Last Friday we received a random call from our school district, and based on news earlier in the day that the CDC reduced recommended social distancing from six feet to three feet in schools, I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. School for Carter will be returning to four days in-school each week starting in mid-April.
On one hand, this was amazing news. It's been a very long year, from fully remote from March-June, then the free-for-all with both kids home and unscheduled in July and August, and then finally getting Jacob back to school in September while Carter settled into the two-days-in, three-days-home schedule. I'd call the hybrid situation tolerable, but even that might be a little generous. It's been hard at times and downright torture at others. Craig has handled the bulk of the teaching since his work has been a little less consistent than mine, but we've both had our share of moments when it felt like an impossible task. Math in particular is a challenge, mostly just because some assignments are extra long, and sometimes just working through the long laundry list of tasks with an unexcited participant seems overwhelming. It's definitely made Carter's challenges quite apparent, which is both good and bad. I mean, experiencing them first-hand has been really hard, but clearly it helps us empathize with the teacher and try to get him help.
Speaking of his challenges, that brings me to the downside of this upcoming shift. After waiting for weeks I had finally gotten a call a couple weeks ago to set up appointments to get him evaluated through the same place we go for family therapy currently. I was a bit annoyed as the first three sessions that we scheduled sounded more like therapy sessions than the true evaluation I was hoping for, but they assured me that those would help move us toward a diagnosis. I don't think there's any doubt that ADHD is at play here, but I'd be interested to know if they see something else like Oppositional Defiant Disorder like Jacob was diagnosed with (I'd say Jacob's is pretty mild--and Carter's seems a bit different, but it wouldn't surprise me), or even if Carter could be on the spectrum. He definitely has some really intense interests so I guess that wouldn't shock me either aside from the fact that he seemed super-typical until he was at least four, whereas Jacob was almost always a struggle. Anyway, I was also annoyed because the therapist had very limited availability. As it was we couldn't get in until late April for an in-person visit. Based on our pandemic telemedicine calls last year, it was clear video visits were not an option for Carter. He just does not do well, partly because of his high energy and partly because he completely hates being on video. I ended up booking appointments for the same time on remote days for three consecutive weeks. Well, then the announcement came out and I instantly realized that school would be back in session by then and those three days were no longer remote. I called to see if I could reschedule anything, if nothing else just to move them around to different times so he wasn't missing the same thing every week, which I was only somewhat able to do. He's still going to miss a lot of school (probably a third of the day each time between transportation and the appointment), which is super frustrating given how much school has already been compromised this year. I know his teacher will understand, but based on our experience with Jacob I know the district does not love lots of late arrivals or early dismissals, regardless of the reason.
I know this is important, which is why we're moving forward, but it just boggles my mind that there isn't a better setup for this. These kids with struggles, maybe more than others, need that in-person school experience, yet we can only book appointments that are during school hours. It's maddening. As it is we're lucky we can squeeze in our family appointments. They're at 3pm but usually we're a few minutes late because that's as soon as we can get there after Jacob gets out of school. And now Carter's school could be an issue again for those, but hopefully we can do Wednesdays when he's still home. I understand it's not ideal for people to work a full time job using hours outside the usual 9-to-5 realm, but in a case like this, it would be so much easier. I guess I just have to hope that these first three appointments are really productive, to the point we can have a plan of action and maybe not have to go back for a while, or at least go a bit less until school's out. I wouldn't mind taking a break, ideally seeing how medication works as school wraps up, and then if more therapy is warranted after that, pick it up in the summer when our schedule is a bit more open. Then maybe by the end of summer we can see where things stand and figure out how to manage it next year. Maybe hours will even be better by then or we'll get to a point where telemedicine does work? We'll see. We just need help, but I am really hopeful that being back in school four days per week will be a help all on its own--not just from a consistency perspective, but from the simple fact he'll be away from the phone screen for an additional 12 hours per week with other things to help diversify his interests. We're tying again to limit it right now, which is a challenge, but I do see peeks of him getting more creative. He comes up with all sorts of technical explanations of simple magnetic tile builds, so I know it's in there somewhere! If nothing else, I can tell he's getting a bit more thoughtful about how to use his limited screen hours, but he's still resistant to the limits.
I talked through all of the therapy stuff with his teacher on Thursday, and I'll be honest, a little part of me died all over again on the call. Even with years of practice, it's still so hard to hear how much your kid struggles with really basic stuff. She's obviously very supportive and appreciates our efforts, but there's no doubt that his in-school time is challenging. And if there's now going to be double the kids in a classroom, it's only going to get harder to give him individual attention. Maybe it'll up the positive peer pressure to see a dozen other kids doing things, rather than just a few, as that was my theory of what was getting him through previously, but I'm doubtful. I have a feeling he's in a weird spot, where he's getting his work done so he's not throwing up massive red flags, but it also takes more-than-average effort to get there, so maybe there should be more invention than there is. I think we tend to leave that to the teacher to decide since she's the one carrying the bulk of that burden and has seen enough kids to know what's "out of range", so to speak. But when there are kids--especially this year--with little support and lots of barriers, kids like Carter probably aren't going to be a priority if you have to pick and choose the most desperate situations.
Everything just feels like such a process right now. At first it was a wait-and-see to figure out if things would get better as he settled into the year. When it didn't, we first had to figure out our best course of action, and then there were many weeks of waiting on our side just to get him in. Now that that's moving forward, his teacher needs to see if there's anything the school can do--officially or unofficially--to help the process even more. I had asked if it was worth bringing the school psychologist into the mix, as the psychologist and counselor worked together to advise us on Jacob's struggles and figure out tools to help him in class. If nothing else I figured the psychologist might be able to observe him and provide some "official" observations from a trained eye on what she sees in the classroom. While we know a lot of the same behaviors are present in both places, I also know from experience that they can differ a bit across settings so perhaps those observations would be helpful to the long-term diagnosis or a plan moving forward. There are different layers of "help" through the school, but it's just unclear what's doable before the end of the year. Between IEP evaluation season and the pandemic already complicating things, that staff is busy. Maybe they can squeak in something unofficial because it could be quicker, or maybe they're so busy that the only way to do anything is to get him formally documented and in the queue. I fully understand the challenges and don't want to make anyone's life harder, but I posed the question in case anything was doable and might be helpful for everyone involved. But on a practical level it's just hard to not be able to make things easier for other people who have to deal with your child, and it's hard to not have quick answers for yourself, or to know just how damaging all of this might be in the long run. And maybe most of all, it just breaks my heart because I never expected to be here. It was one thing to go through it with one kid, but to have a kid that seemed normal--even delightful--for the first four years of his life end up in this spot, too, it's just really hard to accept. I get that parenting is rarely easy, but man, this just gets overwhelming at times. I know we're doing what we can, but right now it still doesn't feel like enough.
In the midst of all of this, it's been a bit of a challenging week mentally. I'm not sure why, as I don't think the issues above could have derailed it that badly. We had great weather, work hasn't been particularly stressful, and we even had a couple decent days with Carter's schooling. I feel like I'm internalizing a lot of the negative social media out there about politics and masking and vaccines, but I can't avoid them that well when I feel like I need that social media connection to the outside world. I also hesitate to snooze those folks because I want to know what's floating around out there so I can either research it myself or at least be aware of what potential misinformation I might need to counteract with loved ones. But even that doesn't seem like enough to drag me down like it did. I even got the good news my family is doing our traditional Good Friday prunes and noodles dinner, and so far it seems like Easter should be relatively normal (even if masked), which should be enough to help me through another round of pandemic fatigue. But even with that I didn't feel my usual joy and anticipation while putting up Easter stuff last weekend, despite having actual spring weather imminent. I felt out of sorts in a lot of ways, and not just because an allergy medicine I'm testing makes me a little groggy and a random power outage the other day totally threw my day off. My first thought was that all my productivity the last few weeks--baby clothes, new TV stand, new appliances--had slowed to a crawl and I didn't have anything to check off the checklist. That could be part of it, but it's a self-causing problem when you find yourself even lacking the energy and motivation to start the next big thing.
I honestly think part of me is a little afraid of getting back to something closer to normal and realizing it still doesn't feel significantly better. One of the things that probably oddly helped through this past year is that there was always the hope of change. Sometimes regular life gets a little monotonous and there's no end in sight. And while this past year had a lot of a different type of monotony, it was interesting in its own way, in that it was different than the norm and we knew it was not permanent. Eventually this season of life will be done--the kids will both be back to school full time and the adults will be back in the office, the busyness of extracurricular activities will fully resume, and maybe someday we won't have to wear masks or think twice about gathering with friends and family. While most days it seems like that time won't get here soon enough, I keep having these thoughts of, "Be careful what you wish for," because if we're honest, we'd probably all admit that "normal" life wasn't always so great and had its own downfalls. So once we go back to that, we're sort of stuck with it, with all the good and bad. We know now more than ever that the good is actually great, but the bad can be truly challenging in its own right. And if it feels like there's no escape from it on the horizon, then what? I guess we just settle back into mediocrity, but at least it should have a few higher highs than we've had over the past year. We can have real things to look forward to, and it's possible I've forgotten just how comforting and motivating those things can be. It's been a long year-plus and I'm starting to realize there are a lot of things we'll need to relearn and readjust to. Early mornings and finding energy for a fully scheduled day are probably chief among them. I know Carter needs to readjust to longer outings out of the house, because Mr. Homebody spends 90% of any outing asking when we can go home or literally dragging us through stores to get done quicker. But I know there will be mental shifts, too, like being in crowded places without anxiety or figuring out how to live a "normal" life again.
I know at this point change should be good, and it mostly is. But after a year where most change was negative, forgive me for being a bit anxious about what's to come. In many ways I feel like being home insulated me from a lot of stress, so now I'm out of practice, but at the same time I feel exhausted at the thought of making more decisions because every little thing for the last year involved a decision evaluating health and safety. I'm grateful we'll be getting back a little bit more normalcy, but can't help but wonder what the trade-off might be. We've still got a long road ahead, no doubt.
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