Video Tuesday

Just a quick little treat for today. This is video of Jacob pitching a baseball. It was taken at my family reunion a few weeks ago. He's working on that form!

Not much else to report that I didn't already complain...er...I mean, blog about yesterday. I feel like I should remind everyone that despite my cranky post yesterday, I do still love Jacob more than anything. Yes, he makes me crazy. But he's so incredibly cute and sweet when he's being a good boy, and I absolutely love watching him grow. He says some really funny things and is downright goofy sometimes. And yes, when he's quiet and snuggly and even sleeping, I love it. I love snuggling with him, I love playing with his hair (just thinking yesterday that I should enjoy the dirty blond--it won't be around forever, I'm sure) and rubbing his still-baby-soft skin, playing with his belly and kissing his forehead or his cute little cheeks. And I can't help but laugh when his other set of cheeks go running naked down the hallway at bathtime. I love that his brown eyes are dark like mine, and that he got Craig's dimple. I think it's cute that he now asks me to rub his back at bedtime. I love how much he loves his stuffed animals, but appreciate that he doesn't need any specific one to function in his daily life (purely for my sanity, I suppose). I love the way his face brightens when I arrive to get him at daycare, even if it is usually short-lived and he generally runs away from me two seconds later. But yesterday I did get a big smile, a "Mommy!" and a big hug. Priceless. I love that one kiss fixes most of his boo-boos instantaneously. I love that he can jump and count and sing songs, because I'd be a little worried if his main skills were all sports related. When he's a good boy, he's the light of my life. When he's not, it's that much harder because he's at the core of my world and if the core isn't good, it's hard to make the rest good. But I love him to pieces. Or, to quote one of our favorite bedtime books, "I love you to the moon...and back."

Mean Mommy

I don't get it. Yesterday wasn't a bad day. In fact, it was a pretty darn good weekend. Yet, when I went to bed last night I was pretty darn unhappy. I think it's a result of a couple things, namely our dilemma of wanting to have another baby and not knowing where to find an extra $12,000 for daycare, and the fact that Jacob was just brutal yesterday. And I suppose I was no better.

Make no mistake, Jacob is a masterful button-pusher. As I've mentioned before, no matter how you tell him no or try to dissuade him, he will continue on in whatever he's doing with a smile on his face. I'm sure the look is more, "Aren't I cute?" than, "Haha, I'm so evil!", at least from his perspective, but it drives me nuts. He's definitely a kid with his own agenda, but when his doesn't match mine, it's a showdown. And ultimately, we probably both lose. He doesn't get his way, but I'm miserable from fighting him. Still, unless it makes sense in the grand scheme of things, I'm not about to back down and let him think he runs the show. I won't get into details, but suffice it to say that I did a lot of yelling and was close enough to a meltdown myself that I had to pass him off more than once. He played with his food, screamed loudly in church and in a bathroom at the zoo (appropriate place or not, it hurts my ears and grates on my nerves), he ran away more times than I can count, didn't want to sit in his stroller, asked the same question 300 times, etc. Singly they probably wouldn't be a problem. It's what two year olds do. But all together in one day, it made me nuts. Whether or not he deserved it, I felt like a mean Mommy by the end of the day. I don't know if it was a coincidence or not, but he wanted Craig to read him his stories last night. I was beat, so it was just as well. But I felt like crap anyway. I just keep hoping that one of these days it will click with him that he doesn't have to try to press our buttons all the time, that things tend to work out better for everyone if he follows directions reasonably well. I know he's two and won't be perfect for a long time (if ever), but it doesn't seem like too much to ask to have him cooperate more often than not.

It is days like that that make me doubt that we should even have unaffordable kid #2, no matter how much we don't want Jacob to be an only child. How could I deal with both if one is making me that nuts? Maybe Jacob would be better by the time #2 would arrive. But what if he's not? It's hard enough going out with just one sometimes. What would it be like with two? Especially early on when #2 is higher maintenance and I can't just drop one kid to tend to another? How would I ever leave the house alone again? If I'm tired and overwhelmed now, what would I do with all of Jacob's needs AND an infant's, considering either one is enough on its own? I keep telling myself that it's a short term sacrifice for long term gain, but I also keep wondering if the short term sacrifice would send me into the looney bin (or some less dramatic but equally frustrating equivalent) or put a strain on our marriage when Craig's working crazy hours, I'm working full time and being a mom every other moment, and there still isn't enough money or time to go around. I'd hope it wouldn't come to that, but I'm sure there are thousands of other couples out there that never thought it would happen to them, either. It's scary. I'm starting to hear of another round of pregnancies among my friends and blogs I read, and we ran into an old co-worker yesterday that reiterated how nice a three-year age difference is (each of her three boys are three years apart). Right now sort of reminds me of how I felt last year when we were trying to get pregnant, except this one is a different form of torture. Last time we were in this crazy limbo because we didn't know if or when I'd get pregnant because my body wasn't cooperating. This time we're in limbo because we don't know when we should even start trying. We want to, but fear and a serious reality check are totally taking over. I asked Craig last night what our backup plan is...meaning, if nothing changes in the next year and we still can't afford it, do we just bite the bullet and go for it before any of the three of us is too old? He couldn't really give me an answer. I guess I'm not sure either. But if we would just do it then, should we just do it now when we originally wanted to and just hope we figure it out? I'm all sorts of conflicted right now and it's bumming me out.

Regardless, we had a nice weekend aside from Jacob's "moments". Friday night we had Jacob's daycare carnival. It was a pretty low key event, with some carnival food, a few low-budget games, a bounce house and pony rides. We decided to eat right when we got there. Here's Jacob in his two most common positions during that meal--drinking out of the water bottle, and with his trusty companion, the bag of popcorn. He ate so much popcorn that the giant poop he had the next morning was filled with the shells from the kernels. Gross.

After we ate, we tried out a couple games. One involved picking up a duck out of a kiddie pool. That was it. In the real world the dot on the bottom of the duck would have determined your prize, but not here--you could pick anything from the prize bin. Perhaps the prize was for not falling in the pool in the process. Another game was a ball toss at pyramids of three cans. Jacob kept stealing the balls and running away with them. Ugh. Just as we finished the games and were heading off to the pony ride, they were packing up. So no first pony ride for Jacob :( He had gotten to do the bounce house earlier in the day and I figured it wasn't ideal for him to go in, first because he had just eaten a bag of popcorn, half a hotdog and half a bottle of water, and second because there were bigger kids in there and we didn't need any injuries. We opted instead to go to the playground. I had never been back there before, and I was impressed with all they had. It was a Little Tikes haven--cars, lawn mowers, houses of all shapes and sizes, and a huge Little Tikes playground with multiple slides and a couple climbing areas. Very cool. They also had an area for bigger kids, which was still way safer than the playground Jacob fell off of a couple weeks ago. Here he is in a tunnel with Craig sending in the octopi (his hand) to get Jacob (the octopi thing is a running joke with us).

As we were getting ready to leave, there was a deer snacking in the field next to and behind the field we were in. Jacob decided he wanted to pet the deer and ran off after it. Surprisingly (and frighteningly), the deer didn't run away. The closer Jacob got, the more worried I got that the deer was going to run at him and kick him. So I finally sped up and caught him, but managed to snap a couple pictures in the process. It was a scary moment, but interesting in its own way...

The next day, my parents came into town to go to the Park Ave. Festival, a great two-day festival here in Rochester. It's got a nice, slightly eclectic mix of vendors. The crafters tend to be a bit more on the artistic side than your usual craft show--less country stuff and more modern things--glass, big wall art, etc. There were a lot of people selling food products, so we were sampling up a storm, almost to the point we didn't need lunch. There were lots of freebies, too! It's just a neat festival in a part of town with lots of big old houses and a big post-college population. People tend to have big house parties along the route because they can't really leave their homes for a couple days. It's great for people watching and the pleasant mix of crafts, product promotion and food is nice. It was a perfect day for it and the shade along the long route was lovely. We were there for four hours. It was me, Jacob, my parents, and their friends who live in town here as well. Craig stayed home to rest his leg...he never would have survived! Anyway, we had a great time! I only snapped one picture of Jacob--he was playing in the water fountains that were up for sale!

Jacob slept for about 45 minutes to an hour while we walked and that was it for the day, shockingly. We did dinner out at Bill Gray's (mmm...World's Greatest Cheeseburgers!) and finished with some Abbott's custard. My parents took off from there and Jacob fell asleep on our drive home around 7:30 and that was it for the night. He did wake up a few times--once around 11:30 and again at 4:30 and 5:30--but was reasonably good about getting back to sleep. He asked me at 4:30 if we could go to the arena--meaning for an Amerks or Knighthawks game--which was one version of the same basic question he asked me about 300 times this weekend. Brutal.

Despite getting a decent amount of sleep, the wake-ups must have impacted its quality because, as I mentioned, Jacob was pretty difficult yesterday. He did take a decent nap after church (he yelled again in church but was much better once we went into the family room), and in the afternoon we decided to take a trip to the zoo. It ended up raining on us but it wasn't too bad despite that. The animals were fairly active and we had fun aside from Jacob being difficult. Here's a picture that epitomizes it all--the cool ceiling feature in the sea lion/polar bear exhibit with Jacob struggling to get off Craig's shoulders and run.

We also got another silly picture of the stuffed polar bears. This time it involves Craig's hat and a big hug from Jacob. Cute stuff. The otter was sleeping and the rhinos were parked deeply in mud, but the polar bears were active, the monkeys were fun, and I got a great shot of the meerkats--finally one I may submit to their photo contest next year if it qualifies. We also got to see the tortoises and sturgeon eat. We skipped the elephants and baboons to give Craig's leg a break, and headed out just short of closing time. At least dinner was a success--homemade pizza usually is--and Craig managed to keep Jacob occupied while I fought sleep before it was even Jacob's bedtime. Ugh. Perhaps the exhaustion setting in didn't help my mood. But I swear, it was a pretty good weekend!

Significant Week

It occurred to me yesterday (and also a bit this morning) that the first week in August is a significant one for me. I could hardly believe it when I realized that ten years ago this week (really, last weekend) I moved into my first apartment in Rochester. Ten years ago this coming Sunday, I started my job with the Amerks. That is scary. I realized it as I was driving by the street that I used to turn on to get to my first apartment. I couldn't believe that it was 10 years ago that I was struggling through my first week there, with no cable, no phone, and no internet, trying to get settled while panicking about starting my first real job. That apartment was such a cute one--a large studio with my bed in one corner and the rest of the main room serving as a huge living room. I had a cute seafoam green bathroom and a big kitchen. By the time I moved out it also had a minor bug infestation, but alas...it was a cute place to spend my first year on my own. Even though I completely despised my job back then, I have fond memories of that time, mostly because I had this pleasant,simple, solitary existence. I went to work, worked out, came home to dinner I chose myself (oh, the days of cooking for one!), watched some TV, surfed the internet, and went to bed. It sounds boring, but I really did enjoy that time and my pleasant little routine. I'm sure it would have gotten old after a while, but for the time it lasted it was nice. Everything was so new and there was even an odd novelty associated with washing my own dishes and cooking my own dinners, things that are just short of drudgery now, at least some days.

The first week in August also marks nine years that Craig and I have been together. How time flies! Now we've been married for over seven years and have a two-year-old child to show for it as well. Nine or ten years is a long time...perhaps not in the grand scheme of things, but it's nearly a third of my life so at this point it's a pretty big chunk of time. I always marvel at how time goes so fast as we get older. Ten years when I was a kid was an eternity. The last ten years went by so quickly. For example, ten years ago I was fresh out of college. Ten years before that, I was going into seventh grade. I can tell you that the time it took to get from seventh grade to post-college seemed to take a heck of a lot longer than from post-college to now. All I can figure is that the earlier period involved so many internal changes (as well as external, but I think the internal ones are the key here) that the person that entered that period and the person that exited it were completely different people. Despite marriage, parenthood, and 10 years in the working world, I'm probably not that different of a person than I was when I got out of college. Things have changed externally, of course, but other than being a little more worn down by life, internally I don't think I'm too different. As a result, I relate better to my 21-year-old self now than my 21-year-old self did to my 11-year-old self ten years ago. My 21-year-old self may beg to differ, but that's how I see it from here. This is getting deep and twisted, eh?

I will admit that my current self has jealous moments when looking back at me 10 years ago. I know life wasn't all cherries and roses back then either, but I did have a lot of freedom to go where I pleased and do what I wanted when I wanted. But things definitely weren't all that exciting, and stress about work, my love live (or lack thereof), and my crappy salary couldn't have made life too fun sometimes. But the thought of all that time where I had no one to worry about but myself seems almost mythical now. I can't even imagine what I'd do with myself if given that opportunity these days. I'm sure I could fill up my list fast, but the mere thought of it is downright indulgent. Marriage and parenthood aren't easy, but they also fill up your life in so many ways--literally and figuratively. My schedule is fuller and my stress level is higher, but so is the quality of my life and the love I experience on a daily basis. It's not the easiest trade-off sometimes, but in the long run it's worth it.

It's amazing the difference that 10 years can make, no matter the phase of life you're in. Heck, 10 years from now, Jacob will be that same kid heading into seventh grade that I was 20 years ago. How crazy is that?!

Old McDonald's and Daycare Distress

You know how kids say the darndest things? Occassionally Jacob will say something adorable or funny, though it's usually such a fleeting moment that I don't remember it long enough to post it. Lately we've had an on-going funny thing, and yesterday it went to a whole new level.

Have I mentioned that Jacob likes to sing a lot? He can frequently be heard singing the alphabet song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Mary had a Little Lamb, The Farmer in the Dell, and Old MacDonald, among other things. He's also surprised me with spoken excerpts of Humpty Dumpty and Five Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed. Not all of it is clear or complete, of course, but the mere fact I can tell what he's saying and it's relatively close to the real thing never ceases to amaze me.

A few weeks back he was singing Old MacDonald a lot. And I guess it happened to correspond with a trip we took to McDonald's (definitely ironic since McDonald's seems a far cry from Old MacDonald and his farm--organic, these days, no doubt). Well, ever since he's been a little confused. Once in a while he'll say he wants to go to "Old MacDonald's". And yes, he's talking about McDonald's, because he usually goes on to reference the golf decor in our local McDonald's, which is located next door to a country club. We don't go to McDonald's a lot, but maybe once a month or so, enough for Jacob to know it fairly well. So he's clearly got Old MacDonald the farmer and McDonald's a little confused. It seemed harmless enough and not worth the explanation. Does it really matter that he might think McDonald's is run by that farmer guy who has the vocal cow, sheep, pig, and dog? Probably not.

Well, yesterday Craig had something to go to at the Ronald McDonald House. I don't quite know why, but he bought this sort of odd, stuffed Ronald McDonald for Jacob. Thankfully it wasn't that expensive, but I find it really quite creepy. Anyway...when Jacob saw it, he thought Ronald was "a baseball guy". I'm not sure where the baseball thing comes from, but he really does see the world through sports-colored glasses, so it probably wouldn't take much. Anyway, he's been happily carrying him around ever since. He even walked him down the hallway last night, which was really cute. But on our way to dinner last night, he kept asking to go to "Old McDonald's" to get a cheeseburger. So odd. The last couple times we were at McDonald's, Jacob barely ate his burger, so I'm hesitant to try it again no matter how much he asks. I guess advertising to kids works, though :) The whole thing is a little bizarre, but it's cute.

The only other thing going on right now is that we're a little stressed about Jacob's recent behavior. Not much has changed around us, actually, but he's gone downhill a bit at daycare. He usually gets a check mark next to "Cooperative" in the adjectives they pick from for how he's been that day. But lately he's been getting a few negative remarks on his daily sheet. Apparently he's been trying to bite kids and the other day he wasn't listening and even tried to wake up his friends at naptime. I don't know if this behavior is due to moving up to the next room, though not much has really changed because the two rooms get together a lot, so I'm not sure why that would trigger anything. The listening issues have been plaguing us a lot at home lately, but I was hopeful that he wouldn't start doing that at daycare because it's one thing for me to deal with it, let alone someone else who's dealing with a bunch of other kids who no doubt are slightly listening deficient as well. But if he doesn't want to do something, Jacob will completely ignore you. No amount of yelling or kneeling down for eye contact does any good. If he wasn't such a good talker (and repeater), I'd wonder if he had a hearing problem. But no, his problem is selective hearing. He just doesn't seem to understand urgency or anger in a voice or facial expression. I'm not sure if he's just being two or if he somehow missed out on something that teaches those social cues. He'll usually just smile and keep doing exactly what you just told him not to. I can't tell you how many times we've been in the middle of the grocery store and he'll be screaming (singing, usually) and he will not quiet down no matter how I try to convince him. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's incredibly frustrating and we're running out of solutions for discipline because nothing seems to impact him--yelling, spanking, gentle talking-to, etc. We're trying to at least be consistent and firm, but it's a battle. I feel bad that other people have to deal with that. I have no idea where the biting thing came from, though I have a suspicion that he's not actually trying to bite. I've noticed a couple times lately (and let it play out last night when he did it to me) that he'll basically just try to mouth my arm. He'll put his mouth on it like he's trying to bite it, but he doesn't actually bite. That's not to say he wouldn't, but based on what I've experienced, he hasn't. I have no idea why he'd want to do that, however, so I'm still rather perplexed about the behavior as a whole.

We know that a lot of his negative behavior mostly takes place around us. It's what kids do. I think the psychiatric explanation for it is that they're comfortable with their parents so they'll take liberties and test boundaries when they're with them because they're exploring their world and don't feel comfortable enough to risk it with other people. I get that, and that's fine. And maybe he's just gotten so comfortable with the folks at daycare that he's starting to act out there as well. I just don't know why he feels the need to do it, though. Attention? Maybe, but it's hard when he doesn't know the difference between positive and negative attention. I try to compliment him when he does something well (eating dinner, listening to me, generally being cooperative), but apparently that's not enough. It's just sad to see your child act out, because you don't know the cause behind it (Did you set them up to fail? Is there something bothering them?), and you feel bad for anyone impacted by it (yourself included). I just keep hoping it's the age and not some greater issue that he's anti-social or tortured by something. Ahh, just one more thing to ponder as a parent...awesome.

Bemoaning Sesame Street

Last night I turned on a DVR'ed episode of Sesame Street while Jacob and I played. I've been keeping a few episodes on the DVR as backup for times I need something for Jacob to watch. It doesn't happen often, but when he gets in his "Elmocize" rut or I can't take another minute of the MLB Network, it comes in handy. Of all the kids' programming out there, it's tough to argue with a classic. My tolerance for kids' TV isn't very high, so I guess it's a good thing I work all day and Jacob doesn't have the opportunity to watch the full slate of programming on Nick Jr. or the Disney Channel or any of the other stations out there. I'm sure there is redeeming programming on them, but most of it I can't stomach long enough to find out.

Before I had Jacob, I think I said that my child would be able to watch Sesame Street and Blue's Clues. For some reason Blue's Clues never bothered me. I've seen bits and pieces of other shows in the meantime. I can take small does of Wonder Pets, and Jacob really likes Chuggington when we happen to catch it. Yo Gabba Gabba intrigues me, but I can't get past the creepiness of DJ Lance or the character that looks like a big, red, one-eyed, bumpy penis. I think the one full episode I did see had some life lesson about not biting your friends, so perhaps we should be watching it because Jacob has been attempting to do that lately. No idea why. Anyway, I also can't argue with classics like Clifford the Big Red Dog or Curious George, but beyond that I start getting concerned. It's hard to tell what is utter crap, and what will actually teach him something.

I don't think I can ever count Sesame Street out because I literally grew up on that program and learned a lot from it. I could have watched Sesame Street and Reading Rainbow all day, every day, for much longer than was age appropriate. And yes, I get that Sesame Street has had to change a bit over the years. Kids have gotten savvier and the old school shorts with primitive animation and grainy film footage probably wouldn't do it in this age of HDTV and fancy computer graphics everywhere they look. And of course, some of the characters have aged or left, and some (ummm, Elmo) have become increasingly popular over the years. I understand that they have to work around those changes and still keep a solid program that will hold kids' attention and continue to teach them at whatever level they're at. But right now, I can't say I love the show.

Until last fall, I hadn't really seen it much in the past, oh, 15 years at least. And apparently when the current season started, they changed things up significantly. The show now has four main segments--a live action segment to start, a CGI segement called "Abby's Flying Fairy School", starring newer character Abby Cadabby, "Murray had a Little Lamb", starring a new monster named Murray (who also sort of hosts the show in between segments), where Murray and his Hispanic lamb friend visit different schools with human children, and finally "Elmo's World", a half puppet/half animated segment starring Elmo. Some of these segments do have little things interspersed that are much like the shorts from years past, but it's just not the same. I find the segments far too long, for example. If it's not holding my attention, what does that say for the short-attention-spanned child who should be watching? The beauty of the old format was that everything was short, sweet and generally catchy. Short bit of live action, a series of shorts, more live action, etc. There was far more attention given to the letter and number of the day, which are really just covered in single segments now, and those themes were carried on often throughout the show. Now there's a word of the day that comes up quite a bit, but I just don't think it has the same impact for really little kids. I learned how to count and learned my letters, and now I guess kids already know that stuff early on so they're focusing more on complete storylines and quirky jokes that adults might appreciate more than the kids. It's rare to see characters other than Elmo, Abby, Rosita, Baby Bear, Telly, and maybe Grover (often in Super Grover form). I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've seen Oscar, Big Bird, Snuffy, and the Count combined. Even Bert and Ernie aren't nearly as prominent as they used to be. Half the time they use a CGI version of them. It's just weird.

And truly, other than a couple of particularly interesting storylines (Mr. Hooper dying, Luis & Maria getting married, and everyone finally realizing that Snuffy wasn't just Big Bird's imaginary friend), the stuff I remember most was the shorts. Perhaps it was repetition, perhaps it was the catchy music and eye-catching graphics. But some of them were downright fascinating. I liked seeing how crayons were made, or watching a girl walk her llama down the streets of New York to the dentist, or watching a tiny red ball speed along a metal track. I liked the pinball machine that counted (1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...11, 12...doo doo doo doo doo) and the creepy guy who painted numbers on random things like slices of bread and office doors. I loved Teeny Little Superguy and the baker who always fell down the stairs. I liked that stuff so much that I remember it all these years later. My freshman year of college, my roommate Mary and I were up until about 2am one night just recalling our favorites. And thanks to technology, we can relive them now thanks to YouTube.

I'm not an education expert, and I'm sure there are many that have contributed to the changes in Sesame Street's format, so I'm probably wrong here. But it's just not the same show that had me riveted from the time I could watch TV. The segments are too long, not exciting or eye-catching, and with the same four segments each show, there's just not enough variety. I feel bad for all the monsters who no longer get their screen time. Bummer...for them and for us. Hopefully someday they'll see the error of their ways and not only go back to the old format, but redo some of the old classics to make them modern! I can dream...

World Breastfeeding Week--Jumping on the Bandwagon

Did you know that it's World Breastfeeding Week? I had never heard of it before, but I suppose I'm reading a lot more Mom blogs than I did a year ago. It's come up on a couple, and I figured I'd post on it today for lack of anything better to write about. Reading the other blogs got me thinking, so I might as well.

Ahhh, breastfeeding. I certainly had a love-hate relationship with it for a good portion of the 14 months that I did it. It was so hard in the beginning but was pretty easy by the end. I hated pumping every day at work, but loved the savings from not having to buy (much) formula. I hated the stress I sometimes put on myself when Jacob wasn't feeding well or I wasn't pumping enough, but I'm not sure it would have been much better with formula because I'm sure there are plenty of formula issues that I never even had to deal with (or not a lot, anyway). As much as the whole dairy sensitivity thing may have been an issue, I liked knowing that breastmilk was good for Jacob. I hated standing in the grocery store aisle staring down the formula options and wondering how a switch might impact Jacob's digestive system. I both loved and hated being Jacob's main source of nourishment. It was rewarding, but it was also exhausting. The bonding time was nice and whipping out a boob was so easy most of the time (like, at 3am), but there were times when all I wanted to do was sleep and Jacob was hungry. I'm also not sure I ever got truly comfortable with breastfeeding on the go. I mean, yes, I would do it at people's houses and anywhere where it was easy enough to get comfortable, but I never really mastered going out and finding strategic nursing places at the right times. As a result, sometimes breastfeeding felt limiting, because even if I could whip up a formula bottle when we were on the go, my boobs would fill up and I'd either have to feed or pump. I remember a number of close calls where my chest hurt to touch because I was late on my usual schedule. Moments like that sucked.

When Jacob was winding down, I really thought I would miss breastfeeding. And there were probably moments where I felt like something was missing once we were done, but I'm not sure I would have ever connected it to breastfeeding. Because once we were done, I really didn't miss it that much. I liked the freedom to eat and drink what I wanted, I liked not being a prisoner to my chest, I liked not lugging that pump to and from work and cleaning all of the parts each night. I liked opening the fridge and pouring Jacob a glass of milk. Perhaps I had earned the right to enjoy all of those things after 14 months of hard work. It's funny thinking about breastfeeding nowadays as I look at Jacob, because it's hard to believe that even a year ago he was small enough or still enough to nurse! He's such a big boy now compared to that sweet little baby!

But in the end I guess the whole experience was a positive. After about the 3-6 month point I was saying that I would absolutely do it again next time. And as long as baby #2 is willing, ready and able, I will. But over the past year I've developed a fear that I won't be as diligent about it. What if I like having my body to myself or hate pumping again or just can't be held hostage by my chest because I have two kids to deal with? It scares me that I won't want to do it as long and that baby #2 won't get the benefits that Jacob did. Everyone seems to get a little more lax with their second child, but this really isn't a spot where I'd want to ease up. There are so many good reasons to do it, and I don't want laziness or general convenience to get in the way of the benefits of a little hard work.

I've read numerous blog postings about breastfeeding in the past few months, and they always trigger a massive debate. For some reason few people are willing to admit it's a gray area. There isn't really one right way for everyone. Some women try and can't, some women don't care to try at all, some women think it should be the only way to feed your child (hi, Gisele Bundchen). I am definitely in the camp of "give it a good, solid try, and if after an honest effort it doesn't work, it's ok." I wanted to give up a lot of times early on, but I'm glad I stuck with it. I'm not sure a lot of other women would have. But I never had mastitis or more than one blocked duct, nor did Jacob have trouble latching on correctly. Had I encountered some of those issues, I'm not sure I would have made it. And it worries me for next time, for sure. Every woman and every experience is different. I'd hate to get my hopes up and assume that I'll have no problem next time, only to have a problem and be forced into formula early. It would certainly be a letdown. But I don't want guilt to drive me nuts, either. If it doesn't work and it's just making me crazy, it's probably not a good thing for any of us and maybe it's better to raise the white flag and move on. In the event that happens, let's hope I'm sane and logical enough at that point to realize it.

If all goes well, I do hope to do some things differently now that I've survived one round. Hopefully next time we'll have less baby stuff to buy and shelling out a few bucks for a good nursing cover won't be an issue. It was one thing whipping out a boob in my own living room before, but with Jacob running around, it may not be ideal. And depending on where I would sit to do it in our new living room, anyone venturing onto our porch might get an eyeful. Having a nice cover might make me a little more willing to do it more outside of the house, as well. I will also work on pumping more. I found scheduling pumping to be very awkward before (do it too soon after a feeding and you're empty, too close to a feeding and you won't have enough left for the baby), and I didn't start pumping until I needed practice right before I went back to work. Next time I'd like to start pumping right away and fill my freezer (which is now far larger) with milk so I don't have to start with formula right away when I go back to work and can't pump enough for a full day. It'll run out eventually, but it would be nice to have a good supply up and running right away. I still may not figure out the pumping schedule (hard enough when it feels like you're nursing 24/7 already), but I can try now that I'm more used to the experience as a whole. Oh, and pumping will enable me to do one more thing--have Craig get up for a night feeding once in a while after I go back to work. I haven't mentioned that to him yet--obviously since #2 hasn't even been conceived, nor are we trying yet, it's not exactly a prime topic--but I think it's only fair. I never did that the first time around, and have read about it more and more since. And yeah, kicking myself that I didn't think of it then. There's no reason I need to be the only one getting up each night when we both have busy schedules the next day, but I was a glutton for punishment and couldn't see any other solution back then. Now I know. Maternity leave is one thing--I would have the opportunity to possibly nap during the day, he wouldn't--so I would do it all then. But once I'm back to work, there's no reason I should torture myself. We could at least alternate, and I think that's fair. I also think I'll be a little more active while nursing, like sitting at the computer or even trying out a sling and walking around a bit. That scares me a little, but it's crossed my mind.

As a whole, breastfeeding wasn't the easiest experience. In fact, the first couple months were probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm hoping I don't wimp out next time around under the strain of having a new baby and a preschooler amidst all the pain and sleep deprivation that drove me nuts before. But sticking it out is worth it for so many reasons, and I hope I get the chance to enjoy it again next time.

Another busy weekend...

These summer weekends (and weeks) keep slipping away, and here we are in August. I know this month is going to fly by, and all of a sudden it's going to be September and fall will be upon us again. Ugh. I like fall, but I don't like that it's the one thing standing between lovely summer weather and cold winter weather. Blah. September isn't a bad month, mind you, but it certainly sets the stage. So, we'll have to enjoy August while we can. We have a lot to pack into this month, that's for sure.

Saturday was a family reunion on my mom's side (#2 of 4 potential reunions this summer, in case you're counting--three on my side, one on Craig's), and we headed into N.T. (or actually, Wheatfield) for the day. Oh, before we left I spent an hour or so gingerly walking around our still-green pool, trying to vacuum up algae. Lovely. The picnic was a pretty low key one, as there aren't many local kids in the family and only two (Jacob and one other) were there. It was held at a park I hadn't been to in years, Fairmount Park, which hosted many a field day when I was in grade school. Once a year in early June we headed there as a school to compete against other Lutheran schools in track & field events--running races, sack races, long jump, ball throw, etc. I won all of one ribbon in all my years, a first place win in the sack race in fourth grade. That was some sort of miracle. As a result of my usual performance, the highlight of the day (besides being out of school in nice weather) was playing on the playground after lunch. Fairmount Park had a cool playground unlike any other. It was older and had some really unique equipment. The only one I can remember right now was a set of tricycles that had a center pivot point and were on a track of some sort. Not particularly exciting, but different and therefore cool. It was tough to get on the stuff you wanted to play on, though, since you were using the same playground as hundreds of other kids. As a result, one time when I was probably 12 or so, my cousin and I rode our bikes there so we could enjoy it ourselves. It was a long bike ride on a busy road with no sidewalks, so we got a bit of a talking-to when we got back. But it was worth it! :) The other thing of note about the playground is that it was set among a number of old graves. Yep, it was creepy then and is still creepy now. The graves are mostly from around 1900, and apparently the land was used as a cemetery. I have no idea how many unmarked graves there are around there, but the ones that do have markers are roped off. Most of the engraving on them is quite worn, but it's a sobering juxtaposition to have a cool playground set among graves, including one of a 15 day old baby whose 19-year-old mother died a day after childbirth. Interestingly, I ended up doing a geocache with my mom while we were there that used dates from the headstones to give you clues to the cache. I know it all sounds a little creepy, and it is, but I was looking forward to seeing the playground again now that I have a child who can play on it.

The playground has changed a bit, but there were still a handful of things that made it different than most playgrounds you come across these days. There were a few of the animals that you sit on and bounce, including a rabbit, snail, and squirrel, plus this cross between that and a see-saw--this one with horses on each end. Jacob liked bouncing!

There was also a cool merry-go-round with four horses that spun on human power, which Jacob couldn't get enough of. He kept trying to switch horses (often while it was still moving--ugh) and liked getting dizzy as it spun!

In the background of the picture above, you can see a blue dinosaur that was made for climbing, and a strange wooden contraption that was actually a standing teeter totter. Jacob and I went on it with us on one side and my dad on the other. My dad had to move around the bar that you're supposed to hold on to in order to shift the weight enough for us to move up and down, (ahhh, physics), but we had a lot of fun once we got going. Jacob really enjoyed it! (Pardon the misplaced hair...must have flopped funny as we dropped one time! Too bad, because this was almost a perfect picture!)

We had a pretty fun day despite the weather being a bit cool and cloudy, and despite Jacob only napping for a half hour on the way there and not wanting to eat much of substance or sit still for more than a couple minutes. He was constantly running off to play lacrosse (there were little lacrosse-sized soccer nets not far away), baseball (my parents brought a whiffle bat and ball), or visit the playground for the hundredth time. It was tiring, particularly considering I had to drive both ways and am fighting off allergies and a cough from the same virus Jacob has had for the last week. But we ate pretty well and had a nice time visiting with family, particularly my Aunt Sue and cousin Kristi who had flown in from Wisconsin.

Sunday we had a heck of a time with Jacob at church for the first time in a while. We started the service in church, then moved to the separate family room in the back of the church. Jacob wouldn't sit still, wouldn't be quiet, and eventually was screaming so much that Craig had to take him out of the family area into the lobby. No idea why, either, since he'd had a good night's sleep and we actually made it to the early service which is generally better for his schedule. So frustrating. After church we got through lunch and nap, and got Jacob up in time to head off to a celebrity hockey game being held as a fundraiser for Craig Charron's fight against stomach cancer. It was truly amazing to see thousands of people streaming in, to look on the ice and see such an awesome group of players, and feel the love and support in that place. There were bonafide NHLers there, former teammates, Sabres and Amerks alumni, and even some local guys and other minor leaguers that never played with Sharky but wanted to help out. There were even some non-playing celebrities, including Sharky's uncle, Jim Craig (yep, the goalie from the Miracle on Ice team) and Mike Eruzione (the captain of the Miracle on Ice team and game winning goal scorer in the famous game vs. the Soviets), and Rick Martin, my mom's favorite Buffalo Sabre back in the days when my parents had season tickets. Obviously Jacob didn't understand the significance of the guys on the ice, but he loved seeing hockey again. He pretty much wanted to get right down and play ("Big stick now, Daddy!") and was apparently fascinated by the crate of pucks in the locker room when Craig took him in there ("I shoot black pucks!"). As common as its become to be in the presence of pro hockey players, I'll admit it was a thrill to be in the hallway as Jim Craig and Mike Eruzione walked through. They're more than just hockey players--they made history!

Following the game there was a reception for everyone involved, and we had originally set up Lori to babysit Jacob. Well, she got sick during the afternoon, so she was out. As a last effort to give us both the chance to go and catch up with old friends, I put out a request via my Facebook status. Any by some miracle, we found someone! Friends of ours that are Knighthawks superfans and have a nearly 4 year old son offered to help us out. She met me at home and off I went to meet Craig at the restaurant. Jacob was apparently fine until bedtime, but freaked out for quite a while once she tried to put him in bed. In the end, she ended up leaving him in his hockey shirt that he wore to the game and let him sleep with two of his hockey sticks. Not sure if it was our absence, her presence, or his quirkiness (or all of the above) that caused the meltdown, but about two minutes after she texted me asking for suggestions, he dropped off without a sound. Still, I felt bad about putting her (and him) through that.

However, we had a fabulous time out. We caught up with some former Amerks, chatted with some former work associates, and even had a nice conversation with Mike Eruzione! Craig also got a puck signed later on. Not gonna lie, it was all pretty cool. It's still too bad that all this fun we've been having has been at events to raise money for our friend who has a seriously bad form of cancer, but right now his body is responding well to treatment and it's been amazing to see all the support he's getting and (re)connect with members of the hockey community. Oh, and did I mention that they had this amazing made-to-order pasta station with lots of veggies and three kinds of sauces? Mmmm...that just topped it all off.

So, yet another busy weekend. This coming weekend we'll be staying at home and welcoming my parents into town for a visit to the Park Ave. Festival here in Rochester. It's a fun and slightly eclectic festival in one of the trendier areas of town, with crafters, food, and all sorts of other vendors. Great people watching! We went with my parents and a not-even-two-month-old Jacob two years ago, and couldn't go last year because we spent that weekend in Buffalo, I believe when John, Kristin & Kate were in town. It should be fun to go again this year. I keep hoping our pool will be back to normal by then, but I'm pretty much losing hope that it'll ever be normal again. No amount of chemicals seem to do the trick. Summer is short enough around here without being banned from our pool for a few weeks like this. It's going to be another hot week and swimming sounds lovely. Perhaps sitting on the patio will have to do...