Christmas, Then and Now

There really were few better things as a kid than Christmas.  There was so much to love.  A few examples:

I loved when the decorations came out, and I was an eager tree decorator.  I was thinking the other day about the real trees we had as a kid.  I don't think I remember going to get a tree--and if I do it wasn't at the cute, photo op farms you see now.  We maybe went to a corner lot somewhere, but I really don't know.  I remember a lot of needles and needing to water it and my annoyance with how flimsy the branches were when I tried to hang heavy ornaments.  Imagine my delight when we finally got our fake tree and the branches were sturdy!  But I always loved our assortment of ornaments, especially my own and any fancy ones, and it was like a treasure hunt unearthing them from the box each year.

I loved catching a Christmas TV special (Christmas Eve on Sesame Street and Emmet Otter were the gold standard for me!), doing Christmas crafts at school (especially a super secret gift for my parents!), and preparing for Christmas programs.  Although, spending a couple Saturday mornings at church practicing for the Sunday School Christmas Eve one was not my favorite, but oh, the year I played Mary it was a new level of adrenaline to finish that performance and realize I did it!  But most years, getting a big piece of Platters chocolate after that service was a highlight.  Christmas services were always beautiful and our church's giant tree was always a treat to see.  Our class secret Santa always stressed me out, but I loved the festivities otherwise, and the anticipation of Christmas break was always so exciting!

Christmas cookies were always the best--the more kinds the better!  Bonus points if there were holiday M&Ms included, and cutouts were a must!  I still use my mom's recipe with gluten-free flour.  I loved fancy Christmas Eve food (read: pepperoni, cheese, and shrimp) at my uncle's or my grandma's, our Christmas day dinner, and the amazing smorgasboard at my grandparents' that night.

I always loved seeing Christmas lights, and my favorite was going to the Festival of Lights in Niagara Falls.  It was always cold and snowy, but the lights and displays were fun, and it was a relief to get into the toasty warm Wintergarden building to wander among the plants.  From there we'd walk into the Rainbow Mall and I'd marvel at the glass elevator and fountains that shot super high.  I did not, however, like seeing Santa, so other than a vague traumatic memory of one such visit, that was not a part of my childhood Christmases!

The one downside as a kid was all the "stress" of waiting for the big day to arrive and wondering what gifts I might be getting.  December used to feel like it took forever!  I'd go through my Advent calendars and paper chains day by day, feeling like the holiday was taking forever to arrive.  I would make my list from the thick JC Penney catalog, very optimistically, of course!  By the time Christmas Eve arrived, I was so excited just thinking about what might be waiting for me the next morning!  Back in the day, the full-time Christmas music on the radio didn't start until Christmas Eve (it was peppered in among regular radio up until then), so it was always fun when that day arrived and we could listen to it all day long.  Once we got through the Christmas Eve services and whatever family time we had on my mom's side after that, I was so excited that I could barely sleep.  That was a struggle, not just because I didn't want to prevent Santa from arriving but because I would go to sleep late and wake up extra early, leaving myself down on rest at a time where a strong immune system was important.  That would also happen at a very indulgent food time, so there were many years where I got some "digestive pyrotechnics" during the holiday, which was unfortunate.  It never fully ruined the day, but made a couple mornings challenging, ruined a late evening, and once prevented me from going to do gifts on my mom's side the next day.  So that was probably the hardest part of the holiday for me.  But there were few things better than getting my Christmas morning gifts and then knowing that if there was a big gift I had to have and didn't get it in the morning, that it could be coming from my grandparents later.  And sitting with my cousins on the floor at my grandparents was always peak excitement (and chaos!).

But then, as a kid, once the gifts were over, the Christmas blues set in.  When the presents were done and the adrenaline rush subsided, it was always a bummer despite all the good things I had just gotten.  I think that's just a kid's nature--It wasn't that I was ungrateful, but rather I think the anticipation was so huge and all the things I listed above were just so fun that it was inevitably going to be a little sad when it was over. Eventually the toys I got were a suitable consolation prize, but I think the build-up as a kid was always so intense that the downshift was always more difficult. 

I realized the other day that Christmas as an adult hits different, in different ways than I've really pondered before.  I've always focused on the physical differences, which are more obvious.  Our celebrations and traditions have evolved as our extended families have changed.  I'm the mom so I have a to-do list a mile long.  I'm responsible for the decorating and the baking and gift buying, rather than being the kid beneficiary of it all.  I'm more the observer than the participant when it comes to the few Christmas activities we do.  But I guess I didn't think as much about the mental and emotional changes--about how all of the decorations hold so much nostalgia, or what a relief it is to be done with the endless to do list when the holiday is over, or how my post-Christmas blues are now tied into watching the lights and decorations disappear, signaling the start of the deepest, hardest part of winter. 

Christmas has so many memories at this point, and every ornament or decoration is a reminder of years past.  Ornaments from my grandma and mom, crafts my mom made, items from my grandmas' houses, cute kid ornaments, early-relationship gifts from Craig, or things from other family members...so many memories are tied up in our decorations.  Once the fun family gatherings are over and it's time to pack it all back away, part of me is relieved to be done, and part of me is sad that my day-to-day life loses its extra "glitter" and I don't have the same level of happy memory reminders (or memory-making opportunities) at every turn.  January is always so dreary and cold, so watching the lights and decorations disappear always makes it even more stark and bland.  Unlike my childhood, now the day after Christmas is usually filled with an exhale of gratefulness and relief, but the loss of the glowing lights and fun decorations over the week or two that follows now hits me a lot harder.  It's a long haul from early January until the days get brighter and warmer and nature adds some color back into the world.   

I think another part of it is also that at this age, I worry that by the time another year has passed, next Christmas could look a lot different than this one.  COVID made that fear even more real, because in some cases we've gone three years since some of our traditions have happened normally.  We've only lost a select few family members, so I know it's only going to get more complicated in the years to come as more pass.  We miss grandparents, aunts and uncles we've lost when we go to extended family gatherings, but I feel like we both have so many other amazing family members to see that it's easier to get wrapped up in the people that are there and just let the loss be a mere bittersweet moment in the midst of making some new memories.  I feel fortunate to have as much time as we've had with our parents, especially as I watch more friends lose theirs, but they have always been so deeply tied to our holidays that losing them will undoubtedly change the holiday forever.  It just makes me want to savor it as much as I can, and sadly COVID has made it extra challenging the last three years.

This roller coaster ride of the holidays is so much more dynamic than it was as a kid.  Even as an adult it has continued to evolve.  I can hardly believe we're almost out of the toy era completely.  Seems like yesterday we were picking out the couple things we wanted to spoil baby Jacob with, and now he's this giant kid.  Even Carter went from this little toddler to being on the cusp of the post-Santa years (not quite yet, it appears, but his classmates skepticism is getting to him, I think).  It's all still magical in its own way, but man, did it ever go fast.  I just didn't expect to exit the peak Christmas phase so quickly, because it felt like it lasted forever as a kid.  I think it didn't help that the last three Christmases have been out of the norm and both boys went from kids to big kids in that time.  I definitely miss the extra fun years when Santa felt magical and the toys were exciting (and actually got played with).  If Christmas felt fun for me right up through college, I think we still have a lot of good years left, but the passage of time is so undeniably clear to me right now.  I'm grateful for each year and all the phases, though I may miss some more than others.  

So, as we enter the week before Christmas, I'm strapping in for this year's ride.  We have a busy week and quite a bit left to get done.  I have a lot of work, a little bit of shopping, all of my wrapping, and probably some baking to cram in before Saturday night.I'm hoping for good health for everyone and a nice, normal, pre-COVID-style Christmas.  This year, that may be the only gift I need.