My Boy

As I mentioned in my last post, it was 10 years ago this week that we found out Carter was a boy.  Reading the post from that day was a little hard.  I mean, on one hand, I know why I was sad.  Sometimes I still have moments where I am.  On the other, I felt a little bad being anything but thrilled about the kid that turned out to be Carter, because he's such a joy to me now.  

I know there's probably a ton of reasons why God didn't give me a girl, and in many ways He gave me the best possible boy He could have.  I really only get sad when I think about how it's weird if sons are too close to their mom when they get married, so either this special relationship will change for the worse eventually, or I will turn into one of those weird mothers-in-law who runs the risk of inadvertently interfering in his romantic relationships.  With a daughter, that relationship never really has to get awkward, so there is a part of me that will always mourn that thing I will never have.  I value my relationship with my own mom, and it's a little sad I won't be able to have that same thing as I age, unless I end up with an amazing daughter-in-law, which I can only hope and pray for.

But realistically I know I didn't really have the patience or the mindset for a daughter anyway.  I had a lot of insecurities as a teenager and I fear I would have passed those on to her.  I wouldn't really want to have to deal with periods or girl wardrobes, or even the fussiness of girl toys.  Endless Barbie stuff might almost be worse than Legos!  At least I know how to play with dolls better, I suppose, but as I've said before, I definitely didn't feel like I was missing out when looking around at all the princess-obsessed girls at Disney.  I'm not a girly-girl and I wouldn't have been good with hair or makeup.  Also, selfishly, I know if we had a girl there would be more gender-based divide-and-conquer happening (and we already have a lot because of basketball), and I don't mind being able to shop or watch TV alone and have some me-time when the boys are doing a boy thing.  I think everything really did turn out the way it needed to for a million practical reasons, but it's still a bittersweet thing sometimes.

My cube mate at work had her 20-week scan this week, coincidentally on the 10-year anniversary of the day we did our gender scan.  She's already known for a while that she's having a girl and that was their preference.  It definitely brought back memories of my own scan and all those emotions as you're watching for body parts and hoping for normal, healthy results.  I know I struggled a bit in our scan once the gender was revealed, but it's true that a healthy baby is more important than anything else and ultimately that got me through.  And like I said, Carter really was the right fit for our family--don't ask Jacob that, mind you--and I don't think I'd want to change anything because I'd be missing out on something so special with Carter.  It's really been on my mind lately how cool it is that Carter and I have the bond we do.  It's not something I ever really had with Jacob, so Carter's and my evolution is really precious to me, especially now that I know how quickly these tween years go and how fleeting this experience will likely be.  

It wasn't always this way, of course.  I said early on that Carter saved me as a mom, because as bad as things got with Jacob around the time Carter was born, Carter was proof that I was doing something right.  He was the sweetest, happiest baby and I was so at peace when I was home on maternity leave with him.  Even though early motherhood with Jacob was rewarding, my maternity leave felt exhausting and isolating a lot of the time.  Some of it might have been new parent jitters, our hot house, and Jacob's complete inability to nap, but there was just something different about that time with Carter and he continued to be a joy for so many years.  It was perspective I badly needed to know what parenthood was supposed to be like--it wasn't always supposed to be hard.  He helped me understand what kid issues were normal vs. which ones were over the top, which helped me better verbalize what about Jacob had been harder than it should have been when we finally went through therapy.  Things stayed pretty tolerable as a whole until Carter hit about five.  It was right around then when it became apparent that any sort of formal learning, like reading or writing, was going to challenge him, and his behavior started going down the tubes as he fought that.  The hugs and "I love yous" started to fade, and we ended up having a few really rough years.  The pandemic only made it worse, as easier access to screens scrambled his brain even worse and isolated our little extrovert to the point that home life was almost harder with him than it was with Jacob, and that's saying a lot.  Being both parent and teacher didn't work for us, and the constant screen battles made it worse.  I truly think his ADHD was made worse by the frequent screen stimulation, and everything that wasn't a screen became intolerably boring, be it toys or activities outside the house that didn't involve a playground or running full speed.  His medicine finally took the edge off at the end of second grade, and things got better from there. But we still had some relationship rebuilding to do because a lot of damage had been done.  He needed to know he was loved beyond all of the yelling and correcting and disciplining, so quality time that likely wouldn't involve that stuff was much needed.

Carter and I have long done little adventures because Craig is more often with Jacob doing sports.  A lot of those were playgrounds since they were a favorite of his, and luckily the lacrosse era provided a lot of playgrounds on site at games.  That sort of started that habit, but the pandemic solidified our routines a bit more.  I wanted to get him out of the house and away from screens, and most of the time I knew that a playground would grease the wheels a bit.  Whether it was running errands or doing a nature walk, if I could work in a playground, that would help get him on board.  He used to be hesitant whenever I'd bring up an adventure, but he gradually learned he had fun and we built up some trust, and it took off from there.  I know the playground era won't last much longer now because he's getting older and bigger, so I'm going all out getting him to as many as I can while it lasts.  

Then there's the thrill ride end of things, which is gradually becoming the next era of our adventures.  When Carter was three, we learned that he liked crazy rides.  That could only be my domain to pursue further with him, and we've indulged it where we could ever since.  Of course, my tolerance for those same rides has gone down quite a bit over that time, but we do what we can.  As he's gotten taller, the potential of wilder fun has expanded, and next summer is poised to be a big one--we're already plotting a summer-ending trip to Cedar Point once Ohio schools are back in session, possibly with a side trip to Waldameer Park in Erie, where they're opening a new water coaster (which he's excited about because neither of us has ever done one, so we'll experience it together).  He's so excited, and it's sweet how he always mentions the rides and coasters as "our thing".  Disney really solidified that because of how every park day turned into just him and me riding rides long after Craig and Jacob had gone back to the resort.  But Darien Lake is only going to strengthen that further, and I will do what I can to indulge it.  Since his playground time (and his general tolerance of hanging out with mom) might be limited by his age and size, thrill rides are likely the future of our special bond.  I might start being more limited by motion sickness, so I will do whatever I can to accomplish as much as possible before that's more of an issue.  One way or another, I know time is working against us, and if the pandemic taught us anything, it's that we need to live in the moment when we can, so I'd say my normal resistance to "overindulging" an interest like this has been essentially shelved.  I'm all in.

When I had boys, I'm sure I hoped for one of those sweet mother-son relationships that people often talk about, but I don't think I realistically ever thought it would happen--and after Jacob, I was probably sure of it.  Jacob was a sweet enough baby and toddler at times--he was a good couch napper for quite a few years and gave some hugs once in a while.  But by older toddlerhood, the mischief and energy took over, and it's been hard to get a hug or "I love you" pretty much ever since.  We had a couple phases where he liked reading together in bed or something like that, but I'm not sure he's solicited a hug from me since Carter was born.  For a while I think I assumed that was just how it went, that boys grow out of that stuff sooner and I shouldn't expect it.  Add in Jacob's annoyance with Carter (and my direct role in his existence), and I didn't have a shot at getting that kind of a relationship with him.  But as I've eased Carter back into being my buddy again, I've realized that those signs of affection can last a little longer.  I'm so lucky I still get hugs and a few pecks on the cheek, and he still likes a good snuggle at night.  He even reaches for my hand still sometimes when we're walking, and it's bittersweet every time because I know that public display in particular is not going to last much longer.  I don't know how much the rest of the stuff in private will last, but I hope the hugs and especially the bond last a very long time.

The other day I flipped through pictures from the last couple years trying to pinpoint exactly when Jacob "grew up".  When did he stop looking like a little boy and start looking like a young man?  Ironically, it happened probably more in front of my eyes than it would have otherwise due to the pandemic.  I pinpointed somewhere after his 13th birthday but before last Christmas, possibly even by the end of that summer.  His face still looked young-ish for his birthday, but by Christmas something was changing.  I know that Carter is on the verge of when Jacob really started outgrowing the little kid era--when he exited that somewhat awkward kid phase and started growing into his features and looking "cooler"--he was around 10, and while Carter has always skewed toward looking and acting a little younger, I know it's not far off.  And once that happens, I know we have a few more years, and that's it.  He'll be a teenager and I will probably be uncool again among both of my kids.  I hope not--I feel like all of this time I'm investing in Carter will hopefully give him the support he needs to know how much he's loved and always sort of come back to "home base" at the end of the day, no matter how annoyed he is with me.  I know Jacob doesn't see me that way--maybe Craig, but definitely not me--but I'm pretty sure Carter has an affection for me that I don't see him have with Craig, even if they're still good buddies.  I am not taking that for granted and I want to solidify that as much as I can while I still can, so that we have some good reserves down the road when we need it.

I never really knew what it was like to have this kind of common interest bond with one of my kids.  I have loved my kids with my entire being, and there have definitely been "fun" times, but this sort of bond is just above and beyond anything else I have experienced with either of them.  I always tried to bond with Jacob with all the sports--after all, being a hockey fan was central to my entire life path--but I think it never quite worked as expected because he has always been so laser-focused that I could never begin to match his intensity.  I wanted to have fun, but for him it was serious business to watch and study.  I feel like I tried to engage him in other different ways over the years, but it's always been that if it's not specifically on his agenda, forget it.  Carter was often quite resistant as well, but I guess he was just a little less stubborn and a bit more willing to explore, so while it still took effort to get him into the idea of our adventures, eventually I was able to win him over to be willing to check things out and give me the benefit of the doubt even when he wasn't convinced.  And now, the way this whole playground-to-thrill-ride thing has happened has revealed such a joyful, special bond that really seems to speak to Carter in a different way than anything else.  You can tell he just feels so loved and that he loves having that bond to share with someone else.  It's such a sweet, pure thing and I will do all I can to keep it going.

He's off school next Friday and was excited to hear I had taken off to spend the day with him.  He immediately started thinking about what we could do with our time, and I'm hoping the weather works out so we can make it happen.  I'm a little worried about how we'll keep this going over the winter when amusement parks are closed and playground metal is too cold and mama's tolerance for winter is iffy, but I know we'll do what we can.  And if nothing else, he's already telling me how excited he is for next summer.  And honestly, I am too!  I love these adventures with my little buddy and I can't imagine it any other way.  He gets me excited for the next thing we'll do, and God knows I need that right now.  I'm just so grateful for what we have and can't wait to see where it will go.