June is not for Amateurs

Oh, June.  You're killing me.

Keeping up with the papers coming home from school and all of the year-end school events is one thing.  Add in Jacob's birthday coming up, plus a significant ramping up of our sports schedule (lacrosse twice per week, soccer once per week, and two tournaments in the next month) and that's another thing.  But adding all of that on top of our normal appointments and countless other little things that we constantly need to get done?  It's overwhelming.  Oh, and this is my busiest month at work, too.  I'm being pulled in every direction and there aren't enough hours in the day (or at least, enough energy and/or brain cells) to do it all in the timeframe I have.

The mental exhaustion is overwhelming at times.  Having to remember every little thing and its appropriate timing is like a puzzle.  I probably check my calendar two or three times a day right now--to make sure I'm not missing anything, to attempt to plan ahead if I can, or to make an appointment to remind myself of something I will inevitably forget otherwise.  With so many things going on, it's inevitable that I forget or fail at something almost every day right now.  Most of it isn't life-altering, but in most cases I can't afford to lose a day here or there, or it will throw everything else off.  Normally when things get busy I just try to accomplish one or two big things each day, and hope that I'm feeling mentally prepared for another thing or two the next day.  Eventually I get through it.  But with so much to do and so little time to do it, even that's not working.  The physical toll of all of this isn't much better, as I rarely drop into a chair before 8:15 or so these days, between post-work errands, dinner, and clean-up.  And even then I'm usually looking through paperwork or something.  Trying to squeeze in a workout on top of it all seems impossible, even if this is when I most need to be doing it.

At first I thought my frustration with all of this fell in the realm of the maternal mental load and the resentment it can bring.  There's no doubt I'm handling the bulk of the stuff right now.  Craig holds his own in a lot of areas, but the constant keeping track of stuff, the coordination of daycare/camp deadlines, and the stack of school papers is all me, and it's a lot.  Whether or not he notices how much I have going on, I honestly don't know.  And I'm honestly too busy to care, even if it would be nice for those around me (including my kids) to acknowledge all that's going on and maybe even cut me some slack.  BUT...I figured out that's ultimately not what's bugging me.

I realized that the root of my frustration right now is that the ultimate reward I desire for getting through this insane to-do list is really just a shorter list--the feeling of accomplishment.  But that's not happening either.  Just when I cross something off, something else gets added.  My dream of a lovely summer day with my feet up, a tasty drink next to me and a book (or maybe a phone) in my lap seems like a complete impossibility right now because it feels like I'll be working through this list every day and night for the foreseeable future.  It seems never-ending.  At work I cross off one project and there's always another waiting that needs to be done immediately.  I cross that off just in time to have another added.  At home, I pay for one of Carter's camps, and instead of getting to cross that off my list, I get a new stack of paperwork to fill out.  I go shopping at one store only to realize I still need to go to another one for something else.  I finish the dishes but there's always a messy table waiting for me.  And every darn night I need to plan another dinner.  We have a tournament to pack for this weekend, decisions to make about Carter's summer field trips, a potential mini-vacation to plan, and about five house projects that we need to call someone about.  I keep forgetting to make doctor appointments, and it took me until two weeks before my passport expired to finally get around to sending in the renewal application--which could now limit our mini-vacation plans if it doesn't come back soon enough.

I don't mean to complain (although this blog does make for a convenient, low-risk venting spot) because I know that overall we live a very blessed life.  We have a nice house (despite the projects), we have good jobs (even if we wish we made more), we have two generally thriving kids (even if they come with a lot of issues to manage), and we're relatively healthy ourselves.  We have loving families and generally have all we need, and then some.  But I'm tired.  I look around at people doing amazing things and feel like I'm missing out on life...or at least like the quality isn't where it should be.  People are traveling, running races, redoing houses, and I don't feel like I have the time or energy for any of it.  Heck, I see fit people with lovely cut fruit every day at work and wonder how they find the time to work out AND cut fruit?  I mean, they probably don't watch TV all night like I do, but do they ever really rest?  I'm convinced the do-it-all women (our sister-in-law among them--she's amazing--full time job, four kids, in good shape, and still manages to bake a half dozen different types of Christmas cookies, for example) are just built differently.  But that's beside the point.  My life is so easy compared to some people, but some days it still just seems to be too much.  What is wrong with me?

I've read enough mommybloggers to know I'm not alone, but it doesn't make the day-to-day easier.  I just have to keep telling myself: a few more weeks before the worst is over, and then we'll be on to our next challenge--getting in the summer groove.