I've been doing pretty good at keeping my videos uploaded to YouTube in a timely manner (all things considered), and there are a few I need to share...from the past couple months...
Here's one from Labor Day weekend of Carter giggling with Craig...
And here is why I've been so fascinated by jellyfish lately, as seen at The Seas in EPCOT. It's just so entrancing...
And here is a video I got of Carter on our last night in Florida when he was in a super giggly mood...
Oh, that laugh...it gets me every time!
And finally, here's one showing Carter trying to pull up, per my post the other day...
He's getting so close to crawling, but he's able to move around pretty good right now as it is. I really need to start utilizing the pack-n-play as a playpen very soon because too many of Jacob's little toys are all over the living room and serving as very good motivation to move! I lowered his crib mattress tonight, since I think he will be able to pull up on the rails very soon and I don't want to risk him falling out. I hate lowering it because it makes it considerably harder to put a sleeping baby in without jostling him, but obviously safety comes first! I can't believe how big he's getting!
In other news...I have once again returned to the ranks of those with "Mom Hair". I obsessed over this greatly back when Jacob was born, but as with most second kids, the obsession dies down a bit. I think I started growing my hair out, somewhat accidentally, three years ago. I don't have a ton of pictures of myself, so I have to sort of guess, but it appears that I let it get a little longer in the fall of 2010, and it continued on from there. It was a combination of laziness and not wanting to spend the money so often, and then I think it morphed into, "Well, I haven't done this style in a while, and maybe it looks a little more fun and young." Then I added bangs into the mix, and I guess that just opened the door even more to something different. I swore after my wedding that my hair would never be long again, but 10 years later it was. The problem is that Carter had an uncanny ability (from the day he was born) to grab fistfuls of it, and then compounded with the usual hormone-induced postpartum hair loss, the long hair was a major pain in the neck. I'm still shedding a ton, which I worry is more stress now than anything. It got to the point where it just sort of hung there, and it's rare for me to do anything with it, so what was the point? While I think it looked better than it did when I was younger (hormones?), I was pretty much bored with it and ready for a change. It took a couple weeks for schedules to work out where I could duck out for 45 minutes to get it done, but I did yesterday. I'm pretty sure about six inches came off. It went from somewhere between my neck and my bra strap to about an inch above my shoulders. I'm not sure I love it yet because I can't decide if it's too much in the middle (not shoulder-length long-ish, not short enough to be spunky). I've gotten "cute" as an adjective so far (well, and "bad" from Jacob...thanks, kid), which isn't really what I'm going for, but maybe once I have it for a bit I can refine it a little easier. It's definitely a big change, but I think it was needed. I was mostly just relieved that Carter still knew exactly who I was! I'll post a picture one of these days...
We had a good weekend. Jacob went up to Canada with Craig for a lacrosse game on Saturday, which left Carter and me at home to be productive. We did lots of errand running and he was an angel as always. Sunday I got my haircut right after lunch, and then we all went out for a nature walk that Jacob had to do for homework. We had to pick up leaves and whatever else for him to take into school. We walked over to the elementary school around the corner (Jacob will go there starting in third grade), and the boys played some basketball and lacrosse. It started to sprinkle as we were making our way back home, but it was nice to do something fall-ish. After a good dinner, I took the boys out to Target (in full-fledged rain) to look at Halloween costumes. We got part of Jacob's costume, and it confirmed that I needed to order Carter's costume online, which I did tonight.
Jacob's behavior in general was difficult as always, but we did manage some pleasant breaks in the insanity. He actually did really well at daycare on Friday and today, as well. Back to school tomorrow. Just another 10 days before his test and hopefully the start of getting him back on track via diet. We meet with his therapist on Thursday without him, and hopefully she'll have some insights, as well. And yes, the next 10 days will be a continuing tour de gluten as I try to clear out my pantry and say goodbye to various meals and restaurants we've come to love. I'm still not sure what we'll be eating once we go gluten-free, but I really just need to sit down and start making lists. But that is a task for another day...
Lots going on...more soon!
Monday, October 14, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
Dear Jacob...
Dear Jacob,
Usually I only write you letters on your birthday, but perhaps I feel the need right now because I feel like you haven't listened to a word I've said in months, and I miss that connection. Even if you'll never read it, I hope this at least makes me feel a little better getting it out.
Suffice it to say that we haven't had a good few months. It's definitely been tough since Carter was born, but the last couple months have been impossible. All you want to do is hit us, kick us, and ignore every word we say. Getting you to do anything is nearly impossible, and Mommy and Daddy are both so exhausted dealing with it that sometimes we have to switch off out of necessity. To be fair, Daddy has taken the brunt of it lately, mostly because you want to be with him all of the time anyway, and partly because he can control his temper around you far more than I can. I do spend a lot of time with Carter, mostly because Daddy's usually busy with you and because keeping track of Carter's schedule and needs isn't really his strong point. In the morning and at bedtime he needs a series of medicines and once you get a system down, it's hard to break it up. Most of the rest of the time you just want to be playing with Daddy anyway. I miss having fun times together with you. And while I'd love to have more, right now every moment I spend with you is a literal battle...I'm constantly deflecting your flailing extremities.
I can't even describe to you how hard these months have been. You haven't always been the easiest kid to deal with, but right now I'd give good money to have a version of you from a couple years ago hanging around, because at least I could have a decent conversation and some fun with you without being under attack. I don't know what's going on with you, and that is killing me. I don't know if we somehow screwed up along the way with discipline, or if the gluten or something else is causing your brain to misfire so badly that you're nearly impossible to live with. I feel like we've tried so many tactics to manage it, but nothing seems to work. It's taken a lot of joy out of parenting, and I can't imagine you're really having a good time either, even though you seem to think it's pretty funny when you try to hurt us.
You call us bad parents and mean parents, mostly because we discipline you. You don't seem to understand that it's our job, no matter how many times we try to explain that. Going to bed is not just something mean parents make you do. Neither is going to school or getting dressed. That's what we're supposed to make you do...really. It's good for you. Seriously, you have no idea how good you have it. Your complete denial of reality and logic right now are what make me worry that your issues go beyond gluten. I know gluten can have a huge impact, but your entire sense of reality right now is so confounding, so bizarre, that I fear for your future if we can't get this figured out. We're at a loss right now, and when you're a parent, that is a very scary thing. All you want to do is help your child succeed, and when that is challenged, it is crippling.
A lot of people want to blame your issues on Carter's arrival. I'm sure it had a little something to do with it, but the timing doesn't really match up. You may have gotten a little worse when he was born, but the worst of it came six months later without warning or reason. I really hoped you'd like him by now, but it hasn't happened yet. You're sometimes intrigued, but that's as far as it goes. I'm sad for both of you, because you're both missing out on so much fun. And I'm sad I don't get to see you enjoying each other's company, since that was one of the things I was looking forward to most. That you were getting a brother was one of the things that eased my sadness of not having a girl. But I guess that was all for naught. We wanted to give you a sibling that could be your friend for life. We really thought we were doing something good for you. Turns out that, at least in the short term, that may not be the case. But I'm holding out hope that someday you'll understand how awesome it is to have a brother. And you may not believe it right now, but he's really been low-maintenance as far as babies go, so he's already done you a big favor. God only knows how much bigger of a mess we'd be in if he was colicky or a major crier.
I keep hoping that years from now we'll look back on this time and marvel at just how messed up things were. Hopefully by then it'll be a distant memory and we'll have moved on to greener pastures. We'll wonder how we made it through and you'll laugh at how silly it was to think hitting us would have gotten you your way. Just like all of your other health issues over the years that we worried about like crazy, hopefully this one will be just another blip in the radar. Yes, going gluten-free is going to be a big change, and we'll be so sad to not be able to go certain places or eat certain things anymore, but I'm going to do what I can to make this transition easier on you.
I can't even describe how amazing it would be to have the real you back. To have the intelligent, silly, creative you, stripped of the violence and the defiance that overshadows the rest...it just sounds so nice. The moments when we were in Florida where you were genuinely excited, like when you finally got into the waterslide, were little flickers of the you I wanted to see on that trip. Unfortunately those flickers never became anything more, and so much of the trip felt like a wasted opportunity. You're finally old enough to remember some of these experiences for a lifetime, but it's so hard to see you holding yourself back with stubbornness and anger. Other people I know have these awesome conversations, photo ops, and experiences with their kids your age, and yet we're fighting battles at every turn. There are so many things I'd like to do with you, but most of the time it's not worth the effort because all we get is resistance. You're only going to be five for a little while, and I hate that this is the version we're getting. Five should be so much better, for all of us. We miss the old you so much.
Of course, my big worry is that my dream of a happier you might never happen. I worry about what happens if going gluten-free doesn't help, if you get diagnosed with something so much bigger than we could have ever imagined. Mental illness is a scary thing, because so many people try to get help and for whatever reason, it doesn't work. Sometimes all the money and the love in the world can't fix everything, and my greatest fear is that we won't be able to help you. I look at the many pictures I have of you--perfect, sweet baby pictures, smiley toddler pictures, even pictures where I'm reminded of how stubborn you may have been in that moment--and it breaks my heart to think of where we are now. How it's hard for me to be in the same room with you, how I wonder to what lengths we'll have to go to to help you, and how what we do might not feel like help at times. I wonder if what we do could crush your spirit forever and make you feel like we've given up on you.
Part of the problem is that we're not sure what you can help and what you can't. Sometimes it seems like you can control things, and sometimes you can't. It's unpredictable, and it makes it hard to have an appropriate reaction all the time. When we feel like it's something you can't help, it's easier to be patient, but then when you do something that seems like you did it on purpose, and it's hard to keep our composure. It's awful to have your own child beating on you constantly, and if the roles were reversed, we'd be in jail. But there just isn't much we can do right now beyond what we're doing. We're in a holding pattern at the moment, and it's so incredibly hard.
When I started this blog nearly six years ago (!), I hoped that someday you might want to read it. It's gotten pretty long so it would be an awful lot of reading for anyone, but knowing how things are right now, I'd have to say that the chances of you reading it are pretty slim. That makes me a little sad. You don't seem to have enough focus to make it through one post, let alone 1,000. But I hope that if you do read it, you understand how much we love you. I know that it may seem like I complain about you a lot, and yes, this blog has definitely been a place to sound off about the trials of parenthood. But the other side of the coin is that your behavior has frustrated me so much because I love you so much. If I didn't care about you so deeply, your behavior wouldn't bug me as much as it does. But because I love you so much, I hate to see you put yourself in a tough spot. I hate to fight with you. We want so much to have fun with you, but right now we can't, and it breaks our hearts. This isn't the life we wanted for you. We're going to fight for you as hard as we can, but we're so tired of fighting with you. I can't say we haven't made mistakes, or that we won't make more, but this is uncharted territory for all of us and there's no manual to follow. Heck, we don't even know what's really happening here, so it's hard to know how to respond appropriately. All we do know is that we miss the old you and pray continually that we'll get that little boy back as soon as possible. I know you'll still be a challenge, but if you could get back to loving your parents and being cooperative at least some of the time, it would be much appreciated. Our hearts are breaking in the meantime, and we love you so much.
Try hard to control what you can, and know that we (and a lot of other people) are praying for you.
Love,
Mommy
Usually I only write you letters on your birthday, but perhaps I feel the need right now because I feel like you haven't listened to a word I've said in months, and I miss that connection. Even if you'll never read it, I hope this at least makes me feel a little better getting it out.
Suffice it to say that we haven't had a good few months. It's definitely been tough since Carter was born, but the last couple months have been impossible. All you want to do is hit us, kick us, and ignore every word we say. Getting you to do anything is nearly impossible, and Mommy and Daddy are both so exhausted dealing with it that sometimes we have to switch off out of necessity. To be fair, Daddy has taken the brunt of it lately, mostly because you want to be with him all of the time anyway, and partly because he can control his temper around you far more than I can. I do spend a lot of time with Carter, mostly because Daddy's usually busy with you and because keeping track of Carter's schedule and needs isn't really his strong point. In the morning and at bedtime he needs a series of medicines and once you get a system down, it's hard to break it up. Most of the rest of the time you just want to be playing with Daddy anyway. I miss having fun times together with you. And while I'd love to have more, right now every moment I spend with you is a literal battle...I'm constantly deflecting your flailing extremities.
I can't even describe to you how hard these months have been. You haven't always been the easiest kid to deal with, but right now I'd give good money to have a version of you from a couple years ago hanging around, because at least I could have a decent conversation and some fun with you without being under attack. I don't know what's going on with you, and that is killing me. I don't know if we somehow screwed up along the way with discipline, or if the gluten or something else is causing your brain to misfire so badly that you're nearly impossible to live with. I feel like we've tried so many tactics to manage it, but nothing seems to work. It's taken a lot of joy out of parenting, and I can't imagine you're really having a good time either, even though you seem to think it's pretty funny when you try to hurt us.
You call us bad parents and mean parents, mostly because we discipline you. You don't seem to understand that it's our job, no matter how many times we try to explain that. Going to bed is not just something mean parents make you do. Neither is going to school or getting dressed. That's what we're supposed to make you do...really. It's good for you. Seriously, you have no idea how good you have it. Your complete denial of reality and logic right now are what make me worry that your issues go beyond gluten. I know gluten can have a huge impact, but your entire sense of reality right now is so confounding, so bizarre, that I fear for your future if we can't get this figured out. We're at a loss right now, and when you're a parent, that is a very scary thing. All you want to do is help your child succeed, and when that is challenged, it is crippling.
A lot of people want to blame your issues on Carter's arrival. I'm sure it had a little something to do with it, but the timing doesn't really match up. You may have gotten a little worse when he was born, but the worst of it came six months later without warning or reason. I really hoped you'd like him by now, but it hasn't happened yet. You're sometimes intrigued, but that's as far as it goes. I'm sad for both of you, because you're both missing out on so much fun. And I'm sad I don't get to see you enjoying each other's company, since that was one of the things I was looking forward to most. That you were getting a brother was one of the things that eased my sadness of not having a girl. But I guess that was all for naught. We wanted to give you a sibling that could be your friend for life. We really thought we were doing something good for you. Turns out that, at least in the short term, that may not be the case. But I'm holding out hope that someday you'll understand how awesome it is to have a brother. And you may not believe it right now, but he's really been low-maintenance as far as babies go, so he's already done you a big favor. God only knows how much bigger of a mess we'd be in if he was colicky or a major crier.
I keep hoping that years from now we'll look back on this time and marvel at just how messed up things were. Hopefully by then it'll be a distant memory and we'll have moved on to greener pastures. We'll wonder how we made it through and you'll laugh at how silly it was to think hitting us would have gotten you your way. Just like all of your other health issues over the years that we worried about like crazy, hopefully this one will be just another blip in the radar. Yes, going gluten-free is going to be a big change, and we'll be so sad to not be able to go certain places or eat certain things anymore, but I'm going to do what I can to make this transition easier on you.
I can't even describe how amazing it would be to have the real you back. To have the intelligent, silly, creative you, stripped of the violence and the defiance that overshadows the rest...it just sounds so nice. The moments when we were in Florida where you were genuinely excited, like when you finally got into the waterslide, were little flickers of the you I wanted to see on that trip. Unfortunately those flickers never became anything more, and so much of the trip felt like a wasted opportunity. You're finally old enough to remember some of these experiences for a lifetime, but it's so hard to see you holding yourself back with stubbornness and anger. Other people I know have these awesome conversations, photo ops, and experiences with their kids your age, and yet we're fighting battles at every turn. There are so many things I'd like to do with you, but most of the time it's not worth the effort because all we get is resistance. You're only going to be five for a little while, and I hate that this is the version we're getting. Five should be so much better, for all of us. We miss the old you so much.
Of course, my big worry is that my dream of a happier you might never happen. I worry about what happens if going gluten-free doesn't help, if you get diagnosed with something so much bigger than we could have ever imagined. Mental illness is a scary thing, because so many people try to get help and for whatever reason, it doesn't work. Sometimes all the money and the love in the world can't fix everything, and my greatest fear is that we won't be able to help you. I look at the many pictures I have of you--perfect, sweet baby pictures, smiley toddler pictures, even pictures where I'm reminded of how stubborn you may have been in that moment--and it breaks my heart to think of where we are now. How it's hard for me to be in the same room with you, how I wonder to what lengths we'll have to go to to help you, and how what we do might not feel like help at times. I wonder if what we do could crush your spirit forever and make you feel like we've given up on you.
Part of the problem is that we're not sure what you can help and what you can't. Sometimes it seems like you can control things, and sometimes you can't. It's unpredictable, and it makes it hard to have an appropriate reaction all the time. When we feel like it's something you can't help, it's easier to be patient, but then when you do something that seems like you did it on purpose, and it's hard to keep our composure. It's awful to have your own child beating on you constantly, and if the roles were reversed, we'd be in jail. But there just isn't much we can do right now beyond what we're doing. We're in a holding pattern at the moment, and it's so incredibly hard.
When I started this blog nearly six years ago (!), I hoped that someday you might want to read it. It's gotten pretty long so it would be an awful lot of reading for anyone, but knowing how things are right now, I'd have to say that the chances of you reading it are pretty slim. That makes me a little sad. You don't seem to have enough focus to make it through one post, let alone 1,000. But I hope that if you do read it, you understand how much we love you. I know that it may seem like I complain about you a lot, and yes, this blog has definitely been a place to sound off about the trials of parenthood. But the other side of the coin is that your behavior has frustrated me so much because I love you so much. If I didn't care about you so deeply, your behavior wouldn't bug me as much as it does. But because I love you so much, I hate to see you put yourself in a tough spot. I hate to fight with you. We want so much to have fun with you, but right now we can't, and it breaks our hearts. This isn't the life we wanted for you. We're going to fight for you as hard as we can, but we're so tired of fighting with you. I can't say we haven't made mistakes, or that we won't make more, but this is uncharted territory for all of us and there's no manual to follow. Heck, we don't even know what's really happening here, so it's hard to know how to respond appropriately. All we do know is that we miss the old you and pray continually that we'll get that little boy back as soon as possible. I know you'll still be a challenge, but if you could get back to loving your parents and being cooperative at least some of the time, it would be much appreciated. Our hearts are breaking in the meantime, and we love you so much.
Try hard to control what you can, and know that we (and a lot of other people) are praying for you.
Love,
Mommy
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
News & Notes - Time is Flying Edition
How are we already more than a week into October? Time is seriously going way too fast for me. In some ways I suppose it's good, but in others I am totally freaking out. I actually got a couple emails from retailers this morning that referenced Christmas. Come on. I can't even figure out the kids' Halloween costumes right now, let alone think of Christmas. Anyway...
- One more thing I meant to mention in my Kindergarten post is that the dynamics of homework down the road will change a bit. Right now I know part of the purpose of homework is to engage the parents. We need to be involved with helping our kids do their work. But as Jacob gets older, he'll obviously (hopefully) take more ownership of his work, and he'll be able to do it when he's at the afterschool program. If nothing else I'd think peer pressure should come into play a little more. Right now I get that he needs someone sitting with him and guiding him, so I get why he's not doing it there, but later on hopefully he'll be smart enough to get it done there, let me look it over later, and hopefully be able to enjoy his evenings at home doing other things. Unlike me, of course, who had TV as a constant temptation when I got home and often made me push it off into the evening hours.
- Carter is getting to be such a big boy. Maybe not in size, but definitely in behaviors. Just in the past couple weeks I've seen a lot of changes in him. He sits up better, is doing a lot more pushing up while on his belly, and is even doing some pre-crawling rocking motions. Then, last night, I had him playing with our Incrediblock, a toy I was so desperate to get that I bought one on eBay for Jacob. I ended up getting the big activity center block and a ton of the Peek-a-Blocks (blocks with "stuff" in them to make them all unique and interesting) for as much as the block itself would have cost. And everything was in great shape! Anyway, the one side has this ridge that lends itself to grabbing on to. At first, Carter did really well standing up and playing with the top of the block. I had to balance him a bit, but he stood up pretty steady a lot of the time. And when I had him sitting on the floor in front of it, he grabbed the ridge and tried pulling himself up! And he got his butt off the ground and was probably about a third of the way up! Not bad for a kid that's not even crawling yet! It's a little sobering to think he might be mobile in the next month or two, because we have a lot of baby proofing to do. And what's worse, we're doing it in a new house with all sorts of different things we didn't have before, most notably a fireplace and hearth, stairs, and toys with tiny pieces. It's crazy to even think about!
- We've started Jacob on a mega dose of vitamin D to make up for what his body isn't absorbing. He's had one good day and one bad day, so no change yet. Still two more weeks before his testing, so we've got a long road ahead. His behavior was definitely an issue today, as he got a note sent home for not being able to focus on his work, and he got written up at the afterschool program. That was his second write-up, so if he gets one more he can get suspended from the program, which would be very inconvenient. He's definitely setting himself up for an ADHD diagnosis, I'd think. We meet with the therapist next week, so hopefully she'll have some insights.
- As a side note about the vitamin D, I'm a little annoyed with the vitamin business. I decided to try to switch Jacob off the Flintstones-style chewables he'd been taking (Wegmans brand) because I wanted to stay away from the artificial dyes, just in case those are somehow impacting things, as well. As I looked at the other options, I was so annoyed to find that pretty much everything without dyes are gummy vitamins that are twice as expensive. When I had to look for the D supplement, the kids ones either weren't the right dosage or they had artificial dyes, so I ended up getting adult gummies, which were actually the right dosage. Gummy vitamins are cool, but they worry me because he likes them a little too much. We've given him the lecture on how they're not candy, but it's a little scary. I get that people want their kids to take their vitamins, but this just doesn't seem safe. And it's ridiculous that those are the only options for dye-free vitamins. Brutal.
- Carter has successfully eaten a good number of foods now. He's had squash, sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, chicken, turkey, apples, and pears. None of them have caused a reaction, though he's only eaten one container each of the last four, so I suppose that he could still react since it took a week for the cereal to bug him. But so far so good. He gets some constipation from the solids, I think, but it hasn't appeared that gas is much of an issue. I'm hoping that he'll continue to handle new foods well, and hopefully we can get through the next month before his allergist appointment and get some insights on what else to try then. On the bright side, he's eaten entire containers of food the last couple nights, so I think his appetite for food is improving. He seems to get cranky if we eat in front of him now! I feel bad, though, that he can't share any of our stuff.
- Sleep has been tough to come by around here lately between both kids. Jacob's been waking up a lot and wanting to either sleep in our bed or have Craig sleep with him. I keep cautioning Craig about doing that because Jacob's making it quite a habit, but I know most of it is done out of desperation for sleep. Carter has been waking up a bit here and there, too, and while sometimes he'll go back down with some rocking, I'll admit to bringing him into bed with me a lot because he seems to sleep better there. I'm very careful about how I place him, and I try to put him back in his bed as soon as I can, once whatever was bothering him has passed. It's challenging to get up in the morning right now, but we don't really know what's causing the wakeups for either kid so there's not much we can do.
- We have a lot going on this month. Besides Jacob's testing in two weeks, we have his open house on Thursday and Halloween to prepare for. We have our family Oktoberfest in a couple weeks, and I'm trying to figure out what kind of gluten free treats I can bring with us. We need to find time for a pumpkin patch, and yet Craig has work stuff the next two weekends. Jacob has a four-day weekend coming up, but we'll be sending him to his old daycare for those two days. He's been asking to go there, so I figured he might enjoy it. Or, at worst, he'd go and see that his friends aren't there anymore and there's no reason to go back there. I wish we could be off with him, but it's just not happening right now with me being out of vacation time.
Ok, I'm exhausted, so it's time to wrap this up. I know there was more I wanted to write about, but my bed is calling....loudly.
- One more thing I meant to mention in my Kindergarten post is that the dynamics of homework down the road will change a bit. Right now I know part of the purpose of homework is to engage the parents. We need to be involved with helping our kids do their work. But as Jacob gets older, he'll obviously (hopefully) take more ownership of his work, and he'll be able to do it when he's at the afterschool program. If nothing else I'd think peer pressure should come into play a little more. Right now I get that he needs someone sitting with him and guiding him, so I get why he's not doing it there, but later on hopefully he'll be smart enough to get it done there, let me look it over later, and hopefully be able to enjoy his evenings at home doing other things. Unlike me, of course, who had TV as a constant temptation when I got home and often made me push it off into the evening hours.
- Carter is getting to be such a big boy. Maybe not in size, but definitely in behaviors. Just in the past couple weeks I've seen a lot of changes in him. He sits up better, is doing a lot more pushing up while on his belly, and is even doing some pre-crawling rocking motions. Then, last night, I had him playing with our Incrediblock, a toy I was so desperate to get that I bought one on eBay for Jacob. I ended up getting the big activity center block and a ton of the Peek-a-Blocks (blocks with "stuff" in them to make them all unique and interesting) for as much as the block itself would have cost. And everything was in great shape! Anyway, the one side has this ridge that lends itself to grabbing on to. At first, Carter did really well standing up and playing with the top of the block. I had to balance him a bit, but he stood up pretty steady a lot of the time. And when I had him sitting on the floor in front of it, he grabbed the ridge and tried pulling himself up! And he got his butt off the ground and was probably about a third of the way up! Not bad for a kid that's not even crawling yet! It's a little sobering to think he might be mobile in the next month or two, because we have a lot of baby proofing to do. And what's worse, we're doing it in a new house with all sorts of different things we didn't have before, most notably a fireplace and hearth, stairs, and toys with tiny pieces. It's crazy to even think about!
- We've started Jacob on a mega dose of vitamin D to make up for what his body isn't absorbing. He's had one good day and one bad day, so no change yet. Still two more weeks before his testing, so we've got a long road ahead. His behavior was definitely an issue today, as he got a note sent home for not being able to focus on his work, and he got written up at the afterschool program. That was his second write-up, so if he gets one more he can get suspended from the program, which would be very inconvenient. He's definitely setting himself up for an ADHD diagnosis, I'd think. We meet with the therapist next week, so hopefully she'll have some insights.
- As a side note about the vitamin D, I'm a little annoyed with the vitamin business. I decided to try to switch Jacob off the Flintstones-style chewables he'd been taking (Wegmans brand) because I wanted to stay away from the artificial dyes, just in case those are somehow impacting things, as well. As I looked at the other options, I was so annoyed to find that pretty much everything without dyes are gummy vitamins that are twice as expensive. When I had to look for the D supplement, the kids ones either weren't the right dosage or they had artificial dyes, so I ended up getting adult gummies, which were actually the right dosage. Gummy vitamins are cool, but they worry me because he likes them a little too much. We've given him the lecture on how they're not candy, but it's a little scary. I get that people want their kids to take their vitamins, but this just doesn't seem safe. And it's ridiculous that those are the only options for dye-free vitamins. Brutal.
- Carter has successfully eaten a good number of foods now. He's had squash, sweet potatoes, green beans, peas, chicken, turkey, apples, and pears. None of them have caused a reaction, though he's only eaten one container each of the last four, so I suppose that he could still react since it took a week for the cereal to bug him. But so far so good. He gets some constipation from the solids, I think, but it hasn't appeared that gas is much of an issue. I'm hoping that he'll continue to handle new foods well, and hopefully we can get through the next month before his allergist appointment and get some insights on what else to try then. On the bright side, he's eaten entire containers of food the last couple nights, so I think his appetite for food is improving. He seems to get cranky if we eat in front of him now! I feel bad, though, that he can't share any of our stuff.
- Sleep has been tough to come by around here lately between both kids. Jacob's been waking up a lot and wanting to either sleep in our bed or have Craig sleep with him. I keep cautioning Craig about doing that because Jacob's making it quite a habit, but I know most of it is done out of desperation for sleep. Carter has been waking up a bit here and there, too, and while sometimes he'll go back down with some rocking, I'll admit to bringing him into bed with me a lot because he seems to sleep better there. I'm very careful about how I place him, and I try to put him back in his bed as soon as I can, once whatever was bothering him has passed. It's challenging to get up in the morning right now, but we don't really know what's causing the wakeups for either kid so there's not much we can do.
- We have a lot going on this month. Besides Jacob's testing in two weeks, we have his open house on Thursday and Halloween to prepare for. We have our family Oktoberfest in a couple weeks, and I'm trying to figure out what kind of gluten free treats I can bring with us. We need to find time for a pumpkin patch, and yet Craig has work stuff the next two weekends. Jacob has a four-day weekend coming up, but we'll be sending him to his old daycare for those two days. He's been asking to go there, so I figured he might enjoy it. Or, at worst, he'd go and see that his friends aren't there anymore and there's no reason to go back there. I wish we could be off with him, but it's just not happening right now with me being out of vacation time.
Ok, I'm exhausted, so it's time to wrap this up. I know there was more I wanted to write about, but my bed is calling....loudly.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Why I Hate Kindergarten
When I went to Kindergarten, it was a half day. I loved it. I made some good friends (including one that is still among my closest friends), played kitchen, enjoyed some educational toys, and did lots of art projects. We had a snack and a short naptime. I learned how to tie my shoes, what my address and phone number were, and did some basic math and reading. I don't think I was reading books or anything, but I'm sure we practiced a lot of words and things like that. We made a city out of junk (it was awesome!), we performed a real play for graduation, and fought over favorite storytime books on library day. I loved everything about Kindergarten, except maybe that it was only half a day. That said, I loved my bus ride home with a handful of kids from my class, loved lunch at home with my mom, and loved having the rest of the day to spend with her.
I don't remember having much homework, aside from maybe bringing in some project supplies, or maybe a worksheet or something once in a while. It certainly wasn't a regular thing. Jacob, on the other hand...there's quite a bit. Now, our situation wasn't helped by our trip to Florida. We had a boatload of work to do while we were gone to keep him up on the things he was missing. We had to do something every single day while we were gone in order to have a chance at keeping up, and we still didn't get it all done. The work we had to finish up set us back for the entire time we've been back. We've been in constant catch-up mode, because every day we have another worksheet or another project to do.
Additionally, Jacob isn't helping matters. We had a big project sent home last week because Jacob had two days to do it and hardly got anything done. We've been struggling to get him to sit down and do it. Today I managed to use a kitchen timer to get him to sit down for five or ten minutes at a time and crank through some coloring, but we have a bunch of cutting and pasting to do as soon as possible. He hates every minute of it, though sometimes he'll get caught up in it until something throws him off. The other day he was working on one worksheet and I stepped away for a couple minutes. When I came back, he'd started on another one and had done it amazingly well. He's so smart, but the concentration isn't there. He'd rather be off playing than doing work, and it's like pulling teeth to get him to do it.
There hasn't been a lot of information coming home specifically relating to the homework, so we don't really know due dates, or in some cases full instructions. We're doing what we can, but it still may not be enough. It's clear that Jacob is not your average student--he's smart, but his focus is debatable. Hopefully his teacher knows that we're trying. But we only have so many hours with him in any given day, and spending a third of that trying to get him to sit down and then to actually do it, really stinks. We don't want to spend that time arguing, for sure. I know we have to invest in his education, but with a kid like this, it's hard. I'd love to do educational stuff with a kid who's really into it, but he sees through everything and knows when we're trying to sneak in some learning.
When you're used to daycare where you get a sheet home each day reporting on his day, the lack of behavioral information coming home from Kindergarten is a tough switch. The good news is that his teacher's behavioral system is color-coded, so we can get a general idea of his day based on his color for the day. But beyond that, we've had a couple phone conversations about his quirks and the rest is pretty much a mystery. In addition, we've got the afterschool element, as well, and there's very little information coming from there. We know he really doesn't like it there, which is hard because we don't have a lot of options. Long story short...even though he he's been used to a long day away from home, the additional structure, reduced play, and lack of friends have made Kindergarten a tough transition.
I loved school for a long time and even when I hated homework I still appreciated the opportunity to learn new things. One of my biggest fears as a parent was having a kid that didn't like to learn or to whom learning did not come easy. I don't really know how to relate to that or to motivate him to like it, so it's a challenge. Add in that he's not really a fan of spending time with me, and we've got a boatload of things against us as we're trying to get this work done. And no matter how many times we explain that the sooner he does it the sooner he can play, or by putting it off he's wasting valuable play time before bed, nothing seems to get through to him. So we sit there and struggle. I'm pretty sure I hate homework more now than I did when it was my own.
Oh, and between the projects that we as parents have to do (collecting garbage for a project, working on a special shoebox for little books they're doing) and the crazy amount of notes about goings-on at the school, it's all pretty overwhelming. I don't know how cut out I am for this school mom thing, but we're working on it. It's new for both of us, so hopefully as the year goes on, things will get easier. I hope. But for now, I'm not really a fan...
I don't remember having much homework, aside from maybe bringing in some project supplies, or maybe a worksheet or something once in a while. It certainly wasn't a regular thing. Jacob, on the other hand...there's quite a bit. Now, our situation wasn't helped by our trip to Florida. We had a boatload of work to do while we were gone to keep him up on the things he was missing. We had to do something every single day while we were gone in order to have a chance at keeping up, and we still didn't get it all done. The work we had to finish up set us back for the entire time we've been back. We've been in constant catch-up mode, because every day we have another worksheet or another project to do.
Additionally, Jacob isn't helping matters. We had a big project sent home last week because Jacob had two days to do it and hardly got anything done. We've been struggling to get him to sit down and do it. Today I managed to use a kitchen timer to get him to sit down for five or ten minutes at a time and crank through some coloring, but we have a bunch of cutting and pasting to do as soon as possible. He hates every minute of it, though sometimes he'll get caught up in it until something throws him off. The other day he was working on one worksheet and I stepped away for a couple minutes. When I came back, he'd started on another one and had done it amazingly well. He's so smart, but the concentration isn't there. He'd rather be off playing than doing work, and it's like pulling teeth to get him to do it.
There hasn't been a lot of information coming home specifically relating to the homework, so we don't really know due dates, or in some cases full instructions. We're doing what we can, but it still may not be enough. It's clear that Jacob is not your average student--he's smart, but his focus is debatable. Hopefully his teacher knows that we're trying. But we only have so many hours with him in any given day, and spending a third of that trying to get him to sit down and then to actually do it, really stinks. We don't want to spend that time arguing, for sure. I know we have to invest in his education, but with a kid like this, it's hard. I'd love to do educational stuff with a kid who's really into it, but he sees through everything and knows when we're trying to sneak in some learning.
When you're used to daycare where you get a sheet home each day reporting on his day, the lack of behavioral information coming home from Kindergarten is a tough switch. The good news is that his teacher's behavioral system is color-coded, so we can get a general idea of his day based on his color for the day. But beyond that, we've had a couple phone conversations about his quirks and the rest is pretty much a mystery. In addition, we've got the afterschool element, as well, and there's very little information coming from there. We know he really doesn't like it there, which is hard because we don't have a lot of options. Long story short...even though he he's been used to a long day away from home, the additional structure, reduced play, and lack of friends have made Kindergarten a tough transition.
I loved school for a long time and even when I hated homework I still appreciated the opportunity to learn new things. One of my biggest fears as a parent was having a kid that didn't like to learn or to whom learning did not come easy. I don't really know how to relate to that or to motivate him to like it, so it's a challenge. Add in that he's not really a fan of spending time with me, and we've got a boatload of things against us as we're trying to get this work done. And no matter how many times we explain that the sooner he does it the sooner he can play, or by putting it off he's wasting valuable play time before bed, nothing seems to get through to him. So we sit there and struggle. I'm pretty sure I hate homework more now than I did when it was my own.
Oh, and between the projects that we as parents have to do (collecting garbage for a project, working on a special shoebox for little books they're doing) and the crazy amount of notes about goings-on at the school, it's all pretty overwhelming. I don't know how cut out I am for this school mom thing, but we're working on it. It's new for both of us, so hopefully as the year goes on, things will get easier. I hope. But for now, I'm not really a fan...
Friday, October 4, 2013
Ok, I need to vent...
I wanted to post this yesterday, but we had a random power outage that lasted from 8:30pm-4:45am, so without a working modem I was out of luck. Regardless...
So...they didn't do the procedure yesterday as we'd thought they were going to. I guess it was just a miscommunication which occurred to me this morning when I woke up and I realized they never gave us any instructions about not eating or drinking anything beforehand. That's when I realized this might just be a normal introductory appointment...which it was. I guess the miscommunication stemmed from the fact that they wanted us to get back on the gluten-filled diet ASAP so his test results were OK, and at the same time were telling us the GI doctor would be calling us to schedule an appointment. I guess we just assumed that since they were telling us that the next step was the small intestine biopsy, that that's what we were heading for. But, no. Our bad, I guess, but man, this is really starting to get frustrating.
The frustration originally started when we found out that the therapist that Jacob is seeing would need weeks to gather information and come to any sort of conclusion. In the meantime, we've had very little guidance on how to manage a nearly impossible living situation with him. Sure, she's given us super obvious suggestions (spend one-on-one time with him, be consistent), but none of that helps when he's flat-out refusing to do something and we have no recourse because we've already taken away everything and he doesn't care. The hitting and kicking have gotten ridiculous (you don't even want to know how many shots Craig has taken to a very sensitive area--mostly because Jacob knows it hurts and he thinks it's funny), and getting him to sit down and work on homework is absolute torture. If he doesn't want to be doing it, it is a gargantuan task to make it happen. Neither of us can deal with him for any extended period of time, and it's just getting to be too much. But we're at the mercy of waiting for a diagnosis so we can move forward with some sort of treatment on the behavior front.
In the meantime, we had the Celiac suspicions come up over two weeks ago now. Yes, we were in Florida for most of that first week, but it took over a week to get into the GI doctor, and now it's going to be three more weeks before we can get an initial diagnosis, and at least a week beyond that for the pathology to come back. Our follow-up appointment isn't until the first full week of November. All of that to say that we may be stuck on the same gluten-filled diet for another month before we can start making changes and hope that it impacts his behavior positively--which we already know is going to take some time in and of itself once the change is made. Sometimes I don't know how we can make it through another day like this, let alone another month.
And, of course, that's not even getting to the fact that Jacob has stomach aches and is dealing with questionable nutrition now that we know he's not absorbing vitamins properly. It was one thing when we didn't know it was happening--it's another now that we do. It seems really cruel to subject him to another month of this, not to mention us. It's another month of school that he'll have trouble focusing on, another month of homework he won't want to do, another month of meals that will make him uncomfortable. Why does all of this have to take so darn long?
I know that what we're going through is nothing like cancer--and thank goodness for that--but when my friend's son was diagnosed with leukemia, he was getting chemo nearly immediately (and he's doing awesome, by the way!). But because all of this doesn't seem life-threatening, it's just one wait after another. What we're going through doesn't seem like an emergency to everyone else, but every day that goes by just gets harder and it seems like we don't have any recourse. I'm concerned that something is going to go horribly wrong as a result of all of this--that Jacob's going to put himself in harm's way; or that his health is going to take a further beating; or that his constant beating on us is going to have repercussions; or that prolonging this behavior is going to make it harder for him to stop; or that this behavior is going to start popping up more at school and will start impacting his classmates; or, God forbid, that he'll actually listen to the voices in his head that he says are telling him to hurt Carter.
No matter how many people we tell that we can't take much more of this, it doesn't seem to make a difference. Most people chalk it up to bad disciplining on our part, and while I'm sure we've made our share of mistakes, I don't think any of them could have been bad enough to get us to where we are now, at least not without some underlying biologic driver. Despite all of my complaints about his behavior over the years, this just isn't the kid we spent 4-1/2 years with. This is so far beyond that right now that we're completely at a loss. And no one seems to be in any rush to help us. Instead we're stuck in a holding pattern for another month. It just doesn't seem fair to anyone--not him, not us, not anyone that has to deal with him.
I'm sure that everyone could make their case for why their situation is urgent, and you know, I'd probably agree with a lot of them. I know things can't always happen immediately, but it seems cruel and excessive to make a five-year-old wait three weeks to feel relief. I don't know what the solution is, since I know the health care system is generally maxed out. I don't want to keep bugging people, but for years I've read on parenting blogs how you have to be an advocate for your kid. I guess I just don't know where the line is between genuine need and overprotective parent. Still, I am very frustrated that we have to do so much waiting because it doesn't seem fair to anyone right now.
In the meantime, we'll be starting some vitamin D supplements and using up all of the gluten-filled items in our pantry. We have lots of restaurants to say goodbye to, and I need to do a lot of Googling to find the best gluten-free recipes out there. We'll make the best of these three weeks, but limbo has never been my strong suit...
So...they didn't do the procedure yesterday as we'd thought they were going to. I guess it was just a miscommunication which occurred to me this morning when I woke up and I realized they never gave us any instructions about not eating or drinking anything beforehand. That's when I realized this might just be a normal introductory appointment...which it was. I guess the miscommunication stemmed from the fact that they wanted us to get back on the gluten-filled diet ASAP so his test results were OK, and at the same time were telling us the GI doctor would be calling us to schedule an appointment. I guess we just assumed that since they were telling us that the next step was the small intestine biopsy, that that's what we were heading for. But, no. Our bad, I guess, but man, this is really starting to get frustrating.
The frustration originally started when we found out that the therapist that Jacob is seeing would need weeks to gather information and come to any sort of conclusion. In the meantime, we've had very little guidance on how to manage a nearly impossible living situation with him. Sure, she's given us super obvious suggestions (spend one-on-one time with him, be consistent), but none of that helps when he's flat-out refusing to do something and we have no recourse because we've already taken away everything and he doesn't care. The hitting and kicking have gotten ridiculous (you don't even want to know how many shots Craig has taken to a very sensitive area--mostly because Jacob knows it hurts and he thinks it's funny), and getting him to sit down and work on homework is absolute torture. If he doesn't want to be doing it, it is a gargantuan task to make it happen. Neither of us can deal with him for any extended period of time, and it's just getting to be too much. But we're at the mercy of waiting for a diagnosis so we can move forward with some sort of treatment on the behavior front.
In the meantime, we had the Celiac suspicions come up over two weeks ago now. Yes, we were in Florida for most of that first week, but it took over a week to get into the GI doctor, and now it's going to be three more weeks before we can get an initial diagnosis, and at least a week beyond that for the pathology to come back. Our follow-up appointment isn't until the first full week of November. All of that to say that we may be stuck on the same gluten-filled diet for another month before we can start making changes and hope that it impacts his behavior positively--which we already know is going to take some time in and of itself once the change is made. Sometimes I don't know how we can make it through another day like this, let alone another month.
And, of course, that's not even getting to the fact that Jacob has stomach aches and is dealing with questionable nutrition now that we know he's not absorbing vitamins properly. It was one thing when we didn't know it was happening--it's another now that we do. It seems really cruel to subject him to another month of this, not to mention us. It's another month of school that he'll have trouble focusing on, another month of homework he won't want to do, another month of meals that will make him uncomfortable. Why does all of this have to take so darn long?
I know that what we're going through is nothing like cancer--and thank goodness for that--but when my friend's son was diagnosed with leukemia, he was getting chemo nearly immediately (and he's doing awesome, by the way!). But because all of this doesn't seem life-threatening, it's just one wait after another. What we're going through doesn't seem like an emergency to everyone else, but every day that goes by just gets harder and it seems like we don't have any recourse. I'm concerned that something is going to go horribly wrong as a result of all of this--that Jacob's going to put himself in harm's way; or that his health is going to take a further beating; or that his constant beating on us is going to have repercussions; or that prolonging this behavior is going to make it harder for him to stop; or that this behavior is going to start popping up more at school and will start impacting his classmates; or, God forbid, that he'll actually listen to the voices in his head that he says are telling him to hurt Carter.
No matter how many people we tell that we can't take much more of this, it doesn't seem to make a difference. Most people chalk it up to bad disciplining on our part, and while I'm sure we've made our share of mistakes, I don't think any of them could have been bad enough to get us to where we are now, at least not without some underlying biologic driver. Despite all of my complaints about his behavior over the years, this just isn't the kid we spent 4-1/2 years with. This is so far beyond that right now that we're completely at a loss. And no one seems to be in any rush to help us. Instead we're stuck in a holding pattern for another month. It just doesn't seem fair to anyone--not him, not us, not anyone that has to deal with him.
I'm sure that everyone could make their case for why their situation is urgent, and you know, I'd probably agree with a lot of them. I know things can't always happen immediately, but it seems cruel and excessive to make a five-year-old wait three weeks to feel relief. I don't know what the solution is, since I know the health care system is generally maxed out. I don't want to keep bugging people, but for years I've read on parenting blogs how you have to be an advocate for your kid. I guess I just don't know where the line is between genuine need and overprotective parent. Still, I am very frustrated that we have to do so much waiting because it doesn't seem fair to anyone right now.
In the meantime, we'll be starting some vitamin D supplements and using up all of the gluten-filled items in our pantry. We have lots of restaurants to say goodbye to, and I need to do a lot of Googling to find the best gluten-free recipes out there. We'll make the best of these three weeks, but limbo has never been my strong suit...
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The Rise and Fall of Taco Bell
When I was little, I loved Taco Bell. It was one of my favorite places to eat. And then they left our area for a few years. I was bummed. When I was about 10 or so, they came back, and I was overjoyed. I loved it as much as I did as a little girl, and it's been a mainstay in my life ever since. In fact, when I was 17, I worked there. It just happened to be the one place that wanted to hire me, and I think they figured I was presentable enough to work the front register. I hated the job for the most part, and took a break from the food during the first few months after I stopped working there to go to college. However, there was a Taco Bell on campus so I couldn't stay away long!
It's always been one of my favorite guilty pleasures, and I was pleased when I took Jacob there and he liked it! It became our special place to go for just the two of us, and often if we were out running errands or heading to a sporting event, that was our go-to dinner. I could rely on him eating relatively well (albeit a bit messy), and we'd even share a caramel apple empanada as a treat. More recently he's fallen in love with the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos tacos.
Unfortunately, Taco Bell's beef is not 100% beef (as made the news a while back) and it includes wheat as a filler. Which means that, even with corn taco shells, he can't eat there. While I know eating at home and at parties is going to be an issue, what breaks my heart the most is that eating out is going to be a challenge. It's a nice break for me and we have a lot of fun and good memories from going to certain places. In fact, it kills me even more that we'll soon be going gluten-free because so many of our favorite places are coming to our immediate area. For example, a Dairy Queen just opened nearby, and Moe's, Red Robin, and a local bake shop are all in the new wing at our mall. We finally got Cici's in our area last spring, too. And while we may be able to eek out a meal at some of those places, cross-contamination is always a risk anywhere we go. And how awful is it to tell a five-year-old that they can't have some of their favorite foods anymore?
As much as it breaks my heart that he can't eat there anymore, it makes me even sadder that he and I can't share that like we used to. Obviously right now we can't share much of anything without major issues, but assuming that he returns to his normal self once we get his problems sorted out (either through going gluten-free, behavioral therapy, or, God forbid, medicine), I assume he and I will once again be able to be in close proximity without constant battles and will need something to bond over. I know we can bond over something besides food, but that was an easy one. I just loved having something that was "ours".
Tonight we went to eat at Taco Bell, since there's a chance tonight might be the last chance he has to eat gluten. Tomorrow morning we'll head off to the hospital to get a small intestine biopsy that will confirm the suspected Celiac diagnosis. He'll have to be put under, and they'll check to see if the villi in his intestine are inflamed, which is the tell-tale sign of Celiac disease. We don't know how soon they'll know, or whether or not anymore tests will be needed, so there's a chance we'd be going gluten-free tomorrow. Part of me is hoping they won't know yet so we can sneak in a few more favorites (and use up more of what's in our pantry and freezer), but part of me just wants to get this show on the road and get ever closer to a possibly more tolerable child. As we sat there tonight and Jacob wolfed down two tacos without complaint, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. This silly fast food restaurant, one that many people refuse to go to because of what it does to their (generally healthy) bodies, has been a fun boding thing for us. He won't ever be able to eat there again (unless he learns to eat other things, and even that's a stretch with cross-contamination) and he probably won't remember years from now how much we loved going there together. It's just a bummer, especially when our ability to bond over anything has been reduced so greatly by his issues.
I'll certainly sneak there once in a while on my own, but it'll never be the same without Jacob. Who knew that Taco Bell had the potential to make me so sad?
It's always been one of my favorite guilty pleasures, and I was pleased when I took Jacob there and he liked it! It became our special place to go for just the two of us, and often if we were out running errands or heading to a sporting event, that was our go-to dinner. I could rely on him eating relatively well (albeit a bit messy), and we'd even share a caramel apple empanada as a treat. More recently he's fallen in love with the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos tacos.
Unfortunately, Taco Bell's beef is not 100% beef (as made the news a while back) and it includes wheat as a filler. Which means that, even with corn taco shells, he can't eat there. While I know eating at home and at parties is going to be an issue, what breaks my heart the most is that eating out is going to be a challenge. It's a nice break for me and we have a lot of fun and good memories from going to certain places. In fact, it kills me even more that we'll soon be going gluten-free because so many of our favorite places are coming to our immediate area. For example, a Dairy Queen just opened nearby, and Moe's, Red Robin, and a local bake shop are all in the new wing at our mall. We finally got Cici's in our area last spring, too. And while we may be able to eek out a meal at some of those places, cross-contamination is always a risk anywhere we go. And how awful is it to tell a five-year-old that they can't have some of their favorite foods anymore?
As much as it breaks my heart that he can't eat there anymore, it makes me even sadder that he and I can't share that like we used to. Obviously right now we can't share much of anything without major issues, but assuming that he returns to his normal self once we get his problems sorted out (either through going gluten-free, behavioral therapy, or, God forbid, medicine), I assume he and I will once again be able to be in close proximity without constant battles and will need something to bond over. I know we can bond over something besides food, but that was an easy one. I just loved having something that was "ours".
Tonight we went to eat at Taco Bell, since there's a chance tonight might be the last chance he has to eat gluten. Tomorrow morning we'll head off to the hospital to get a small intestine biopsy that will confirm the suspected Celiac diagnosis. He'll have to be put under, and they'll check to see if the villi in his intestine are inflamed, which is the tell-tale sign of Celiac disease. We don't know how soon they'll know, or whether or not anymore tests will be needed, so there's a chance we'd be going gluten-free tomorrow. Part of me is hoping they won't know yet so we can sneak in a few more favorites (and use up more of what's in our pantry and freezer), but part of me just wants to get this show on the road and get ever closer to a possibly more tolerable child. As we sat there tonight and Jacob wolfed down two tacos without complaint, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. This silly fast food restaurant, one that many people refuse to go to because of what it does to their (generally healthy) bodies, has been a fun boding thing for us. He won't ever be able to eat there again (unless he learns to eat other things, and even that's a stretch with cross-contamination) and he probably won't remember years from now how much we loved going there together. It's just a bummer, especially when our ability to bond over anything has been reduced so greatly by his issues.
I'll certainly sneak there once in a while on my own, but it'll never be the same without Jacob. Who knew that Taco Bell had the potential to make me so sad?
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
The Hardest Part
While I was waiting in line for Space Mountain last week, I had this weird, random revelation. Strangely, it happened while I was watching a father and daughter interact while in line, but the revelation had to do with Craig and me. For whatever reason, watching that father and daughter reminded me of how it felt to wait in line with Craig on our last trip to Disney back in December 2007, before Jacob was born. They were having fun little conversations and making the best of the wait (which actually wasn't that bad), and it seemed like such a far cry from the waiting we'd done so far on our trip. Wrangling two kids and trying to avoid meltdowns is a bit nervewracking, and while I'm sure we still didn't particularly enjoy waiting on our last trip, I feel like that was just bonus time to focus on each other. We weren't doing anything crazy as far as PDA or anything, but I'm sure we shared a few hugs and had some decent conversations. We "enjoyed the ride", so to speak. But this time we were just a bundle of nerves, full of frustration, and praying for the best. Long waits were out of the question (aside from Toy Story Mania, which we felt was a priority, so we suffered through an hour in line), as it was just too big a risk. Call me crazy, but that's probably not how we should have felt on our "vacation".
One of the hardest things I've found about being a parent is paying proper attention to our marriage. Before we had kids, we had to battle through crazy work schedules. For a good portion of that time we were in it together since we both worked in the same place. While we didn't let our marriage interfere with work, at least we were physically in the same place, and there was always the postgame festivities to let us enjoy ourselves together. Once I stopped working in sports, I know it was hard to have Craig gone all the time, but I didn't mind the time alone, either. I had time to do things around the house, go shopping, and watch my TV shows without infringing on our time together. I could get all of my stuff out of the way so once Craig was free we had time together. But kids...well, they added in a whole different dimension.
I hear people say all the time how having kids brought them closer together. I know this probably makes me sound like a massive cynic, but seriously...to me that sounds like a load of crap. I mean, I get how working through new things can make you into a dynamic duo. Surviving childbirth class was an entertaining adventure for us, for example, and we had to support each other through Jacob's early days in the hospital. And sure, I think on a larger scale, the more you go through, the more history you create, and the deeper your bond becomes. But on a day-to-day basis, having kids makes marriage hard. Or at least, it makes it harder to put in the time and energy to keep the marriage as fun and exciting as it once was.
Whereas our mornings were once full of cuddling and chit-chat, now we try to maximize our sleep before dividing and conquering getting the kids ready. Getting Jacob ready is a major challenge in itself (I should know, I did it for 4-1/2 years--but now it's even harder), and we're pretty much just sprinting by each other in order to get everyone ready and out the door on time. We spend all day at our separate jobs, then depending on the day, our pickup situation changes. Some days I get both kids. Some days Craig gets both kids. Other days, he'll go pick up Jacob and take him to the baseball diamond while I get Carter and head home to start dinner. Add in any errands that need running on the way home, and we're rushing in later than we'd like. I try to get dinner on the table as soon as possible, and the dinnertime conversation is usually a combination of Jacob's random chatter and us telling him to eat. By the time we're done, it's practically bedtime. And if it's not, usually Jacob is dragging Craig off to play for a bit while I finish cleaning up the kitchen and entertaining Carter. By the time both kids are in bed, we're both exhausted. Mostly we just sit in front of the TV with our respective computers, do a little surfing/blogging/work, and then we drag ourselves to bed. Usually our talking is minimal because we're both ready to veg out after a long day. And yes, afterhours "fun" probably happens far less than it should, particularly lately with all the stress we've been dealing with.
Sad, isn't it? Rest assured, when we get time together, apart from the kids, we still manage to have fun. We very much enjoyed our time out west when I went to the Knighthawks championship game, and even going out to dinner by ourselves has been a nice throwback to the old days. We still love each other very much--there is no doubt about that. But it's hard to continue to build a relationship when you can barely get a word in edgewise or when you're constantly trying to fend off your child who's trying to kick you in sensitive areas. It's hard to form complete thoughts, let alone have deep, meaningful conversations. And when we do talk, often it's about the kids or Craig's work frustrations (or to a lesser extent, mine), because that's pretty much what dominates most of our time. While I'd love to turn off the TV and make the most of the hour or two before bedtime, most days it just seems like we're both so exhausted that good conversation would be hard to come by. I have a feeling we'd be more likely to fall asleep than anything. And while we could certainly use the extra sleep, that still wouldn't enhance our marriage much or make us very productive with anything else. For example, this blog would certainly take a hit, though I'm not sure the cleanliness of my house can get much worse. It's amazing how that hour or two in front of the TV is considered necessary downtime.
We're constantly trying to keep things as equal as we can as far as taking care of the kids, doing things around the house, and finding alone time for things like the gym, probably to a fault. But there's not a lot of "me" time to be had on either side. There's just always something getting in the way. Just this weekend, Craig took Jacob to Buffalo to see his dad, who's still recovering from open heart surgery. That was a huge sacrifice on his part, because God knows Jacob is not easy to manage right now, let alone solo. I obviously appreciated it, but there wasn't much rest for the weary because I still had a sweet but demanding baby to deal with, along with the added pressure of getting things organized after a week away. Plenty of laundry awaited, along with tons of Jacob's school paperwork. My post-bedtime "fun" on Saturday was spending two hours getting my filing system organized. We did sneak in some fun at the zoo and I did snuggle him during a couple naps, which was nice. But I felt guilty knowing what Craig was dealing with, and he's got plenty of stuff (including our pool closing) that he's having a hard time getting to now that it's almost impossible for me to spend any time alone with Jacob.
Probably one of my biggest fears in all of this is that we'll be one of those couples who, once the kids are out of the house, will look at each other and go, "Who are you and why am I married to you?" God forbid that's ever the case, but we're both so task-oriented right now and everything just seems so hard that it's difficult to stop and smell the roses. It's hard to take those little moments, like waiting in line at Disney, and turn them into fun moments. One of the suggestions from Jacob's therapist is that we try to integrate humor into our interactions with him in hopes that it will throw him off of his cranky path--for example, a tickle fight when we're trying to get him dressed. I appreciate the suggestion, but do you know how hard it is to find humor in a situation when you've just told your kid for the 20th time that he needs to put on his pajamas and he responds by trying to punch you? I'd assert that any moments alone with Craig sort of parallel that, minus the punching. It's hard to inject humor and fun into a situation when you're just so exhausted from the rest of your day that you can barely string a coherent sentence together, let alone think of how to make it fun. We can't even agree on how to handle him some days.
While it's far from dire, it is a bit depressing. It sort of gets back to what I was talking about a couple weeks back in regards to my cousin's wedding...that there's a certain naïve simplicity when you get married, and you have no idea what craziness awaits you in your life together. Our reality right now is a far cry from the joy of our wedding day. The longer you're together, the more you share...but all that history can mean some heavy baggage, too. The newness wears off and the wear and tear of daily life can drag you down. And when you have kids, it's extra easy to turn into teammates or business partners as you divvy up responsibilities and carve out a little time to remember who you are, let alone who you are as part of a couple. As for us, we're mostly just...tired. We're fine, but fine shouldn't be enough. But lately, it almost has to be. We're in survival mode...perhaps not our marriage, but our sanity.
Amazing that one little random moment in line at Disney could have spawned a post like this, but I guess it just illustrated to me how much kids have changed things. And while I wouldn't change most of it (let's face it, I'd change Jacob's current situation in a heartbeat), I guess it's just an occupational hazard of long-term marriage and parenthood. I just hope it gets easier...soon.
One of the hardest things I've found about being a parent is paying proper attention to our marriage. Before we had kids, we had to battle through crazy work schedules. For a good portion of that time we were in it together since we both worked in the same place. While we didn't let our marriage interfere with work, at least we were physically in the same place, and there was always the postgame festivities to let us enjoy ourselves together. Once I stopped working in sports, I know it was hard to have Craig gone all the time, but I didn't mind the time alone, either. I had time to do things around the house, go shopping, and watch my TV shows without infringing on our time together. I could get all of my stuff out of the way so once Craig was free we had time together. But kids...well, they added in a whole different dimension.
I hear people say all the time how having kids brought them closer together. I know this probably makes me sound like a massive cynic, but seriously...to me that sounds like a load of crap. I mean, I get how working through new things can make you into a dynamic duo. Surviving childbirth class was an entertaining adventure for us, for example, and we had to support each other through Jacob's early days in the hospital. And sure, I think on a larger scale, the more you go through, the more history you create, and the deeper your bond becomes. But on a day-to-day basis, having kids makes marriage hard. Or at least, it makes it harder to put in the time and energy to keep the marriage as fun and exciting as it once was.
Whereas our mornings were once full of cuddling and chit-chat, now we try to maximize our sleep before dividing and conquering getting the kids ready. Getting Jacob ready is a major challenge in itself (I should know, I did it for 4-1/2 years--but now it's even harder), and we're pretty much just sprinting by each other in order to get everyone ready and out the door on time. We spend all day at our separate jobs, then depending on the day, our pickup situation changes. Some days I get both kids. Some days Craig gets both kids. Other days, he'll go pick up Jacob and take him to the baseball diamond while I get Carter and head home to start dinner. Add in any errands that need running on the way home, and we're rushing in later than we'd like. I try to get dinner on the table as soon as possible, and the dinnertime conversation is usually a combination of Jacob's random chatter and us telling him to eat. By the time we're done, it's practically bedtime. And if it's not, usually Jacob is dragging Craig off to play for a bit while I finish cleaning up the kitchen and entertaining Carter. By the time both kids are in bed, we're both exhausted. Mostly we just sit in front of the TV with our respective computers, do a little surfing/blogging/work, and then we drag ourselves to bed. Usually our talking is minimal because we're both ready to veg out after a long day. And yes, afterhours "fun" probably happens far less than it should, particularly lately with all the stress we've been dealing with.
Sad, isn't it? Rest assured, when we get time together, apart from the kids, we still manage to have fun. We very much enjoyed our time out west when I went to the Knighthawks championship game, and even going out to dinner by ourselves has been a nice throwback to the old days. We still love each other very much--there is no doubt about that. But it's hard to continue to build a relationship when you can barely get a word in edgewise or when you're constantly trying to fend off your child who's trying to kick you in sensitive areas. It's hard to form complete thoughts, let alone have deep, meaningful conversations. And when we do talk, often it's about the kids or Craig's work frustrations (or to a lesser extent, mine), because that's pretty much what dominates most of our time. While I'd love to turn off the TV and make the most of the hour or two before bedtime, most days it just seems like we're both so exhausted that good conversation would be hard to come by. I have a feeling we'd be more likely to fall asleep than anything. And while we could certainly use the extra sleep, that still wouldn't enhance our marriage much or make us very productive with anything else. For example, this blog would certainly take a hit, though I'm not sure the cleanliness of my house can get much worse. It's amazing how that hour or two in front of the TV is considered necessary downtime.
We're constantly trying to keep things as equal as we can as far as taking care of the kids, doing things around the house, and finding alone time for things like the gym, probably to a fault. But there's not a lot of "me" time to be had on either side. There's just always something getting in the way. Just this weekend, Craig took Jacob to Buffalo to see his dad, who's still recovering from open heart surgery. That was a huge sacrifice on his part, because God knows Jacob is not easy to manage right now, let alone solo. I obviously appreciated it, but there wasn't much rest for the weary because I still had a sweet but demanding baby to deal with, along with the added pressure of getting things organized after a week away. Plenty of laundry awaited, along with tons of Jacob's school paperwork. My post-bedtime "fun" on Saturday was spending two hours getting my filing system organized. We did sneak in some fun at the zoo and I did snuggle him during a couple naps, which was nice. But I felt guilty knowing what Craig was dealing with, and he's got plenty of stuff (including our pool closing) that he's having a hard time getting to now that it's almost impossible for me to spend any time alone with Jacob.
Probably one of my biggest fears in all of this is that we'll be one of those couples who, once the kids are out of the house, will look at each other and go, "Who are you and why am I married to you?" God forbid that's ever the case, but we're both so task-oriented right now and everything just seems so hard that it's difficult to stop and smell the roses. It's hard to take those little moments, like waiting in line at Disney, and turn them into fun moments. One of the suggestions from Jacob's therapist is that we try to integrate humor into our interactions with him in hopes that it will throw him off of his cranky path--for example, a tickle fight when we're trying to get him dressed. I appreciate the suggestion, but do you know how hard it is to find humor in a situation when you've just told your kid for the 20th time that he needs to put on his pajamas and he responds by trying to punch you? I'd assert that any moments alone with Craig sort of parallel that, minus the punching. It's hard to inject humor and fun into a situation when you're just so exhausted from the rest of your day that you can barely string a coherent sentence together, let alone think of how to make it fun. We can't even agree on how to handle him some days.
While it's far from dire, it is a bit depressing. It sort of gets back to what I was talking about a couple weeks back in regards to my cousin's wedding...that there's a certain naïve simplicity when you get married, and you have no idea what craziness awaits you in your life together. Our reality right now is a far cry from the joy of our wedding day. The longer you're together, the more you share...but all that history can mean some heavy baggage, too. The newness wears off and the wear and tear of daily life can drag you down. And when you have kids, it's extra easy to turn into teammates or business partners as you divvy up responsibilities and carve out a little time to remember who you are, let alone who you are as part of a couple. As for us, we're mostly just...tired. We're fine, but fine shouldn't be enough. But lately, it almost has to be. We're in survival mode...perhaps not our marriage, but our sanity.
Amazing that one little random moment in line at Disney could have spawned a post like this, but I guess it just illustrated to me how much kids have changed things. And while I wouldn't change most of it (let's face it, I'd change Jacob's current situation in a heartbeat), I guess it's just an occupational hazard of long-term marriage and parenthood. I just hope it gets easier...soon.
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