every night or having to work your free time around your kids' schedules. You don't realize that as an adult you'll be beholden to bosses and children (and bills and time constraints) that demand a lot of your time and energy.
The thing that has only started to strike me in recent years, though, is that not every adult has those responsibilities to the same degree. We all have something, mind you, but for many people, it looks very different. As I've gotten up past typical childbearing age, I've realized there are a number of friends (and even family) that won't ever be parents, be it by choice or bad luck. Some never get married, so they can make decisions for themselves most of the time. Some people never choose to buy a house, so they never have the mortgage/tax burden or the maintenance concerns we do. Some have a different job situation that changes how they manage their time or that allows them to be free from a boss' oversight. We all have something, but we all made choices or had life take us in certain directions. It's just interesting how we all tend to struggle in our own ways...or at least, most people I know seem to indicate most days they're still just trying to make it through.
As for me, on the surface I have the life I always dreamed of. I have a loving husband and two kids. I have a great, mostly intact extended family. I have a lovely house in the suburbs. I have a decent job that uses my talents well, and I even managed to have something very close to my dream job for a while. But it turns out that just because it's a literal dream come true, that doesn't mean it's easy. It struck me that with every blessing that's been added to my life, from a spouse, to a house, to kids, hass complicated things a bit further. Not entirely in a bad way, mind you, but sometimes it's a lot to manage. At the end of the day I wouldn't change a thing (well, maybe a couple minor details here and there--but not the big picture), but with each good thing comes an additional challenge.
I guess I sort of liken it to the Christmas season. So many of us are passionate about Christmas--we love the lights, the music, the sentiments--and we wouldn't trade it for anything. We revert to childlike excitement when we see exceptional decorations or get that one awesome gift. It's a highlight of the year, no doubt. But as the Christmas season approaches, I admit I get a sense of dread, or at least anxiety. I know that for a full month I will be sleep-deprived, financially challenged, and constantly checking off a to-do list. I will be planning, shopping, baking, wrapping, partying, and otherwise completely mentally and physically booked up for weeks. It's exhausting enough that I know that despite my sadness when the lights disappear and the carols stop, I will also feel an immense sense of relief. Again, I wouldn't really change the craziness for anything, but it is hard. It is truly a love/hate relationship most of the time--the joy is ultimately worth the work, but there are individual moments in the middle where I'm not too sure.
But again, like the rest of life, the burdens of Christmas are merely evidence of a life well-lived. The more people we have to buy for, it means that we have a lot of people to love (and that love us back). The decorations are all part of having a cherished home to fill with Christmas cheer. The endless parties and school events are proof of the many valuable connections we have. While travel is always challenging, it means that we have family we love enough to make sure we can share the holiday with them. It's all a part of the experience for us, and we wouldn't have it any other way. But does it complicate things? Sure. Still....worth it.
So, Christmas is not unlike daily life--the richer your life, the more complicated it gets. But it's what you do, and even if it's difficult in the middle of it, at the end of the day you know you're lucky. My life has evolved significantly since I graduated from college and started my adult life. If my life hadn't evolved since then, I'm not quite sure where I'd be. I venture to say I'd have learned a lot less (or if not less, it would have to be a very high volume of different stuff!), and even if I had a great support network of friends and family, the depth of life experience couldn't be nearly what I've earned at this point. It's overwhelming to think about how far I've come and how my mindset has shifted in so many ways. It hasn't always been easy--in fact, a lot has been very hard--but much like everything else, there isn't much I'd change because it's all brought me to where I am today.
I guess it's all about perspective and remembering in the midst of the hard stuff that it's all worth it. We may not feel appreciated, or maybe we won't feel the love in that moment, but it's there. It's what makes it all worthwhile in the end and gives us the strength to do it all over again next year. This is the good stuff, even if we don't feel it now. Someday, these will be the good old days, after all. Better to make them "good" in the moment, too, right? Hang in there this holiday season, and hopefully we all get a chance to take a deep breath and see the love hiding there somewhere.
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