The Electronics Wars

When I became a parent, I had no idea that I would spend so much time arguing with my 10-year-old about random stuff.  Well, I guess I never dreamed I'd have such a particular 10-year-old in the first place, but it seems that I'm not alone in a lot of these battles.  Maybe other people aren't having in-depth conversations with their tween about the merits and drawbacks of countless pairs of sneakers or whether youth basketball requires a shooting sleeve that NBA players use, but one thing I know most of us have in common is electronics.  There are so many different arguments to have about electronics these days, and I feel like we have had them all...almost daily...for months.  The kid isn't even in middle school yet and I'm already burned out on what's appropriate, what isn't, and how we should proceed.

The challenge is that back when I was 10, we didn't really have these issues so there aren't many parenting precedents to go on.  Maybe we had some version of them, but certainly not to the all-encompassing degree we do now.  Back then, perhaps there was a battle to have a phone in your room, or even a separate phone line.  Or maybe you wanted a TV in your room.  We had a computer and I spent a significant amount of time on it at times, but "Where in the USA is Carmen Sandiego?" or a pixelated version of "Jeopardy!" only went so far. 

I feel like back then there were built-in limits for all of these things, and none were so deeply woven into daily life as electronics seem to be now.  A separate phone line cost money, and back then we knew the value of a dollar so adding to the phone bill was a big deal.  A phone in your room was easier to come by, but I think most of us knew better than to hog the household phone line for too long.  I got a TV in my room when I was a teenager, but it was a tiny black-and-white one and it didn't get cable.  I had a handful of channels (one of which got Montreal Canadiens' games in French sometimes!), so I had a limited amount of use for it.  Even when I borrowed my uncle's Pong console (25 years after it was popular, mind you), that only held my attention for so long.  And I did love our computer, but it wasn't until we got an internet connection when I was 17 that self-control became a challenge.  And even then we had the phone line issue as it was still good old dial-up!  I did watch an awful lot of TV, but we only had a couple to share for the family so sometimes that battle was lost when everyone was home.  And, as proven by the amount of reading I did in the summer, even I got bored with TV after a while.  Another self-control danger zone was when we borrowed my cousins' Nintendo when they got grounded from it.  I had a tough time breaking away from my beloved Super Mario, but again, a sore thumb and stiff neck eventually motivated me to stop, and it was a short-lived opportunity anyway.

Long story short, I feel like we had some sort of built-in level of self-control back then.  We knew we shouldn't do those things all day every day, and we weren't so immersed in technology at that point where it was considered normal to look at a screen all the time.  We knew how to entertain ourselves without it.  Even with the most fun technology, either boredom would eventually set in or we just had a better sense of appropriateness and knew we had better ways to spend our time.  But now, I feel like that self-awareness has disappeared a bit.  Everyone does it, right?  Okay, maybe that's not the case with all kids, but certainly I see it in mine...so maybe it's a parenting issue.  But based on what I hear from others, maybe it's just how things are now.

Carter is definitely a screen kid.  He loved TV from the get-go, and took to handheld electronics with ease.  I think part of it is that we're often tired parents and if he'll just sit quietly with a screen (and not argue with his brother), it's a relief to get some peace and quiet.  So that's partly our fault.  But if given the opportunity, I think he'd do screen time 24/7 if he could.  Fortunately, when we do force him off, he's very good about finding ways to amuse himself.  He's very imaginative, and while he prefers to have a playing partner, he can find a way to keep himself busy with almost anything.

But then there's Jacob.  Jacob liked TV when he was younger, but he almost always played with something else while watching it.  Even now he loses interest in movies and shows a lot quicker.  He also liked playing games on the iPad, but it was never a big thing for him.  He had phases where he loved the Wii, and later the Xbox, but again, most of the time he'd do it and be done on his own.  The only exception was when he started playing Minecraft, but then again that's when he had a cast on his leg and he couldn't do much else, so who could blame him?  But lately, he seems to spend a lot of time in front of screens and I feel a bit helpless about it.  Why?  Because he flat-out refuses to do anything else.  He hates reading.  He doesn't have homework (which, I know, is ridiculous and he'll have a huge dose of culture shock next year).  He can't play basketball outside right now, and while the hoop in his room gets plenty of use, it's not really enough.  Toys, even Legos, have mostly lost their luster, unless he has someone to play with.  Everything else he wants to do mostly revolves around electronics, and it's making me crazy.  I can't really force him to do things he doesn't want to do--at least not unless I want to listen to endless complaining--so I feel stuck.

I don't want to make this stuff yet another battleground, but I do believe it's important enough in his foundation for life that I do need to push things a bit.  Encouraging him to do other stuff only goes so far, and I guess I'd rather he play games than pester his brother constantly.  It could literally be life-or-death (yikes) while Carter is recovering from his surgery (if you saw how often they tangle, you'd understand my concern), so we need to weigh pros and cons heavily.  It's so exhausting.  Here are the current battles we're fighting:

Constant online shopping - This one has been an issue for a while.  Jacob constantly wants to use Craig's phone, and most of the time he's combing the internet for stuff.  Sneakers, sports gear, electronics (see below), clothes, and who knows what else.  This usually yields a rather sizable list for holidays and birthdays, as well as some battles in between.  He's currently jockeying for a reward for losing so many lacrosse games in a row (which Craig did promise, once Jacob broke Craig's own futility record from youth hockey) and helping Craig out with a work thing in the frigid cold this week, and has very specific ideas of what he thinks is appropriate.  I tend to disagree, of course.  The thing is, I don't want to spend our money on something he needs to have, only to lose interest once he gets it, which he often does.  He doesn't have much of his own money to spend either--and I control his bank account, so only the most noble pursuits will be considered.  Mostly, I just feel like his constant shopping is leading him down this materialistic road where he can only dream of the next big thing, then moves on to the next once he gets it.

He wants a phone - Like most kids his age, he wants a phone.  I always laugh at the Facebook meme that talks about kids today wanting an iPhone, but when we were kids you felt like you won the lottery if you got your hands on one of those pens with multiple color options.  It's so true.  He certainly doesn't need a phone right now, but we'll see how our lives our impacted by him going to a farther away school next year.  I know he wants to text and keep in touch with his friends, particularly once he switches schools, but it sort of ticks me off that so many other parents have caved that he has friends doing it now.  There are a million reasons why a phone gets complicated, which I will expand upon below, but first and foremost is cost.  We certainly don't want to pay for it, and he has no income to pay for it.  Plus it's obviously a huge responsibility for a lot of reasons, which I will also cover below.  I keep threatening to just do a flip phone, but more than likely he'll inherit my old TracFone and we'll start there.  But first...

Headphones/earbuds - His argument for a more immediate need of the phone is that he wants to listen to music on it, citing his long bus ride next year.  I agree, he probably will need something to keep him occupied on an early morning, 30-60 minute bus ride, so it could be that my old phone will just get some music loaded on and that will be it.  But of course he needs something to listen to music through, which is where earbuds or headphones come in.  He wanted wireless earbuds a while back, mostly to play sports, but I do fear he will lose one.  We had the whole debate about this prior to Christmas, at which point I bought him Bluetooth ones at Five Below (connected and with ear hooks) for Christmas that are now having some issues.  So we'll see.  He will get a specific set of headphones at some point (birthday?) but right now he needs to be patient, and once he gets them he will have a tough lesson in learning to take care of them.  The other issue, of course, is what he's listening to.  I think his love of basketball has led to a love of hip-hop, which is just about the worst thing he could listen to.  He doesn't understand why it's a concern, as I don't think he realizes yet just how much language and questionable themes crop up in that genre if you happen upon uncensored versions.  We're going to have to police his downloads heavily...and maybe I can sneak some Christian hip-hop in there in the meantime.

Social media - I've seen enough of the "Wait Until 8th" campaign to know I'm not ready for him to have social media right now.  It can lead to bullying at worst and lots of wasted time at best, and having not done the social media thing at that age (thank God) it's hard to know what's appropriate.  There's a lot of speculation on the psychological effect of this stuff, and I pretty much dread the thought of having to check his devices all the time.  I spend enough time on social media myself, let alone adding Snapchat and whatever else to keep an eye on him, and taking the time to check it.  Can parental laziness be a valid reason to delay it?  Also, I wasn't that devious a kid, so it'll be a challenge to think of every creative way he might break the rules.  I'm concerned his relative naivete will get him in over his head before he even knows it.  And given how much he poo-poos that suggestion, I know I'm right.

YouTube - He already spends a lot of time on YouTube, which is why it's on this list.  Between Craig's phone and his very-old-generation iPad that's in his room, he's on there a ton.  It's hard to know for sure what he might be getting into, though most of the time it's some sort of sports video.  In the checking I've done, things have been fine, and I think for the most part he has a decent moral compass, but curiosity is only going to get stronger in the coming years.  So I know I'll have to reign this one in a bit, too.  He also wants to be a YouTuber (like every other kid his age), but trying to explain that not everyone will want to listen to his random commentary on random stuff is tough.  And socially it opens up a whole can of worms, too.  I've tried to use blocks but it's tough to tell how they work.

Xbox Live Gold and the headset - I can't remember if I got into the headset debate here or not, but basically, there was a $1 special for a month of Xbox Live Gold that Jacob wanted to take advantage of, and even though I knew where it was going 30 days later, I figured it was a low-risk way to check it out.  So we did, except that he discovered he really needed a headset to take advantage of the option of playing online with his friends.  He doesn't get much opportunity to interact with his friends outside of school, and since social media and text messaging aren't options, this seemed like a reasonable compromise.  Might I say here how thankful I am that he never liked Fortnite?  It's really just all NBA 2K19, which isn't too bad aside from the fact he's now convinced he can someday play in the NBA and have a house with a court in it.  But getting a headset proved to be a challenge.  A reasonably priced one had crappy reviews but the more expensive one was definitely out of his budget...especially since we knew he wanted to extend his Gold membership to a full year (essentially $5 per month).  I offered to get him one from (again) Five Below and see how that went.  Ideally it would get him through until his birthday, when someone could get him the one he wanted.  He was appalled at the thought of the Five Below ones, insisting they wouldn't work, and we went back and forth for days.  At a breaking point, he relented and let us get the Five Below ones.  Initially there was some sort of odd static issue with them, but on try #3, miraculously they worked and have been fine ever since.  (Score one for mom).  He's been very much enjoying playing online with his friends, but for a while it was taking over--he'd make appointments with his friends and didn't want to stop for dinner--so that was a concern that caused us to threaten canceling.  But he's eased up a bit lately, despite two cold days off school this week.  I'm still bracing myself for February break when Carter just wants to watch TV post-surgery and Jacob's home wanting to play.  Which brings us to...

TV availability - When he was wanting to be playing online all the time, he started asking to either move his Xbox to the basement TV or to get a TV in his room.  The bedroom TV is a never, as he has zero willpower and we'd no doubt be finding him up watching it or playing at all hours.  We have enough trouble with the iPad, particularly at bedtime.  There were also times he'd wake up and pee at 5:30am, and apparently the temptation to get on the iPad would be too much, as he'd play on that instead of sleeping until 7am.  Ummm, nope.  So the TV would be bad.  As for the basement, it sounds tempting, because it frees up the living room for the rest of us, but I sort of like the built-in limits by having it in the living room.  Not only is he not alone, which gives us some security about what he's doing, but if he retreats downstairs for hours it will be hard to give him any reason to stop playing.  If he's not bothering anyone, what's the harm, or so he thinks.  But as adults we know better, and having to stop playing to open up the TV to others makes for a more compelling reason to limit himself.  So upstairs it stays.

This is probably just the tip of the iceberg, but it's plenty for us right now.  Like I said, I think the potential downsides of this stuff make these important enough issues to push back on, despite his insistence that all the other kids are doing it.  We love him enough that we're not going to do anything for that reason, and I remind him often that it's not my problem if other parents don't care to protect their kids to the same degree I want to.  I also remind him that he needs to show us responsibility and prove that he's mature enough to handle stuff like that, and right now I just don't see it.  I know there's a point at which it becomes the forbidden fruit and he will rebel in a big way, but it's definitely going to take some intentional parenting to ensure we catch things before they get to that point.  That's why we're continuing once-a-month therapy sessions and taking baby steps to see how he handles them.  He's always been a complex kid, and this issue just takes it up another notch.  Yuck.