It quite apparent from recent posts that we're having a lot of trouble with Jacob. We love him to pieces, but boy...it's not easy some days to look past the trouble and see that sweet baby we brought home. Sometimes it literally feels like he's a different child. I can barely remember what it was like to have a little baby. The problems were no less difficult then, just different. One of the biggest differences is that there was very little you could blame on the baby. Sure, the baby might drive you nuts with crying or blowouts or insomnia, but inherently you knew that it wasn't the baby's fault. All of that was instinct for them, and in most cases in the end it was easy enough to a) blame no one; or b) blame yourself. Either it was something that couldn't be helped, or it was some questionable judgment on your part that led to the current predicament.
But as your child gets older, it gets easier to blame them for the things that they do wrong. Over time you expect that they should know better, though that may or may not really be the case. But you know that they have free will and they exercise it often, so it doesn't seem that big of a stretch that they might be to blame for whatever they just did. And for the little stuff, it seems pretty straightforward. But in our case, where the bad behavior has become chronic and troublesome, some of that guilt has come slithering back in our direction. How on earth did we let this happen?
I know that may not be fair to us, because we've always done our best and there's only so much under our control. Like it or not, things get in the way of perfect parenting--exhaustion, schedules, wanting to keep the peace, and, oh yeah...the nine-plus hours a day that he's at daycare. Just writing that makes it seem so cruel. Even older kids in school are only gone for seven hours. And we expect our two year old to deal with nine? Yikes. Still, he has been doing it all his life. He's never known any differently, beyond the fact that he gets us all day on weekends. Maybe it's simply too much to ask of him to spend all that time away from us. Maybe it's okay for some kids but not for ours...maybe he's just programmed differently and he needs his time with us. And oh, how I wish I could provide that. No matter how I do the math, one of us staying home just isn't feasible. Maybe someday with one of us making a few thousand more and another $10,000+ worth of daycare on the agenda, but right now it would be a huge decrease in income that even numerous lifestyle tweaks wouldn't counteract. But for now, regardless of whether or not this is the problem, we're going to have to make do.
It's hard to tell if Jacob is the problem, or if he's being sucked into the problem. When his teachers wrote us the note about the sticker chart, it was phrased in a way that made it seem like Jacob was the only one who was getting it. But then I saw the board with everyone's names on it and the other day a note went home explaining how the chart was going to work. The note made it seem like there are problems with many kids in the class, though the issues they mentioned are all things that I know Jacob is struggling with. Maybe they were just being nice, or maybe he is really one of many. There have been things from time to time that we're pretty sure he's learned from other kids (and often he'll tell us who by name--though I suppose we need to take it with a grain of salt because what kid doesn't want to pass blame?), and that's extra frustrating as a parent, because you know it's not your fault and there's nothing you could have done to prevent it. And good luck telling your kid that something he and a friend thought was funny actually isn't. But as a parent, what do you do? Tell the teacher? You don't know for sure and unless it's really serious it might come off as petty, but if someone else's kid is teaching your kid something bad, it's a tough call. For all of the hockey and lacrosse fights Jacob's seen, I still feel like the seed was planted at daycare because apparently one of his friends was a big wrestling fan, and that seemed to coincide with Jacob's desire to fight us. The sports might have added on and validated it a bit in his mind, but I have my suspicions.
Still, I wonder if our choice to spank from time to time was a problem. I never thought I'd second-guess that, but it really does seem to make him more violent. I thought timeouts were crap, but now I get it. They should be less about punishment and more about getting the child out of the inflammatory situation and giving them a chance to cool off. It does do that for Jacob most of the time, but it's not always the most convenient when we're out and about. We're trying. If we had figured out something else from the beginning, would he be as violent as he is now? Are we not consistent enough? Were we too strict? Not strict enough? You can question yourself forever.
I'm not sure if the sticker chart or withholding hockey sticks is going to be the cure to all our problems, but they're a good starting point. He got four stickers today (missing all but "Listening"), but did come home without socks. He took them off at some point and hid them. Awesome. Still, I did give him one of his hockey sticks back. He was very excited and had a good evening. On good days he'll get a hockey stick, on bad days he'll lose a hockey stick, and if the bad days start to outnumber the good, they'll all go away again.
Part of me wonders if we should try working on a big boy thing to encourage him and/or distract him. I don't know if I'm ready for hardcore potty training yet, but I do wonder if we should try the big boy bed. He might take such pride in his accomplishment that he won't bother to be difficult. For example, the other day he got in his carseat really nicely. I got genuinely excited, because it's always been a problem. He gets distracted, tries to jump into the front seat, roll over to the far side of the backseat, or stand up to look out the back window or play with the top latch of his car seat. But he did it so nicely the one day, and after I made a big deal and he was all proud, it's been a regular occurrence ever since. That's not to say that I haven't tried to do that before, but perhaps he's getting to the point where he gets it. And that's also not to say the novelty won't wear off, but it's something. He was good at dinner tonight (he didn't eat a ton, but he ate it nicely), and I made sure to thank him. We'll see if it sinks in. And maybe now that he got a hockey stick back, he'll make that connection. I'm not holding my breath, but I can hope. But knowing how difficult and impulsive he can be, it's a huge risk. I guess we can always threaten to put his crib back together and hope that helps, but it's a tad nervewracking as people always say, "Keep them in a crib as long as you can!" But maybe it's time for him to grow up a bit and maybe he'll respond positively. Maybe we just need to have higher expectations and encourage him to live up to them. I'm sure we'll have some tough moments, but it's not too often we get a weekend without any plans to try things out. And knowing potty training should be just around the corner, we need to get this in sometime. It's such a tough call. Chances are I'll chicken out again, but I need to keep it in the forefront of my mind because it needs to happen...soon.
At this point, I'll give anything a try.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Better...
Last night was a better night. Particularly considering we were on the go and there were a lot of opportunities for Jacob to freak out and give me trouble. Craig was working and I had a full slate planned--dinner at home, a haircut for Jacob, a quick stop at Wegmans (in the same plaza, thank goodness), and if all went well, a stop at the library, which was just up the road. I had told Jacob the plan in the morning, and he seemed genuinely excited by the library. I don't know if it's because there was a picture of the Amerks' Moose there last time (promoting a series of library appearances), or if he really liked sitting and clicking a non-working computer last time, or what. And when I went to pick him up at daycare, reminding him of it seemed to stop the trouble, at least to some degree. He ate his dinner--a bit difficult at times, but he ate it--and I did have to drag him away from his toys with the threat that if we didn't leave right then, we might not have time for the library. He freaked out on the way out the door because he didn't have a stick (no hockey sticks to bring right now, so he wanted a lacrosse stick), but I explained over the screaming that he couldn't use it anyway. He'd have to sit still at his haircut and we don't play sports at the library. He settled down, and we were off.
Getting Jacob a haircut makes me a bit crazy. I mean, I LOVE when he gets it cut and it's all cute and short and hard to screw up. But I worry about his cowlick getting cut too short because it'll all stick up in the back, and it pains me to spend $12 plus tip to get it done. Which is why I've been trying to do maintenance on it all along since his last one. I've trimmed around his ears, sideburns, in the front and in the back. But it was really getting thick and raggedy in spots, so he just needed a real one. I really need to learn how to use clippers and get over my fear of seriously butchering his hair...but no matter how many times I watch the pros, it all ends up looking a little complicated once it gets to evening things out and tapering the top smoothly down to the shortest areas. But once it's done I'm usually very relieved, so it's always with mixed emotions that we head off to the sports-themed barber to get it done. Jacob was afraid of the giant wall decal of a basketball guy again, and was instantly confused upon sitting down because all of the sports equipment that used to decorate the walls above the chairs was gone. They're remodeling, apparently. He must have asked 10 times during his haircut where it went. He was a little squirmy but he was very well-behaved, even laughing near the end about how the trimmer tickled.
We then headed next door to Wegmans, and while it was only a quick trip, he was good. He kept his shoes on and didn't take any swings at me from his seat. I did give him a sucker that I'd packed in the bag as a reward for his successful haircut, and he greatly enjoyed that as we walked.
Since it was still relatively early and he had been so good, it was off to the library with the strict warning that if he misbehaved we'd leave without any books. I wanted to involve him in picking out some books for himself, but he ended up amusing himself with some Duplo blocks they had in the kids area, so I ended up picking out three books for him--one about a search for a moose (very cute), a "Froggy" book (he owns "Froggy Plays T-Ball") about a day with his dad, and one called "Hooray, Jose" about a basketball-playing mouse. That one ended up being really cute, even if it is about urban neighborhood pickup ball. He's a little mouse that wants to play with the big mice, and he practices hard enough to join the team, only to sit the bench. They play all sorts of other rodents, and when the time comes for the championship game, he predictably swoops in to save the day. I liked it a lot, though. A good rhyme sucks me in every time. Ha, that rhymed :)
All in all, it was a good night. Unfortunately, he woke up bright and early coughing up a storm. It's been a problem lately and I'm starting to think he needs to go back to the doctor AGAIN. He's had a runny nose ever since his first strep throat go-around (or all winter, whatever) and the cough is interrupting his sleep and nearly causing him to gag. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it pops up, it's bad. I tried giving him a spoonful of honey in the middle of the night the other night because it's supposed to help coughs. Hard to tell, but I'm getting desperate so I'll believe it'll work :) Anyway he ended up getting three stickers on the sticker chart today (still not LISTENING) and had a great time playing outside with Craig while I was working out. He was doing great about halfway into dinner, but then he started playing with his food and being generally pesky. He sat through two timeouts when things got really bad, and then had to go to bed right away. He was so bad that he didn't even get stories. Nearly an hour later, he's still awake and cranky. Ugh. Tomorrow's another day...
In the meantime, here's a cute picture from the Knighthawks game we went to a couple weeks ago in Buffalo. At the end of the game we came down to the Blue Zone bar area, and despite the plethora of Sabres memorabilia on display, Jacob was more into the floor. It was full of chalkboard-like diagrams of hockey plays. Jacob was taking faceoffs and running around like a crazy boy. Here's a picture of one of the faceoffs...
There is no doubt, he is seriously obsessed with sports. It is always the first thing on his mind. As I've said before, he looks at the world through "sports-colored glasses". He sees everything as it relates to sports. It's amazing. It's scary, but amazing. Hopefully someday those glasses will help him see that if he would just listen, we could have a heck of a lot more fun.
Getting Jacob a haircut makes me a bit crazy. I mean, I LOVE when he gets it cut and it's all cute and short and hard to screw up. But I worry about his cowlick getting cut too short because it'll all stick up in the back, and it pains me to spend $12 plus tip to get it done. Which is why I've been trying to do maintenance on it all along since his last one. I've trimmed around his ears, sideburns, in the front and in the back. But it was really getting thick and raggedy in spots, so he just needed a real one. I really need to learn how to use clippers and get over my fear of seriously butchering his hair...but no matter how many times I watch the pros, it all ends up looking a little complicated once it gets to evening things out and tapering the top smoothly down to the shortest areas. But once it's done I'm usually very relieved, so it's always with mixed emotions that we head off to the sports-themed barber to get it done. Jacob was afraid of the giant wall decal of a basketball guy again, and was instantly confused upon sitting down because all of the sports equipment that used to decorate the walls above the chairs was gone. They're remodeling, apparently. He must have asked 10 times during his haircut where it went. He was a little squirmy but he was very well-behaved, even laughing near the end about how the trimmer tickled.
We then headed next door to Wegmans, and while it was only a quick trip, he was good. He kept his shoes on and didn't take any swings at me from his seat. I did give him a sucker that I'd packed in the bag as a reward for his successful haircut, and he greatly enjoyed that as we walked.
Since it was still relatively early and he had been so good, it was off to the library with the strict warning that if he misbehaved we'd leave without any books. I wanted to involve him in picking out some books for himself, but he ended up amusing himself with some Duplo blocks they had in the kids area, so I ended up picking out three books for him--one about a search for a moose (very cute), a "Froggy" book (he owns "Froggy Plays T-Ball") about a day with his dad, and one called "Hooray, Jose" about a basketball-playing mouse. That one ended up being really cute, even if it is about urban neighborhood pickup ball. He's a little mouse that wants to play with the big mice, and he practices hard enough to join the team, only to sit the bench. They play all sorts of other rodents, and when the time comes for the championship game, he predictably swoops in to save the day. I liked it a lot, though. A good rhyme sucks me in every time. Ha, that rhymed :)
All in all, it was a good night. Unfortunately, he woke up bright and early coughing up a storm. It's been a problem lately and I'm starting to think he needs to go back to the doctor AGAIN. He's had a runny nose ever since his first strep throat go-around (or all winter, whatever) and the cough is interrupting his sleep and nearly causing him to gag. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it pops up, it's bad. I tried giving him a spoonful of honey in the middle of the night the other night because it's supposed to help coughs. Hard to tell, but I'm getting desperate so I'll believe it'll work :) Anyway he ended up getting three stickers on the sticker chart today (still not LISTENING) and had a great time playing outside with Craig while I was working out. He was doing great about halfway into dinner, but then he started playing with his food and being generally pesky. He sat through two timeouts when things got really bad, and then had to go to bed right away. He was so bad that he didn't even get stories. Nearly an hour later, he's still awake and cranky. Ugh. Tomorrow's another day...
In the meantime, here's a cute picture from the Knighthawks game we went to a couple weeks ago in Buffalo. At the end of the game we came down to the Blue Zone bar area, and despite the plethora of Sabres memorabilia on display, Jacob was more into the floor. It was full of chalkboard-like diagrams of hockey plays. Jacob was taking faceoffs and running around like a crazy boy. Here's a picture of one of the faceoffs...
There is no doubt, he is seriously obsessed with sports. It is always the first thing on his mind. As I've said before, he looks at the world through "sports-colored glasses". He sees everything as it relates to sports. It's amazing. It's scary, but amazing. Hopefully someday those glasses will help him see that if he would just listen, we could have a heck of a lot more fun.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Can't Even Imagine...
Japan has been running through my thoughts constantly for the past few days. Initially I looked at pictures online and read articles here and there, but at some point it took over a good portion of my consciousness. Maybe it's because so many people are affected, maybe it's because this is a first-world nation (translation: they're just like us, so it could happen here too), or maybe it's because this crazy radiation thing is such a horrific problem that has no solution. I mean, you can never replace lives lost in tragedies like this, but you can clean up and rebuild and somehow move forward. But when this whole radiation situation comes into play, you can never really move on completely because you're always going to be wondering if the radiation has set you up for a lifetime of illness ahead. That's just scary.
Ultimately I do think what's kept this situation at the forefront of my mind is simply that they are so much like us. They're not Indonesian villagers. They had pleasant little houses in average towns and cities, just like we live in. They were living their lives pretty much like us (albeit with more rice and fish), right up until the moment that earthquake struck. It could be any one of us. And I know that their lives are no more or less important than those Indonesian villagers...but I think it's just human nature to relate more to what you know. And as a parent, these images become that much more vivid. Parenthood inevitably shifts your focus from "me" to everyone else, so I think it becomes all too easy to put yourself into the shoes of those who are suffering...in whatever small way you can even begin to imagine.
I think one of the things that got me so sucked in is that I watched two videos a couple days ago that blew my mind. The first one was nearly seven minutes long and started with an image of water just flowing down a street--nothing scary, barely a trickle, as if someone had dumped a good sized bucket of water somewhere down the road. You could hear the tsunami warnings in the background, too. As the video progressed, the water got higher and higher. Soon there were sounds of breaking glass, and numerous vehicles floated down the street. Then the water was as high as the storefront doorways, and shortly thereafter you started seeing dust as buildings were pulled off their foundations. It was unreal to watch the transformation. At one point, the person taking the video moved to even higher ground, perhaps to maintain their own safety or maybe just to look out over another area. The video was so eerie as there was no talking at all, despite the fact that it had graphics that might indicate it was part of a TV broadcast. The second video was in what I assume was an even harder hit area, as the video started with a huge wave of water already overtaking the city. So many buildings were moving and the water was easily up above the first story right away. The thing that stuck out to me in this video is that at one point the cameraperson turns around and you see some of the people taking refuge up on this mountain...among them a couple kids. And you can see the adults trying to calm the children, which added a whole other dimension to this. Can you imagine being an adult who has to comfort your child through something like that? It's hard enough to compose yourself at a tough moment, let alone figuring out how to get your child through it. I can't even fathom watching the entire area you live in get swept away before your eyes. And for a child who can barely comprehend what just happened, let alone the inevitable "why?", it's just an overwhelming thought. Overall, I think what made these videos so striking is that you see the "before", and it looks so run of the mill. It could be your neighborhood or the downtown area you work in. When you only see the after, it's merely a disaster scene. So when you see that "before", it's a stark reminder that tragedies can happen to anyone.
However, I suppose having to comfort your child in the midst of that is a blessing, as it means you HAVE your child to comfort. I cringe every time I read a story about a child who slipped from their parent's grasp and floated away. Unthinkable. I can't even imagine how panicked I'd be if something of that magnitude happened here, and I was at work and Jacob was at daycare 10 miles away. To not know what happened there, if he was okay, how I was going to get to him...absolutely agonizing. I've been darn near mesmerized by a few pictures that I've seen over the past few days. One was of a woman who gave birth the day it all happened, along with her baby. She appeared to be in a hospital and well cared for, but what a legacy that kid is going to grow up with. Another picture was of the four month old baby girl that the rescuers found on Monday or Tuesday, I believe. She was found among rubble, pretty much untouched and still in her pink full body fleece coat. I can't even fathom what that little girl had been through, somehow surviving amidst the water, then spending all those days and nights alone, without food or her parents' touch. She's so lucky she survived, and her parents had to be beyond ecstatic that she was found. Unreal.
Finally, there was a third picture that I stared at for a long time. It showed a mom and her baby (only a couple weeks old, if that, as I recall) snuggled up together at an evacuation center. The baby was all snuggled in blankets, seemingly fast asleep, and his mother gazed down adoringly at him, smiling. Amidst such a massive disaster, in the middle of one of the least comfortable situations imaginable, she was smiling. Seeing the picture made me think back to how I would have felt if we were in an evacuation center when Jacob was a mere couple weeks old. Would I have been smiling? Somehow I doubt it. I think I'd be more worried about finding a good place to sleep once I finally could, though with all the stress, who can sleep? I'd be thinking about all of the carefully selected and registered for items that had simply floated away, the things I swore I'd need to get through babyhood, now all gone. I don't think I savored my time with Jacob enough as it was in those early weeks, so I can't even imagine how I'd feel under those circumstances.
Even more, I can't help but think about how the idyllic time those mothers looked forward to just evaporated as the waters rose. You spend nine months imagining what life with your newborn is going to be like, and it stinks that they have to spend their babies' first weeks (if not longer) under such dire circumstances. Heck, we spent all of Jacob's first week at the hospital and I still feel like I missed out on a very special time. In the end, that's nothing! It's just sad that this unique and special time has been so irrevocably changed. In addition, I wonder about the future for those babies, and if their parents are fearing for their children's tiny little lives. They're coming into a world in chaos, no doubt at high risk for a lot of problems. Radiation is probably the biggest concern, but I'd have to think there are risks for a lot of other illnesses that can increase when the most basic needs are hard to come by.
I can barely fathom how a society as a whole comes back from something so devastating. Whether it's the physical challenges of clearing out the debris and rebuilding, or the health challenges of finding enough food or water and avoiding radiation, or or the emotional challenges of getting past the fear and keeping things as "normal" as possible for your children, it's a treacherous mountain to climb. Any one of those things alone would have been enough...but all of them? Every time I think about what that country as a whole has to deal with, it's overwhelming. And to think I've been overwhelmed in the past week with Jacob's horrible behavior (one sticker at daycare today...small steps)...in comparison I have it so easy. I can't imagine how I'd do in a real crisis, and I hope that I never have to truly test that. Still, I hope that I'd find inner strength I never knew I had, which I imagine parents all over Japan are discovering each and every day as they navigate their new "normal". Whether they believe in Him or not, I hope God gives them all they need to get through it.
Ultimately I do think what's kept this situation at the forefront of my mind is simply that they are so much like us. They're not Indonesian villagers. They had pleasant little houses in average towns and cities, just like we live in. They were living their lives pretty much like us (albeit with more rice and fish), right up until the moment that earthquake struck. It could be any one of us. And I know that their lives are no more or less important than those Indonesian villagers...but I think it's just human nature to relate more to what you know. And as a parent, these images become that much more vivid. Parenthood inevitably shifts your focus from "me" to everyone else, so I think it becomes all too easy to put yourself into the shoes of those who are suffering...in whatever small way you can even begin to imagine.
I think one of the things that got me so sucked in is that I watched two videos a couple days ago that blew my mind. The first one was nearly seven minutes long and started with an image of water just flowing down a street--nothing scary, barely a trickle, as if someone had dumped a good sized bucket of water somewhere down the road. You could hear the tsunami warnings in the background, too. As the video progressed, the water got higher and higher. Soon there were sounds of breaking glass, and numerous vehicles floated down the street. Then the water was as high as the storefront doorways, and shortly thereafter you started seeing dust as buildings were pulled off their foundations. It was unreal to watch the transformation. At one point, the person taking the video moved to even higher ground, perhaps to maintain their own safety or maybe just to look out over another area. The video was so eerie as there was no talking at all, despite the fact that it had graphics that might indicate it was part of a TV broadcast. The second video was in what I assume was an even harder hit area, as the video started with a huge wave of water already overtaking the city. So many buildings were moving and the water was easily up above the first story right away. The thing that stuck out to me in this video is that at one point the cameraperson turns around and you see some of the people taking refuge up on this mountain...among them a couple kids. And you can see the adults trying to calm the children, which added a whole other dimension to this. Can you imagine being an adult who has to comfort your child through something like that? It's hard enough to compose yourself at a tough moment, let alone figuring out how to get your child through it. I can't even fathom watching the entire area you live in get swept away before your eyes. And for a child who can barely comprehend what just happened, let alone the inevitable "why?", it's just an overwhelming thought. Overall, I think what made these videos so striking is that you see the "before", and it looks so run of the mill. It could be your neighborhood or the downtown area you work in. When you only see the after, it's merely a disaster scene. So when you see that "before", it's a stark reminder that tragedies can happen to anyone.
However, I suppose having to comfort your child in the midst of that is a blessing, as it means you HAVE your child to comfort. I cringe every time I read a story about a child who slipped from their parent's grasp and floated away. Unthinkable. I can't even imagine how panicked I'd be if something of that magnitude happened here, and I was at work and Jacob was at daycare 10 miles away. To not know what happened there, if he was okay, how I was going to get to him...absolutely agonizing. I've been darn near mesmerized by a few pictures that I've seen over the past few days. One was of a woman who gave birth the day it all happened, along with her baby. She appeared to be in a hospital and well cared for, but what a legacy that kid is going to grow up with. Another picture was of the four month old baby girl that the rescuers found on Monday or Tuesday, I believe. She was found among rubble, pretty much untouched and still in her pink full body fleece coat. I can't even fathom what that little girl had been through, somehow surviving amidst the water, then spending all those days and nights alone, without food or her parents' touch. She's so lucky she survived, and her parents had to be beyond ecstatic that she was found. Unreal.
Finally, there was a third picture that I stared at for a long time. It showed a mom and her baby (only a couple weeks old, if that, as I recall) snuggled up together at an evacuation center. The baby was all snuggled in blankets, seemingly fast asleep, and his mother gazed down adoringly at him, smiling. Amidst such a massive disaster, in the middle of one of the least comfortable situations imaginable, she was smiling. Seeing the picture made me think back to how I would have felt if we were in an evacuation center when Jacob was a mere couple weeks old. Would I have been smiling? Somehow I doubt it. I think I'd be more worried about finding a good place to sleep once I finally could, though with all the stress, who can sleep? I'd be thinking about all of the carefully selected and registered for items that had simply floated away, the things I swore I'd need to get through babyhood, now all gone. I don't think I savored my time with Jacob enough as it was in those early weeks, so I can't even imagine how I'd feel under those circumstances.
Even more, I can't help but think about how the idyllic time those mothers looked forward to just evaporated as the waters rose. You spend nine months imagining what life with your newborn is going to be like, and it stinks that they have to spend their babies' first weeks (if not longer) under such dire circumstances. Heck, we spent all of Jacob's first week at the hospital and I still feel like I missed out on a very special time. In the end, that's nothing! It's just sad that this unique and special time has been so irrevocably changed. In addition, I wonder about the future for those babies, and if their parents are fearing for their children's tiny little lives. They're coming into a world in chaos, no doubt at high risk for a lot of problems. Radiation is probably the biggest concern, but I'd have to think there are risks for a lot of other illnesses that can increase when the most basic needs are hard to come by.
I can barely fathom how a society as a whole comes back from something so devastating. Whether it's the physical challenges of clearing out the debris and rebuilding, or the health challenges of finding enough food or water and avoiding radiation, or or the emotional challenges of getting past the fear and keeping things as "normal" as possible for your children, it's a treacherous mountain to climb. Any one of those things alone would have been enough...but all of them? Every time I think about what that country as a whole has to deal with, it's overwhelming. And to think I've been overwhelmed in the past week with Jacob's horrible behavior (one sticker at daycare today...small steps)...in comparison I have it so easy. I can't imagine how I'd do in a real crisis, and I hope that I never have to truly test that. Still, I hope that I'd find inner strength I never knew I had, which I imagine parents all over Japan are discovering each and every day as they navigate their new "normal". Whether they believe in Him or not, I hope God gives them all they need to get through it.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Discipline...again.
Well, let's see...after a rough week last week, we actually had a decent weekend. Jacob was manageable, which was all I could ask for after his issues last week. He had his moments, but like I always say, he's two. He played nicely and was reasonably pleasant despite having a bit of a crazy sleep schedule. He slept in a bit on Saturday (8am--lately that IS sleeping in), watched a movie on the way to Buffalo, had a bit of a rough lunch and fought his nap, but still did manage to take one. And by some miracle, he sat through an entire play Saturday night. We went to see "The Music Man" at St. Francis High School, Craig's alma mater. Jacob had a chance to run around the gym beforehand, then sat nicely for the entire first act. He was ready to run during the intermission, and got to play "basketball" with his cousins, then sat well for most of the second act before getting a little antsy but manageable near the end. He seemed to like the music and dancing a lot. Good to know, but I don't think we'll be trying that again soon. But it was so nice to be able to enjoy the show. It was a late night and it took him a while to fall asleep, but at least he was relatively sweet about it--pleasantly needy, I guess. He wanted me around but at least tried to fall asleep.
He slept until 8am again, though I wish it would have been later considering he had a late night and the time change to make up for. Still, he was relatively pleasant on a morning errand and while playing, but I got outvoted for naptime before Craig's mom's birthday dinner and we headed to that without a nap. Which meant NO nap. All day. None. Luckily he could run around like a maniac with his cousins in a kid-proofed house, and we could chat with the other adults without worrying much. He started to fall asleep during dinner but snapped out of it. But by the time we were leaving, he was beat and fell asleep as we headed down the road. At 7pm. Which in his brain was pretty much 6pm. Wow. He slept all the way home, woke up briefly upon arrival, and slept through. He did wake up about 7am, but fell back to sleep for nearly an hour. Nice.
After all that, I was hopeful we would have a good Monday. Alas, no such luck. I walked in to find Jacob sans shoes and socks. I knew that meant that he had been throwing them again, and sure enough, he threw one at a teacher. Then I found out that he punched a teacher in the face, unprovoked. Seriously?! He had a long note on the back of his daily sheet saying that they wanted to start doing a sticker chart to help manage his behavior. Today when I walked in, I looked at the sticker chart. All of his friends except one had stickers...and he had none. For all I know, that other kid wasn't even there today. Stickers appeared to be earned for listening, sitting, not throwing things, and sharing. Ugh. He gave me trouble again when I tried to put his coat on. I just don't know what to do. He knows when he's being naughty, as he won't answer questions about it when we ask, but doesn't seem to understand that it impacts other people, or even ultimately himself. He knows why his hockey sticks were taken away, but doesn't seem to grasp that he needs to be a good boy to get them back. This morning presented another example. Before leaving for daycare he was playing with his toys, and he refused to stop so we could leave. I warned him that if we didn't go right then, he would miss breakfast at daycare. He continued to play, but when we finally dragged him away and I told him we were going to be too late for breakfast (don't worry, I gave him a cereal bar to tide him over until his 9:30 snack--not ideal, but something), he got upset. I reminded him again that he needed to stop playing when I asked him so we could get to daycare on time, but he just got upset all over again. He's missing the key that there are consequences to actions--from timeouts to losing his hockey sticks, from missed breakfasts to no dessert. Even his issues with potty training--insisting he wants to wear big boy underwear but never telling us he has to go--seems to fall in line with this issue. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't seem to care that he hurts people, and only seems affected by a raised voice about half the time. The other half of the time he laughs. Ugh.
I just don't know where we went wrong, or what we do to fix this. I'm not sure we can fix it. He may just have to grow out of it, but at what cost in the meantime? Will he really grow out of it, or will it get worse? Part of me wants to buy every book Jo Frost (aka the Supernanny) ever wrote, since a lot of Jacob's issues seem to be similar to things she's dealt with on her show. Just looked, and our library has them...and one is available! Might just have to stop there when I attempt to take Jacob for a haircut tomorrow. Hmmm. Even still, it's just getting to be too much. I worry that he's crying out for help, that he wants more time with us that we just can't give due to our work schedules. He's frequently asking to come into our bed, for example. I sometimes think his craziness at daycare pickup is just because he wants to show us things or play certain things with us now that we're there...but by now it seems like he should be used to the drill...so why isn't he? Sometimes I let my brain wander into possible medical causes--everything ranging from general sicknesses making him cranky or sleep deprivation to possible mental health issues. While it's doubtful, there are times when it seems like his behavior goes so far beyond the normal that nothing would surprise me.
It saddens me, and I just don't know what our next step is. Treading water and waiting to see what happens next is making me a little crazy at this point, and I just want to DO something. Something beyond just praying, that is. On the bright side, we'll both be around all weekend so we'll be able to see how he responds to attention from both of us all weekend while in our own house. So once again, we'll have to wait and see. But if his current cough and congestion doesn't clear up soon, we'll be back at the doctor's and you can bet I'll want to chat about this. It's getting to be too much.
In the meantime, tomorrow is another day...
He slept until 8am again, though I wish it would have been later considering he had a late night and the time change to make up for. Still, he was relatively pleasant on a morning errand and while playing, but I got outvoted for naptime before Craig's mom's birthday dinner and we headed to that without a nap. Which meant NO nap. All day. None. Luckily he could run around like a maniac with his cousins in a kid-proofed house, and we could chat with the other adults without worrying much. He started to fall asleep during dinner but snapped out of it. But by the time we were leaving, he was beat and fell asleep as we headed down the road. At 7pm. Which in his brain was pretty much 6pm. Wow. He slept all the way home, woke up briefly upon arrival, and slept through. He did wake up about 7am, but fell back to sleep for nearly an hour. Nice.
After all that, I was hopeful we would have a good Monday. Alas, no such luck. I walked in to find Jacob sans shoes and socks. I knew that meant that he had been throwing them again, and sure enough, he threw one at a teacher. Then I found out that he punched a teacher in the face, unprovoked. Seriously?! He had a long note on the back of his daily sheet saying that they wanted to start doing a sticker chart to help manage his behavior. Today when I walked in, I looked at the sticker chart. All of his friends except one had stickers...and he had none. For all I know, that other kid wasn't even there today. Stickers appeared to be earned for listening, sitting, not throwing things, and sharing. Ugh. He gave me trouble again when I tried to put his coat on. I just don't know what to do. He knows when he's being naughty, as he won't answer questions about it when we ask, but doesn't seem to understand that it impacts other people, or even ultimately himself. He knows why his hockey sticks were taken away, but doesn't seem to grasp that he needs to be a good boy to get them back. This morning presented another example. Before leaving for daycare he was playing with his toys, and he refused to stop so we could leave. I warned him that if we didn't go right then, he would miss breakfast at daycare. He continued to play, but when we finally dragged him away and I told him we were going to be too late for breakfast (don't worry, I gave him a cereal bar to tide him over until his 9:30 snack--not ideal, but something), he got upset. I reminded him again that he needed to stop playing when I asked him so we could get to daycare on time, but he just got upset all over again. He's missing the key that there are consequences to actions--from timeouts to losing his hockey sticks, from missed breakfasts to no dessert. Even his issues with potty training--insisting he wants to wear big boy underwear but never telling us he has to go--seems to fall in line with this issue. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He doesn't seem to care that he hurts people, and only seems affected by a raised voice about half the time. The other half of the time he laughs. Ugh.
I just don't know where we went wrong, or what we do to fix this. I'm not sure we can fix it. He may just have to grow out of it, but at what cost in the meantime? Will he really grow out of it, or will it get worse? Part of me wants to buy every book Jo Frost (aka the Supernanny) ever wrote, since a lot of Jacob's issues seem to be similar to things she's dealt with on her show. Just looked, and our library has them...and one is available! Might just have to stop there when I attempt to take Jacob for a haircut tomorrow. Hmmm. Even still, it's just getting to be too much. I worry that he's crying out for help, that he wants more time with us that we just can't give due to our work schedules. He's frequently asking to come into our bed, for example. I sometimes think his craziness at daycare pickup is just because he wants to show us things or play certain things with us now that we're there...but by now it seems like he should be used to the drill...so why isn't he? Sometimes I let my brain wander into possible medical causes--everything ranging from general sicknesses making him cranky or sleep deprivation to possible mental health issues. While it's doubtful, there are times when it seems like his behavior goes so far beyond the normal that nothing would surprise me.
It saddens me, and I just don't know what our next step is. Treading water and waiting to see what happens next is making me a little crazy at this point, and I just want to DO something. Something beyond just praying, that is. On the bright side, we'll both be around all weekend so we'll be able to see how he responds to attention from both of us all weekend while in our own house. So once again, we'll have to wait and see. But if his current cough and congestion doesn't clear up soon, we'll be back at the doctor's and you can bet I'll want to chat about this. It's getting to be too much.
In the meantime, tomorrow is another day...
Friday, March 11, 2011
What a week...
I can't even begin to describe how odd and often surreal this week has been. There's nothing like having two days off in the middle of the week to completely throw you off schedule. Per my previous post, I found out first thing Monday morning that my Aunt Karen had passed away Sunday night. That wasn't a surprise, as I knew it was only a matter of time, but from that point on I officially knew I had a crazy week ahead. I worked on Tuesday, though I was planning on taking off an hour early so we could head to Craig's mom's Mardi Gras fundraiser and get there reasonably on time. Well, that plan was thwarted by Chase Tower's Elevator 1, which promptly trapped me for 45 minutes as I was leaving the office. It dropped about four feet and was stuck there until the elevator people came and did their thing, which merely dropped me down to the next floor and allowed me to take another elevator down to the ground. I wasn't panicked, just bored and annoyed. So, we got the fundraiser about an hour and a half late. We ate, tried to get Jacob to eat (no luck), and let him run around like a maniac with his cousins. He went to bed late and woke up bright and early, but he did sleep through. Small victories.
We had two tentative plans for Wednesday and Thursday. Both plans involved getting me to my parents' house and Craig taking Jacob back to Rochester so they could both have a normal day of work/daycare. The splitting point was whether they came back Wednesday evening for the end of the calling hours and Thursday's funeral, or whether they stayed in Rochester through Thursday morning, when Craig would leave Jacob at daycare and come to the funeral solo. Knowing what a handful Jacob has been lately, I strongly advised him to do the latter, as neither of us would be wanting to chase him or keep him quiet, and funerals are the last place you really want to be worrying about that anyway--both for your own ability to mourn as well as the risk of disturbing others in their sad moment. And in the end, he did go with the second option...thank goodness.
It's been a long time since I've been away from Jacob overnight. The last time I can recall is last summer when I did my day trip to IKEA and came to NT the night before. That's a long time ago now and it really hit me how much time I do spend with Jacob. I suppose that some parents are never away from their kids, but when my point of comparison is Craig, who's on the road a lot, it's definitely a contrast. But regardless, in the midst of his current behavior, a break was that much more welcomed. I will say that I appreciated the uninterrupted time with my family, time to chat with my cousins, aunts and uncles, time to sleep in a bit, and time to just generally not worry about Jacob running around with his stick of choice wreaking havoc. Part of me feels guilty for feeling some relief, but part of me wonders if I should get more breaks here and there, if only to maintain my mental health in the midst of a tough stretch. Not that I want to spend more time away from Jacob or put the burden on someone else, but lately it's just been hard. I don't know...I guess I can't win. Regardless, the time with my family was great and the funeral was very nice. It was obviously a sad time, but there was much to celebrate as well, as we are completely sure that Aunt Karen's in heaven.
When we came back yesterday, we spent a little time home alone before I went to pick up Jacob. For the third straight day he had a questionable report--generally that he's having trouble listening and following directions. He threw his shoe at a teacher the other day (and actually voluntarily told another teacher that he did it), so it was truly disappointing to hear. He was a royal pain from the moment I got there, running away and being generally difficult, and at that point, I had had it. I told him that as a result of his behavior, we would be taking away his hockey sticks until his behavior improved and he was listening better. That, of course, led to a meltdown in the car, and just as I finished telling Jacob some of the reasons why (including throwing his shoes), I had a sock sail by my head into the front seat. If the deal hadn't been sealed before that, that certainly did it. So, the sticks are put away until I see a definite shift in his behavior. It's a big step and I'm not entirely sure how he's going to earn them back (which is probably a no-no in the world of discipline), but something HAD to be done.
In the meantime I've been making myself crazy trying to figure out why he's being so ridiculously awful. He's fighting us on everything, even routine stuff he should be totally used to. It's making life pretty darn awful a lot of the time. I actually asked his teachers this morning if they thought we should be taking him to see a professional. After all, his tendency to hit, kick and throw things is a little disturbing, and he knows when he's done something wrong but laughs and smiles about it. What is up with that? They said no, but I still wonder. At the same time I keep wondering if he's still sick, because his naps have been short and his mornings have been early. That's definitely a change of pace, but geez...we just got over another round of meds. Could he really be sick again?
I feel like I spend the majority of my time yelling at him, and that's an awful feeling. Awful. I feel myself withdrawing from him a bit--because he frustrates me, because I don't understand him, because I don't know how to play with him sometimes. I'm having a hard time finding a balance between showing him love but also showing disapproval (and in some cases withholding attention) when he misbehaves. It's incredibly hard. I don't understand how he can be the sweetest little boy sometimes, but then have hours at a time when everything is a test or a battle.
I was pretty down this morning, but got a serious reality check when I got to my work computer and saw the devastation in Japan. Unbelievable. It makes our challenges seem like nothing. I did have another one yesterday, too, when we noticed that this little boy that was at the funeral, probably around Jacob's age, had a trach tube sticking out of his neck. I can't imagine what that little boy's illness is, but man, was he cute. But it sure was sobering. Either situation makes you realize how lucky you are, even if our situation still involves a daily struggle. We're blessed.
Tonight involved another rough pick-up at daycare, and an equally rough trip to Wegmans, but dinner and post-dinner playing went really well. His bath was great, and while bedtime had its moments, it was manageable. It was probably the longest period of peace we've had in a while. Tomorrow will no doubt bring on a new set of challenges, but at least I can sleep okay tonight knowing that we had a good evening. But what a week it has been.
We had two tentative plans for Wednesday and Thursday. Both plans involved getting me to my parents' house and Craig taking Jacob back to Rochester so they could both have a normal day of work/daycare. The splitting point was whether they came back Wednesday evening for the end of the calling hours and Thursday's funeral, or whether they stayed in Rochester through Thursday morning, when Craig would leave Jacob at daycare and come to the funeral solo. Knowing what a handful Jacob has been lately, I strongly advised him to do the latter, as neither of us would be wanting to chase him or keep him quiet, and funerals are the last place you really want to be worrying about that anyway--both for your own ability to mourn as well as the risk of disturbing others in their sad moment. And in the end, he did go with the second option...thank goodness.
It's been a long time since I've been away from Jacob overnight. The last time I can recall is last summer when I did my day trip to IKEA and came to NT the night before. That's a long time ago now and it really hit me how much time I do spend with Jacob. I suppose that some parents are never away from their kids, but when my point of comparison is Craig, who's on the road a lot, it's definitely a contrast. But regardless, in the midst of his current behavior, a break was that much more welcomed. I will say that I appreciated the uninterrupted time with my family, time to chat with my cousins, aunts and uncles, time to sleep in a bit, and time to just generally not worry about Jacob running around with his stick of choice wreaking havoc. Part of me feels guilty for feeling some relief, but part of me wonders if I should get more breaks here and there, if only to maintain my mental health in the midst of a tough stretch. Not that I want to spend more time away from Jacob or put the burden on someone else, but lately it's just been hard. I don't know...I guess I can't win. Regardless, the time with my family was great and the funeral was very nice. It was obviously a sad time, but there was much to celebrate as well, as we are completely sure that Aunt Karen's in heaven.
When we came back yesterday, we spent a little time home alone before I went to pick up Jacob. For the third straight day he had a questionable report--generally that he's having trouble listening and following directions. He threw his shoe at a teacher the other day (and actually voluntarily told another teacher that he did it), so it was truly disappointing to hear. He was a royal pain from the moment I got there, running away and being generally difficult, and at that point, I had had it. I told him that as a result of his behavior, we would be taking away his hockey sticks until his behavior improved and he was listening better. That, of course, led to a meltdown in the car, and just as I finished telling Jacob some of the reasons why (including throwing his shoes), I had a sock sail by my head into the front seat. If the deal hadn't been sealed before that, that certainly did it. So, the sticks are put away until I see a definite shift in his behavior. It's a big step and I'm not entirely sure how he's going to earn them back (which is probably a no-no in the world of discipline), but something HAD to be done.
In the meantime I've been making myself crazy trying to figure out why he's being so ridiculously awful. He's fighting us on everything, even routine stuff he should be totally used to. It's making life pretty darn awful a lot of the time. I actually asked his teachers this morning if they thought we should be taking him to see a professional. After all, his tendency to hit, kick and throw things is a little disturbing, and he knows when he's done something wrong but laughs and smiles about it. What is up with that? They said no, but I still wonder. At the same time I keep wondering if he's still sick, because his naps have been short and his mornings have been early. That's definitely a change of pace, but geez...we just got over another round of meds. Could he really be sick again?
I feel like I spend the majority of my time yelling at him, and that's an awful feeling. Awful. I feel myself withdrawing from him a bit--because he frustrates me, because I don't understand him, because I don't know how to play with him sometimes. I'm having a hard time finding a balance between showing him love but also showing disapproval (and in some cases withholding attention) when he misbehaves. It's incredibly hard. I don't understand how he can be the sweetest little boy sometimes, but then have hours at a time when everything is a test or a battle.
I was pretty down this morning, but got a serious reality check when I got to my work computer and saw the devastation in Japan. Unbelievable. It makes our challenges seem like nothing. I did have another one yesterday, too, when we noticed that this little boy that was at the funeral, probably around Jacob's age, had a trach tube sticking out of his neck. I can't imagine what that little boy's illness is, but man, was he cute. But it sure was sobering. Either situation makes you realize how lucky you are, even if our situation still involves a daily struggle. We're blessed.
Tonight involved another rough pick-up at daycare, and an equally rough trip to Wegmans, but dinner and post-dinner playing went really well. His bath was great, and while bedtime had its moments, it was manageable. It was probably the longest period of peace we've had in a while. Tomorrow will no doubt bring on a new set of challenges, but at least I can sleep okay tonight knowing that we had a good evening. But what a week it has been.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Life and Death
I must say, it was a bit odd heading into this week knowing that it would include a funeral. A funeral for someone who wasn't even dead yet. I don't think I've ever been in quite that position before, and it was strange. I suppose it was comforting in a way, knowing that my Aunt Karen's battle against cancer was, in fact, coming to an end, and that it wouldn't be a funeral out of left field like it was when her beloved husband, my Uncle Bink, died suddenly of a heart attack 13-1/2 years ago. That's not to say that my heart doesn't ache for my three cousins and their loved ones--spouses, kids, and family on their mom's side, including my aunt's twin sister, who herself has been through a battle with cancer. It does...a lot. I can't even begin to imagine how they're feeling right now, the morning after my aunt passed away and headed up to heaven. The family has been through so much in the past 13-1/2 years. They've lost their father, all four grandparents (the most recent was just a few months ago), and my cousin's husband who died in his early 30s, not to mention my other cousin's failed marriage (not her fault)....all way too much to bear. There have been two grandchildren and two remarriages in that time as well, thank God, but still...too much.
My Aunt Karen's presence within our family has been a debated topic since my uncle died. She didn't come around too much after, which was her choice. The memories were too painful, I guess. Since our first instinct was to cling to one another for support, I guess it caught everyone off guard when her first instinct was to step away. Our big, boisterous family was too vivid a reminder of her loss, and even though our family is full of love and support (in our own strange way at times, I know), I guess it just wasn't the kind of support she needed. So, since then I could probably count the number of times on two hands where I had seen her for any extended period of time, other than seeing her across church in her designated pew. And really, since my parents switched churches a few years ago, there hasn't even been that. My cousins still came around for a good chunk of family parties and holidays, but even their time with the family was lessened to some degree, simply because they still needed to make their mother a priority. Understandable, obviously.
I think more than anything the family was disappointed that my aunt didn't lean on them more for help in the aftermath. After all, the family is generally very close--not without its issues, of course--but in the end any issues could be pushed aside for the sake of the family in the event of a tragedy like that one. I think her decision to distance herself hurt a lot of feelings, but in the end I think all of us can admit that we're in no position to judge. None of us knows how we would react in a situation like that...and thankfully, none of us have had to. I've tried to put myself in her position, but I truly have no idea how I would react. And even then, everyone is different. She did reach out to some family members in her own way in the years that followed, and I don't think there was any true animosity on either side...just a shared difficulty understanding, I guess.
Nevertheless, I don't think anyone could argue with the fact that my Aunt Karen was a gentle soul. She was quiet and reserved, with a soft voice. She had a definite soft spot for babies, a stack of prized recipes, and some of the most lovely handwriting you'll ever see. She had an almost southern sensibility about her. She was always dressed nice, always had her hair and makeup done, and just seemed to be your stereotypical doting wife and mother. At some point when I was around middle school age she became the church secretary, and stayed in that position (though massive church strife, no less) until she was too sick to work. She somehow survived the loss of her husband, far too young, and even then I knew she'd never be the type to date or try to find someone new. It was quite clear that Uncle Bink was THE love of her life and even "'til death do us part" didn't express the scope of her dedication to him. More than ever before, I desperately hope and pray that we do know and see our loved ones in heaven, because I can only imagine the joy she would have experienced last night upon entry, not just to be there, but to have the long-awaited reunion with her one and only. If there was ever a person who I hoped that for, it's her. But long story short, it's quite a testament to her gentle being when pretty much everyone who commented on my Facebook status this morning said that she was one of the nicest ladies they'd ever known. Not a bad legacy to leave.
So, now that I've gone through all of this, you're probably wondering why I'm posting this here, on a blog that is primarily about Jacob. Well, it's about parenthood as well, and I think parenthood gives you a whole different perspective on death. You can't help but cringe when you hear stories in the news about dead children or dead parents who left children behind. Earthquakes, murders, fires, and accidents will never look the same once you've had a child. Heck, just a couple weeks ago a young woman in Rochester was hit by a plow while walking in a parking lot, leaving behind a husband and three young kids--the youngest just six months old--and I couldn't get it out of my head for a long time. Horrific.
For a while I've been increasingly aware that we're in this really happy place right now in life, even if some days it doesn't seem like it. Daily stresses aside, we have one amazing little boy, we both have jobs, we have a beautiful house, and we have a ton of family still alive and well. The vast majority of our aunts and uncles are still around, we each still have one grandmother, and Jacob still has all of his grandparents. Even just for those reasons alone, we're in a good spot. I am well aware, however, that this period will not last forever. Our older relatives will start passing away at a quicker rate, and funerals will become much more common. I can't even begin to describe the dread and fear that I feel at the thought of losing our parents.
I don't know at what age I understood the concept of death, and to be honest I am completely stumped about how and when to present it to Jacob because it's a BIG concept for a little kid. Even just getting around to explaining Easter to Jacob is proving difficult, so I can't imagine how it will go down the road when we have a present-day example that directly relates to his world...particularly when there isn't an immediate happy ending like the Easter story. I lived a very charmed life when it came to death. I think my first time at a funeral home was when my good friend's father passed away when I was about 14. I suppose any family deaths that occurred prior to that were when I was too young to know, or weren't significant enough for me to go to. My first significant family death was my Uncle Bink, when I was 19. I was blessed to have three of my four grandparents for a good portion of my life. Unfortunately, my mother's father died shortly before I turned two, but my other grandfather didn't pass away until I was 20. My grandma followed six years later. I do mourn the fact that I never got to know my one grandfather, but I guess I had it easy since I never knew what I was missing.
Seeing my parents as grandparents has been an amazing experience, and it's made me so grateful for the opportunity. At this point I can only pray that they're around long enough for any more children we have, and to get to know them very well for many years to come. I believe my children's lives will be greatly enhanced by time with their grandparents (all four of them), and I pray they have plenty of time to do that. But I know that it won't last forever, and for my Aunt Karen's granddaughters (and any future grandchildren she'll never get a chance to meet), that fact is all too real. It's tragic. And if I didn't say it last October when we lost an old friend to cancer, I'll say it again: Cancer Sucks.
It's going to be an odd week. We have a fundraiser for Craig's mom on Tuesday, calling hours on Wednesday, and the funeral on Thursday. We have a busy weekend ahead as well, so suffice it to say that this week is going to include a LOT of packing and a lot of Thruway travel...on the heels of a weekend of much the same. This is the easy stuff, though. We are blessed and these trivial little things that stress me out are nothing in the grand scheme of things. This week isn't about me. It's about a wonderful woman who is gone far too soon, and the special people she left behind. I pray that she rests in peace and is enjoying a fantastic reunion in heaven. Well done, thou good and faithful servant.
My Aunt Karen's presence within our family has been a debated topic since my uncle died. She didn't come around too much after, which was her choice. The memories were too painful, I guess. Since our first instinct was to cling to one another for support, I guess it caught everyone off guard when her first instinct was to step away. Our big, boisterous family was too vivid a reminder of her loss, and even though our family is full of love and support (in our own strange way at times, I know), I guess it just wasn't the kind of support she needed. So, since then I could probably count the number of times on two hands where I had seen her for any extended period of time, other than seeing her across church in her designated pew. And really, since my parents switched churches a few years ago, there hasn't even been that. My cousins still came around for a good chunk of family parties and holidays, but even their time with the family was lessened to some degree, simply because they still needed to make their mother a priority. Understandable, obviously.
I think more than anything the family was disappointed that my aunt didn't lean on them more for help in the aftermath. After all, the family is generally very close--not without its issues, of course--but in the end any issues could be pushed aside for the sake of the family in the event of a tragedy like that one. I think her decision to distance herself hurt a lot of feelings, but in the end I think all of us can admit that we're in no position to judge. None of us knows how we would react in a situation like that...and thankfully, none of us have had to. I've tried to put myself in her position, but I truly have no idea how I would react. And even then, everyone is different. She did reach out to some family members in her own way in the years that followed, and I don't think there was any true animosity on either side...just a shared difficulty understanding, I guess.
Nevertheless, I don't think anyone could argue with the fact that my Aunt Karen was a gentle soul. She was quiet and reserved, with a soft voice. She had a definite soft spot for babies, a stack of prized recipes, and some of the most lovely handwriting you'll ever see. She had an almost southern sensibility about her. She was always dressed nice, always had her hair and makeup done, and just seemed to be your stereotypical doting wife and mother. At some point when I was around middle school age she became the church secretary, and stayed in that position (though massive church strife, no less) until she was too sick to work. She somehow survived the loss of her husband, far too young, and even then I knew she'd never be the type to date or try to find someone new. It was quite clear that Uncle Bink was THE love of her life and even "'til death do us part" didn't express the scope of her dedication to him. More than ever before, I desperately hope and pray that we do know and see our loved ones in heaven, because I can only imagine the joy she would have experienced last night upon entry, not just to be there, but to have the long-awaited reunion with her one and only. If there was ever a person who I hoped that for, it's her. But long story short, it's quite a testament to her gentle being when pretty much everyone who commented on my Facebook status this morning said that she was one of the nicest ladies they'd ever known. Not a bad legacy to leave.
So, now that I've gone through all of this, you're probably wondering why I'm posting this here, on a blog that is primarily about Jacob. Well, it's about parenthood as well, and I think parenthood gives you a whole different perspective on death. You can't help but cringe when you hear stories in the news about dead children or dead parents who left children behind. Earthquakes, murders, fires, and accidents will never look the same once you've had a child. Heck, just a couple weeks ago a young woman in Rochester was hit by a plow while walking in a parking lot, leaving behind a husband and three young kids--the youngest just six months old--and I couldn't get it out of my head for a long time. Horrific.
For a while I've been increasingly aware that we're in this really happy place right now in life, even if some days it doesn't seem like it. Daily stresses aside, we have one amazing little boy, we both have jobs, we have a beautiful house, and we have a ton of family still alive and well. The vast majority of our aunts and uncles are still around, we each still have one grandmother, and Jacob still has all of his grandparents. Even just for those reasons alone, we're in a good spot. I am well aware, however, that this period will not last forever. Our older relatives will start passing away at a quicker rate, and funerals will become much more common. I can't even begin to describe the dread and fear that I feel at the thought of losing our parents.
I don't know at what age I understood the concept of death, and to be honest I am completely stumped about how and when to present it to Jacob because it's a BIG concept for a little kid. Even just getting around to explaining Easter to Jacob is proving difficult, so I can't imagine how it will go down the road when we have a present-day example that directly relates to his world...particularly when there isn't an immediate happy ending like the Easter story. I lived a very charmed life when it came to death. I think my first time at a funeral home was when my good friend's father passed away when I was about 14. I suppose any family deaths that occurred prior to that were when I was too young to know, or weren't significant enough for me to go to. My first significant family death was my Uncle Bink, when I was 19. I was blessed to have three of my four grandparents for a good portion of my life. Unfortunately, my mother's father died shortly before I turned two, but my other grandfather didn't pass away until I was 20. My grandma followed six years later. I do mourn the fact that I never got to know my one grandfather, but I guess I had it easy since I never knew what I was missing.
Seeing my parents as grandparents has been an amazing experience, and it's made me so grateful for the opportunity. At this point I can only pray that they're around long enough for any more children we have, and to get to know them very well for many years to come. I believe my children's lives will be greatly enhanced by time with their grandparents (all four of them), and I pray they have plenty of time to do that. But I know that it won't last forever, and for my Aunt Karen's granddaughters (and any future grandchildren she'll never get a chance to meet), that fact is all too real. It's tragic. And if I didn't say it last October when we lost an old friend to cancer, I'll say it again: Cancer Sucks.
It's going to be an odd week. We have a fundraiser for Craig's mom on Tuesday, calling hours on Wednesday, and the funeral on Thursday. We have a busy weekend ahead as well, so suffice it to say that this week is going to include a LOT of packing and a lot of Thruway travel...on the heels of a weekend of much the same. This is the easy stuff, though. We are blessed and these trivial little things that stress me out are nothing in the grand scheme of things. This week isn't about me. It's about a wonderful woman who is gone far too soon, and the special people she left behind. I pray that she rests in peace and is enjoying a fantastic reunion in heaven. Well done, thou good and faithful servant.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Short shots
Yesterday Jacob said something to Craig about playing for the Sabres. Craig asked Jacob if he would take care of us (you know, with his gobs of money) if he played for the Sabres. Jacob said, "No, Daddy, I can't. You're too heavy. I can't carry you." How cute is that? I guess in his mind, that's what "taking care" of someone is all about. Sweet in its simplicity, isn't it?
Jacob seems to have grown again. Any shirts that were borderline around Christmas are now getting to be too small. All his growth seems to be in his upper body--long arms and a long torso. And I have NO idea where the long torso comes from, because neither Craig nor I have that feature. I'm sure someday it'll all catch up with itself and his body type will resemble ours in one way or another, but for now it's tough to keep the kid in shirts. He's so skinny that he swims in the body. He can't fill out the shoulders, either. But his arms seem to instantly start peeking out of the sleeves, and his belly is never far behind. Poor kid. Most of his pants still seem to be a good length, but they're always still falling off him. And more recently I am having trouble even with adjustable waists...because they're tight when he's sitting (and he complains) and they're falling off him when he's standing up and running around. I can't win!
I don't think I've mentioned here that Jacob has his "three musketeers" of stuffed animal buddies. Mind you, he's got a million stuffed animals. And he sleeps with a ridiculous number of them, much to our dismay. There's hardly room for him in his own crib, but no matter how many times we try to take animals out (even just to the basket next to his crib) he just knows they're not there. Amazingly, he can lose animals in his own crib in the pile, but he also knows when one of his animals is hanging out somewhere else. It's uncanny. And although many of his animals have their moments of glory, there are three that are his current favorites:
(L to R: Baby Moose, Eagle, Loosey Moosey (a.k.a. Mommy's Moose))
So...Baby Moose is the moose Jacob got on our trip to the pumpkin farm last fall. Eagle is a Knighthawks' themed bird that he's had forever, and Mommy's Moose (whose real name is Loosey Moosey, a.k.a. LooMoo) was a gift to me from Craig after I got my wisdom teeth out. He's the best moose, the dearest one to my heart, but against my better judgment I've been letting Jacob hang out with him. He carries all three of them around all the time, and it's the cutest thing ever to check in on him after he falls asleep and see him snuggling them. A few weeks ago, somewhere between my parents' house and our house, Baby Moose disappeared. There weren't a lot of places he could have gone, but it took a while to figure it out. Finally my dad saw a leg sticking out from the closed La-Z-Boy, and voila. It was a rough go for a couple days, as Jacob kept asking for him, but thank goodness he made it back intact. He was very happy to see him this weekend when my parents came to visit. It's cute watching him with his animals--the male equivalent of little girls and their dolls--though it still makes me nervous that he's sleeping with all of them. For as neurotic as I was about keeping things out of his crib when he was a tiny baby, we've really let it get out of hand. I keep hoping it will get better in a big boy bed, but I doubt it. Speaking of which, we haven't done the big boy bed yet. Everytime I think about it I chicken out. I dread the thought of not being able to trap him in there, knowing he could get up and walk around, and it scares me. I don't think we'll be able to trick him into staying in there, and I worry about the lack of sleep that will go along with it. I'm still not sure if we should get a gate or close the door and put the childproof knob on, or get one of those clocks with the colored lights to indicate when it's ok to get up. We will have to get a bed rail, though. Decisions, decisions. I'll get the guts one of these weekends. The kid should have access to his own bed, after all. Recently he did get one big boy addition to his bedroom. The Amerks and Knighthawks gave out wall decals at recent games, and we added the logos to Jacob's wall. We will be able to move them to his new room when the time comes. In the meantime, they may not fit in with the Snoopy decor, but they're still pretty darn cool anyway...
Okay, I can't keep my eyes open, so that's enough for tonight. Hopefully we don't have another nearly sleepless night (for no apparent reason) tonight. Yes, he's draining (hopefully for good), but really? We need sleep!
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