Unspirited

Jacob is supposed to be confirmed through our church this spring.  It's been a two year process, starting with attending 90 minute sessions on Wednesday nights last year and progressing to considerably more this year.  The only problem?  We didn't really get to a lot of the prep until now.  I blame COVID, mostly, and the fact that adding even one more battle with him over the past six months seemed like an impossibility.  But now we're down to the wire and trying to catch up on things, and it's getting a little challenging.

Before I get into what we're dealing with, allow me to explain what my confirmation experience was like.  Mine, like Jacob's, was a two-year process.  Mine was 7th and 8th grade, and his is 6th and 7th--although the church is supposed to be changing to a three-year process that mirrors the 6-7-8 youth group, starting after this class, which probably makes sense since that's the group that meets every Wednesday anyway.  Because I went to my church's school, I was able to do confirmation classes as part of my daily religion class.  I had a lot of friends that went to public school and had to do a two-hour class every Saturday morning for two school years instead.  That did not interest me at all, so when given the choice to go to public school in the middle of a bullying issue, I chose to stick it out and save my Saturday mornings for Saved by the Bell and lounging in my PJs.  Our program was pretty rigorous--we learned our way through the Lutheran Small Catechism and had to do a ton of memorization.  The good news is that the curriculum was basically the same both years.  You'd think it would have been boring but I think between the sheer amount of stuff we had to know and knowingly watching the 7th graders struggle through their first time, the repeats never really bothered us.  Rather, it was a chance for it to feel easy!  My catechism is full of notes and highlights (and goofy tween doodles) and it was so intense that I still remember a shocking amount of stuff almost 30 years later.  Both years we had to take the "500 Test" around Christmas--a full-morning, literal 500 question test about all we'd learned.  A lot of the questions were more rapid fire ones--like 100 different sins that we had to assign a commandment to or filling in the missing words on a bunch of Bible verses--so it wasn't really as bad as it sounds.  But it was an incredible amount of information.  Fortunately, it took a lot of wrong answers to knock off points.  I think I got a 96 and a 99.  The 99 was still something like seven incorrect answers.  Where it got really stressful, though, was Question Sunday.  On the Sunday before Palm Sunday, all of the second-year confirmands sat on the altar and were questioned by the pastor--in front of the congregation.  We didn't know what we'd be asked (outside of knowing it could be anything we'd studied and knowing what was asked in previous years), so we had to be ready.  Sometimes it was recitation of a commandment and its explanation, or questions about the parts of a prayer, or areas of the church, or what Bible verse corresponded with an issue.  If you didn't know the answer, the pastor was pretty good about it and tried to give you something else you might know.  He knew it was possible to blank.  I'll admit that it was impressive to see how many kids did know their stuff each year.  The big deal was who was going to get the "Sweet 16", a collection of 16 Bible verses we needed to memorize that were supposed to help us defend our faith.  I figure I was probably somewhere in the top three to get it, but it went to another kid.  I was ready, though!  Admittedly, it was extremely stressful--and most people I tell think it was over the top and borderline torture.  But to be honest, while it was hard, it was such a rite of passage.  It was something you psyched yourself up for, and when it was over, you felt ready to be confirmed.  We were then confirmed the following Sunday and took communion for the first time on Maundy Thursday during Holy Week prior to Easter.  We also helped run the children's service on Good Friday.  It made us official members of the church and able to join the youth group (they did all-night lock-ins!), which was all stuff we'd waited for for years.  I just remember feeling really accomplished when it was done.

Oh, the 90s...tall bangs (with a fancy French braid), giant shoulder pads under that robe, and boring white flats...all complete with a giant zit on my nose.

The shoulder pads are ridiculous, but I'm not sure if second place should go to the lace doily in the faux pocket or the awkward drop waist seam.  I also didn't really wear makeup and look ridiculously young.

At our church now, the process starts in sixth grade.  After a year of once-a-week group learning sessions, the second year is more in-depth.  In addition to the weekly sessions, there are six longer monthly learning sessions to be attended by parents and kids, plus community service, Bible verse memorization, a couple crafty projects to explain your faith that would go on public display, and finally a meeting with the youth pastor.  It still all seemed a lot lower-key than what I went through.  Initially there was a lot more focus on general learning about faith and Christianity than specific Lutheran-based learning like I had, which focused on the commandments, the Lord's Prayer, and other elements of formal church life.  We have gotten into more of that in the six longer learning sessions this year, but it's definitely been a different experience.  Pretty sure Jacob would have tuned out long ago if he had to do what I did. 

If I'm being honest, Jacob has never really been into it.  I think it's more his personality than a testament to his faith (or lack thereof), but as a parent it's been hard to work through that.  I think there are just some missing connections right now.  For starters, he doesn't really seem to mesh with the kids at church.  I'm not sure why, although I know some of them express pretty conservative views on a lot of things and he's definitely got his own views there.  I just think he's used to a more multicultural, mainstream group of friends and he hasn't really found his crew there.  By this time last year, he was actually getting to be a little more comfortable with going to the Wednesday night sessions.  Most of the time he could get in a game of basketball with the other kids afterward, which made him happy.  But then COVID hit.  They only had another month or so left, I think, so they stopped meeting and called it a year since Zoom was still evolving as an option at the time.  This fall, they started meeting again in person, but socialization was minimal so no basketball meant that he'd lost his biggest motivator.  They went remote in December when cases were rising and church shut down in-person services, which lasted until a few weeks ago.  I think that physical separation in particular didn't do us any favors, as the basketball games and in-person interaction were really what helped him to feel more comfortable and get to know people.  Without that, I think a lot of that connection just slipped away, which hasn't made this any easier.  It also doesn't help that he has religion classes at school so there are things he already knows (so it's "boring" learning them again) and things he gets frustrated contrasting.

Because everything got interrupted by COVID and the stresses of daily life were really getting to us, I think we just sort of kept putting off the other stuff because we didn't need that extra stress or one more thing to argue with Jacob about.  But then suddenly it was February and we were running out of time.  On the bright side, I talked to another set of parents who are dealing with many of the same issues, so at least we're not alone.  And judging by some iffy response to some of the sign-ups, there may be more than we think.  We made an effort over the past few weeks to catch up on the monthly learning sessions, which have all been done via videos of last year's sessions, rather than in-person.  I think it would have been easier to keep Jacob engaged in-person, as they're long and you can tell that there were interactive parts that probably would have been a bit more enjoyable than straight-up video.  There are worksheets to fill out, and Jacob gets frustrated if he misses an answer and has to rewind, or the video goes too long without addressing the questions on the sheet.  We're done with 4 of 6 now, which is still behind but better than where we were.  The problem is the last few are long and need to get split up, which makes them take twice the effort.

He needs to get started on the memory verses, which we've heard through the grapevine don't have to be fully memorized, but more internalized so they have it in their minds when they need them for spiritual support.  I think I'm going to have him look them up and write them out, then just keep reading them over as much as he can.  I can't imagine an ADHD kid is going to have an easy time with full-on memorization, so we'll do what we can.

The bigger issue right now is community service.  He's supposed to do 20 hours.  We figured that he'd get through some of that through what they do at school, but that community service didn't happen this year.  Usually there are multiple opportunities at church, too, but with all the closures there wasn't much--just one three-hour session packing up fun deliveries for the Sunday School kids.  We're trying to get in hours at the church food pantry stocking shelves, which he did for the first time yesterday on his day off, but the hours don't mesh well with our schedule until at least next month, so that's going to be a challenge as well.  I think we can get a reasonable amount in before Confirmation itself, but likely will only be a fraction of the way there by his in-person meeting in mid-April.  Even asking around on Facebook hasn't yielded a lot of help.  Suggestions were well-meaning but even I don't really know how to go about organizing a canned food drive in the neighborhood, let alone having my unmotivated 12-year-old do it.  We just don't seem to have the right community connections, and even so, COVID has changed so many things that were probably staples previously.  It's also a little complicated when your kid isn't the most personable, especially in new situations.  Like, do I really trust him to help seniors make vaccine appointments or try to find neighbors to help with yard work when he won't even do work in our own yard?  One suggestion is worth looking into--sending cards to those in nursing homes.  I think we could find a way to pull something like that off, but it's going to take some calling around.  Fortunately, I emailed the youth pastor's wife who handles most of the admin, and she confirmed that this year they're really just looking for the effort and wouldn't prevent anyone from getting confirmed if they were a few hours short.  So I guess we just get as close as we can at this point.

Coming up next weekend is a crafting session to make his Confirmation stole.  When I was confirmed I had a giant red ribbon stole printed with gold crosses and the date.  I was "yoked with Christ" when it was placed around my neck.  Jacob needs to make his own out of felt with three symbols on each end--three about his spiritual journey, three about himself (hmmm...basketball, music, and maybe his phone?).  After that, at home we have to do a tri-fold board (like a science fair project) for a "Faith Fair" that details elements of his faith journey.  The challenge with these is that I don't think he's really thought about his faith journey all that deeply.  He's not really expressive with things that are personal to him (he was never the "I love you" type of kid), so getting him to come up with things that he can speak to from the heart will be tough.  The moments where I try to get him to answer the questions he'll need to address on the board are what make me question if he should even do this.  He can't seem to answer any of them.  Not all are his fault, mind you--there were likely many opportunities for growth that COVID took away that those questions try to get at--but when you spend more of the learning sessions complaining than looking for moments to grow your faith, it's going to be a struggle.

The thing is, it's not that I think he doesn't have faith, but I think he's needing to fit his faith into a certain box for this and he's more of an outside-the-box kind of kid.  He's a sarcastic, independent-minded, not-touchy-feely kid.  So this is going to be a challenge for him.  It's been a challenge all along, in fact.  The stuff they're doing feels like an extension of school for him, and when school isn't fun for him, neither is this.  At this point you may be wondering if it's even a good idea for him to go through with it if he's not fully on board.  I've asked myself that question a hundred times, actually.  What good is a confirmation of your faith if you're not really that into it?  But like I said, I think the faith is there.  He's not super open about it, but he insists he has it.  This just isn't the way he'd choose to share it or talk about it.   

On one hand, I don't want him doing this begrudgingly or by force, but on the other, as parents our job is to point our kids down the path we think they should follow, sometimes to the point of pushing them into things that they wouldn't willingly do themselves.  It's the reason you force them on the bus or into the classroom on that first day despite the tears, or why my father pushed me harder the day I freaked out while learning how to drive.  You know that in the long run, they'll hopefully be grateful for the push because it was something that needed to happen.  The problem is that if we don't do it now, it would either mean another year of work and assignments, or never doing it at all--at least not with people his own age in this same way.  My old church did adult confirmands, but I don't know if our church does.  They have a different class for church membership, but as far as I know it just ends with a quick welcome ceremony during a Sunday service.  So we'd basically be giving him a free pass to never get confirmed or join the church, as I don't think he'd do it on his own later since this sort of ceremony stuff isn't something he'd likely subject himself to on his own.  I'll admit there's also a family expectation that this should happen.  Craig's family is Catholic and our niece and nephews all did their First Communion and participated in the church in the years that followed.  I know there's some disappointment on my side that my brother's kids were never baptized into the church, and I feel like this would be viewed similarly.  Regardless, we feel it's important, even if he doesn't see the importance right now.  I just wish it had the same sort of grown-up, rite-of-passage feel for him that mine did, as that itself was motivating.  

I guess for the next few weeks it's going to be my job to sort of "coach" him--which in this case will mean asking the right questions to get him in the mindframe to have the answers he needs.  Like I said, since the faith is there, likely there are things he can talk about, but maybe he just doesn't realize it yet.  We need to dig into moments where he felt like his faith helped him or felt more real to him, and hopefully that will get him to where he needs to be.  I worry that his meeting with the pastor might make some of these disconnects really obvious and he might suggest he waits a year, but I don't know if that will really help or instead further disenchant him with the process if he needs to repeat these tasks again.  This isn't something we can force or make him want, but it also doesn't feel like something we can just dismiss and consider a "lost battle".  So it's time to try to meet him where he is, help him connect with his own faith and feelings, and hope it's enough.  For some people it's a next step, but for us it might just be planting a seed and hoping it blooms.