On Living in Fear

Any time you view the comments on a news site's posts about the pandemic, you will see people accusing mask wearers and vaccine advocates of "living in fear".  Never mind science, never mind practicality, never mind caring for others.  But I suppose when it comes down to it, many of our decisions related to the pandemic have to be tied to a certain degree of fear.  However, a certain amount of fear is usually considered helpful--it's one of those evolutionary traits that keeps us alive, right?  But I'd argue we're living through fear, not just in it.

I'll start out by saying this can be a tricky thing for me because I know I suffer from a degree of anxiety.  Nothing diagnosed, mind you, but I know it's there.  I wrangle with irrational thoughts and worries over a lot of things, running through scenarios and having random fears that I'm sure would qualify for a diagnosis, based on what I've read.  I had anxieties as a kid that impacted certain behaviors--avoiding certain social situations, nearly-compulsive fervent prayers about basic stuff, fear of solo or speaking parts in a performance--and while I think I managed a lot of that as an adult (TV host gig, anyone?), in the past few years things have gotten worse.  Parenthood triggered some, but I think a lot of it started to worsen after some sudden deaths in the family were stark reminders that life is not in my control and things can change in a moment.  It ebbs and flows now, with things like my car accident or a possible health ailment ramping it up for a while, then slowly fading again when the worst of the threat has passed.  But I think the pandemic has put it in a state of low-key omnipresence, since almost everything was a worry for a while and it's just become a way of life.  It's not just pandemic-related stuff now, though.  For example, since my car accident months ago, it still makes me think twice about taking an unnecessary trip on expressways or anywhere longer than a quick trip.  Like, what if something happens, or how dumb would I feel if someone died for something this frivolous?  Or even going to Darien Lake had its moments, like what if Carter gets hurt on a ride or has an incident at the water park?  A lot of it for me is working through odds.  For example, I've driven the same stretch of highway thousands of times, so even if all three of my accidents have happened there, how many other times have I driven it safely, which makes the chances of a problem seem like a tiny blip.  Or thousands of people ride amusement park rides without incident every single day, so the odds of something happening--especially when we're good about following rules--are slim.  Mind you, it didn't help that on the day after Darien I heard that a woman got seriously injured by a piece of metal flying off the fastest coaster at Cedar Point a couple days earlier.  It sadly validated that worry that it could happen--and why couldn't it be us?  But once I work through those odds and risks, usually I can convince myself I've done my due diligence of thinking through the possibilities and have an easier time moving forward.

You can imagine, then, how it has been during the last 18 months where every out-of-home activity involves weighing risks and rewards.  Luckily it hasn't thrown my anxiety completely out of whack, but like I said, it's sort of always there rumbling beneath the surface, ready to arise if needed.  So it shouldn't be a surprise that I work through scenarios constantly, and as a result I collect a decent number of things to be concerned about--some real, some very unlikely.  So avoiding the fear completely is almost impossible, only because it's in my nature now to think through everything that could go wrong and consider the probability that it will.

Part of why masking is so important to me currently is because it's really the only thing that can help us.  Yes, vaccination is a piece of that, but with even vaccinated people getting sick (mostly just less so), it only goes so far.  It's important to our household and the community that we have at least some immunity so we can protect Carter and other kids like him, and that's why 2-1/2 of us are vaccinated.  Communities with higher vaccination rates have been much slower to succumb to exponential spread this time around, particularly when you compare infection rates of younger kids, none of whom can be vaccinated, but who can be protected by vaccinated people around them.  I've actually been a little encouraged in the last week because we've been holding pretty steady for a few weeks now.  Yes, there's about 150 cases per day and positivity rates have been hovering between 4-5%, neither of which are great stats.  But I was anticipating that things would continue to rise quickly once they jumped, and it's been a bit slower than I expected based on how things have gone previously, or gone in other areas.  So maybe we're being helped by higher rates?  I can tell you that it's not that people are being more responsible.  Masks are still only about 50% at Wegmans and slightly less other places, and of the family gatherings we've had in the past few weeks, there hasn't been a mask in the bunch--other than my one known-to-be-un-vaxxed cousin who came in for his nephew's baptism and was presumably strongly encouraged to wear one.  I'll admit I hesitantly went without at that baptism, although I know the people around us at church were vaccinated and as far as I'm aware the vast majority of my relatives at the party were as well.  The odds of catching it are higher now, but in a room full of known vaccinated people, still less than the alternative.  So I crossed my fingers for the week and am hoping we're all good.  But, in that case, while it worried me, I tried to cast the fear aside.  To be fair, had Carter been there, it might have been different.

But when it comes to school, I think we do need to be a little afraid, particularly in Carter's age group.  None of the kids in his school can be vaccinated yet.  If they weren't wearing masks it would be a free-for-all.  And we've seen in the south what that looks like--school closings, remote learning, massive quarantines, and kids by the thousands having their schooling disrupted in one way or another.  These governors that banned mask mandates are literally out of their minds and seemingly brainwashed by whatever rhetoric they're following.  I understand the desire for parents to have some input, but at the end of the day, if their kid not wearing a mask is putting another kid in jeopardy, their choice is outweighed by a public health problem.  There are reasons we must wear shoes and shirts into stores.  There are reasons why we are expected to follow certain hygiene rules.  Those were all normalized long before us to avoid public health problems.  This should be no different.  But people legitimately believe masks don't work (for the thousandth time, they're not perfect but they definitely block something and are really all these young kids have), and they think that getting COVID will be no big deal.  But time and time again, especially now, people are being surprised as healthy, young people are dying, and countless more will likely have long-term complications.  And again, on a practical level, who wants to be sick, have a sick kid, risk further problems, be stuck at home, and not have kids in school?  Why wouldn't you take steps to avoid it if you can?  Are masks really that bad?  So anyway, do I look at the state of schools in the south and fear that chaos?  Absolutely.  I don't want that for my kids or myself.

But contrary to what the "living in fear" mockers think, I feel like taking steps to protect ourselves is one way to continue living our lives without (or with less) fear.  Would we be going on vacation this week if we had zero protections?  Probably not.  But we can because we know ways to best protect ourselves, and the remaining risk is balanced by our mental health need to get a change of scenery and make some positive memories as a family.  We're sticking to as much outdoor stuff as we can, and we'll mask the rest of the time.  We'll do what we can and hope for the best.  

The thing that gets me about the mockers is that they're simply denying reality and denying science, or at best devaluing life.  If the virus is circulating, it will get into schools and there will be illnesses and closures, so if you want your kids in school, you have to be proactive and stop spread where you can.  If you go into a large crowd in an indoor place, the odds of there not being someone who's contagious are starting to dwindle--and quite frankly, I don't trust people I don't know.  Why risk it?  If you're in a church and in theory care about your fellow man, is your freedom or comfort really more important than the person sitting next to you who will readily catch whatever you have as you belt out a worship song?  And for the people who say, "If it's my time, it's my time," that's good for you, but I have kids whose time it definitely isn't, and I feel like I have plenty of living to do, too, if not for myself, then for them.  And anyway, there are probably others who love that person and would prefer it's not their time either.  So why be so flippant about life?  Even if heaven awaits, we've been given this one life and these relationships, so why shouldn't we be a good steward of that and protect it where we can? 

Also, as a side note, I find it interesting that the same people who claim we're living in fear seem to have their own fears about vaccines and masks, neither of which are supported by the mainstream medical community.  I feel like if I'm going to be afraid of something, I'm going to go with the thing that scores of researchers consider to be the thing to fear.  But that's just me.

All this said, I'm not really into the vaccine mandates that have been popping up, just because people should have some freedom to manage what they put into their body and any complications from forced vaccines (or the fallout from someone refusing one in a mandated profession) opens up a whole can of worms that I'm glad it's not at my paygrade to manage.  Ultimately I wish there wasn't so much disinformation and politicization so people could have made a fair choice by themselves--which judging by Canada who didn't politicize it, would have led to most doing it willingly.  So much of the medical profession has been deeply discredited by people with political motivations, and it's created this broad distrust that would have been unheard of two years ago when the anti-vax movement was only for the wackos on the fringe (or big Jenny McCarthy fans).  But if they're afraid of the vaccine, then bring on the mask mandates because there's plenty of even clearer science showing that is not a threat to our health.  But these two things usually go hand-in-hand, and the non-vaxers are usually anti-mask as well.  And that is simply infuriating.

I've rattled on long enough, but simply put, my goal is to be aware of the fear but live through it as best we can.  I've done my reading and there were some very specific things that I read early on that have seemed to bear out 18 months into this thing, so I feel like I'm using the right sources as I take things in and weigh options.  I don't want to live my life without fear because those people plunge off cliffs, or more recently, end up on a ventilator.  I just want to live my life to the fullest without putting that same life in jeopardy.  And I think that's a fair balance...even if it takes a little more bravery than I wish we needed right now.